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Episode: Nah, I'd Win (Part 2)

Author: Distractible
Duration: 01:03:03

Episode Shownotes

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Summary

In 'Nah, I'd Win (Part 2)' from the Distractible podcast, hosts Mark, Wade, and Bob delve into humorous discussions and creative storytelling. They explore awkward experiences, such as struggles fitting into small cars and absurd scenarios involving cosmic themes and a pig's comical escape plan. Their playful banter highlights the limitations individuals face in everyday situations, while introducing a new game that blends humor and competition, further showcasing their camaraderie and distinctive storytelling style.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (Nah, I'd Win (Part 2)) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_03
This episode is brought to you by Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. Uncover one of history's greatest mysteries in Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. A first-person single-player video game set between Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade.

00:00:12 Speaker_01
The year is 1937. Sinister forces are scouring the globe for the secret to an ancient power, and only one person can stop them.

00:00:19 Speaker_03
Indiana Jones! Do I enjoy Indiana Jones? I may have done a cosplay of me in a refrigerator surviving a nuclear bomb. Yes, I do. Adventure Calls! Indiana Jones and the Great Circle out December 9th on Xbox Series X and S, Game Pass and PC. Pre-order now.

00:00:36 Speaker_03
Rated T for Teen. Copyright and Trademark 2024. Lucasfilm Limited. All rights reserved.

00:00:40 Speaker_00
Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Wayne Scotted Wade hates rubbing, plugs iron lung, and rolls crits for his RPG.

00:00:52 Speaker_00
Mailable Mark gets hard for big drives, coops the Kuiper, and gets his Galadriel on with penthouse piggies. Banorstic Bob plays Ace Ventura, sucks moons, ends the Earth, and weaponizes diarrhea. From clown cars to killing a farmer's family, Yes!

00:01:12 Speaker_00
It's time for Nah, I'd Will, part two. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

00:01:25 Speaker_01
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm today's host, Wade. Joined as always by my friends and co-hosts, Mark and Bob. Hey boys.

00:01:33 Speaker_03
Hello. Fuckin' Ubuntu. To our listeners, Bob saluted. That was just for the watchers. I was not acknowledging the listeners. Don't talk to them. All right.

00:01:42 Speaker_01
Anyway, welcome to the show where one person hosts, the other two compete for points. Whoever has the most points at the end gets to host the next episode. The games vary. The points are always consistent.

00:01:50 Speaker_01
I forgot to get my pad and paper to write them down, but I've got it now. So thankfully no points would have been awarded at this point anyway. But how are you guys doing?

00:01:58 Speaker_03
Pretty good. Pretty good. I'm typing in bullshit is how it's going. You think this episode's bullshit? I haven't even started yet. I'm typing bullshit. Can't you copy and paste bullshit? Oh, waiting for cash lock.

00:02:11 Speaker_03
Could not get lock slash var slash lib slash donkey package slash lock front end. It is held by process 8569.

00:02:21 Speaker_01
Last episode was the election episode, Mark. We don't need more donkey talk.

00:02:24 Speaker_03
We don't need to talk about the donkey libs right now. What about the elephant libs? What about the donkey conservatives live free or he? I'm glad you enjoy yourself so much, buddy. I really do. You can wait to see if anyone thought that was funny.

00:02:40 Speaker_03
You knew it was funny. I find me hilarious. I tell you guys about the loaner car that I had recently.

00:02:46 Speaker_02
I don't think I did. It's not that funny of a story, but as a large person, this happens to me a lot. I don't fit in things, but I can find a way to work around it.

00:02:55 Speaker_02
I don't fit in the booth at the restaurant, but I'm like, can we just get a table or whatever? These things happen. Recently, my car had to go in and the dealership, it's like warranty work, so they gave me a car for free.

00:03:06 Speaker_02
They were like, here, just take one of these, drive this around, and we'll give you a car back tonight or tomorrow, whatever. Nice. And I appreciated it.

00:03:14 Speaker_02
And when I got to the I was dropping the car off and I was talking to like the service department guy, and then he handed me off to the guy who was going to get me the car. And he was he like sort of looked me up and down. It was like, hey, what's up?

00:03:23 Speaker_02
How you doing, sir? So we only have coupes available for the loaner cars, right? Like two door like small cars. And I was like, oh, that's fine, man. We had our other car, you know, is a family car, too.

00:03:37 Speaker_02
So like, I don't need to put the baby seat in it or anything. That's fine. And he's like, yeah, yeah, it should be fine.

00:03:42 Speaker_03
It'll be fine. Can I see your driver's license? And like it was just a weird vibe. I got to the car outside. The guy gave me the keys and walked away.

00:03:51 Speaker_02
And I went to get in it. And I don't know if anyone else who's not like a very large person can relate to this, but I had that moment where I was like, I'll just slide in. And I didn't get past my like ribs.

00:04:01 Speaker_02
I was trying to slide into this car and I went to sit down and it was literally like. Oh, all right. All right. Hang on. Maybe the seats not all the way back. Maybe the steering wheel is not. It was everything was as up and back and out as it could get.

00:04:14 Speaker_02
And so I and I this was my car for at least the day. And getting in is honestly not the hard part. Like I had to sort of look at it and angle my body. But if you have that moment where you're just like whoosh and you slide in and it was fine.

00:04:28 Speaker_02
It was very comfortable to drive.

00:04:29 Speaker_03
But when that's how you get into something, getting out of it is usually horrific. And I like drove all the way home, parked in the driveway. It must have looked like the scene from Ace Ventura where he gets birthed out of the rhino.

00:04:44 Speaker_03
Like I started trying to get out of the car and I was just like pulling, but I ended up on my back laying next to the car in the driveway, naked, naked because my clothes peeled off.

00:04:55 Speaker_02
That's fine. I don't know if my neighbors saw me. They probably didn't. They're not. It's fine. The last thing that had to happen between me and this car was I had to drive it to the dealer and drop it off to get my car back.

00:05:06 Speaker_03
And the way they were like, when you bring it back, just pull into the service garage to the inside part and drop it off. And I didn't think this all the way through until I got there.

00:05:15 Speaker_03
But where I had to drop the car off, there was a full two story wall of windows into the main showroom of the dealership.

00:05:24 Speaker_03
where every single salesperson and customer and every human in the entire building was looking out from their offices and desks at these windows. And then I parked this tiny car in there and proceed to do the fat guy dance.

00:05:39 Speaker_03
of what and like and also the service person who is like dealing with my car. I pull in and he's like, Hey, that's Mr. My skin. He starts walking towards me.

00:05:48 Speaker_03
So the guy I've already talked to is walking towards me 20 feet away and the entire rest of everyone is like, Ooh, a red car pulled in and then I have to do the exact same dance of like,

00:06:00 Speaker_03
But I end up like laying on the ground and it's like the guy is standing over me and he's surprised at the vehicle and to shake my hand and I'm like I'm laying on the ground and I do that thing where you just like pop up like nothing happened.

00:06:13 Speaker_03
Close the door. But I'm like sweaty. I pop out and I'm like. Hey, good to see you. Yeah, let's get like God fucking damn like it's I don't know how relatable that is for anyone who's not just like I'm very tall.

00:06:26 Speaker_03
I'm also very big guy, fat guy like it's fine.

00:06:29 Speaker_02
But man, did that suck?

00:06:31 Speaker_04
I don't know if you saw, but I was in the safari car that pulled up with the, you know, the family there and we were watching you. You really did a good impression with no hands going out of the car door.

00:06:40 Speaker_04
It was it was really impressive and quite a show. I think everyone learned something that day.

00:06:45 Speaker_03
With no birth canal to really help me put on the performance, I feel like I got there on my own very effectively.

00:06:52 Speaker_03
I don't know where you conjured up all the fluids that came out, but you were very, very moist on the way out, and it was... It came from me. It was mostly sweat.

00:06:59 Speaker_04
Okay, cool. All right, mostly? All right, cool. That's awesome. I need no more. No more?

00:07:03 Speaker_02
Well, it helps in that situation. If you piss your pants, sometimes it'll help you squeeze the last pack half out. Anyway, that was just that's stuck in my mind forever.

00:07:11 Speaker_02
Now is the most recent thing where me being a very large person created a great scenario that didn't at all embarrass me for the rest of the week. And that was two weeks ago, actually. Now, so it's clearly still I'm not holding on to that.

00:07:24 Speaker_03
We are tall people. You are taller than me by a little bit, but we are tall people.

00:07:27 Speaker_04
We we we we we're tall. You heard it, everyone. You heard it.

00:07:33 Speaker_01
It blows my mind that like cars and plane seats and everything else just are not made to accommodate anything other than like perfectly average.

00:07:44 Speaker_02
I get why planes and stuff are like that.

00:07:45 Speaker_03
No, the motivation for that is not complicated.

00:07:49 Speaker_02
It's money. No, they can want to put the maximum number of whatever seats and whatever in so they can sell them. But you're right. Why? Why a car like that?

00:07:59 Speaker_02
It's not like there wasn't physically space in the car for it to have been designed in a way where it would have been more accommodating to a really tall person. It just wasn't.

00:08:08 Speaker_02
Apparently, Germans are not very tall because it was a this was a BMW that I got into. So.

00:08:12 Speaker_04
Germans are definitely not known for being huge.

00:08:15 Speaker_01
There are people taller than us. And sure, some of them are athletes like basketball players, but some of them are just normal people who are fucking freakishly tall. What do you do if you're seven foot two and you need a car?

00:08:26 Speaker_02
Drive a Hummer something.

00:08:28 Speaker_03
I don't know.

00:08:28 Speaker_01
It upsets me as a bald and tall person. I feel very, very upset at this was bald have to do with it. It hit your head on the ceiling. There's no protection. It's just like.

00:08:38 Speaker_02
Oh, I assumed you'd have less friction with your shiny, shiny head.

00:08:42 Speaker_01
Whenever you do make contact with no hair, you better hope it's like a really soft, comfortable thing that you're hitting, because if it's like sandpapery, it's not pleasant.

00:08:50 Speaker_04
It's part of the reason why we have hair on certain spots in our body.

00:08:53 Speaker_03
Not the full reason, but we have hair in places that encounter a lot of rubbing. And impacts! 30 minutes of rubbing? At least. More like 32 minutes of rubbing. Come on, man.

00:09:06 Speaker_01
Also, Mark, I did not take away a point from you, but I wanted to. You were here and you saw Bob in the car, but you didn't say hi to either one of us while you were in Ohio.

00:09:14 Speaker_03
He was on safari with the family. Come on. I can't make them stop. It's dangerous. Mark got in the safari truck at the Los Angeles safari terminal. And he gets off when they let him off. That's how those things work.

00:09:27 Speaker_04
We went through Elon's California to Ohio tunnel that only safari Tesla safari users can go in and I don't control it.

00:09:37 Speaker_01
I didn't take away a point. I didn't. I just wanted to let you know. Unfortunate situation. Good story. Well told as always.

00:09:43 Speaker_02
I'm sure someone who saw that had quite the funny laugh at it. So like I hope they appreciated it because at least a good thing came out of it.

00:09:50 Speaker_01
I mean, at least you got your car back and it was only what, two or three times in the rental.

00:09:54 Speaker_02
I honestly only drove it other than to the from the dealership home and back to the dealership. I drove it one other place. Probably could have just gotten an Uber. They wanted to give me one. So I was like, I'll take a free car.

00:10:06 Speaker_03
How could go wrong? Meanwhile, I can't get one even when I ask for one. Yeah, you just have to go to the right places. Mark, what's new with you?

00:10:13 Speaker_04
So a few things are new. Just kidding.

00:10:17 Speaker_03
It's the same bullshit it's always been, except I'm slavering. I'm slavering. What is the term? Slavering? Slavering isn't the term? Slavering. Slaver. I'm not sure what word you're trying to say. You're letting saliva run from your mouth?

00:10:32 Speaker_03
Show excessive desire. I'm slavering. Slavering? Slavering. Slavering? Drooling? Slavering. S-L-A-V-E-R. Huh. I don't know this word. Over this, the latest development in hard drive technology, I've looped fully back. We're back, baby!

00:10:48 Speaker_03
Oh, we're back to hard drives. It's 2022 again. Hard drives, hard drives, 122 terabytes. Hey, that's almost exactly double the one you were excited about. I have many of those, but. Is this like an M2 SSD or is this a spinny disky kind?

00:11:06 Speaker_03
It's obviously an NVMe drive, bro. A little bit bigger, thicker than this one, which is another NVMe drive. It'll never focus.

00:11:14 Speaker_01
I don't know why I leaned back and tried to focus thinking that would fix it. Oh man.

00:11:17 Speaker_03
I know how to fix this. It's not working! That usually works!

00:11:23 Speaker_04
Yeah, so it's a little thicker than this one. This is a 16 terabyte.

00:11:27 Speaker_05
Why 122? Why not stop at 120 or go to 130? 122 is so random.

00:11:31 Speaker_03
Because of how math works for bits on computers. It's not random. There's a mathematical reason for it. 500 gigabyte, 1 terabyte, 2 terabyte, 6 terabyte, 8 terabyte, 122? Computers don't work on the metric system. Calm down. 122! Ah, why always when we're recording do you talk to me, Alexa?

00:11:48 Speaker_03
Sorry. Sorry, I don't know if you could hear that. I always think it's like Bandy or something coming in and you're just like screaming. It every time makes my soul leave my body.

00:12:02 Speaker_03
I don't even know why it's not that scary. It's just a lady's voice. That is scary. Anyway, big hard drive, Mark. It means that if I were to match that in size, it would need six more of these, which are 16 terabyte ones. All in one drive.

00:12:17 Speaker_03
I forget, is that big enough so that all of your iron lung stuff would basically fit on one drive? It would, it would, it would, absolutely. That would be very convenient. Big drive, small movie, you decide. Big drive.

00:12:29 Speaker_03
Yeah, I don't think it's a small movie. They didn't work on it very much. Oh, is that a Bobby Boucher point?

00:12:40 Speaker_04
Bobby Boucher?

00:12:42 Speaker_03
You know, the water boy? I've not seen that since, what was it, the 90s when it came out? It's like the sound he makes when he footballs. I haven't seen it at all.

00:12:49 Speaker_04
I've been also working on the render farm, and I know I've disparaged Linux users before, and I will continue to do so. It doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense, you open source bastards. I hate it. I can't even log into my NAS from Ubuntu.

00:13:06 Speaker_03
I tried to install Fedora and it blew up on installation. Marender? Then I installed Fedora's server client, and after the full installation process, I'm greeted with a DOS command prompt, and I'm like, I left this behind in 1994, my commander.

00:13:28 Speaker_04
So yeah, I'm doing that because the alternative is Windows Server, and I don't know if you know how much Windows Server costs, but it can cost upwards of

00:13:37 Speaker_03
$7,000 per license. Do you need a license per machine that's on it? So you don't necessarily need that one. And I don't know if that includes multiple licenses for multiple computers, but it's like with servers.

00:13:52 Speaker_03
I have many small versions of it, and I don't know what I don't know any of it, but I know that Linux is free, so I don't have to deal with that. But also, it's the Dracula. Oh, I love Count Dracula.

00:14:05 Speaker_05
Bluh, bluh.

00:14:06 Speaker_03
I auditioned for the movie. Think if we could get in? Bluh. Bluh. Bluh. It's like a Christopher Nolan Dracula. We're going for dark and gritty. Dracula's been through a lot. And whenever you're ready.

00:14:18 Speaker_06
I'm Dracula. Bluh, bluh.

00:14:20 Speaker_05
Jared Leto as Dracula. Sorry, Jared. I know you're a big watcher.

00:14:26 Speaker_04
My bad. He's sitting by the phone waiting for that callback, decides to turn on our podcast just to kill the time.

00:14:33 Speaker_05
I hope they get my audition. Uh, anyway, good, good small talk. Good small talk.

00:14:39 Speaker_02
I bet you won't have a ton of people in the subreddit telling you how good Linux is now that you've brought that up, Mark. I bet that won't happen at all.

00:14:48 Speaker_03
I'm sure it won't happen.

00:14:49 Speaker_01
I saw a new picture of the moon. There's some good moon there.

00:14:52 Speaker_04
Speaking of the moon, it's so funny because I made it, you know, I got testy with my own subreddit because they deserved it. And so I made a joke. I made that one comment. Then I made another comment that was kind of forgotten next to it.

00:15:03 Speaker_04
People were like, why do you keep promoting it? I'm like, I will become your A. James McCarthy. I will show you my moon.

00:15:10 Speaker_03
And people really took a liking to it. But now they understand. Now they relate. They relate to why I found that because it's like he pops up so much and you're just like... Tie fighter noises, I know, I feel it. Mark's become what he hates most.

00:15:24 Speaker_05
You are the moon photos in the night. Have you guys heard of Iron Lung and or Edge of Sleep? Watch one of them now.

00:15:31 Speaker_01
The other sometime. I'm giving myself a point for promotion. Promotion point.

00:15:34 Speaker_02
I can't get over that Mark just threw out slaver, slaver, like that's a word and it is a word, but I've never heard that word in my life. I know lots of words. I know the best words and I had never heard that word.

00:15:47 Speaker_03
I had neither. You know what, Mark? You should get so many points for slavering. How do I write this? I don't really want to write this as a slaver point. Slavering. To slaver over. Or slaveror.

00:15:59 Speaker_01
Slavering point. There you go. I put a slavering because I don't want to read it wrong later and be very confused. I think the spelling is the same, isn't it?

00:16:06 Speaker_06
Yeah.

00:16:06 Speaker_01
Kind of weird. Guys, we got a new and original game to play today. As you may already know by the title or not, you two don't, but everyone else now I'd win part two, which is an original concept that's never been done before.

00:16:22 Speaker_03
I remember when you did that the first time.

00:16:25 Speaker_01
Yeah, we don't really consistently have people host their own sequels. I don't know if you all remember Weird, but I'm still a little bit bitter about my Weirds part 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

00:16:33 Speaker_03
I still think you were too. You complained so much that we weren't engaging, and Mark and I engaged the shit out of Weird.

00:16:40 Speaker_01
Yeah, I can't complain anymore. The subreddit also beat that out of me, so.

00:16:43 Speaker_03
We were unbelievably engaged. Unstoppably engaged. To the same extent that the ginger dead man is derisive, we were engaged. You did something. I got a dice.

00:16:56 Speaker_01
I think I've showed this off before.

00:16:57 Speaker_03
It's a very big dice. Is it fair? It is fair. Prove it. Roll a 20. Prove it's fair. Oh my God. Hold on. It actually rolled a 20. No way.

00:17:07 Speaker_04
It's so fair. I don't believe you.

00:17:09 Speaker_05
Can you guys see my phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just took this photo. You see?

00:17:15 Speaker_03
Oh, hey, holy shit. That is very fair. The fairest thing that's ever happened. Possibly.

00:17:22 Speaker_01
I'll probably roll it on the table instead of the floor moving forward because it kind of went farther away than I wanted.

00:17:27 Speaker_02
Yeah, I was thinking that would be really inconvenient if you rolled it on the floor every time.

00:17:31 Speaker_01
So I've got some scenarios set up here. You guys know how this game works. We played it. Basically, you're put in the position of something that is, uh, what was last time?

00:17:39 Speaker_01
There was a mouse facing a cat and the mouse had to overcome long odds to defeat the cat. And you guys would give me, what was it, like one scenario or one sentence? We each got one action at a time. So we're going to continue.

00:17:52 Speaker_01
That's one action or one one sentence, one action that you get to perform. And if that's good enough to win, the dice will tell us. And then I think as it went along, you got bonuses, too, right? The first one was zero. Then the next one gets a plus one.

00:18:04 Speaker_01
So you only need a 19 and so on and so forth. Is that correct?

00:18:06 Speaker_03
Something like that. I mean, it's your game. You should remember the rules. Yeah, Wade. Yeah.

00:18:11 Speaker_01
Yeah, well, first person gets a plus zero, second gets a plus one, so on and so forth. So you need less and less to win.

00:18:17 Speaker_04
But what if we say something that, you know, might not actually help us, but we're being funny about it?

00:18:22 Speaker_01
Well, then the dice will tell us if that funny is real or not. This is out of my hands. This is up to you and the dice gods.

00:18:29 Speaker_04
I wasn't talking about the dice, I was talking about the bonus points.

00:18:31 Speaker_01
You've already got some of those.

00:18:32 Speaker_03
Yeah, Mark, I think he hears you. I think he is. I think he understands. OK, good. He hears me loud and clear.

00:18:38 Speaker_01
I understand. You might earn bonus points along the way, but that's that's between me and my gods. The S is in parentheses. Oh, how does that change it?

00:18:48 Speaker_03
I don't know. So anyway, who wants to go first? Well, Mark, I think I went first last time, so I'll let you go first this time. Interesting, because I'm pretty sure I was a competitor last time. No, this is your game. This is apparently your game.

00:19:02 Speaker_03
I didn't. I don't think I made that claim. I think you made that claim.

00:19:05 Speaker_01
I didn't make that claim.

00:19:06 Speaker_02
Well, you were talking about how last time us guys were doing things and doing and so clearly.

00:19:12 Speaker_03
We, comrade. We.

00:19:14 Speaker_01
Which is a subreddit's favorite joke.

00:19:16 Speaker_03
They do love that.

00:19:17 Speaker_01
Your first scenario, Mark, you're up first as bespoken by Bob. I know you're slavering to go, so let's get to it. I have a splinter. Ow! Well, that's very fitting.

00:19:28 Speaker_01
You should probably clean that out, Mark, because you are a bacteria inside a human body and the blood cells are coming. How will you defeat them? Fascinating.

00:19:39 Speaker_03
Okay, can I ask a question about the context? I think I know where you're going with this and I'm excited about your question. Where in the body am I?

00:19:46 Speaker_01
You go first. You get to set the scene. We'll play it from there. I'm already in the body? You're already inside. The white blood cells are on the way.

00:19:55 Speaker_03
Where is Osmosis Jones in relation to us? Yeah, how far is Osmosis Jones and how rapidly is he approaching our location? on an old Disney movie at this point away. Okay, interesting answer. Uh, you get to decide, man. This is your scenario.

00:20:10 Speaker_03
I laid the groundwork. Alright, so I'm swirling around the circulatory system. And my objective is to kill this body, right?

00:20:18 Speaker_01
Yes, and I remember one more thing here. I think each of you has to repeat what the previous person said as part of the story. Oh, interesting. Not only think I know that for a fact, because this is my game. And therefore, that is part of this.

00:20:32 Speaker_03
So I'm swirling around the circulatory system. I know that they don't know where I am, but also, unfortunately, I don't know where I am. So I'm going to stay, but I do know that eventually I'll make it back to the heart.

00:20:47 Speaker_03
And when I get back to the heart, I am going to try to grab on to the closest thing in the heart and just start warming my bacteria fingers in there and hopefully kill them. All right. Oh, I got to roll the dice. I forgot about that part.

00:21:01 Speaker_03
Oh no, you can just call that that doesn't work. That's fine with me.

00:21:03 Speaker_01
That's my bad. I forgot. Mark's gonna try to grab the heart. Flop this thing around a little bit. Oh God.

00:21:10 Speaker_02
It's a number.

00:21:11 Speaker_01
Triangle of fairness.

00:21:13 Speaker_02
No. No fucking way.

00:21:15 Speaker_03
Oh, come on. No fucking way. No. That's just so fair.

00:21:20 Speaker_04
That's so fair. Oh, it's so fair.

00:21:24 Speaker_05
I want to see where this goes, so I'm going to give Mark the 20 point, but we're going to go on, man.

00:21:31 Speaker_03
No, cuz I was gonna say what I was gonna say is like I go to the heart and I self-destruct and I try to explode I wish I'd said that because then it would have just had a catastrophic chain reaction like the Death Star And the body would have exploded with blood out of every orifice.

00:21:46 Speaker_05
I've rolled 220s in a row and I'm starting to feel like this dice Maybe isn't fair.

00:21:50 Speaker_04
Roll it again. Roll it again. Roll it again.

00:21:51 Speaker_03
Let's see. All right Okay Well, that was supposed to be my roll, so now I get a 20? Maybe.

00:22:00 Speaker_05
Uh, yeah. So, Mark, I gave you a point for that 20 roll, but let's keep going. That was too quick.

00:22:04 Speaker_03
Wait, he's not dead? Wait, no, that's the whole game!

00:22:08 Speaker_05
Mind, it's dead. That's so sad. I was looking forward to this one.

00:22:11 Speaker_03
Damn you, dice! Turns out Wade dropped us into the body of someone with a completely immunocompromised immune system. No defenses whatsoever. Bob, you're a virus in the human body. Oh, okay. It is different.

00:22:27 Speaker_03
If you're playing Plague Inc, those are very different vectors. They're very different.

00:22:31 Speaker_01
They are. They do play different than Plague Inc. All right. Bob, you are Pluto. Okay. The universe is telling you you're not a planet. All the odds are stacked against you. You need to be a planet. How do you get your planet status back?

00:22:45 Speaker_03
Is my goal to kill the universe. Whatever it takes to be a planet is what you need to do. I am Pluto. I am small, but I have moons, which is a very planetary feature.

00:23:02 Speaker_03
I reverse the magnetic poles and slow my rotation somehow because of physics, and I start trying to draw my moons in so that I can accumulate their mass into myself and become bigger. Ooh. Okay, you are sucking in the moons to get bigger.

00:23:22 Speaker_01
If you roll a 20, this is I think a 6 or a 9. I don't know how to tell the difference on this one.

00:23:29 Speaker_02
This is like an important thing to be able to figure out.

00:23:32 Speaker_01
Well, 6 is on the opposite side of 15, right? Do they add up to 21? So I think that's right.

00:23:37 Speaker_02
That would be a 6. I mean, either way, that doesn't really matter. I think those are both pretty much failures.

00:23:42 Speaker_01
Yeah, the six and the nine, neither has like a dot or anything.

00:23:45 Speaker_03
This is a great thing we're using to get our rolls here. It's fine. It's what we used last time and it worked. The moons to you, Mark. All right, so I'm small, but I have moons, which is a very planetary feature.

00:24:01 Speaker_03
So I reverse the polarity of my magnetic fields to pull in the moons and gain their mass, right? I angle, I angle the direction that I am bringing those moons in to eject myself from the orbit. And I'm not going in, I'm going out to the Cooper Belt.

00:24:23 Speaker_03
to gain even more uh agario style katamari damacy i'm going to revolve around slingshotting through the cooper belt getting everything i can hopefully re-entering back in to steal the orbit of one of those other planets i'm not sure which yet but i know that if i dethrone one of them i can be that planet

00:24:46 Speaker_02
Oddly enough, that's literally exactly what I was thinking. Nice, nice. We're all the same wavelength here. I love this.

00:24:52 Speaker_05
Coops to Roxton coming back in.

00:24:53 Speaker_01
That is a 13. Damn.

00:24:56 Speaker_02
Not surprisingly good.

00:24:57 Speaker_03
You needed a 19. Bob, back to you. You now need an 18. I'm small, but I have moons.

00:25:04 Speaker_02
A very planetary feature. I reverse the polarity of my magnetic field and start sucking my moons in.

00:25:11 Speaker_02
I angle the suckage of the moons in so that they actually eject me from my current orbit and throw me into an extremely eccentric orbit that will take me out to the... Also, I don't know who's right.

00:25:24 Speaker_03
I've always said Kuiper Belt. Is it Cooper Belt? It's probably the cap- it's probably- but I said Cooper, and I don't know if that- That will take me out to the Cooper Belt. A lot of guys have belts, could be any of them.

00:25:34 Speaker_03
That I- where I will Agar.io style, Katamari, Dimash-y style, accumulate more mass. What before my highly eccentric orbit comes me, flings me flailing back into the solar system as a big, big boy.

00:25:51 Speaker_03
I have goals and primary goal of my goals, top most of them is to take the place of the most overrated planet in the solar system.

00:26:03 Speaker_02
The one that everyone's talking about all the time, no matter what I am going to knock. Earth down a peg, slash into the sun and take its place.

00:26:15 Speaker_01
Knocking earth into the sun to take its place. So close, Bob. You needed an 18. You got a 17.

00:26:22 Speaker_03
Oh, so almost there.

00:26:25 Speaker_04
Almost there.

00:26:26 Speaker_03
So do I successfully knock the earth into the sun and that doesn't work? Or do I not successfully accomplish that? I'll tell how that story unfolds. Yeah, listen, I'm just the dice roller. Is that how that usually works?

00:26:39 Speaker_05
I roll the dice and you tell me what happens Dungeons and dragons not dungeons and story time come on I mean it did happen because I think mark has to tell it so it does happen all right I'm small, but I have moons which is a very planetary feature

00:26:56 Speaker_03
I reverse the polarity of my magnetic fields to draw those sumbitches in, but I angle them so that they eject me from my orbit into a very eccentric orbit through the Cooper Kuiper belt, where I will gather as much mass, Agario, Katamari, Dimash-y style, and then angle my way back in from my eccentric orbit and hit that upstart son of a bitch

00:27:20 Speaker_03
Earth fuck them. They think they can not name me a planet I was a planet before that any of those little bugs on the surface were ever there I think that's what you meant Bob.

00:27:30 Speaker_03
I think those And so I wang doodle into them pool cue style bing-bop they go sailing I steal their moon and Because I lost Charon and that hurt, but Charon's part of me now. And I aim Earth to go firing into Venus.

00:27:47 Speaker_03
Because if I can knock down another planet at the same time, that increases my chances of being a planet. So Earth that was thrown into the sun, you're also going to hit into Venus on the way? We didn't know that it went into the sun. It was a hope.

00:27:59 Speaker_03
Yeah, that was my intention. Venus is on the way into the sun. It's not wrong. It's going in. It's going in. On its way to the sun, Earth is now going to hit Venus.

00:28:08 Speaker_01
It's taking out Venus help. You need a 17 or higher. Damn.

00:28:13 Speaker_03
That's the same thing I rolled last time. Lucky number 13. Bob? All right.

00:28:18 Speaker_02
I'm Pluto. I'm small, but I have moons. Very planetary. Reverse the magnetic field. Suck the moons in. Angle that sumbitch so that it launches me into a highly eccentric orbit out into the Cooper Kuiper-Cooper belt.

00:28:30 Speaker_03
out there I'm going to accumulate as much mass as I can before my orbit carries me back in to the solar system where I will smash into that upstart pipsqueak son of a bitch earth and throw those little ant douchebags down towards the sun where they belong and on the way I'm angling it so that the earth also smashes into Venus because the more planets I take out the better chance I have of being named a planet.

00:28:54 Speaker_02
I miscalculated a little bit

00:28:57 Speaker_03
I stole the earth's moon and that affected my trajectory and I am now accidentally at a slightly larger further away orbit from the sun than the earth was but during the collision some living creatures that were on earth accidentally transferred over onto the surface of me

00:29:18 Speaker_03
And as their now home planet, I do everything I can to nurture them into evolving into a species that will worship me as the planet they know and love and came into existence upon. I hope you at home can regurgitate all of that. Good luck, Mark.

00:29:37 Speaker_03
All right, Bob, you need a 16 or higher. I've got to get it, Mark. I don't think I got it, Mark.

00:30:00 Speaker_03
Take that Earth, angle it, I go out Cooper Kuiper belt, Bradley Cooper my way to extra mass, angle eccentrically back in towards that fucking piece of shit, goddamn shit stain of a planet Earth, steal their bitch, it's mine now, go hang out with Venus, inhale, push it out of the way, oh, what's this?

00:30:22 Speaker_03
There's things on me. They're growing? I'm going to take care of them. I'm not gonna wash. I'm not gonna bathe. They're gonna love me and despair like Galadriel. But you know what else? You know who is eyeball- giving me the stink eye?

00:30:39 Speaker_03
You know who's giving me the stink eye? Earth's Protector Jupiter. Earth's Protector Jupiter been like, I've been protecting that son of a bitch from every threat, which way? To Tuesday, and he's giving me the stink eye. But you know what?

00:30:50 Speaker_03
I've played games a lot, and I know a weak spot when I see it. This moon? Don't need it. Like an Olympic spinny big rock thrower dude, I take that moon, and I start spinning because the moon's not loyal to me. I don't need it. Slink!

00:31:05 Speaker_03
Right for the big red butthole in Jupiter, and I bullseye it, blast it out another planet down. All right, let's see if that works. You need a 15 or higher? God, I hope that works. Okay, well, this feels feeling very familiar.

00:31:22 Speaker_03
I feel like last time we played this game, I didn't win a single dice roll, if I recall.

00:31:27 Speaker_02
It's shocking about how that works somehow on this show, where somehow it's always the same, no matter how many times I get dice rolled in my favor.

00:31:35 Speaker_01
Don't worry, Bob, this is your time to shine. Got it. Are you ready for your scenario? Do I go first? I am. Oh, yeah. I think it's more just one. Yeah, I guess.

00:31:45 Speaker_03
Mark, you remember Mark one, his very first one on his first move, because the dice that we're rolling is very fair. Yeah, of course. I remember that one happening. Yeah, I definitely didn't forget. Sure. Yeah.

00:31:55 Speaker_03
OK, so it would be Mark's turn again because that's fair.

00:31:57 Speaker_01
Bob, I just want to make sure you're ready. I want you to be on your best. Oh, I'm ready. I'm very ready. Mark, I'm not gonna ask if you're ready. We're just jumping in. Alright. You're an orgasming pig, and a farmer is coming to slaughter you.

00:32:09 Speaker_05
What, male or female pig? Mark is the author of this story. Oh, okay. You have at least 30 minutes.

00:32:17 Speaker_03
Of what, orgasm power? What do you mean, at least 30 minutes? Yeah, the farmer's not gonna kill you during, he's respectful. So what, do I gotta make it last long?

00:32:28 Speaker_05
No, not necessarily, you just have to survive. But you could. Not the orgasm, you have to survive the farmer. The farmer is the threat, the orgasm is just happening. That's the matter, but I thought you were ready.

00:32:44 Speaker_03
Come on, man. What do you even have to think about? The first move's obvious. Okay. All right. All right. Here we go. Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me.

00:32:55 Speaker_04
There I was with Betsy. Oh man, you've seen a pig before, right? Anyway, finish the deed.

00:33:05 Speaker_03
barely three minutes into mid-finish and here I hear Farmer John's boots thundering down the roadway. I know what's up. He fed me oats that morning. I know a trap when I see it. Look down, it's not Betsy. It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket.

00:33:25 Speaker_04
Fool on me, right? Well, anyway, I know that he's very polite.

00:33:31 Speaker_03
He'll make sure that I get to enjoy myself before my bitter bitter end. Well, two can play at that game. I see a pail of milk that he left out. Fool he is.

00:33:44 Speaker_03
I've got a bucket full of fraud that's gonna keep this going all night long, so long as he sees some white fluid. Occurring. He's not gonna kill me because he thinks I'm not done yet!

00:34:00 Speaker_05
Take that bucket, stealthily slide it under me, and I just take a hoof and I go... For hours. Bob, I hope you remember. I don't know if I've ever hoped for a 20 more in my life, but I'm hoping for it right now.

00:34:24 Speaker_03
Mark I you better hope to God doesn't come back to you Dear Pet House Forum, I never thought this would happen to me there. I am with Bessie. You've seen a pig, right?

00:34:40 Speaker_03
Anyway, here I am, not three minutes into finishing, but I hear Farmer What's-His-Face's boots come slamming down the roadway. I know what that means. He fed me oats this morning. I know what that means. I look down, and it's not even Bessie.

00:34:57 Speaker_03
It's just a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket. It's okay, though, because the farmer's very polite. He would not dare slaughter me until I'm finished finishing. when I wield my most deadly weapon as a pig.

00:35:11 Speaker_03
Oh, you know, my diarrhea that I can't stop from coming out violently. And so I just, just jump all over him and just try and smother him with shit and see if I can hold him down and drown him in my own shit. Thank you for keeping that succinct, boy.

00:35:30 Speaker_03
Let's roll the second dice. God, I hope I don't get a 19.

00:35:38 Speaker_02
Oh no!

00:35:38 Speaker_03
It's Mark's turn! I can't believe you remembered every single detail!

00:35:45 Speaker_05
Except for Farmer John's name!

00:35:47 Speaker_03
Yeah, whatever the fuck his name was, I don't care. Don't make me say it again.

00:35:53 Speaker_05
I'm sorry man, the dice spoke.

00:35:55 Speaker_03
It's mostly your own bullshit! I didn't know. Alright.

00:36:00 Speaker_04
Dear Panhouse Florida, never thought it would happen to me. There I was with Betsy. You know a pig, right? Three minutes into finishing, I hear Farmer What's-His-Name's boot come thundering out the way, and I know what's up.

00:36:16 Speaker_04
He fed me oats this morning, so I know what the game is, and I look down. It's not even It's a fucking bale of hay wrapped in a blanket. But I know he's polite, right? I know he's polite. I feel bad, ashamed, tricked. He's very polite.

00:36:28 Speaker_04
He won't finish me before I'm finished finishing. So I look around with as stealth as I can, see a bucket of milk, drag it under me. I go like, ah, one white substance as good as another. Dip my hoof in and go, ugh.

00:36:41 Speaker_04
And then while he's standing there watching kind of weird, but you know, we're in this I think he would know pig brain and I'm like, ah, I have the ultimate plan It took me half that bucket to to to think of this plan.

00:36:53 Speaker_04
I feign a heart attack I know he's a sympathetic sort.

00:36:57 Speaker_03
He fed me oats He made Betsy I guess and he would he would not dare kill me if I'm already dying shake the milk off my hoof I lay down and go Like, I got a heart attack, right? Surprise! Poop attack! I jump on him, he gets close, diarrhea all over us.

00:37:11 Speaker_04
The only tool I got left, I have very few fluids left in my body, but I decide to shit all over him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget.

00:37:20 Speaker_04
And while he is flailing from all the poop, I grab Betsy, for later, and grab his shovel that he dropped, and then in my... I do one of these.

00:37:32 Speaker_03
Swing with both. It's not really like a swing. It's more like a yeah, I tried to decapitate him Okay, wait, you can end this what that was the third one.

00:37:41 Speaker_05
I needed 18 or higher

00:37:44 Speaker_03
That's definitely gonna happen. We haven't wasted a bunch of 20s on goofing around eight. Hey teen No, Bob, do you?

00:37:53 Speaker_03
dare pet house for There I am with Betsy not three minutes into finishing when I hear farmer What's-his-face's boots come slamming down the drive and I look down and it's not even Betsy

00:38:08 Speaker_02
It's just a bale of hay with a blanket wrapped around it. I know what's happening. He fed me oats this morning. I know what's happening. But he wouldn't dare kill me before I finish finishing. He's a polite sort.

00:38:20 Speaker_02
And as I'm finishing, I look around and I see that he left a bucket of milk out and I grabbed that and I slide it under and he has no idea. I'm going to be finishing for hours.

00:38:32 Speaker_03
I take my hoof and I dip it in the milk and I go,

00:38:37 Speaker_03
As I'm finishing repeatedly I get about halfway through the bucket of milk before I realize I need to find another way out And he's a sympathetic man, so if I pretend to have a heart attack He'll probably come check on me and his guard will be down and so I Wipe the milk off my hoof and I lay over on my side, and I go

00:38:56 Speaker_02
Like I'm having a heart attack and the farmer comes in and drops a shovel behind him and he's checking on me and as he leans over to check on me, I jump up on him and start shitting everywhere.

00:39:05 Speaker_03
And as my shit attack is panning out, I realized this is probably not enough to finish the job. So I reached back and I grabbed Bessie and then I lunge off the shit covered farmer and pick up the shovel that he had.

00:39:17 Speaker_03
I don't have fingers, so I kind of have it in both arms and I go, and I try and decapitate him, and that doesn't work, but at this point, I've got an opening.

00:39:26 Speaker_03
He left a gate open, and so me and Bessie hightail it out the gate, and just on the other side of the path that the farmer just walked out to come slaughter me is the tractor, and I've seen this man operate the tractor hundreds of times, so I know what to do.

00:39:43 Speaker_03
I set Bessie down by the pedals, and I say, when I say the word, you floor it, and I climb up top. Then I push buttons until that son of a bitch rumbles into life, and then I pull on some levers, and then I look down at Bessie and I yell, FOR IT!

00:39:59 Speaker_03
And I aim it right at the farmer laying in my shit pile.

00:40:02 Speaker_05
Alright, it takes five minutes to recap this.

00:40:10 Speaker_03
Bob, you need a 17. Oh man, I really hope for Mark's sake we get there. Oh, that's almost a 17.

00:40:21 Speaker_05
It really wanted to stop on the 19 there, but it stopped at the 12.

00:40:25 Speaker_03
You can start abridging things, I think, Mark. We're accumulating a lot of stuff. Dear Penthouse Forum, you've heard this story before. Me, Betsy, you know pigs.

00:40:34 Speaker_04
Anyway, three minutes in Farmer John's coming. I'm not done coming here, but I look down. I did a fucking trick again again It's a pile of hay in a blanket. Anyway, he comes in. He's looking at me.

00:40:47 Speaker_04
I know he likes to watch I'm not about that, but he fed me oats this morning. So I know he's plays gonna wait till I finish I Stealthily put the bucket of milk under me dip my paw and go. Oh I can keep that up for hours. Gives me enough time to think.

00:41:00 Speaker_04
Ah, heart attack. I've done it before. I'll do it again. Shake my hoof off. Dumb idea. He comes over. Boob attack.

00:41:07 Speaker_03
Right in his eyes. Blast him. Grab Betsy. Grab his shovel.

00:41:12 Speaker_03
tornado attack didn't work i throw the shovel away grab betsy again drag out to the outside where there's a tractor i've seen the farmer use a tractor before i throw betsy up by the gas pedal i say when i say floor it do it i push buttons i pull levers get that thing rumbling point it right towards where that farmer's shaking in my shit pile i say floor it

00:41:35 Speaker_03
And I remember, Betsy's a pile of hay, can't really do that. I scramble. I'm like, shit, I'm on the other side of the tractor! It's already going, she's gonna blow if I don't divert power to the engine, or the wheels.

00:41:46 Speaker_03
So I dive for the gas pedal, push Betsy, unfortunately, out of the window, and I see Betsy tumble right under the tractor thresher blades. No! She was a pile of hay. She actually reformed back into a bale.

00:42:02 Speaker_03
The blanket perfectly back all the way on the other side. Actually better than before.

00:42:06 Speaker_04
After what I had done to that pile of hay.

00:42:08 Speaker_03
It was not in the correct shape anymore. Betsy's behind me. I hit the gas pedal. Try again. Alright. I think you need a 16.

00:42:16 Speaker_04
Alright, I rig it to self-destruct and then I dive off with Betsy if you want something a little different.

00:42:20 Speaker_03
No, I like that. I just don't know if it's gonna work. Please? I can't believe it happened to me. I was fancy about three minutes in the farmer. What's his face. He fed me oats. I know what that means. He fed me oats. I know what that means again.

00:42:45 Speaker_03
Best is not even a pig, it's a bale of hay with a blanket. What the shit, tricked again. Farmer gets there, I know he likes to watch, I'm not into that. But he's too polite, he won't kill me till I'm done finishing. And I look around, a bucket of milk.

00:42:57 Speaker_03
Obviously, milk equals jizz. With the milk underneath me, I take my hoof and... I can do this for hours, and I do. And about halfway through the bucket of milk, I realize he's too polite. If I pretend a heart attack, he'll get worried and come to help.

00:43:12 Speaker_03
So I clean the milk off my hoof and then he comes in and he's all bending down. And that's when shit attack and I shit all over him, especially his face. And he's writhing around.

00:43:22 Speaker_03
And then I use that opportunity to go behind him and pick up a shovel that he dropped. And I also, I brought Bessie with me. Don't forget that. And I try and tornado attack.

00:43:30 Speaker_03
And then the shovel doesn't do nothing, because I'm a pig, and then I'm like, oh, and I run over to the tractor that's parked over across the way, and I toss Bessie by the pedals, and I'm like, when I say the word, you floor it!

00:43:39 Speaker_03
And then I climb up, and I push buttons, and I pull levers, and it rumbles to life, and then I yell down at Bessie, floor it! And nothing happens, because Bessie's a pile of hay.

00:43:46 Speaker_03
So I jumped out, and I chuck Bessie out the window, and she unfortunately falls into the thresher blades of the tractor.

00:43:52 Speaker_03
But it's okay, because she's made of hay, so she reformed perfectly into the exact same bill of hay on the back side of the tractor. And the blanket's wrapped around her, she's even better, because she's not all beat up by a mean fuckner.

00:44:01 Speaker_03
And then I floor it right over to the farmer, but then I realize that the wall of my pen is made of stone, so the tractor just goes right into the stone wall, and then, doink, and nothing.

00:44:12 Speaker_03
And at that point, I realize the farmer always keeps a loaded, cocked, ready-to-go shotgun hanging on the back wall of the cab of the tractor.

00:44:20 Speaker_03
And even though I don't have fingers, I could probably get that thing down close enough to him and then trigger it with something. So I'm like, I'll shoot him in his stupid face.

00:44:28 Speaker_03
So I get the gun out of the tractor and I lay it down, sort of aimed it, and I try to pull the trigger and kill him with the shotgun.

00:44:36 Speaker_05
All right, 15 or higher.

00:44:39 Speaker_06
All right

00:44:49 Speaker_04
I don't have a lot of time. I'm 29 minutes into a 30 minute orgasm when I hear his footsteps coming by. Farmer wants to name a good killer. He fed me oats this morning. Real nice guy, but I know what's up. I don't have long left.

00:45:00 Speaker_04
Dragged a bulk of milk under me. Started spewing out milk. He can't tell the difference. He's half blind anyway. I was half blind. Look down Betsy's pile. Hey, in a blanket. Don't have a lot of time. It was great until it wasn't.

00:45:10 Speaker_04
Truffling that out, and then I realize I need to do a heart attack. Gah! Shake off my paw at the same time. Fall over, roll down, he's so nice. Comes over real close, right within shitting distance.

00:45:21 Speaker_03
Shit in his eyes! Grab Betsy, grab his shovel, try to swing his cap, didn't work, too low to the ground. I go outside, where his tractor is, and I know that, yeah, I've seen him use it before.

00:45:30 Speaker_03
Throw Betsy up by the gas pedal, I say, like, when I tell you to floor it, you floor it! I start pushin' buttons, pullin' levers, and I get it lined up, engine's rumblin', I go, Betsy, FLORY!

00:45:39 Speaker_03
Duh, pile of hay, straight out the window, she goes in and thresh her blades, NO! And then she reforms into a pile of hay, pre-fucked, with a blanket still on it, it's great, save that for later.

00:45:47 Speaker_04
I aim the tractor right at Farmer John, where he's twitchin' in my shit pile, I hit buttons, I gun it, no, bounces off, doink, right out of the barn.

00:45:54 Speaker_04
Then I look back, that doinks threw a shotgun down off the wall, oh shit, that's great, grab the shotgun, I think I can get this kid in my mouth, go over, try to shoot him in his stupid face, Boink!

00:46:04 Speaker_03
Blank! Fuck! He's so nice! He just had blanks in his shotgun! He wasn't gonna kill me at all! Maybe he wasn't gonna kill me! I apologize. I say, hey, bro, maybe I misread the whole situation. Can you please forgive me? You did right by me by that hay bale.

00:46:22 Speaker_04
I'm not gonna lie. Couldn't tell the difference. Why don't we just put all this behind us? Pal? Pal? I put my just covered puff out there for him to shake. Pal? Buddy? You need a 14?

00:46:35 Speaker_03
Oh, no. All right. Oh, new strategy. I'm going to try and get to the part where I add new stuff in one breath. OK. All right.

00:46:47 Speaker_02
Dear Penthouse Forum, I can't believe it happened to me. I'm here with Bessie. Three minutes in, the farmer starts walking down the path. I look down. It's not Bessie. It's a bale of hail with a blanket wrapped around it.

00:46:53 Speaker_02
The farmer's gonna kill me, but he's gonna wait till I'm done finishing.

00:46:55 Speaker_03
Oh, why is this making it harder to remember? Ah, fucking shit. All right, well, the breath thing was my own rule. Anyway, he's not gonna kill me till I'm done finishing.

00:47:02 Speaker_02
And I see a bucket of milk, and I'm like, ah! And then I dip my hoof in, and I'm like... And he's standing there watching, and halfway through the bucket of milk, I'm like, if I fade in a heart attack, and then...

00:47:10 Speaker_03
And then he comes in, and he's so worried, and I'm like, ah! And I grab Bessie, I grab the shovel, and I tornado attack! Nothing happens, because I'm fake. Then I go outside, and there's a tractor. I throw Bessie by the pedals, and I start the tractor.

00:47:19 Speaker_03
I push the buttons, and I pull the levers, and I'm like, Bessie, floor it! And she doesn't do it, because she's pilot. I throw her out. Thresher blade! Ah! She's fine! Whoa! She's leaving hotter than before! Woo!

00:47:28 Speaker_03
And I floor it, and the tractor hits the wall and just doink, but because of the doink, there's a shotgun and it falls right down. I'm like, ooh, and I get shotgun in my mouth, and I go and I shoot it, and it's a blank, because the farmer's so nice.

00:47:40 Speaker_03
And I'm like, oh, this guy's so nice. I stick my chest paw out, and I'm like, hey, can you forgive me? Hey, hey, buddies, pals. And he looks me through his shit-covered eyes, and he grimaces, and he says, I'm going to eat you myself.

00:47:55 Speaker_03
and I look around frantically because I realize he's not going to forgive me and there's an oil lamp hanging on the barn up in the rafters of the barn and I'm like well I don't know if I'll make it out but maybe we'll both die you son of a bitch and I jump up and I smash

00:48:12 Speaker_03
the oil lamp so that it bursts into a huge thing of flame and the entire barn is engulfed in a conflagration of flame because it's all filled with hay and all kinds of flammable shit and the farmers laying there still trying to get his berries back from the shit and I stare into his eyes as he realizes that he's gonna die and it's all my fault.

00:48:31 Speaker_05
You need a 13. Oh good. We've not rolled higher than a six in a while, we're doomed.

00:48:36 Speaker_02
Just say it was a 13. It's an 11. Oh, for fuck's sake.

00:48:41 Speaker_05
Mark, you need a 12. Oh, fuck you, man.

00:48:44 Speaker_03
Three hour episode of mostly just this one thing. Your penis form, I never imagined it would happen to me. You know Betsy, right? Well, anyway, three minutes into IU, 30 minute orgasm. I hear Farmer John, he's coming my way.

00:48:55 Speaker_03
Aw shit, oats this morning, I shouldn't have known, he's gonna kill me, look down, I thought he was Betsy's, I hate bailing and planking.

00:49:00 Speaker_04
I say, fuck, grab a bucket of milk that he forgot, pull it under me, start slinging around. He walks in, loves to watch, he sees me slinging around, he's like, oh, I better wait till he finishes, he's so nice, he's so god damn polite.

00:49:10 Speaker_04
Anyway, I get a lot of thinking time in as I'm flinging going, ugh, ah, and then I realize, ah, if I fake a heart attack, he's so nice, he's not gonna kill me if I'm already dying, he might think something's wrong with me, go over, ugh.

00:49:20 Speaker_04
shake my oof off with milk.

00:49:22 Speaker_04
He comes over real close, shit in his eyes, he falls down, grab Betsy, grab the shovel, try to tornado attack him, doesn't work, go out to the tractor, throw him up by the pedals, I start pulling off a bunch of letters, it fires alive, I go, FOR IT!

00:49:33 Speaker_04
She's a bale of hay. I throw her out the window, she goes into the thresher blades, I go, NO! And then she's even hotter than before when she comes out the other side with the blanket still on it. Man, that was a good blanket.

00:49:42 Speaker_04
I hit the gas pedal, bounce off the wall, boink, oh, shotgun falls down, I grab it in my mouth, I go over there, I'm like, I'm gonna blow you away, you son of a bitch, click, bang, it's a blank. This guy was so goddamn nice.

00:49:52 Speaker_04
I stick out my milk-covered, jizz-covered, shit-covered paw, and I go like, pal.

00:49:56 Speaker_03
He says no, I like, well, fuck you then, anyway, he was gonna eat me himself. He says I grab the lantern from up on high, I dive bomb into it, I dive up bomb into it, I headbutt it. Blast into a fireball conflagration.

00:50:11 Speaker_03
It takes the whole barn covered in hay everywhere wood beams. I say like Take you with me or something.

00:50:17 Speaker_03
I said something cool in that it was in the moment I can't remember right now and then as we're all burning and we're in there he rises from the embers He's half, you know V for Vendetta when he stood out of the ashes everything went.

00:50:30 Speaker_03
That's what he did right then and there. He's naked too. Well, I mean, I'm naked too, but I'm a pig, but that's okay. And then I see behind him, Betsy Betsy there. She's walking into the flames right behind him.

00:50:39 Speaker_03
He doesn't see he's he's too busy screaming about to kill me removes the blanket off of herself wraps

00:50:45 Speaker_03
him and her in the blanket i'm like oh my bacon sizzling but she's sacrificing herself to take this guy down once and for all because a blanket's gonna seal them both up they will both burn and i might live but he will die and i might die

00:51:00 Speaker_01
I have a clarifying question. Is Betsy at this point still just a pile of hay?

00:51:04 Speaker_03
It's a bale of hay with a blanket.

00:51:05 Speaker_01
Oh, yeah.

00:51:05 Speaker_03
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay. All right. You need a 12. Bob, you're up. It's a three.

00:51:11 Speaker_05
That dice is so bullshit. Bob, you have a 50% chance.

00:51:16 Speaker_03
Dear Pet House Forum, I can't believe I happen to be with Bessie. I looked out. You know a pig. Three minutes in, the farmer starts walking down. I looked out again. Bessie's made a hay. Oh no, farmer comes down. He fed me oats.

00:51:29 Speaker_03
I know what that means, but he's gonna wait to kill me until I finish finishing.

00:51:32 Speaker_02
Oh man, I'm starting to lose bits of it.

00:51:35 Speaker_03
And I'm like, well, I could finish forever. I see a bucket of milk.

00:51:38 Speaker_02
I slide that between my legs. I dip my hoof in and I start going.

00:51:41 Speaker_03
And I'm doing that for hours, and about halfway through the bucket of milk, I'm like, oh, fake heart attack. And then I shake the milk off my hoof, and I'm like, and he comes in because he's stupid. And he looks at me.

00:51:50 Speaker_03
And as he's bending over, he guards down. I jump all over and I shit all over him. And that doesn't kill him. I don't know why it would. And I grab the Bessie, and I grab the shovel, and a tornado attack. And that doesn't do anything.

00:51:59 Speaker_03
And I grab Bessie, and I'm like, ah, tractor. And I chuck her up by the pedals, and I pull on levers and push buttons, and rumbles to life. And I aim it at the farmer, and I'm like, Florida! Nothing happens. Bale of hay. I chuck her out.

00:52:09 Speaker_03
She goes into the thresher. Nothing happens. Bale of hay, but sexy. And then I floor it and get it! Doink! I hit the wall. Farmer not dead. Shotgun falls in. I grab the shotgun and I'm like, oh, I'll kill him. And I'm like, bang! Oh, it's a blank.

00:52:21 Speaker_03
Oh, he's so nice. I stick out my jizz, mud, shit, milk covered hoof and I'm like, friends?

00:52:27 Speaker_02
And he's like, I'll fucking eat you.

00:52:28 Speaker_03
And I'm like, oh! Then we'll both die!" And I smash the oil lamp and it bursts into a conflagration and the whole barn's going up because it's filled with hay and shit. And I'm looking around and he's not dying and I'm like, ooh, I'm sizzling.

00:52:42 Speaker_03
And then I see Bessie jump into action and jump on the farmer and wraps her hay bale arms around him in the blanket and seals him up tight and then turns him into a hot pocket and gonna cook in the barn. And I'm like, oh, he's definitely dead now.

00:52:59 Speaker_03
I'll get the rest of my revenge on his family. And I go hop in the tractor and drive up towards the farmhouse. Then as the tractor is floored right at the farmhouse, I find another oil lamp, because it's an old tractor.

00:53:11 Speaker_03
Then I smash the oil lamp all over the outside of the tractor. And now it's a big rolling fireball. And it crashes into the farmhouse to kill the rest of his family. You need an 11-rider.

00:53:25 Speaker_05
Please. Please. Please. Please. You did it.

00:53:38 Speaker_04
Oh, the curse has been broken.

00:53:42 Speaker_03
Welcome to my side of the dice roll, Mark, where you never win and it only gets worse.

00:53:47 Speaker_04
That was quite a battle. Many phases.

00:53:51 Speaker_03
What was the first thing that happened when you did it? Bacteria. I was so excited for the bacteria.

00:53:57 Speaker_05
I was like, man, we're going to start out strong. We had the shortest and longest Nye win all in this episode. You guys remember Pluto? That was fun.

00:54:06 Speaker_05
very planetary feature going through the points here bob i'll start with you oh bob you got a point for your points for tiny car ace ventura embarrassed pig recollection milk equal jizz feel me out feel me oh something oats times three feed me oats

00:54:25 Speaker_05
Yeah, you kept saying he fed me oats, and then he fed me- I found it really funny. It made me laugh.

00:54:29 Speaker_03
Yeah, I know what that means. He fed me oats. I know what that means. He fed me oats.

00:54:33 Speaker_01
One breath fail. Clough. Not Paul. KILL HIS FAMILY! And you rolled a 15 for the win.

00:54:40 Speaker_03
All the stuff in between the one breath recollection and the end did nothing. There's a lot of points there. See, Bob, your problem is you get too many funnies too quickly.

00:54:52 Speaker_04
He can't keep track of them all. I try to ration my funnies like a pig's orgasm. I just draw it out.

00:54:58 Speaker_01
Mark, you got points for 122 terabytes. Cubes, made cry, slavering, 20 wins bacteria, Pluto 15, roll to 16. Betsy's hay, bye-bye Betsy. Jizz paws.

00:55:17 Speaker_03
Because you changed the hoof to a pawl halfway through? I feel better about the things I got points for now, I guess.

00:55:23 Speaker_05
How come no one got a point for FLOORING?!

00:55:26 Speaker_03
I don't know.

00:55:27 Speaker_05
I was probably too busy actually laughing at that point. OH NO! There was a point, Bob, where you were talking and I think Mark and I were just fucking dying. We were laughing so hard.

00:55:37 Speaker_04
Oh my god. I, like, the first recollection you did, Bob, I couldn't believe you remembered every fucking detail.

00:55:42 Speaker_03
That's the game! Nah, whatever the fuck his name was. Bob, you finished with 10 points. Mark, you finished with 9 points, making Bob the winner. That's fair.

00:55:53 Speaker_04
I... I... Oh, a fucking ghost rider pig with a tractor going up.

00:55:58 Speaker_05
One of the kids look out the window like, Mommy, I see him! The sun's rising again. Years later, one of the survivors is reading Penthouse and they see where this was written in.

00:56:09 Speaker_04
And they thought the pig died when it rolled over the house, and then it's like, oh no, that means, looks behind, fire starts looming at the pig in the doorway.

00:56:18 Speaker_03
Yeah, Bob, you won, so you get to give a winner speech. Yay, dice rolls.

00:56:22 Speaker_02
It always feels good to win, and it feels even better to win when I earned it.

00:56:29 Speaker_02
that was the first one i mean we haven't done this a lot that's the first time we played a game like that where it got so long i actually was struggling to remember a lot of it by the end there i just some details definitely started to disappear from my recollections yeah uh mark loser speech

00:56:45 Speaker_04
I think if I could remember Korean vocabulary as well as I remember these stories, I think it just goes to show that if you want to remember anything, start weaving the most absurd tale you possibly can and you will remember it.

00:57:00 Speaker_04
You will remember it. But you know, I think that as great a start I gave the pig one, or cursed. Bob really took it home with that one. He had some great contributions, some real vengeful ideas, and I concede the victory to Bob for that.

00:57:17 Speaker_04
That was well, well, well won. I almost died laughing. There was a point where I couldn't breathe.

00:57:23 Speaker_05
Cannot disagree with you there. I also felt like that was happening at one point. But good episode, boys.

00:57:27 Speaker_01
Thank you all for watching. If you haven't already, go follow Bob at MySkirm, Mark at Markiplier, me at Minion777 or LordMinion777. Stay tuned for the next one, where Bob will host and who knows what we'll do. Until then, podcast out. Oh, merch.

00:57:39 Speaker_01
RectableStore.com. Podcast really out.