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Episode: fake it til you make it? advice session

Author: emma chamberlain
Duration: 00:45:01

Episode Shownotes

hello and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and i give you my unprofessional advice. today we have a slew of topics, all of which relate in some way or another

to personal turmoil - doubting oneself, struggling with oneself, learning about oneself... personal turmoil. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Summary

In the episode 'Fake it til you make it? Advice session', Emma Chamberlain tackles dilemmas from listeners revolving around self-doubt and personal turmoil. She emphasizes the distinction between intuition and anxiety, advocating for acceptance of past experiences as part of self-discovery. Emma discusses the importance of self-care and authenticity while navigating relationships and loneliness. Through shared insights, she encourages a positive mindset and community engagement as means to overcome feelings of isolation, fostering personal growth and self-esteem in the process.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (fake it til you make it? advice session) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_00
Hello, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and I give you my unprofessional advice.

00:00:13 Speaker_00
And then hopefully from there, you take the advice with a grain of salt. And today we have sort of a slew of topics.

00:00:19 Speaker_00
all of which relating in one way or another to personal turmoil, doubting oneself, struggling with oneself, learning about oneself, personal turmoil. I feel like life is just one personal turmoil to the next, to be honest.

00:00:42 Speaker_00
Like, I'm kind of always in some sort of personal turmoil, if I'm being honest. Like, the second one ends, another one begins. I'm always fucking solving some sort of internal issue, I feel like. I think most of us are.

00:00:56 Speaker_00
I think, unfortunately, that's just kind of what life is. Constantly bettering yourself, figuring out yourself, you know, like it's, that's just kind of how it is. Without further ado, let's begin. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb.

00:01:12 Speaker_00
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00:01:27 Speaker_00
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00:01:42 Speaker_00
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00:01:54 Speaker_00
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00:02:10 Speaker_00
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00:02:18 Speaker_00
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00:02:31 Speaker_00
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00:02:46 Speaker_00
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00:04:11 Speaker_00
Somebody said, how does one learn to understand their intuition? But to be honest, I'm still learning how to trust my intuition.

00:04:25 Speaker_00
I'm a very anxious person and I think trusting intuition is particularly challenging for those who have anxiety because I'll be really anxious about something and I'll convince myself that I'm having an intuitive moment.

00:04:38 Speaker_00
Like, I'll be flying on an airplane. Honestly, last night is a great example. I was on an airplane last night, okay? From Denver, Colorado to Los Angeles. Now, something about flying out of Denver is that there's a lot of winds and mountains.

00:04:52 Speaker_00
It's kind of a turbulent ride, at least in the beginning. Very bumpy. I really, really believed last night while in the Colorado airplane turbulence that I was going to die, that something was going to go wrong.

00:05:07 Speaker_00
Even though if you Google, is turbulence dangerous? It's not. But I really had a hard time last night. I fully had a panic attack on the plane. I was really anxious. I felt like something was going to go wrong.

00:05:17 Speaker_00
And then the turbulence made it 10 times worse. And I fully had a panic attack and cried. My dad was sitting next to me on the plane. He's like, dude, all good. Everything's totally fine. I'm like crying. It was not good. Okay. Why was I crying?

00:05:31 Speaker_00
Because I had convinced myself that my fear, the fear that I was experiencing was intuition that something was going to go wrong.

00:05:42 Speaker_00
No, it was just anxiety because I recently, within the last few years, developed a fear of flying and because there was a lot of turbulence. Not even that much, to be honest. There was turbulence, but it wasn't that bad.

00:05:55 Speaker_00
And because for one brief second, one of the flight attendants looked a little bit concerned. And I was like, are they concerned because the plane is crashing? It's crashing. What's happening? They were probably concerned because

00:06:06 Speaker_00
I don't know, like they left their phone on one of the little airplane countertops, you know what I mean?

00:06:11 Speaker_00
Anyway, trusting your intuition is particularly challenging when you're an anxious person because anxiety feels like a gut feeling and that's exactly what intuition is.

00:06:23 Speaker_00
However, upon doing research about the difference between anxiety and intuition, I've learned that a lot of times intuition is far less panicked. It's often instinctual and like automatic and just it feels like the next best thing to do.

00:06:41 Speaker_00
You know what I mean? Like it just feels like this is what feels right. According to psychologytoday.com, anxiety tends to manifest as a physical discomfort, such as tightness in your chest, a racing heart, or a feeling of restlessness.

00:06:56 Speaker_00
Anxiety often feels urgent and overwhelming and not in a good way. Intuition arises from a deeper inner knowing, often unexplainable but clear.

00:07:06 Speaker_00
And this is something I try to remember in moments when I'm trying to distinguish if I'm having anxiety or if I'm having an intuitive moment, Anxiety is chaotic, whereas intuition is a bit more, it's a bit more guided. You know what I mean?

00:07:23 Speaker_00
And I don't know. But once you sort of figure out the difference between anxiety and intuition, then you're left to deal with intuition itself, which is its own complicated sort of thing.

00:07:34 Speaker_00
Because we have a lot of things getting in the way of our intuitive voice. We have the opinions and actions of others. We have societal norms. We have our personal fears and weaknesses. There are so many different things clouding our intuition.

00:07:59 Speaker_00
I honestly think that my intuition is the strongest and the most clear when I have shit sorted out. Okay? Let me give you an example. If I have bad friends or if I'm dating a guy that's not good for me, I'm not hearing my intuition, okay?

00:08:19 Speaker_00
If I'm surrounding myself with the wrong people, I'm not hearing my intuition.

00:08:23 Speaker_00
If my priorities are out of whack because I've been on the internet too much and I don't know, I'm like stuck in the internet world and my morals and values are a bit off because I'm not existing in the real world, I can't hear my intuition.

00:08:38 Speaker_00
If I'm not having discipline with myself and I'm kind of slacking in my life, not holding myself accountable, talking shit about people all the time, not being a good friend. I mean, I feel like I'm a pretty good friend, but you get my idea.

00:08:55 Speaker_00
If I'm slacking in my life, not doing the right thing, not holding myself accountable, I can't hear my intuition. So I think it's interesting, what I've noticed in my own life is that intuition just comes to me.

00:09:06 Speaker_00
It's not even like I need to search for it or anything. As long as I'm working on myself constantly. We're a work in progress at all times, you know what I mean?

00:09:18 Speaker_00
There's always things to improve on, there's always things to get better at, there's always more to learn. And if I'm on a continuous path to keeping myself in check, keeping myself

00:09:30 Speaker_00
in as healthy of a mental physical state as possible, if that's constantly what I'm working on and working towards and I'm up keeping that as much as possible, the intuition just comes to me. It's clear to me what the next step should be in my life.

00:09:47 Speaker_00
It's clear to me that something feels off here. It's clear to me that something feels really good here. Everything becomes clear when you're not being clouded by all of those other variables and the only way to sort of

00:09:59 Speaker_00
You can't really eliminate all those variables, but silence those variables is to constantly be strengthening yourself in all ways. Surround yourself with good people who don't judge you, who make you feel safe.

00:10:13 Speaker_00
Constantly be working on your self-esteem and self-confidence through being a good person, working hard, rewarding yourself sometimes. You know, it's like all these different things that are just mundane and it's the dirty work.

00:10:27 Speaker_00
But the fruit of that labor, I mean, there's a lot of fruits of that labor, a lot. A more fulfilling life, but also a better connection with your intuition. It's so tough. And you're not always going to be in touch with your intuition.

00:10:41 Speaker_00
There's going to be moments where you're like, God, I feel so disconnected from myself.

00:10:45 Speaker_00
And it's in those moments that you just have to reset and be like, all right, I just need to focus a little extra hard right now on taking care of myself and getting back to a healthy place where I can actually hear my intuition speak to me in a way, you know, like, even though I don't feel like intuition speaks, but I'm more using that as a metaphor.

00:11:07 Speaker_00
I feel like intuition is more it's like a feeling that I can't even explain I think all of us can sort of relate to that it's just a deeper knowing you just you don't know why you know you just know but I almost think of it like if you have all this noise going on you know about like if you're in a toxic friend group or you're in a you know shitty relationship or

00:11:29 Speaker_00
If you care too much about what people think of your sense of fashion or if you are too concerned about seeming bougie to people or whatever, if things are off, right, things aren't good, and there's a lot of noise going on in your brain about shit that ultimately is not productive, you will not be able to hear your intuition.

00:11:51 Speaker_00
That's what it really is. So it's about figuring out ways to silence the noise. And then the intuition just comes. but it is an ongoing journey and you're going to constantly have to rebuild your connection to your intuition.

00:12:03 Speaker_00
It's like a constant, you can't just like get there once and then you're done forever. It's like a constant, it's like stoking a fire. You know what I mean? If you don't tend to the fire, that shit will go out and you'll have to start the fire again.

00:12:18 Speaker_00
But you can tend to the fire and it'll get bigger and then smaller and then bigger and smaller. It's like that. Okay, next. Somebody said, how to learn to let go of things in life. This is a great question.

00:12:31 Speaker_00
And to be honest, I don't know that I necessarily believe in expecting oneself to fully let go of things. I don't think that that's realistic. I have not let go of a lot of stuff. When I think of letting go of something,

00:12:50 Speaker_00
I think of fully setting it free, letting it become a distant, distant memory. I think that that's something that can happen eventually. I think it's a really complex goal to set. I want to let go of this.

00:13:04 Speaker_00
That's like a really daunting task that's kind of out of your control. Like, for example, when we go through a breakup, how awesome would it be if we could just snap our fingers and let go of our ex?

00:13:15 Speaker_00
When somebody betrays us, how amazing would it be to just be able to snap your fingers and let it go and trust people as though nothing has ever happened to you in the past that has made you believe that you should do otherwise?

00:13:31 Speaker_00
To me, that's an unrealistic goal. It's unrealistic to say, you know what, I'm just going to let go of my ex. You know what, I'm just going to let go of what that person did to me.

00:13:40 Speaker_00
I'm just going to let it all go and proceed forward in my life without it. I just don't, listen, now it might just be my own personal interpretation of the saying, you know what I mean?

00:13:52 Speaker_00
But I don't think that that's a helpful way of phrasing it, like let go of stuff. It's hard to let go of stuff and you can't really control it. What I think is a better goal is to learn to accept things.

00:14:08 Speaker_00
So a good example would be, let's say somebody wronged you. Instead of saying, I'm gonna let this go and move forward without this attached to me, right? Like, this is all metaphors, right?

00:14:21 Speaker_00
But it's like, I'm gonna move on from this and let it go so that it's no longer a part of me in a way. I'm no longer upset about it, it no longer, taints the way that I see the world. I'm letting it go.

00:14:35 Speaker_00
I don't know if you can, like, you cannot control when it, when that happens. And also, I don't think that's realistic.

00:14:42 Speaker_00
Negative experiences and even traumatic experiences, or even more mundane, like frustrating experiences, all shape the way that we exist in the world. These things teach us what we want to do moving forward, what we don't want to do moving forward.

00:14:59 Speaker_00
We hold on to these things for a reason. And so I think it's unrealistic to expect ourselves to let go of these things. What we should do instead is just accept that these things happened. Okay, you know what? This person wronged me. It hurt my feelings.

00:15:14 Speaker_00
It burned me. I'm sad. I've now lost a friend and lost a little bit of faith in humanity. That fucking sucks. I wish I could let it go and sort of forget it, that it ever happened and, you know, move forward. But that's kind of unrealistic.

00:15:28 Speaker_00
So instead, I'm just going to accept that this is something that happened to me. and find peace in that acceptance. That's honestly my suggestion. Instead of trying to learn how to let go of things, learn how to accept things.

00:15:43 Speaker_00
Accept that shitty stuff happens. Accept that not everyone's going to treat you how they want to be treated, and not everyone's going to treat you how you treat them. Painful stuff happens. Frustrating things happen. Unfair things happen.

00:15:56 Speaker_00
Like all of this stuff. And it's going to happen over and over and over again throughout our lives. And I think the first goal should be to accept that as a reality. And then from there, things just eventually get let go.

00:16:12 Speaker_00
But it's almost like you can't let go of things until you accept them. And that is so true to me to a point that that's why I'm like, I don't even think we should ever have a goal to just let go of stuff.

00:16:22 Speaker_00
It should be a goal to just accept stuff because the second that you accept things, it becomes a hundred times easier to then let go of it. And it's almost like that's a natural next step.

00:16:33 Speaker_00
But also you can't rush yourself to let go of stuff like friends that have burned me, exes that have done shit to me that really hurt my feelings and fucked with my head, you know, traumatic experiences that I've had in my life.

00:16:46 Speaker_00
It's taken me years to let go of some of that shit. Some of that shit I haven't let go of yet. Some of that shit I still am having a hard time accepting. I'm still battling with every day. And that's the other part of it.

00:16:58 Speaker_00
You have to be patient with yourself. It's like having a crush. How awesome would it be if we could just let go of having a crush whenever we wanted? That would be fucking awesome. We would get heartbroken a lot less, that's for sure.

00:17:11 Speaker_00
Some shit we just can't control. Our brain does what our brain wants to do. And so we must be graceful and patient with ourself as we're trying to accept things that we ultimately, hopefully, want to let go of one day.

00:17:25 Speaker_00
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00:17:33 Speaker_00
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00:18:36 Speaker_00
Dating can be exhausting. Even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming. You know, I'm not somebody who loves casually dating. I like to be in a relationship.

00:18:47 Speaker_00
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00:19:00 Speaker_00
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00:19:15 Speaker_00
Somebody said, fake it till you make it. Is this actually good advice? You know, I think it depends. I think that sometimes fake it till you make it is good advice.

00:19:27 Speaker_00
I think especially when the reason why we need to fake it is because we're trying something that we've never tried before, and as a result of that, we're nervous and we don't believe in ourselves.

00:19:42 Speaker_00
Like, if you're starting a new job, let's say it's your first time working in a sales office. You know what I mean? And yeah, you went to school and you studied sales and stuff, but like you don't know how to make a sale yet. Like you've never done it.

00:19:58 Speaker_00
I think it's great advice to tell somebody in that situation on their first day of work to fake it till they make it. Pretend like you've been in sales for 30 fucking years. You know what I'm saying? Why not?

00:20:08 Speaker_00
You know, if you're on a date and you're so nervous and you're so, You're just overwhelmed. You're like, I don't feel like anyone's ever going to love me like this. I've gone on enough dates. It always fucking goes wrong. Fake it till you make it.

00:20:22 Speaker_00
Pretend to be excited. Pretend to be confident. Pretend, pretend, pretend, pretend. And then it'll become real. You know, I do think there's some value to faking it till you make it.

00:20:33 Speaker_00
But I do think that there is sort of a fine line between faking it till you make it and just being fake. You know what I mean? It's like, I think faking it till you make it is like, it's sort of a short-term solution, right?

00:20:47 Speaker_00
It should not be considered a long-term solution. I think we can all use our own judgment to sort of figure out, okay, when is it harmless and ultimately empowering and beneficial to fake it?

00:21:01 Speaker_00
When you need to just build enough confidence to try something new. Great. When is it not sort of a net positive thing? When does it become a net negative thing? I would say it sort of goes wrong when you're not faking in good faith.

00:21:21 Speaker_00
You're faking to cheat your way to the top, to cheat your way to success, right? So, for example, Faking it till you make it becomes manipulative when you're on, let's say, a date with somebody and you know that they love football.

00:21:39 Speaker_00
So you're fake interested in football.

00:21:41 Speaker_00
You'd read up on football before, you know, you go on a date with them and you learn about all the teams and all the players and then you go into this date and you're faking it because you want to go on a second date with this person.

00:21:51 Speaker_00
You really like them. So you're literally faking who you are as a person to make it with this person. That is not good. So see, the difference with this date example is that faking it till you make it is negative when you're lying and manipulating.

00:22:07 Speaker_00
It's positive when you're just faking a little bit more confidence than you actually have. And then eventually you'll be like, all right, I'm good. I'm good. I don't even need to fake the confidence anymore. I actually have the confidence now.

00:22:18 Speaker_00
but you're not manipulating anyone. You're not harming anyone. You're just hyping yourself up a little bit. Or your first day at the sales office, you're making sales on the phone and you're talking like you've been doing it for 30 years.

00:22:31 Speaker_00
That's fine as long as you're not lying to the people that you're selling to or manipulating them, you know, to buy stuff. You see what I'm saying? As long as you're being truthful,

00:22:42 Speaker_00
and it's being used as a tool to try new things, I think it's positive.

00:22:47 Speaker_00
I think we just must avoid manipulating others because I think, I don't know, I mean I think most people probably are aware of this, but I don't know, I mean maybe not, and I think fake it till you make it can be good advice.

00:23:04 Speaker_00
I think it's something that we should use as sparingly as possible. I think that ideally, as often as we can be honest and completely authentic to ourselves, the better. However, there are times when we have to fake it till we make it. We can't

00:23:18 Speaker_00
We cannot build enough courage to do something without faking it a little bit. Do you know what I'm saying? We need that as a tool. It's good to have in the toolbox, but it's something that we shouldn't have to use.

00:23:29 Speaker_00
We should maybe use sparingly, I guess. That's my opinion. Next, somebody said, how to deal with being single when all of your friends are in relationships? This is definitely challenging.

00:23:44 Speaker_00
However, I think there's quite a few ways to sort of combat this. Number one, I think it's important to remember when all of your friends seem to have something that you don't, that your time will come.

00:23:56 Speaker_00
Unfortunately, life is unfair in the sense that things can happen to the people around us and not to us at the same time, which feels unfair, right?

00:24:06 Speaker_00
When all of our friends are in a relationship or all of our friends just got a new job or whatever, and we're left behind a little bit, it doesn't feel good, but it's, it's inevitable. And I think it's important to remember that your time will come.

00:24:22 Speaker_00
And that's something to look forward to. You know, if, if you have the mindset that, Oh my God, all my friends are in relationships and I'm not, I probably will never find anyone. Then it's going to be a miserable time.

00:24:33 Speaker_00
You're going to look at your friends and you're going to be jealous and spiteful and you're going to go home feeling like shit about yourself.

00:24:41 Speaker_00
But if you can change your lens a little bit and look at your friends that are in a relationship and think to yourself, that's going to be me at some point. I don't know when. I don't have a crystal ball, but that will be me at some point.

00:24:54 Speaker_00
That helps immensely. Just a slight, slight little mindset shift. Beyond that, I think it can be really helpful to set up plans with your friends that don't include the significant others.

00:25:07 Speaker_00
So let's say you have a friend group, like let's say it's a girl group, right? It's you and all your girls. And all the girls have boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever. They're all in relationships and you're alone, okay? Be like, you know what girls?

00:25:23 Speaker_00
Let's do a little girls night. You know what I mean? Let's do girls night. Watch a movie. Eat food. Just us. Girls night. Plan stuff without the significant others.

00:25:37 Speaker_00
Not only is that good for you because you get to have sort of quality time with your friends and you don't have to necessarily be around all couples all the time, but also it's good for your friends that are in relationships because they also need to have social interaction with other partner.

00:25:53 Speaker_00
So it's beneficial for everyone. Another thing that can help is make more friends. Now, I know, that's kind of a steep ask. It's very hard to make friends and I'm fully aware of that. However, keep your eyes peeled for other single people in your life.

00:26:10 Speaker_00
Maybe you can hang out with them a little bit more often. Maybe you have a co-worker or something or someone you sit kind of close to in class or something who you know is also single. Hang out with them a little more often.

00:26:22 Speaker_00
Make some more single friends. That can be really nice.

00:26:25 Speaker_00
And last but not least, I think whenever you are lacking something in your life or you're waiting for something to come in your life, something that can make you feel a bit more in control of the situation in a healthy way is to start to figure out what you're looking for.

00:26:41 Speaker_00
So let's say you're manifesting a job. Start manifesting what that job's going to look like. In this scenario, you're looking for, you know, your next partner. Start manifesting what that person is like.

00:26:52 Speaker_00
I, after every single breakup I've ever gone through, I've gone into my phone and I've written down what I want next time that I didn't have the last time.

00:27:01 Speaker_00
And my list is becoming more and more specific every single time where I'll break up with someone and then I'm like, okay, there's a lot that went wrong here. Here's everything that went wrong.

00:27:12 Speaker_00
here are things that are mandatory for the next relationship. And I just kind of start manifesting.

00:27:18 Speaker_00
Now, I'm not telling you to manifest like, I want a boy who's 24 years old and has brown hair and has an extra toe on their left foot and has a belly button that's exactly one centimeter in diameter. Like, okay, relax.

00:27:35 Speaker_00
Like I'm talking about what are non-negotiables for you in your relationship? Okay. Like I can name some of mine. Number one, I need somebody who I can be fully myself around. Sounds simple. It's not. I've only ever experienced that once. I'm 23.

00:27:51 Speaker_00
I've been in quite a few relationships at this point. I've only been able to be myself with one person ever. Okay? It's kind of crazy, but it's, that's a non-negotiable for me.

00:28:01 Speaker_00
And I realized that and I was like, all right, we're never, I'm only going to do that for the rest of my life. That is non-negotiable. I need somebody who I can be myself around. Okay. I want somebody who does not trigger my anxious attachment style.

00:28:15 Speaker_00
I want somebody who can help me on the journey to developing a secure attachment style. I want somebody who gets along really well with my family, who just clicks with my family. You know, there are various things that are really important to me.

00:28:27 Speaker_00
And so, in these moments of being single, I manifest what I want next. I sort of think it through. And it's nice because it's like you're building a plan. And building a plan always feels good.

00:28:41 Speaker_00
I don't think there's any scenario in life where building a plan is bad. Actually, some people would argue that It can be kind of toxic to plan things too much. I think you can never plan too much. I love planning.

00:28:52 Speaker_00
I mean, you kind of have to be open to things evolving and not being able to follow the plan all the time, but you get my idea. And yeah, listen, your time will come, okay? So try to make the meantime positive, right?

00:29:05 Speaker_00
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Visit IMES.com slash difference to learn more. Somebody said, how to be okay with being completely alone for so long, not having friends, how to be satisfied with my own company. Well, it's okay to be lonely.

00:31:16 Speaker_00
Like it's one thing to be satisfied with your own company. It's another thing to be chronically lonely. And humans are social creatures. Okay. I hear that quote all the time by various, I don't know, scientific podcasters. Okay.

00:31:33 Speaker_00
And like fucking on clips, like I'll see like clips of podcasts about mental health and it'll be like, humans are social creatures and we're lonelier than ever. I see people saying stuff like that on the internet all the time. And it's true.

00:31:49 Speaker_00
There are sort of two levels to this question. The first part, how to be okay with being completely alone for so long, not having any friends. Can I be completely honest? It's okay to not be okay with that. It's really uncomfortable.

00:32:07 Speaker_00
And I think the best thing that you can do is to make it a priority to make friends. Because it's one thing to be in a phase of loneliness because you're searching for new friends actively and you just haven't found your people yet. That's one thing.

00:32:22 Speaker_00
It's another thing to be really lonely and not have any friends and not really be sure what to do about it. If you're completely alone and you've gone a long time without friends, my first question is, are you looking? Because we do need people.

00:32:39 Speaker_00
You know, we need other people. And in moments when we're feeling lonely and upset, our number one priority should be to start looking for community. Where can you find community? Do you want to go volunteer at an animal shelter? Do you want

00:32:57 Speaker_00
to start hanging out at the library more often? Do you want to start hanging out at cafes more often? Do you want to start going to the gym where there's other people or go to workout classes?

00:33:06 Speaker_00
Do you want to join a Facebook group about your favorite book series? Like, how can you find some sort of community? Now listen, does it take time to find those communities? And in the meantime, are you going to be a bit lonely? Yes.

00:33:24 Speaker_00
And how do you manage that? I think, honestly, my best advice is kind of similar to the last piece of advice I gave about all of your friends being in relationships and you not being in one.

00:33:35 Speaker_00
It's about manifesting what you're looking for in friendship, figuring out what that is so that you can look for it even more clearly in your life. Better yourself in the meantime. Work on yourself in the meantime.

00:33:49 Speaker_00
find hobbies that you like, work really hard, get a bunch of shit done, you know what I mean? And hold out hope. It's normal to be upset when you're lonely. You don't need to be okay with that, you know what I mean?

00:34:02 Speaker_00
It's okay to be upset by that and to feel like shit. But I think it's easier to manage when it's a feeling that you're experiencing as you're looking for new friends. But you know what? Making friends is fucking tough. Okay? It's hard. It is not easy.

00:34:20 Speaker_00
And so a lot of people just feel more comfortable being sad and lonely. you know, it's almost easier that way, but I can tell you, it's so rewarding to put yourself out there.

00:34:32 Speaker_00
And then the second part of this question is how to be satisfied with your own company. Now, that's kind of its own beast, right?

00:34:41 Speaker_00
Because we have to sort of be satisfied with our own company, whether we have friends or not, because we're all gonna be alone sometimes, you know, we can't be around people all the time. And for people who are sort of like me,

00:34:55 Speaker_00
50% introverted, 50% extroverted, being alone is pretty comfortable for me, right? I'm satisfied with my own company.

00:35:02 Speaker_00
For people who are fully introverted, they're faced with a different challenge, which is, how do I find the energy to be around people? Because that's inevitable, right? I think it's hardest for people who are extroverted, really extroverted.

00:35:16 Speaker_00
It's really hard to be satisfied with your own company because you feel the most recharged and rejuvenated when you're with people. I think being satisfied with your own company comes down to a few things.

00:35:27 Speaker_00
Number one, not being afraid of what's going on inside of your brain. It's very hard to be alone when you're afraid of your own brain. So first step is to sort of figure that out.

00:35:38 Speaker_00
If you struggle with really bad anxiety or if you find that when you're alone, you maybe say mean things about yourself, the first step is to find a way to get that under control, whether it's talking to a therapist

00:35:51 Speaker_00
or coming to terms and accepting your anxious thoughts or your mean self-talk and being like, you know what, okay, I accept that this is something that happens when I'm alone. Let me try to fix it.

00:36:04 Speaker_00
First and hardest step is to become comfortable with your own brain. It's a complicated journey. I'm like, I'm not even digging into it. I'm barely scratching the surface. Okay. That's a very complex challenge. But that's key.

00:36:18 Speaker_00
And then from there, I think it's about filling your time responsibly, right? Spending your time alone, bettering yourself in some way.

00:36:26 Speaker_00
Now, bettering yourself doesn't necessarily have to mean like, I'm reading a book about chemistry and only ever doing my homework.

00:36:35 Speaker_00
Like, bettering yourself could be, you know, watching a new movie that just came out that you really want to see, that none of your friends want to see. Because you enjoy movies, okay? Or working on a hobby.

00:36:48 Speaker_00
Or listening to music that you like that your friends don't like. Or music that you like and your friends like. But you get the idea. Like doing stuff that is enriching for your soul. Making alone time special and enjoyable.

00:36:59 Speaker_00
Doing things that leave you feeling better after, not worse. Spending your alone time doing things that are ultimately net negative will make you think that alone time is bad.

00:37:12 Speaker_00
If you spend all of your alone time on your phone, you're going to hate being alone. If you spend all of your time alone spiraling and having anxiety, you're going to hate being alone. You have to find ways to make your alone time enjoyable.

00:37:26 Speaker_00
And that takes a lot of work. But it's absolutely worth it because once you can learn to enjoy alone time, then you get to enjoy alone time and it can be really delightful.

00:37:38 Speaker_00
Somebody said, what is the difference between just being scared to try something and actually knowing it's not for you? I mean, I think a big part of this is using logic and reasoning, right? Like, okay, am I qualified to be doing this scary thing?

00:37:55 Speaker_00
Yes or no? Am I gonna die if this goes wrong? Yes or no? What do I have to lose? How does my gut feel about it? And by that, I mean, when you close your eyes and think about the task at hand, Does doing it feel like it's going to be impossible?

00:38:13 Speaker_00
Like, does the thought of it feel heavy and impossible? Or does it feel like it's going to be challenging, but there's an excitement, there's a lightness to the thought? I tend to use sort of logic and reasoning in these scenarios, right?

00:38:29 Speaker_00
Like, for example, I was really, really scared to do the Met Gala interviews, okay, the first time, right? Doing the red carpet interviews for the Met Gala. I had never done any sort of red carpet interview in my life.

00:38:46 Speaker_00
I was terrified, terrified beyond belief, okay? I was, I can't even express to you how terrified I was. I was like, and I was in denial of my fear, but I was very, very afraid. And there was kind of a lot on the line.

00:39:00 Speaker_00
If I did a bad job, it could fuck up my career to an extent. Public opinion of me could shift. People could be like, ew, that girl was fucking bad at those interviews. She sucks. We don't want to watch her videos anymore.

00:39:12 Speaker_00
We don't want to listen to her podcast anymore. Whatever. You know, we're not going to buy her coffee anymore. Like there's always risk, right? But I knew that it was worth a try and it was worth the risk. And I wasn't going to die. You know what I mean?

00:39:26 Speaker_00
I was like, you know what? I'm scared because it's something I've never done before, but the worst case scenario is not that bad. Okay, so what? People think I'm annoying. They unfollow me. They block me. Whatever. Who cares? You know what?

00:39:40 Speaker_00
At least I tried it, and it all ended up being okay. So I think as long as things are not dangerous, for the most part, I think we should try as much stuff as we possibly can, even when we're scared. Actually, especially when we're scared.

00:39:56 Speaker_00
And last but not least, somebody said, how do I stop thinking that I'm never going to be loved? Oh, I understand this. And I think there's a few things that help that require going to the root of the problem.

00:40:14 Speaker_00
Number one, you need to figure out where you got that idea. Why do you think that you're never going to be loved?

00:40:20 Speaker_00
Is it because there were maybe people in your family that you felt like didn't love you, have past relationships, fucked with your perception of your lovability, if you will? You know, what created this idea about yourself?

00:40:36 Speaker_00
and unpack it, dissect it, you know, figure out why you feel that way. And through that, prove it wrong, prove it wrong.

00:40:45 Speaker_00
By dissecting and understanding where you got an idea, you can very easily be like, wait a minute, this idea is founded on inaccurate information. For example, let's say you believe that you'll never be loved because your ex

00:40:57 Speaker_00
like so ruthlessly broke up with you and you thought that that was going to be your soulmate and that you were going to get married and be in love forever. And then they broke up with you and it made you feel like now you'll never be loved. Okay.

00:41:08 Speaker_00
Unpack that logically. Now, what will you find? You'll find, okay, number one, just because one person, one person in the grand scheme of life where there's bazillions of people that we meet, not really, but you know what I mean?

00:41:22 Speaker_00
One person, for whatever reason, didn't want to be with you. Now that somehow means that no one will ever want to be with you. Nobody will ever love you romantically. Come on. That's unrealistic. That's ridiculous.

00:41:34 Speaker_00
There's billions of people on the planet. You think because one of them didn't love you that now no one ever will? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up. Do the math.

00:41:43 Speaker_00
Now, it's the same thing with even if you have a family member that you feel like didn't love you enough or didn't love you at all, which is an incredibly challenging and fucked up thing to deal with.

00:41:53 Speaker_00
That, of course, will make you feel like you'll never be loved. You're like, if somebody who's supposed to love me, my family, does not love me, how am I supposed to believe that anyone ever will? Well, it's the same thing.

00:42:04 Speaker_00
It's the same thing as, you know, not being loved by your ex. It's just a bit more complicated and a bit more challenging to get through. But like one person not loving you, even 10 people not loving you, does not mean that you will never be loved.

00:42:20 Speaker_00
Now that's sort of dealing with external factors. Then you have internal factors. A lot of times we don't think it's possible to be loved because we really don't like ourselves. When my self-esteem is low, I'm like, no one should love me.

00:42:35 Speaker_00
I'm disgusting. I'm horrible. I'm a piece of shit. I'm hideous. I'm dumb. Why would anyone love me? I think it's really helpful to constantly be up keeping your self-esteem. in order to feel lovable.

00:42:49 Speaker_00
And that means constantly working on being a good person, constantly working on bettering yourself so that you can have as strong of a self-esteem as possible, you know?

00:42:59 Speaker_00
And I've talked a lot about how to build self-esteem, so I won't go on and on about that, but fixing your self-esteem can really help with that.

00:43:07 Speaker_00
Because if you think that you have something to offer to others, whether that's just being like a kind, comforting person, or that's being a very generous person, or that's being a really fun person to be around, or that's being somebody who has good taste, who shows people cool stuff, like once you understand what you bring to the table,

00:43:25 Speaker_00
you can understand why people would love you. Yeah, I get why people would love me because I cook really yummy food and I'm really fun to be around.

00:43:32 Speaker_00
Or, yeah, I know why people would love me because I give really good hugs and, you know, I give really thoughtful gifts and I'm funny. Like, you know what I mean? Whatever.

00:43:43 Speaker_00
When you see your own value, then you're like, yeah, I can see what people would see in me. And then you're not stuck thinking like, why would anyone ever love me? I suck. Because you're like, no, I actually don't suck.

00:43:51 Speaker_00
And I get why people would love me because I'm kind of awesome. And there it is. That's all I have for today. Thank you all for listening.

00:44:01 Speaker_00
If you enjoyed this episode and you enjoyed Advice Session, new episodes of Advice Session every other Sunday and new episodes of Anything Goes in general on Thursdays and Sundays, every Thursday and Sunday. Stream anywhere you get podcasts.

00:44:16 Speaker_00
Find Anything Goes on social media at anythinggoes. Find me on social media at emmachamberlain. And find my coffee company at chamberlaincoffee.com or at chamberlaincoffee on social media. I love you all. I appreciate you all.

00:44:29 Speaker_00
Thank you for listening and hanging out. I hope you enjoyed this. And if you did, we'll hang out some more in a few days. Okay. I love you all. Talk to you later and bye. Love you. Bye.