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Episode: "Kieran Culkin"

Author: Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett
Duration: 01:00:17

Episode Shownotes

Let it cascade; it’s Kieran Culkin. Acting, not-acting, Jazz, meat, and no hobbies. All this could be yours. Welcome to SmartLess. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

Full Transcript

00:00:06 Speaker_01
Guys, welcome to today's podcast. How are you both feeling? Does somebody have a gun to your head? Yeah, well, it's just out of frame. It's not so much a gun as a crossbow. I've never seen this. A crossbow. Have you ever shot a crossbow? No. Did I blow it?

00:00:27 Speaker_01
Welcome to Smartless.

00:00:49 Speaker_05
Surprise guests, give us a little snap or a clap, please. There we go. Oh, wow. We are rolling.

00:00:53 Speaker_03
The firecracker.

00:00:58 Speaker_05
Hi.

00:00:59 Speaker_03
Hi. Hi.

00:01:00 Speaker_05
How are you guys? How are you?

00:01:02 Speaker_03
Can I just dive right in? Yeah, do you mind? Oh, you have some prepared material? Go ahead. I don't know. I have prepared material. Guys, I was in the fucking ER again last night. Here's why. Here's why. I had a kidney stone.

00:01:14 Speaker_03
I thought I was having appendicitis or something. So I had a kidney stone and so I haven't been to bed yet.

00:01:21 Speaker_01
Why did you not cancel this record? No, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm actually in a good way. Buddy, that would have been such a quick text from me.

00:01:31 Speaker_03
I hear that's the most painful thing in the world. You can't even know. I haven't had one in years and years.

00:01:36 Speaker_05
So you had one out or you had one put in?

00:01:40 Speaker_03
I had one. So the pain was excruciating. I'm like... It was awful.

00:01:47 Speaker_01
Can you tell me where it hurts? Is it in the tinky or is it in the kidney?

00:01:50 Speaker_03
I'm gonna say the kidney. No, it's in your side. Yeah, I'm gonna say it's in your kidney. And then I'm still a little bit on morphine. I still like have a... Oh, that's kind of fun. That is kind of fun.

00:02:02 Speaker_05
Wait a second. I've never had. So, Shani, so you're in the hospital last week or whenever it was for a couple of times in a night. Like a month ago, yeah. Right, twice in that one night and then... Yeah, yeah. And then this.

00:02:13 Speaker_05
And then you're back and then you get the full scope thing that you went and had done and then you have this. And my question to you is this. Yes, yeah, yeah.

00:02:20 Speaker_05
Are you paying so much attention to your well-being and your condition that you're... You know what I mean? What do you mean? No.

00:02:29 Speaker_01
That was a half a sentence.

00:02:31 Speaker_05
Yeah. That because you're so, I'm not saying that the experience, is it real?

00:02:36 Speaker_03
Oh, well, yeah, it's a fucking kidney stone.

00:02:39 Speaker_05
Obviously it's real, but there is a lot of attention paid to your health and to your condition at all times.

00:02:45 Speaker_01
You're saying, is he potentially creating some of this stuff by having such a close look at it? Because I'm psychosomatic?

00:02:53 Speaker_05
I should have prefaced it by saying I'm not a doctor, and I think that you guys know that. But you're on morphine too, so... Yeah, I am.

00:02:59 Speaker_03
And also not from a doctor. No, but it's like a cycle, I know what you mean, but it's a cycle because if something happens to me, then I fear that, I don't want that thing to happen again.

00:03:06 Speaker_05
I'm not saying it's psychosomatic, but I am suggesting that maybe you spend so much time and energy thinking about your health and your own condition.

00:03:16 Speaker_05
that if you were to think about other things or other people, and you do think about other people, you're a very thoughtful person, but I wonder, do you know what I mean?

00:03:24 Speaker_01
Again, I don't know, people are going to... But he's being careless with the food that he eats, you know, so that's sort of like keeping his eye off the ball and being sort of lax. That is true.

00:03:34 Speaker_05
It's surprising for somebody who's so concerned with their health, because you are quite on top of it.

00:03:37 Speaker_03
You should start smoking and, you know... Well, yeah, like me.

00:03:42 Speaker_03
You know what though, I was lying there, I just had like bed head and I have these scabs on my ankles and I had this IV in my arm and I looked at Scotty and I go... I looked at Scotty and I go, all this could be yours.

00:03:56 Speaker_01
Can I ask you about where the scabs from the ankles came from?

00:04:00 Speaker_03
Not to see them, just where they came from. I don't know. They just, like, I don't know. Just dry skin or whatever.

00:04:07 Speaker_05
Wait, so now you've just got, like, old man scabs? Yeah.

00:04:09 Speaker_01
Yeah, he's got old man scabs.

00:04:11 Speaker_05
I know. Sean, I keep, I imagine walking into the gym, at Sean Jim, walking into the men's locker room, and he's got a hairdryer to his nutsack. He's one of those guys. And you're like, fuck, man.

00:04:24 Speaker_00
Morning.

00:04:25 Speaker_05
Dude, how you doing? You're like, fucking dude. These fuckers won't drive.

00:04:31 Speaker_03
What are you? That's funny. By the way, Jay, I switched the Nutcracker to the 21st if you want to go.

00:04:37 Speaker_01
Oh, you did?

00:04:37 Speaker_03
Okay, great. And Willie, please come if you want to. I'm going to be back in New York. Okay. And Jay, we're going anyway, so if you can go, great. If not, we'll do something else.

00:04:46 Speaker_05
Jay, are you going to be just you or are you going to bring your Nutcracker with you?

00:04:50 Speaker_00
No, she'll be there.

00:04:54 Speaker_01
It's just a great, it's a great, it's a great blow to the coffee chat. And here comes our guest.

00:05:01 Speaker_05
Wait a second. I just want to say one more thing. I was just thinking about this and I, and I, obviously I smoke from time to time and people don't smoke. I feel like I'm a world-class smoker.

00:05:11 Speaker_01
Yeah, you're great at it. You are. I really do. And I feel like- You never smell like cigarettes. You don't smoke a pack a day. Thank you. Thank you very much.

00:05:18 Speaker_05
I've said they're gonna play this clip at my, you know, TMZ will play this clip. But it should be noted.

00:05:26 Speaker_01
It's fine. It's so great, isn't it? It's a hard thing to beat. Although, you know, when I quit, they didn't have the vapes and the gums and the stickers and shit. So there are things to replace it now. Yeah. There are things to replace it. You know what?

00:05:42 Speaker_01
You're gonna hit, you got a lot of shit and you're, you'll get to it when you want to get to it. Yeah, but no. No one's pushing you. I know.

00:05:48 Speaker_03
There are things to replace it, but there's nothing to replace our guest. Oh, great show. You don't even know who our fucking guest is, but you're actually right though. Let Morphine Molly go.

00:05:56 Speaker_05
By the way, did you know I was about to say that? You could tell. No, no. But one of my sort of cheap segues. By the way, I did move today from where I'm doing the podcast because I wanted to be a little bit cheerier. Oh, okay, good.

00:06:10 Speaker_01
Oh, yeah, yeah, you used to be in the Whisper booth, now you're in your office.

00:06:13 Speaker_05
Now I'm in my office just because I wanted to be in the, yeah, I wasn't in the Jack show. I forgot about my Jack Shack. Remember the Jack Shack? The guru. I think it's the Jack Shack is covered in cobwebs. I think they're cobwebs. Okay. But you are right.

00:06:30 Speaker_05
You are right that our guest today cannot be replaced and certainly won't be forgotten. I don't know why we even begin to forget because this person is so alive and vibrant right now and has been for a long time. Snaps and clicks.

00:06:43 Speaker_00
You'll like this.

00:06:44 Speaker_05
They were really good. Those are the mark of, those are the kind of snaps and clicks of somebody who has confidence, the confidence of longevity in doing what they do. And I tell you somebody who loves longevity is old JB. Yeah.

00:06:57 Speaker_05
And you're gonna love this guy because you have a lot, you have certain things in common in that both of you have been performing since you were really, really young. On a professional level.

00:07:07 Speaker_05
And I love guests like this and particularly love this guest whom I do not know because they are so fucking talented. Kurt Russell. And funny and cool and smart. It's not Kurt Russell. but this person has been nominated for... Shirley MacLaine.

00:07:20 Speaker_05
...and won Emmys, Golden Globes, everything. You can't even imagine the number of films... Sally Struthers. You know him from Igby Goes Down. You know him from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Michael Cera. No, it's not Michael Cera. Edgar Wright.

00:07:37 Speaker_05
No, you also know him from Soderbergh's No Sudden Move, but you're really gonna know him really, really, really, really, really well from his new film, A Real Pain, but also mostly... Jesse Eisenberg. Succession. Kieran Culkin. It's Kieran Culkin.

00:07:52 Speaker_05
Goddammit, finally got it. Bateman, you ruined the intro when it's just constant guessing. Sally Struthers was close, though.

00:08:02 Speaker_08
Sally Struthers was not a bad guess. That was very close. That was not. Shirley MacLaine was pretty close, too. Yeah. Oh, Karen, I'm so happy to see you there. It's crazy. This is really exciting for me. This is one of my favorite shows.

00:08:15 Speaker_05
This has been a long time coming. We had a few times where we were going to have Kieran on, and then we couldn't for various reasons that we won't get into. Oh, this is Kieran. Yes.

00:08:24 Speaker_08
And look, I canceled for bullshit like a month ago, and Sean, you didn't even cancel. You were in the emergency room? Yeah.

00:08:30 Speaker_01
What, Jay? What were you going to say? I just wanted to frame up the 90-second delay on Sean there going, Oh, yes, it's Kieran. Just then. Fucking morphine is strong, right?

00:08:46 Speaker_03
No, no, because I remember he was supposed to be on... I didn't know who it was, but you must have been that guest that week that had an issue. Yes, yes.

00:08:53 Speaker_08
Yeah, mine was not kidney stones.

00:08:56 Speaker_05
But it was beyond his control. Have you ever had a kidney stone or have you ever seen one?

00:09:00 Speaker_08
No, to me, that's my biggest nightmare.

00:09:02 Speaker_03
But I thought, like you said, I thought the pain came from the pee-pee, not the... No, it starts in your back in the kidney, that's why it's a kidney stone, and then it works its way through to the bladder.

00:09:11 Speaker_03
And now it's out, so it's sitting in my bladder, so I have another painful thing coming when I pee it out.

00:09:16 Speaker_02
No, no, no.

00:09:16 Speaker_03
Because you're going to pee it out. Yeah, because when you pee it out, that's when it hurts, but it only hurts for five, you know, two seconds. They break it down, right? Don't they, like... If it's big, this one wasn't big.

00:09:25 Speaker_01
I think they also have a small tool that can spread your aperture there at the end of your tinky. And I mean, that's what's coming for you.

00:09:33 Speaker_05
The meatus?

00:09:34 Speaker_01
The dime slot? It's a clamp.

00:09:36 Speaker_08
When does that come out?

00:09:37 Speaker_05
A reverse clamp. It's a dime slot.

00:09:39 Speaker_08
When does that come out? When is that? Do you just like wait until you start pumping?

00:09:42 Speaker_05
That comes out January 15th, right? Is President's Day weekend? Is that when it is?

00:09:46 Speaker_03
Buy a new mattress, pee out of kidney stone, yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be a huge opening weekend.

00:09:51 Speaker_01
Wait, Shawnee, is that truly the next stage is the breakdown and then the pee out?

00:09:56 Speaker_03
Your body breaks it down. I mean, no, your body doesn't break down. It just passes through, what is that? The tube that goes from your kidney to your bladder. Your urethra. Penis. No, that's your penis hole. Pee tube. Oh God. Something like that.

00:10:07 Speaker_03
Anyway, and it hangs out in the bladder. Anyway, Kieran, how are you?

00:10:09 Speaker_08
Bunch of doctors. This is great. We're doing so well. Welcome to our show. I love this. This is exactly what I thought I'd be talking about, a bunch of bullshit.

00:10:20 Speaker_08
I got my wife, or rather Santa Claus got my wife a hoodie last year that said, explain it to me like I'm Tracy.

00:10:26 Speaker_01
No, come on.

00:10:27 Speaker_08
Wow. Are you serious? You guys should sue because I didn't buy it through you. That's merch money that you guys earned.

00:10:33 Speaker_01
Is that an Etsy?

00:10:33 Speaker_08
Is that an Etsy thing? I think it was or like Redbubble or one of those fucking things, you know?

00:10:37 Speaker_01
Wait, explain it to me like I'm Tracy. I want one of those.

00:10:41 Speaker_05
Hang on, I do want to say one thing.

00:10:42 Speaker_01
I can also talk at the same time.

00:10:43 Speaker_05
No, you can't. I can't believe that JB knows about Etsy. That's the thing that I'm most shocked about.

00:10:48 Speaker_01
How do you know about Etsy? Dude, where do you think I get my throw pillows?

00:10:53 Speaker_03
I don't know. Karen, my sister is a big fan of yours, by the way.

00:10:57 Speaker_08
Wait, Tracy's?

00:10:59 Speaker_03
That's Tracy.

00:11:00 Speaker_08
You haven't seen anything of mine, right? Haven't you guys not watched Succession?

00:11:04 Speaker_05
I'm gonna make a switcher that says, find somebody who loves you the way that Tracy loves Karen. Why don't we just say that?

00:11:11 Speaker_01
Karen, I do wanna get this out of the way. I am very embarrassed to say I am the only person on the planet that is yet to start only because I'm very serious about my ingestion of quality product.

00:11:23 Speaker_01
Yeah, I'm waiting till I can sit down and just suck it up like the addict that I am. It's one of the biggest shows ever. Everybody I know loves it. I've never heard a bad thing about it.

00:11:33 Speaker_05
And I'm embarrassed to say, I started it, and then I was like, okay, I gotta restart it, and I haven't. But I did see most of season one. You are so fucking funny, dude, and so facile, and so quick.

00:11:46 Speaker_05
You can tell that it's... Obviously, it's really well-written, and there's a great cast, but you have a facility to you that is... really unique and really, like, impressive.

00:11:55 Speaker_01
Do you know what I mean? Thank you. It seems very... I have seen enough clips of not only that, but everything else you've ever done. I've seen those things. You do seem very comfortable with what you do.

00:12:06 Speaker_00
Yes, you are.

00:12:07 Speaker_01
And that's like, it's fun to watch. That's lately. Well, then you were a greater actor than I thought you were because you always look like you're having fun, you're not working too hard in the best sense of the phrase.

00:12:21 Speaker_01
And as a viewer, you're just, you're relaxed watching you do your thing because it looks like you're having fun and you're not stressing about your performance and are you hitting your beats and you know.

00:12:32 Speaker_08
Oh God, no, I don't hit beats, yeah, or marks or any of that stuff. You're rad, you're rad.

00:12:38 Speaker_01
Again, I can't wait to see Real Pain.

00:12:40 Speaker_08
About like 10 years ago, my wife sort of made fun of me. I was doing a play, and I was like, I need to go to work. And she went, work? What you do is literally called play. And I was like, oh, she's kind of right.

00:12:49 Speaker_01
My wife's the same thing, doesn't give it up. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, she's kind of right.

00:12:53 Speaker_08
Maybe I'll go out there and just have fun with it and just stick around. This is not extra serious. This is just us, you know. I don't know. I'd like to go out there and play.

00:13:01 Speaker_01
And do you think that that level of comfort and ease is because you started so young and it was not really ever framed initially to you as, like, an occupation, a job, a way in which to make a living?

00:13:12 Speaker_05
Or was it, though? Or was it framed as a way of paying the rent?

00:13:15 Speaker_08
There's a lot of stuff that I think because I started doing it at six, like, that's helped me now is, like, I learn lines incredibly fast. You know, I've listened to the show a lot, Jason, and I know you're the same way.

00:13:26 Speaker_01
Yeah, that's like Jay.

00:13:28 Speaker_08
I often, like, on a real pain, do you guys know Jesse Eisenberg?

00:13:31 Speaker_01
Not yet. No. Oh, no?

00:13:33 Speaker_08
You should meet him. He's just, he's... Seems awesome. Anxiety personified. And nothing caused him more panic than me walking to set and going, what are we shooting today? And he's like, what?

00:13:45 Speaker_08
No, I wrote, there's like a whole page long speech, what's wrong with you? I was like, I learned the lines fast, don't worry about it.

00:13:51 Speaker_08
And I don't like to rehearse, and I just sort of like, look it over really quickly, and go, oh, those are the words, I'll just, you know, rely on instinct. Yeah, just go.

00:13:58 Speaker_05
I'm with you. Yeah, JB's really good at that. I think that that could be... Obviously, it works for you and it's very freeing, right?

00:14:06 Speaker_01
So that you're not stuck into a... But there are certain parts, if I was more courageous, I would take on some parts that probably deserve a lot more research, study, practice. But I do really enjoy kind of not acting.

00:14:22 Speaker_01
I think we've talked about this before, right? I love watching actors that do act. We enjoy you not acting too. Believe me. I do like being the audience as opposed to being, you know, the character.

00:14:35 Speaker_05
Jason, do you take it personally when everybody keeps encouraging you to direct more?

00:14:43 Speaker_03
Yeah, it's starting to wear on me. But wait, but Kieran, what about on succession, those big scenes where there's lots of people, there's so much dialogue, and like, I mean, you almost have to memorize everybody else's lines too, right?

00:14:58 Speaker_08
Yeah, sort of, and I couldn't do that fast. There was, you know, I've done things like that, like Sarah Snook and I had a really good rapport, so sometimes I would say, hey, can you just take my lines or, you know, vice versa.

00:15:07 Speaker_08
We even did a scene once where like, by like the third take, I just jumped in and stole her line. and gave her a little side eye. And then she looked at me like, all right, game on. And then later on, she took mine, you know?

00:15:18 Speaker_00
Yeah, that's great. I love that. That's pretty cool.

00:15:21 Speaker_08
But we ran it like we sort of did it like a play. There wasn't really a lot of rehearsing. We would go in there. We would always run the full scene like three, four, maybe five times. Cameras were always vaguely somewhere.

00:15:31 Speaker_08
There was no such thing as like coverage. pick up shots, tee marks.

00:15:36 Speaker_08
I remember like in a camera system, he showed up, it was like a new guy, and we were kind of rehearsing, he put a mark down, and I just stopped the rehearsal and looked at him and said, first day?

00:15:44 Speaker_01
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like Arrested Development. We got multiple cameras, and they're just sort of tagging different stuff on each take, and by the time you run it three or four times, it's fully covered.

00:15:54 Speaker_08
That's why that show was so frickin' alive. I'm on my third viewing of that show. That show was great.

00:15:59 Speaker_05
We were never, yeah, but it's true, we were never really aware of the cameras in that way. And talk about a sense of play. Truly, we had that same feeling, which was, it was super fun, and you could kind of do anything.

00:16:11 Speaker_08
It's so alive that that's why, like, because you guys were connecting, and, like, you guys were very alive, and that's what people respond to, I think, when they're watching.

00:16:18 Speaker_05
And we didn't learn, we also didn't learn our lines before. We would kind of do it, we'd have a sort of a camera blocking, as it were, it was pretty loose, and we would just kind of... Everybody would just kind of throw it out there. And, right, J.B.?

00:16:31 Speaker_05
Yeah. Do you remember that time we would come back to shoot that extra, the first Netflix season? And the first day, Jason and I had a 12-page two-man scene, which was... It was just, just, do you remember that?

00:16:45 Speaker_05
And then we were walking towards the stage and Mitch Hurwitz comes up to us and he goes, hey guys, so I kind of rewrote the thing. And we're like, uh-huh. So he gave us, and we're just going like this on the way, so you're going, uh-huh, uh-huh.

00:16:54 Speaker_05
And then, okay, you're gonna come in here. You come in the front door. All right, I'm gonna go there. You're gonna go there. And rolling, and here we go. Perfect. And you just kind of fucking go. That was so fun.

00:17:03 Speaker_08
Yeah, your back's against the wall. You gotta go.

00:17:05 Speaker_01
And Karen, do you, do you, are you, are you, excited to find another project that is similar to that? Is it now a way in which you love to work that you'd love to replicate on all future jobs?

00:17:17 Speaker_01
Or do you want something like the polar opposite, you know, where it's very, you know, specific and measured? And what do you think?

00:17:25 Speaker_08
That is a really good question, because I think like when I started working on Succession, I had to throw everything that I used to do out the window.

00:17:33 Speaker_08
Because I'd never done a TV show before, my thing was like, be off book months before, learn everyone else's lines, be extremely prepared, and then because it's the nature of a TV show where you don't know the next episode, and also our show, we were getting rewrites on the day, similar to what you just said, I had to abandon that and just go fly by the seat of my pants.

00:17:51 Speaker_08
But it lent itself to that character because he was the kind of guy who could sort of talk his way in and out of any situation, so he didn't really have to think before he spoke. So it was sort of like, he was that guy.

00:18:02 Speaker_08
So, I've been trying to mentally prepare for like, as it feels like going backwards. Like, you know, doing a job with coverage.

00:18:10 Speaker_08
And so when we started doing A Real Pain, I sort of thought we were going to do that, which we did kind of on the first day or so. But the character in that movie is like, the most spontaneous sort of surprising person.

00:18:22 Speaker_08
It's the kind of thing where just when you think you sort of have him down, just to spite you, he's gonna give you a different reaction than what you're expecting.

00:18:29 Speaker_01
Which is a great counterbalance to Jesse's character, correct?

00:18:33 Speaker_08
Exactly, yeah. And he wrote it, he directed it, he shot the whole thing. Before I got there, he shot it on his phone, playing my character, and he would tell me things like, okay, so in this scene, you sit over there, and I would go, how do you know?

00:18:46 Speaker_08
And he's like, well, what do you mean, how do you know? I was like, well, we haven't tried it. He goes, well, why can't you sit there? I said, well, maybe I could, but we haven't tried it. What do you mean, why doesn't it work? I'm sure it works.

00:18:54 Speaker_08
And we talked in a frickin' circle for a while.

00:18:56 Speaker_05
I love you, you get to set the first day, he's like, hey, I got a cut of the movie right here. You were great, we're just doing pickups today.

00:19:05 Speaker_01
So then how was it, you would say like, well, yeah, maybe I don't sit there, maybe I'd stand over here. That way he would just like throw out all of his coverage and just be like,

00:19:14 Speaker_08
He kind of abandoned it on like the second or third day.

00:19:17 Speaker_01
Wow, really?

00:19:18 Speaker_05
You forced him to?

00:19:19 Speaker_08
Well, because, yeah, well, we had to shoot this sequence that he had mapped out, but the whole idea of it was like, we're gonna, I want my picture taken in front of the statue, and then I start gathering the other people in this tour group to come with me, and he had...

00:19:33 Speaker_08
planned it all out. And I was like, well, isn't it sort of the point to just, for me to get them into the idea and we're all gonna take a photo together? And he's like, yeah, so do you mind if we just try it once?

00:19:41 Speaker_08
And then he basically just told the cinematographer, like, nevermind, fuck the shot list, pick up the camera.

00:19:45 Speaker_05
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:46 Speaker_04
That's great.

00:19:46 Speaker_05
Dude, that's great, though. How cool is that? Because then you guys ended up creating something together, much more collaborative. And I wonder if, and JB, you can kind of maybe address it a little bit, having directed so much now.

00:20:01 Speaker_05
Having that, for Jesse, I don't know, we should ask him, having that sort of set, that shot list, everything the way he wants to see it, and he was so ready and so regimented.

00:20:08 Speaker_05
You come in, you kind of throw a wrench in that whole thing, and I bet you freed him up in a lot of ways.

00:20:14 Speaker_08
Maybe, I think it freaked him out a lot, though. I'm sure it freaked him out. I think it scared the shit out of him, but yeah.

00:20:18 Speaker_01
Yeah, because the clock is ticking, you got this call sheet you got to get done in 12 hours, and it's like, now I got a fucking pain-in-the-ass actor that's throwing it all up into a blender.

00:20:26 Speaker_08
Yeah, but we ended up getting our scenes a lot faster, actually. That's how I felt anyway. I was sort of like, well, you know, let's just run the whole thing a couple of times instead of picking up these little pieces.

00:20:33 Speaker_01
Of course.

00:20:34 Speaker_08
And then, you know, you get to shoot it how you want.

00:20:38 Speaker_06
And we will be right back. And now, back to the show.

00:20:46 Speaker_05
Kieran, now you're going to take all of that, that way you're working, all that kind of stuff, how is this going to be different?

00:20:50 Speaker_05
You're now going to go, and you've worked obviously, you've done theater before, but you're going back to Broadway, is that right? In the spring?

00:20:58 Speaker_08
Yeah, I am. Glengarry Glen Ross. Glengarry Glen Ross.

00:21:02 Speaker_01
Can I be in it?

00:21:04 Speaker_08
Yes, but no. It's already cast.

00:21:07 Speaker_01
You need an understudy?

00:21:09 Speaker_08
It can be my understudy. Bob Odenkirk's in it, Bill Burr, Michael McKean.

00:21:13 Speaker_01
I'm terrified.

00:21:13 Speaker_08
When do you open? They don't even have a theater, but they keep telling me.

00:21:29 Speaker_01
I think you'll be fine. Try the Tabasco. It's spicy, it's big. It's a great theater, the Tabasco.

00:21:34 Speaker_05
Home of Goodbye Oscar. And it was a great shoot. Good night, Oscar. Good night to you, too.

00:21:39 Speaker_08
Sean, are you about to ask me about funny theater stories?

00:21:44 Speaker_03
Yes, if you have any, please share them. I love it. But look, Kieran, you can't... Let him tell a theater story.

00:21:51 Speaker_08
No, I wasn't actually prompting myself for a funny bit. I just know that Sean likes to ask that. Or it's audition stories.

00:21:56 Speaker_03
Yes, jump in. I love those. Those are my favorite stories, if you have one.

00:22:00 Speaker_08
I got a really quick one, which is I did a play 10 years ago with Michael Cera. Nice. This is our youth. And I had food poisoning. And the moment the show started and the lights came up, I realized, oh, I'm fucked.

00:22:13 Speaker_08
So I spent like an hour just trying not to vomit. And by the end of the first act, I had this whole speech and I realized I can't open my mouth, I'm gonna vomit.

00:22:21 Speaker_08
And I have this whole speech where I have to get the money, there's an amount and what I'm spending it on. And I stood up next to the door to leave the apartment, I'm wobbling.

00:22:29 Speaker_08
And I had the speech and there's like a five, six second long pause that's not supposed to be there. And I hold my hand out and I just went, money. And he put the money in my hand.

00:22:39 Speaker_08
I ran out and the stage manager, I guess, had put a bucket right next to the door. And I started violently, loudly vomiting in this bucket. They were trying to drag me away, but I couldn't. I was just holding onto this bucket for dear life vomiting.

00:22:51 Speaker_08
I asked Michael afterwards, I said, could you guys hear me? He goes, are you fucking kidding me? It was the most surreal shared experience I've ever had with a group of people of listening to a grown man vomit in a bucket.

00:23:01 Speaker_01
I'm just imagining Michael's just dry takes out to the house.

00:23:05 Speaker_08
While everyone's here, they're just like... He said he grabbed a comic book and started trying to casually read a comic book, as if this wasn't happening.

00:23:13 Speaker_01
Until you made your re-entrance?

00:23:17 Speaker_08
No, the understudy came in in act two. Oh, wow, really? While I spent... Yes, I was vomiting upstairs for the next few hours, and they somehow dragged me home for hours more of vomiting.

00:23:26 Speaker_01
That's the best theater story we've heard yet, Sean.

00:23:28 Speaker_05
That's really good, Sean. Yes, I think that's really great. I love that. So wait, so this was in London then?

00:23:33 Speaker_08
No, that one was in New York, but Wikipedia is correct. I did do that play in London, like eight years before that. No, no, no. Will, you're the one who had time to actually do the research.

00:23:43 Speaker_05
I actually do know that you did This Is Our Youth also in London. I have a very close relationship with This Is Our Youth because the original cast, Missy Yeager was in the original cast, whom I lived with at the time. She was my girlfriend in the 90s.

00:23:55 Speaker_05
I knew that. And I remember when they first did it, and she and Kenny first did it, and with Mark and Josh Hamilton. I saw it about 42 times. Yeah, it's an amazing play. It's a great play. It's such a brilliant play.

00:24:10 Speaker_08
I can't let it go. Like, I played it as the character Warren in London, and I felt like I never got it right, so I spent, like, years trying to do it again, and then realized I actually was right for the other part.

00:24:20 Speaker_08
I just had to spend years convincing Kenny Lonergan that I was... right for that part. And then I got to do it like in Chicago, Sydney, New York. I can't seem to let it go.

00:24:30 Speaker_01
Oh, that I did not know. Would it make a good movie?

00:24:34 Speaker_08
I don't know. I've always tried to crack that one. I don't think I, I don't know.

00:24:39 Speaker_01
What about that? What about directing a movie?

00:24:43 Speaker_08
Directing?

00:24:43 Speaker_01
Or anything.

00:24:44 Speaker_08
I don't know. I don't have that thing.

00:24:46 Speaker_01
You don't have a directing thing. I'm not that ambitious or curious.

00:24:48 Speaker_08
I doubt that's true.

00:24:49 Speaker_05
I doubt that's true. I don't know. Yeah. You've been around film and you've been making films since you were, as you said... Six. Well, first of all, what was the first... Let's get into this. What was the first professional...

00:25:01 Speaker_05
experience you had working in TV, film, et cetera?

00:25:04 Speaker_08
Professional experience I had was a commercial when I was six. And I actually don't quite know what it was for, but it was like for something to do with learning disabilities.

00:25:12 Speaker_08
And I remember that I was put, the concept was I'm standing in front of a chalkboard with chalk in my hand and I don't know how to solve the easy thing in front of me. And the kids in the class are supposed to be calling me dummy and stupid, all that.

00:25:24 Speaker_08
And I have a distinct memory of being there and the director going, okay, he's like, action. And he starts going, dummy. Idiot. Stupid.

00:25:33 Speaker_03
Oh my God.

00:25:33 Speaker_08
And like even then, even then I'm thinking like, you know, I get it. I'm six. Like stand here and look sad. I'm not fucking method. I'm six. What's wrong with you?

00:25:41 Speaker_03
Right, right, right. Oh my God. But why do I have, I have this image of you. I can't remember when I was watching where you were, either you hosted or your brother hosted SNL.

00:25:50 Speaker_05
Oh good, I thought you were going to say I have this image of you on my hard drive. Okay, keep going.

00:25:56 Speaker_03
Well, that's, yeah, that's it. But wait, why were you on, what was I watching where they did a zoom in on you and you were like on stage on SNL or something?

00:26:04 Speaker_08
So I hosted SNL a couple years ago and it was 30 years.

00:26:08 Speaker_03
Oh, that's what it was.

00:26:08 Speaker_08
It was 30 years almost to the day. It was like a couple days shy of being 30 years from when my brother hosted. And I got to be in like three sketches. So they had like, I got to be there for the good nights and stuff like that.

00:26:18 Speaker_03
That's really cool. That was so cool. Was that surreal?

00:26:21 Speaker_08
That really was, and it was one of those things I thought would never, ever happen, but there's very few, like, things I... Like I said, I'm not very ambitious.

00:26:30 Speaker_08
Uh, I don't, like, have these big aspiring dreams, but, like, hosting SNL was, like, that one. That one and, like, voicing The Simpsons, which I still haven't done yet. Those are, like, the two things I've always wanted to do.

00:26:39 Speaker_05
Here they come. I remember, I remember one time, I remember when JB got, uh, was asked to host the first time. This is a true story. And, um, you probably don't remember this. Uh, and you were first, you got asked to do it.

00:26:53 Speaker_05
This was in, uh, you did it in, like, January of 2005, I think.

00:26:58 Speaker_01
It wasn't after like the first year or second year of it?

00:27:00 Speaker_05
Second year, yes. It was January 2005. And I remember you going, dude, they just asked me, I'm gonna host SNL. I go, that's fucking great. And you go, I mean, it's like a dream come true. And I was like, yeah, no shit.

00:27:15 Speaker_05
Obviously, it's a fucking... What do you think you're fucking... This was a dream come true for me.

00:27:20 Speaker_01
Oh, is it? No, but a lot of people, but there's a lot of people, and I won't mention their names here, because maybe they're not excited about it, but they will never host SNL because it's so frightening to them.

00:27:37 Speaker_01
It's like the thing they would least like to do, and they've turned it down a million times. There's tons of them.

00:27:43 Speaker_05
Yeah, I guess.

00:27:44 Speaker_01
I've heard that one. So that's probably where I was coming from.

00:27:45 Speaker_05
Okay, that's a good defense.

00:27:46 Speaker_08
Do you know one of my favorite, my favorite good nights stories? You know, like, because when you do the good nights at the end, all that's on the cue card is like the musical guest and anybody else that showed up.

00:27:56 Speaker_07
Yeah.

00:27:57 Speaker_08
And like, while you're like five seconds of TV, Lauren goes, okay, enjoy. And I go, what do I say? He goes, anything you want. and walks away.

00:28:05 Speaker_08
And all I'm doing is looking at the cue cards and then, you know, but I said the normal good nights, but my favorite I've ever seen was Liam Neeson hosted like in early 2000s. And the camera cuts to him and he just goes, modest mouse.

00:28:19 Speaker_08
and then it's just quiet, and then they just start playing the music. It's so good.

00:28:22 Speaker_01
It's just reading the cards, not doing anything more.

00:28:24 Speaker_08
He literally just read the cue card. I love it. I love it. And started hugging.

00:28:30 Speaker_03
Karen, you can't be you and not be super smart. Like, you seem hyper-intelligent because while you talk fast, like I usually do, not today on morphine, but you talk, but you, it seems like you're firing in all cylinders.

00:28:43 Speaker_05
Did they say that you had to smoke the morphine? I don't get it.

00:28:48 Speaker_03
I still have a, what is it called, a drip point. Track marks.

00:28:54 Speaker_03
But you seem really, like, you talk fast, which means you think fast, which means you can probably, like, when Will was talking to you or Jason was talking about directing, it seems like people who fire in all cylinders all the time can do stuff like that.

00:29:07 Speaker_03
So if you don't want to do that, what do you do to, like, occupy all that extra bandwidth? Yeah.

00:29:12 Speaker_08
God, I don't, I don't know, drive my wife crazy. I don't even have, like, hobbies.

00:29:16 Speaker_01
Crosswords?

00:29:16 Speaker_08
I don't, like, not even, I do, like, you know, wordle-quirtle bullshit, like I know you guys do.

00:29:21 Speaker_01
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:29:21 Speaker_08
Isn't it weird that I, like, know stuff about you because I listen to your show too much?

00:29:24 Speaker_01
Will, pull him in. There's that empty seat. Have you guys ever filled my seat? Yeah. No, we haven't. Better way to say that. Yeah.

00:29:34 Speaker_05
We still play every morning, yeah.

00:29:35 Speaker_01
Quirtle, Quirtle, and Octurtle.

00:29:38 Speaker_08
Octurtle I haven't done in a while, yeah.

00:29:40 Speaker_05
I also like to think it's one of my favorites.

00:29:42 Speaker_08
In a whitel? What a dipshit. Yeah, you just said I'm smart and I speak fast.

00:29:46 Speaker_05
Not correctly, but quickly. Quirtle was really, I will say, today was really tough and it was a bust. We had three busts on Quirtle today, which was a big... It was sending shockwaves through our turtle, Quirtle, Wirtle, what we call Nerdle.

00:30:01 Speaker_01
Now, Kieran, I find it hard to believe. There's Nerdle too.

00:30:03 Speaker_08
Nerdle does exist. It's a mouthful.

00:30:05 Speaker_01
You're really saying you do not have a hobby. I don't buy it. Tell me what your day is.

00:30:11 Speaker_05
Are you a New York guy?

00:30:12 Speaker_08
I live in New York full-time, but also I'm amazed that people do things in a day. I just don't get it. So you wake up... Exactly.

00:30:21 Speaker_01
You get the kid off to school, how many kids do you have?

00:30:24 Speaker_08
That's it, that's the whole, I just woke up and then suddenly I'm already getting ready for bed. How did that happen? What did I do? How many kids do you have? I have two, a three-year-old and a five-year-old, so that's my hobby, I guess.

00:30:35 Speaker_08
Anytime I'm not, like this is really lovely and I really want to be here, but I feel like anytime I'm doing something, I'm just trying to get home to be with the kids.

00:30:42 Speaker_01
Right, exactly. And then, are you like me? Do you put on the PJs as soon as you're home if you know you're not leaving again the rest of the day, even if it's 1.30 in the afternoon? Yeah.

00:30:51 Speaker_08
I mean, like my walking around, like it's a pair of shorts and a big t-shirt, but yeah, it's the same idea.

00:30:56 Speaker_01
And then, so then is it television? Is it a book? Like, what are you, you're not just sitting on a couch staring at the wall.

00:31:01 Speaker_08
God, I haven't read a book since I had a kid, so that would be five years ago. I mean, yeah, I forgot you're not a reader, because the words just keep coming at you, right, Jason? Yeah, TV. Yeah, it's just too much.

00:31:11 Speaker_08
Almost no time for TV or movies unless like I can put it like in a schedule. I don't know.

00:31:23 Speaker_05
Yeah So when you're done with us today, well you you log off and then what what happened?

00:31:28 Speaker_08
I have like a little Zoom meeting right after you, and then I have to go do some, I'm still doing press for the movie, so then like about an hour after that Zoom, I go do press. I actually don't know what the thing is I'm going to.

00:31:36 Speaker_08
I stopped looking at the itinerary. They tell me to like get in the car at 1130. I get in at like 1215 and hope for the best. I literally, this happened a couple weeks ago.

00:31:47 Speaker_08
I got in the back of a car about 45 minutes late, and the guy said Delta Airlines, and I went, I don't know. And he said, he goes, JFK, and I said, beats me, man, I really don't fucking know, you probably know.

00:31:58 Speaker_08
And then we literally, I wasn't even sure if I was going to the airport, except for that I had a bag that was already packed. I got to the airport, I put my passport in the machine, and as I put it in, I realized, I don't know where I'm going today.

00:32:08 Speaker_04
Wow.

00:32:09 Speaker_08
Yeah. And it was a good thing, too, because it was a long flight. I was going to Warsaw. I'm glad I brought my passport. Why were you going to Warsaw? The movie was shot in... Oh, this movie. Yeah, this movie. It was shot there.

00:32:20 Speaker_05
How did you like Warsaw? Yeah, I was about to say.

00:32:23 Speaker_08
I hardly saw it. We were shooting like six to eight weeks.

00:32:25 Speaker_05
More like no saw. All right.

00:32:28 Speaker_08
Yeah, that was good.

00:32:29 Speaker_00
Good for you, Will.

00:32:30 Speaker_01
I like it. Poland, I hear, is a very, very beautiful country. Oh, you've been hearing that? I have been hearing that. I have not yet visited yet. Yeah. I'm hearing it a lot. On the grapevine? Yeah, on my text threads.

00:32:46 Speaker_08
Really nice parks, and my wife's from London, and she always brags about how the parks in London are the best in the world, but the best park she's ever seen were in Warsaw.

00:32:54 Speaker_01
Really? Yeah. So she went with you, the kids went with you?

00:32:58 Speaker_08
At the beginning. They were there for the first like 11 to 12 days, and then once they left, I was, yeah, popping around.

00:33:03 Speaker_01
And how long were you alone without them?

00:33:06 Speaker_08
25 days, that was, yeah. Oh no, that was murderous, yes.

00:33:11 Speaker_01
25 shooting days, that's five weeks?

00:33:12 Speaker_08
25 full, no, 25 full days.

00:33:14 Speaker_01
25 full days, all right.

00:33:15 Speaker_08
And actually, yeah, I tried to actually back out of the movie once I saw that that was the schedule. Jesse didn't know about that. Wow.

00:33:22 Speaker_08
Cause I had recently, I don't know if you guys have these rules, like I just did, when I was doing succession, I had to do eight days away and I was like, that was tough but manageable. And then I had to do 11 and went, I can't do that.

00:33:31 Speaker_08
Eight is my, that's my new rule.

00:33:34 Speaker_01
Wait, you live in New York. The show is shot in New York.

00:33:36 Speaker_05
Jason, that's the opposite of your rule, right? Which is it's minimum six months away.

00:33:42 Speaker_01
Or you're out. Well, they're just so noisy, these kids. What about, wait, where did you have to go for succession that took you out for eight and 11 days?

00:33:52 Speaker_08
There was a lot of places, you know, like there's usually like once per season watch the show that we ended up somewhere else. Um, you know, Italy, Norway.

00:34:01 Speaker_05
Sean's never seen the rest of the development, and we've been doing this podcast, and we've been friends for 20 years. I know, still? Yeah, still.

00:34:06 Speaker_03
I haven't.

00:34:07 Speaker_08
Geez, I've watched it three times. I haven't seen Ozark, it's okay.

00:34:10 Speaker_03
I always say I've seen it as much as they've watched Will & Grace.

00:34:13 Speaker_05
I've seen a lot of Will & Grace, and I was fucking on Will & Grace. You were on Will & Grace. Yeah, so why don't you fucking, when you're sitting there passing your stone and nothing else, you can't do fuck all. Watch a couple episodes.

00:34:25 Speaker_05
So you guys shot in incredible locations for Succession. That I do know.

00:34:29 Speaker_08
You guys shot like in... Croatia, Tuscany. Yeah. Norway. We were all over the map.

00:34:36 Speaker_05
I know.

00:34:36 Speaker_08
How good is that? But it wasn't that, no, it wasn't that like nice. I remember like at the end of season two, my wife was like heavily pregnant. It was August.

00:34:44 Speaker_08
She's back in New York and she was basically complaining about how hot it was and she was alone and all this stuff. And she's like, and you're on a yacht in Croatia. I'm like, I'm not on a yacht. I'm on a fucking set.

00:34:52 Speaker_08
It's not like I'm going swimming between takes and all that. It's like, that's the thing when we travel to all these places, unless you can specifically get some time off after, you're not really seeing the stuff.

00:35:01 Speaker_05
I don't know. Wait, wait, Kieran, so you've always been a New Yorker.

00:35:06 Speaker_05
I want to get back to this, because I saw a video of something of you recently, not even in anticipation of doing this, I just saw it out in the world of you revisiting your childhood apartment.

00:35:18 Speaker_01
Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was on CBS Sunday morning, which is a great show. Yeah. Right. That was a great. Yeah.

00:35:24 Speaker_05
And it was really cool. And I loved you going in and seeing your former neighbor.

00:35:27 Speaker_08
And that was not planned at all. We were just like, they were setting up a camera outside. And he was like, oh, hi.

00:35:32 Speaker_05
Oh, thanks. So, talk a little bit about, like, growing up in New York and auditioning for stuff and what that was like.

00:35:42 Speaker_05
And now, as I mentioned in the lead-in, that Jason, we often talk about people about being able to have that longevity and be able to kind of take what you... be a child actor and have that translate into becoming an adult actor as well.

00:35:58 Speaker_05
It's really rare. Yeah. Petrified.

00:36:02 Speaker_08
I feel like, other than what I mentioned earlier about learning lines fast and knowing that stuff, I feel like everything I did as a kid, I don't think I apply any of the acting stuff I used to do as a kid to what I do now. Really?

00:36:15 Speaker_08
Yeah, because sometimes I see that.

00:36:19 Speaker_01
Former kid actors, I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, where there's sort of like bad habits you can sort of pick up along the way that you just have to be mindful to... Right, you mentioned... In Igby, the director was like, I'm seeing the kid tricks, just fucking knock it off and be better, basically.

00:36:34 Speaker_08
Yeah, stop showing me what you're doing, you know, stop, you know... Yeah, stop trying to show me what the character's doing. Stop showing me what's happening in the scene. Like, you know, that's my job.

00:36:43 Speaker_01
Yeah, force us to lean in and read your mind, right?

00:36:46 Speaker_05
So, you kind of, you shifted what you did, like, Jason, I'm sure a lot of stuff that you used to do, like, on Growing Pains is now different, right?

00:36:54 Speaker_01
No, no, no, that's Kirk Cameron, Will.

00:36:56 Speaker_08
Can I talk to you for a second?

00:36:57 Speaker_01
Yes. This whole time? The whole time I've never been, yeah.

00:37:04 Speaker_01
But now Karen, did you have the same level of panic and horror when you would start thinking about, my God, am I gonna be able to transition my ability to make a dollar into adulthood or should I go to college?

00:37:23 Speaker_01
Should I get something where I have a diploma and I have a reasonable expectation of sort of a base salary and some consistency and predictability in my life?

00:37:31 Speaker_08
God, I don't really...

00:37:33 Speaker_08
think all that often, so all I know is, I suddenly found myself at like 20, and I remember my manager, who I'm still with, I've been with her for 30 years, she used the word career, and I kind of panicked, because I've been doing it since six, but it's like, a six-year-old shouldn't really pick their occupation for the rest of their life, they're not really qualified to do that, you know?

00:37:55 Speaker_08
So I think I kind of panicked, and was like, okay, well, I don't know if this is what I want to do, so I think I spent many years trying to figure out what I want to do. But at that point, you're 20.

00:38:05 Speaker_01
Yeah. At that point, you're 20, so you could still kind of start college. You'd be a 20-year-old freshman, which is not cute, but you still could have done it.

00:38:12 Speaker_08
I'm a high school dropout as well.

00:38:14 Speaker_05
I don't really, you know... Yeah. Yeah. But, like, Jason, you asked... Remember, we asked this recently to Keri Russell, and she was like, no, I had no thought about making the leap.

00:38:26 Speaker_05
from being, you know, a child actor to a... Like, she didn't worry about it at all. You did. You were cognizant of it.

00:38:32 Speaker_01
I did, but I still didn't do anything to mitigate the risk. In other words, I wasn't taking, like, night classes in real estate, you know? Like, it was just... I mean, it's really fucking stupid what I did and what you did, Karen, what Carrie did.

00:38:44 Speaker_01
Like, we're still at this... I'm 55. I'm still running sort of wild. Great show, by the way. Um, you know... That was me and Keri Russell.

00:38:54 Speaker_01
Like if this doesn't work out in the next, what, six months, things could go completely dry at any point in any of our careers and we don't have a diploma or a degree in something that says, no, no, no, I'm knocking on the door, you should give me a job.

00:39:10 Speaker_03
But isn't that the thing that drives you, is that fear?

00:39:12 Speaker_01
Yeah, but this anxiety that's behind all the time.

00:39:17 Speaker_05
I think a really good antidote to that also for me has been rich parents. Yeah, you fucker. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. They're not.

00:39:24 Speaker_08
That must be really nice. Yeah.

00:39:26 Speaker_05
I'm being flippant.

00:39:27 Speaker_04
It's true. It's not true.

00:39:28 Speaker_05
It's not true.

00:39:29 Speaker_08
I remember my grandma, like, about 20 years ago, she was in North Dakota. She asked me, like, she goes, you still acting? I said, yeah. And she goes, when was your last job? And I said, oh, God, like, a little over a year ago.

00:39:40 Speaker_08
And she goes, you should get into meat. People always need meat.

00:39:44 Speaker_02
Really?

00:39:45 Speaker_01
Really?

00:39:45 Speaker_08
Your grandma said that? Not terrible.

00:39:47 Speaker_07
Not terrible.

00:39:47 Speaker_01
Not terrible advice. Yeah, people will always eat it.

00:39:52 Speaker_06
We'll be right back. And now, back to the show.

00:39:59 Speaker_03
Forgive me, is it just you and Macaulay that were actors, or were there other people in your family?

00:40:04 Speaker_08
My brother, Rory, actually, at some point, we were all sort of, like, given the opportunity to act, and some of them just didn't take to it. Some did.

00:40:12 Speaker_03
And then... Of all seven of us. And then parents and... Seven.

00:40:16 Speaker_05
Seven kids. Seven kids, yeah. And that small little apartment. Sorry, where do you fall in that?

00:40:20 Speaker_08
Right in the middle. Yeah.

00:40:22 Speaker_05
Okay.

00:40:22 Speaker_08
But I don't really have that middle child thing.

00:40:24 Speaker_05
Uh-huh.

00:40:24 Speaker_08
Because I was like the favorite.

00:40:26 Speaker_05
Yep. There you go. I don't really believe in birth order as much as other people do. Yeah. You're one of four, right, Willie? Yeah. Yeah. I was the baby, like my whole, I was the baby for almost 10 years then my brother was born.

00:40:39 Speaker_05
So, you know, I have two older sisters and I don't know, I just don't buy into it.

00:40:43 Speaker_03
Yeah. I don't think. Yeah, you make of it, you make of it what you will, like anyway.

00:40:46 Speaker_01
Yeah, exactly. Whatever you want. We're all capable of anything. Real quick, their names? Callum, Jackquat, and Jackquat. We'll let you come back on that. Okay.

00:40:58 Speaker_05
I do love them, I think.

00:40:59 Speaker_01
Look it up.

00:41:01 Speaker_03
Sean, you have a question for our guest? No, I was just saying, so, but then as far as, as far as the lineage of, the lineage of the Culkin family. I love it if Sean just threw up right now. And the kidney stone comes on my throat instead of my penis.

00:41:16 Speaker_03
Guys, I passed! No, but parents and grandparents and like or did it or did this acting bug start with you the kids of the of the culture?

00:41:27 Speaker_08
It's like my I think my father and his siblings did it as kids That's okay sort of my understanding because actually I only know that because a few years ago we went through an old storage unit and I found this like pamphlet of I guess what his parents were trying to like

00:41:41 Speaker_08
I don't know exactly what it was, but it was like, hey, we have a son that's an actor, and we have this other son that's a magician. And it was like, sort of like, we have these performing arts kids.

00:41:51 Speaker_03
Wow. Isn't it amazing the stuff you find out about your parents way later? Like, I grew up without knowing anything about my mom, or obviously my dad, but my mom... No idea your dad was such a great driver.

00:42:03 Speaker_08
I know. Do you know the make of the car? At least?

00:42:07 Speaker_05
Yeah, it was an AMG. You didn't know that your dad didn't own a map, I guess? still had a bad memory or he had a bad memory.

00:42:16 Speaker_03
Wait, do you guys remember that car? The MG, the MG, my dad owned that. No kidding. He built a car built for one.

00:42:25 Speaker_05
built for barely two people, and he had five kids.

00:42:30 Speaker_04
That's the first sign, man. You should have punctured the tires. I know. Isn't that the truth?

00:42:38 Speaker_02
Isn't that the truth? Like, that's such a red flag. You know what the other red flag was?

00:42:44 Speaker_05
When he said, I'm fucking out of here.

00:42:55 Speaker_03
Oh, man. So fucking funny.

00:42:58 Speaker_08
This is so weird for me because it feels like you're just meeting me, but I feel like I'm hanging out with my old friends that are just fucking with each other.

00:43:05 Speaker_04
You are. We are.

00:43:06 Speaker_08
My wife used to tell me for months she was listening to this show before I listened to it. This happened on more than one occasion. She'd be like, oh, my friend said blah, blah, blah the other day.

00:43:13 Speaker_08
We were having this chat, and I said, which friend was it? And she'd think, oh, fuck. That was smartless. It happens all the time. Who was that? Was that Choms? No, I know.

00:43:22 Speaker_08
She actually, like a couple months ago, we were at this, because her favorite episode is the one you guys did with Matthew Rhys.

00:43:28 Speaker_00
And she loved it.

00:43:30 Speaker_08
She listened to it more than once. And so we're at this party and she goes, oh, Matthew's here. Let's go say hi. And she started dragging me over. And I was like, Matthew who?

00:43:36 Speaker_08
And then she, right before we got to him, she stopped me and started pushing me. She goes, nevermind. We haven't met him. We're not friends. Oh my God, that was smartless.

00:43:43 Speaker_00
I love her already. What is her name?

00:43:46 Speaker_08
Jazz.

00:43:46 Speaker_00
Jazz.

00:43:48 Speaker_08
J-A-Z-Z, and it's not short for anything. Actually, right when I met her, that was one of the first things I said. It's not, it's dumb. When I first met her, I shook her hand and I said, I said, what's your name? She went, Jazz.

00:43:59 Speaker_08
I said, J-A-Z-Z, like the music? She went, yeah. I said, well, that's fucking stupid. She just came at me and right away I was like, I blew it. But instead she laughed, so it worked out alright.

00:44:09 Speaker_01
Where were you when you guys met? Tell us the story. Is it a meet-cute?

00:44:13 Speaker_08
At a bar. But that was it. I mean, what I love about the story is it's fast. That was pretty much it. The only other thing was when I walked into a bar, I was with a friend. Is that your ride? I saw her. You have to go? This is New York City.

00:44:24 Speaker_03
You're like, I don't know where the car's taking me. It's my dealer.

00:44:28 Speaker_08
That's my dealer. I walked in a bar, I saw her and I yelled, holy shit. And I basically said, New York, New York. And I was with this dude. And I said like, hey, we need to go stand near this girl, which I realize now sounds kind of creepy.

00:44:43 Speaker_08
And so we stood. near her.

00:44:45 Speaker_01
That's what we had to do before these dating apps. You just had to like kind of circle. Yeah, you show up.

00:44:50 Speaker_08
Fucking easy now, right? This was 13 years ago. She was sitting at a table with some dude and the moment he got up to leave to go to the bathroom, I just jumped in there and stole his seat.

00:44:59 Speaker_04
No way.

00:45:00 Speaker_08
And I literally, like all I did is I sat down and said, sorry, I just stole your friend's seat. And she went, that's okay. I said, was that your boyfriend? She said, no. I said, do you have a boyfriend? She went, no. I said, then I'm Kieran.

00:45:09 Speaker_01
Wow. Oh, wow. I've never been this forward in my life. And then she said, I'm jazz. And you said, that's fucking stupid.

00:45:16 Speaker_08
And I said, that's fucking stupid. And then what are you drinking?

00:45:18 Speaker_05
You guys have been making music ever since. What part of town were you? Do you remember?

00:45:23 Speaker_08
It was, what the hell was the name of the place? It was on 7th and A. It was called Cabin Down Below.

00:45:31 Speaker_01
Oh, nice.

00:45:31 Speaker_08
Do you know that one?

00:45:32 Speaker_05
I don't know if I know Cabin Devil.

00:45:34 Speaker_01
Seventh and A, so that is Lower East Side, I want to say? Lower East Side.

00:45:38 Speaker_08
It was one of those places where I kept getting turned away. Every time I tried to go there, they were like, it's a private party, because I wasn't dressed cool or I wasn't famous.

00:45:48 Speaker_08
But they knew my wife, like there was one time I went there and I was with a couple of like, I'm not meaning to name drop, I was there with a couple of like famous-y people. And I walked up first and they were like, sorry, private party.

00:46:00 Speaker_08
And I looked back at one of my friends, it was, I'll just tell you who it was, it was Scarlett Johansson. She's like, I got this. And she walked up, she goes, hi, they're with me. And he looked at her and said, It's a private party.

00:46:11 Speaker_08
And then he looked up and went, jazz? And she was like, yeah. I was like, oh, are they with you? And she would, yeah, come on in.

00:46:18 Speaker_05
Ah, jazz for the win.

00:46:19 Speaker_08
She's just one of those fucking people.

00:46:21 Speaker_05
That's one of those New York fucking dudes.

00:46:23 Speaker_08
Jazzy jazz. She's just one of those people, man. She makes friends everywhere.

00:46:27 Speaker_01
Now, since you guys are, since acting is generational, what about the three-year-old and the five-year-old? What are you thinking?

00:46:35 Speaker_08
I'm not against that. You're going to support it? Yeah, I mean, I had a really nice experience with it growing up. Me too. Yeah, it was nice.

00:46:43 Speaker_01
However, it is that thing, getting back to that other point, it's like, are you going to, at some point, I would imagine you would say, now, would you want to kind of help your odds a little bit by going to college at the same time, maybe?

00:46:57 Speaker_08
I would probably encourage an education. I never got one. I don't know. Yeah, I would probably encourage that.

00:47:03 Speaker_01
But I don't really know.

00:47:04 Speaker_08
And I've also heard of people, this is something I kind of wish, it hasn't come to bite me in the ass really, but I remember doing like a lot of press as a kid. And I feel like I would maybe try to protect them from doing that a bit.

00:47:17 Speaker_08
Because sometimes I'll get quoted on something stupid. I said, I'm like, I was 13. That's not what I actually think. Like, I don't, you know.

00:47:23 Speaker_05
Sean, remember that time you paid that guy to bite you in the ass? Sorry, it just reminded me of that story.

00:47:32 Speaker_01
Surprisingly cheap too, wasn't it?

00:47:35 Speaker_03
Yeah, I mean, he lowered his rates for me.

00:47:40 Speaker_01
That's really funny. There's also the part about training yourself to believably be someone else at a time when you're trying to figure out who you are. Like starting to act when you're a little kid, did that ever screw you up at all?

00:47:54 Speaker_08
Uh, no, I think other things probably screwed me up. I don't know if that was it. What fucked you guys up?

00:47:59 Speaker_01
You feeling pretty balanced now? Self-analysis or professional analysis? I'm a big fan. Therapy, therapy, therapy.

00:48:07 Speaker_08
No therapy. I prefer to go undiagnosed.

00:48:10 Speaker_03
I love therapy. Yeah, me too.

00:48:12 Speaker_08
I should. I know if you guys... Long walks work too.

00:48:16 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:48:17 Speaker_08
Sean, you go to therapy?

00:48:19 Speaker_03
I go to therapy every week. I love it. Instead of dumping it all on Scotty, I just pay somebody to listen. Again, you pay somebody to dump it all on you. Damn it. You confused me. You beat me to it.

00:48:32 Speaker_01
All right, Kara, what about are we a sports fan, television show fan? You've said no.

00:48:42 Speaker_08
No, I don't do anything.

00:48:46 Speaker_03
I don't understand it.

00:48:47 Speaker_08
I don't know. I just don't have time. I don't even get to the gym.

00:48:49 Speaker_05
Do you meet people for coffee?

00:48:51 Speaker_08
No, I don't really even have friends anymore.

00:48:54 Speaker_03
and you just hang up. Kind of. What will you do after this, Karen, after you're done with this little... He's got to Zoom, and then he's got to go do more press.

00:49:01 Speaker_08
I got, like, a press thing, and I got the thing, and, you know, I like doing this. Hey, this is kind of a new one. I think I need therapy because I like doing... I like flower arrangements now.

00:49:08 Speaker_01
Do you really? Yes. Okay, there you go. Yeah, I do. I like doing that. That's great.

00:49:11 Speaker_08
That gives me some calm.

00:49:12 Speaker_01
What about a garden on the roof of your apartment?

00:49:14 Speaker_08
That's such a nightmare. It's New York. That's not gonna be nice, no matter how you frame it.

00:49:16 Speaker_01
There's public gardens. You can rent a public garden in a public- That's a bit of a bummer, too, I find.

00:49:22 Speaker_03
I'll do crafts with you till we fucking- Careful, Karen. All the time.

00:49:26 Speaker_08
Until what?

00:49:27 Speaker_03
Yeah, I don't know, but we could get macaroni and glue and make stuff on a paper plate.

00:49:31 Speaker_08
I can do that with my children, but yeah, please come on over.

00:49:33 Speaker_03
Don't have them over at the house. You can join us.

00:49:35 Speaker_08
We got all that stuff.

00:49:36 Speaker_05
He's turned into a morphine addict. He's gonna steal your silverware.

00:49:40 Speaker_08
It's not... I'll never leave him alone with the kids, but yeah, he can come over and supervise.

00:49:44 Speaker_01
Now, when do you start rehearsals on the play? Yeah.

00:49:47 Speaker_08
Oh, gosh. February or something like that.

00:49:49 Speaker_05
That terrifies me because... Can we get a commitment? Can the three of us come to the opening night of your play?

00:49:56 Speaker_08
Yeah, you're invited. Of course you can.

00:49:57 Speaker_05
The public is inviting, my stupid ass.

00:49:59 Speaker_08
No, I'm asking you to- You need me to, like, give up one of my five tickets to you three?

00:50:04 Speaker_05
Yes.

00:50:04 Speaker_08
I mean, I could. Yeah, fine. Fuck it.

00:50:06 Speaker_01
Yeah, leave him alone, though.

00:50:07 Speaker_08
I'm sure you have connections yourself, but fine. You three are my guests.

00:50:10 Speaker_01
We want to come.

00:50:11 Speaker_08
No plus ones, though.

00:50:12 Speaker_01
Exactly. Now, is Jazz in the business as well?

00:50:15 Speaker_08
No, not at all. No.

00:50:17 Speaker_01
But she understands enough about what you do to... It's taken a while.

00:50:22 Speaker_08
She used to... She used to think that, like, she goes, I don't understand why, like, actors get awards and things. She's literally thought that, like, directors puppeteered. the actor told them where to sit and the cadence on how to speak.

00:50:35 Speaker_08
So that's literally what her point of view was on it. She had never been on a set or anything around it, but she's come to understand it a bit now.

00:50:41 Speaker_05
Where'd she grow up, Chet? Yeah, like what's going on?

00:50:45 Speaker_08
London, but yeah, close. Closer than here.

00:50:48 Speaker_05
Oh, I do like London. You guys spend a lot of time over there as a result? We do.

00:50:52 Speaker_08
Yeah, I love it out there. I do too.

00:50:54 Speaker_05
I notice the throw pillow behind you. Yeah, that's what that is.

00:50:58 Speaker_08
Yeah, that's what we do here.

00:51:00 Speaker_01
Look at Sean, look at Sean's right eye. Oh my God, is it open? No, no, the whole show, it's just been half open. The left one's fully open. The right one is really tired.

00:51:13 Speaker_05
This morning, Sean spent 45, he spent 45 minutes bent at the waist outside his front door this morning.

00:51:21 Speaker_03
It's so true, it's so true. I was at the ER at Cedars and there's like, it was a seven hour wait. What?

00:51:28 Speaker_08
What is wrong with you? Why didn't you cancel?

00:51:31 Speaker_03
Because I had, there's no other option. Was Scotty with you? Yeah.

00:51:35 Speaker_01
So you didn't take the driverless cab this time?

00:51:38 Speaker_03
I told him, I'm like, fuck off, I'll just take the thing. That's sweet. What's it called again?

00:51:42 Speaker_01
Waymo. Waymo. And you did have a good experience, right? Yeah, I love the Waymo. Do they have that yet in New York, Karen?

00:51:51 Speaker_08
I've never heard of it.

00:51:52 Speaker_05
It's the driverless side.

00:51:53 Speaker_08
Oh, that scares the shit out of me. No, I haven't seen any here.

00:51:55 Speaker_01
How do you get around New York? Are you a bike rider?

00:51:58 Speaker_08
Oh, God, no, I don't do that either. See, that would fall under hobby, probably, or at least exercise, and I don't do that.

00:52:03 Speaker_05
Yeah, no.

00:52:03 Speaker_08
Are you a subway guy? Subway, yeah, yeah. That's the best way to get my kids to school and all that stuff.

00:52:07 Speaker_05
And if it's raining, you'd take a cab.

00:52:09 Speaker_08
Yeah. No, not today. It's rainy today.

00:52:13 Speaker_01
You know what I've never figured out about the subway is once you come up out of the stairs after you've reached your destination, I can't figure out whether I'm looking north, south, east, or west because I can't find the sun.

00:52:24 Speaker_08
Because you're used to getting in the back seat and your driver just taking you places?

00:52:28 Speaker_01
Sir, can you change your radio station?

00:52:30 Speaker_05
A whole host. I actually requested nobody talk to me on this ride.

00:52:40 Speaker_05
You know how you know a lot of the times, JB, is because on the avenues, certainly on the avenues, you know which direction they go, whether they go uptown or downtown, so you can kind of get a sense of that.

00:52:47 Speaker_08
You can look at the numbers. I think if you can count, you can sort of figure it out.

00:52:50 Speaker_01
Yeah, but that necessitates walking a block to see if the numbers are going up or down. That's my problem. Oh, gasp.

00:52:56 Speaker_08
Yes. Yeah. You might walk one block out of the way.

00:52:59 Speaker_01
Yeah. But, like, I shouldn't have to walk a block to figure out which way I'm going.

00:53:03 Speaker_08
Well, you also have, like, smarty phones now.

00:53:05 Speaker_05
Do you want to go to a council meeting in New York? Maybe you can be heard, you know what I mean?

00:53:10 Speaker_08
What would you suggest? There's somebody at the exit of every station telling you where to go?

00:53:14 Speaker_01
In England, they take the time to paint on the road there, look left, you know? Like, maybe New York can say, you are facing north on the ground.

00:53:22 Speaker_05
Yeah, but it doesn't say which direction you're facing.

00:53:25 Speaker_01
No, but I'm saying... Case dismissed.

00:53:29 Speaker_08
That's so you don't get hit by a car.

00:53:31 Speaker_01
No, I understand, but I'm saying there are efforts that the infrastructure folks can go to, you know, to help out the people on the road.

00:53:38 Speaker_05
This is real stuff. Sean, remember last week you were having dinner at Richard and Jenny's and you came outside and I was bent over at the waist, this is true, and I said, and I looked at him and I go, yeah, hi, Alan.

00:53:47 Speaker_03
Do you remember that? I was one of the hardest people ever left in my life. Wait, what? Being hunched over at the waist. You know Richard, Richard Ehrlich?

00:53:54 Speaker_01
Yeah. The world's best realtor. If you're looking for a house in Los Angeles area, contact Richard Ehrlich. That's a true story. That is a true story.

00:54:01 Speaker_03
And we walk out to our car as the night's over and we're walking out to his driveway and Will goes acting like he's completely bombed out of his mind. He goes, Hey, man, can I ask you something? I go, yeah.

00:54:14 Speaker_03
He goes, do you know where I can get some heroin? I'm just asking for a friend. I'm asking for heroin. I'm asking for a friend.

00:54:22 Speaker_05
I don't want anything to do with it. By the way, let's not make light of people who are struggling with it. No, of course not. We're just having fun because Sean happens to be hooked on morphine. Oh God, I don't know what he's addicted to.

00:54:40 Speaker_05
Karen, Karen, this is it. We could just talk to you all day knowing that you have nothing else to do.

00:54:45 Speaker_00
No, he's got to do this all over again.

00:54:47 Speaker_05
He's got to do it all over again, right? Is there anything you want to ask Sean? Is there anything, because you've listened to a few episodes, is there anything you need to know from Sean? Go ahead. Ask him why he hates his colon so much.

00:54:57 Speaker_08
Yeah, why is he always in the hospital? What is wrong?

00:55:00 Speaker_03
No, because my, yeah. Well, I'm not, just my heart thing was the big, is the big thing, but it's all being taken care of.

00:55:06 Speaker_05
Well, you know why, Kieran? If you went to Sean and Scottie's house every day, every meal, it's like a 12-year-old's birthday party. This is true. Okay. I know.

00:55:14 Speaker_00
It's true, it's true. Napkins on laps. I kind of eat the same.

00:55:17 Speaker_08
I'm kind of the same when it comes to the food thing. Are you?

00:55:21 Speaker_00
Yeah. You like the food?

00:55:23 Speaker_08
I do, and it's the shitty stuff. Like, my wife the other day reached in and grabbed some Cheetos that I was eating, was about to, and then she let go and said, what am I doing? Wait, what are you doing? Where did these come from?

00:55:34 Speaker_08
And I said, they were in the house. She goes, how? Stop putting this in our house.

00:55:38 Speaker_05
How old a man are you?

00:55:40 Speaker_08
And I can't be eating like that.

00:55:43 Speaker_01
Do you guys take turns going to the market and doing the shopping?

00:55:46 Speaker_08
Yeah. And then, you know, I do that thing where I shop hungry and then I'm buying the, I find that they have like that chicken and a biscuit, you know, those like box of crackers. I love those. I'll buy them by the case.

00:55:57 Speaker_01
I love just pushing the cart row by row by row. No list at all. I'm just going to go down each row, however long it takes. I'm going to look at everything and see what I want.

00:56:05 Speaker_08
But you don't put anything in the cart, right?

00:56:06 Speaker_01
Oh, no. I fill it.

00:56:08 Speaker_05
J.B., I love hearing you describe sort of normal, you know, everyday necessity for people as a novel idea. You know what I mean?

00:56:15 Speaker_08
It's like a fun— Hashtag relatable. You know what I like to do?

00:56:17 Speaker_05
I like to walk into an office and, like, peek into all the places.

00:56:21 Speaker_08
I like to pretend I have a job.

00:56:26 Speaker_05
Amazing. Amazing. Uh, Kieran Culkin, what a delight you are. You are an absolute delight.

00:56:31 Speaker_08
You guys are fun. You're a good man.

00:56:34 Speaker_05
You'd be a good dinner hang. Maybe we'll hit you up for dinner in New York.

00:56:38 Speaker_08
Come see the show. Yeah, I want to see the show.

00:56:40 Speaker_05
I really want to see the show.

00:56:41 Speaker_08
Let's all hang out and do the thing. You guys never do repeat guests on your show either, right?

00:56:46 Speaker_05
We have done it on live. When we did the tour, we did some repeats and had some friends. I remember that.

00:56:50 Speaker_08
I watched that doc. He was great.

00:56:52 Speaker_05
Yeah, yeah.

00:56:52 Speaker_08
That's when I learned from you, Jason, and I think about it every time. I'm about to shake a salad. You said, don't shake it. You remember that? You put, like, whenever you put the dressing in a salad, you went, don't shake it.

00:57:02 Speaker_01
Don't shake it.

00:57:02 Speaker_08
I think of it every time now, and I go, oh, wait, I'm not supposed to shake it. Then I go, wait, why?

00:57:06 Speaker_03
What's wrong with you? Let it cascade. Why? Shake it. Shake it. You gotta shake it to get it even.

00:57:10 Speaker_00
You gotta, yeah. I'm a pretty vigorous shaker now. Let it cascade.

00:57:16 Speaker_08
What a T-shirt. Let that dressing... See, merch. This is what you guys need. More clothes like that.

00:57:22 Speaker_03
Let it cascade.

00:57:23 Speaker_08
That's a sweater right there.

00:57:24 Speaker_03
And the Tracy one. That's right.

00:57:25 Speaker_08
Yeah, and the Tracy one, which she wears.

00:57:27 Speaker_05
Talk to me like I'm Tracy. I will come and see you. You are a guy who you deserve all the success that you're having now, especially considering how hard you worked and how talented you are. Such a massive fan. Dude, honestly, what a thrill to have you.

00:57:39 Speaker_05
Yeah, keep going. This is a dream come true.

00:57:41 Speaker_08
I mean it. Thanks, guys. KC, KC.

00:57:43 Speaker_01
Big, big fan. See you in a few months. Go get them. Bye, guys. Bye, Kieran. Thanks, pal. And he's slamming it.

00:57:50 Speaker_08
They told me to not slam it, but I'm slamming it.

00:57:52 Speaker_05
Who says not? No, no, don't slam it.

00:57:54 Speaker_08
They said don't slam it. Because you've got a redundant record.

00:57:55 Speaker_05
Are you doing a record at home or something?

00:57:57 Speaker_08
I am, that's why. I got to do a thing. Wait, do I do a thing now and then I slam it?

00:58:01 Speaker_05
Do your thing and then you can slam it.

00:58:02 Speaker_08
This is a great goodbye. I don't know how to do it. What do I do? What do I do with the thing?

00:58:06 Speaker_05
I don't know what I'm... So if you bring your mouse to the bottom, do you see that little sound icon?

00:58:10 Speaker_08
No. Yes, no, yes. Click on that. Yes, and then I hit stop. Hit stop and then hit save. You guys gotta use this as part of the goodbye. Okay, I press stop and then no, I just press stop. I don't see anything that says save. We're fucked.

00:58:22 Speaker_00
At the top left, file and save.

00:58:25 Speaker_08
Share, save. So embarrassing. Save these. So embarrassing. Oh my God, this is such a great goodbye. This is all in the show. Yeah, use it. I'm done? Do I fucking slam it now?

00:58:34 Speaker_06
Yeah, slam it. Slam it. Love you, bye.

00:58:36 Speaker_08
Love you, bye.

00:58:40 Speaker_01
Now there's a nice young fella, Will. There is a nice young fella, you're right. What a great guest.

00:58:44 Speaker_05
That was a good guest. Good guest, I've been excited to have him. And like I said, we had to reschedule and that was a whole thing, but I was like, oh God, we were so close to getting him. So glad we had him on. I've always wanted to meet him.

00:58:58 Speaker_01
It was worth the wait. The interviews I've seen him do, it's like, God, that's a great guy. I wonder if they just got him on a good day. I hope he's really like that. And he really is, what a nice guy. He really is like that. I want to work with them.

00:59:11 Speaker_01
I want to hang with them.

00:59:12 Speaker_05
Hey, Sean, now, as you scan the buys... I wanted to talk to him about his... I saw his eyes scan.

00:59:20 Speaker_03
Well, I'm about to watch Home Alone again, because we watch it every year, and he's got a little part in Home Alone. Yeah, I love that.

00:59:26 Speaker_01
I bet she's still getting residuals on that. They're not thick ones anymore, but fun to see all that.

00:59:34 Speaker_05
Actually, you know what film he was in? He was in the first one and also the second one. Which was what? Father of the Bride!

00:59:43 Speaker_04
Bride! Bride! That was pretty good.

00:59:48 Speaker_02
That was pretty good.

01:00:00 Speaker_05
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