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Episode: Self Confidence

Author: Michelle Chestovich MD
Duration: 00:17:42

Episode Shownotes

Physician coach Michelle Chestovich MD shares how to create more of this desirable emotion and how it helps you get what you truly want in life.

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Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_00
You are listening to Episode 158 of the Remind Yourself Podcast. Welcome to the Remind Yourself Podcast, the podcast for physician moms just like you who want to ditch mom guilt, stop yelling, and start enjoying their lives today.

00:00:22 Speaker_00
I'm your host, Michelle Chestovich, certified life coach, family physician, and mom of four. If you want to overcome overwhelm for once and for all, this is the place for you. Hello, Mama Docs, and welcome back.

00:00:40 Speaker_00
I know that you are going to absolutely love this episode because I hear all of you talking about that you want more of this. So today I am going to share with you how to create more of this. And what is this, might you ask?

00:00:58 Speaker_00
This is an emotion that many of us desire more of, and it is the emotion of self-confidence. I speak to so many amazing physician women who feel less than confident and they want more confidence. How can I get more confidence?

00:01:17 Speaker_00
And what I will tell you is that you don't need to get an additional degree, you don't need to wait 15 more years, and you certainly don't need to drive to Target to try to find where they're selling self-confidence on the shelf.

00:01:31 Speaker_00
It is something that comes from within. And good news, it's not something that you're genetically born with. You're not either born with it or you don't have it. This is something that you can learn to cultivate.

00:01:44 Speaker_00
And why do we want more confidence in our life? I think it's because we have this sense of self-assuredness. and certainty and security in our life when we feel confident.

00:01:57 Speaker_00
What I will tell you is that for most of us, confidence comes from doing something over and over and becoming practiced at it, becoming good at it. We become confident in a particular skill, for instance.

00:02:12 Speaker_00
But what helps us gain the confidence of, I can do this, I'm good at this, is self-confidence. Now, what's the difference between self-confidence and confidence?

00:02:24 Speaker_00
Confidence is something that you have that, again, makes you feel assured, I'm doing a good job. And for those of us, for example, practicing medicine, there is some amount of time and practice that that takes, right?

00:02:39 Speaker_00
We have all of our years of medical school, our residency training, perhaps fellowship, that helps us gain the confidence of, I know what I'm doing.

00:02:47 Speaker_00
Yes, but what really we want more of, so like confidence is great and it feels wonderful, but what will help you more quickly gain confidence is something that I call self-confidence.

00:03:02 Speaker_00
Self-confidence we can muster up today, even if we don't have years of practice under our belt. And self-confidence allows us to take the steps forward to gain the practice. Right?

00:03:17 Speaker_00
I don't want to confuse you, but so many people say, I'll do X, Y, or Z. Perhaps I will speak on stage when I feel more confident. Well, how are you going to gain the confidence if you don't ever want to step on stage to practice?

00:03:30 Speaker_00
This, my friends, is where self-confidence comes in. And I think, in my mind, self-confidence is the most amazing of skills and emotions. And it's something that you can start today. And why does self-confidence serve us so well?

00:03:49 Speaker_00
It's because you learn to like yourself and have your own back no matter what.

00:03:57 Speaker_00
Self-confidence is allowing the reality of maybe I don't know how to do everything yet, but I know that I can try it and handle whatever emotion comes my way, whether it be embarrassment, a feeling of failure or learning.

00:04:14 Speaker_00
Overall, it is a growth mindset that allows us to try and practice and And gain the skills to then be confident, right? Growth mindset says, I can figure this out and of course I'll goof up and then I'll try again.

00:04:32 Speaker_00
That, my friends, is what you can tell yourself day after day. And that creates a feeling of self-confidence. I can figure this out. Of course I'll goof up and I'll try again.

00:04:46 Speaker_00
You don't make it mean something about you and your ability as a human if you flub up, if you learn along the way. Because goodness gracious, we are humans and it takes practice to learn things.

00:05:00 Speaker_00
Yet many of us high achievers, if we don't nail it right away, then we think that there's something wrong with us. Or if it's taking us longer than we think, we create a big story.

00:05:11 Speaker_00
And then we start to fall back on, wow, I just wish I had more confidence. Then I could go out and do the big thing. My friends, doing the big thing starts with self-confidence, right?

00:05:25 Speaker_00
When you have, which many of us have, when we grew up, you either got it right or wrong. It's what we call a fixed mindset. We make a mistake and then we think to ourself, I'm not good at this.

00:05:38 Speaker_00
And when that is the overall thought, then of course you don't want to try something new versus stepping into that growth mindset of I can figure this out. Now, lucky for our children, I think many kids are now learning this in school.

00:05:52 Speaker_00
I certainly did not learn this. I had no idea what a growth versus fixed mindset was. And yet it makes a really big difference. Self-confident people rely on a growth mindset. I can figure this out and I'm going to have my back no matter what.

00:06:11 Speaker_00
We don't create a feeling of learning or failing to be a character flaw, which is what we do when we're in that fixed mindset. So again, I love to let you know that self-confidence is actually what creates confidence.

00:06:28 Speaker_00
When we can believe in our capability to learn something and become better at it, We're more apt to try and we're more apt to be kind and gentle with ourself when we're learning along the way.

00:06:42 Speaker_00
You start to take action and do things and you fail and you learn and you grow. Right? That is self-confidence. I know we all have that person in our life. You're like, wow, they're so confident. They have such confidence. They do all of the things.

00:06:58 Speaker_00
And what I will tell you is that it's most likely a very self-confident person and they think this is my life and I'm going to try a bunch of things because it sounds fun to me or I want to get better at it, even if it's going to take some practice and flubbing up along the way.

00:07:15 Speaker_00
That is self-confidence and it is so desirable. We admire people who are willing to put themselves out there. And the only thing that's holding you back is fearing an emotion.

00:07:29 Speaker_00
Fearing an emotion of embarrassment, like I'm not good enough or I'm a failure. Those sorts of thoughts that come up create an emotion in your body that doesn't feel great.

00:07:41 Speaker_00
But when you're self-confident, you just realize like, oh, okay, so I had a thought and now I have this uncomfortable feeling in my body. No big deal.

00:07:48 Speaker_00
I'm not going to make a huge story about it that I'm a horrible person and I'm no good and I'm never going to figure it out. I'm going to remind myself the growth mindset concept of I always figure things out.

00:08:00 Speaker_00
I'm going to keep going and trying until I get there. That is self-confidence and it is available for you today. Oftentimes we come out in practice. And we think, I want to be five years ahead. We often do this, right? We skip ahead.

00:08:15 Speaker_00
I want to just gain the confidence of being an attending who's been practicing for five years. Here's what I'll tell you. I work with people who've been working for five years, 10 years.

00:08:26 Speaker_00
They're the chairs of their department, perhaps, and they may still be seeking the confidence that they desire. So it can begin today. It's not a matter of time.

00:08:37 Speaker_00
And in fact, when you remind yourself that self-confidence is actually what gets you the confidence, why not start today? I can try this. I'm going to have my own back. I'm going to keep working at it until I figure it out.

00:08:53 Speaker_00
That creates an emotion of self-confidence, which makes you give it the best college try. And then you don't make a big deal if you don't nail it the first time. Now, I know many of you mamas are really good at talking about this to your children.

00:09:06 Speaker_00
They come to you and they're all upset. I remember my son would be like, oh my God, I didn't do X, Y, or Z. And I would say, you know what? It takes practice. Joe Maurer, who's going to be in the Hall of Fame soon, and a Minnesota twin baseball player.

00:09:22 Speaker_00
And I said, you know, Joe Maurer, who's a Minnesota native, who my son, who is a baseball player, really looked up to, I said, he didn't hit a home run the first time. He went up to bat. He practiced over and over and over again.

00:09:36 Speaker_00
And he thought to himself, I want to figure this out. This is fun. I'm not going to make it mean something. Ladies and gentlemen, we all can choose to do this. It creates a feeling of self-confidence. It changes your whole self-concept.

00:09:52 Speaker_00
If you could grab one emotion off a shelf and pay for it at the store, this is definitely one that I would put in your basket for the Express Checkout. Self-confidence gives you the ability to achieve anything that you want.

00:10:08 Speaker_00
Now, it might not happen overnight. It might not happen next year. But when you have self-confidence, you're willing to try things. You're willing to fail. You're willing to learn. Maybe you're going to knock it out of the park the first time.

00:10:22 Speaker_00
That's great. But you don't make it mean something about you if you don't. What if every day you would remind yourself, I believe in my ability, no matter how long it takes or how many times I need to fail or what I need to learn.

00:10:38 Speaker_00
That, my friends, is the core of self-confidence. So many of us were taught that failure was unacceptable, right? Like even for us, a low A was considered a failure.

00:10:49 Speaker_00
And it really, maybe it served us to like get into medical school and learn all the tough things. But in our life, I think it really holds us back. Failure, my friends, is the way to success.

00:10:59 Speaker_00
It allows you to see something in your life, maybe outside of medicine, maybe within, and you think, wow, that sounds interesting. I'm going to go for it. And your fear of not nailing it right away doesn't hold you back.

00:11:11 Speaker_00
Because when you foster this feeling of self-confidence, you're like, I'm going to get after it. I want to be the chair of my department. So I'm going to do what I need to do in order to make that happen. I do want to speak at conferences.

00:11:24 Speaker_00
And even though I'm scared of public speaking at this point, I know I can have my own back. And so I'm going to take the first step to learn some things to get me there. Maybe you want to take up a new sport. Pick a ball. That's all the rage.

00:11:37 Speaker_00
Haven't tried that yet. But you, again, a feeling of self-confidence. I'm going to give this a try. I'm going to have some fun. And I'm not going to make it mean something about me if I fail. Are you hearing a pattern here? Right?

00:11:50 Speaker_00
Self-confident people have their own back. And it is available for you today by reminding yourself that you can handle what's to come. And again, my brain, kind of a worst case scenario brain, I have anticipatory worry, all of the things, right?

00:12:06 Speaker_00
I have a very human brain that's just prone to anxiety and worry. And so I almost just like anticipate like, yeah, there's going to be some failures along the way. So what? I'm going to keep going. Right? So this is really, really fun.

00:12:21 Speaker_00
It is a skill that you can work on, just like you practice your skill when you were first in school, you practice the skill of doing an HMP. If you do procedures, you have to practice that skill over and over again.

00:12:34 Speaker_00
So many of us delay confidence because we think it comes from something external to us. I'll be confident when X, Y, or Z. Maybe when I have more practice, when I've nailed that backflip many times.

00:12:49 Speaker_00
But how are we going to learn to nail the backflip many times? You have to start with self-confidence. I'm going to try it and I'm going to keep going. So you don't need to delay your confidence any longer.

00:13:01 Speaker_00
When we delay the confidence, we actually are indulging in self-doubt. Now, you've heard me say before, we can't stop thoughts from coming, but we don't need to indulge in them and spin in them over and over again.

00:13:12 Speaker_00
When you have a feeling of doubt that comes up when you're seeing a patient, oh my God, I wish I knew this. I should know this by now. If only I understood it all. Then we feel confused and we have a lot of self-doubt and we spin in this.

00:13:26 Speaker_00
And then we just think about confidence. Oh, wouldn't that be great if I was just confident. No, you need to create it. You need to get after it. Self-doubt will come up, but we don't need to indulge in it. We can just point it out.

00:13:39 Speaker_00
Ah, there's self-doubt again. Yep, I'm a human. This happens, right? Because we often think that it's safer to stay stuck in this, I don't know, maybe in this many years or this many patients that I see, then I'll become confident.

00:13:56 Speaker_00
What's really interesting is if you find that that sounds familiar to you, ask yourself this question. I love asking this to my clients. Like, at what point is your brain going to tell you, bingo, I feel confident.

00:14:07 Speaker_00
Unless you decide that you're going to just keep trying until you figure it out. And all of a sudden you just land in this place of confidence. It's not really going to happen because there will always be more to learn.

00:14:17 Speaker_00
There will always be somebody better. So you just need to decide, Hey, I am going to have my own back. I'm going to do this. Think about an area of your life where you do feel naturally confident.

00:14:28 Speaker_00
When I learned this strategy, I remember my mentor saying to me, like, hey, we all feel pretty confident pouring a glass of water, right? And yeah, we've done it again and again, and it's pretty easy for most of us.

00:14:42 Speaker_00
So we think to ourself, I can do this. What if you took that thought and just transferred it to something that you're trying to build your confidence? I can do this. I'm going to keep working at it, right? That may give you that feeling of confidence.

00:14:57 Speaker_00
Because here's the other thing. What if you're pouring yourself a glass of water and you spill? You're just like, oh, shoot. Oops. And then you wipe it up. You don't think to yourself and create this big story. Oh my gosh, I'm so horrible.

00:15:09 Speaker_00
I don't know what I'm doing. I have to start all over again. No, because you have this feeling of confidence, I totally know how to do this.

00:15:16 Speaker_00
So for example, for you, if you want more confidence in the area of seeing your patients, making a decision and having your own back, you can just remind yourself, I do know how to take care of patients. I do know how to come up with a differential.

00:15:30 Speaker_00
I know how to help people. Even if I don't know exactly what's going on, I know the next step. What if you reminded yourself of that every day? I know the next step. That can help build that confidence.

00:15:45 Speaker_00
And meanwhile, the self-confidence is, I'm always learning, I'm always growing, and I'm not gonna stop. I'm going to keep working at it until I gain that sense of confidence. Okay, my friends, I think this is such an amazing topic.

00:16:01 Speaker_00
Self-confidence is fuel for you to gain confidence. And it is available for you today. Get after it. Start practicing telling yourself, Hey, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to have my own back. That is so valuable.

00:16:19 Speaker_00
Self-confidence is where it's at, my friend. It's actually what is going to get you to the place of confidence. The final thing that I will tell you is that this is not arrogance. None of this has to do with arrogance.

00:16:31 Speaker_00
Sometimes people think, oh, confidence, you just have a big head. No, that's arrogance. Arrogance is thinking I'm better than everyone else. Confidence is thinking I'm good at what I do. And it has nothing to do with anyone else.

00:16:43 Speaker_00
It doesn't mean I'm better than anybody else. And self-confidence is just that self-assuredness as I'm willing to give things a try. And no matter what, whether I win or I fail, I'm going to have my own back and be kind to myself about it.

00:16:56 Speaker_00
It is going to help you start to take some challenges, start to do some new things that sound really amazing to you, but you're a little bit scared and you're holding back.

00:17:06 Speaker_00
You can create the self-confidence to get after anything it is that you desire in your life. OK, my friends, I'm excited to hear how this goes for you. And until next week, peace and love to all of you.

00:17:18 Speaker_00
Are you ready to take control of your life and put these tools into action? I'm here to help. I offer free consultations for physician moms to see if my one-on-one coaching package is right for you.

00:17:31 Speaker_00
You can sign up for a free consult at www.MamaDocLifeCoach.com.