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Episode: Ep 273: Rose Matafeo (Christmas Special)

Author: Plosive
Duration: 01:17:04

Episode Shownotes

Merry festivities! We’re back with our first Christmas special, and our very special guest diner is NZ comedian and ‘Junior Taskmaster’ host, Rose Matafeo. Rose’s new special ‘On And On And On’ is on Max on 19 Dec. ‘Junior Taskmaster’ is on Channel 4, Fridays at 8pm. Watch it here.

Follow Rose on Instagram @rosematafeo Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Full Transcript

00:00:13 Speaker_03
Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking one of the ingredients of eggnog, adding in the humour of the other ingredient of the eggnog, and pouring it into whatever internet that you drink the eggnog in.

00:00:24 Speaker_03
I don't know anything about eggnog, but I feel like I should have... I'm doing a Christmassy-themed intro, James.

00:00:28 Speaker_00
Yeah, it's... you know, some people would have gone off. Nutmeg? Nutmeg, yeah, definitely. Nutmeg of the internet. That is Ed Gamble, my name is James Acaster, together we own a dream restaurant, Merry Christmas.

00:00:39 Speaker_00
And every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start and main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is... Rose Matafeo!

00:00:50 Speaker_03
Rose Matafeo, a wonderful comedian, writer, director, actor. So many things going on in Rose's life James Incredible and it's a Christmas episode as well.

00:01:00 Speaker_00
So we'll be asking Rose her dream Christmas dinner as well We will the little extra course in there. Happy Christmas, by the way. Happy Christmas Ed.

00:01:07 Speaker_03
Happy Christmas Benito. Happy Christmas Benito Benito gave us a thumbs up didn't even look us in the eye.

00:01:12 Speaker_00
It's nice of him Now, even though it's Christmas, there is a secret ingredient that if Rose picks it, we will be forced to kick her out of the dream restaurant. On Christmas. On Christmas. Of all days. We won't feel good about it. No.

00:01:23 Speaker_00
And this week, the secret ingredient is... Horn dogs.

00:01:27 Speaker_02
So, I don't think... I mean, she's not gonna pick it, because I don't know what it is.

00:01:31 Speaker_00
Rose did a show called Horn Dog. I guess we're thinking that it sounds like hot dog. Yeah. Hot diggity dog? I did a show called Hot Diggity Dog, of course. Maybe that will come up. You've both done dog shows. Dog shows, yeah, yeah.

00:01:40 Speaker_00
But, I mean, Horndog essentially is a horny person, I think. Yes, I think so. But, uh, it sounds like a food. Yeah. And look, people might get annoyed at this and go, well, she's clearly not going to pick it because it's not a food. It's Christmas, guys.

00:01:51 Speaker_00
It's Christmas. Come on. It's Christmas. Relax. And we're running out of secret ingredients. Yes. What do you want from us? Anything that sounds like a food now is making it in.

00:01:58 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:01:59 Speaker_02
The secret ingredient for the entire next series is Horndogs. Yeah. That's what the secret ingredient section will always be.

00:02:04 Speaker_03
Rose did a brilliant show called Horned Dog at the Edinburgh Fringe. It won the Edinburgh Comedy Award. Yes. Of course. First time nominated for it and it won.

00:02:15 Speaker_00
Yeah. Incredible. So it can be done, James. It can be done. It can be done and won. You could just get it over with. Full respect to people who do that. In and out. I mean, look, again you're just going to reveal the schedule of the Off Menu podcast.

00:02:32 Speaker_00
We're interviewing two Edinburgh Comedy Award winners today. Let's see how many of my questions of how did you do it will end up in the edits.

00:02:42 Speaker_04
I love it.

00:02:43 Speaker_02
Yeah? Oh no, of course you do. Yeah. I'm in the best position. Yeah. Never in the running. Yeah, don't have to worry about it.

00:02:50 Speaker_00
Very chill about the whole thing. He loves it. Well look, it's Christmas so maybe, maybe they will tell me the secrets.

00:02:57 Speaker_03
Yes. They'll wrap them up. Yeah. The secrets of the awards. Yeah. I'm looking forward to hearing what food Rose picks though, because she's a foodie.

00:03:06 Speaker_00
She's a foodie, she loves food. Christmas dinner as well, we're gonna have. Yeah, I like hearing what people have for Christmas dinner each time. It's always a little bit different.

00:03:14 Speaker_02
Yeah, and it will be different, because what do you have for Christmas dinner in New Zealand? No, that's a self-advocate.

00:03:21 Speaker_00
Without further ado, because we don't want him doing that again.

00:03:24 Speaker_02
What do you want for Christmas dinner in New Zealand?

00:03:26 Speaker_00
This is the off-menu... In District 9. This is the off-menu menu of... Rose Matafeo!

00:03:33 Speaker_02
Welcome, Rose, to the Dream Restaurant.

00:03:46 Speaker_06
Welcome, folks, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. I'm so happy to be here, guys.

00:03:52 Speaker_03
We've been to lots of restaurants together before. Yeah, we have. We've been to lots of restaurants. You seemed really annoyed when you said, yeah, we have.

00:03:57 Speaker_06
No, there was such an explosive entry that I got overwhelmed.

00:04:01 Speaker_03
Yes, yeah, yeah. I got overwhelmed. That's on me. People do get overwhelmed by the genie, and that's fine.

00:04:06 Speaker_00
But at least we've met before. Imagine when we have guests on who don't know me. They don't like that bit.

00:04:12 Speaker_06
We have been to a lot of restaurants before. Love dining out.

00:04:15 Speaker_03
You're a foodie, you know what you're talking about.

00:04:16 Speaker_06
Well, yeah, I guess so I'm a foodie. Do you think I know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I think so.

00:04:20 Speaker_03
You know what you like.

00:04:23 Speaker_06
Who's not a foodie?

00:04:24 Speaker_01
Loads of people.

00:04:24 Speaker_06
You know, once actually for the very brief, brief spell I was ever on Hinge, one of the, you know, they had to do prompts. You can choose your own prompts.

00:04:32 Speaker_01
Right.

00:04:32 Speaker_06
And one of the prompts was a favorite meal. And then the person answered, not a foodie.

00:04:39 Speaker_04
You got to choose that, man! Yeah, also you can not be a foodie and still have a favourite meal. Yeah, to not even have a favourite meal. Yeah, just pick something boring that you have every day.

00:04:50 Speaker_00
But yeah, you're one of the first people who like, I remember, would Google, where's the best place to eat? Like, I haven't met anyone who did that before.

00:04:57 Speaker_06
Really?

00:04:58 Speaker_00
But it'd be like, right, we're going for tacos, we have to go and get the best tacos. I feel like that's important to you.

00:05:03 Speaker_06
Yeah, I think they can get quite annoying sometimes, especially on holidays where you've got two people like that. I once went on holiday with a couple of my friends and my friend Eddie was the same.

00:05:14 Speaker_06
And so we would be both on Google Maps, Google Reviews, kind of warring as to where to go. But I think the technology Not the technology, but the community of Google reviews has gotten so much better since back in the day where I do that.

00:05:28 Speaker_06
And yet, and I feel guilt about this, I have never given back to the community. I have never once written a Google review. Have you guys?

00:05:35 Speaker_03
No.

00:05:36 Speaker_06
We can't though, right? Because our names would come up and that'd be quite weird.

00:05:40 Speaker_03
Are you reading the names? I'm not reading the names. I'm reading the names. You're reading the names.

00:05:43 Speaker_06
Oh my God, I'm taking names. I'm taking names, taking numbers. I read Google reviews for comfort at night. I will go to restaurants that I've never been to, have no intention of going to, and just read every single review. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:58 Speaker_06
And just kind of aggregate some sort of scoring or review from all the ones I read. But I do feel good because I rely on them so much.

00:06:04 Speaker_03
Yeah, and you're never giving back.

00:06:05 Speaker_06
I've never really given back.

00:06:07 Speaker_03
What's your threshold on Google reviews for a restaurant, star-wise?

00:06:12 Speaker_06
I looked up a place that I had been recently and it got a 2.4 and I was like, wow, I was surprised.

00:06:17 Speaker_00
And you liked it?

00:06:18 Speaker_06
I didn't mind it, but then the reviews were much more... I think there are different categories of a bad 2.4. One is like, poor food hygiene. And there's a second category of like... the person who works there has named in all of these reviews.

00:06:32 Speaker_03
It's the best when it's like, the woman who wore this, and you're like, I'm pretty sure that's the same person as was mentioned in the previous one.

00:06:40 Speaker_06
You're connecting the dots, you're building this picture. A Google review section tells a whole story, for sure. There was this particular roast shop where they were like, Yeah, the woman is so rude. And you could tell it was the same woman.

00:06:53 Speaker_06
And then there's the thing where it's like, when they start responding to the bad reviews, that's awesome as well.

00:07:00 Speaker_06
I looked up the Google reviews for a laundromat, no longer functioning, great laundromat, but the photos that were uploaded was just the laundromat where the car had smashed into the window. And from multiple angles.

00:07:19 Speaker_06
And I was like, who's uploading that to the Google review section of it?

00:07:24 Speaker_03
It's just, yeah. But when it's like a long list of bad reviews, like one stars, and they're all about a rude member of staff, that makes me want to go to that place.

00:07:34 Speaker_03
It's like, I hope I go there and I get that person and I get to see the celebrity, the rude lady.

00:07:39 Speaker_06
I also think that some of them are smear campaigns. You can tell sometimes because then they'll start responding saying, you're trying to basically shut down businesses. You can just go and totally mess up someone's review score.

00:07:54 Speaker_06
I've seen that happen before.

00:07:55 Speaker_03
You can see different account names giving one star, but they'll use similar terms of phrase in the reviews. Like, this is the same guy. This is the same guy. He used to go out with a rude lady.

00:08:10 Speaker_00
It's like Zodiac Killer giving himself away. James is obsessed with Zodiac Killer today for some reason.

00:08:15 Speaker_06
Hey, I'm obsessed with Zodiac Killer in general, but why today? Because there's a new Netflix show.

00:08:19 Speaker_00
Yeah, I watched that. Was it good? Yeah, love it. He knows who did it. I definitely know who the Zodiac is. I can't stop thinking about it.

00:08:26 Speaker_03
4.2 and above for me, I think, stars-wise on Google reviews. Do you reckon?

00:08:30 Speaker_06
That's pretty high.

00:08:31 Speaker_03
Yeah, well if I'm looking for someone good, I'm not going below 4. Never. If I see 3.9, I'm not going for it.

00:08:36 Speaker_06
Okay, but it has to do with how many reviews, though, as well. Like, a 4.2 and a 3 reviews.

00:08:41 Speaker_03
Very true, yeah. But if it's got like 1,000 reviews and it's 4.2, rock solid.

00:08:45 Speaker_06
If it's got 1,000 reviews and it's 3.8, I'm still giving it a shot.

00:08:48 Speaker_03
Really?

00:08:49 Speaker_06
Yeah, I'm going to go recent. Then I'm going to sort of filter by most recent because it could be that they've gotten better. I'm going to give it a go.

00:08:57 Speaker_03
No, I think in this country you've got to go four and above because everyone gives five stars as a default for stuff.

00:09:03 Speaker_00
How do you feel about the use of the term in this country there?

00:09:06 Speaker_06
In this country? Yeah. That was interesting, eh?

00:09:08 Speaker_00
Yeah, that was interesting for me.

00:09:10 Speaker_03
Well, if you let me make my second point... We've all been to Japan this year. They're much harsher markers. So you can look for a 3.5 and it's going to be an amazing restaurant.

00:09:22 Speaker_03
Because you read some of the reviews, translate some of the reviews, and they're going, this was excellent, the food was really nice, the service was good. Three.

00:09:30 Speaker_06
Wow!

00:09:31 Speaker_03
They're like solid.

00:09:32 Speaker_06
Okay, so it is different. Right, right, right.

00:09:34 Speaker_00
Hence my use of the term this country. But they're reviewing it like food critics properly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a friend who does that with Uber ratings. You know, everyone else just does five and that's it.

00:09:44 Speaker_06
Yeah.

00:09:45 Speaker_00
And unless they're the worst driver in the world, in which case you just don't review them.

00:09:48 Speaker_06
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:49 Speaker_00
I have a friend who's probably like, that's a freestyle. He's like, what are you talking about? They add comments to it? They have reasons.

00:09:57 Speaker_00
When you ask him why have you given that star rating, he'll say the things that were good, things that were bad about it. But is he doing that in the app, though? You can't be that specific.

00:10:06 Speaker_00
No, he doesn't add comments, he just will do the star rating that he thinks is appropriate for the journey.

00:10:10 Speaker_06
Does he know what his rating is?

00:10:11 Speaker_00
No, actually. I should ask him what his rating is. I imagine not great.

00:10:15 Speaker_06
Yeah, but then they don't know. He could be a really amazing passenger.

00:10:17 Speaker_00
Yeah, they don't know what he's rating. Yeah, he is quite a good passenger. Before we start your meal, you've got a comedy special coming out, Rose. It's very exciting. What can you tell the listeners about it?

00:10:27 Speaker_06
It's a comedy special. It's a taped version of a live show I've been doing over the past year. I don't know when it's coming out in this place. This country. This country. This country. This country. Our country. Yeah, it's a show I've been doing.

00:10:44 Speaker_06
I did Melbourne and Edinburgh and stuff. And it's honestly just stand up. Last time I did a lot of screens and I was like, I can't be Do you know what I mean? Like, it's just me talking. And it turns out, that might not be that interesting.

00:10:55 Speaker_06
This is the worst promo. It's called On and On and On. And I guess that's all I've been doing. Junior Taskmaster as well. It's on right now.

00:11:06 Speaker_03
It's on right now. Punk kids.

00:11:09 Speaker_06
Punk kids.

00:11:10 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:11:11 Speaker_06
I'll say that.

00:11:12 Speaker_03
There's a lot of punks in there. There's a lot of very precocious kids.

00:11:15 Speaker_06
But they're all lovely.

00:11:16 Speaker_03
And some very sweet kids as well. It's a good mix of kids.

00:11:19 Speaker_06
Very good mix of kids. Very, very much like a Willy Wonka-esque mix of kids. Do you know what I mean?

00:11:25 Speaker_01
But nice versions.

00:11:26 Speaker_00
So they have it like, you know on like regular Taskmaster, they have like, always have an elder statesman. Is there one kid that's like 9? There kind of is, because it's all from 9 to 11, you know.

00:11:36 Speaker_06
Where is he? I always think that, they're all aged from 9 to 11.

00:11:45 Speaker_03
I'm like, why did you choose those?

00:11:51 Speaker_06
Wow. His twins. That's the funny thing, when you're a kid and someone's a year older than you, you're like, whoa, man. Tell me about it. Tell me about the year above, dude. Yeah, so that's all the things I've done.

00:12:03 Speaker_03
Where can people watch the special?

00:12:13 Speaker_06
Still or sparkling? Still, thank you. Sorry, I was trying to match your energy there. I would love some still.

00:12:20 Speaker_03
Yes. Not a sparkling fan? No. Or a big fan of still? I'm a big fan of still.

00:12:25 Speaker_06
Sparkling makes me burpy, does remind me of Willy Wonka when he has the fizzy lifting drink. That's how I feel when I have sparkling.

00:12:35 Speaker_00
Also, I once worked... How do you feel about that scene in Willy Wonka? Is that a sad scene for you?

00:12:40 Speaker_06
It's a sad scene because Grandpa Joe absolutely does him the dirty. I really do find that actually quite an emotional scene because Charlie is, he didn't do anything wrong and he gets told off so bad at the end of that.

00:12:52 Speaker_06
And it's fucking Grandpa Joe who's like, let's just do it. And then yeah, and then the roof has to be washed and sterilized and it's a sad, so that probably from a very young age taught me not to drink.

00:13:04 Speaker_03
So sparkling water reminds you of fizzy lifting drink, but the telling off that Charlie gets at the end of having fizzy lifting drink.

00:13:11 Speaker_01
I don't like getting told off.

00:13:12 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:13:13 Speaker_01
It's a horrible telling off. I really hate getting told off. Like big time.

00:13:17 Speaker_03
I want to make sure everyone knows that I'm in a position where I can't be told off at all times. But when I think of the fizzy lifting drink scene, I'm thinking of them floating in the air doing burps. I'm not thinking of the telling off at the end.

00:13:29 Speaker_00
I know. I think even as a kid, first time I saw it, I was thinking they're gonna get told off for that. I was like, that's bad.

00:13:36 Speaker_06
That's bad, man.

00:13:38 Speaker_03
Especially by Wonka. Getting told off by Wonka, man.

00:13:43 Speaker_00
That Wonka especially. I wouldn't care if Johnny Depp's Wonka was telling me off. You'd be like, come on, mate. You've been up to all sorts of nonsense. But like, wasn't what I was thinking. But Gene Wilder's Wonka is, you know.

00:13:58 Speaker_06
Also, Grandpa Joe, after you've just seen Violet Beauregard become a blueberry, Augustus Gloop fall into a fucking chocolate river. All of these lessons learned. And he goes, oh Charlie, come, stick back, let's do something.

00:14:12 Speaker_06
What happens to Mike TV again?

00:14:14 Speaker_00
Gets shrunk real small. Gets shrunk real small.

00:14:16 Speaker_06
And then he has to get stretched, doesn't he?

00:14:18 Speaker_00
Yeah, he has to go and stretch him.

00:14:19 Speaker_06
He has to go stretch him. He goes shrunk real small. And he gets put in his mummy's handbag. But... we get to see a big old block of chocolate. And that is a good bit. Sorry, I didn't mean to derail the podcast into Willy Wonka chat so early.

00:14:36 Speaker_03
No, you simply took the podcast in the direction we like it to go.

00:14:39 Speaker_00
Yeah, I'd love to talk. We haven't actually talked about that film on this podcast.

00:14:43 Speaker_06
Are you kidding?

00:14:44 Speaker_00
We have.

00:14:45 Speaker_03
So many times. I'd say maybe on 12 episodes, but I don't think we've not delved into the telling off after the Fizzy Lifting Room. I've watched it so much as a kid. I love it.

00:14:55 Speaker_06
I think it's one of my top 10 favourite films. I have actually looked into trying to buy on Etsy the wallpaper, lickable wallpaper, how you make it, and you can melt down sweets and then paint it, and then so it becomes, you know.

00:15:10 Speaker_03
That's a very Rose thing to have done.

00:15:11 Speaker_06
That's a very me thing to do, yeah. But to look into it and then absolutely do nothing about it.

00:15:14 Speaker_03
No, no, no, I see.

00:15:15 Speaker_06
I have a thousand tabs on it.

00:15:17 Speaker_03
I'd say definitely the looking into it would take a long time. Looking into it, imagining how you're going to do it. And then I think you would go as far to do it. Post pictures of it and stuff.

00:15:26 Speaker_06
I have mentioned Willy Wonka so much in stand-up. I'm obsessed with his mum and the massive wooden spoon that she does that laundry soup with, you know?

00:15:36 Speaker_00
Oh, Charlene's mum?

00:15:38 Speaker_06
Yeah, Charlene's mum. When she sings her sad song. She's got a massive salad tong.

00:15:43 Speaker_00
You remember all the saddest bits from Willy Wonka, don't you? There's a lot of sadness in there, I guess.

00:15:49 Speaker_06
There's a huge amount of sadness. That and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I think are really, actually, truly dark films of the 70s, children's films of the 70s, that have a lot of amazing food moments, but also a lot of sad emotional moments as well.

00:16:00 Speaker_03
I'm just flying car, right? That's what I'm remembering. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Childcatcher.

00:16:04 Speaker_06
You're remembering Childcatcher?

00:16:06 Speaker_03
Yeah, sure, but he's a laugh, isn't he? No. He's dancing around all over the place. What are you talking about? He's horrible. Come on.

00:16:11 Speaker_00
He's got lollipops. Trickle tarts.

00:16:13 Speaker_03
Yeah. When he's like walking around the courtyard, like trying to get the children to come out, that's pretty scary. Yeah. He's awful. Yeah.

00:16:20 Speaker_06
The king and queen of... They hate children. I kind of like them, to be honest.

00:16:26 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:16:26 Speaker_06
I vibe with them. She's hot. She's hot. Have you seen her recently?

00:16:31 Speaker_00
Not on YouTube. Recently?

00:16:35 Speaker_06
If you haven't recently seen a video of her, you've got to check it out.

00:16:39 Speaker_03
She's hot. As a little tip for you guys listening, go and check out the Queen from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

00:16:44 Speaker_06
You'll see those outfits at Ann Summers. She's got a corset on, long plaits, it's crazy. So yes, still please, still, because sparkling water is so bad for your teeth.

00:16:53 Speaker_03
Yes, so we keep hearing, but I feel like now and again it's probably fine.

00:16:58 Speaker_06
Oh yeah, for a treat. For sure.

00:17:00 Speaker_00
What temp do you want this still water?

00:17:02 Speaker_06
Okay, I wasn't really... Yeah, I didn't know there would be a follow-up question. You know what? Just a little bit above room. I do love a cold water though, but again, is it bad for the health? Do you think cold water is bad for the health?

00:17:14 Speaker_06
Yeah, really cold water because you're heating it up in your body, like it should be room temp.

00:17:18 Speaker_03
I really think if you're worrying about that, how are you getting through life, right?

00:17:22 Speaker_06
You're worrying about that, you're trying to, you know, you're taking your son's blood or whatever to... I don't know, like whatever that tech billionaire does.

00:17:29 Speaker_03
Yeah, that guy's not drinking cold water.

00:17:34 Speaker_06
And he's harvesting his son's plasma.

00:17:36 Speaker_02
That poor son. What's he going to do when he's older?

00:17:41 Speaker_06
Upload his brain to a USB or something?

00:17:43 Speaker_03
Yeah, that's true.

00:17:44 Speaker_06
Leave his body to his dad?

00:17:46 Speaker_03
I can't wait for the brain USBs.

00:17:48 Speaker_06
I'm not only can't wait, I'm relying on them. I'm relying on them to come through with that tech.

00:17:56 Speaker_03
Are you going to save bits of your brain?

00:17:59 Speaker_06
I think it's more San Junipero kind of Black Mirror vibe of like, pop me in a simulation for the rest of time. Pop my brain on the USB.

00:18:07 Speaker_00
What simulation would you want to be in? Oh, shit. Where would you want to be?

00:18:10 Speaker_06
That's a good question.

00:18:11 Speaker_00
Is it somewhere you've never been before, or is it a happy time in your life?

00:18:14 Speaker_06
Probably somewhere I've never been. So it doesn't feel like Groundhog Day. So, supermarket. I'd have been to a supermarket, but that'd be great. Just be in a supermarket for the rest of time. No, I don't know. Yeah, that's a good question.

00:18:27 Speaker_03
Not the chocolate factory. No, not the chocolate factory. You don't want to go there?

00:18:30 Speaker_04
No, I don't want to get told off. Yeah. This is your simulation, you don't have to be told off. You could be wonker.

00:18:34 Speaker_03
Of course I'd be scared of being told off. Not if you're wonker, although you're constantly worried about slugsworth. It's a factory, Ed.

00:18:41 Speaker_04
There are rules. I don't want to go in that factory. Of course there's rules in that factory.

00:18:46 Speaker_00
There's no rules in that factory, really. He's making up stupid rules. If there's no rules, why is he telling people off, Ed?

00:18:52 Speaker_03
Yeah, because he's got a problem, that guy. But when Rose is Willy Wonka in her brain simulation, then the whole factory's going to run out of control.

00:19:00 Speaker_00
It's going to go nuts because there's no rules. There has to be some order for there to be some fun.

00:19:03 Speaker_03
Okay. Well, there you go. That's the most Rose Montefiore sentence I've ever heard in my life.

00:19:14 Speaker_06
I think I come unprepared. Yeah, poppadoms, poppadoms.

00:19:18 Speaker_03
Why poppadoms over bread? I don't think of you as anti-bread.

00:19:23 Speaker_06
I'm not anti-bread. I mean, I love putting a carb against a carb. I quite often poll people on bread versus rice. So if you were to choose one for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

00:19:33 Speaker_03
Bread, obviously.

00:19:34 Speaker_06
Oh, rice, man.

00:19:35 Speaker_03
I didn't realise there was a right answer.

00:19:37 Speaker_06
There is a right answer, yeah. I've done your rank your meats question to you as well.

00:19:43 Speaker_03
Yeah, I think so.

00:19:44 Speaker_06
Yeah, it's a good one. But with poppadoms and bread, poppadoms, man, the crunch, the taste, the salt, the volume, the amount you can eat. It's just, yeah, no question.

00:19:55 Speaker_06
If you're in a restaurant and someone brings out a plate of poppadoms, you're thrilled. You're like, can I have more?

00:20:01 Speaker_04
Bread is like... Depends what restaurant, though. If you have an amazing bread,

00:20:05 Speaker_06
Yeah, but the spectrum of bad bread to good bread is much wider, I think, than a bad poppadom to a good poppadom.

00:20:11 Speaker_03
That's true.

00:20:12 Speaker_06
I think it's much more consistent.

00:20:13 Speaker_03
Yeah. Are you dipping anything with the poppadoms?

00:20:16 Speaker_06
I'm laying stuff on top. I can't dip. Too weak. I mean, it depends on the quality of the poppadom, really, but I'm going a mango chutney. Mango chutney, then the raita.

00:20:29 Speaker_03
On top of the mango chutney.

00:20:30 Speaker_06
Yeah.

00:20:31 Speaker_03
So you're sort of piling, you're piling.

00:20:33 Speaker_06
I'm piling.

00:20:34 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:20:34 Speaker_06
And then maybe if I'm feeling insane, a tiny sliver of the onion one. But not now. Not at this age.

00:20:42 Speaker_00
Not at this age. What's happened at this age?

00:20:44 Speaker_06
Onions, man.

00:20:45 Speaker_03
Onions. Not your friend.

00:20:47 Speaker_06
I've recently been diagnosed with silent acid reflux.

00:20:51 Speaker_00
Have you? This is an exclusive to the podcast guys. Here we go, it's never happened before.

00:20:56 Speaker_03
This is like when Stephen Fry went on Rehabilitate.

00:21:00 Speaker_06
This is the emotional bit that you clip out. I have been recently diagnosed with silent acid reflux at the tender age of 32.

00:21:09 Speaker_06
which is a form of acid reflux where I don't get heartburn, but it goes all the way up and it has given me mild laryngitis for years now.

00:21:19 Speaker_03
So silent acid reflux. But deadly. Silent but deadly.

00:21:25 Speaker_06
Silent but deadly, because it's not giving you heartburn, so you don't know you have it.

00:21:28 Speaker_03
So it's fine then?

00:21:29 Speaker_06
No, because it gives you acid reflux in the night and stuff, so I gotta have Gaviscon, which is... I cannot stand the stuff, it's terrible.

00:21:40 Speaker_03
I just want to nail down, if it's giving you acid reflux but you're not feeling it.

00:21:43 Speaker_06
I'm feeling it, but I'm not getting the heartburn. So it's silent in the sense that heartburn is usually the biggest symptom of acid reflux, which I have not experienced.

00:21:54 Speaker_03
So what are your symptoms then for acid reflux?

00:21:56 Speaker_06
Are you doubting?

00:21:58 Speaker_03
No, I'm not. I'm saying, I'm trying to nail down. I don't know what the other symptoms are. So you said you're feeling it. How do you feel it? Coughing in the night.

00:22:06 Speaker_06
Post nasal drip. Constant, relentless, mild laryngitis.

00:22:13 Speaker_01
Yes, thank you. Do you want a note? I got a note.

00:22:16 Speaker_06
Recently sent from the doctor.

00:22:20 Speaker_03
Silent acid reflux.

00:22:22 Speaker_06
Well, it means that I have to stop, you know, eating late and, you know, figuring out where your triggers are and all that stuff. It's sad, isn't it?

00:22:30 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:22:31 Speaker_00
And onions are a real trigger for that.

00:22:33 Speaker_06
I think onions and garlic, isn't it?

00:22:34 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:22:35 Speaker_06
It sucks, man.

00:22:37 Speaker_00
What was the final thing that made you go to the doctors and go, I've got to sort this problem out? But you didn't know it started out as a reflux at the time.

00:22:44 Speaker_06
Well, I completely lost my voice after a run of shows. And so I went to the, and in that, yeah, I went to an ENT doctor and he put the camera down my nose. And I saw my vocal cords, saw my throat. That was pretty freaky.

00:22:57 Speaker_06
Do you put a camera down your nose? Yeah, really good question. Back and to your nose?

00:23:01 Speaker_03
Because I guess you go back and down, don't you?

00:23:03 Speaker_06
Back and down, back and down to the throat.

00:23:04 Speaker_03
But you go, do you go up and back and down?

00:23:06 Speaker_06
It's up and back and down.

00:23:07 Speaker_03
It's up and back and down. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. He did say that.

00:23:10 Speaker_06
He did say that he was doing it. He was like, up and back and down. Up and back and down.

00:23:16 Speaker_00
Let's get into your menu proper.

00:23:17 Speaker_06
Okay.

00:23:18 Speaker_00
Dream starter.

00:23:19 Speaker_06
Okay. You're so crazy. Can I just say this? I don't believe in starters.

00:23:24 Speaker_00
Yeah. Good on you.

00:23:26 Speaker_06
I don't.

00:23:27 Speaker_00
Oh gosh.

00:23:27 Speaker_06
I knew. Okay. So I knew that you were, I mean, look, I'm not so familiar with this podcast.

00:23:31 Speaker_03
We've had starters before together.

00:23:33 Speaker_06
Yeah, I know. I know.

00:23:34 Speaker_03
And I think starters are... Didn't he fucking complain in that?

00:23:37 Speaker_06
I think starters, oh, I'm not complaining, because it's food, it's more food. Starters, I think, are a stuffy remnant of restaurant culture, where it's like, oh, I have my little starter, and then I have my, fucking bring it all out, man.

00:23:52 Speaker_06
I don't want a little goddamn, it's always a terrine or some shit, you know, like, I don't care. It's always a terrine. It's always a scallop, maybe. Yeah, I just, I think starters as a thing, I, scallops are nice, as I heard.

00:24:09 Speaker_06
Scallops are actually nice. But yeah, I think for me, genuinely, because I would prefer to eat as much as I can as fast as I can. I think pacing myself, that's where I fuck myself. So I, as my starter, I choose a Japanese wax figure of, food.

00:24:30 Speaker_06
So I'm choosing wax. I can't answer any more questions.

00:24:37 Speaker_00
You have been into these things for a long time. Wax or resin? When did you get into the wax foods and watching videos of them on YouTube?

00:24:48 Speaker_06
Probably from a long time ago. I think Werner Herzog actually did a documentary clip about this that was on early YouTube. Since then, a lot more content is on YouTube about the Japanese art of making fake food. You guys would know this.

00:25:06 Speaker_06
You've both been to Japan this year.

00:25:08 Speaker_03
Also, I'm married to my wife.

00:25:11 Speaker_06
This is true.

00:25:12 Speaker_03
I've seen it happen. And also we have a big melting wax ice cream on our mantelpiece from Japan. Yes.

00:25:19 Speaker_06
Well, they have... Wax is sort of an old, more old school version.

00:25:23 Speaker_03
I think this is resin, maybe.

00:25:24 Speaker_06
This is resin, yeah. So the most popular YouTube video is watching people make lettuce and wax. But it's just, it's honestly one of the most beautiful things to watch. It brings a tear to the eye.

00:25:36 Speaker_03
Are these the same things that, so there's a video that my wife Charlie watches a lot and is like, I'll come watch this video again. Amy Sedaris is obsessed with fake food and has a whole house full of fake food.

00:25:50 Speaker_03
And Charlie shows that to me as if like, oh, this is what I want to be. I want to be this lady. I'm like, I don't see anyone else living with that lady.

00:26:00 Speaker_06
I mean, we've got that in common massively. But fake food is so, so, oh, it's so exciting. I mean, for those who don't know what I'm talking about, it's in Japan, right?

00:26:11 Speaker_06
Instead of like menus sometimes in the windows, you'll make fake versions of the meals and they're just so accurate. It's insane. And they used to do it out of wax, now they do it out of plastic. But yeah, the process is absolutely incredible.

00:26:23 Speaker_03
There's districts in Tokyo where all of the shops just sell those things. And it is fun to look around at them. I do like it, and I really like the pint glasses with the beer pouring into it. I really like that one.

00:26:37 Speaker_06
Can we talk about for one second the damn bowl of ramen noodles with the chopsticks going up and down outside of restaurants?

00:26:43 Speaker_03
There's one in London, I think there's one in London. There is, in West London.

00:26:46 Speaker_06
Outside Japan, the Japan store.

00:26:49 Speaker_03
I can't remember where it is now, you two might remember. There's a statue of a boy running away from a dog and the dog's pulling his trousers down and you can see his butt. No. There's a statue outside a restaurant. I didn't see that statue.

00:27:01 Speaker_03
That was great, we went back there.

00:27:03 Speaker_06
Did you guys go to the Cup Noodle Museum in Osaka?

00:27:06 Speaker_03
No.

00:27:07 Speaker_06
You've been there, that's cool. You can make your own cup noodle.

00:27:11 Speaker_03
What did you put in yours?

00:27:12 Speaker_06
Corn, spring onions, mushrooms maybe? I never ate it though. No, you prefer a fake one. I did get a candle that looked like a cup noodle.

00:27:20 Speaker_03
Well there you go, another wax food.

00:27:22 Speaker_06
So yeah, if someone brought out a cup noodle looking candle, wax candle for my starter, I'd be like... So hang on, so we've discussed it now, so now I need to wrap my head around this. Yeah.

00:27:33 Speaker_03
You don't want a starter to the extent you'd rather just look at something that looks like food that you can't eat?

00:27:38 Speaker_06
I want a novelty.

00:27:39 Speaker_03
You want a novelty?

00:27:40 Speaker_06
Yeah, a favour. A party favour.

00:27:43 Speaker_03
So you're taking this home with you? Yeah. And what is the food again? The wax?

00:27:48 Speaker_06
Yeah, that's a really good question. Maybe just a lettuce. A head of lettuce.

00:27:52 Speaker_03
So not even something that would be a good starter?

00:27:56 Speaker_00
I think though, have you ever seen Rose watch these videos?

00:28:00 Speaker_03
No, I'm not sure.

00:28:01 Speaker_00
I've seen Rose watch these videos, and I'd say it's as much pleasure as people get from having a starter. I saw it once, you were sitting there with your hands folded across your chest, and every time they made a different food, Rose would go, Pickle?

00:28:29 Speaker_00
And I like, I just would say it to herself and it was calming and really to see that she was in a very happy place watching it.

00:28:36 Speaker_03
So do you want them to bring it out and it's made or do you want someone to come out and make it in front of you?

00:28:41 Speaker_06
That's a great question. Yeah, that's actually true. I want to see it made. To be honest, maybe I just want a YouTube video. I want an iPad.

00:28:48 Speaker_03
No, this is a dream restaurant. We can bring you out an expert on it. I can get the guy. Yeah, you can get the guy to make it in front of you and then you can sit there and silently go, ladies.

00:28:57 Speaker_06
You know what I've upgraded to? I've upgraded to a YouTube account called Dancing Bacons. It was a man who goes around and goes to the most interesting like vending machines all around the world. And it's all point of view.

00:29:10 Speaker_06
And he has not one negative review of any of the foods that he eats. So like my favorite ones are when he goes on like a Japanese overnight ferry and he only can eat from the vending machines and it's very silent.

00:29:20 Speaker_06
And it's just so, it's the most, it's like a brain, it's like the washing of my brain. to watch a man order things from a vending machine. Just eat it and enjoy it. Yeah.

00:29:31 Speaker_06
So, but I think for the purposes of the restaurant, I want to see a man come out, give me a full lettuce, chop it in half. I want to see the cross section. And then I want everyone to clap.

00:29:44 Speaker_03
Everyone? Yeah. Who else is there?

00:29:46 Speaker_06
I don't know. A round table. A crowd. A crowd has gathered.

00:29:50 Speaker_03
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:29:51 Speaker_06
And then we see him make the knife hot, cut through the lettuce.

00:29:55 Speaker_03
There you go. And that's your starter.

00:29:58 Speaker_06
Hard to beat. I don't want to say it early, but hard to beat.

00:30:09 Speaker_00
Your dream main course.

00:30:11 Speaker_03
Will this be food?

00:30:12 Speaker_06
It will be. Oh, it will be food. There will be food. Okay, so main course. Now, people find this difficult, right? To choose. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:21 Speaker_06
Because there's so many different, I guess you could be like, oh, but it's the last meal I ever want to eat, or the thing I want to eat the most, or if I could eat the most of it and not affect me.

00:30:30 Speaker_06
But I think for me, thinking about this, I'm going to say, all you can eat yum cha restaurant. So I want to talk about this.

00:30:38 Speaker_03
Well, this is your platform.

00:30:41 Speaker_06
Because in this country, yum cha.

00:30:44 Speaker_03
We're in the UK.

00:30:45 Speaker_06
no longer, well, in London, yum cha restaurants don't really exist as much, dim sum does, but yum cha with the full trolley service is something that in New Zealand is still a massive thing.

00:30:57 Speaker_03
But here, I think- And in China, shout out to China.

00:30:59 Speaker_06
Shout out to China. So it's basically New Zealand and China do this thing.

00:31:08 Speaker_00
We don't actually know who did it first. There's no way of proving it.

00:31:11 Speaker_06
It's very much like the pavlova. We don't know who did the yum cha restaurant first. So yeah, I find it interesting. I think I've heard tell of a restaurant called New World Restaurant in Chinatown back in the day, which was yum cha.

00:31:23 Speaker_06
But I think it's possibly, yeah, I was trying to think of like, what's my favorite dining experience and how do I like eating food? And I think I like eating food, having lots of different options. I really struggle to choose on a menu.

00:31:38 Speaker_06
You'll know this probably as well. I mean, you both know this. I don't. I will eat whatever the other person's eat. Like, you know, I want to mix and match. But yum cha is perfect because it's small bits of every single delicious thing.

00:31:49 Speaker_03
So the trolley comes past, and are they taking you through what's on the trolley?

00:31:54 Speaker_06
Oh yeah, that's part of the experience.

00:31:55 Speaker_03
Taking you through the whole trolley.

00:31:57 Speaker_06
Take me through the whole trolley. We're going to the dumplings trolley. Dumplings trolley? I'm getting a prawn and chive. Getting just a normal prawn. A prawn and coriander, underrated. Probably a pork shumai.

00:32:08 Speaker_06
Probably those logs, those rice rolls that have the prawns in it. Then we go to the more adventurous trolley, which usually Yamcha restaurants, if they come across your table of confused white people, they're like, we're not going to show you this.

00:32:22 Speaker_06
This trolley is not for you. And I respect the hell out of that.

00:32:25 Speaker_03
This is the chicken feet trolley.

00:32:26 Speaker_06
This is the Chicken Feet trolley, which I do get. I do get Chicken Feet. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're a bit too gelatinous for me.

00:32:32 Speaker_03
I eat Chicken Feet and I don't know whether I eat Chicken Feet because I like Chicken Feet or I want to show off that I'm eating Chicken Feet.

00:32:38 Speaker_06
I think it's always the latter. It is always the latter. But there's some hardcore stuff on that trolley that I don't know if I... What else is on the hardcore trolley? tripe sometimes, eh?

00:32:51 Speaker_03
Yeah, I love tripe. Do you like tripe? I genuinely like tripe, yeah.

00:32:54 Speaker_06
I haven't had tripe in a long time.

00:32:56 Speaker_03
I mean, I have tripe when we go for hot pot as well. Always have a bit of tripe, maybe some chicken feet there as well. But tripe at Mountain, the restaurant Mountain that we went to together.

00:33:07 Speaker_06
Oh yeah, we had tripe.

00:33:08 Speaker_03
That tripe was really good.

00:33:09 Speaker_06
Yeah, of course it was the last time I had tripe.

00:33:11 Speaker_03
And they put pork in there and stuff, they really worked really hard on it and they take out a lot of the farmyardy stuff.

00:33:16 Speaker_06
And people were really impressed that we ate that tripe, though.

00:33:19 Speaker_03
Tripe's another one where you're like, yeah, you're damn right I'm eating tripe.

00:33:22 Speaker_00
Who was impressed? What, the staff?

00:33:24 Speaker_06
No, no.

00:33:24 Speaker_03
Well, actually, Charlie wasn't impressed.

00:33:27 Speaker_06
Wasn't Charlie impressed?

00:33:28 Speaker_03
No, she thought it was disgusting. Yeah, yeah.

00:33:30 Speaker_06
I think Nish thought it was disgusting.

00:33:31 Speaker_03
Yeah, yeah.

00:33:33 Speaker_06
So yeah, what other meats are there? Like, there's always like, it's always big bony things, isn't it?

00:33:36 Speaker_03
Yeah, yeah. Anything gristly and a bit, yeah.

00:33:38 Speaker_06
Yeah.

00:33:39 Speaker_03
But you probably won't go for that trolley on the dream menu. You're thinking stick with the dim sum trolley.

00:33:44 Speaker_06
I'd go with a lot of, no, I'd probably be adventurous. A lot of the dim sum, I'd try the meats. I would just go, I'd just go hard, I think. I'd be more adventurous with the desserts.

00:33:53 Speaker_06
You know, the ones that would be like a square of jelly with chickpeas in it. And you're like, hell yeah.

00:33:58 Speaker_00
Oh, that's not for me. Is that for your main course as well, the dessert trolley from the yum cha?

00:34:02 Speaker_06
Really good question. Okay, so what would you classify an egg tart at a yum cha restaurant? Is that dessert or is that a savory?

00:34:10 Speaker_03
Are you having it at the end of the meal?

00:34:12 Speaker_06
Now, sometimes in the middle. Because sometimes the egg tarts, right, you never know when they're coming out, because they come out in batches, and so you have to get them quick. So I will get them mid-meal sometimes, you know what I mean?

00:34:24 Speaker_06
I'm normal and good.

00:34:25 Speaker_03
Yeah, just you tackling some poor woman on a cart, pushing the egg tarts. You're in the door, they've not seated you yet.

00:34:34 Speaker_06
Give me the fucking egg tarts! Three fricking plates of egg tarts. Yeah, but you have to, you have to put in orders early.

00:34:39 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:34:40 Speaker_06
But I'd say it's a, it's a, like, it's not like a pastel de nata because every culture has its custard version of a custard tart, right?

00:34:47 Speaker_00
That's true.

00:34:47 Speaker_06
But I think the Chinese custard tart, or the Chinese egg tart.

00:34:52 Speaker_00
Or New Zealand. Yes, yes, or New Zealand. We don't know, we don't know. We still haven't nailed this then.

00:34:57 Speaker_06
It can be both. It's savoury enough to be both.

00:35:00 Speaker_03
Yeah. I think we're not going to pick you up on it because I think the idea of having this entire yum cha experience, the dessert comes as part of that. It's another trolley food. So of course you can throw dessert in there for your main meal.

00:35:12 Speaker_06
What's amazing about a yum cha restaurant is that it's so easy to get food and it's impossible to get a Coke. Like, you know, you'll be like, you order, you order, like, you get all the jasmine tea you want, it's awesome.

00:35:22 Speaker_06
And then you'll just like want one glass of Coke, and that will come at the end of the meal, because like, they're just like, I don't fucking, I can't. Yeah, we're busy. We're fucking busy.

00:35:29 Speaker_01
We're just making all this food for you. Yeah. So, BYO. All of those dumplings sound amazing.

00:35:34 Speaker_06
They sound good. What are your favorite dumplings at a yum cha?

00:35:37 Speaker_00
I mean, sumai. Yeah.

00:35:39 Speaker_06
Like sumai?

00:35:39 Speaker_00
Yeah. Pork and prawn, yeah.

00:35:41 Speaker_06
Pork and prawn, yeah, of course.

00:35:43 Speaker_00
I'm really getting into those roles though. Any soup dumpling. Oh, sorry! Soup dumpling?

00:35:49 Speaker_06
I'm an idiot. Obviously soup dumpling.

00:35:51 Speaker_03
Don't beat yourself up, man.

00:35:52 Speaker_06
No, because in New Zealand...

00:35:55 Speaker_03
where they were invented.

00:35:59 Speaker_06
Soup dumplings are much less common as they are here. And I think Chinatown in London has so many amazing soup dumplings. So I've gotten way more into them and oh my God, they're good.

00:36:10 Speaker_03
What's your technique?

00:36:11 Speaker_06
I'm very gentle, very gentle prod off the paper. Sometimes I like to go from both angles. So pull up the dumpling and then pull away with the paper with my other hand and then straight in.

00:36:25 Speaker_03
Straight in, you're not puncturing. It bites the top off.

00:36:28 Speaker_03
Quite often bite the top off or punch a little hole in the top to release some of the steam in the spoon and then obviously if it bursts that's fine, you're still containing it within the spoon.

00:36:36 Speaker_03
Or maybe put a little bit of the vinegar and soy in the spoon and then dumpling in so you're giving it a little bath and you're cooling it down at the same time. Little hole, all in. I think you're just going straight in.

00:36:48 Speaker_06
I'm going straight in like a little water balloon.

00:36:50 Speaker_03
Yeah. Yeah.

00:36:51 Speaker_06
I kind of like it because yeah, you feel like explode in your mouth. Also, you different restaurants, you know, which ones come home, which ones don't.

00:36:59 Speaker_06
I think certain ones like Dumpling Legend, they come a little bit not burning hot, so you can put the whole thing in.

00:37:04 Speaker_03
Yeah. Yeah.

00:37:05 Speaker_06
Spicy ones. Then they're awesome at the moment.

00:37:08 Speaker_03
Shout out to Dumpling Legend. Oh, so good. So good. And they some of these restaurants in Chinatown know how to get you in and out quickly.

00:37:15 Speaker_06
That is it. That's maybe why I've chosen yum cha as well. It's like speed. You don't have to talk to people that much. They're shouting at you going, do you want this? And you're like, I want it. That's it. And then you go, put it on a freaking thing.

00:37:30 Speaker_06
And it's, and it's a, you know, you can go to lots of bougie restaurants now that like get you to like tick things on menus, which I kind of hate when you actually have to like, still physically, you have to talk to the person.

00:37:40 Speaker_06
It kind of doesn't actually.

00:37:41 Speaker_03
And you've got to make a decision by ticking. If you're confronted by a trolley, you're just going like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're done. And it's too late to change it once it's done.

00:37:49 Speaker_06
And also not knowing the price is awesome. Because you're going with enough people that it always does come out okay in the end. So it takes away that horrible stress of when you're sharing.

00:38:00 Speaker_06
At a yum cha, you can't be like, oh, I didn't have the fucking chicken's feet or whatever. Because you're all in. Get over it. And then you got a table that turns around, there's Lady Susan. Yeah, that's good. I don't know, it's good stuff.

00:38:14 Speaker_06
But yeah, I do think I really enjoy the sort of efficiency of a yum cha restaurant.

00:38:18 Speaker_03
Yeah, any Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, especially the dumpling places, where you're like, I am so hungry. And you can go from the hungriest you've ever been to the fullest you've ever been and paid and out the restaurant in 10 minutes.

00:38:32 Speaker_06
Yeah, 100%. I went somewhere the other day, they're like, we're closing in 10 minutes. And we're just like, okay, this is a system that just came out five minutes time. You're like, this is so good.

00:38:42 Speaker_03
Because this is your dream restaurant.

00:38:43 Speaker_06
Yeah.

00:38:44 Speaker_03
Obviously, you've got three different trolleys coming around.

00:38:46 Speaker_06
Yeah.

00:38:46 Speaker_00
Who do you want pushing each trolley? God. I know someone that you should want from something you've already mentioned in the podcast.

00:38:53 Speaker_06
The ghost of Gene Wilder.

00:38:57 Speaker_00
Yeah, well, he's on desserts. There you go. That's another film you've already mentioned in the pod and how much you love and how much you love watching him on terrestrial television.

00:39:06 Speaker_06
Oh, Harry Potter, Alan Rickman.

00:39:08 Speaker_00
What? That old lady on the anything from the trolley that that old lady.

00:39:12 Speaker_06
Oh my God.

00:39:15 Speaker_03
That is, that is too obscure to expect Rose to immediately know what you were talking about. I'll tell you one person, you should have said straight away.

00:39:26 Speaker_06
I went from the ghost of Gene Wilder to then the ghost of Alan Rickman, and then eventually to being on the trolley. Now what's happening with her? Is she still with us? Is she still with us?

00:39:37 Speaker_00
Yeah, yeah, sure. She's hot, look her up now. She's great. Yeah, she was in the Cursed Child as well, and that's the most recent installment of stuff. She goes nuts in the Cursed Child. Who played a Benito? Who played anything from the trolley?

00:39:52 Speaker_06
Anything from the trolley, dears.

00:39:54 Speaker_00
What else has she done?

00:39:56 Speaker_06
And is she still with us?

00:39:57 Speaker_00
And is she still with us? She's 97. Beautiful. Respect.

00:40:01 Speaker_03
And she's still doing, what, eight shows a week in the Cursed Child?

00:40:04 Speaker_06
Yeah, and I'm actually going to call Han, Jane, we need you at the restaurant tonight.

00:40:08 Speaker_00
She's retired, but she can still push the trolley for you.

00:40:11 Speaker_03
No, she deserves some time selecting from the trolley.

00:40:16 Speaker_06
So she's on the round table, she's in the actual restaurant with me.

00:40:19 Speaker_00
If you're thinking of people who've been good at pushing trolleys, you can name me one person who's better than her. Yeah, that's true.

00:40:25 Speaker_06
I would love maybe sort of in a punk style prank kind of show, like it's lots of people, like celebrities, but they're dressed up as like, you know, yum cha waiters.

00:40:34 Speaker_03
If someone revealed themselves to be a celebrity and you thought they were a normal yum cha waiter, who would you be most excited to see when they took the wig off?

00:40:43 Speaker_06
They're wearing a wig. 100% wearing a wig.

00:40:45 Speaker_00
And a beard, maybe. A pink beard. We know anything from the trolleys in, right? Are you letting anything from the trolley in?

00:40:51 Speaker_06
Yeah, she's in. If she wants, if she's in.

00:40:53 Speaker_00
Do you want her to have some Harry Potter, Wizarding World, like, chocolate and stuff in there? Some chocolate frogs and stuff.

00:40:59 Speaker_06
Yeah, yeah. Just on the side and stuff.

00:41:02 Speaker_03
A sweet dumpling in the shape of a frog.

00:41:03 Speaker_06
That'd be great.

00:41:04 Speaker_03
Not bad.

00:41:05 Speaker_06
I think, um, okay, if I got to be surprised by a celebrity, maybe just like, um, Ben Shepard or something. I don't know, someone quite funny that would be surprising.

00:41:17 Speaker_03
Is Ben Shepard your holding pattern for a celebrity? If you can't think of celebrity, Ben Shepard's in there.

00:41:22 Speaker_06
I think so. Or maybe any of the hosts of Escape to the Country. So all of the people who are pushing the trolleys are people who have hosted episodes of Escape to the Country.

00:41:32 Speaker_03
But they're in disguise.

00:41:33 Speaker_06
But they're in disguise. And they're expecting me to recognize them, but I possibly won't.

00:41:37 Speaker_03
Especially if the first one takes off the disguise and you're like, oh you, I think you.

00:41:41 Speaker_06
I think I know you.

00:41:42 Speaker_03
Post escape to the country. The next one is going to be even less surprising at this point. It's so disappointing for them.

00:41:48 Speaker_06
They're so nondescript, it cracks me up. I don't even know how many of them they have.

00:41:54 Speaker_03
I couldn't tell you.

00:41:54 Speaker_06
Couldn't tell you their names, but there's so many of them. Who are they? What are they? Are they radio presenters? Are they real estate agents?

00:42:04 Speaker_00
I don't think they're all real estate agents. I don't think I've ever watched it.

00:42:08 Speaker_06
Have you not?

00:42:09 Speaker_00
No.

00:42:09 Speaker_06
I watched a lot of it. I watched a lot of British television, daytime TV, yeah.

00:42:17 Speaker_03
Did you start doing that when you first moved here? Did you feel like you were assimilating by watching it? To this country? To this country.

00:42:23 Speaker_06
Yeah, I watched a lot of Pointless, a lot of... Back in the day where there was still, what was that? On where they'd send teenagers overseas and the parents would be spying on them.

00:42:34 Speaker_03
Snog married, snog married. It was something like... No, it wasn't, sorry, it was son, sex and suspicious parents.

00:42:40 Speaker_06
Son, sex and suspicious parents!

00:42:41 Speaker_03
That was it, yeah.

00:42:42 Speaker_06
Yeah, that's how I assimilated myself into this culture. And to be honest, it's worked.

00:42:47 Speaker_03
Yeah, it's pretty good. Served me well.

00:42:49 Speaker_06
Served me well, but Escaped to the Country, A Place in the Sun, you know, all of that. I watch a lot of that, yeah.

00:42:55 Speaker_03
So they're pushing the trolleys. They're pushing the trolleys.

00:42:57 Speaker_06
So people in daytime British television are pushing the trolleys.

00:43:06 Speaker_00
Now, because it's a Christmas special, we're going to do your bonus course for your Christmas dinner.

00:43:12 Speaker_06
This is going to piss you guys off because you guys are from this country. Okay, so I'm from New Zealand and it's on the other side of the world. A different hemisphere at Christmas time. It's summer. We're talking summer salads and we're talking ham.

00:43:23 Speaker_06
A big old glazed ham?

00:43:25 Speaker_03
Nice.

00:43:26 Speaker_06
A green salad, an egg salad, chop suey and taro, which is a Samoan food, which my dad would make. Roast potatoes.

00:43:34 Speaker_03
So you were still throwing roast potatoes in there?

00:43:36 Speaker_06
Yeah, weirdly, yeah. Still roast potatoes.

00:43:39 Speaker_03
But they would go quite well. Are they a little bit colder? Would you have a colder roast potato to go with the salad?

00:43:44 Speaker_06
No, we'd usually have lamb. We'd usually have a warm lamb, hot roast potatoes, but then lots of cold elements as well. So it's a bit of a mishmash, to be honest.

00:43:53 Speaker_03
To me, this sounds better. I prefer this even on a winter's day. Do you reckon? In England, yeah, because I find the roast dinner quite a difficult thing to approach, really.

00:44:01 Speaker_06
Yeah, what do you guys think about... Turkey is not a thing in New Zealand.

00:44:04 Speaker_03
It's not a thing?

00:44:05 Speaker_06
Just not a thing. Like, not a Christmas thing.

00:44:07 Speaker_03
I must have blown your mind the first time you saw a turkey. No turkey for me, I don't really... I don't mind turkey, I eat it through tradition, I like cold turkey, I like making sandwiches from it, I like making curries from it.

00:44:26 Speaker_03
On the day it's not my favourite thing, I'm more about the sundries, the trimmings, the stuffing, all of that. Roast carrots, roast parsnips.

00:44:36 Speaker_06
So those are the things, yeah, no roast carrot, none of that roast kind of culture. We still have gravy, though, for the lamb and roast potatoes.

00:44:42 Speaker_06
But it's, you know, so Christmas desserts would be very different, like Christmas pavlova, you have to have that. I'd make jelly for the family Christmas. Love a jelly.

00:44:52 Speaker_00
And then fruit salad. And you make that each year?

00:44:55 Speaker_06
Yeah, it was my responsibility each year to make the jelly, from a young age.

00:44:59 Speaker_00
What flavor?

00:45:00 Speaker_06
We go raspberry, we go to orange, lime, and a blackcurrant. Four different jellies. Controversially though, I would do them all differently, separately.

00:45:07 Speaker_06
And then when I moved to this country, when I would go back, Aunty Jeanette had started doing the jelly.

00:45:14 Speaker_03
They gave Jeanette the jelly.

00:45:16 Speaker_06
They gave Jeanette the jelly. And what Aunty Jeanette started doing, she started doing a layered jelly. So it was all the flavours in a mould. And so you get all the flavours and everyone's like, this is amazing. I'm like, I don't think that's...

00:45:28 Speaker_03
Jeanette needs to wind her fucking neck in, man.

00:45:31 Speaker_06
God bless Jeanette, she's the best. But then Nan started doing this mental one where she started doing orange jelly and putting Mandarin segments in it.

00:45:40 Speaker_03
That's great, I'm on board with that. That's 80s, innit? Yeah, that's proper 80s. It's quite refreshing to be fair. Yeah, I think that's great.

00:45:46 Speaker_06
Maybe I'll do that this Christmas, yeah.

00:45:49 Speaker_03
Also, don't start trying to do things that other people do after you've complained about it.

00:45:53 Speaker_06
No, actually, everyone likes it now, so I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do the orange jelly. So that's sort of the rundown of my Christmas meal. Any fish? Nah, weirdly not.

00:46:01 Speaker_06
I come from a very fishy family, so my grandmother fishes and my uncle and stuff, but no. Sometimes marinated fish, raw fish, like in coconut cream and stuff.

00:46:12 Speaker_06
My nan makes a really good marinated fish, like delicious, because she catches it fresh and yeah, it's really good.

00:46:19 Speaker_00
What kind of fish?

00:46:20 Speaker_06
Usually snapper or teraki, but yeah, usually snapper is what we'd use for it.

00:46:25 Speaker_03
That sounds so delicious.

00:46:27 Speaker_06
She actually uses full cream instead of coconut cream, which is quite intense, but quite delicious. And then like little chopped up peppers and spring onion and all of that, so.

00:46:35 Speaker_03
I think it sounds like a lovely Christmas meal, like a bit of everything really.

00:46:39 Speaker_06
It is a real smorgasbord of stuff, but I do prefer that kind of thing for Christmas. It is an interesting thing to be here for Christmas, where I can understand a roast meal is very comforting.

00:46:52 Speaker_03
But the rest of the day is a write-off. I like the option of being able to go, I'll have some meat, and then I'll have some salad, and then you feel lighter, you feel happier for the rest of the day.

00:47:03 Speaker_03
Christmas Day is basically, we eat at like two, three o'clock. And then the next five hours is just me praying I go to the toilet so I can have some dinner.

00:47:12 Speaker_06
What are your thoughts on breakfast on Christmas Day? Because I'm very anti it.

00:47:15 Speaker_00
I like it. I guess it's the start of the... Exactly, it's like a start. That's so true. I just want one and done.

00:47:21 Speaker_06
I want one and done, man.

00:47:23 Speaker_03
We have ham for breakfast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We have the glazed ham with eggs and toast for breakfast.

00:47:28 Speaker_06
Oh, yum. Salmon, lots of people have salmon here.

00:47:31 Speaker_03
Yeah, salmon's always an option, but no, I like going all meat all day. Wow. Absolute nightmare gastrically, but... A nut roast? What?

00:47:39 Speaker_06
I don't know, for the vegans, whatever.

00:47:41 Speaker_03
Sure.

00:47:41 Speaker_00
There ain't no vegans around my house at Christmas. Not the Gamble House. Fucking all in the garden, gathered round a zebra. Your dream side dish.

00:48:00 Speaker_06
If I'm going to say I don't believe in starters, do I have to say I don't believe in sides?

00:48:04 Speaker_00
Yeah, I'm just saying. No, you don't have to.

00:48:07 Speaker_03
Because you've already said, like, with your Christmas meal, it's like loads of sides, isn't it? And you like sharing and you like getting involved and having a taste of everything, so sides surely should be right up your street.

00:48:19 Speaker_06
I would have a whole meal full of sides for this, because I'm wanting a potato. If I see a side, I do gravitate towards a side menu. I think especially when we go to places where it's like, obviously we'll get all of the sides.

00:48:29 Speaker_06
There's just four things. Bread, olives, potatoes, some sort of green. I want all of those.

00:48:34 Speaker_03
Olives aren't a side, I'm not sure.

00:48:36 Speaker_06
No, it's not a side, sorry.

00:48:38 Speaker_03
Crazy, crazy places you've been going to.

00:48:39 Speaker_06
A mess of all of them. Wait, so do they have to be sides of the Yamcha meal?

00:48:44 Speaker_00
No, they can be whatever you want. It's still a dream meal. If you want them to be sides of the Yamcha. If you've had a side dish that is like, that's the best side dish ever. You can have more wax stuff. We're not going to stop you from doing that.

00:48:53 Speaker_00
I think we are. What?

00:48:56 Speaker_04
I think we are going to stop doing that. Why? Because then where do we stop with this? That's true. Would someone just come in and have a whole wax menu?

00:49:03 Speaker_06
Would it unravel the entire point of this podcast?

00:49:07 Speaker_00
Yeah, if you just said, I want that wax. Do you like Madame Tussauds?

00:49:11 Speaker_06
I have been twice. I don't know if I like it. It's pretty freaky.

00:49:15 Speaker_00
Do you go to see them get made?

00:49:17 Speaker_06
100% get blocked for them to get semen. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it does freak me out a bit. They have gone through a re... They've done a redo of Madame Tussauds, but... We actually did go to a very funny wax museum once.

00:49:28 Speaker_00
We did in Dublin. Yeah, the worst one. The most awful wax museum I've ever seen.

00:49:32 Speaker_06
So funny.

00:49:32 Speaker_00
Very, very bad.

00:49:33 Speaker_06
It's kind of popular for being the worst though, isn't it?

00:49:36 Speaker_03
Yeah, I feel like Jonathan was like, ironically good.

00:49:39 Speaker_06
No, not ironically bad. No, there's just one big room at the end where they're just like, gone. We don't know how to theme this room. So it was like, Mr. Freeze, Colin Farrell from Alexander, David Bowie.

00:49:51 Speaker_03
Wow.

00:49:52 Speaker_06
Huge room.

00:49:52 Speaker_04
Mr. Freeze.

00:49:53 Speaker_06
Mr. Freeze.

00:49:54 Speaker_00
None of them look like any

00:49:56 Speaker_03
Surely you're just going Arnie, just go Arnie and don't put all your eggs in the Mr. Freeze basket.

00:50:00 Speaker_06
That was full on Mr. Freeze.

00:50:01 Speaker_00
I think they tried to do Arnie and it went wrong even by their standards and then they had to turn it into Mr. Freeze.

00:50:09 Speaker_06
Gotta care the spray paint.

00:50:11 Speaker_03
Why have you made Arnie silver by accident? Oh, thank God. He's Mr. Freeze.

00:50:17 Speaker_06
Okay, so sides, sides. I mean, I just want to gravitate towards potatoes, really. Like, potatoes every way. Every way. Potatoes every way.

00:50:24 Speaker_03
I don't think we've heard potatoes every way before. Yeah. No, not every way. Feels like it should be another trolley.

00:50:29 Speaker_06
It's a potato trolley.

00:50:29 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:50:30 Speaker_06
Yeah, 100%.

00:50:30 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:50:31 Speaker_06
That's fine. But this is the side trolley of potatoes.

00:50:33 Speaker_03
And I'm going to make you rank them.

00:50:36 Speaker_06
Rank them? Okay, out of five?

00:50:37 Speaker_03
Top five potatoes.

00:50:39 Speaker_06
Top dolphin one.

00:50:41 Speaker_03
Is that one? Yeah. We're starting with one and going down to five, are we? That's a good, that's, yeah, actually, I'm going the way.

00:50:47 Speaker_00
No, but I think that's how, like, people have to do it on the spot. That's true. So cut all of this out, and I'll go backwards. On the spot, you can't go five to one. Yeah, you can.

00:50:54 Speaker_00
On the spot, you could go reverse order, knowing where you're heading with it all. Yeah. That's such a good point. That's nuts.

00:51:00 Speaker_00
On the spot, you would know what number five is, rather than going, well, here's my favourite, and then I'd say I like this one.

00:51:05 Speaker_06
No, you just go quiet for five minutes, and then come back with the rankings from five to one. MASH is five. MASH is five? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, okay.

00:51:11 Speaker_03
Very thin french fries is four.

00:51:12 Speaker_06
You're going to freak out, he's going to panic when he gets to two because he'll go, my ranking's all over the place. Very thin french fries, four.

00:51:18 Speaker_03
Three. Yeah, three is dauphinoise. Two. Two is boulangerie. What the hell is Boulanger? It's a bread. They used to make them in bakers when the ovens were cooling down, that's what they would make in patisseries in France.

00:51:35 Speaker_06
What, a baked potato?

00:51:36 Speaker_03
No, they're like dauphinoise, it's thinly sliced but it uses stock rather than cream. And what's number one? Crisps.

00:51:46 Speaker_06
Oh my god. You're full of shit, man.

00:51:48 Speaker_02
Yeah, I screwed it up. You're full of shit. It is hard going 5-1. Yeah, it is hard.

00:51:52 Speaker_06
Yeah, yeah. It actually is hard.

00:51:54 Speaker_00
Respect that you have a Dublin belt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:56 Speaker_06
I probably have very, very similar potatoes.

00:51:58 Speaker_03
Yours is Dauphinoise No.

00:51:59 Speaker_06
Dauphinoise No.

00:52:00 Speaker_03
Yeah, I should have done that, but I went early and did it No. 3.

00:52:04 Speaker_06
I'd say good ass chips, good ass fries. Ass chips. Some ass chips, number two. Definitely a mash, a creamy mash, three. Number four, possibly, ooh. I'm running out of potatoes. Potatoes 5 points.

00:52:21 Speaker_03
You're not, there's so many potatoes.

00:52:23 Speaker_06
I know, it was hard to, because I was, I could say like a patatas bravas. That'd be nice with the sauces. And then a 5, I'll do gnocchi. No, I'm just kidding. That'd be crazy.

00:52:34 Speaker_03
That'd be too, that'd be too heavy.

00:52:36 Speaker_00
Most potatoes are not making an appearance in the top 5.

00:52:39 Speaker_06
Is that potatoes? No, yeah, actually no. Yeah, really good roast potatoes. I'm constantly shown in the algorithm that fucking, that hundred layer potato thing. You know that one?

00:52:51 Speaker_03
Really? I think we're on different algorithms, maybe. Well, I didn't think we'd be, but I've not seen the hundred layer potato thing.

00:52:56 Speaker_06
You're kidding. It's the one where they stack, they just stack potatoes and they really compress it. And then they cut it off in slices, almost.

00:53:04 Speaker_03
Yeah, maybe I've seen, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen something similar. It's like a confit potato thing.

00:53:08 Speaker_06
Yes.

00:53:09 Speaker_03
The confit potatoes at Quality Chop House, sorry. That's number one.

00:53:11 Speaker_06
That's it, yeah. I've never tried it.

00:53:14 Speaker_03
It's like super layered and then cut it off and then fry the layers? Yes. So good. So good.

00:53:19 Speaker_06
That might be it. That should be in the top five.

00:53:21 Speaker_03
Yeah. Well, that's on the trolley, certainly. That's on the trolley.

00:53:24 Speaker_06
Come on. Yeah, so it'd be just every form of potatoes and then every form of sauce as well.

00:53:29 Speaker_03
Great.

00:53:29 Speaker_06
Steak sauce. I think sauces are really important and underrated.

00:53:32 Speaker_03
Potato trolley. I'm just imagining it now. I'm so into the potato trolley.

00:53:37 Speaker_06
Or you can eat aioli. Or you can eat beignets. Or you can eat soy and vinegar.

00:53:42 Speaker_03
Oh, imagine asking for aioli and then just get a massive spoon and put a huge dollop of it in.

00:53:47 Speaker_06
This is what I'm talking about.

00:53:49 Speaker_03
Holy hell. And just to let you know, I'm imagining Mr. Freeze pushing the trolley.

00:53:53 Speaker_00
Oh really? I'd imagine a giant potato with arms and legs.

00:53:57 Speaker_06
Imagine Tato. Oh my god. They've got this new trend of putting ham over crisps. Have you seen this? Everyone loves it in Hackney. No, they do. They've got the fucking truffle crisps.

00:54:11 Speaker_00
Yeah, you know, the Torres truffle crisps, you know, naturally.

00:54:14 Speaker_06
Oh, my God, I can't. I can't have those now. They're very addictive.

00:54:18 Speaker_00
Did the doc tell you to stay off those?

00:54:20 Speaker_06
He said, are you eating truffle crisps at 11pm?

00:54:22 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:54:27 Speaker_06
It's like this trendy thing, I think a bar must have done it, where you put that and then you put like layered prosciutto or like ham on top. You eat it all together. It's pretty good.

00:54:39 Speaker_03
Just sounds like the sort of thing I'd eat at home in a panic.

00:54:42 Speaker_06
Exactly.

00:54:42 Speaker_03
How nice to not panic. How nice to go out and have that dish but without the panic. And someone's done it for me.

00:54:48 Speaker_06
Yeah, and you're paying 20 quid for it.

00:54:50 Speaker_03
And I'm not stood at the fridge and going, I'm going out in five minutes. I'm just shoving my gob.

00:55:00 Speaker_00
Your dream drink.

00:55:03 Speaker_06
Oh!

00:55:05 Speaker_00
Unexpected, this one?

00:55:06 Speaker_06
Yeah, and I was, but I forgot.

00:55:08 Speaker_03
That was a great noise as well. Yeah, good noise. Oh! That's me sampled in a rap song. Sylvia on the soprano. Oh!

00:55:13 Speaker_04
Drink, drink.

00:55:17 Speaker_06
It just depends on... Ed's rewatching that.

00:55:20 Speaker_00
Yeah, so I'm rewatching Sopranos. He's thinking about that a lot. I'm thinking about Zodiac Killer a lot.

00:55:24 Speaker_06
He's thinking about Sopranos a lot. It's very too well balanced.

00:55:27 Speaker_00
Yeah, yeah. Thinking about Portimao nights.

00:55:30 Speaker_06
Watching them in chat. So, I guess I could go alcoholic or I could go...

00:55:36 Speaker_06
You know, weirdly, when you ask this question, I just think back to, in New Zealand, there is a buffet restaurant called Valentine's, and on the kids' menu, there was always amazing drinks, like, I don't know if you have the versions of them here, but like Pink Panther, or the Traffic Light, and they'd be really sugary, sort of non-alcoholic drinks.

00:55:55 Speaker_06
Yeah, something about that, I'm like, I would choose something like a Shirley Temple or something. Or something very, like, novelty. I feel like choosing something alcoholic would be too quite trashy.

00:56:06 Speaker_00
To choose alcohol is trashy. Yeah, my dream meal.

00:56:10 Speaker_01
Trashy, trashy.

00:56:11 Speaker_00
Burn on a lot of guests with that. Most of them, I'd say. Trashy. Bunch of trash bags.

00:56:17 Speaker_06
Yeah, I want a wax figure of lettuce. Some yum cha.

00:56:21 Speaker_03
Sophisticated. So you're worried about being perceived as trashy by picking an alcoholic drink?

00:56:26 Speaker_06
No, I don't want to be pissed, you know, like, if I'm drinking, if I'm drinking alcohol, like I'd say like straight whiskey, but I don't want to be like drunk and eating, you know, potatoes five ways.

00:56:38 Speaker_03
Are you not drinking any alcohol for the pleasure of the taste? Is it all about getting drunk?

00:56:42 Speaker_06
No, it's not. I mean, I like whiskey, whiskey highball, that stuff. But yeah, it's too hard of a thing to,

00:56:49 Speaker_00
Hey, if you'd rather have a non-alcoholic drink, if you want a traffic light from that kid's restaurant, you can have that.

00:56:54 Speaker_03
If you want a pink panzer to not seem trashy.

00:56:58 Speaker_06
Well, like, I would choose a chocolate milkshake, but I know that would make me sick, do you know what I mean? So, I don't know. It's a dream restaurant.

00:57:04 Speaker_00
I'm a genie. I can make it so you're not sick.

00:57:07 Speaker_06
You could cure my silenisic reflux.

00:57:08 Speaker_03
Like that. You're already sat there fucking eating chicken feet and stuff. Suddenly you're worried about your silent acid reflux. Eating a fucking waxed lettuce. You've just gone, can I have as much aioli as you can give me off the potato trolley?

00:57:25 Speaker_03
I don't think suddenly there's any point worrying about your acid reflux, Rose. I've got a chocolate milkshake, thank God, I want to puke.

00:57:34 Speaker_06
I have some taste.

00:57:35 Speaker_00
I have some standards.

00:57:36 Speaker_06
Yeah, okay, well then I'll choose... OK, yeah, I'll choose a spider.

00:57:42 Speaker_00
A spider? What's a spider?

00:57:44 Speaker_06
Coke with ice cream in it.

00:57:46 Speaker_00
Oh, OK, yeah.

00:57:46 Speaker_06
Is that a spider? Coke float, yeah, we call that a spider in New Zealand.

00:57:50 Speaker_03
Because it melts, like a spider.

00:57:52 Speaker_06
Yeah, I guess so, like a little weird.

00:57:53 Speaker_03
That's good, I'm going to start using that. I mean, I don't know what... Very rarely in my life do Coke floats come up, so... Coke floats at the city diner in Edinburgh. Yeah.

00:58:01 Speaker_06
City restaurant, sorry.

00:58:02 Speaker_00
City restaurant or city cafe.

00:58:04 Speaker_06
City restaurant. Good Coke floats.

00:58:06 Speaker_00
OK. Is there somewhere in New Zealand that's like the best spiders?

00:58:10 Speaker_06
I'd say it was such a kid's sort of party thing, but no, I don't think anywhere is probably still serving spiders. Or root beer floats, Federal Deli does a good root beer float. Shout out to Federal Deli. It's been shouted out before on the off menu.

00:58:26 Speaker_00
I don't know if it has been shouted out before, maybe. I think we've talked about it. Yeah, I think we would have talked about it. It is great. Yeah, it's a great spot. Poutine at Federal Deli.

00:58:37 Speaker_06
I mean, a poutine, it's the chicken salad sandwich toasted with cheese, which used to be a thing you could sneakily ask for from the kitchen, and now it's become on the menu.

00:58:47 Speaker_06
You know when that happens where you're like, is this restaurant losing its edge?

00:58:51 Speaker_03
Because it's sort of, you know... Actually, I went and got that because you talked about it so much, you talked about that so much. I find that sandwich too wet with cheese. It's too wet of a sandwich.

00:59:01 Speaker_06
I would, you know, I'm not going to challenge you on that.

00:59:03 Speaker_03
It's delicious, but it's very wet, but I had really good pastrami at Deli last time I went.

00:59:10 Speaker_06
Really good lemon salt, amazing. Well, like the fish, whatever fish they've got, the steak, it's really good stuff.

00:59:17 Speaker_03
And it's next door to Depot, which is another fantastic restaurant. Yes. Fish sliders. Fish sliders.

00:59:21 Speaker_06
Fish sliders there are so good.

00:59:23 Speaker_03
I had the best day a couple of years ago when I was on tour there. Went to the Weta Workshop Experience. Which was in the same building my hotel was, and then went to depot.

00:59:33 Speaker_00
Then I had to do a stupid show. Auckland, I think, is one of the most underrated food cities.

00:59:42 Speaker_06
If you know where to go, it is actually, yeah. It's only gotten better actually. Up in K Road and stuff, heaps of stuff in St. Kevin's Arcade. Yeah, good sandwich game as well. Sandwiches are getting better.

00:59:52 Speaker_06
There's a place called Turtle and Hare, I think. We're here in Turtle.

00:59:56 Speaker_03
Is that where... I might have gone with Guy. I think Guy Montgomery took me there and had the aubergine palm sandwich. That was so good.

01:00:02 Speaker_06
That was good, eh?

01:00:02 Speaker_03
It's such a good sandwich.

01:00:04 Speaker_06
Yeah, I'm so passionate about sandwiches.

01:00:07 Speaker_03
I'm going back next year, I can't wait to eat a sandwich. It's going to be good.

01:00:10 Speaker_06
You have to go to New Zealand to eat a sandwich.

01:00:13 Speaker_03
First time I went to New Zealand, everyone was like, Auckland's amazing, you've got to go to all these different places, you've got to travel a bit, get outside of Auckland and all of that. And then I arrived and me and Rose did nine escape rooms.

01:00:24 Speaker_03
Well, nine. In how many days?

01:00:27 Speaker_06
We did some in Wellington though.

01:00:28 Speaker_03
Yeah, we did do some in Wellington. What we'd do is we'd go to an escape room complex that might have three different themed rooms and we'd do them all.

01:00:35 Speaker_06
We actually did them all, yeah.

01:00:36 Speaker_03
We'd tick them all off and we'd be like, we don't have time to come back in tomorrow, we're going to another escape room company, so we've got to do all of these. Just the two of you working as a team? No, we'd have... Paul would be in there.

01:00:46 Speaker_03
Yeah, Paul would be in there. Paul Williams.

01:00:47 Speaker_06
Do you know how strange it is to know you've exhausted the entire city's escape room facilities? Like, there is nothing you could... There were no new ones I could go to in a couple of years. It's incredible. I think we've done that with London a bit.

01:01:02 Speaker_03
Yeah, I think we've done that with London.

01:01:04 Speaker_06
We're kind of cool.

01:01:05 Speaker_03
James doesn't like them. No, I don't like them.

01:01:07 Speaker_06
I feel like we did, didn't we all do one in Edinburgh once?

01:01:10 Speaker_03
Yeah, and James went home early because he felt stupid.

01:01:13 Speaker_06
We were like, we were versing each other, right?

01:01:15 Speaker_03
It was two identical rooms, but with a grate in the middle, and there was a briefcase hanging up in the grate, and it's the first person to solve to get the briefcase.

01:01:24 Speaker_03
Yeah, James didn't enjoy it because it made him feel stupid, so he didn't come for a drink afterwards.

01:01:29 Speaker_00
That's not why. You're putting the reason why. That's the reason why you don't enjoy things, is that it makes you feel stupid and then you don't like it. I was just bored! No, I wasn't bored.

01:01:39 Speaker_00
I have enjoyed escape rooms before, so those things I like them if they're fun and we're all solving puzzles and having fun. On my team were a very competitive couple. who really wanted to beat you guys bad.

01:01:53 Speaker_00
And I got Willy Wonka level told off if I, if I, if I wasn't, if I was having, if I was having fun and not taking the puzzles really seriously.

01:02:05 Speaker_00
It was genuinely stressful because I'd be there trying to work out a puzzle and then one of them would come over to me like, have you done it yet or what they're going to be beating us on the other side of the room. And I was like,

01:02:14 Speaker_00
I don't know, man, I'm just trying to figure out what all these DVD covers mean.

01:02:19 Speaker_03
Very different vibe in our team with Paul Williams walking around accidentally solving things. He walks up to us with a cryptex that he's solved and we're like, Paul, how did you do that? He's like, I don't know.

01:02:31 Speaker_06
Wasn't this the same place, guys, that the guy who introduced us got assigned and he was like, he was talking to my team, he's like, all right, I'll be right back. But like, welcome to the escape room.

01:02:45 Speaker_06
And he's doing like a New York accent, it was so good.

01:02:48 Speaker_03
He's a really nice man, I'm still friends with him.

01:02:49 Speaker_06
He's so lovely.

01:02:51 Speaker_03
Edinburgh's the nicest boy. Shout out.

01:02:56 Speaker_00
So we arrive at your dream dessert.

01:02:57 Speaker_06
Alright, dream dessert. Wow. So much to choose from.

01:03:02 Speaker_00
Yeah, sure. What's so weird about this? Cake!

01:03:05 Speaker_06
So I love cake. Cake, cake, cake, cake. Are you guys familiar with the Australian Women's Weekly cake book?

01:03:12 Speaker_03
No. No, I thought you were about to ask us, are we familiar with cake?

01:03:16 Speaker_06
Are you familiar with the concept of cake? This is really a kind of iconic, famous recipe book from sort of like the 80s or 90s. And it was made by Australian Women's Weekly, which is like sort of like a sort of like a woman's magazine from that time.

01:03:30 Speaker_06
And it was these cakes basically for children. And it was like every mother in the 90s sort of had it, and you would get a cake from that cook, that recipe book. So it'd be like stuff like a pool cake.

01:03:43 Speaker_06
So you'd make a fake little swimming pool with jelly, blue jelly in the middle, and you'd put little gummy beers and like, you know, make a little scene.

01:03:49 Speaker_06
Or there was a really iconic train cake where all of the carriages would be holding different like sweets, and you'd make it out of cake. Dolly Varden cake. Have you ever heard of a Dolly Varden cake?

01:04:01 Speaker_06
That's like a cake where you put a doll in the middle and the cake is the dress. So my nan made me a Dolly Varden cake when I was about, I think five. So I would have one of each of the cakes.

01:04:12 Speaker_00
Cake Trolley!

01:04:14 Speaker_06
Of all of the cakes from the Australian Women's Weekly.

01:04:18 Speaker_00
How many cakes are in that?

01:04:19 Speaker_06
A lot. Because they've got different cakes for the numbers 1 to 9 as well. So there's 1 to 9 cakes. It's a whole book. It's a whole book. So I want the train, I want the Dolly Varden, I want the numbers, I definitely want the pool.

01:04:37 Speaker_03
Do they taste good as well or is it all about the... Who knows?

01:04:41 Speaker_06
Who knows. I mean, you know, it tastes good. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You can make them any flavor you want. I mean, they're just, they're kind of, I guess, any vanilla kind of cake or chocolate cake you're just building on it with.

01:04:51 Speaker_06
And it's not icing, it's like, it's not fondant icing. It's like, you know, proper icing or buttercream icing. You can really eat it. So yeah, I think the taste doesn't, I mean, you taste with your eyes, don't you?

01:05:02 Speaker_06
And you see a cake that looks like a tray.

01:05:04 Speaker_03
Me, I go mouth as well. And I think you've started this meal and ended this meal in a similar way. Purely aesthetic.

01:05:11 Speaker_00
Yeah, it's merely the whole menu, I guess, smacks of somebody just wanting some yum cha.

01:05:20 Speaker_06
Well, it's like, I just find it difficult to, because this whole, I mean, the whole podcast really, I mean, is it, the idea of food is much, sometimes much more enticing than the actual reality of food, right?

01:05:32 Speaker_03
So, I... Again, don't pull that thread.

01:05:34 Speaker_06
Exactly, well, yeah. I'm quite hungry for yum cha, I think that's basically it. But I think the nostalgia element of a lot of that is what would make that cake taste good.

01:05:45 Speaker_03
Definitely.

01:05:46 Speaker_06
If I was going for a cake base for all of these cakes, I'd probably go for a coconut cake. I think a coconut cake from Violet Bakery is one of my favorite cakes on earth.

01:05:56 Speaker_03
Where's Violet Bakery?

01:05:57 Speaker_06
It's in Dalston. I think it's where Megan got one of her cakes for it from her wedding.

01:06:04 Speaker_03
Megan who?

01:06:04 Speaker_06
Megan Markle. Yeah, first name terms.

01:06:10 Speaker_03
Do you want to know genuinely what I thought when you said where Megan got... The doll? Yeah. I genuinely was like, have I missed a sequel? Have I missed a sequel where Mithrigan gets married?

01:06:22 Speaker_00
Yeah. I thought Megan the stallion.

01:06:24 Speaker_06
Wow! We all had different Miggins.

01:06:26 Speaker_00
Wet-ass cake. Wet-ass sandwich at Federal Deli.

01:06:29 Speaker_06
Wet-ass sandwich at Federal Deli. I would shout out that bakery, I think, for a good coconut cake.

01:06:38 Speaker_03
Yeah, that sounds really good.

01:06:39 Speaker_06
I love coconut cake.

01:06:41 Speaker_03
What are they going to do when they release the third installment of Mithrigan?

01:06:46 Speaker_06
Yeah, because they're making Mithugan, right?

01:06:47 Speaker_03
Because they're making Mithugan, but I don't even know what you're talking about.

01:06:51 Speaker_06
For Mithrigan.

01:06:52 Speaker_03
The film Megan, starring Ronny Chieng, it is stylized as M3GAN, because it's robot. But when they get to the third one, they've screwed themselves. They should have saved that for the third one.

01:07:07 Speaker_06
That's very true.

01:07:09 Speaker_03
Like Too Fast Too Furious.

01:07:10 Speaker_06
Meneingen.

01:07:11 Speaker_03
Yeah, Meneingen. Starring Ronny Chieng. So all of these cakes.

01:07:18 Speaker_06
All these cakes! I think cakes are just most, like cakes are just delicious.

01:07:22 Speaker_00
I think it's a nice answer, it's obviously very nostalgic. I'm a bit disappointed there's no Whitakers in this because it's my favourite chocolate in the world, we've got a New Zealand guest on, you know.

01:07:33 Speaker_06
Well I'm not going to say just straight up Whitakers for dessert. James, let your imagination soar. You can put Whittakers on these cakes. You haven't seen these cakes, man. These cakes involve chocolate. So, you know. Okay.

01:07:50 Speaker_03
That's good. I wouldn't want to put Whittakers on a cake. I just want to eat the straight Whittakers, right?

01:07:55 Speaker_06
Whittakers in baking is pretty good though.

01:07:57 Speaker_03
But everything you need is within the Whitakers and I don't want to melt that down and put it with other stuff. I want to experience full, uncut, pure Whitakers.

01:08:04 Speaker_06
I've heard about the presentation of Whitakers to you guys. What was it? Didn't Tom bring it to you?

01:08:10 Speaker_03
Tom Rosenthal brought it on stage at the Royal Albert Hall.

01:08:15 Speaker_00
When we gave it to an audience member from New Zealand.

01:08:17 Speaker_06
From New Zealand?

01:08:18 Speaker_00
Well, yeah, because they had put us there, we were reading out their dream menus on stage that they'd handed in before the show.

01:08:23 Speaker_00
They'd put, very coincidentally, obviously we did the whole tour, no one put this as their dream dessert, just put every flavor of Whittaker's. Wow. While we've got Tom in the wings with a big box of Whittaker's.

01:08:34 Speaker_06
You gotta do it.

01:08:35 Speaker_00
Got them on stage, they were from New Zealand.

01:08:37 Speaker_06
I do often pay for an extra suitcase when I come back from New Zealand and entirely fill it with things from New Zealand supermarkets. So a lot of it is Whittaker's because it's quite heavy.

01:08:46 Speaker_03
What else is going in there?

01:08:48 Speaker_06
Very bizarrely, like, iced animal biscuits. Arnott's iced animal biscuits. Lots of Tim Tams, lots of the, I think, biscuit game in New Zealand and Australia is so much better than in this country.

01:08:58 Speaker_06
Peanut butters, Fix and Fog's peanut butters, all this stuff.

01:09:01 Speaker_00
Pineapple lumps?

01:09:02 Speaker_06
Pineapple lumps, yes. Nan always buys me pineapple lumps to take back. She brought me Macintosh toffees recently, which I haven't eaten. They're not that great. But it's mainly Whitakers, really.

01:09:12 Speaker_00
Chicken feet.

01:09:12 Speaker_06
What?

01:09:13 Speaker_00
Chicken feet.

01:09:13 Speaker_06
All these chicken feet.

01:09:14 Speaker_00
Not those orange, what are the orange chocolate, the Jaffas are they? What are they called?

01:09:18 Speaker_06
Yeah, Jaffas, yeah. I wouldn't bring Jaffas back actually. I don't know if they still even... I think they just still make them.

01:09:24 Speaker_06
But I think, I do go, when I'm leaving New Zealand, I go to the supermarket and do like the most childlike sort of supermarket spree, shopping thing of all the things that won't perish.

01:09:34 Speaker_06
I once brought back, I once brought back custard slice from New Zealand.

01:09:40 Speaker_05
Wow.

01:09:40 Speaker_06
Denim's custard slice from Christchurch. It's the most delicious custard slice ever. So I got it flown up. They deliver it from Christchurch in like refrigerator box. And I got it frozen and I put it in my bag and it survived all the way back.

01:09:55 Speaker_03
Wow. Wow.

01:09:56 Speaker_06
So it was, yeah, I traveled that across the world.

01:09:58 Speaker_03
The only thing I tried that once was a slice of crack pie from Milk Bar.

01:10:02 Speaker_06
Yeah.

01:10:03 Speaker_03
Bought it in New York, got on the flight, leaving straight away, put it in the luggage hold at the top. I was like, it's great, I'll eat this when I get back to England. It'll feel so nice, like I'm in New York and I've got a crack pie.

01:10:14 Speaker_03
As soon as the seatbelt sign went off, straight up, straight down. Yeah. Hadn't even left American airspace.

01:10:20 Speaker_06
In those moments where you are saying to yourself, can't wait to bring that back, are you also knowing in your true self that you're lying to yourself?

01:10:28 Speaker_03
Oh yeah, there's two thought processes going on there. It's the two brains. It's the, imagine what guy I could be, and this is the guy who I am.

01:10:36 Speaker_06
I've got real good self-constraint, I think, with, you know, self-restraint, rather, with that sort of stuff.

01:10:40 Speaker_03
Yeah. Well, you froze it and put it in the hold. I think that's probably the best way to do it. Impressive.

01:10:43 Speaker_06
Yeah, it was pretty, yeah, it was pretty gnarly stuff.

01:10:45 Speaker_03
Especially if you're stopped by customs and you're on one of those shows.

01:10:49 Speaker_06
If I was going into New Zealand, they would have fined me to do that. Yeah, you cannot get anything into New Zealand like that.

01:10:55 Speaker_03
What if you were bringing back some of the Whittakers that you'd taken the last time?

01:10:58 Speaker_06
Into New Zealand?

01:10:59 Speaker_03
Yeah.

01:11:00 Speaker_06
They'd probably wave that. Yeah, they'd wave that through.

01:11:03 Speaker_00
They'd salute that. It was full of like moths. They'd welcome home to the chocolate.

01:11:10 Speaker_06
I mean, I appreciate, yes, the Whittakers is a huge element of my country's dessert culture.

01:11:18 Speaker_03
But it's not like we don't talk about Whittakers.

01:11:20 Speaker_00
We talk about it all the time.

01:11:21 Speaker_03
It's fine. And it's not the same as the Whittakers. There's another company called Whittakers in the UK. It's not the same. Don't fall for that. But still, thank you to the person who sent us those.

01:11:31 Speaker_00
Yeah, yeah. Oh, and here's how we know at the Royal Albert Hall that that guy was definitely from New Zealand.

01:11:36 Speaker_00
So, A, he said he was from New Zealand, but also, when he went on stage at the Royal Albert Hall to receive his chocolate in front of the whole audience, and we said, do you want to tell a joke while you're up here?

01:11:44 Speaker_00
Definitely knew he was from New Zealand, because he went, no, you guys are the professionals.

01:11:51 Speaker_06
That's awesome, man. As representing our country, really beautifully. That's so sweet. Such a dad thing to say.

01:11:59 Speaker_00
I'll read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You would like still water just above room temperature. That was normal. You're popping on as if mango chutney, right? You're layering up the sauces. Lovely, sounds great.

01:12:14 Speaker_00
Starter, a man making a wax figurine of a letter. What the fuck?

01:12:20 Speaker_03
Main course, all-you-can-eat yum cha. You put the man first as if the man is the order, rather than the lettuce.

01:12:26 Speaker_00
Yeah, well, neither of them are being eaten, so they're just as much, to be fair.

01:12:31 Speaker_06
I stand by it.

01:12:31 Speaker_00
I have no problem with it. I think you should stand by it, yeah. All-you-can-eat yum cha for your main, with various trolleys being pushed by daytime TV hosts.

01:12:40 Speaker_06
Your Christmas dinner, you've got this... And that man, Alexander Armstrong.

01:12:43 Speaker_00
Yeah. Oh yeah, he did come in. He's making the lettuce. Wow. He's the one doing the letters. Yeah, he can do the letters. Christmas dinner, summer salads, glazed ham, lamb, marinated fish, chop suey and taro, roast potatoes, jelly made by yourself.

01:13:00 Speaker_00
Side dish, potato trolley with some potatoes every way, with all the sauces. Drink, spider. So much of this. It's panic, Rose.

01:13:14 Speaker_06
How is that not consistent with my brand?

01:13:16 Speaker_00
Yeah, that's true.

01:13:18 Speaker_06
I can't choose anything on a menu. This is true. This is pure panic.

01:13:22 Speaker_03
I can't believe we've not had a trademark Matafaya head and hands moment.

01:13:28 Speaker_06
I'm wearing a cap.

01:13:29 Speaker_03
Yeah, you can just pull the cap down. That's the equivalent.

01:13:31 Speaker_06
I'm a fucking spider. Can I change that? Jesus Christ.

01:13:35 Speaker_03
You can't change it, it's locked in.

01:13:37 Speaker_06
Spider?

01:13:38 Speaker_04
Yeah.

01:13:39 Speaker_03
Remember, you didn't want to be a trash bag by ordering alcohol.

01:13:42 Speaker_00
You didn't want to be sick. Yeah. So you got a scoop of ice cream and a Coke.

01:13:49 Speaker_06
Finish the menu.

01:13:50 Speaker_00
Dessert, Australian Women's Weekly Children's Cake Book Trolley. Book? Yeah. The whole, every cake from the book. Yeah.

01:13:58 Speaker_03
The pool. The lady's dress.

01:14:01 Speaker_06
What do you think?

01:14:02 Speaker_03
I mean, it's mad. I mean, look, the yum cha I'm so on board with. You know, I don't think I've done the trolley thing in years and years and years, so I think that's next on the agenda for me.

01:14:12 Speaker_06
I didn't know this podcast was about coming on and being judged.

01:14:15 Speaker_00
You said, what do you think? You literally said, what do you think? What do you think? Well, I didn't know I was going to be a judge. I didn't know I was told to do the judge jury and execution.

01:14:31 Speaker_06
Oh man, I mean, I do stand by it. It is pure panic, really. But I think I disagree with the idea of choosing anything, really. I would panic in the dream restaurant. And that is so consistent with my personality.

01:14:45 Speaker_03
Yeah, I mean, choosing seems to have been an issue. So what you've done is you've put everything you can think of on a trolley. Yeah. It's the first time anyone's exploited the trolley loophole so often, isn't it? We've had dessert trolleys.

01:14:59 Speaker_00
Yeah, but no, this is a good day for trolley manufacturers. Big Trolley is pretty happy with that.

01:15:06 Speaker_06
I'm lining the pockets of the fat cats at Big Trolley.

01:15:09 Speaker_03
Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant and bringing so many trolleys with you. Thank you, Rose. And Rose, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas.

01:15:16 Speaker_06
Merry Christmas, James.

01:15:23 Speaker_03
Well there we are James, what a lovely way to kick off Christmas. What a menu! Fantastic menu. What a rollercoaster. Well, odd menu and fantastic menu. Yeah, yeah. I'm really into the Christmas food idea. Yeah, they're delicious.

01:15:36 Speaker_03
I might make some salads this year for Christmas. Are you going to do it? Yeah. Are you going to do a New Zealand Christmas? I think maybe a New Zealand Christmas is the way forward. Just sounds a bit kinder on the older stomach as well, doesn't it?

01:15:46 Speaker_00
Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think it makes it easier to graze throughout the day as well. Yeah. With some of that stuff. I like to graze throughout the day, man, you know that. I know that. Yeah. Rose's Special, on and on and on, is out soon.

01:15:57 Speaker_03
Yes, go and find it, she didn't know where. And of course, Junior Taskmaster slash Taskmaster Junior is on Friday nights at 8pm on Channel 4 or catch up on channel4.com. It is excellent.

01:16:10 Speaker_03
Rose is the new Taskmaster and Mike Wozniak is the Taskmaster's assistant and it's a lot of fun.

01:16:16 Speaker_00
Rose did not say horndogs, so we didn't kick her out the restaurant. No. You can watch her special horndog though, you can go and watch that. You can. If you wanna, if you would like a horndog. Yes, you can go and watch that.

01:16:26 Speaker_03
She did say wax lettuce though, which is definitely gonna be a secret ingredient for someone else coming up. In the future. Yeah. And if we actually get someone with it. Amazing.

01:16:34 Speaker_03
Yeah, maybe it'll be the secret ingredient next week, because we have another Christmas special next week, speaking to another fantastic guest about their dream menu, yes, and also their dream Christmas menu. But for now, jingle those bells.

01:16:47 Speaker_03
Jingle those bells all the way. Merry Christmas everyone, we'll see you next week.

01:16:51 Speaker_00
Merry Christmas everyone, see you next week. Bye! Bye!