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Episode: the morality of ignoring texts, a talk with emma

Author: emma chamberlain
Duration: 00:25:17

Episode Shownotes

are you getting a little sick and tired of responding to every text message you get? do you feel like you never get a moment of silence anymore? we’re constantly expected to be available because we always have our phones in our pockets. but i don’t know if i can

live like this anymore. so today i want to discuss the morality of ignoring texts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_00
Hey, are you getting a little sick and tired of responding to every text message that you get? Is your constant availability causing you a bit of fatigue?

00:00:12 Speaker_00
Do you feel like you never get a moment of silence anymore, where there's no texting or phone call coming through? We're constantly expected to be available. Why? Because we always have our phone in our pocket.

00:00:29 Speaker_00
Everyone knows that we're all on our phone all the time, right? Like 98% of us—that's a fake percentage, I'm so sorry—98% of us, I would assume, approximately, are on our phones all the time, have our phones in our pocket all the time.

00:00:47 Speaker_00
It is very uncommon to meet someone who doesn't have their phone within two feet of them at all times. That is rare. Even when we don't have our phone on us, we have our phone on us. Like my computer, for example, has my text messages connected to it.

00:01:03 Speaker_00
For those who have Apple watches, they could be on a run, but they'll still get a ding on their Apple watch when they get a text. You know what I mean? Very few people are actually bad texters.

00:01:13 Speaker_00
You know when somebody says like, oh my God, sorry, I never got back to you. I'm a bad texter. By the way, I've said that. It's kind of true for some people, but for the most part, that's a lie. Like we're all good texters when we want to be.

00:01:27 Speaker_00
But I recently had an epiphany where I was like, hold on, I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I don't know if I can constantly be available to everyone who has my phone number 24-7.

00:01:39 Speaker_00
And so today I want to discuss the morality of ignoring texts, of not being available on your phone 24-7. This episode of Anything Goes is presented by Amazon. I'm obsessed with finding gifts that'll just blow people's minds.

00:01:55 Speaker_00
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00:02:06 Speaker_00
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00:02:20 Speaker_00
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00:02:28 Speaker_00
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00:02:41 Speaker_00
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00:02:57 Speaker_00
This episode is brought to you by PNC Bank. Unlike this podcast, some things in life should be boring, like banking, because boring is pragmatic and responsible, level-headed and wise. All the things that you want your bank to be.

00:03:14 Speaker_00
You don't want your bank to be cool or sexy. Sexy is for red carpets, not banks. That's why PNC Bank strives to be boring with your money.

00:03:24 Speaker_00
Because when your money is doing what you need it to do, you can do all the unboring things you want to do with it. PNC Bank, brilliantly boring since 1865.

00:03:36 Speaker_00
Brilliantly boring since 1865 is a service mark of the PNC Financial Services Group, Incorporated. PNC Bank, National Association, member FDIC. There's a lot of people that think it's really rude not to respond to texts.

00:03:51 Speaker_00
Like if we're close enough with somebody that they have our phone number, we owe them a response. And then there's other people that are like, no, we don't really owe anyone anything.

00:04:02 Speaker_00
And I definitely used to be someone who believed that I owed everyone a response. And I have always been somebody who has zero unread messages. I did that for many years, sort of out of guilt. And this is what I have to do.

00:04:19 Speaker_00
This is what's morally right to do. until I sort of had an epiphany that challenged that prior belief. So here's how I personally feel about being constantly available on text.

00:04:31 Speaker_00
In real life, when someone confronts me about something or invites me to something, I immediately give a response, right? I'm not going to sit there and be like, I don't know.

00:04:44 Speaker_00
Like I believe in communication and being as upfront and open with people as possible. So I sort of brought that mentality to text, right?

00:04:54 Speaker_00
Like the way that I engage in conversation and communication in person is how I guess I should do it over text too. What's the difference? But it ended up harming me, being constantly available for so many years caused me a lot of anxiety.

00:05:10 Speaker_00
And it really like took up a lot of my brain space. Like I was constantly thinking about like, Oh my God, this person from my third grade class just texted me and they want me to come to their birthday party, but I don't even live near there anymore.

00:05:25 Speaker_00
And like, I don't even know them anymore. And what is it? And then Oh my god, like, this person that I met at a party four years ago just texted me and invited me to another party. I don't even know that. Like, what am I going to respond to them?

00:05:37 Speaker_00
What am I going to respond to them? Should I make an excuse? Should I do this? Should I do that? I don't really want to go. Like, I haven't even talked to this person. I don't even know them. Would we even get along today? Who even are they?

00:05:46 Speaker_00
I was spending a lot of energy trying to figure out what to respond to people that I maybe don't really have any interest in seeing again, which is, by the way, it's okay to grow out of people in your life and be like, oh God, we haven't talked in a few years.

00:06:05 Speaker_00
know if I need to talk to this person anymore or it's okay to be like, you know, I met this person once and I don't really have the energy to entertain this person. I don't really think we're, we're compatible.

00:06:17 Speaker_00
I don't really need, I don't want to be friends with them. I don't, it's okay to not want to be friends with somebody. It's okay to not want to talk to someone. Right? But we're taught in person to be nice to everyone, be polite to everyone.

00:06:29 Speaker_00
If you know someone, you should go and say hi. We're now in this new era where it's like, okay, wait, but what's the etiquette over text? Is it the same thing?

00:06:39 Speaker_00
And the thing I noticed was all of the people that I'm struggling to respond to, I don't want to respond to. Their text being in my text inbox was causing me stress. Those are all people that are not in my close circle of friends and family.

00:06:54 Speaker_00
There are people who I've ultimately grown apart from, people I haven't talked to in a few years or people that I met once that were cool and you know they got my number but I don't necessarily ever need to see them again or

00:07:09 Speaker_00
people that I'm sort of friends with, see every once in a while, but we're not close or anything. It's those people that stress me out. When it comes to my closest circle of family and friends, it never feels like a chore to respond to those people.

00:07:24 Speaker_00
That always feels easy, natural, and necessary as well. I'm not worried about what they think of my response because chances are I'm gonna see them soon or talk to them on the phone.

00:07:39 Speaker_00
Soon, like, I have an open line of communication with my family and friends. We're constantly talking and shit. It's so ingrained in my day-to-day life.

00:07:48 Speaker_00
And then there's sort of this weird category of people who are not in my close circle yet, but I want them to be. Talking to them is also not a chore.

00:07:58 Speaker_00
Because even though I don't really know them well yet and talking to them is more emotionally exhausting because we're not comfortable with each other yet, I have a strong desire to integrate them into my life.

00:08:09 Speaker_00
For whatever reason, they provide a type of relationship for me that is worth my time and my energy. But anyone who doesn't fall into those two categories, it's often really challenging for me to respond to those people.

00:08:24 Speaker_00
I've spent so many years being available to everyone, including people that I don't really have any interest in being available to. You know what I mean? And so recently I kind of reevaluated my beliefs. I was like, clearly something's not working.

00:08:39 Speaker_00
And I was like, something's got to change. And so I started by sort of analyzing the morality of not being available to everyone all the time. taking a week or a month to respond to some people or maybe just sometimes not responding at all.

00:08:55 Speaker_00
Is that okay? And the first thing I sort of discovered was that in a lot of ways, I am introverted. I've taken some personality tests and I'm very 50-50. Now, how real is that result? I don't know. I'm taking a random online quiz.

00:09:15 Speaker_00
It was actually a somewhat reputable quiz, but, like, whatever, to find out, like, my personality type, how introverted I am, how extroverted I am, and all this other info.

00:09:26 Speaker_00
And the results came back, and I was 50% extroverted, which means being social recharges me, and also 50% introverted, which means being alone recharges me. I need both.

00:09:40 Speaker_00
When I go out into the world and I'm present socially, I go to a bar, I go to a party. When I'm craving that, I'm in an extroverted moment. But when I'm craving alone time, I want to be completely alone. And I think what started to really weigh on me

00:09:58 Speaker_00
I never fully get alone time because I can always be reached by anyone at any given moment. Anyone who has my number, which includes people who I haven't talked to in fucking five years, people I've met once, a lot of people have my number.

00:10:13 Speaker_00
Now they can reach me whenever they want. So my alone time doesn't ever really feel alone. And I need that. Like I need for me personally, I need alone time where I feel completely fucking alone. Maybe it's the only child in me.

00:10:32 Speaker_00
Maybe it's that personality test, 50% introverted, whatever. I don't know why, but I need that. And I think most people do. Okay, at least to an extent. Maybe they don't need alone time from their close family and friends.

00:10:43 Speaker_00
Honestly, I don't really need as much alone time from them. I'm dating somebody. They can be at my house all the time. I don't care. I can be around my friends for days and days and days and it's fine. I can be on the phone with my parents.

00:10:57 Speaker_00
every day for multiple hours a day. And that, that doesn't count. Like those people, my closest closest people, they're exempt from this, but everyone else interacting with them expends a certain amount of energy, you know?

00:11:12 Speaker_00
And sometimes that's delightful and that's exactly what I want. And sometimes it's not. And usually it's not because I don't like the person. It's literally just because I don't have the emotional bandwidth to do it.

00:11:25 Speaker_00
My emotional bandwidth to respond to people via text I think is actually lower possibly than average. Like I have friends that are constantly available over text to pretty much everyone and it doesn't really bother them. They don't overthink it.

00:11:41 Speaker_00
It doesn't really exhaust them as much. They're definitely more extroverted. So it just, it works for them. And a lot of times it's like a gut instinct. Like I'll, I'll see a text and I'll be like, oh my God, I can't respond to that right now.

00:11:55 Speaker_00
Or sometimes I'll miss a text completely because I have my phone on do not disturb at all times and the only calls that come through are from people on my favorites list, you know, anyone else, I'm not getting the notifications.

00:12:09 Speaker_00
So sometimes things can get buried and I don't even end up seeing texts from, you know, certain people that I'm not close with. It's challenging because

00:12:18 Speaker_00
Even though I knew this was a change I had to make in my life, like I just could not be fucking available all the time, I feel guilty not responding to a text for a month.

00:12:29 Speaker_00
I feel guilty not responding to a text at all, forgetting or just like never knowing what to say or just feeling in my gut that like I don't have it in me to entertain a conversation with this person. I don't even know them very well.

00:12:41 Speaker_00
And to be honest, I don't feel like I owe them anything. I worry that I'm hurting their feelings, and I never want to hurt anyone's feelings. They don't know why I'm not responding.

00:12:49 Speaker_00
At best, they're assuming that it's because they're not a priority in my life. Although I would argue everyone I'm not responding to in a timely manner is maybe not a priority for me, but I'm also not a priority to them, right, for the most part.

00:13:03 Speaker_00
But still, I do feel guilt.

00:13:06 Speaker_00
But I would say that guilt is the lesser of two evils for me because the negative feelings from being available to everyone all the time was far worse than the negative feelings I have about not being the best responder to everyone all the time.

00:13:27 Speaker_00
The way I've justified it is I don't expect other people to constantly be available to me either. People who I'm not close with, people who I've hung out with once, I don't really owe them my time and they don't really owe me theirs.

00:13:42 Speaker_00
And that's what makes it fair, I think. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. Dating can be exhausting. Even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming. You know, I'm not somebody who loves casually dating.

00:13:56 Speaker_00
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00:14:08 Speaker_00
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00:14:22 Speaker_00
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00:15:01 Speaker_00
The thing about text that's different about interactions in real life is that interactions over text are far more passive and they don't take as much courage, right? Like texting someone and saying, Hey, it's been a while. Want to hang out?

00:15:17 Speaker_00
is so much easier than going up to an old friend that you see across the room at a bar or something that you haven't talked to in a while and being like, Hey, oh my God, it's been so long. Like we should catch up soon.

00:15:29 Speaker_00
That's way more challenging and way more impactful. I don't know. It takes so much more effort to say that in real life. Like a text doesn't mean as much. in a way, which makes me feel like it's okay to sometimes ignore it. Do you know what I mean?

00:15:49 Speaker_00
It's very easy for somebody to type something and send it. It's indirect. And that's not to say that like there aren't some texts that are really deep and meaningful and heartfelt and necessary for connection.

00:16:03 Speaker_00
Like, you know, if you want to reconnect with an old friend, what are you going to wait to run into them? Sometimes that's not going to happen and that's unrealistic, so you need to shoot them a text. Okay, fair enough, right?

00:16:14 Speaker_00
But I think for the most part, texts are much emptier.

00:16:18 Speaker_00
There's a lot of empty texts and I feel like when a text does warrant a response because it is filled with emotion or filled with whatever, you'll see that and you'll be like, oh my God, I have to respond to that.

00:16:30 Speaker_00
But a lot of times we're getting an invite to a party from someone that we met once a few years ago through a mutual friend.

00:16:38 Speaker_00
Chances are they fucking copy and pasted that and sent it to like 10 different people, 50 different people, maybe even, or you know, someone you met once at a bar who like, you know, you guys kind of hit it off as friends text and says, Hey, I want to grab dinner this week.

00:16:52 Speaker_00
At first you might read that and be like, ah, I don't know. Then a week goes by and you don't respond and you're like, still don't know. I don't think I want to do that.

00:17:00 Speaker_00
you don't really decide, you don't really know yet, and then you just end up not responding. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, because it's not that deep, you know what I mean?

00:17:09 Speaker_00
Whereas if that person that you met once at the bar says, hey, ever since I met you, I haven't stopped thinking about you, I think that you're such a special person, and I'd be honored to be in your life as a friend, or blah, blah, blah, and goes on this hitch thing, and then says, maybe we could get dinner this week.

00:17:29 Speaker_00
Common sense tells you, holy shit, this person really just like put their heart out on the line. I should probably respond to this, right? That's like a fully different sort of thing. And I mean, listen, is it okay to ghost that?

00:17:42 Speaker_00
I probably wouldn't, but you only met them once, like how much do you really owe them, you know? I think ghosting people is not always bad. I think sometimes ghosting can be a really helpful tool, but I think it can be abused really easily.

00:18:00 Speaker_00
Like, if you met somebody once and the connection was never that deep, and they text you and ask you to hang out again, and you're like, eh, I don't really want to. I don't think you have to respond. I think you can just let it go.

00:18:13 Speaker_00
If they follow up and are like, hey, I'm kind of bummed. Like, what the hell happened? Then maybe you could be like, hey, sorry, you know, I just don't think it's going to work. Okay, there you go. Fine.

00:18:23 Speaker_00
It's maybe better to communicate sometimes, but sometimes it's like, I don't know, unnecessary to like overexplain. Like I think it's okay to just not respond.

00:18:32 Speaker_00
Uh, with somebody that you like went on 10 dates with, yeah, you probably shouldn't ghost that person.

00:18:37 Speaker_00
But all of this to say, I've arrived at a place now where I'm not available to everyone 24 seven and I don't expect them to be available to me 24 seven. This is like strictly for survival for me at this point. Like I don't even have a choice.

00:18:53 Speaker_00
And if people get their feelings hurt, I hope that they'll communicate it to me because at that point I'll see that and be like, okay, let me explain to them what's going on here. You know, I can't be available 24 seven. I'm so sorry.

00:19:06 Speaker_00
I hope you can understand. And also when people are not available to me, I have to accept that. And I have to accept the fact that I, I might not really know why unless I ask, but I have benefited a lot from this. I have a better work life balance.

00:19:21 Speaker_00
I'm able to get into the flow state easier because I'm not constantly worried about being available. My phone's on do not disturb. If someone needs to get ahold of me who really matters, like they'll get through to me. And that's it.

00:19:36 Speaker_00
But I don't think that this is going to work for everyone. Like, this is my own sort of moral standing on responding to texts. I think the formula for determining your own text availability is how do you want to be treated?

00:19:50 Speaker_00
Do you want everyone to be available to you at all times? Okay, well then you have to be available to others at all times. That's how I created my formula, and I think that's just the only way to do it. I don't know.

00:20:02 Speaker_00
I think the expectation to be constantly available is unrealistic for most people. I really do. I think it's unrealistic for most people. I think it's really unhealthy. I think it prevents

00:20:15 Speaker_00
recharge time, I think it causes social burnout, and I've noticed that I'm just much happier not being available 24-7. So take a look at your own life and decide for yourself. This episode of Anything Goes is brought to you by Amazon.

00:20:33 Speaker_00
I will admit gift giving is not my love language. However, there are many people in my life who do care about gifts. Gifts is their love language. And so when it comes to gift giving, I love a one-stop shop.

00:20:49 Speaker_00
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00:21:02 Speaker_00
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00:21:15 Speaker_00
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00:21:33 Speaker_00
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00:21:52 Speaker_00
Brilliantly boring since 1865 is a service mark of the PNC Financial Services Group, Incorporated. PNC Bank, National Association, member FDIC. This episode is brought to you by Adidas. Pressure. I felt it. You felt it.

00:22:07 Speaker_00
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00:22:23 Speaker_00
You got this. Visit adidas.com slash you got this to learn more. Oh, all right. Please let me know what you think. I'm so curious. Like maybe you think I'm evil for not being available to everyone all the time.

00:22:39 Speaker_00
Like some people really, really think that that's not fair and think that that's just like being avoidant or something. I don't know. Like it's kind of a polarizing topic I think. So let me know what you think.

00:22:51 Speaker_00
Shoot me a DM or a comment at anything goes on social media. Let me know what you think. new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday anywhere you stream podcasts.

00:23:02 Speaker_00
I'm on social media at Emma Chamberlain and you can find my coffee company, Chamberlain coffee.com or at Chamberlain coffee on social media. That's all I have for today. Okay. I'll talk to you all later. I'll talk to you later. Um, on my terms. Okay.

00:23:18 Speaker_00
Because I'm not available 24 seven to everyone at all times. Yeah. Okay. I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you for listening and hanging out and I will talk to you very, very soon. Okay. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Adidas.

00:23:34 Speaker_00
Whether you're a professional athlete or lacing up a pair of sneakers for the first time, everyone feels pressure. Okay. For me, it started when I was a young tween.

00:23:43 Speaker_00
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00:23:57 Speaker_00
The only problem was, even though I did well under the pressure, the pressure still made me miserable, and it made me anxious. But it wasn't until I got older that I realized that sports should be where you escape pressure, not feel it.

00:24:10 Speaker_00
For me now, it's less about perfection and being the best, and it's more about doing what feels good and what makes me happy. With the right mindset, you can beat anything, including pressure. You got this.

00:24:21 Speaker_00
Visit adidas.com slash you got this to learn more.