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Episode: Sawbones Classic Double-Feature: A Medicine Called Christmas 1 & 2

Author: Justin McElroy, Dr. Sydnee McElroy
Duration: 01:11:43

Episode Shownotes

Happy Candlenights! We've got for you a double-feature of the original A Medicine Called Christmas 1 and 2.Medicine Called Christmas: Live from Candlenights 2018, we're so proud to present a staged reading of the new Hallmark Christmas movie written by Justin and Sydnee McElroy: A Medicine Called Christmas. Music: Adam

Sakiyama CAST: Narrator: Rachel McElroy Daniel: Tommy Smirl Tabitha: Sydnee McElroy Phil: Griffin McElroy Chris: Justin McElroy Ms. Crimble: Teresa McElroy Mr. Frankson: Dwight Slappe Mr. Cameron: Travis McElroy Beth: Teylor Smirl Mandy: Rileigh Smirl Mr. Golfberg: Michael Meadows Santa: Clint McElroy Medicine Called Christmas 2: Royal Pain: Just in time for Christmas, we've got another extremely special holiday film created by Justin and Sydnee McElroy. Gather the family and prepare for A Medicine Called Christmas 2: A Royal Pain. NARRATOR: Rachel McElroy PHIL: Griffin McElroy TAB: Sydnee McElroy JESUS: Dwight Slappe SORIANO: Travis McElroy CHRIS: Justin McElroy WAITER: Michael Meadows MR. BIG CITY: Tommy Smirl BETH: Teylor Smirl MANDY: Rileigh Smirl QUEEN: Mary Smirl SANTA: Clint McElroy

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_05
Hello, everybody. Merry Candle Nights to you and yours. I just wanted to say hello. Christmas Eve, I guess, according to the clock on the wall. And I've got a very special holiday treat for you. It is a holiday reissue.

00:00:15 Speaker_05
You know how they put, it's a wonderful life back in theaters every year? Well, this is just like that. It is parts one and two of A Medicine Called Christmas. Sydney and my fantastical holiday sort of Hallmark parody deal

00:00:30 Speaker_05
We just did our latest iteration in the new Candlenights special. If you haven't watched it yet, you still can. Go to bit.ly forward slash Candlenights tickets 2024.

00:00:41 Speaker_05
This one is probably one of our wildest yet, but these first two, little more tame, but if you want to know where the story starts, this is how you do it. So happy holidays to you and yours. We love you. We'll see you next year. Bye.

00:00:59 Speaker_13
Hi. I'm Rachel McElroy. And I am pleased to be the narrator for this upcoming production.

00:01:14 Speaker_13
From the Hallmark Channel on Sawbones, a marital tour of Misguided Medicine, we're very proud to welcome you to the world premiere reading of a new original film for Candle Nights written by Justin and Sydney McElroy. A medicine called Christmas.

00:01:40 Speaker_13
And sit with me now in the candlelight.

00:01:46 Speaker_03
Yeah, this Christmas we're gonna do right. Hang some lights on the tree. Yeah, that's a Christmas to me. Put your arm around the fire.

00:02:07 Speaker_03
Yeah, I don't want anymore, no Yeah, you're calling me a liar But I'm gonna go out for a jog That's a Christmas to me You and me and her and a tree ♪ Learning about birds and the bees ♪ ♪ That took Christmas to me ♪ Interior.

00:02:46 Speaker_13
The medical office of the most prestigious doctor's office in all of New York, Daniel Big City Partners in Health. We find young business-minded doctor Tabitha Big City as she and her father Daniel discuss a new assignment for Tabitha.

00:03:02 Speaker_07
I'm sorry, Tabitha, there's just no way around it. This is the way it has to be.

00:03:08 Speaker_14
Explain to me one more time why I'm spending Christmas in the middle of nowhere instead of how I spend every holiday reading medical journals and watching C-SPAN on mute while I eat leftover Chinese food.

00:03:21 Speaker_07
For hundreds of years, the men and women physicians of the big city family have participated in a holiday doctor exchange program

00:03:31 Speaker_14
which as I've told you multiple times is- Is a real thing that exists and people do. Right? No, I heard that part.

00:03:41 Speaker_07
You're going to take your big city attitude and fancy medical degree to a place where you can learn about the true meaning of Christmas and help a few people along the way.

00:03:53 Speaker_07
In exchange, we'll be taking on their town doctor who will be teaching us how to be more folksy and approachable, I guess.

00:04:03 Speaker_14
Dad, I know everything I need to know about Cridenmont.

00:04:11 Speaker_07
Christmas, Tabitha. It's called Christmas.

00:04:15 Speaker_14
Right, Christmas, whatever, fine. What's the name of this quaint village you're banishing me to again?

00:04:22 Speaker_07
Well, the locals call it Poinsettia Point.

00:04:27 Speaker_14
Is that what it's really called?

00:04:29 Speaker_07
No, it's really called that. Now, have a good trip.

00:04:40 Speaker_13
Smash cut to the beautiful, picturesque town of Poinsettia Point. It looks like if Thomas Kinkade drew the North Pole while high on ecstasy. Holy crap, is it ever beautiful.

00:04:55 Speaker_13
Snow is everywhere and the houses look like they're made of candy and there are like three trains. Trains for days.

00:05:03 Speaker_13
We see the exteriors of local businesses, like Wiseau Family Wreath Shop, Garlands and more Garlands, even Charlie and Pat's Soda Fountain. Did I say Soda Fountain? I did. How quaint is that? Pretty quaint.

00:05:19 Speaker_13
Anyway, Tabitha Big City has just arrived in town and she's struggling to get her huge fancy suitcase up the stairs. It's probably full of issues of the New Yorker and fair trade coffee. You know how these city types are.

00:05:33 Speaker_13
Anyway, she's having a hard time getting it up the stairs until Phil Pibbles, proprietor of the Pibbles Bed and Breakfast, Rushes to her aid.

00:05:47 Speaker_02
Oh, hey, let me help with that Just missing a page no problem.

00:05:57 Speaker_14
It's okay. I've got it.

00:05:59 Speaker_13
I've got it Tabitha drops her suitcase down the stairs. I Don't got it

00:06:11 Speaker_02
Please, madam, allow me, here at the Chateau Pibbles. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul. Here at the Chateau Pibbles, we pride ourselves on providing only the highest level of service.

00:06:26 Speaker_14
Well, I appreciate it. I'll be sure to pass on my compliments to the Chateau Pibbles management.

00:06:32 Speaker_02
Oh, that's not the real name of it. It's really called the Pibbles Bed and Breakfast.

00:06:36 Speaker_14
Oh, I know.

00:06:37 Speaker_02
I was just kidding. Okay. Well, let me give you the rundown. Breakfast is served from 7 a.m. to 7.45. Now before that, we have caroling practice. It starts at 5.30 a.m. and Garland Tying Club at 6.15 and- Whoa, whoa.

00:06:55 Speaker_14
Let me stop you there, Phil. I'm not much of an early riser. I'm afraid the carolers will have to do without an extra alto.

00:07:04 Speaker_02
Well, that's not very festive of you, but- If you're willing to take your health into your hands like that, you're a grown woman.

00:07:13 Speaker_14
Well, um, funny you should say that. I'm actually a physician.

00:07:16 Speaker_02
Oh, you're the one filling in for Dr. C. Well, welcome. You got some mighty big boots to fill. He's really turned this whole town around.

00:07:25 Speaker_14
Well, I'll do my best. Say, you sure you don't need some help with that bag? You look like you're really struggling.

00:07:31 Speaker_02
Oh, not at all. I'm just moving a little slower thanks to the near-debilitating arthritis in my hands and arms and also legs. Oh, God. Yeah, those know-it-all eggheads in the city called it super arthritis.

00:07:48 Speaker_02
Back when I was still listening to what they had to say.

00:07:52 Speaker_14
Well, please, stop by the clinic tomorrow. I'm sure there's something we can do to help.

00:07:56 Speaker_02
Oh, that won't be necessary, Doctor.

00:07:59 Speaker_14
Big City. Tabitha Big City. Yeah, that sounds about right.

00:08:04 Speaker_02
Christmas is just around the corner, so I don't think the arthritis is gonna be an issue for me much longer.

00:08:09 Speaker_02
Uh, I don't see what that has to do- Listen, why don't you go in and get settled, I'll take the bag up to your room, then lie perfectly still on the floor for three hours and sup silently to myself on account of the super arthritis, then I'll finish getting you checked in.

00:08:22 Speaker_02
Did you leave your wreath in the cab or what?

00:08:26 Speaker_14
My wreath?

00:08:27 Speaker_02
Left it at home, huh? I don't blame you. I try not to carry anything over 18 ounces if I can avoid it. I'll have Mrs. P send up a few options and you can choose one for your door.

00:08:38 Speaker_14
Thanks.

00:08:45 Speaker_13
Exterior. The next morning at the Poinsettia Point Family Clinic, a man, incredibly handsome, rings a bell outside the building.

00:08:59 Speaker_05
Money for charity!

00:09:00 Speaker_14
Please give money to charity for Christmas! Uh, excuse me, I'm looking for... A great way to help those less fortunate than you? Well, sort of. I'm supposed to be working at the Points Out of Point family clinic today. Oh, sure, I can help, no problem.

00:09:15 Speaker_05
That'll be five dollars, please.

00:09:17 Speaker_13
What? Five dollars? God, what kind of scam are you running here? Chris shakes his bucket.

00:09:23 Speaker_05
The Christmas kind?

00:09:26 Speaker_13
For poor people?

00:09:28 Speaker_14
Oh, right. Okay. I'm sorry. Well, I only have a 20.

00:09:32 Speaker_13
There is a two minute long pause.

00:09:40 Speaker_05
You know what? It's Christmas. I'll spot you one. It's right behind you.

00:09:46 Speaker_14
Oh, I get it. Jokes on the new guy.

00:09:49 Speaker_05
Here, let me just unlock the door and help get you settled. You work here? Oh yeah, I'm the office manager. Collecting money for the needy is just a side hustle. I'm Chris. Chris Evergreen. Tabitha Big City. Oh, I know. We've been expecting you.

00:10:07 Speaker_05
Hope you got plenty of tinsel and holly berries in that bag.

00:10:10 Speaker_14
I don't know that you all need any more decorations. You guys really go all out for Christmas, huh? Doesn't everybody? I think I have a copy of NSYNC Home for Christmas on cassette at home, but that's about as festive as I get. I don't understand.

00:10:27 Speaker_14
I don't know, I guess it was just never a big deal for our family. Dad always volunteered to work Christmas Day, and my mom was allergic to trees.

00:10:37 Speaker_14
Also, my gam-gam was the one who always went out for Christmas, and when she died, it just never felt the same. And my mom left my dad for a mall Santa on... On Christmas? Arbor Day.

00:10:52 Speaker_05
I get it, your stocking's a little empty, but I think once you see the power Christmas has in this town, all your days are gonna be merry and bright. Listen, people are filling up your waiting room, you better get in there.

00:11:05 Speaker_14
You aren't staying?

00:11:07 Speaker_05
No, I got a shift at the Christmas tree farm. Good luck in there!

00:11:15 Speaker_13
Dr. Big City enters the clinic to find a full waiting room. She is eager to get started. The nurse puts her first patient in a room and Dr. Big City nervously knocks and walks in.

00:11:30 Speaker_14
Hello, I'm Dr. Big City. I'll be taking over things here at the clinic for a bit. What brings you in today, Ms. Crimble?

00:11:36 Speaker_08
Oh, please, dear, call me Holly. We're all like family here in Poinsettia Point. No need for formality.

00:11:42 Speaker_14
Well, that's very nice of you, ma'am. Thanks. Now, what seems to be the trouble?

00:11:45 Speaker_08
Well, it's just a small thing, really. I even feel silly for coming in for it. You don't want to let these things go on too long without getting them checked, just in case, you know.

00:11:53 Speaker_08
Anyway, I needed to know how many candy canes you use for a sore throat. I'm sorry, what are the candy canes for now? For my sore throat. I've hung about a dozen or so around the house since it started, but I forget exactly how many it usually takes.

00:12:09 Speaker_14
So wait, are you going to eat the candy canes for your throat? Like to soothe it since it's sore?

00:12:14 Speaker_08
No, of course not. You don't eat your Christmas decorations, dear. I've hung some on the tree, and I have a cute little garland with some across the doorframe.

00:12:21 Speaker_08
And I've attached several more to a larger decorative candy cane that hangs over the fireplace. But my throat is still scratchy, so I must need to put up a few more. I don't want to overdo it, you know. So eight or nine more?

00:12:33 Speaker_14
Uh, why don't we start with a quick exam first? I'll just take a look and maybe feel for enlarged lymph nodes in your neck and... Oh no dear, I don't have time for all that.

00:12:42 Speaker_08
I just needed a reminder about the candy canes. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll just go buy another box of them and start hanging them till I feel better.

00:12:50 Speaker_14
If candy canes help soothe your throat, I don't see any harm, but I would really feel better if I could just do a quick exam to ensure this is just a viral illness, and it'll go away on its own.

00:13:00 Speaker_08
You know, I think I have the answer to this question written down somewhere at home from a checkup I had once before. I'll just be going now. Thank you anyway, honey. It was so nice to meet you.

00:13:08 Speaker_08
Take care, and well, good luck with your other patients today. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.

00:13:19 Speaker_13
Ms. Krimble leaves in a rush, clearly a bit disappointed in the new doctor. Tabitha is a bit flustered by the strange encounter, but shrugs it off and heads to the next room.

00:13:32 Speaker_14
Hi there, I'm Dr. Big City, and you must be Mr. Frankson. It says here in your chart that you have high blood pressure, is that right?

00:13:39 Speaker_00
Yeah, doc, I gotta tell you, nothing is working. It's still just as high as ever, maybe worse.

00:13:45 Speaker_14
Tell me a little about the treatments you've tried so far.

00:13:47 Speaker_00
Well, it started with building one gingerbread house. When that didn't work, I built a second gingerbread house.

00:13:54 Speaker_00
By the time I came back from my follow-up, I had built a whole gingerbread neighborhood with little cars and mailboxes and fences made out of licorice and everything. With all that, my blood pressure was as worse as ever.

00:14:05 Speaker_14
Oh, so was this like for stress? Maybe you had discussed lifestyle changes and stress management and this was related?

00:14:13 Speaker_00
Oh, it was definitely stressful. I've never felt worse. All I do is build things out of gingerbread now. I have a whole gingerbread city. There are bridges and parks and skyscrapers. It's taken over my whole house. My wife is furious.

00:14:28 Speaker_00
I have no time for sleep or exercise. Mainly I eat gingerbread pieces for all my meals. I've gained 40 pounds. I've run up a huge credit card bill. Buying baking supplies and candy for decorating.

00:14:41 Speaker_00
No matter how much I build, my pressure just keeps getting worse and worse. What do I do?

00:14:47 Speaker_14
Okay, let's just start with adjusting your doses. What medication are you taking?

00:14:52 Speaker_00
I told you about the gingerbread, right?

00:14:55 Speaker_14
Yes, but what pills are you taking for your blood pressure? Pills? Yes, pills. Medicine. Pills that are medicine to make your blood pressure go down. What would they look like?

00:15:12 Speaker_14
Well, they all look different, but generally small, round, or oblong, can be any color, really. Gumdrops! No, what? No, no, no! Pills!

00:15:21 Speaker_00
Medicine! Oh, hold on. My phone is buzzing. I gotta take this. Yeah, hello, honey? Oh, what's wrong? Slow down. Which one fell over? No, not the gingerbread Walmart. It collapsed? And it took out the gingerbread Taco Bell. Are you kidding me?

00:15:44 Speaker_00
And the Gingerbread Arby's is on fire.

00:15:47 Speaker_14
The Gingerbread Arby's is on fire?

00:15:50 Speaker_00
Yeah, I'm leaving right now, honey. Yeah, just keep throwing royal icing on it. Sorry, doc. I gotta go take care of this. But your blood pressure. We have to do something. Yeah, yeah, I got it. Drum cops. I'll just keep using more drum cops.

00:16:13 Speaker_13
Mr. Frankston rushes out to deal with the gingerbread fire while Tabitha sits, puzzled by the whole interaction.

00:16:23 Speaker_13
She wanders, still befuddled, into the next room to find a man with an obviously broken left arm and a right arm that appears fixed at an odd angle. He is also very clearly in pain.

00:16:35 Speaker_14
Oh my goodness, your arm! When did this happen, Mr. Cameron?

00:16:39 Speaker_04
Well, the right one here got broken when my neighbor, Mr. Gibbler, drove his one-horse open sleigh into a drifted bank and got upsot. So I drove my one-horse open sleigh over there to help him, and I ended up upsot too.

00:16:54 Speaker_04
So we're both in that bank trying to help each other get unupsot when I broke the darn thing.

00:16:59 Speaker_14
It seems like maybe it didn't heel exactly straight. Can you use it at all?

00:17:05 Speaker_04
Oh yeah, I can do this. And this?

00:17:12 Speaker_14
How was that break managed?

00:17:15 Speaker_04
Oh, well, after I talked to the doctor, I went straight to work on putting up the Christmas lights. I got Santa and his reindeer up pretty easily, and the inflatables weren't too much trouble.

00:17:25 Speaker_04
But I ended up in a bit of a pickle when I was putting the lights on the roof. It was hard to maneuver up there, what with the arm and all. And wouldn't you know it, I ended up falling off the ladder and breaking the other one.

00:17:36 Speaker_14
Well, we need to get an x-ray of that right away to determine the extent of the fracture and whether or not we can just get away with, you know, setting it and casting it. A cast?

00:17:46 Speaker_04
No, ma'am. No cast for me. It's three days until Christmas. I still have the bushes to cover and the LED projectors for the front of the house, not to mention all the extra lights I'm going to need to put up to cure this arm.

00:17:59 Speaker_14
Well, we have to set it or else it'll heal crooked like the other one. That one is a much bigger problem. We're going to need a specialist to see you to figure out if we need to re-break it and set it properly.

00:18:09 Speaker_04
Break my right arm again? Are you kidding me? I have a broken arm and you want to go and break the other one that just healed? What kind of quack are you? Where's my doctor anyway?

00:18:25 Speaker_13
Chris Evergreen, having heard the commotion from the exam room, knocks on the door and then enters the scene.

00:18:31 Speaker_05
Hey, there, Kip. No need to get all worked up. I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding. Our new doc here has a good heart. She's just still learning the ropes of our little town is all.

00:18:41 Speaker_04
Chris, thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to feel like I was in some fancy schmancy hospital in the big city.

00:18:48 Speaker_04
She was talking about casts and breaking my arm, and here it is three days to Christmas, and I still have to get up the old penguin nativity set in my yard.

00:18:56 Speaker_05
That's right, you do, and I wager that's just what Dr. C would prescribe for that arm anyway.

00:19:00 Speaker_04
You are so right, Chris. I'm going to get on that right now. Thanks, Doc. Sorry I got so worked up there. This thing just hurts like the Dickens, you know? Oh, well. Merry Christmas.

00:19:14 Speaker_14
Wait, no! Your arm, your other arm! We have to do something about your broken arms!

00:19:21 Speaker_05
Hey, Doc, I don't want to interrupt your work, but what would you say to a walk and a nice cup of cocoa, huh?

00:19:29 Speaker_14
But the patients in the waiting room... Oh, they'll be fine.

00:19:32 Speaker_05
I have them all out there working on paper garlands and letter to Santa as we speak. Besides, I think I need to fill you in a bit on our little town here.

00:19:41 Speaker_14
I am kind of in the weeds.

00:19:42 Speaker_05
Come on, it'll clear your head. Extra marshmallows on me.

00:19:46 Speaker_13
Our next scene opens softly focused on a picturesque small town street. Piles of snow, I mean absolute mounds of the stuff, line the sidewalks.

00:19:55 Speaker_13
The lampposts are strewn with garland and twinkling lights and the shop windows are filled with candles and trees and wreaths and toy trains. Lots of toy trains.

00:20:04 Speaker_13
Chris and Tabitha are strolling along listening to the Christmas carols that are also the soundtrack, but we doubt the audience will notice.

00:20:13 Speaker_13
They're clutching mugs of hot chocolate in their fuzzy mitten hands and flakes of snow drift around them, but don't actually land on anything because they're just CGI.

00:20:23 Speaker_14
So Chris, honestly, what's the deal with this place? I had some of the strangest appointments in the office this morning.

00:20:30 Speaker_05
Oh, I'm sure our little town isn't much like the big city that you're used to.

00:20:34 Speaker_14
Well, yes, but that isn't exactly what I meant. It was much more difficult than that.

00:20:39 Speaker_05
Well, this cocoa here might not be Starbucks, but my dad opened Greg's Cookie and Cocoa Emporium over 30 years ago, and we've been using the same family recipe ever since. I can assure you that the number one ingredient has always been love.

00:20:56 Speaker_14
Again, that isn't really what I'm talking about, but I will grant you that Greg makes a great cup of cocoa.

00:21:03 Speaker_05
Who's Greg?

00:21:06 Speaker_14
Your dad from Greg's Cookie and Cocoa Emporium?

00:21:10 Speaker_05
His name's not Greg.

00:21:12 Speaker_14
Well, then who's Greg?

00:21:13 Speaker_05
I don't know. Who's Target?

00:21:18 Speaker_14
See, I really don't want to be offensive, but this place is just off. Everybody seems obsessed with the holidays, and I don't mean in a festive way. I mean in a way that seems to be dangerous to their health.

00:21:29 Speaker_14
It's almost like they think that doing Christmassy stuff will somehow treat their illnesses. I know that must sound really bizarre. No, not at all.

00:21:39 Speaker_05
I think you're beginning to understand the true meaning of Poinsettia Point. See, a lot of towns celebrate the holidays with decorations and cookies and caroling and all that, but they don't embrace the true spirit of Christmas. That's a shame.

00:21:52 Speaker_14
Oh, no way. Is this like some war on Christmas thing? No, I just mean that Christmas is medicine. So, like, being cheery and having a positive attitude is good for you, that kind of thing? Not at all. See,

00:22:08 Speaker_05
Christmas is literally medicine. See, okay, the way Dr. C explained it to me, disease is really just a result of weakness in your brain receptors, okay? That's completely wrong.

00:22:18 Speaker_05
So all you have to do to get healthy and stay that way is to make sure the receptors are strong again. And the best way to strengthen your brain receptors is with Christmas cheer.

00:22:27 Speaker_05
So holiday activities like decorating the tree and singing carols can actually cure you as long as you do them enough.

00:22:36 Speaker_14
That may be the dumbest fake medicine thing I've ever heard. You can't possibly believe that.

00:22:43 Speaker_05
And here I thought you big city folk were supposed to be open-minded.

00:22:47 Speaker_14
I am. I mean, I am to actual medical advancements, but this is completely ridiculous.

00:22:53 Speaker_05
You know what? If you think you know so much better, why don't you come to the tree lighting ceremony in the town square tonight, huh? Everybody will be there and you can see just how well we've been doing following Dr. C's advice.

00:23:03 Speaker_14
You know what, I will come. If for no other reason, then there may be some very ill people in this town who are in need of actual medical assistance.

00:23:11 Speaker_05
That's the Christmas spirit. It's a date then.

00:23:15 Speaker_14
No, it's not a date. It is in no way a date. Please understand that this is not a date.

00:23:22 Speaker_05
Okay then. Wink wink. I'll see you later at our not a date, where we definitely won't fall in love forever and ever. Bye!

00:23:36 Speaker_13
Before Tabitha can protest any further, Chris downs the last of his cocoa and sprints off to his next job, his small stand at the year-round Christmas bazaar where he makes and sells hand-blown glass ornaments. For orphans.

00:23:51 Speaker_13
Tabitha makes her way back to her room at the bed and breakfast, still in a bit of a daze. She needs to talk to someone who will make some sense. Tabitha decides to FaceTime with her sisters.

00:24:05 Speaker_14
Beth, Mandy, oh, it's so good to see you both. I'm losing it here, sisters. You have no idea what this place is like.

00:24:11 Speaker_11
Let me guess, lovely, quaint, snow-dusted, and cozy?

00:24:15 Speaker_12
The people all have warm smiles and big hearts? Sounds awful.

00:24:20 Speaker_14
No, no, the people are weird. I mean, it looks nice, but everyone thinks that Christmas is medicine and they do holiday stuff to treat themselves. Oh, Tabitha, you're just not used to doing the Christmas thing.

00:24:32 Speaker_11
You know, our family has always utterly rejected the entire holiday and refused to acknowledge its existence, even in the most minor way. This is just new to you.

00:24:41 Speaker_14
But it's more than just our family's complete distaste for all things Christmas. It's like I was telling Chris today. Oh, who's Chris? He sounds cute. He's the office manager at the clinic. And well, he actually has a startling number of other jobs too.

00:24:58 Speaker_14
But anyway, he was kind of showing me the ropes and he is so adorable. I haven't told you what he looks like. How long have you been dating Chris? Well, I'm obviously not dating him. I just got here yesterday. You literally saw me two days ago.

00:25:12 Speaker_14
Oh, Tabitha, you're always so afraid to commit when it comes to love.

00:25:16 Speaker_12
Yeah, you'll keep an amazing guy like Chris at arm's length no matter how perfect he is for you in every single way just because you're scared of getting hurt again. It's time for you to open up your heart to someone new.

00:25:30 Speaker_12
It's time for you to find love for Christmas.

00:25:36 Speaker_14
What could you possibly be talking about? I'm married. I have been for six years.

00:25:47 Speaker_11
Listen, listen, Tabitha, you need to let the magic of that picture-perfect small town where everyone is beautiful fill your heart with Christmas cheer. Then you need to move there and stay there forever.

00:25:58 Speaker_12
What? Stay here? Beth, what are you- Exactly. Just stay right there, married to Chris, and happy forever. Okay.

00:26:05 Speaker_14
I'm getting really worried about you both. What are you talking about? Are you drunk? Is this a joke? Good one, Tabby. By the way, the corporate hospital office called and offered you that big doctor manager job that you've always wanted. Really?

00:26:19 Speaker_14
Are you serious?

00:26:19 Speaker_12
That's amazing. I'll call them back right away to accept. Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry.

00:26:23 Speaker_12
We already told them that you couldn't take it because you are never coming back to the city and are going to stay in that little town with a big heart forever and ever, happy with your new husband, Chris Evergreen.

00:26:33 Speaker_14
What? No! What are you thinking? What is wrong with you both? And how did you know his full name? Okay, goodbye! We love you, sis! Bye!

00:26:40 Speaker_12
Merry Christmas! Say hi to Chris for us!

00:26:49 Speaker_13
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. She opens it to find Chris standing there, smiling, ready to escort her to the tree lighting ceremony.

00:26:59 Speaker_14
Look, Chris, I need to get home. I can't do this right now. Things are very confusing.

00:27:04 Speaker_05
I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's kind of an emergency. We really need our doctor in the town square right away.

00:27:08 Speaker_14
Oh, okay. Well, I'll grab my bag and we'll head there now.

00:27:17 Speaker_13
It's the evening of the tree lighting ceremony and the spectacle is almost too much to take in. On the Hallmark budget, that means that eight people will appear on screen at the same time.

00:27:30 Speaker_13
Beautiful children have well-meaning snowball fights as they duck and weave between tents filled with the very sick-looking citizens of Poinsettia Point. Chris is covering Tabitha's eyes as he leads her into the middle of the ceremony.

00:27:48 Speaker_13
He removes his hands triumphantly. Ta-da!

00:27:54 Speaker_14
Is this the emergency?

00:27:55 Speaker_05
I just didn't want you to miss it.

00:27:58 Speaker_14
Oh God, what am I wearing?

00:28:01 Speaker_05
Aren't they great? They're therapeutic. You should feel your circulation improving already.

00:28:08 Speaker_14
Chris, do we match?

00:28:12 Speaker_05
Okay now, this is getting spooky. Are you feeling this vibe or what? I'm gonna be sick. Well then, lucky thing you find yourself at the healthiest night of the year, the Poinsettia Point Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony.

00:28:26 Speaker_05
What in the... So let me give you the grand tour. Our first stop is the cookie decoration booth, which is probably the tastiest way I can think of to treat your asthma.

00:28:35 Speaker_05
Every day, the patients pick up their piping bags and they don't put them down until they find themselves breathing a little bit easier. And how long does that normally take? I'm sure it'll happen soon. This is fun over here.

00:28:48 Speaker_05
It's the elf on a shelf shack. You search all through the shack until you find that rascally little scamp. And then you eat it to cure your gout. Oh. Okay. So over here, this is a little more somber. It's a tent for our most serious cases.

00:29:07 Speaker_05
Basically, you just stand in the dark while a little girl reads that line from It's a Wonderful Life about angels getting their wings over and over and over again. It's um... It's intense. I wouldn't get too close.

00:29:20 Speaker_05
Actually, let's step away and over to the carolers.

00:29:24 Speaker_09
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight maids a-milking. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eight maids a-milking.

00:29:34 Speaker_05
Why are they just singing the eighth day of Christmas over and over again?

00:29:36 Speaker_09
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

00:29:38 Speaker_05
Our studies have shown that it's the most therapeutic. See? We're science-based, too. Hey, let's keep those maids a-milking, folks.

00:29:45 Speaker_09
Oh, we will. And don't worry, your secret is still safe with me, Prince Remington.

00:29:51 Speaker_05
And I shall be forever in your debt for that, Mr. Goldberg. Oh yeah, I'm also secretly a prince. It's a really long story, isn't it?

00:30:11 Speaker_14
So when do they light the tree?

00:30:14 Speaker_05
Oh, every seven minutes. It's so inspirational and beautiful, it's not really medically sound to do it only once a year.

00:30:21 Speaker_05
So every seven minutes, one of us flips the switch and we all gasp and tear up a little bit and spontaneously break into silent night.

00:30:28 Speaker_14
I have to go. Wait, not yet. It's your turn to light it. Well, I... Speech! Speech!

00:30:35 Speaker_13
Tabitha reluctantly takes the stage.

00:30:40 Speaker_14
Hi. Okay. So I just wanted to say that I never really believed in the whole Christmas thing until I came to your town. Woo! That's my girlfriend! No. No, Chris, never. Never. Where was I? Okay, right. So anyway, none of this is anything at all.

00:31:01 Speaker_14
In fact, it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

00:31:04 Speaker_14
You're all going to be dead by your mid-40s, and everyone is gonna tell ghost stories about the weird Christmas city where everyone was an idiot, and then they died, and now it's haunted. I'm going home. Best of luck turning into ghosts.

00:31:32 Speaker_06
Well, looks like I'm just in time!

00:31:40 Speaker_10
Dr. C!

00:31:41 Speaker_14
It's Dr. C! What? You're... You know what? Don't answer. I'm gonna find an Uber. I just... I just have to ask. How are my patients?

00:31:52 Speaker_06
Oh dear, sweet little Tabitha. They're extremely bad. Merry Critment to all! And to all a good night! THE END!

00:32:09 Speaker_03
That's a Christmas to me! You and me and her and her dreams! The little fireflies and the bees!

00:32:24 Speaker_01
That's a Christmas to me!

00:32:42 Speaker_13
from Justin and Sidney McElroy. Co-authors of A Medicine Called Christmas comes a new holiday fable to delight a generation. Gather the family and prepare for A Medicine Called Christmas 2, A Royal Pain.

00:33:11 Speaker_03
Yeah, this Christmas we're gonna do right Hang some lights on the tree Yeah, that's a Christmas to me But you're all around the fire Yeah, I don't want any more, no

00:33:38 Speaker_03
Yeah, you're callin' me a liar But I'm gonna go out for a jog That's a Christmas to me You and me and her and a dream Playin' boppers and the beat That's a Christmas to me

00:34:22 Speaker_13
Zoom in on Tabitha Big City.

00:34:32 Speaker_13
After her unsuccessful attempt to convince the residents of Poinsettia Point that Christmas could not cure human diseases, Tabitha fled her medical practice in America and decided to ply her trade in developing nations where she could make more of an impact and where tinsel was less plentiful.

00:34:51 Speaker_13
Doctors Without Borders has just deployed her to the newest assignment, the tiny European nation of Batavia, nestled just between Austria and Spain and Slovakia. You know, that whole sort of area, it's there.

00:35:06 Speaker_13
Almost before her plane finishes taxiing along the dilapidated runway, Tabitha is shocked to see a familiar face, Phil Pibbles, the former proprietor of Pibbles Bed and Breakfast.

00:35:18 Speaker_15
Here, here, ma'am. Let me help you with that.

00:35:22 Speaker_13
Phil?

00:35:23 Speaker_15
Phil Pibbles? Aye, that's me, ma'am.

00:35:25 Speaker_14
But I'm sorry, I can't place your- Poinsettia Point! I was assigned to be the town doctor. You helped me carry my bag.

00:35:33 Speaker_15
Oh. Of course. Miss Big City. How could I have forgotten?

00:35:40 Speaker_14
What are you doing halfway across the world?

00:35:43 Speaker_15
There was nothing for me in Poinsettia Point. I knew there had to be a place somewhere in the world where a man is still free to live the way he sees fit. To keep sacred the values of faith and family. To leave his Christmas lights up until February.

00:35:58 Speaker_15
Batavia is that place. Here, I'll take your bags.

00:36:01 Speaker_14
Uh, wait, how's your, uh, what was it? Super arthritis? Oh, markedly worse, thank you.

00:36:10 Speaker_15
Every movement is an agony. A silent, torturous prayer to a god that feeds on my suffering. I'm coping a bit better lately, though.

00:36:20 Speaker_14
Oh, that's good to hear. Did you start some new anti-inflammatories?

00:36:25 Speaker_15
Nope, I've been distracted by my adult onset mega-rickets. Yep, a severe lack of vitamin D has my legs bowed out into permanent question marks.

00:36:40 Speaker_15
The question is, of course, how I manage to open my eyes day in and day out when consciousness brings only a hellish symphony of physical and spiritual agony that borders on the transcendent.

00:36:55 Speaker_15
This is, of course, a question for which neither God nor man would dare to answer, so I'll continue to twirl in a waking purgatory in which my corporeal form is animated only by my own misery and fear of what lies beyond.

00:37:19 Speaker_15
Anyway, the Elantra's right over here on the left.

00:37:34 Speaker_13
After a long drive scored only by silence and Phil Pibble's low moans of pain, Tabitha is deposited at Hurt Hotel, the Count Galoo Family Fun Center, and mainly Casino.

00:37:44 Speaker_13
Exhausted from a long day's travel, she flips on the lights of her room and is shocked to find two sheep, a mule, and several robed strangers gathered around a wooden crib stuffed with hay.

00:37:55 Speaker_14
Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought this was my room. There must have been a mix-up.

00:37:59 Speaker_00
No, no. Hold up there, Toots.

00:38:01 Speaker_13
A voice beckons Tabitha from the crib. There, perfectly positioned in the hay, just above a headless baby doll, is the face of a bearded man in his late thirties.

00:38:12 Speaker_00
No need to rush off. We're just the Living Nativity. My what? Living Nativity. There's one in every room in the hotel to help guests get into that festive spirit. So, unto you, a me is born. Pretty killer, right?

00:38:28 Speaker_14
So how long are you here, Jesus?

00:38:32 Speaker_00
33 years tops. I'm just kidding. We're always here. We wait to use the can until you're out of the room, if that's your worry, and the maids clean up the mule dookie like, what do you think, Greg? Like twice a day? Yeah, like twice a day.

00:38:49 Speaker_00
But what do you do? Yes, we all close our eyes while you're in the shower. It's in our contract, not a concern. And while I sleep? We work odd jobs just to make ends meet. This isn't technically a paying gig.

00:39:03 Speaker_14
So at least I'll have a little privacy then.

00:39:05 Speaker_00
Oh no, we stay in the room and work on our laptops. A little transcribing, a little drop shipping, whatever comes up. No, until you check out, we're just like here.

00:39:17 Speaker_00
Actually my body from the neck down is standing on a stool in a room on the floor below So so I really don't have a lot of options you and me are gonna get real familiar Perfect. Yep, just like dad made me

00:39:33 Speaker_14
I hate this time of year. That's cool. It's just my birthday No, no, sorry. It's just see I'm a doctor and last December I was sent to a town called points at a point to I think learn the true meaning of Christmas It's it's still not completely clear.

00:39:50 Speaker_14
I met a guy named Chris Everly.

00:39:52 Speaker_00
Oh, it's getting juicy No, no, no

00:39:55 Speaker_14
It's not like that. He was a maniac that believed Christmas could be used as medicine, and had tricked an entire town into believing it, too. It was, honestly, the most dispiriting moment of my medical career.

00:40:07 Speaker_14
I've traveled the world helping people since then, but I still can't shake the nightmares.

00:40:11 Speaker_00
Okay, you trailed off there. Are you expecting me to say something in character? I mean, no presh, I audited a few classes at UCB. Okay, uh... Just know, um... advise you in the manner of your Lord and Savior in all his perfect wisdom.

00:40:31 Speaker_14
You know what? Never mind. I'm going to go to bed.

00:40:33 Speaker_00
No, no, no. Wait, wait. I'll come up with something. Just ask yourself, what would me do? You know, like the bracelet.

00:40:44 Speaker_13
Tabitha rises early the next morning and sets out for her first day of relief work. She is not well rested in the slightest, but she had to get out of her room.

00:41:00 Speaker_13
Jesus kept her up half the night trying to remember what inspirational things he had said in the Bible, and she quickly learned that twice a day mule dookie cleanings was just not cutting it.

00:41:10 Speaker_13
She arrives at the temporary hospital that had been set up to accommodate the increasing number of sick residents. It is an abandoned Hardee's. Tabitha walks from cot to cot assessing the patients before stopping and kneeling beside one.

00:41:23 Speaker_13
Hi, Mr. Soriano, is it?

00:41:26 Speaker_04
Yes, who's there? I barely have the strength to open my eyes.

00:41:32 Speaker_14
Good morning, sir. I'm Dr. Big City from Doctors Without Borders. I hope you don't mind, but I was hoping to ask you a few questions. You see, I've read about you in all the major medical journals and you're fascinating.

00:41:46 Speaker_04
Oh, thank you.

00:41:48 Speaker_14
No, no, that's bad. How are you feeling?

00:41:51 Speaker_04
Well, overall, I would say very, very bad. As you know, I am now officially the weakest human in medical history. But after weeks of therapy, I can move my tongue to speak again, so that's something. That's wonderful.

00:42:08 Speaker_04
I have to ask, though, how did this happen? It's a mystery to me, too, yeah.

00:42:14 Speaker_14
Yeah, but to get pellagra and beriberi and scurvy and merasmus and kwashiorkor and deficiencies of zinc, copper, chromium, fluoride, iodine, iron, manganese, selenium, calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, sodium, and vitamin A, B, C, D, E, and K all at the same time, it's basically impossible.

00:42:34 Speaker_04
Like I say, it's a mystery. I was a healthy strapping man full of vigor before all this, and I eat a very balanced diet. Could you elaborate? Well, I consume all the major food groups.

00:42:49 Speaker_14
I'm not trying to be pushy, but could you expand on that a bit?

00:42:52 Speaker_04
Well, heck, Doc, you know, all the food groups, sugar, butter, peanut butter, snickerdoodle, macaron, chocolate chip, thumbprint, gingerbread, the frosted ones from Walmart, the frosted ones from Cobra, You know all the food groups.

00:43:11 Speaker_04
Wait, those are just different types of cookies. Well, yeah. Hey, listen, if cookies are good enough for the big guy, they're good enough for me. The big guy? Are you kidding me here? What kind of doctor are you? Santa, of course. Santa.

00:43:32 Speaker_04
The big guy, the red suit, the beard that's white and the special night and all of that. If milk and cookies are good enough for Santa, they're good enough for Robert Soriano.

00:43:46 Speaker_14
So, you were drinking milk, too. You know, that's odd. You would have thought that... Oh, no. Not the milk part.

00:43:53 Speaker_04
Just the cookies. Well, why not the milk? I don't like milk. Oh. Oh, okay, well... Look, Doc, can I go back to resting my face muscles now? All this talking has made me just worn out. Sherp, Sherp, sorry. Just let me know if there's anything I can do.

00:44:15 Speaker_13
Tabitha is shaken by this strange encounter. This patient's belief in a Christmas-themed diet reminds her of the horrible experience she had in Poinsettia Point, and she begins to fear that something is very wrong here in Batavia.

00:44:27 Speaker_13
As her mind trails off in worry, she rounds a corner and runs face-first into someone carrying a very large cardboard box.

00:44:34 Speaker_13
Tabitha catches herself against the wall and begins to apologize to the stranger when he lowers the heavy box to the floor and looks back up at her, smiling.

00:44:42 Speaker_13
Tabitha realized that she is staring into the eyes of none other than Chris Evergreen Tabitha?

00:44:58 Speaker_05
I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there.

00:45:01 Speaker_14
What are you? Are you following me? What's your deal, man? I took a self-defense elective in high school. Back off.

00:45:09 Speaker_05
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just hold your horses there, Dr. Big City. I've been in Batavia for a while now. I had no idea you were coming. Heck, I'm probably here for the same reasons you are. There are people here in need of help, and helping people is what I do.

00:45:24 Speaker_13
Tabitha, still confused and frankly pretty freaked out, looks down at the big cardboard box at her feet and gasps in horror as she sees a red and green sweater with two elves building a snowman knitted on the front spilling out of the top.

00:45:36 Speaker_14
You and your Christmas crap! You're doing it again! You're trying to fix these poor sick people with Christmas, you twisted, weird moron!

00:45:44 Speaker_05
Oh, no, no, no. You got it all wrong, Tabitha. I'm a different person now. I left all that Christmas stuff behind. Then what about that horrible sweater? I mean, horrible is a little much, isn't it? I'm a bit rusty, but it's still decent craftsmanship.

00:46:00 Speaker_14
And you're probably gonna go wrap it around poor Mr. Soriano over there and heal them and shake some jingle bells over him in place of some IVs or some other crap like that, right?

00:46:09 Speaker_05
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, it is for Robert, but just because he's cold all the time from the complete lack of any human muscle tissue at all. I realize the error of my ways, Tabitha.

00:46:18 Speaker_05
I know you were right about real medicine being real medicine and not Christmas stuff. Hey, if you don't believe me, just look under the sweater.

00:46:25 Speaker_13
Tabitha leans over and nervously moves the hideous sweater. She is surprised to find that underneath it are actual medical supplies. Well, honestly, it's just a bunch of loose pills and some open Band-Aids, but still, medical supplies.

00:46:40 Speaker_13
Oh, wow, you were telling the truth.

00:46:43 Speaker_05
This is actual medicine, sort of. I told you Tab, I'm a new man now who's just trying to make the world a better place. Hey, by any chance you wouldn't be interested in having dinner with this new man tonight, would you?

00:46:53 Speaker_14
Wow, Chris, I think maybe we got some signals crossed here. That's not really where I am right now. Did you just call me Tab?

00:47:02 Speaker_05
Before Tabitha can protest further, Chris rushes off with his box of pills.

00:47:21 Speaker_13
Stares blankly for a moment, considering her options, and then shrugs as she resigns herself to yet another odd evening with Chris Evergreen.

00:47:28 Speaker_13
The day rushes by in a blur of strange diagnoses that she would be more acquainted with seen in history books than in exam rooms.

00:47:35 Speaker_13
Sooner than she would like, the workday is over and she finds herself walking into the last remaining restaurant in the tiny destitute country, Noel Biscuit. Chris waves her over to his table and gestures for her to sit down.

00:47:49 Speaker_13
He has at least had the courtesy to order her a beer already.

00:47:54 Speaker_05
Oh, I'm so happy you came! I have to admit, I really wasn't sure if you would, but that's ridiculous, right? I mean, with these looks? What gal wouldn't show, am I right?

00:48:05 Speaker_14
Let's not, Chris. I came because you said you had a plan to fix this place and I am a doctor and bound to help people by an oath and all that. So just tell me what's up.

00:48:16 Speaker_05
Well, first you have to understand the way things work here. Do you remember the poinsettia point? All the Christmas is medicine and stuff.

00:48:23 Speaker_14
Yeah, I remember it, dude. It ruined me. I've spent the last few years wandering the globe trying to find who I am and where I'm meant to be and regain the joy I once found in medicine that you weirdos took from me.

00:48:33 Speaker_05
Hey, I'm sorry about all that. I truly, truly am.

00:48:37 Speaker_13
Chris reaches across the table in an attempt to hold Tabitha's hand, and she just shakes her head and mouths the word, no. before downing her beer in one big gulp, which she is dismayed to realize is actually eggnog.

00:48:51 Speaker_05
So, anyway, this place is sort of suffering from the same thing as The Point, but worse. The new ruler is a terrible despot. He's raided all the country's savings to spend on Christmas stuff. Our education budget just went for tree ornaments.

00:49:03 Speaker_05
Our defense spending was for a bunch of nutcrackers and toy soldiers. Instead of infrastructure, money went into inflatables. Yeah, so... You've seen what's become of our healthcare system.

00:49:13 Speaker_05
It's cookies and candy canes and tinsel and twinkling lights all over again. Something has to be done.

00:49:19 Speaker_14
That's terrible. But it makes sense as to why the whole country has taken such a downturn in the last few years.

00:49:25 Speaker_05
Yeah, Guy's just the worst. He blew all the money we had allotted for Social Security on a big Christmas parade just so he could show off all of our holiday spirit power.

00:49:34 Speaker_05
Hundreds of Christmas floats and Christmas balloons Christmas bands and Christmas tanks wait wait wait wait Christmas tanks Yeah You know Christmas tanks

00:49:50 Speaker_13
Anyway, it's a total mess. Before Tabitha has a chance to ask for more information on the aforementioned Christmas tanks, the waiter arrives carrying a baking sheet with fresh, warm, undecorated sugar cookies cut into adorable holiday shapes.

00:50:03 Speaker_13
He lowers it to the table with a flourish and begins to arrange bottles of red and green icing, as well as tiny shakers of sanding sugar, non-perriers, and candy snowflakes.

00:50:13 Speaker_14
Wait, I'm sorry. You must have the wrong table. We haven't ordered any food yet.

00:50:18 Speaker_09
It's a prefix, madame, as it always is here at Noël Bisquick.

00:50:24 Speaker_14
That's fine, I guess, but we haven't eaten any dinner yet. You never brought us the main course.

00:50:30 Speaker_09
I'm sorry?

00:50:31 Speaker_14
The main course. The food, the dinner food, not the dessert.

00:50:39 Speaker_09
Are you asking for something other than cookies?

00:50:44 Speaker_13
At these words, a collective horrified gasp can be heard through the restaurant. A fork clatters as it is dropped to a plate. The silence lengthens. A hawk cries somewhere in the distance.

00:50:59 Speaker_05
No, no, no, no, never. She just knew is all. She hasn't been here before. Cut her some slack. She'll be fine with the menu, I promise.

00:51:06 Speaker_09
Well, I guess. If that is the case, we will forget your indiscretion this one time. You may go ahead and enjoy.

00:51:16 Speaker_13
The waiter does not leave, but stands and stares at them intently. Tabitha nervously reaches for a gingerbread man and brings the cookie slowly to her mouth to take a bite. The waiter draws in a tense breath.

00:51:28 Speaker_05
No, no, no, no, don't eat it. Just decorate it. Just pick up some frosting and decorate the darn cookie.

00:51:35 Speaker_13
Tabitha holds the cookie suspended in midair inches from her mouth. She reaches for the icing and begins haphazardly piping on thick red layers in a design that almost resembles half a sweater vest or perhaps a fatal stab wound.

00:51:53 Speaker_09
Truly embarrassing. Now, remember, stay quiet as you decorate so that we can hear the montage music. And be certain to smile warmly at each other periodically from different angles so that we have options. And as always, don't eat them.

00:52:09 Speaker_09
Don't ever eat them.

00:52:12 Speaker_14
Well, then who eats them?

00:52:14 Speaker_09
They are for the ladies at church, of course!

00:52:17 Speaker_13
Cheers! The waiter throws up his hands in exasperation and then excuses himself to get the check. Tabitha and Chris once again find themselves alone.

00:52:27 Speaker_05
Yikes! If the prince doesn't find out you tried to order real food!

00:52:30 Speaker_13
Uh, what would I get fined?

00:52:33 Speaker_05
Beheaded, probably. What? ! You know what, probably not. He doesn't want an international incident, but who knows? The prince is a monster. He only cares about celebrating Christmas as intensely as possible. He doesn't care who gets hurt as a result.

00:52:47 Speaker_05
I only hope that you and he never have to cross paths. I bet you're one of his least favorite people on earth.

00:52:56 Speaker_09
Excuse me, sir, but here is your check. Also, you seem to have left your crown in the urinal again.

00:53:04 Speaker_05
Oh, God. Crap, yeah, okay, you got me. I am the prince. But I did have you going for a little bit there, right?

00:53:18 Speaker_14
Chris, you, Chris Evergreen, are the prince of Batavia?

00:53:23 Speaker_05
Yeah, most def, most def, most def, yeah. It's a bit of a King Ralph situation. Literally moments after he left, when said he appoint, I got a telegram that all the Batavia evergreens had died from smallpox.

00:53:36 Speaker_14
Chris, smallpox was eradicated globally in 1979, thanks to vaccines.

00:53:45 Speaker_05
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a nostalgia thing or something. Anyway, I got called up to the majors and decided to make a country where I and those like me would still be free to celebrate Christmas.

00:53:57 Speaker_14
What are you talking about?

00:53:59 Speaker_05
Who kept you from celebrating? Why, you did, Tabitha. Don't you know? Know what? Oh, I forgot. You haven't been back home since that night. Poor, sweet Tabitha.

00:54:12 Speaker_05
You insisting that night that Christmas wasn't medicine triggered a crisis of Christmas cheer that soon spread nationwide.

00:54:18 Speaker_05
I'm sorry to be the one to break the news, but because of the actions of you, Tabitha Big City, Christmas is illegal in America.

00:54:27 Speaker_14
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

00:54:33 Speaker_05
It's all true, Tabitha. Chestnuts. Ban. Candy canes. Ban. Those little butter cookies in the blue tin that your grandma puts all her sewing stuff in. Ban. And it's all thanks to you and your highfalutin' big city ways.

00:54:47 Speaker_05
I guess you finally won the war on Christmas. I'm gonna go back to the hotel. Not so fast, Miss Big City.

00:54:55 Speaker_14
You aren't the slightest curious as to why you've been brought here? I assumed it's because your medical infrastructure was basically non-existent, which I now suspect is due to the country being run by a sentient yule log.

00:55:09 Speaker_05
You cut to the core of me, Tabitha. But no, we don't need your allopathic voodoo. We've got hearts full of Christmas cheer.

00:55:18 Speaker_05
No, I brought you here because you're the one who killed Christmas and the way I figure it, you're the one who's gonna bring it back.

00:55:23 Speaker_14
There's absolutely no way on earth that I'm helping you with literally anything. So again, I'm headed back to my room. Guards, seize her!

00:55:32 Speaker_13
An uncomfortable minute passes.

00:55:36 Speaker_05
Guards? Phil? I know, I know, you're the only guard. Could you just, could you hurry up the seizing a little bit? I know, the adult onset mega rickets, I get it. I do, I just, okay, so you're sitting down. Just taking a little break there, huh champ?

00:55:58 Speaker_05
Okay, that's fine, no biggie.

00:56:01 Speaker_14
Are you crying? Oh, okay, God, just let him sit, let him sit. I'll go to your castle.

00:56:07 Speaker_05
Abandoned toys are us, but same difference.

00:56:12 Speaker_13
As Chris and Tabitha enter the main foyer of the Toys R, I mean, the castle, they are greeted by an imperial-looking woman in Christmas-themed robes and wearing a crown on her head. She is already staring coldly as she approaches.

00:56:31 Speaker_10
So, you were the little American tart who thinks she is good enough for my little Chris.

00:56:40 Speaker_14
I'm sorry?

00:56:42 Speaker_10
You should be, commoner.

00:56:46 Speaker_05
Who are you now? I've been so excited for this moment, I just can't believe it's really happening. Okay, Tabitha, meet my mom, Queen Evergreen. Mom, this is Tabitha, the doctor girl that I told you so much about?

00:56:58 Speaker_10
I would say charm to meet you, but as you may be able to tell, I am most certainly not.

00:57:06 Speaker_14
I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding here, your highness. We are not together. This is sort of a, I was brought here by guards against my will situation, if you get my drift.

00:57:19 Speaker_10
So the little Yankee peasant thinks she is the one who is too good for the bonafide prince. Is that your drift?

00:57:27 Speaker_14
Okay, what is wrong with all you people?

00:57:31 Speaker_10
You people? So, prejudice against Batavians, too, I see. A real catch, this one.

00:57:39 Speaker_05
Oh, Mom, don't be so hard on her. She is a doctor, and she's gonna help me bring Christmas back to America.

00:57:45 Speaker_14
Okay, this is the second time you've said that. I have to ask, why in the world would I want to help you?

00:57:51 Speaker_05
Mom, would you give me and Tabs a second, please? I need a little privacy here.

00:57:57 Speaker_10
Oh, no trouble. My only dear son, I'll just go hide my room like a ghost. Don't mind me, just your mother who gave up everything, advocated her actual crown so you could be in charge and do your Christmas thing.

00:58:21 Speaker_10
But no trouble at all, I'll just go wither quietly in the corner while you flirt with a little street urchin. Don't mind me, I've just been blowing up beach balls all day.

00:58:39 Speaker_13
Queen Evergreen leaves, but you can still hear her guilt trip for several minutes longer from the other side of the castle.

00:58:46 Speaker_05
Oh, look, Tabitha, I know you're going to be helping me because no matter what you say, I know the Christmas spirit is still hiding somewhere in that big, gushy heart of yours. I just hadn't been able to figure out how to get to it until now.

00:58:59 Speaker_13
With that, Chris takes a bag off an abandoned Toys R Us display case and reaches inside slowly. He begins to hum Hark the Herald, like the Peanuts characters do in the Christmas movie, as he reveals the contents of the bag to Tabitha.

00:59:15 Speaker_13
It is a small snow globe. It is clearly old and a bit scratched, but inside, the snow still swirls around a perfect little family skating on a frozen pond. Tabitha takes the snow globe, her hands trembling a bit. This can't be real.

00:59:31 Speaker_14
How could you have found this? It's the last present my mom ever gave me for Christmas before she left my dad for that mall Santa on Arbor Day. It's my last memory of what Christmas, when it meant something to me.

00:59:49 Speaker_05
So like, does that make you want to change your mind then? I mean, does that make you want to help me?

00:59:55 Speaker_14
Well, I don't know, maybe, I think, yeah, I think maybe I do care about Christmas after all.

01:00:01 Speaker_05
Ah! Okay, this is great. I mean, I really thought it would take a little more effort. I can't say I'm disappointed, but I do feel a little bad about plan B now. Plan B? I sort of kidnapped your dad.

01:00:18 Speaker_05
I had him thrown in the dungeon and I was gonna threaten to kill him if you didn't comply.

01:00:25 Speaker_13
Tabitha's dad, Mr. Big City, is led into the room in chains. Oh God!

01:00:34 Speaker_07
Dad! Tabitha, honey, thank goodness you are here.

01:00:40 Speaker_14
Are you okay?

01:00:41 Speaker_07
I am now that I know that Christmas will be saved. Oh no.

01:00:47 Speaker_07
Uh, yes sir, uh, that dungeon was no treat, and all you could really, uh, and you all could really do with a bathroom and maybe some water down there somewhere, or even just a floor that isn't constantly damp.

01:01:00 Speaker_07
But it was all worth it in the end, if my kidnapping and imprisonment for seven months is what it takes to bring Christmas back to the good ol' U.S. of A, then sign me up!

01:01:13 Speaker_14
So they got to you too?

01:01:15 Speaker_07
Only if you mean that by they got to my big, gooshy heart with Christmas spirit and goodwill, then yes, they sure did. Also, they brainwashed me. I'm fairly certain. But who cares anymore? Christmas!

01:01:42 Speaker_13
Mr. Big City is let off singing Deck the Halls at the top of his lungs as Tabitha hangs her head in defeat. Slowly, she turns to Chris.

01:01:52 Speaker_05
Okay, I quit.

01:01:53 Speaker_14
What's your plan?

01:01:54 Speaker_05
You're gonna like the plan, though. It's a really good plan. It doesn't really sound like I have much choice.

01:01:59 Speaker_05
Yeah, so I figure to get everyone's attention, if we're gonna make a real impact in the U.S., you know, the whole world is watching, you know, I'm gonna do something that the all-world media will be forced to cover.

01:02:10 Speaker_14
Chris, that sounds terrifying. Please just think about- Pumpkin pie.

01:02:16 Speaker_05
Sorry? Tomorrow night at 8pm, Phil's grandma, Nana Pibbles, is going to make the world's best pumpkin pie.

01:02:26 Speaker_14
So how does that do, uh, anything?

01:02:31 Speaker_05
the world's best Tabitha. You think they're gonna be able to ignore that? You think there's any news station on the planet that's gonna miss showing their viewers the pumpkin pie that makes all others look like simple piles of squash and bread?

01:02:47 Speaker_14
This is all nothing, obviously, but how can you even prove that it's the world's best pumpkin pie?

01:02:54 Speaker_05
It's right here in the Blessed Redeemer Baptist Church 1979 Family Cookbook. See? Nana Pibble's recipe for world's best pumpkin pie. Are you saying that Nana Pibble's is a liar, Tabitha? I guess not.

01:03:09 Speaker_05
So, just the fine people of the Blessed Redeemer Baptist Church, huh? Dang, that's cold, Tabitha, even for you.

01:03:16 Speaker_14
So what, I'm supposed to take a big bite and give a thumbs up to the camera? Dang, Grandma, this pumpkin pie is creamy, united us all as a planet, and has just the right amount of clove.

01:03:29 Speaker_05
No, Tabitha, the pie is just the appetizer. The main course will be humble pie.

01:03:36 Speaker_14
So the pie isn't the dessert. It's an appetizer for the pie that follows the initial pie Is there a dessert as like an as yet unnamed third pie or no?

01:03:47 Speaker_05
You're going to announce the world that you're very sorry for killing christmas and that christmas rules And also it's medicine.

01:03:55 Speaker_13
No Five minutes later Tabitha's cry of despair is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of her two sisters, Beth and Mandy.

01:04:13 Speaker_13
They come rushing over to her in a flurry of excitement, carrying armloads of tulle and satin and sparkly necklaces and makeup palettes. Tabitha stares at them in confusion, unable to speak for a moment.

01:04:25 Speaker_11
Well, hello to you too, sis. Not much of a royal welcome here, huh? Yeah, I'd expect better manners from a princess-to-be.

01:04:33 Speaker_14
What? A princess? What are you talking about? Why are you here? How are you here? What is happening?

01:04:41 Speaker_11
You thought you could keep a secret like this from your own sisters? A prince, a castle, a romantic Christmas ball?

01:04:47 Speaker_14
The world's best pumpkin pie? No, no, no, no. There is no ball. I'm being held hostage, basically. Dad was in the dungeon? This guy's a moron who run his whole country into the ground with his strange Christmas obsession. This is not a romance thing.

01:05:05 Speaker_14
Well, not with you looking like that, it's not.

01:05:07 Speaker_12
It must be hard to feel the magic in the air and those dingy scrubs.

01:05:12 Speaker_11
Yeah, just between you and me, sis, I don't know why you even wear them. They look so, I don't know, sterile. They're supposed to look sterile!

01:05:23 Speaker_12
I'm a doctor! She just takes any opportunity she can to remind us of that, doesn't she? I know, right? Anyway, Tabs, we gotta get you all fancied up for the big ball now, so let's get a move on, huh?

01:05:34 Speaker_12
There's a lot to do if we're gonna make you into a princess that will definitely be proposed to by the end of this night.

01:05:40 Speaker_11
We've got glasses to take off, hair to let down, a dress for you to look uncomfortable in, and some quirky tennis shoes to go with the whole thing, cuz hey, you still gotta be adorable, you!

01:05:50 Speaker_14
No, no, no, this is really not the vibe here. How are you guys so misreading this situation?

01:05:56 Speaker_13
Hey, wait! Before Tabitha can stop them, the sisters have rushed her off to some sort of makeover montage, in which she is indeed transformed into a beautiful princess-to-be, at least by Christmas movie standards.

01:06:11 Speaker_13
Basically, she's wearing a prom dress and tennis shoes, and her hair is down. But the effect on Chris is obvious when Tabitha re-enters the room. Just imagine that you were looking at the stage through a soft focus lens right now.

01:06:22 Speaker_13
Go ahead, just imagine it.

01:06:24 Speaker_14
Wow, Tabs, you just look... Stuff it, Chris. I just can't with you right now. Let's go to the stupid pie thing.

01:06:33 Speaker_13
It's 7.55 p.m. in the courtyard outside the abandoned Toys R Us. The crust of Nana Pibble's pie is just moments away from being perfectly golden brown. In attendance, all of the world's media.

01:06:45 Speaker_05
Wow, this is so cool that you all came. Wow. So fun. What really makes this special, though, is the Christmas magic. You know, the lights, the cookies, the music.

01:07:01 Speaker_05
All the stuff we used to love before was totally ruined by this person right here, Tabitha Big City, my future girlfriend.

01:07:09 Speaker_14
Never, never, never, ever.

01:07:11 Speaker_05
Okay, you're right. Too far, too far, you're right. Anyway, Tabitha, is there something you want to say to all the world's media?

01:07:19 Speaker_14
Okay, it pains me to admit this, but the pie is actually pretty choice. You know that's not what I meant! Fine, fine.

01:07:29 Speaker_05
For Snobie. Wait, you named the snow globe? What about For My Dad?

01:07:37 Speaker_13
Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay, deep breath. The crowd falls silent. All eyes are drawn to Tabitha and only partially because there's a big glob of pumpkin on her chin. Christmas is very cool.

01:07:53 Speaker_05
The script, please.

01:07:56 Speaker_14
Christmas is super sweet, and I'm really sorry I killed it. I promise I'll never do that again. It was a total boner. And also... Go on.

01:08:16 Speaker_13
Tabitha summons all her courage as she prepares to save her dad and beloved snow globe by betraying all that she holds dear. But then, the silence is broken by a low roar that grows increasingly powerful.

01:08:27 Speaker_13
Suddenly, the gates burst open and townspeople flood the courtyard of the abandoned Toys R Us. At their head, holding a pitchfork, is Jesus.

01:08:38 Speaker_00
This has gone far enough, Evergreen! Jesus, what are you doing out of the hotel? My name is Carl. And I've had about enough. We all have. Batavia used to be a good, prosperous nation. But you've perverted it with your Christmas obsession.

01:09:00 Speaker_00
Oh, thank you, Jesus. Cole! Also, you're welcome. We're not doing this for you. We, the citizens of Batavia, demand a return to logic, a return to reason, a return, a return to Easter!

01:09:21 Speaker_13
From his robe, Carl pulls a massive crate of colorful eggs and hoists it above his head.

01:09:29 Speaker_00
I'm done hiding. These precious babies have been under my bed for months and they smell terrible. My mother cured all manner of genetically transmitted diseases with these beautiful babies, and so did her mother before her, and her mother before her.

01:09:45 Speaker_00
Oh, come on. We the people demand that we return to the old ways, to the ways of Easter. Bring back Easter. Bring back Easter. Bring back Easter. Bring back Easter.

01:09:59 Speaker_13
Bring back Easter. Carl attempts to get the crowd to join in, and they either do or they don't. It's really up to them.

01:10:08 Speaker_00
Bring back Easter! Bring back Easter! And another thing! We want to go back to calling it Easter Island again, everyone!

01:10:18 Speaker_13
Bring back Easter! In the commotion, a jolly man sidles up to Tabitha.

01:10:28 Speaker_06
Santa Claus?! Ho, ho, hold it down, will you? I'm trying to lay low. Are you here to rescue me? Oh, no, no. Chris named me Minister of Defense, but I know a coup d'etat when I see one. We're getting out of here. Your dad's already in the sleigh.

01:10:47 Speaker_14
I can't believe it. All those years of being good are finally paying off.

01:10:51 Speaker_06
Actually, one of these y'all who stabbed me with a sharpened candy cane, and I need you to stitch me up.

01:10:59 Speaker_14
What about Snowbee?

01:11:02 Speaker_06
I'll make you 20 of them. Let's go The end

01:11:36 Speaker_13
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