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Episode: The Election Episode

Author: Distractible
Duration: 00:54:29

Episode Shownotes

Distractible: America's #1 trusted news source brings you all of the exclusive and unbiased coverage you need for the 2024 presidential election. Pig orgasms. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Summary

In the 'Election Episode' of Distractible, hosts Mark, Bob, and Wade tackle the idiosyncrasies of the 2024 presidential election with their signature humor. They blend serious commentary with whimsical anecdotes, such as unusual animal behaviors and relatable personal experiences, creating a lighthearted atmosphere. The hosts engage in playful discussions about Ted Cruz, the NFL trade deadline, and Al Gore while skillfully interweaving pop culture references. Their comedic style showcases how they navigate serious topics, reminding listeners of the absurdity amidst critical societal events.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (The Election Episode) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_03
This episode is brought to you by Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. Uncover one of history's greatest mysteries in Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. A first-person single-player video game set between Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade.

00:00:12 Speaker_00
The year is 1937. Sinister forces are scouring the globe for the secret to an ancient power, and only one person can stop them.

00:00:19 Speaker_03
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00:00:36 Speaker_03
Rated T for Teen. Copyright and trademark 2024. Lucasfilm Limited. All rights reserved.

00:00:40 Speaker_05
Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Magnific Mark misses Nick's legs, quits gambling, wonders about the cruise, and alleges Elon annihilated Antarctica.

00:00:54 Speaker_05
Bunny-loving Bob has ornithological barum observations, berates Big Boy for rent-a-rears, and pees geometric shapes. Weariful Wade touts Viagra for droopy, gores Big Al, and doubts Spider-Pig's scientific standings from fap sessions to horny hogs.

00:01:15 Speaker_05
It's time for the election episode. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

00:01:26 Speaker_03
Welcome, everyone, to a very somber distractible. A very serious distractible.

00:01:32 Speaker_03
You know when, like, a PBS show would come in and there would not be the happy-go-lucky music and, you know, all the bright colorful opening and it would just be some guy sitting there, hey, listen, things are all explodey right now and, well, we're here just to tell ya it's okay in the scariest way possible?

00:01:48 Speaker_03
That's what I'm trying to do right here. It's working because yeah, I was like man only than the worst of events. Do I remember it being like that?

00:01:54 Speaker_03
This is the time three weeks later from when the day that it is because we're so far ahead in our recordings because we're such efficient efficient boys that we are on the pulse of the news and we here are with distractibles live election result discussion.

00:02:12 Speaker_03
I voted today. Wow. I did too. I'm just a show off. I brought another shirt in case we didn't want to date the episode. What a crazy election it will be and was and is. The results of which resound across all time, even here in the future past.

00:02:32 Speaker_03
Isn't this just the future future? No, we're in the past of their future. We're in the past of our own future for their present. Ow. How did you hurt yourself? You're sitting at a desk. I'm fine. Don't worry. Okay.

00:02:47 Speaker_03
Listen, my name is Markiplier, or maybe it's not anymore. I don't know who I'll be in this future present coexistence that we have.

00:02:56 Speaker_03
The changes that we're going to affect to the future will ripple and this will be the only surviving message from a past that no longer exists because the future that you're listening to this branched off from a causality effect

00:03:10 Speaker_03
That broke the universe! Wow. The only two surviving members of the human race along with me from this branch of the timeline are Bob and Wade. Is this, like, Interstellar? Exactly like Interstellar. Okay. Now I understand what's happening now, then.

00:03:24 Speaker_03
Oh, that's really awkward that the knocking on the wall came during a fap session, then.

00:03:29 Speaker_01
No! Sorry? Don't go, don't!

00:03:36 Speaker_02
I don't know if that joke will make the cut, but... Why wouldn't it?

00:03:40 Speaker_03
Why wouldn't it make the cut?

00:03:41 Speaker_02
I don't know, that's pretty raunchy even for me.

00:03:43 Speaker_03
This is a selective show, Mark. What do you mean, why wouldn't it? And now, Bob will sing a rendition of Wet Ass Pussy. Is that a song? And now Baltimore will sing a rendition of Wet Ass Pussy.

00:03:57 Speaker_04
There's some hoes in this house. There's some hoes in this house. There's some hoes in this house.

00:04:03 Speaker_03
Who's in the house? It's important for us to say, I hope Baltimore has gotten his channel back by now, because once again, finger on the pulse.

00:04:10 Speaker_03
This is very far in the future, but also it's right now, Baltimore apparently has been super hacked, which sucks. It's fixable, though, as long as the right people start doing the right things.

00:04:20 Speaker_03
Well, I sent a message because I have a contact at YouTube and, you know, he's very nice and he's very good. I'm trying to call him out or anything. I said, like, hey, Baltimore's channel has been hacked and also his Twitter.

00:04:29 Speaker_03
But you can't you can't really do anything about that. And they're like, oh, okay, well, we'll escalate it. All right, he should be getting a reset email very soon.

00:04:37 Speaker_03
And I go, yeah, I think his email's been compromised, guys, because it's kind of Google and YouTube's the same email that you have for that thing. Yeah, anyway, I think they're gonna fix that. Ignore the flashing lights on my face. What the fuck?

00:04:52 Speaker_03
Mark, I think the rave is leaking in from behind the camera. I'm remote desk-stopping into three computers, and they're installing things, so they're just... Ah, reboot system. It was done. Okay.

00:05:03 Speaker_00
That's weird. You're still doing that in the future, past.

00:05:05 Speaker_03
Look, I'm trying to save the- preserve our timeline. The work that I'm doing right now is what keeps our psychic waveforms preserved as they go forward into time. The signal de-de-de-de-de-deh. Are you trying to say denigration or degradation?

00:05:24 Speaker_03
Yes, that's one. Yes. Degradation is what I was saying. Dagobah system? The signal Dagobah. It's from Dagobah. It's coming from the Dagobah system. It is. It is accelerating or something. I don't know. Pretend I said something good. Oh, yes, it's true.

00:05:42 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:05:42 Speaker_03
How are you guys in the future past? Being that I know now that we are in the future past, it explains a lot why I feel the way that I do, because I feel like I am was in the now then future.

00:05:55 Speaker_03
I'm tired and for no reason, because the baby finally has he's been sleeping really well. He put himself to bed last night for possibly the first time ever and woke up and put himself back to sleep.

00:06:05 Speaker_03
That's not that crazy for the baby of his age, but for our baby of our baby's age, he doesn't do that shit normally. So it's been oh, we have a bunny in the yard. You guys ever have a concerning bunny live in your yard?

00:06:16 Speaker_03
We have a couple different rabbits that live under like a tree concerning bunny. It's concerning because we have a window in our stairs is cut into like two flights to go from the main floor to upstairs.

00:06:28 Speaker_03
And there's a big window on the stairs out the window. There's just a bunny laying out in the middle of our yard in the grass, not hidden, not in a bush, not there's no hole or burrow or anything. She's just laying there and she doesn't move.

00:06:42 Speaker_03
But unless people go out there and get like go towards her, then she's all and runs away. But there's literally a little bunny shaped aspirin in our lawn. And so we were like, does she have is there babies in there? No, there's not. Is she injured?

00:06:55 Speaker_03
She seems fine. She seems like she can go whenever she wants to. This bunny has just decided to live in the middle of the grass in the middle of our yard in the wide open area. I don't understand why this is not a normal behavior as far as I can tell.

00:07:07 Speaker_03
It's just weird. So it's a concerning bunny, because it's like, what are you doing, bunny? Like, why are you just watching, staring at the house? I don't know. It's concerning.

00:07:16 Speaker_03
Maybe the bunny's looking at you and is like thinking the same thing, like what the hell are you guys doing? Hey, it's my house. I can do whatever I want.

00:07:21 Speaker_03
Just because I like to run up and down the stairs naked at three in the morning, see if any of my neighbors noticed doesn't mean it's her business. Do you do it until a neighbor notices?

00:07:29 Speaker_03
No, I just do it like every night at the same time to see if anyone ever says anything about it. It's an interesting game because I think even if they do notice, some of our neighbors are not likely to bring it up.

00:07:39 Speaker_03
They'll just pretend it's not happening. But I'm curious which ones will say something.

00:07:43 Speaker_00
Do you ever like show off pictures of your house and they're just like accidentally like you're thawing in one of them or something?

00:07:47 Speaker_03
I wish, but it's full, full rear roll, full back roll. What's the opposite of frontal back? No back shots. Somehow you're full back in your mirror reflection. Like you took the picture with the phone behind your head.

00:08:00 Speaker_03
So you knew you'd be in the mirror, but it's just all all back. That's not even illegal. We've got this guy. Whoa. Is that some kind of bird? It's a tree. Yeah, it's like a hawk. It's a pigeon. Hawk is definitely a tree.

00:08:14 Speaker_00
There's a tree, but there's a bird. And that bird was outside with the dogs. And I heard like something fall. And I was like, damn squirrels trying to kill us again.

00:08:22 Speaker_00
And I looked up and that bird, I think, was taking a dump, trying to see if it could hit Presley, because Presley was like sniffing around right under it. And I kept hearing noises. And the bird was just like,

00:08:31 Speaker_00
I looked away whenever I looked up at it was like, oh, you piece of shit. You're trying to shit on my dog.

00:08:35 Speaker_03
I'm sure. Yes, actually.

00:08:37 Speaker_00
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that that Hawk and I are fighting now. I'll go in, but we're fighting now.

00:08:41 Speaker_03
Guys ever seen the way that I think it's Peregrine Falcons hunt. It's really mean. They they dive bomb basically. Right. They're very fast. They travel insanely fast.

00:08:50 Speaker_03
But one of the one of the tactics they use in hunting is they dive at small creatures and they don't try and like hurt them necessarily or grab them. They just dive bomb them and smack the shit out of them.

00:09:01 Speaker_03
And there's if you look it up, there's all these clips of Peregrine Falcons going into like a super fast eye bomb and just like kicking a little bunny in the head or something. And they try and stun them.

00:09:11 Speaker_03
And so they basically just kick the shit out of these little creatures until they're like so so stunned and out of it that then they can go in and try and eat them or whatever they do. But.

00:09:19 Speaker_03
It's real mean because it kind of just looks like the Falcon is just like, bitch, I'm too fast. Like they just fly in and out. It's like, man, that's messed up. Depressive, like depressed about fast they go. But it's it's it's a little messed up.

00:09:33 Speaker_03
You're not seeing birds hunt like that. I think I saw a pelican with a fish once.

00:09:37 Speaker_00
It's all seagull with a French fry.

00:09:39 Speaker_03
Classic seagull prey. All right. Who's got the most interesting bird with a food object? We got seagull with a french fry. I've seen a penguin with an electric guitar. Holy shit.

00:09:49 Speaker_02
Is that a food object?

00:09:50 Speaker_03
You know that huge baby penguin? What's his name? Bungus? Yeah, Bungus. He has an electric guitar sometimes.

00:09:57 Speaker_00
I had a blue and gold macaw holding a cat by the tail. Was it flying? The cat? No.

00:10:04 Speaker_02
It's a cat, dude. What kind of question is that?

00:10:07 Speaker_03
You're right. I have seen an ostrich with an emu on its back, or maybe an emu with an ostrich on its back. I can never tell the difference. What were they eating? Was it like a drive-thru or something?

00:10:18 Speaker_03
I don't know, it looked like some nondescript takeout pizza. That wasn't really the cool part. Weirdly enough, the penguin with the guitar doesn't qualify it as food. It's very cool, but not pertinent. And the emu on an ostrich or vice versa.

00:10:32 Speaker_03
Or maybe it was like, you know, an emu and an ostrich doing like the thing where they're kind of back to back and they keep flipping their legs over and over. It's a very Banjo-Kazooie type relationship. Yeah, it doesn't pertain to that.

00:10:44 Speaker_03
Wait, did the peregrine falcon or whatever it was, eat the cat?

00:10:47 Speaker_00
No, they were both our pets. We used to have a blue and gold macaw named Sidney and our cat used to go try to attack it and Sidney would like nip at the cat's tail and got it one time.

00:10:55 Speaker_00
Didn't cut it off, thankfully, but it did like... We used to hand feed her bananas too. I don't know. She would say, banana, banana, and we'd just give her a banana.

00:11:02 Speaker_03
I saw this leggy blonde bird down three dry martinis at the bar. There's alcohol food? Well, that's, you know, that's a question I'm not qualified to answer. The bar was called the Pink Flamingo. How leggy? How many legs? The correct number of legs.

00:11:16 Speaker_03
They just went all the way up. Legs up to the top of her top and face down to there. Face down to there? Where? She had face for days? She has a mid-face that rivals even yours. You know the movie? You're like, cut me off at the passage.

00:11:33 Speaker_03
I don't know if you're going to save my joke or this. Oh, the movie. Come on. I didn't want to cut you off. There's something about the movie Long Legs. I don't know. I don't feel like it.

00:11:42 Speaker_03
To Long Legs, I was going to say, I haven't seen the movie, but I keep going.

00:11:51 Speaker_03
Whatever else he says I can't remember is that from that movie or you just like to say that yeah That's that's one of the big that was in like that I don't even know if it was in the trailer But it's one of the things that clips that got popular from the movie because that's I've seen that a bunch also Oh, this movie just came out this year.

00:12:05 Speaker_02
I was like this must be some old movie. I've never heard of

00:12:07 Speaker_03
came out this last year. It's Nicolas Cage, so I mean, I've watched pretty much all of Nicolas Cage's shocky horrors.

00:12:13 Speaker_00
It's got an 86% on Rotten Tomatoes and 68% of people like this movie.

00:12:17 Speaker_03
It's well reviewed, but I think from what I've heard, it's not really the most enjoyable. It's kind of one of those movies where you go like, oh, I don't know, but I haven't seen it.

00:12:30 Speaker_03
I don't know what your last words are, but it sounds like a baked beans. I didn't know either. Unmake me is what he said.

00:12:36 Speaker_03
I had to see captions because it's literally said I MAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

00:12:58 Speaker_03
Oh, friends popping over for a spot of chat and ketchup? I'll make tea! Hey, do I need to cook this pie at home? I'll bake freeze! Oh god, I drank my icy too fast.

00:13:13 Speaker_02
I'll bake freeze! Nicolas Cage in this movie? I'll make peace! That makes sense.

00:13:24 Speaker_03
No, no, it didn't, but it was still funny somehow. Long legs in Sequoia National Park. I MAKE TREES!

00:13:31 Speaker_02
Trying to be hip with the kids. OMG! He's reaching for a tissue box. I MAKE KNEES! I can't tell if this is funny or not. Blood on the leg. I SCRAPE KNEES! Dumbest joke that we've laughed the hardest at in a while. He's finished at a restaurant.

00:13:54 Speaker_02
ATTACK PLEASE! Ow, I pulled... I'm old.

00:13:59 Speaker_03
I'm doing good. My render farm is rendering. It's very powerful and it takes a lot of electricity. You're in the future now, so maybe it takes less. No more. But you got your solar all fixed, probably, right? I didn't.

00:14:16 Speaker_03
I bought a 30 foot pole, but then I hesitated or I didn't hesitate. I didn't hesitate at all. That's the wrong word. Forget I said that word.

00:14:24 Speaker_03
I underestimated how unwieldy a 30-foot pole is, because when you extend it all 30 feet, it's not only extremely heavy at that mechanical leverage disadvantage, but also the pole itself just goes... just droops all the way everywhere.

00:14:42 Speaker_03
And so it's really easy to whack it on things. And, you know, solar panels aren't exactly the most... They've got things to help with droopy poles. What? Viagra.

00:14:54 Speaker_02
I don't know. It's the future, man. Who knows?

00:14:57 Speaker_00
You know, Mark, I'm surprised that this episode, three weeks in the future, you're talking about the big day today being the election. But for you, there's a bigger reason today is a big day.

00:15:07 Speaker_02
NFL trade deadline, sports podcaster. made a trade already at least one, which they never do.

00:15:18 Speaker_03
They get rid of T no, they acquired a running back from Chicago for a seventh round pick. That doesn't sound like a thing that we need, but okay.

00:15:28 Speaker_00
You know, the offense has really been struggling, so they thought they would boost it up and say, screw that defense.

00:15:33 Speaker_03
We really have been having a hell of a time establishing our run game, except for last game. I mean, to be fair, it's against the Raiders, but what?

00:15:41 Speaker_00
Hey, lots of content from that NFL trade deadline. I'll bet you got a lot out of there.

00:15:46 Speaker_03
I sure did but I don't like to talk about all of my massive massive sports bettings which are massive and I do all the time quote me on this for sure don't please I disavow that past I'm changed I'm a new man I apologize for my former behavior this was a big in like three seconds

00:16:05 Speaker_03
Look, the timelines are converging. They're going, love to gamble. Don't do it anymore. Never did. Forgive me for what I did. I moved on. I'm better now. I'm going back in. I'm done.

00:16:14 Speaker_03
Look, it's, it's, uh, the, I live a rollercoaster of emotions so that I can average out a perfectly boring life. And so I go for that average. Uh, but today, you know, who's not going for that average? Oh man. Three weeks from now. Um, Al Gore.

00:16:31 Speaker_03
What was the question? That was more of a rhetorical thing, I was trying to like do a terrible segue of, you know who's not going for that average? But Al Gore is the current contending answer for that. Bob, do you have a competing answer for that?

00:16:42 Speaker_03
Bungus the penguin who plays electric guitar? You're right. He's way above average. He's not. He's not going for average. We got Bungus the penguin. You got it. Nailed it. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money.

00:16:57 Speaker_03
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00:17:06 Speaker_03
Well, you know, Rocket Money, it will also send you an alert if like one of your bills increases in price. Yeah, Wade started up his own website called Lonely Fans. Just me there.

00:17:15 Speaker_03
This is, look, Rocket Money has over 5 million users, has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions. saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. Stop wasting money on things you don't use.

00:17:29 Speaker_03
Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash distractible. That's R-O-C-K-E-T-M-O-N-E-Y.com slash D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E rocketmoney.com slash distractible. Uh, so we all know the results of what happened.

00:17:46 Speaker_03
We know the, the country that we're living in right now. Uh, we know what it is, uh, except we don't. So whatever we say in this episode is not true unless it is. And then it's sadly ironic looking back on, uh, anything that we say. So

00:18:04 Speaker_03
Take this episode with a grain of salt. It is not going to be a serious political discussion in any way. We hope you vote, Ted. Who's Ted? I didn't vote for Ted. No, no Ted Cruz. Oh God. All right. Here's the over and under.

00:18:20 Speaker_02
Oh voted. You just said voted in a weird way.

00:18:22 Speaker_03
Why did you not think I said voted? I hope you vote. I can never tell if you're doing a bit or if you're actually just honestly confused anymore.

00:18:30 Speaker_02
The way he said voted was like the emphasis was so wrong. I hope you voted.

00:18:36 Speaker_03
Do you think, do you think we still have Ted Cruz? Do you think he's still with us?

00:18:40 Speaker_02
I didn't know he was up for election in Ohio.

00:18:43 Speaker_03
No, I'm just, I'm just, I'm so curious because I've heard, I've heard that nobody likes him. I mean, it's hard to imagine why anyone would like him even in Congress. I don't know if this is true or not.

00:18:56 Speaker_03
It might have just been a comedian's joke, but it's like even his own party members, even worst enemies will hide in rooms when they know he's coming down the hall.

00:19:04 Speaker_03
And I don't know if that's just a presence thing or an odor thing, or just like he'll start talking at you. And that's bad enough.

00:19:10 Speaker_02
We started spreading rumors. I already smells real bad.

00:19:15 Speaker_03
We're in a separate timeline. I've disavowed everything at the beginning of this. We are immune from any criticism because of the disclaimer I made earlier in this episode. So I think that we can say whatever we want.

00:19:25 Speaker_03
Ted Cruz is probably a little stinky. I don't know. Bob, do you hear a lot about him? I don't hear a lot about him myself here. I mean, I hear a bit about Ted Cruz. He's pretty covered nationally.

00:19:35 Speaker_03
I always just like to imagine that people don't want to talk to him because they know he's about to start telling them more stories about his most recent trip to Cancun. Wait, do you know about that? Is that a joke? Is his last name's Cruz? No.

00:19:50 Speaker_03
Oh, he's the Cancun. I remember that story. Yeah. I just any time anything happens, that's what he does. Right. And this he's been busy.

00:19:57 Speaker_03
So I just imagine that his colleagues on the Hill are just like, God, I need to hear another story about how pale he was on the beach on his jet ski. Just hide in here. Hide in the cloakroom. The cloakroom. The cloakroom is a place.

00:20:10 Speaker_03
It's not a good hiding place because there's a cloakroom for each side of the aisle, I think, in the outside the chambers. But. Is it where they hang cloaks, or is this like the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe type cloak?

00:20:20 Speaker_03
Cloak got the White House sponsorship.

00:20:22 Speaker_00
Oh, wow.

00:20:26 Speaker_03
Go in there and there's just a bunch of cloak merch on the walls.

00:20:29 Speaker_02
President comes out like the FNAF cloak combo.

00:20:33 Speaker_03
Look, the government contracts are where the money is. That's where you really, really want it.

00:20:38 Speaker_03
I heard that Mitch McConnell's been trying to talk you guys up about a McConnell Palpatine crossover art thing, but it's really hard to get the licensing for that sort of thing.

00:20:48 Speaker_00
It's great, though, for the snipers in the U.S. military. They're hidden in plain sight.

00:20:54 Speaker_03
It's a huge advantage. The military branch of cloak will, when the secrets come out about that, it will bury me. But for now, I am enjoying the rewards of these contracts. They are lucrative.

00:21:06 Speaker_03
But yes, okay, so was it or was it not crazy that Elon immediately activated his Starlink orbital laser network and wiped, which country do I say?

00:21:19 Speaker_02
I don't know man, this is your bit. Who do you want to take off the map, Mark?

00:21:23 Speaker_03
I thought you were going to say it's going to wipe out the offices of the NLRB or something. What's the NLRB? The National Labor Relations Board.

00:21:31 Speaker_03
The people who who get you in trouble if you like treat your employees like they're indentured servants and you know that sort of thing. Yeah, and then impregnate the other half. Whoops.

00:21:42 Speaker_02
I don't know what's happening anymore.

00:21:45 Speaker_03
All right, so he activated Orbital Laser and wiped Antarctica off the map to fight global warming. Oh, it was a cold move. He turned Antarctica into a bunch of crushed ice, thus lowering the global temperature by a few degrees.

00:22:01 Speaker_03
Like the kind that Frisch's has, like vanilla Coke. Exactly.

00:22:04 Speaker_00
This is unrelated. A bunch of frishes are closing in Cincinnati and I'm really sad about it. Buy em.

00:22:21 Speaker_03
I'd rather have the restaurants back myself. I don't ironically enjoy frishes. That's a good restaurant. Okay, wait, I'm Googling the big boy pile. Oh, I did. Wow. It was exactly what I said. They're not in a pile.

00:22:35 Speaker_03
Statue Graveyard is a more apt description of it. I don't know why is that circled? What? Why is there a red circle on top?

00:22:43 Speaker_00
Uh, because that, the 10-man's dick is also in there.

00:22:46 Speaker_03
Oh no! They were like, hey, we should get these big boy statues- Hey, that looks like a penis. We should get these big boy statues out of here. It's, yeah, it's not a pile, but definitely once tipped over. I mean, they're, they're a little piley.

00:22:58 Speaker_03
As much as you could pile something like this, it's a, it's a pile-ish. I, you know, I'm surprised there hasn't been a horror game about this particular mascot because I've always thought, even when I was a kid, that this statue was terrifying.

00:23:11 Speaker_03
Nah, I feel that. Cause it's like a child holding a giant hamburger. So like, not only is a kid is huge, but that burger is even is too big for that child. Who is getting that burger? There's so many questions that I have that are unanswered.

00:23:25 Speaker_03
And also why did they have the greatest soup and salad bar? They do have a pretty good one. I like their fish meal, too. There are still some of them. They're not all gone. They're just dying.

00:23:34 Speaker_03
Look at that one on the ground, sleeping with a cheeseburger pillow foot kicking out to make sure no one comes in to disturb. He's just laying there holding the gate shut, keeping their privacy.

00:23:44 Speaker_03
And is it just me or is like if you're looking at the circle and you're facing it to the bottom, right?

00:23:48 Speaker_00
Is that one in the back especially scary?

00:23:50 Speaker_03
Oh, yeah.

00:23:51 Speaker_00
Oh, yeah.

00:23:52 Speaker_03
No wonder where all you can see is some of the face. That one's somehow scarier than the rest. It doesn't have eyebrows. It's the problem. Maybe that's why. Yeah. So if you were in a horror game, it would be like 90% of these are not moving actual statue.

00:24:06 Speaker_03
That's the real one. That's the real one is going to come after you when you turn your back.

00:24:10 Speaker_00
If somebody makes a Frisch's Big Boy horror game and we play it, can we save the Frisch's franchise so I can get the... Dude, they have the best vanilla Coke on the planet. It makes the Coca-Cola vanilla Coke cans look like garbage.

00:24:22 Speaker_03
Isn't it because they just make it like you're supposed to? Like the old school way where they just put real vanilla in it?

00:24:26 Speaker_00
I don't know, but they have like the crushed ice that floats on the top of the cup. They have the fun cups to hold and I don't know their Coke. It's like people about how good McDonald's Coke is. I think Frisch's vanilla Coke is better than that by far.

00:24:39 Speaker_03
Interesting fun fact. So Frisch's uses those red Coca-Cola cups, right? That's like the one of the sort of like restaurant standards that has like the ripply outside texture. You can buy those. That is a patented design.

00:24:52 Speaker_03
You can buy those red restaurant grade cups online. I didn't know this, but apparently the plastic they make those out of. because they're very thin plastic cups. So it seems like they're just like not that special.

00:25:02 Speaker_03
Apparently that plastic is a very relatively high insulation rating. Even though it's a thin plastic cup, it actually does keep your drink colder longer because it's an it's a special kind of insulating plastic stuff.

00:25:16 Speaker_03
I don't know what you're talking about. I know what you're talking about. Share it. I don't want to. It's like those red cups that like a lot of restaurants use. It's a specific kind of thing. It's a patented design.

00:25:28 Speaker_00
Yeah, yeah, they kind of look like the old school police siren red things, but upside down and you drink out of it like a cup. Anyway, I didn't mean to distract us from this important three week old stuff, but I wanted to talk about frishes.

00:25:40 Speaker_03
I don't even remember what we were talking about. No, hold on. I was I had a point to make Ted Cruz stinky. This is so like a niche Ohio problem. I guess the rest of the viewers and listeners don't really care about my frishes woes.

00:25:52 Speaker_03
But man, big boy is in other places. I don't know if they're closing elsewhere or not, but they being evicted, I think I think I think they were being evicted is what it was. Evicted. Why big boy clothes? Why big boy clothes?

00:26:04 Speaker_03
Oh, they were facing eviction because they failed to pay millions in rent. Well, that sounds less unfair with all of the context, but I forget what I was going to say, but it was very important. I think the timelines are starting to get disassociated.

00:26:16 Speaker_03
OK, do you think that blasting Antarctica off the face of the earth was the right move? Genius move.

00:26:23 Speaker_00
I mean, it may have been if Al Gore wasn't there saying, I invented the internet right as it happened. Trying to save the one Antarctican tree.

00:26:30 Speaker_03
You know, this is what I always wonder, because I know that's a joke. And I believe that he probably said that. Did he actually say that, though? Because I start to question everything I've ever heard.

00:26:38 Speaker_03
Because the internet nowadays, you can actually, like, get video, but also, like, in the near future with, like, AI-manipulated videos, it's going to be even harder.

00:26:45 Speaker_03
Back then, when that happened, you just had to wait until the news cycle would play it again. It's not like you had it. Like the original time he said it. Why I like had a stroke. What? Who said what? Al Gore saying he invented the Internet.

00:26:56 Speaker_03
Oh, it's such a meme. It's a meme, but it's like. I don't even know. It's a tragedy that Antarctica had to get blasted into cubed ice. But just think about all of the cute penguins floating around on chunks of said ice.

00:27:11 Speaker_03
There's a whole new tourist industry of boat cruises through penguin ice flows. That's true. So like you used to have to venture on to the continent. Now it's just penguins stranded in the middle of the ocean all over. Oh, that's cute.

00:27:26 Speaker_03
Do you want to hear Gore's quote? Absolutely.

00:27:29 Speaker_00
I'll be offering my vision when my campaign begins. It will be comprehensive and sweeping, and I hope that it will be compelling enough to draw people toward it. I feel that it will be, but it will emerge from my dialogue with the American people.

00:27:38 Speaker_00
I've traveled to every part of this country during the last six years. During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.

00:27:44 Speaker_00
I took the initiative in moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to our country's economic growth and environmental protection and improvements in our educational system."

00:27:52 Speaker_00
So his sentence, or part of his quote was, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. Hmm, so I'm assuming what he actually meant was like he helped ask some bill or something. Can we have internet?

00:28:02 Speaker_03
Yes I'm not saying the Al Gore is the perfect person in the world But I know nothing about him other than that quote. You don't know anything else about him. He ran for President he did there's probably more to that story, but he did run for president.

00:28:15 Speaker_03
That's all we need to know anyway And he didn't win question mark didn't

00:28:21 Speaker_00
And that's where that quote comes from. A gore and a bush are worth two on the ballot.

00:28:25 Speaker_03
Have you ever seen Al Gore and George Bush in the same place at the same time?

00:28:29 Speaker_00
Yes. No. I mean, no.

00:28:31 Speaker_03
Sorry, sorry. I misread the tone. Well, there is one right answer, and one of you said it, and I'll write down who.

00:28:37 Speaker_00
Yeah, Antarctica, that sucks. They had probably a few people, animals, and ice. Melty ice, probably. Oh man, I hear the water flowing.

00:28:51 Speaker_03
I think Wade might be suffering a little bit of decline. I've really gone over the hill in the last three weeks. Here, I'll pose it to you this way, Wade.

00:28:58 Speaker_03
If you had a button to activate the Starlink laser orbital barrage network, and they were all pointed at Antarctica right now, would you press that button? No, Antarctica's done nothing wrong to me. No, if it was aimed at Pittsburgh.

00:29:12 Speaker_03
Okay, if it was aimed at Pittsburgh. No, that's too close, man. That would scare me. Alright, how far away does it need to be? Does it not matter what place it is? You're an equal opportunity orbital bombarder.

00:29:25 Speaker_03
You know what, I feel like Jupiter gets a pretty good rap and everyone ignores poor Saturn, so like I'd aim it at Jupiter. Just fuck Jupiter, dude. Everyone ignores poor Saturn?

00:29:35 Speaker_03
I'm sorry, Saturn is probably one of the only planets in our solar system that if you showed a picture of it with zero context to almost anyone, including elementary school children, they would be able to name it because it's the one with the big rings around it.

00:29:51 Speaker_03
Yeah, it doesn't get the love it deserves. No, you are just saying Jupiter doesn't get the love it deserves. No, Jupiter gets too much praise. Guys, I solved the Saturn hexagon. What? I solved the Saturn hexagon. Three weeks ago or now?

00:30:06 Speaker_03
Three, four weeks ago. Then now. Time is speeding up. Tell us, Mark. Quickly, quickly. All right. So, in the bottom of Saturn or the top, it doesn't really matter in space, but in one of the poles, there's literally a hexagon.

00:30:20 Speaker_03
And this is not an exaggeration. It is hexagonal in shape. Right on the pole, it is a hexagon. Like a prism or just a drawing of one? Yeah, someone drew a hexagon. No, it's a hexagon. God drew it on there as a prank and he's still getting people with it.

00:30:38 Speaker_03
They would have telescopes for thousands of years, but they'll get this once they see it.

00:30:43 Speaker_00
Oh, there's a straw hole in the middle. You just pop a straw and drink Saturn.

00:30:47 Speaker_03
Why? Just because it's a hexagon?

00:30:49 Speaker_00
It's kind of a Baja Blast color. Do you think it tastes like a Baja?

00:30:52 Speaker_03
I hope that's not the color of the Baja Blast that you've been drinking. Explain the cognitive decline. What, are you drinking bottles of Baja Blast from 2009? It's not good, man. I didn't see an expiration date. It wore off. So there's a hexagon, right?

00:31:06 Speaker_03
I was doing dishes, right? And so one of the things I do if I'm making I brown meat for pasta takes a bit to clean it. So I like to soak it. You're into soaking. Got it. So

00:31:17 Speaker_03
I set the pan flat on the counter right because I wanted to fill it up and I set it in a place where I could just angle the faucet and blast it in but I could blast it in from the side right so I was blasting at an angle because I was like I'll put soap in there as it's filling it'll spin around in there and it'll do some

00:31:32 Speaker_03
It'll mix it up, do maybe a little light bit of washing, so it'll make it easier for me to clean later, right? As it was spinning, it was moving, obviously, the water inside, and the suds were mixing up, right?

00:31:43 Speaker_03
And because of the angle that it was hitting, and it was spinning the water inside, the way the suds and the water separated in the pan, perfectly round pan, formed a hexagon.

00:31:55 Speaker_03
Not joking, not lying, I didn't take a picture of it because I was just like, oh, that's interesting. And then I realized like where I had seen something like this before.

00:32:02 Speaker_03
The spinning of this pot with a just force of something coming in this way in a circular pan created a hexagon by the separation of the soap bubbles and the water inside. Legitimately just like that one in Saturn. I solved it. I want my Nobel Prize.

00:32:20 Speaker_03
The hexagon is just God doing dishes. It's him peeing at an angle into Saturn, and it just- He pees like I pee! You also pee hexagons? No, remember when I was cutting things in half? That was the last episode or something. No, I was with Wade.

00:32:36 Speaker_03
I was thinking the exact same thing. Just comes out as a hexagon.

00:32:40 Speaker_02
Watch, I can do a bunch- I can do a star.

00:32:44 Speaker_03
Mike like Gandalf with the blowing smoke ships, but it's my pee. Hey, you guys want to see a monkey that could dance? I gotta hop around a little. Guys want to see a whale come up and take a breath in its blowhole?

00:32:57 Speaker_03
It's two dimensional, but you'll see it. Don't you have to explain the solution to get a Nobel Prize, or do you just have to figure it out? I just explained it. It's soap and water, Bob. What didn't you get?

00:33:07 Speaker_03
Well, what was cooked on Saturn that made it need soap and water in it? That's the real deep question. I told you meat, beef, browned beef, browned beef. I browned a lot of beef. You never seen those space cows?

00:33:22 Speaker_03
Man, you need a whole plant to cook one of them. It's true. You laugh, but it's true. No one was laughing. No one was laughing. You don't laugh, but it's true. Oh, come on. That was funny. I don't know about this one.

00:33:37 Speaker_03
I don't know if this episode is salvageable. Mark, we have the answers. Don't worry. Let's keep delving. All right, let's delve a little deeper.

00:33:44 Speaker_00
Covered Elon and Al Gore so far.

00:33:45 Speaker_03
What do you think of at the next UN meeting where they prove Simpsons right once again, where a Russian representative pushed the button and flipped his sign from Russia back to Soviet Union? Do you remember that? That was crazy. I've seen that.

00:33:57 Speaker_00
I saw the one where Homer drank beer.

00:34:00 Speaker_03
What an episode. That was a great one.

00:34:03 Speaker_02
It's been like 20 years since I've seen a Simpsons episode. What kind of beer was it, man? Oh, duff.

00:34:09 Speaker_03
Whoa!

00:34:10 Speaker_03
Have you seen the image of the, there's a flash forward episode where Lisa becomes president and she's wearing an exact outfit down to like the jewelry and everything that looks like a, there's a picture of Kamala wearing the exact same purple blazer.

00:34:24 Speaker_00
Well, clearly she saw the episode and then was like, well, I got to dress up like this.

00:34:27 Speaker_03
Dude, what if people are doing that? Trying to make the Simpsons things come true. Like what if Trump saw the Simpsons episode and was like, oh yeah. They go to the debate and they're wearing the same Lisa Simpson outfit.

00:34:39 Speaker_03
Dude, I built a golden escalator. Why is, why would that not be perfect for such an announcement? You remember how many debates they do after the election? I can't wait for those. Well, it's easy to debate when it's, you know, it's lower stakes.

00:34:50 Speaker_03
Everyone's in when it doesn't really matter. I, you know, honestly, truly, I don't think that that wouldn't happen because I could see some kind of, you know, person on staff that would look at that and be like, hey, someone will make this connection.

00:35:04 Speaker_03
It'll get traction. Someone will share it and it will gain traction and people will make the comparison. People will be talking about it and then people are talking about you and then that'll help promote the message.

00:35:14 Speaker_03
Because everyone knows it's a meme, like Simpsons predicting it. But it's like, you know, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at some point because people want it to happen. You know what I mean? So are you working on breeding a spider and pig?

00:35:26 Speaker_03
It was just a regular pig, wasn't it? It was a regular pig in a Spider-Man outfit. But it was on the ceiling. Homer was holding it like that.

00:35:33 Speaker_00
I don't know.

00:35:34 Speaker_03
If you look up a picture, I will Photoshop out Homer and make him right. I will make him right. Just like everything that we're saying right now, these predictions, they will be made right.

00:35:43 Speaker_03
Does Spider Pig make his webs internally like Tobey Maguire, or is he more like an Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland, where he has to have web shooters, where he mixes them up and it's like a thing attached to his wrist?

00:35:55 Speaker_00
I feel like hooves make it tough to use beakers to make the web solution. So it's probably got to be real internal.

00:36:03 Speaker_03
This is going to be a real test here, guys. I'm about to put a question forward to you guys. This is related to what we were just talking about about pigs. Why bacon? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Finish your question.

00:36:14 Speaker_03
Why do I and I'm going to assume and hope that you guys well, I don't know if I should hope that you guys know this. Why do I know that pigs have 30 minute orgasms?

00:36:25 Speaker_03
And why do you guys also know that you saw that episode of Black Mirror where the guy fucked one? I forgot about that. I've only seen like two episodes of Black Mirror, and I think that was one of them.

00:36:37 Speaker_00
Me too, I couldn't. I got it by Phil.

00:36:39 Speaker_03
I haven't seen any! What is that show about? I thought it was about cell phones! I haven't seen any! I thought it was about scary cell phones! Oh, sorry, spoiler! Man, the Choose Your Own Adventure Blackberry episode is real funky.

00:36:54 Speaker_03
Did you get the pig in me? Did you fuck the pig? Or did you go to Antarctica? I couldn't decide! I still haven't- I paused it! I- I just- I was- I was really- because the web shooter thing made me think of that, and I'm like, why do I know that?

00:37:09 Speaker_03
I'm gonna be honest, that sounds like a fact that I would know. I've never heard that before. Was it just female pigs that have 30 minutes? I hope the male doesn't. He's going to be dehydrated. He's going to need IV fluids if he's going for 30 minutes.

00:37:23 Speaker_00
It's got to be probably both, because I think it's only cows that go to In-N-Out. The pigs, they last long. That was a bad beef joke.

00:37:32 Speaker_03
Yes! Insert Shia LaBeouf clapping in the auditorium meme.

00:37:36 Speaker_00
You know, it was funny in my head, then the moment it started to come out of my mouth, I was like, it's not funny, don't, too late.

00:37:41 Speaker_03
I'm giving you a standing ovation point, but I didn't, sitting ovation. Sitting ovation, you get the sitting ovation. Standing desk ovation. So, the conclusion is, web shooters for pigs, um, internal, I guess.

00:37:53 Speaker_00
Um, I don't know, I didn't know that fact about pigs, and I don't know why you know that, and I think that's weird.

00:37:57 Speaker_03
Yeah, where'd you learn that, bud? I'm trying to understand where I would have learned it. Is it true? Is it even true? I don't want to Google this. No, you're just trying to trick us into Googling things. I see what happened.

00:38:08 Speaker_03
Why did autocorrect want to make it to pigs have 30 minute oranges? It's really unfortunate that the thing I Googled right before this was where can I find some pigs?

00:38:16 Speaker_00
Yes, a domestic pig's orgasm can last an average of 30 minutes, but it can be as long as 90 minutes. 90! This makes the pig the mammal with the longest orgasm.

00:38:26 Speaker_03
Why? Damn. Who's got that kind of time? I mean, pigs don't have anything going on. What, do they gotta get back to rooting around in the dirt? I just feel like, wouldn't that expose you to threats? Well, these are domesticated pigs.

00:38:40 Speaker_03
Maybe they're not incapacitated. Maybe that's a walking around orgasm.

00:38:44 Speaker_00
A walking around orgasm? Can you imagine trying to have like a conversation afterward? Like, that was great, but you have to wait 90 minutes and then stop screaming.

00:38:59 Speaker_03
The kids are at the petting zoo and in the distance you just hear a pig fucking squealing its head off and the farmers like oh Just ignore her Bessie's kind of a slut. Let's go look at the goats 90 minutes later. All right, who wants to pet a pig? No!

00:39:17 Speaker_02
Betsy have a cigarette.

00:39:18 Speaker_03
And you didn't confirm whether it was just the females have 90 minute orgasms or if the males and if pigs are also the species where the male dies immediately after mating. I didn't suspect it, but it's probable.

00:39:29 Speaker_03
The female pigs actually consume the male pigs. That's how you get guanciales. You know, this scene is a scary movie. The sex scene.

00:39:36 Speaker_00
Yes. The one with the bats and the mowing? The bats? Oh, the bats!

00:39:42 Speaker_03
I forgot about the bats! Yeah, and the hedge trimmers.

00:39:45 Speaker_03
But it's like in that scene, they did this, I'm sure, I haven't looked up the scene in a bit, but I'm sure incredible VFX of the guy, just like all of his muscles, just like, and like he just turns into like a skeleton right then and there.

00:39:58 Speaker_03
I imagine that's what happens to the pig. I want to expunge this episode from the roster. I like it. I think we're having fun. Good thing this timeline got obliterated. I realize now it happened because I, I expunged the universe that we're currently in.

00:40:12 Speaker_03
Does that mean if the, whenever this episode ends that we're gone? We're gone. Yeah. Well, I feel like we should stretch it out a little bit. Let's watch a full length video of a pig orgasm and see what that looks like.

00:40:24 Speaker_00
Apparently boars, not pigs, domesticated pigs here, but boars, the male boars, take five to eight minutes to ejaculate, to complete their ejaculation. It's measured in minutes, not seconds.

00:40:34 Speaker_03
Oh man, isn't that average? Yeah. Why did you grimace? What are you imagining in there? You were like, isn't that average? And Wade was like, yeah.

00:40:46 Speaker_00
I'm just thinking that's a big mess. That's a lot of mess.

00:40:49 Speaker_03
If you're spraying and praying for minutes, that's a hell of a cleanup. I've had long, long trips to the bathroom that have been shorter than that. I've had long ejaculations.

00:41:01 Speaker_03
Listen, we're all in the midst of, I believe, when this episode is coming out. It's still no, not November. It's right towards the end.

00:41:07 Speaker_02
This is the election episode. I've looked up pig ejaculation three times! Why specifically that term? Why that term? Dude, I found the 30 minutes, I was like, alright, we gotta dive deeper.

00:41:28 Speaker_03
We gotta ask ChatGBT this, that's really who we gotta ask. Oh no, I'll get my ChatGBT account, don't worry, I'm working on it.

00:41:39 Speaker_02
What were you saying about No Nut November? We failed? We just passed?

00:41:42 Speaker_03
How are you guys doing? Are you holding strong? I'm about to have a three hour December if you know what I mean. The shortest December. It's gonna be over for you after three hours. The clock strikes midnight. We're gonna paint the town white.

00:41:56 Speaker_03
I love that poem. My favorite one. Say the rest.

00:42:00 Speaker_02
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm coming. I'll get back to you.

00:42:07 Speaker_03
All right. I'm going to give you points so you can stop.

00:42:10 Speaker_00
All right.

00:42:11 Speaker_03
I'll take it. You get the stop point.

00:42:12 Speaker_00
Man, this is really an episode that I'm going to regret having said when my family members and in-laws and friends.

00:42:19 Speaker_03
Don't worry. This timeline is expunged. We don't exist anymore.

00:42:24 Speaker_00
Can we not air this till after the holidays so that way I don't have to address family face to face?

00:42:28 Speaker_03
I hope this is the one they put on for everyone to listen to. My cousin is such a good. It's just like the Black Friday episode. Everyone's off work for the holiday in America.

00:42:39 Speaker_03
You have Thanksgiving, they wake up and they're like, all right, we got Friday off. Let's go shop and listen to my favorite podcast.

00:42:46 Speaker_02
I have so many regrets about this episode, man.

00:42:49 Speaker_03
We get that Walmart deal and they play it over the speaker.

00:42:53 Speaker_02
Attention Walmart shoppers, pig ejaculation lasts 30 minutes.

00:42:57 Speaker_03
You remember during the cringe episode we talked about play it on the whole house so the family can listen? This is a new one of those episodes.

00:43:05 Speaker_02
This will be part of the cringe episode if that were to happen.

00:43:09 Speaker_03
No, this isn't cringe, this is informative. I'm informed. That is interesting. I didn't know that. I still want to know why exactly you knew that? Yeah, I don't know why I know that. Let's flip this back on Mark. This is your knowledge.

00:43:23 Speaker_03
But my other question is, is that the record? For mammals, it seems to be. I've googled enough. One of you two search that one, man. For anything. For anything? My search said mammals, which could imply there's some kind of bacteria out there.

00:43:38 Speaker_03
That is broken. No, there are birds also. There's other species besides mammals that do the sex. forgot about the fish and the birds? Insects? Alright, I think it depends.

00:43:49 Speaker_03
I think it depends on how exactly you define it, because what I'm seeing is octopi can take up to four hours to transfer the sperm from the male to the female, but it's not a four hour orgasm.

00:44:04 Speaker_02
It's not four hours of... Dude, with eight legs? Think about the foot rub and back massage you have to give to convince the octopi. Anyway.

00:44:16 Speaker_03
No, we're not segwaying out of this one. We're staying on this topic. So, Al Gore. We're giving people the election coverage they deserve. Apparently, rattlesnakes have been recorded 23 hours and 15 minutes.

00:44:30 Speaker_03
But again, that's not like an orgasm the whole time. That's more like.

00:44:34 Speaker_00
Yeah, they also take three days to swallow.

00:44:36 Speaker_01
This is great.

00:44:43 Speaker_03
This is great, man.

00:44:44 Speaker_02
How was your election?

00:44:47 Speaker_03
Hey, your head's the same color as your shirt. That's impressive.

00:44:50 Speaker_02
We need to come up with a term, like the opposite of Hawktua. What's the swallow noise that we can coin?

00:44:55 Speaker_03
If you can figure it out, you get a podcast deal. Gulp.

00:45:02 Speaker_02
He did it! He figured it out!

00:45:03 Speaker_03
He got the swallow noise! It's like discovering the Higgs boson. It does exist! Hwagulp. Take away everything you ever had. Okay. Delete him. Okay, um, so this has been quite an election.

00:45:17 Speaker_03
We have all voted we've done our civil duty and this has been a time did not expect dark Brandon to rip open the fabric of reality a top Capitol Hill. Aliens visiting finally was really underwhelming, thought it would be more exciting.

00:45:40 Speaker_03
And then, you know, the the predicted false vacuum collapse that is rapidly approaching us at light speed is going to be really, really, really interesting. And yes, we we we Is that why the piggy went weeweewee all the way home? It sure is, Bob.

00:46:01 Speaker_03
It sure is.

00:46:02 Speaker_00
Man, that rhyme goes a different way whenever you think of it.

00:46:06 Speaker_03
Did you know? Oh, well, this is dark. Like there's kids listening to this. At what age did we all discover and or realize that the piggies that went to the market were not just going for a nice shopping trip?

00:46:20 Speaker_00
Now?

00:46:20 Speaker_03
What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, I just put it out there. Why would a piggy go to market to buy food? Uh-huh. No, they get food from the farmer. And I'm pretty sure the farmer is the one who brought them to the market.

00:46:36 Speaker_03
And I just think all the way through why exactly a farmer might bring a pig with them. OK, this little piggy went to market. Uh-huh. But this little piggy stayed home. Sure. The lucky one.

00:46:49 Speaker_03
But where did the third pig go if it's going wee wee wee all the way home? That's the market pig, right? Didn't the third little piggy like eat Wheaties or something? I'm not going to lie. I had never thought that deeply about it.

00:47:01 Speaker_03
And this is the first time I realized now that you're saying it, that that that piggy did go to market for reasons that I did not. The rhyme should go this. The first little piggy was slaughtered. The second little piggy was spared.

00:47:16 Speaker_03
Just a third little piggy killed and ate a cow because he was left alone on the farm. And the fourth little piggy had an orgasm for 49 minutes. That's a weird rhyme, man. It's all part of that book. All right, cool. I'm going to wrap it up here.

00:47:33 Speaker_01
I thought that was the title.

00:47:35 Speaker_03
It's all part of that kid's book. All right, cool. So this is the farm. All right, here's the deal. I love that book. Betsy's kind of a slut.

00:47:43 Speaker_02
It was more than likely butchered and sold off to a market. That's my toe. My big toe is the little piggy that went to market.

00:47:51 Speaker_03
All right. You want to know the standings? Yes. Say Wade first. Don't make me feel better. He got a point for shit bird. He got a point for it's a cat, dude. It's still funny.

00:48:03 Speaker_02
I don't remember that one.

00:48:04 Speaker_03
A point for don't laugh, I don't know why I wrote that, but it was either to tell you to stop laughing, or don't laugh in a certain way. I don't know, don't laugh. I gave you a sitting ovation point. Just one, even though I did it twice.

00:48:15 Speaker_03
I gave you the stop point, and then three days to swallow. Which, in my head, reads a lot like you have seven days to die.

00:48:20 Speaker_02
The porn parody of The Ring. The porn parody! Set three days to swallow.

00:48:28 Speaker_03
You're gonna swallow in three days. I'm not gonna lie, Bob. I probably should have wrote down a lot more points for you because you had quite a few zingers. But I've got a concerning bunny, which still, I still don't know why the bunny is so concerning.

00:48:40 Speaker_03
It's concerning. I gave you the baked beans points because that's burned the jokes there. Like I said, I probably should have wrote some more bangers from there. You know, that stuff, but you know, that entire bit, I get credit for that.

00:48:53 Speaker_03
Bungus, the penguin, he got a point for that same Bush, different gore. And then Betsy's kind of a slut. That was the last point I earned! That was a while ago! Well, I know, yeah, but I mean, that's what I mean.

00:49:03 Speaker_03
I probably should've wrote down more, but I didn't.

00:49:04 Speaker_00
I think I should've had some more. I had some great zingers in there.

00:49:07 Speaker_03
Alright, then you both are underwhelmed, but Wade, you got six, Bob, you got five. Damn.

00:49:11 Speaker_00
I'm happy with my points!

00:49:16 Speaker_03
That's shocking to me. I can't believe it that you're suddenly happy with what's happening here. I honestly think I probably should have given Bob a lot more points.

00:49:24 Speaker_00
Well, thank God we don't have a way to challenge for that. I'm going to give my winner's speech, right?

00:49:29 Speaker_03
I'm going to be 100% honest. I know that I can throw the red challenge flag. I don't remember what that triggers. A vote. A vote in the subreddit? But don't I have to challenge a specific point?

00:49:40 Speaker_03
What do I just be like, I challenge that I get four more points.

00:49:44 Speaker_00
If you guys ever think that I paid attention to any of these rules, you got another thing coming.

00:49:48 Speaker_03
I think you can just present your argument if you want to say that on the subreddit, you can, but they have to vote, you know, yes or no.

00:49:54 Speaker_03
Fitting for election night to have a vote, but they will be very confused as to the contents of the episode that they are voting for. So in this episode, we talked about how long pigs can orgasm a lot. It's the election night episode, by the way.

00:50:09 Speaker_02
Bob demands a recount on Election Tuesday for an episode that comes out in three weeks.

00:50:14 Speaker_03
So, uh, there you have it. Whatever you have, there you have it. Wade, congratulations. What's your speech? That's it. He got it. He's got the gulp to uh, he'll be uh, premiering his new podcast gulp gulp today, uh, starring Wade.

00:50:29 Speaker_03
Gulp to uh, I hardly know uh. All right, Bob, loser speech. Hey, your head's the same color as your shirt again. It is, it is. That's really impressive. Is that why you wear shirts that color so much?

00:50:41 Speaker_02
So I can be a disguise. I'm hiding in plain sight.

00:50:45 Speaker_03
I think we all know that I didn't lose today, but also, honestly, I just don't care enough to throw the red flag. I'm done with the subreddit. I don't go in there. I don't talk to them anymore. They burnt this bridge and they know what they did.

00:51:00 Speaker_03
So I don't want to force myself to have to go do anything there for any reason. So for that reason, I do not challenge this obvious injustice. And if anyone feels badly that I should have won and I didn't, it's the subreddit's fault.

00:51:14 Speaker_00
You do got to be careful over there. You better not complain too much. They'll get you.

00:51:17 Speaker_03
You better not say anything. You stick your head up, they'll bite it off.

00:51:20 Speaker_00
They're like a praying mantis. They'll fuck you, then they'll eat you. Can you imagine if a pig bit off another pig's head after orgasming?

00:51:25 Speaker_03
It'd be pretty metal. Would you rather have, let's not say 90, let's say 30, 30 minute orgasms or Or no change. I guess. Or negative 30-minute orgasms.

00:51:38 Speaker_02
Expound.

00:51:39 Speaker_03
Answer the question! I don't think I want a 30-minute orgasm, but I definitely don't want whatever an inverse orgasm is. I don't want that. You hoover up everyone else's orgasm in a vicinity around you.

00:51:52 Speaker_02
We would all be like Spongebob when he had the anchor arms just like walking around. Our little legs are never gonna touch the ground again.

00:52:04 Speaker_03
Oh God, no. Yeah, I guess I've taken the 30-minute orgasm on that one. All right. He's got the 30-minute orgasm That means Wade gets the other one. Ah, you gotta hoover up everyone's orgasm for 30 minutes. Go! Oh, it's not going in there. Oh

00:52:27 Speaker_03
Alright, well thank you everybody for listening to this horrible episode. Uh, all of our sponsors have left. Um, our podcast is in shambles, but this is why I am deleting us from reality.

00:52:35 Speaker_03
This is a containerized version of ourselves that, uh, never- technically never existed and never will exist. It's a reality completely separate from yours.

00:52:45 Speaker_03
It's literally horrible universal death on a galactic scale of which we cannot possibly imagine. Um, all life in this universe is now going to cease to exist in an instant blink of an eye. It could happen to you, but it's not.

00:52:57 Speaker_03
right now, I only regret not being able to release Iron Lung in this universe. It was going to be way better than the one in yours.

00:53:05 Speaker_00
It was really good. Well, I saw an old version, but it was very good. Can this be our time capsule episode if we ever bury an episode in the dirt for future generations to find? Can it be this episode?

00:53:14 Speaker_03
We're gonna etch this into a titanium record and send it into space so the aliens will know what they're dealing with. 30-minute orgasms, we gotta go.

00:53:22 Speaker_03
The Beatles, Blackbird, George Bush's speech from the deck of the aircraft carrier, mission accomplished, and this podcast episode. Aliens will know not to fuck with us. All right.

00:53:35 Speaker_03
Thank you foosball fuckers in your timeline for more much better episodes than this and we have been Markiplier my skirm and Lord minion 888 Check it out.

00:53:49 Speaker_03
That was the only difference between the universes literally the only difference podcast out least I'm not 9 to 7 8 9