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Episode: Ep 267: Danny Dyer

Author: Plosive
Duration: 01:11:17

Episode Shownotes

Royal descendent Danny Dyer has a table booked at the Dream Restaurant this week, in what must be the sweariest Off Menu yet.Disclaimer: once again, we will not be sending anyone a signed chopping board.Danny Dyer stars in ‘Rivals’ which is available to stream from Friday 18 Oct on Disney+.

Watch it here.Follow Danny on Instagram @officialdannydyer and Twitter @MrDDyerRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Summary

In this episode of 'Off Menu,' hosts Ed Gamble and James Acaster are joined by Danny Dyer, known for his vibrant personality and contributions to British entertainment. They discuss his latest project, 'Rivals,' which premieres on Disney+ on October 18, exploring themes of classism and regional television rivalries. Dyer shares humorous anecdotes about his character, experiences during filming, and his culinary preferences, highlighting his unique takes on food and popular culture, alongside reflections on his royal ancestry and the entertainment industry.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (Ep 267: Danny Dyer) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_00
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00:01:56 Speaker_11
Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the bacon of conversation, the sausages of friendship, the fried egg of great comedy, and the black pudding of love. It's the podcast Full English.

00:02:12 Speaker_10
Ed's been at a music festival all weekend, singing very loud to heavy metal songs that he loves. Sorry. So just so you know, please don't adjust your phones. Please don't adjust your phones. Or headphones. Or headphones.

00:02:25 Speaker_10
Anything you listen to podcasts on. That is Ed's voice for this episode.

00:02:28 Speaker_11
Sorry. I'm, you know, it's unprofessional for me to turn up to a professional audio engagement with a voice like this, but I think this might be my new voice now, so.

00:02:38 Speaker_10
yeah so get used to it this is their gamble yeah i mean hopefully i don't have to do much talking on this episode hopefully who knows because listen That's a gamble, mine's James Acaster. Together we own a drink restaurant.

00:02:49 Speaker_10
Every single week we invite in a guest, we ask them if they'd ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Danny Dyer!

00:02:57 Speaker_11
The guy can talk, I'm not gonna need to say anything, am I?

00:03:00 Speaker_10
And what a lovely voice as well. He's much loved by the entire nation and beyond. So people are gonna love listening to Danny Dyer and his food choices.

00:03:10 Speaker_11
A fantastic actor, a national treasure.

00:03:13 Speaker_10
Absolutely, I think he's National Treasurer now. He's done so many things that people have loved over the years that mean a lot to a lot of people. He's in our hearts, he's always on our minds.

00:03:23 Speaker_11
EastEnders, Football Factory.

00:03:25 Speaker_10
We both love, Ed and I were talking before this about how much we love the film Severance.

00:03:30 Speaker_11
Love Severance.

00:03:31 Speaker_10
That he's in, not to be confused with the TV series.

00:03:33 Speaker_11
He was also Harold Pinter's final muse.

00:03:36 Speaker_10
Yes! Pinter loved him. Yeah. So like, you know, he kind of ticks all the boxes. He does. No matter what your taste in acting, film, TV, plays... Dyer's done it. Dyer's done it to the top level. Yes. Speaking of doing it to the top level, Rivals.

00:03:53 Speaker_11
Rivals, the new Disney Plus show based on a Jilly Cooper book. Danny is in Rivals.

00:03:59 Speaker_10
That is out right now on Disney Plus. Very exciting. We'll talk to him about that as well. But here's the thing, we all love Danny Dyer, he is a national treasure.

00:04:07 Speaker_10
But, if he says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is... PIG'S FEET! PIG'S FEET.

00:04:17 Speaker_11
Here's how we got to this. I like pig's feet, by the way. I've eaten pig's feet, I like it.

00:04:21 Speaker_10
Won't surprise any regular listeners that Ed likes pig's feet.

00:04:24 Speaker_11
Trotters.

00:04:25 Speaker_10
Yes.

00:04:26 Speaker_11
They are trotters.

00:04:27 Speaker_10
Yep. He's in Nice.

00:04:28 Speaker_11
He's in Nice with his trotters up. With his trotters up. Something that Danny said about David Cameron.

00:04:33 Speaker_10
Yes, after the Brexit referendum result. And listen, regardless of how you... Please, put to one side how you voted, okay?

00:04:42 Speaker_10
Regardless of how you voted, you have to admit the fact that David Cameron called it on and then fucked off and just washed his hands of it was out of order.

00:04:51 Speaker_11
And when Danny Dyer said he's a niece with his trotters up, he spoke to the nation.

00:04:55 Speaker_10
Everyone agreed with Danny Dyer on that one. I don't think you can back anyone. You can't back Cameron. No. Whether you're a Brexiteer or a Remainer, or you abstained and didn't even vote, you've got to think that Cameron was a knobhead for that.

00:05:09 Speaker_11
And also saying trotters is funny.

00:05:11 Speaker_10
And look, saying trotters is funny.

00:05:13 Speaker_11
But will they be on Danny's menu? I hope not because I definitely want to talk to the guy for a long time.

00:05:17 Speaker_10
Yeah, well, let's find out. This is the off-menu menu of Danny Dyer.

00:05:29 Speaker_11
Welcome, Danny, to the Dream Restaurant. Well, thanks for having me.

00:05:32 Speaker_10
I mean, this is... Welcome, Danny Dyer, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

00:05:38 Speaker_09
Thank you. You're used to the big cheese. You know, because I'm working for Disney now. I'm a Disney star, so... You know, the elite. And so they demanded that if I could get on this, this was the one. You know, the off-menu is the gaff to be, I suppose.

00:05:52 Speaker_11
So you've been strong-armed into this by the Disney Corporation? Yes, bullied into it in a way.

00:05:57 Speaker_09
But, you know, if Disney are going to tell you what to do, you do. No, no, I'm honoured to be here, mate. This is an interesting little podcast, this one. There's so many about. I heard you used it at first.

00:06:07 Speaker_10
Yeah, first podcast ever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:09 Speaker_09
Oh, you're up there. You know, you started the trend of podcasts. Pretty early days. Well, Ed used your brain.

00:06:15 Speaker_10
Ed is. Ed was proper. You were, like, around Ground Zero podcast.

00:06:19 Speaker_11
I was podcasting in 2006, maybe.

00:06:23 Speaker_09
How did you know about this? This is mental to me.

00:06:25 Speaker_11
Yeah, well, you know, you've just got to notice these trends and get in there early.

00:06:30 Speaker_09
A better version of radio, isn't it?

00:06:31 Speaker_11
A better version of radio, exactly, and say what we like.

00:06:34 Speaker_10
It's crazy to think that we relied on radio for so long for audio entertainment, when you think about it.

00:06:40 Speaker_09
And now everyone swerves radio, doesn't it? Yeah. You know, it gets blanked. Yeah, yeah. People just go to podcasts, so.

00:06:45 Speaker_10
Well, it's good to know we're on Disney's radar. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they love you. That's great. And so are you, of course, because you're part of it now, as you say, you're in the elite. Rivals is coming out.

00:06:54 Speaker_09
Yes, Rivals is coming out, which is a job we did last year in Bristol, set in 1986. It's Gillie Cooper novel, arguably one of her best. And yeah, I'm part of a real ensemble cast.

00:07:09 Speaker_09
Like I said, elite people, David Tennant, you know what a lovely geezer he is.

00:07:13 Speaker_10
Yeah.

00:07:14 Speaker_09
you know, you want him to be horrible. You know, you want to, you know, cause he's just perfect in this case. So it's like a Rolls Royce of acting.

00:07:20 Speaker_12
Yeah.

00:07:20 Speaker_09
Uh, Aidan Turner and another, you know, wonderful, brilliant actor, Alex Hassell, who, uh, slipped under my radar for many years, didn't have a clue he was, but, uh, I learned a lot from him. Yeah.

00:07:32 Speaker_09
Emily Aitak's in it, Katherine Parkinson, you know, some, you know, great little Lisa McGuillis. So I'm part of this, this elite little firm and, uh, it was a, it was a really beautiful job. Yeah. So, What can you tell people about your character?

00:07:44 Speaker_09
I play a character called Freddie Jones who is the richest one in it. It's all about regional television and the rivalry within that. And they're all trying to get my money to invest. But I'm still very much a working class guy.

00:08:00 Speaker_09
He's just done well for himself. I'm sort of based a little bit around Alan Sugar sort of thing in a sense of I've brought technology to the country in the 80s. I've got this great scene where I'm in a nightclub and I pull out this karaoke machine.

00:08:12 Speaker_09
And everyone's like, what the fuck is this? And I go, ladies and gentlemen, this is karaoke. And then I have to bang out a meatloaf number. Oh, that's karaoke too. That's my karaoke too. I did Better Out of Hell. Yeah, Better Out of Hell was a strong one.

00:08:25 Speaker_09
Yeah, he did it in full every time.

00:08:27 Speaker_10
The last time he went to karaoke, which was pretty recently actually for Ed's wife's birthday, someone put him back out of hell way too early in the evening and had him sing it.

00:08:37 Speaker_11
It was in the afternoon as well, about 5.30pm and I did the full eight minute.

00:08:41 Speaker_09
It's a long track, isn't it? Yeah. It's a good track. You've got to commit.

00:08:45 Speaker_11
Yeah. Look, I always commit, but there's always that feeling about halfway through where people think, oh, it's over now.

00:08:50 Speaker_09
Yeah.

00:08:51 Speaker_11
But he's not even fallen off the bike yet.

00:08:52 Speaker_09
No, this is true, yeah. I had the red handkerchief, you know, that used to dab his neck with a... Yeah, yeah. So we've done a bit of that.

00:08:59 Speaker_09
And the thing about when you're shooting these things is that I've got playback in my earhole, so I was actually singing it with no music. People have got to pretend that they're dancing, so...

00:09:09 Speaker_09
I think it was quite traumatic for a lot of people, but I got through it.

00:09:12 Speaker_10
Do you think Disney will release that?

00:09:14 Speaker_09
Well, it's in the show. They start off with me singing, and then it does sort of fade into Meat Love, he sort of takes over. But yeah, so he's a really interesting character. He's struggling with the classism sort of thing.

00:09:29 Speaker_09
His wife Valerie loves it, you know, so she likes hanging out with aristocrats and all that sort of stuff. And it's difficult because most of the characters in it are very unlikable, a bit like Succession.

00:09:38 Speaker_12
Yeah.

00:09:39 Speaker_09
But you can't stop watching them. So with Freddie, he's lovely. He's a teddy bear with a bite. You know what I mean?

00:09:44 Speaker_09
And also, you know, I speak a bit of Japanese in it, which is, which is, which is, which is, it's just, it's worth tuning in just for that. And it took a long time to learn this little bit I've got, you know, cause I like to have a geisha on WhatsApp.

00:09:59 Speaker_09
Cause it's all phonetics in it. You can't write it down.

00:10:01 Speaker_12
Yeah.

00:10:02 Speaker_09
So I had to keep listening to it. Then I'm on the blow. I got the ump and also I'm speaking Japanese with the ump. Yeah. And that's an energy. Yeah, yeah. So, but I love it, man. It's a great thing. I had a moustache for six months. Yeah.

00:10:12 Speaker_09
Which I broke it to me kids and they cried. Obviously, the school runs and stuff. And then, and interestingly, and then interestingly, uh, uh, they grew to love it. And then when I got rid of it, they were really upset.

00:10:24 Speaker_09
So, so I pulled it out of the bag and I had a bit of oil, a bit of oil, you know, sort of brushing it and stuff. Little, little Tash brush. Oh, that's nice. And, uh, it's always nice to know you can grow one. Yeah.

00:10:35 Speaker_11
I think that's why I've done it.

00:10:36 Speaker_09
Well, I was going to say, you've gone for this little soul patch thing as well.

00:10:39 Speaker_11
The musketeer vibe. Yeah, that's my wife's least favourite bit.

00:10:43 Speaker_09
Yeah, well, I think it rounds you off nicely.

00:10:46 Speaker_11
Thank you very much.

00:10:47 Speaker_09
Yeah, it balances it, doesn't it? It does balance it. It's not just attached. Yeah. So you go, he's got a moustache, but it ain't just a tash, he's got more about it. It's a look. Yeah, yeah. It's a strong look.

00:10:55 Speaker_09
And when you've got a tash, is what I've noticed, you notice other people with tashes and you do the tash nod. It's odd. But I think nowadays, I think the tash is quite cool. If you can grow a nice one, you can bowl around with it.

00:11:08 Speaker_09
You know, you look a bit edgy, you know what I mean? And also for me now, because I had a wig on and I had a moustache, it means I'm a versatile actor, even though I'm still a cockney. Yeah. And I don't care what they say.

00:11:18 Speaker_09
You know, you look at me and go, okay, that's a different character. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh... You can do Cockney with a Tash. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Cockney without a Tash.

00:11:24 Speaker_09
You know, and it was all me own because other people unfortunately couldn't grow them. I won't, I won't name them.

00:11:29 Speaker_09
And so they had to have the stick on ones, which is a nightmare, you know, every time you smile, you know, one sticks up in the air and you got to make up, you know, just constantly dabbing it down with glue was, I was just bowling around with a nice shiny sort of oily tash, you know.

00:11:42 Speaker_11
Do you think that people with fake tashes do a fake tash nod?

00:11:46 Speaker_09
Yeah, I think they probably do, because they're in pain. It's quite a painful process. I mean, once I got my wig on, I did look a little bit like Bob Carolgees. I mean, that's a throwback. You know, not ideal, really, Bob Carolgees.

00:12:01 Speaker_09
Although I'm sure he was a lovely geezer. You know, he had a nutty puppet. I mean, he did gob at people and stuff. But good back in the day, you know, in the 80s, they loved all that, didn't they?

00:12:13 Speaker_10
Are you much of a foodie, Danny?

00:12:15 Speaker_09
I eat a lot of shit, so I don't know much about food, but I realise I do eat a lot of shites, and I always have. I don't know why, I don't know why that is. I just, you know, that quick fix of just flavour, you know, that's the game I'm in really.

00:12:32 Speaker_09
I can quite easily just fly through a pack of you know them sort of processed cheese, but the dairy-ly ones, you know, so, you know, it's better than a triangle, because it's all getting out of the triangle.

00:12:44 Speaker_09
But, you know, I can sit there on my own, just opening them, just smashing them down, no bread, no crackers.

00:12:49 Speaker_11
Like the slices?

00:12:50 Speaker_09
Like the slices, the dairy-ly slices, you know. I mean, the thing is, if you're sort of on your set, you're just smothered with all the little wrappers around you, which is no good.

00:12:59 Speaker_09
And interestingly, it was hot last night, and I had a fan on, so every time I took the cheese out of its thing, the wrappers were flying all over the gaff. Like crystal mates. It was a fucking mess. Like crystal mates.

00:13:11 Speaker_09
So yeah, I do eat a lot of processed stuff, hence why I've got a pair of tits. I think that's it, isn't it? First style actor. I think that's the reason for tits in men, I think it's processed food.

00:13:26 Speaker_10
Processed cheese, straight to the tits.

00:13:27 Speaker_09
Especially if it's Dairy Lee. He's had half a chance, it's better than the other. Just a Morrison's one, you know what I mean? Just a really yellowy one, you know what I mean? At least it's Dairy Lee. So in answer to your question, no, I'm not a foodie.

00:13:40 Speaker_09
I wish I was. I think as you get older in life, maybe you learn more about grub. It's all about the gut health, isn't it? I know about all that probiotics, but you just can't be fucked at the moment, you know? It's a science, isn't it?

00:13:55 Speaker_09
It's a science, but... It sort of takes the joy out of food, though, if you're thinking about science. I think eventually I would like to maybe learn about the gut health more. I don't know when.

00:14:04 Speaker_09
maybe like in between cheese slices you can google it and look up. You couldn't you could never cheese slice see you know because it all starts with a gut so I can't imagine what my guts are going through and I do apologize.

00:14:18 Speaker_10
So we always start with still or sparkling water, Danny.

00:14:21 Speaker_09
Do you have a preference? Well, I'm going to go sparkling because I think you judge people and their wealth by, you know, water. How do you drink water in life? Yeah. You know, there's people on this planet which is bollocks.

00:14:32 Speaker_09
They have to walk two miles to a fucking well. Yeah. It stinks as shit. And they have to drink that water. And there's other people just, you know, glugging fucking, you know, sort of water out of a bottle and pinging it over their shoulder.

00:14:43 Speaker_09
Plastic fucking, you know, so sparkling water for me when I was a kid, The idea of Perrier water was so out of my reach in the 80s and that, it was like, fucking hell, if people can drink Perrier water, then they're Keiko Beiko, which means rich.

00:14:56 Speaker_09
So I always get quite excited around it now, because I can afford it and I can have it. And I quite like it, I quite like the taste of it, especially if it's chilled.

00:15:06 Speaker_09
It's almost like I'm sitting there, I can have a little glass, I feel like I'm at an important meeting somewhere, some sort of boardroom.

00:15:11 Speaker_10
Do you remember when you realised you were Keiko Beiko?

00:15:14 Speaker_09
Um, quite recently really I think, you know, I think when I bought a Bentley. Yeah, that's a big, that's a big sign. Well the thing about Bentleys though, is you can't get them on finance.

00:15:23 Speaker_09
So they flew in to me, they obviously knew I had a few quid about me, and they said, oh why don't you come to Bentley?

00:15:28 Speaker_09
And I went down to Bentley, Tunbridge Wells, that's a fucking, that's a sign, and I went in there and they said, listen, we're gonna, we're gonna borrow you this motor, a Bentley Bentayga for a week. Fucking hell, I couldn't believe it.

00:15:37 Speaker_09
And they know what they're doing, I drove about in this motor, it was fucking unbelievable, it was massaging me, and it had the little holes in the seat, you know, you can press a button, it blows out all cold air and shit.

00:15:46 Speaker_09
And I knew I wasn't going to be able to give it back. And so I had to pay for it in cash. Yeah. So I forgot. They knew exactly what you were doing.

00:15:53 Speaker_09
Well, I had to explain it to me missus, because obviously, you know, no one needs to spend that much on a car. And so, so I made sure they put some tellies in the back with Netflix, just so I go, it's for the kids. Yeah. Long journeys, you know.

00:16:05 Speaker_09
And now I've got them, the kids are just on their phones, don't even watch it. Yeah. Just bollocks. It's what I'm saying. Privileged kids. I brought up very privileged kids, you know, they don't realise it. Fucking bone markets. Yeah. Walk everywhere.

00:16:16 Speaker_09
I'll get a bus. Yeah. You know, so door to door Bentley market.

00:16:21 Speaker_11
So sparkling water.

00:16:23 Speaker_09
Yeah. I would like to get one of them taps. My missus won't have it again. I don't know why you get a magic taps with boiling water, cold water, fucking fizzy water. Yeah. You can fuck out of fuck. Does it work? Yeah. It's impossible.

00:16:37 Speaker_09
So I might invest in one. You could get one in the Bentley. I could have one in the Bentley, couldn't I? I mean, that's caked.

00:16:43 Speaker_10
That's another level of cake there, isn't it? That's pretty great. But you want to make sure the tap's in a convenient place. You don't want that coming out the bottom of the seat. Coming out the roof, just to sort of open you.

00:16:53 Speaker_10
You can just open your gullet like that.

00:16:56 Speaker_09
You've got a cop for that, you know. Just crack on with your day. Absolutely lovely.

00:17:01 Speaker_10
Do you want ice or lemon in the sparkling water?

00:17:03 Speaker_09
No, I think have it straight as it comes. I've never been a fan of lemon in my water. I've never understood it. I do like a bit of lemon, but, you know, some people have lemon in their Coke. It's fucking awful, isn't it? I mean, why? Why?

00:17:15 Speaker_09
Fucking about, all the piff starts coming out fucking about of it. So, no, not for me. Straight, nice, cold sparkling water. I mean, it's a good way to start the day.

00:17:23 Speaker_10
If a pip comes loose in the slice of lemon. It winds me up.

00:17:26 Speaker_09
That's stressful.

00:17:27 Speaker_10
Yeah, it really is. It's like, I don't know why.

00:17:29 Speaker_09
It's stuck in a straw. I wonder who started it, you know, putting lemon in it. They do that on a plane, you know, you're on a plane, you're off for a coke, they just chuck lemon in it, you're like, fucking hell.

00:17:37 Speaker_09
And then you've got to drink it, you know, you don't want to make a scene. Yeah. People start recognising me on there, and I'll go, oh, I won't have it with lemon in it, you know, it makes me look a fucking idiot, so.

00:17:46 Speaker_09
So I'll just bang it down quick before the, you know, any of the pips can, you know, fucking make a break for it. Yeah. POP LOBS OR BREAD! POP LOBS OR BREAD, DADDY DYER! POP LOBS OR BREAD!

00:17:57 Speaker_09
Well, it's an odd one, Nat, because you never go in a restaurant, you don't get offered that, because obviously we're in some nutty gaff. Because I'm getting the option, I'm going to go with poppadoms.

00:18:06 Speaker_09
You never go to an Indian restaurant and they go, do you want bread? Instead, it ain't going to happen. It's the same in a normal restaurant, where you go, do you know what, have you got any poppadoms? Because they'll just laugh at you.

00:18:16 Speaker_09
But I do like the, you know, I like the idea from poppadoms, especially the posh ones, you spin it all, the little thing around, the little silver bowls and, you know, so I quite like the poppadom. You know, they're a nutty, I mean, what is it?

00:18:30 Speaker_09
What is it? What the fuck is it? It's interesting, I play a lot of football and if someone's shitting goal, you call them poppadom hands. Because they can't catch the ball or save it, it just goes through their fucking hands. Yeah, yeah.

00:18:41 Speaker_09
Because they do, they disintegrate, don't they? Yeah. So I think I'll get involved with the poppadom just because I can.

00:18:47 Speaker_10
You think that's a film you could pitch to Tim Burton? It's uh, Edward Poppadom Hands? Edward Poppadom Hands, yeah.

00:18:52 Speaker_09
I think he'd go for it, he'd make it sexy somehow. Yeah, yeah. You know, it'd sort of work. But I do like it, I like the shit you put on them. Yeah. That hot one, it's a right hot one and all that you, it's a normal one.

00:19:01 Speaker_09
Like the pickle, like the lime pickle. Yeah. you know, the rest of them's quite sweet, you know, lime thing and a bit of mango, which is always nice, a nice bit of onion.

00:19:09 Speaker_09
You know, some people put a bit of lettuce on it, which is fucking weird, you know what I mean? Putting lettuce on a poppadom, I mean, you know, there's nothing worse.

00:19:16 Speaker_11
I don't think I've seen something, that's weird, that is mad.

00:19:18 Speaker_09
Yeah, you get different kind of salads, didn't you?

00:19:19 Speaker_11
Right, yeah, yeah.

00:19:20 Speaker_09
So you get just straight onion, and then they'll do one with a bit of tomato and sort of lettuce. Yeah. You know, you don't fuck with that. There shouldn't be nowhere near a fucking poppadom in my eyes.

00:19:29 Speaker_10
Agreed, agreed.

00:19:29 Speaker_09
It's too heavy, it's too heavy the lettuce. Yeah. Putting fucking lettuce on a poppadom.

00:19:34 Speaker_10
I ordered some dirty fries recently. Right, go on. And they dumped lettuce on it. On the dirty fries? On the fries.

00:19:40 Speaker_09
Not dirty at all.

00:19:41 Speaker_10
So there was like some cold bacon lardons. Nice. Loads of mayonnaise and then loads of lettuce.

00:19:48 Speaker_09
I was not happy. So it wasn't your choice to put the lettuce on there?

00:19:51 Speaker_10
No, I wanted the dirty fries. In my head it's gonna have like cheese and you know hot bacon maybe. Cold bacon lardons. too much mayonnaise, like globbed on, and loads of lettuce. A little quilt on it.

00:20:04 Speaker_10
Yeah, I didn't know what was going on, they'd like, you know, stirred it all in there, but I... Make you feel less shit about eating the dirty fry, you've got to worry about that bit of lettuce.

00:20:12 Speaker_11
Because you had to eat the lettuce. So you go through the lettuce.

00:20:15 Speaker_09
Through the lettuce. Do the nice bit. Yeah, yeah. And then you get into the filth.

00:20:18 Speaker_10
Yeah, yeah. Okay. But if you're ordering something called dirty fries, you're not there, I'm not there to be clean.

00:20:23 Speaker_09
No, no.

00:20:24 Speaker_10
Are you a fan of spice? When you say about the spicy dip, do you like hot food? I do love hot food, yeah.

00:20:29 Speaker_09
I think I was brought up, my mother used to always get Indian and she'd get them a dress and she'd always save me a little bit on the plate when I was young, you know what I mean? So I got used to having a lot of food as a youngster.

00:20:40 Speaker_09
So I've moved up now and I'm sort of a Vindaloo man. And I do love a Vindaloo. It's just something about it. I mean, obviously, you know, having a pony after. Because there's a myth that it gives you the runs. It doesn't give you the runs, Indian food.

00:20:56 Speaker_09
It just makes your arsehole sting. So the way it goes in is the same way it comes out. So that's fucking weird.

00:21:05 Speaker_09
So sometimes I have been known to, because there's a, I get a naughty vindaloon near me, because they're all different sort of, you know, some are really spicy, some are not so bad.

00:21:13 Speaker_09
So sometimes you can put the cards you own in the fridge and just have it ready, just to get that first pony out of the way.

00:21:19 Speaker_09
You know it's coming, you're going to get it out of the way, and just dab that bottle, bottle and glass his arse, tentatively, and just get through it.

00:21:27 Speaker_09
You know, it's worth it, because I like to have it on a Saturday, because it feels like a Saturday for me, and especially after a few beers.

00:21:34 Speaker_11
Do you always have the toilet roll in the fridge just in case you order a curry?

00:21:38 Speaker_09
There's been times, I think sometimes I'll just risk it and think, fuck it, you know. When it's a naughty one, I know it's coming, so I will just... And I've got a lot of fridges in me, Gavin, because I'm caked. Yeah.

00:21:46 Speaker_09
Yeah, I've got a few wine coolers, and so I can stash me Qazi roll somewhere without anyone seeing it when I open the fridge, because obviously... You've got a fridge just for... Well, yeah, you don't want to leave your toilet roll next to the potato salad in the fridge.

00:21:58 Speaker_09
It's not very advertising, is it? So, you know, just plop it downstairs in me little wine cooler and dab away. But I love it. I do. I've always loved spicy food. My daughter's doing TikTok at the moment. I've got a middle-child son.

00:22:08 Speaker_09
He just wants me to do this hot chip challenge. Oh, don't do it. We've done it. I said, wasn't it for me? Yeah, yeah. So she gets all followers and likes. Yeah. And I just fucking bang in trouble. Yeah.

00:22:17 Speaker_11
Yeah. We, we, we did it.

00:22:19 Speaker_09
And it's bad, isn't it? It's awful. It's only shaped like a Dorito, isn't it? Yeah. It's a little even fucking ill. surely I'll be sweet.

00:22:25 Speaker_11
It comes in a coffin-shaped box.

00:22:27 Speaker_09
Yeah. It's dreadful. It's not so much the mouth, it's the stomach, isn't it again?

00:22:33 Speaker_10
It's the most painful thing I've ever done. Don't do it. I'm not fucking doing it.

00:22:37 Speaker_10
The people who, and I'm worried I even mentioned it because we mentioned it on the podcast once and then they contacted our agents, the people who made us do it, tricked us into doing it, saying can we release the footage now?

00:22:47 Speaker_10
And I'm like, no, we still aren't. So if you're listening, I'm still angry with you. In fact, you're a bunch of pricks for tricking us into doing that shit.

00:22:53 Speaker_09
Okay, so talking about obviously, you know, the stingy arse, I can't imagine...

00:22:59 Speaker_11
It was instant as well.

00:23:00 Speaker_10
It was like my tongue was being chopped up with scissors. It was horrible.

00:23:04 Speaker_11
You tried to walk home, didn't you?

00:23:06 Speaker_10
Yeah, I tried to walk home.

00:23:07 Speaker_11
And ended up in the McDonald's toilet.

00:23:09 Speaker_10
Yeah, I did shit in McDonald's. I'm saying it affects you walking and shit. Oh my God. As I was walking home, I was like, I'm not gonna make it home.

00:23:16 Speaker_11
I was in a cab holding onto the handle in the back of the cab to stop my body moving too much because every time we went over a speed bump, I thought I was just gonna empty.

00:23:24 Speaker_09
Well, thank you, boys. I needed to hear this. Don't do it. I was nearly... I love her. You know, you love your kids, you do stuff for them. Yeah, yeah. You know, you do, you know, like you jump in front of a bullet and all that bullet.

00:23:34 Speaker_09
So I thought, I'll do it for her, you know, because... This is worse than a bullet. No, I'm not getting there. You won't. No, because it's not getting it for me. You're right.

00:23:39 Speaker_10
You won't love her after you've eaten it. I know she's your daughter, but after you've eaten it, you won't love her. Don't do it. Okay.

00:23:46 Speaker_09
Well, that level of heat's not for me. No.

00:23:49 Speaker_11
You like to get a little sweat on, a little buzz.

00:23:51 Speaker_09
I like a little sweat on. I just like the idea of that bit of sting in the mouth. Like I said, if you... You know, if you've had a few lagers up to this point, it's like a kebab in it, it's not when you get a large doner.

00:24:01 Speaker_09
You know, you can't eat them sober. They always worry about people eating doners sober, you know, it's a fucking sentimental matter mentally. You know, you've got to be a bit pissed, it's wrong.

00:24:08 Speaker_09
With the garlic, you know, sauce on it and the chilli sauce and... you know, a bit of red cabbage and all, you know, and you just sort of munch it, it's the fucking best thing in the world.

00:24:19 Speaker_09
And then, you know, as soon as you've had it, you know, you just instant regret, isn't it? And just that taste of whatever the fuck it is, donkey, is it? I don't know what it is. It's hard to, you never know, do you?

00:24:29 Speaker_09
I mean, you look at it, the shape of it, you'd never know what it is. It could be fucking anything. They're slicing it off in front, you know, oh, look at that, that looks beautiful. And of course after you've hit it, you think, what have I become?

00:24:41 Speaker_09
Who am I? You know.

00:24:42 Speaker_11
I was at a music festival this weekend and at this music festival I always get the bunny chow, which is a South African thing, which is a hollowed out loaf of bread. And then they put chilli con carne in the middle of it. Okay.

00:24:52 Speaker_11
But they get hot, there's hot 50-50 or mild and I always get the hot. You've got to go hot.

00:24:59 Speaker_09
You've got to. At a festival, right? Is it a festival, this guy?

00:25:03 Speaker_11
Yeah, it's proper, like, sweat on, sweat under the eyes, little buzz.

00:25:10 Speaker_10
No access to a proper toilet.

00:25:11 Speaker_11
No access to a proper toilet, but I've got, like, maybe eight hours until things really kick off.

00:25:16 Speaker_09
Yeah, usually you'd hope, you know, because it takes a while, doesn't it?

00:25:19 Speaker_11
Yeah. So we're luckily staying in a hotel for this music festival. So the next morning I woke up in agony. But the beauty of it, it's instant relief.

00:25:27 Speaker_09
Straight to the toilet, feel amazing, have another one the next day. Nice little ankle clutcher. Yeah. Boom, boom, boom, Tartarevich. I think a chilli should be hot and all. There's nothing worse than just a shit chilli. Yeah, what's that? It's mint.

00:25:40 Speaker_09
It's just mint. It's like when you're filming and catering and they're frightened to put spice in anything. A shit chilli is just pointless. It needs some bollocks, a chilli. Yeah, 100%. But that sounds lovely. I'd have a go on that, I think.

00:25:52 Speaker_11
Yeah, and they put a bit of sour cream on the top and then some of the bread that they've taken out of the loaf, they put garlic butter on it and toast it and stick it on top.

00:25:59 Speaker_09
This is a posh festival, this. Jesus Christ.

00:26:02 Speaker_11
Is it a heavy metal festival?

00:26:03 Speaker_09
Is it heavy metal? Oh, okay, right, okay. I mean, you notice that most festivals people don't eat because, er, drugs. Yeah.

00:26:14 Speaker_10
Let's get into your menu proper, Danny. Your dream starter.

00:26:17 Speaker_09
I've never been a starter man. Do you know what I mean? But I think the only time you have starters indoors is Christmas. You know, a lot of people go, oh, fuck me, we're going to have a starter. And you go, what? Prawn cocktail, isn't it?

00:26:30 Speaker_10
Yeah, yeah.

00:26:30 Speaker_09
And everyone fucking does it.

00:26:32 Speaker_10
Yeah, yeah.

00:26:33 Speaker_09
It's mad that there's only one day of the year that you'd make the effort to make a starter for everyone. Yeah. So I do like a prawn cocktail. I do love it. I love that. you know, that fucking Mary Rose sauce. Bit of lettuce involved in that as well.

00:26:48 Speaker_09
I've recently discovered paprika. So I'm in charge of the star. So I like to put a little bit of paprika on it. It makes it look a bit posh, you know what I mean? How did you discover paprika? I can't remember now. I just, I think I bought it by accident.

00:27:03 Speaker_09
I think I bought it, I went to the... What were you trying to buy? You know, you go in the supermarket, there's loads of fucking hundreds of them. It's like, fuck me. If you had them indoors, what would you do with all these spices?

00:27:12 Speaker_09
And I think I wanted to pick up chilli flakes and I picked up the paprika. So anyway, I went with it and I got the hot, smoky one. So if you just put a little bit on top of your prawn cocktail, it just looks the bollocks. Yeah.

00:27:25 Speaker_09
So for the purpose of this gaff that we're in, you know, the dream scenario, it would probably be like a lobstery one. Oh, nice. Fucking lobster. Yeah. Maybe some little cherry tomatoes in the mix as well, you know.

00:27:37 Speaker_12
Yeah.

00:27:37 Speaker_09
In a bit, you know, in sort of like a cocktail glass, you know, like that's, that's the fucking one for me, I think.

00:27:43 Speaker_10
Yeah.

00:27:44 Speaker_09
I just, I just, and I love, I love all that bollocks. I just, I think it's the sauce that I love. Yeah. You know, I'm quite partial to dipping a crab stick in that sauce as well. Lovely. We can put some crab sticks in there.

00:27:53 Speaker_09
Yeah, we'll put some crab sticks on the side. Again, issues with the rappers, because... It's the same thing. Can you imagine if it comes on the back of eating some Dairy Lee Squares, you know, and then crab sticks, I mean, the ass. And then the fan.

00:28:05 Speaker_09
And then the fan. Yeah, and the fan's on. I mean, fuck, how do you explain it to the missus? your kids and stuff, you know, just sort of looking you up and down, they're disgusted with you.

00:28:14 Speaker_09
But yeah, you know, dipping a crab stick in some of that Mary Rose sauce is a pleasant experience for me. Yeah.

00:28:18 Speaker_11
I just imagine you're Bentley now, the passenger foot well just full of wrappers.

00:28:23 Speaker_09
It's me Bentley, I can do what I want in there. Yeah. I suppose the crab stick, it's like, Do you just dip it in or do you strip it? Right. Because what the fuck is it as well? Sure. Again. It's not crab. What is it?

00:28:34 Speaker_10
It's suspicious isn't it?

00:28:35 Speaker_09
It's fucking, because it was called crab sticks and now they're not. They're called fish sticks. Yeah. Because there's no crab in it but it's their fish.

00:28:41 Speaker_10
I was googling it now I think.

00:28:43 Speaker_11
I guess there has to be some fish in it for them to call it fish.

00:28:47 Speaker_09
You know, it can't be just sticks. But it's strips isn't it? It's very, it's strips and they roll it. And they roll it but then, but then, one side of it is pink, right? Which is how I go when I'm on holiday. I turn into a fucking crab stick.

00:29:01 Speaker_09
I'm not good at the turning over and shit. So you sort of lay there like that, you know, try and get your feet in the right place. Because the trotters are always the last thing to burn.

00:29:08 Speaker_09
So, you know, you try and get all your fingers splayed, you know, try and get brown, but you forget to turn, didn't you? So many times I've turned into a crab stick on holiday. It's horrible. It's like two men.

00:29:20 Speaker_09
You know, you look at me from there, I'm pink. And if I was to turn around, white as a sheet. So you'd never recognize me from behind. Gotta learn to turn on that bed, you know what I mean? But I've always loved them, crab sticks.

00:29:33 Speaker_09
And I love all that sort of food that, you know, that whelks, I love a whelk. Again, it's, I can understand why people look at me and go, what the fucking hell is that, man? You know, like the big old bogies, you know, just sitting in a bowl.

00:29:46 Speaker_09
You lace them with chili vinegar and white pepper. And you chew them, pray you don't get any grit, because it does sort of put you off the grit. Same with a cockle. You know, if you crunch down a bit of grit in a cockle, it winds me up.

00:30:00 Speaker_09
But you can't get it all out. You can't get all the grit out. So I love all that. I love seafood. I love a jelly deal. And I understand, again, with the idea of you know, eating a jelly deal where you've got to suck around the spine and gob the spine out.

00:30:14 Speaker_09
You know, like that's the process really. So you have a separate pot for the spines.

00:30:19 Speaker_09
And you notice that old boys, you know, a good pie and mash shop is someone, an old boy in the corner with fucking old duffel coat on, you know, cap on, obviously a widower. He's in the same spot.

00:30:30 Speaker_09
and you can see him sitting there, you know, he's got no teeth. That's the thing. You need no teeth to eat them, really.

00:30:36 Speaker_09
Probably the one advantage of having no teeth would be that you can suck round an eel and then gob it into a fucking pot and then crack on with your day. You know, it's incredible to me. But I think when you have them as a youngster, it works for me.

00:30:51 Speaker_09
I don't know why.

00:30:53 Speaker_11
Yeah. So those places still exist, the pie and mushrooms?

00:30:56 Speaker_09
Yeah, absolutely. I bought it out on the strength of...

00:30:58 Speaker_09
there was a Pie & Mash in walking distance, which was a step up for me, because I was living in a place called Custom House near Cunnington, and then I earned a few quid, wasn't quite quaked, and I moved out of the area in Essex, and basically when I drove to the viewing, I saw the Pie & Mash, I thought, fuck it, I'm buying it.

00:31:13 Speaker_09
I'm not going to say the gaff yet, but the fact there's a pie and mash shop right there. And I remember moving in, there was all people outside sort of milling about going, fucking hell, what are you doing moving around here?

00:31:23 Speaker_09
Sort of questioning me, thinking I was a multi-millionaire at that point. I wasn't. So it was a big step up for us. It was a big four bedroom house. We needed to get out of the manor.

00:31:30 Speaker_09
And then I'd wake up some days and there'd be eggs thrown at my house, which is weird. So people were sort of resenting me for moving around there. But if you're going to chuck eggs at someone's house, surely you'd wait for their reaction.

00:31:41 Speaker_09
So basically they'd throw eggs and then fuck off home. So I'd get up, look at me side of me gaff, fucking shell everywhere, and what's the point of that? And then it started to get a little bit more naughty, chucking vodka bottles and shit.

00:31:54 Speaker_09
I don't know what the fuck I've done, by the way. Maybe it was my character in EastEnders I didn't like. It must have been.

00:32:01 Speaker_09
So we had a little stretch round there for a little while, and then I got a bit more caked, and then we managed to go to a lovely place where we live now, which is lovely.

00:32:11 Speaker_10
They're throwing caviar at your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that sort of vibe, you know. Your dream main course, Danny?

00:32:26 Speaker_09
Well, I do love a leg of lamb. Yeah, yeah. And lambs are fucking cute. Like, if you think about it, you'd never eat one if you saw one. You're like, fuck it, what a lovely little thing that is. Yeah. Innocence. Easter.

00:32:41 Speaker_09
I don't know, what's the fuck's lamb's got to do with Easter?

00:32:43 Speaker_10
It's all about new life, isn't it?

00:32:45 Speaker_09
Yeah, spring. It's in spring as well, I guess that's birth. Spring lamb's the best lamb.

00:32:49 Speaker_10
Yeah, it's all the Christian stuff of new life.

00:32:53 Speaker_09
I love a bit of lamb, honestly. I want a whole leg, I want that to myself. Yeah.

00:32:59 Speaker_09
My nan used to do a leg of lamb and then she'd sort of chop it all off and then she'd throw me and my brother the bone at the end and then we'd have to fight over this bone. You know, whoever copped for it first got the best bit and all that.

00:33:10 Speaker_09
There's something about gnawing round a bone that I love. Yeah. And also the result in my gaff is that No one else eats lamb. It's a weird one because a lot of people don't like it. They're offended by lamb. I just love it.

00:33:23 Speaker_09
And if I do a roast, I'll do a leg of lamb for me and a bit of chicken for everyone else, which means on my plate, I've just got a fucking great big leg of lamb with sort of trimmings around it. So that will be the game I'm in.

00:33:34 Speaker_09
It will be a leg of lamb and a roast dinner because I fucking love a roast. It's the only time we sit around the table as a family, because again, I've got to go back to having very privileged children. You know, they're fussy as fuck.

00:33:46 Speaker_09
Yeah, I mean like when I was a kid, you know, you know fucking hot dogs of super noodles put down in front I mean, I had to fucking eat it. Yeah, the worst one was chicken Kiev.

00:33:55 Speaker_09
I couldn't stand the chicken Kiev So I try and get as much in me mouth as possible go go to the car Z Pretend I'm having a piss and gob it out. Yeah, but I'd sweet you because I won't get another dinner That sounds cruel now, but back in the day.

00:34:07 Speaker_09
It's like no, there's your dinner. That's what you're gonna wait and If you don't want it, fuck ya. And so- But you weren't eating it? Well, I had to eat some of it in front of them, didn't I?

00:34:15 Speaker_09
So you ate a bit of it and then- Swallowing it like, ah, fuck it. Weirdly, I love a chicken Kiev now. Chicken Kiev's great. Yeah, but back in the day, I think the ones that my mother used to get was the ready-meal type one, you know what I mean?

00:34:25 Speaker_09
It was, you know, it wasn't a very pleasant, you know, it was, there was nothing coming out of it. You know, like the ones you see on an advert, they cut it open, it was just this lovely sort of garlicky sort of fucking butter coming out.

00:34:35 Speaker_09
It was dry as fuck. So, so, so, so I love them both because we all sit around the table and blank each other. But at least we've made the effort to sit around the table. So I never, when I cook for the kids, they always have different things.

00:34:52 Speaker_09
So I can never really cook them the same thing, which is the beauty of an air fryer. You know, so I ain't got to fuck about putting two things in an oven. You know, like my boy who loves them little frozen pizzas.

00:35:03 Speaker_09
If I was to make him one, like fresh, he wouldn't be going, I don't want it. I bought a pizza oven outside, it's cost me five grand. When you're not going to eat it. No, I want the little frozen ones. He'd go, fucking hell. What have I brought up here?

00:35:17 Speaker_09
What have I dragged up? The tip to the little frozen ones is you get your air fryer, sort of squirt, and you just squirt it on the top. Just to give it a nice little bit of... What are you squirting in there? The oil. A bit of oil on the top.

00:35:31 Speaker_09
Just so it goes a little bit browner. Because they're horrible, them frozen pieces.

00:35:36 Speaker_11
Like the Chicago Town ones?

00:35:37 Speaker_09
You can never get them right. Not yet, Chicago Town ones, that's it. Chicago Town, something like that. And then there's just these fucking bland fucking, especially the four cheese one that he likes. It's one cheese.

00:35:49 Speaker_09
There's no way in the fucking world there's four cheeses on it. So now and again, there's a katsu curry one, which fucking hell. But so it will have a pepperoni. Sometimes you'll have a cheese and a pepperoni. Yeah.

00:36:03 Speaker_09
You know, just to mix it up and I'll just do some fries in here, fry and that's him done. Chop up a bit of cucumber to make myself feel better, you know. Yeah. See him sort of gnaw around that because he won't really eat veggies and stuff. Yeah.

00:36:12 Speaker_09
My daughter, she's 17, she's a little bit more open with food. It has to be certain things, certain pastas. You know, like pasta's the same thing, isn't it? Not the new pasta, I'm talking about dried pasta.

00:36:25 Speaker_09
Don't matter what fucking shape it is, it tastes the fucking same, doesn't it? But it has to be, if I do this, I do a vodka pasta, it has to be the little farfelli, the dickie bows. And I'm sorry to say this, but they're a cunt to get old of.

00:36:40 Speaker_09
You know, like penne, sweet rigatoni, you can get hold of the fusilli. But the fucking farfelli, it's got to be a certain gaffe, you've got to get it.

00:36:49 Speaker_09
There's another one, the shells, it begins with a C. You do them with a bolognese, you know, it's a beautiful thing. They're great because they catch loads of sauce. Yeah, little pockets.

00:37:04 Speaker_09
It's just, you know, it's beautiful, but it's got to be farfetched. So, um, so I've done that for yesterday anyway. So for the rest of the week, I've got to try and come up with, I bought a fucking magnet for the fridge, right? Menu magnet.

00:37:17 Speaker_09
But what we're going to do is we're going to write down what you want to eat all week. So I can, you know, get it in all in order. No one's fucking gone near it at all. They're not interested in it.

00:37:27 Speaker_09
So every morning I go, what would you want for dinner tonight? Just so I can get it in order. So I don't know. I go, but I need, I need a rough idea. Just because later when you're angry and I've got, because I've, I've, I've legally got phagias.

00:37:39 Speaker_09
There's a few things I've got to do until you're 18, which is, you know, feed you, get you about. You basically just become a cabbie and a chef. That's the fucking two main things.

00:37:49 Speaker_09
The other thing is, every time they turn the hot water tap on, there's got to be hot water. When it gets cold, the radiators have to work. That's the other thing. And you've got to clothe them. But when they're 18, that's it. They can fuck off.

00:38:00 Speaker_09
So up to that point, I need to know, what the fuck do you want to eat? So it's like four different things, that's what it is. So luckily by Friday, it's a takeaway. Just get away with it. So I don't know what's happening tonight.

00:38:12 Speaker_09
There's been no discussions when I left. So I know it's on me when I get home, what the fuck they're going to be. Oh, that's not in the fridge. Oh, why didn't you get that? And because you didn't fucking tell me this morning, but I do love them. Yeah.

00:38:24 Speaker_09
Yeah. I love them very, very much. Yeah. Yeah. But if you, if you haven't got kids, there's no rush. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

00:38:32 Speaker_11
How are you roasting the lamb?

00:38:33 Speaker_09
Are you doing it like slow roast or just like... No, I whack it in there for about an hour and twenty, a bit of lemon on it, a bit of pepper, a bit of salt. That's the game I'm in. Lovely. Very, very simple.

00:38:45 Speaker_09
Also, it's good the lamb juice with your taters, because obviously you do different meats, but I always find that the lamb one sort of sticks to the tater more, because obviously you put the lamb in first and then a bit of goose fat in a separate

00:38:58 Speaker_09
a little sort of baking tray thing, put your taters in that, and then you whack that all in with a lamb and just get all that filth all over it. All that lamb blood. Amazing.

00:39:07 Speaker_09
And I want to pick it up with me hand and I don't want to fuck about with knife and fork. I want to smash into that. Yeah. You know, sort of dripping down me chin and all that sort of shit.

00:39:15 Speaker_10
Full Henry VIII sort of. Yeah. Well, hey, don't do Henry VIII references around Dundee.

00:39:20 Speaker_09
Well, obviously, yeah, he did iron out my 15 times great-grandfather. Yeah. Mad that, innit? It is mad. Fucking mental, that one. I mean, I couldn't give a fuck about King Edward III, to be honest. It was... Cromwell would have done me. Yeah.

00:39:32 Speaker_09
Because I'd never seen Wolf Hall. And there's another one coming out, which I'm very excited, this year, the second half of it. Obviously leading up to him getting his nut chopped off, so... Yeah.

00:39:40 Speaker_09
And also Mark Rylance, who played him, someone I worked with many moons ago, someone I very much look up to, but... I think Destiny, I must play Thomas Cromwell at some point. I mean, I'll be devastated if I don't get to play him.

00:39:52 Speaker_09
But, you know, just a kid out of Putney, you know, who rose through the ranks, you know, he fucked off to Florence, as you do, you know, in the sort of 16th century, learnt loads of languages, became a lawyer, came back, became his best mate.

00:40:05 Speaker_09
Yes, there were some issues around the church. that sort of stuff.

00:40:09 Speaker_09
But, uh, I got some really, some really horrible messages actually from some people digging me out for what Cromwell done, you know, because, uh, but, but, but he, but his last thing that he did, and I've said this before, it's why I love him, is that I wouldn't be here if, if before he had his nut off, he made sure his son Gregory, my 14 times great grandfather, married Elizabeth Seymour, my nan, sister of Jane, because Henry loved Jane.

00:40:34 Speaker_09
I mean, that was his ultimate treacle, right? So he didn't kill Gregory, because obviously it would have upset Jane and that, because Elizabeth might have, you know, had the ump, because obviously, you know, it was her fella.

00:40:45 Speaker_09
So he made sure that his son survived by marrying him off to Elizabeth. And then they had a child, and then they had a child, and then fuck me, 15 generations later, here I am. So it's clever, wasn't it?

00:40:59 Speaker_10
It's mad. Very clever.

00:41:00 Speaker_09
A bit more emotional when I watch it, you know, because, fuck me, that was me grandad. Yeah. Have any of you two done it yet? No.

00:41:07 Speaker_10
Oh, no? I found Josh Willinkham did it, and found out he was related to Henry VIII.

00:41:10 Speaker_09
Yeah. Oh, well, actual Henry VIII. Yeah. Fuck it, well, he's done me then, hasn't he?

00:41:16 Speaker_10
I don't think as many people went crazy after the episode. People were still pretty like, whoa, can't believe Josh Weddingham's related to Henry VIII, but I think there was maybe... It's quite fair like him, I suppose.

00:41:28 Speaker_09
If he tried to grow some stubble, it'd be ginger. Yeah, yeah.

00:41:32 Speaker_11
But Henry VIII was a busy boy, right? So he must have a lot of relations.

00:41:37 Speaker_09
the fact that, you know, these professors after, because I was the first one to be sort of related to King Edward III, and then these professors all came out and started going, well, actually, everyone's related to King Edward III, so I don't know what you're getting excited about.

00:41:51 Speaker_09
Fucking hell, cheers! shitting on me parade.

00:41:54 Speaker_09
I thought, well, hold on a minute, if I'm in series 18, why the fuck there's no one else but the... Oh, well, it's just because it's, you know, the one thing that's slightly impressive is that you've got a direct line, you know, there's no... they haven't got to fill in any gaps.

00:42:07 Speaker_09
I thought, fucking... Cheers. Yeah. I mean, one great achievement. Yeah. Was that everyone's so so we're all basically we're all fucking each other's cousins. We're all cousins. We're all related. Yeah. Break it to you all.

00:42:22 Speaker_09
You know, because because if that's what they're saying,

00:42:25 Speaker_11
Don't they check though, who do you think you are, check, that you've got an exciting family?

00:42:30 Speaker_09
No, no, no, the proctor, you know, whether you've got a profile or whatever, and they go, oh we've got to do one on you. They go, have you got any information?

00:42:37 Speaker_09
And you go, your mum, and they go, oh he just brings out a couple of old fucking photos from the 60s, okay.

00:42:43 Speaker_09
Then you go back to him and go, well, you know, I think, um, we're related to a family called the Batavants or the Boutavants, who were French. That's all you know. And then they fuck off, you know, nothing for fucking six months.

00:42:55 Speaker_09
And then they come back and go, and I know a couple of people who they come back and went, oh, sorry, listen, we're not going to do it. And you go, oh fucking hell, no compensation.

00:43:04 Speaker_09
I go, no, no, we're just not going to, we're not going to do one on you. That's my fear. Yeah, no, it's horrible, isn't it? Lovely to meet you. Or, like, in my case, they come back shaking.

00:43:13 Speaker_09
There's an energy, and they're like, fucking, what's going on here? They go, yeah, we're going to start filming in about three weeks, and what we're going to do is we'll pick you up on Tuesday at eight o'clock in the morning.

00:43:22 Speaker_09
You're going, this is fucking mad. The thing about that job is, you don't know what you're doing. You do a job and you go, I'm getting picked up, you learn your lines, you know where you're going.

00:43:31 Speaker_09
In that job, you don't even know where you're fucking going in the morning. So you don't know where you're going, where the cab's taking you, who you're meeting. It's really hard to get up for it.

00:43:40 Speaker_09
At the time, I was on a lot of Diazepam, I was going through a mad stage. I was a bit numbed, but I, you know, I was thrilled. And the other thing that fucked me off was that, you know, we won a BAFTA. I was the first one to win a BAFTA for my ep.

00:43:53 Speaker_09
And I, you know, got up there and they'd done the speech. It was a bit weird for my family. And then you go behind the stage, you know, you say, oh, can I get me BAFTA? And they all got one but me. And I stood there like a fucking plum.

00:44:07 Speaker_09
I thought there's a few on the table, so. And then so they go four out one to the producer one to the director one to someone else. I'd never fucking met I thought, where's my fucking... The runner. The runner got one.

00:44:20 Speaker_09
Yeah, but I didn't want to... Again, I didn't want to kick off, you know, like a prick, because... Yeah. You know, because I would have looked like, well, where's my BAFTA? You know, storming around. Sure. Throwing your lemon everywhere.

00:44:28 Speaker_09
But I thought, well, that's bollocks. Like, fucking... Yeah. So, you know, I thought, even to just get one for that, you know what I mean? That's nice to have it. Seems crazy. It's not like for a job, like an acting job or anything.

00:44:38 Speaker_09
You know, that's the dream. But just to have one would have been nice. So, yeah, unfortunately, I didn't fucking get one.

00:44:43 Speaker_09
they might have been worried you'd cut the head off the BAFTA yeah yeah well yeah you know just fascinating that my bloodline yeah got them that my great-grandad spunk and I don't get no BAFTA

00:44:57 Speaker_00
Hi, this is Christopher Kimball from Milk Street Radio. I often shop at Whole Foods markets since they sell the kind of food I like. Organic vegetables, a great meat counter, and of course a great staff.

00:45:07 Speaker_00
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00:45:22 Speaker_00
Or you can ask the Whole Foods team to cater your meal for you, including the bird, the sides, and desserts. Get your holiday party started at Whole Foods Market.

00:45:31 Speaker_06
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00:46:41 Speaker_10
Your dream side dish, Danny Dyer?

00:46:44 Speaker_09
Ooh, so a side dish is a weird one, isn't it? Because what is a side dish? It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. You know, it comes in a little half-moon plate, doesn't it, maybe, I'm thinking. But I like curry sauce and chips.

00:46:55 Speaker_09
Lovely. There's something about it, I don't know what. I mean, it's got to be the right chips. You know, it needs to be a chip shop chip. Like, you can't have curry sauce on fries.

00:47:03 Speaker_11
No.

00:47:04 Speaker_09
It just doesn't fucking work. I don't know why. So it's got to be them nice chip shop chips. and I would leave it down to you to how much curry sauce you're going to put on it.

00:47:13 Speaker_11
OK. Do you want the curry sauce over the top?

00:47:15 Speaker_09
Over the top, ladled on. Yes. And ideally with a plastic fork. You know, not the little wooden ones, them bollocky little ones. You know, they're not quite a fork. I don't know what the fuck they are.

00:47:23 Speaker_09
You know, they've got that weird little... I don't know what they are.

00:47:25 Speaker_11
Yeah, yeah, chip forks, yeah. Chip fork? Yeah.

00:47:27 Speaker_09
So I want a plastic fork. Well, not plastic, because obviously the planet, innit? Yeah. You'll be doing paper forks soon, you watch. Yeah. That won't fucking last. The same as the straws. It's all bollocks.

00:47:38 Speaker_12
Yeah.

00:47:39 Speaker_09
Don't give us fucking paper straws when you're still selling bottles of water and plastic f- I don't get it. Vapes now.

00:47:44 Speaker_12
Yeah.

00:47:45 Speaker_09
So okay, what we'll do is we'll give you a paper straw that's gonna last a bit. You gotta drink that drink fucking lively. Because that's fucking gonna disintegrate. But yeah, you can go and buy fucking fruity vapes. Yeah.

00:47:58 Speaker_09
It's just the maths don't add up. Yeah. But so, okay, let's go for a paper fucking folk. And to be fair, I would like the chips to be drowning in the curry sauce. You got it.

00:48:10 Speaker_09
It goes back to when I was young and, you know, having a Chinese as a youngster, when I'd be out with my mates and I'd have a bit of money in my pocket and I'd go to the takeaway and, you know, we're fucking about with what we're doing.

00:48:21 Speaker_09
you know, robbing Parcel Force fans. No, I'm joking.

00:48:25 Speaker_09
But you know, you have a break from it all, and then you go to the China's, you get the little tin, you get a bit of special fried rice in there, chips, vinegar all over it, and a curry sauce on it, and you just bowl around on a council estate eating that.

00:48:38 Speaker_09
That's the fucking one, that is. I mean, there's something about it. And that curry sauce has never changed the taste of it. So I love it. I love it.

00:48:46 Speaker_09
And I think as a side dish after munching on a leg of lamb, I mean, I won't be able to fucking move after.

00:48:52 Speaker_10
They go really nicely together. I love the idea of a leg of lamb and some chip shop chips with curry sauce.

00:48:57 Speaker_11
Dipping a bit of the lamb in the curry sauce as well.

00:48:59 Speaker_09
Oh, there you go. That means I'd have to maybe take a chunk off of me fingers though of the lamb, instead of eating it like, not in mediocre, because it's f***ing libertine. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe I could, maybe I could just sort of roll it in it.

00:49:12 Speaker_09
You know, and then smash it down. It's just a good idea, but I might have a go on this when I'm indoors on my own.

00:49:18 Speaker_10
Yeah, you can write it on the menu, on the fridge menu for yourself. Ah, I could do it for myself, couldn't I?

00:49:23 Speaker_09
You can write it there, there you go, kids. People in my house start busying themselves and judging me on it, you know. It's something you've got to eat on your own, just sitting in your pants, you know what I mean? With a fan on.

00:49:34 Speaker_10
Was there a fish and chip shop or a chip shop growing up that was like the best one that you always went to, that did the best chips?

00:49:40 Speaker_09
There's one near me now called Wilson's, which is a good one. Yeah. But back in the day, you had Jade House, which was the one that was down the main road, you know, where everyone would sort of hang out, you know, go up Jade House.

00:49:54 Speaker_09
Interestingly, that Chinese used to come in little bags. That's how long ago. It was little white bags. And you couldn't pick the fucker up because it was so hot, you know what I mean? So Jadass was the one.

00:50:05 Speaker_09
And then there was also another one called EastEnders Kebabs, which was weird, you know, I used to go in there a lot. And then I know I'd be in it, EastEnders, later on. I'm glad I ended up in the soap and not the shop.

00:50:17 Speaker_09
Some people go and have a work experience, but I believe Jade House is gone now, but I do believe that EastEnders Kebab Shop is still there.

00:50:26 Speaker_11
Is the font on the sign the same as the EastEnders font? I think they've tried that.

00:50:29 Speaker_09
I mean, that was a loud copyright, so. With the little Thames thing running through it.

00:50:34 Speaker_10
Yeah. And there's certain lines that you delivered in EastEnders, and then you hear the drum doof-doof in your head afterwards. I would find it impossible.

00:50:43 Speaker_09
Yeah. No, it's always a weird thing, that, because It's a myth, I think, that as an actor you get the scripts and you flick to the back because you want the doof-doof. Yeah.

00:50:52 Speaker_09
And there's a record of saying someone's done the most of them, but you don't want it because it's horrible, it's awkward. You have to hold a gaze for about eight seconds. And it's the same guys.

00:51:03 Speaker_09
You know, he's slightly constipated or... Because what it is, it's a cliffhanger. So it's the faces, what the fuck's going to happen? And I remember I got... I had a whole week, I got banged up in prison.

00:51:15 Speaker_09
And I had to go on holiday, see, so... And so I have to sort of work it into the thing, but... Basically I got set up, so someone shot themself and blamed it on me. Yeah. And then put my fingers on the gun. Yeah.

00:51:27 Speaker_09
And so in prison I was having a bad time, there was a daddy on the wing and all that. Although my coach, you know, he weren't a prick, he could have it off. Yeah, yeah. But obviously he didn't want to get in no way because he wanted to get out.

00:51:37 Speaker_09
So at the end of every ep, and I'd fall on the spin, was me getting either bullied or something had happened and it was the same face again. So you get exposed. You can't mix it up.

00:51:48 Speaker_09
It's got to be, and they're adamant about this, what the fuck is going to happen tomorrow.

00:51:54 Speaker_09
And so, you know, it is a face of... I can't quite do it now, but it's... it's a flare of the nostril, because you're sort of... you're sort of thinking, you're trying to... but you hold it for too long, because the camera, the next time you watch it, it sort of tracks into you.

00:52:10 Speaker_09
That's when you know it's a duff duck. I always know when I'm watching it that, oh, this is a duff duck. I can see the camera on the move. Yeah, yeah. And it never cuts to the other character who's talking to him and just broke the bad news. Yeah, yeah.

00:52:21 Speaker_09
So it's on your boat, it's on your boat, it's on your boat, you gotta hold it, gotta hold it, and then the duff-duffs kick in. So I would always dread them. I got a few in me time.

00:52:30 Speaker_09
Interestingly, I got one laugh in one, and I never done it again, it didn't work. Yeah, I laughed on the Doof Doof because it was Shirley breaking it to Phil that I was her brother. And so, weirdly, I laugh when she introduces me as her brother.

00:52:44 Speaker_09
I don't know why. She goes, Phil, this is me brother Mick. And I go... And then you've got to carry the laugh on. Doof, doof, doof, doof, doof. They never did it again. We did one jolly Christmas once as well. Yeah, and they never did that again.

00:53:00 Speaker_09
He's no one wants it No one was not a Christmas. No extenders. Yeah. Yeah, and we did a jolly up once Kathy was ran the piano singing What was it was a Morgan wise song?

00:53:10 Speaker_11
What is it the famous bring me sunshine bring me sunshine lovely and they ended this show like that No one wants to watch EastEnders and they're having a better time than they are at Christmas.

00:53:18 Speaker_09
You're right So it didn't work. It was all singing around the old Joanna. I

00:53:21 Speaker_10
People must have thought it was the final episode of EastEnders. No Duff Duff, they're singing Bring Me Sunshine, it's panning away. Hold on a second, is it over? Would have been a good way to end it. Are you a dream drink, Danny?

00:53:36 Speaker_09
Well, it's got to be lager because I just love it. I love lager. I love it so much. I've got to get it the right temperature as well. There's a little garage around the corner from me, a petrol garage.

00:53:46 Speaker_09
I mean, it's a shithole, this garage, but the fridge he's got. It's the perfect fucking temperature for beer.

00:53:52 Speaker_11
I can't... The amount of fridges you've got and your perfect temperature is in the garage around the corner.

00:53:57 Speaker_09
I can't get my fridges to this... It needs to be broke. So this fridge, I mean it's like 0 or 1. I can only get mine to go down to 3. Which is bollocks, it's always cold.

00:54:12 Speaker_09
So all I have to do is I have to quickly get it out and zap it in the freezer, the beer, in my gaff. Because I had one the other day and I was sitting in my garden on my jack.

00:54:20 Speaker_09
I've just had a big renovation job and I've not had a garden in nearly two years, it's been fucking horrendous. Anyway, I've got a garden, I've plotted out and I've got my beer fucking perfect, I poured it in a lovely glass.

00:54:29 Speaker_09
you know, you just sort of hold it up and I got a good head on it. And the thing about it was, it was out of a can, it was a Stella, it was a Uri Geller, as I like to call them.

00:54:36 Speaker_09
So anyway, I was holding it up and just looking at it and just thinking, this is just, and the head, you know, cause I poured it out of a can and the head doesn't last long.

00:54:42 Speaker_09
So you've got to get that first few gulps, you know, and it was just fucking perfect. Very refreshing. So I do love, an ice-cold lager. The thing about getting on the piss with them is it's only like the first two or three that taste nice.

00:54:57 Speaker_09
After that, it gets a bit... Filling you up. You could see your tits growing in your belly and you're like, oh, fucking hell, I've committed now. You know, the thing is, by pint eight, I don't know about yous two, you're fucking all over the gaff.

00:55:13 Speaker_09
Yeah, it's not good. It's not good. But once I started, I mean, what's the rule? Is it you can't have wine before beer or beer before wine? So it's a mix to mix. If you commit to beer, you've got to stay on the beer, ain't you?

00:55:24 Speaker_11
Yeah.

00:55:25 Speaker_09
But preferably in a beer garden as well, you know, is what you'd want.

00:55:28 Speaker_11
There is, lager is the only beer that fills that need. There's no other beer where it's like a hot day and you want to be perfect.

00:55:35 Speaker_09
It just looks perfect as well. It looks perfect. And I just think to wash down grub as well. And I don't mind wine and that now and again, you know, I must say, again, it's about how cold that white wine is.

00:55:47 Speaker_09
There's something about, you know, you pour it in that glass. When you go to a white posh restaurant, you know, you're in a posh cafe by the sort of condensation on the glass. you know, you can sort of wipe it and it's like, oh, fucking hell.

00:56:00 Speaker_09
That's all I take notes of with wine and all, I don't understand all that oaky, a bit oaky they say, some of them. Good nose, that's the other way, people sticking their fucking hooter right in it, and I'll be like, fucking hell. Who are these people?

00:56:13 Speaker_09
I do that. Do you? Yeah. I'd love to. Do you understand it?

00:56:17 Speaker_11
I don't think I fully understand it, but I'm interested in it. So I do the, I swell the glass and give it a sniff.

00:56:23 Speaker_09
And then you, and then you pull the glass back and then you can tell how much alcohol's in it by the legs. The legs, he knows the fucking name. The legs on it. There's something about it, wine as well. I do like it. I do like red and all.

00:56:36 Speaker_09
Would you have cold red wine or no? Yeah.

00:56:38 Speaker_11
Some, some, some red wines are really nice cold.

00:56:41 Speaker_09
Yeah, but there's some... Proper wine boats would be like, how dare you?

00:56:45 Speaker_11
Things like, you know, like Spanish red wines and things like that are perfect.

00:56:49 Speaker_10
I was behind you in a queue at a bar once. Oh, was ya? Not directly behind you. Right. But I had to give up and come back because you had ordered everyone who was standing at the bar shots. Okay. Classic.

00:57:07 Speaker_10
It was the interval, went to the O2 to watch someone. They comped kind of everyone down the front. So pretty much the front section was all comps and people that I recognised from different things.

00:57:18 Speaker_10
And then there was this little bar for all those people. So in the interval, went there, and I think you were like, right, come on, shots for all these people, let's do it.

00:57:27 Speaker_10
And I had to come back because it was taking quite a while for all the shots to get served to all the people at the front of the bar. Is it a free bar? I respected it. I think it was free.

00:57:36 Speaker_09
So I'm giving it the big end. Yeah, you're giving it the big end. It was your idea.

00:57:43 Speaker_11
So what sort of lager do you want? What particular lager?

00:57:46 Speaker_09
Well, like I said, I do like a Stella. I like a strong lager. I feel like the first two gets you on a nice sort of vibe. It's a tipsy, jolly, you know, when you get beyond that it gets messy. But I like Stella.

00:58:01 Speaker_09
It's interesting, every birthday I get bought beer for me, sort of beers from the world. But it'd only still be Stella and Carlsberg and things like, you know, they're not really beers from the world, are they?

00:58:13 Speaker_09
They're just out of any fridge that you go to in any office.

00:58:15 Speaker_11
They're all made in the UK.

00:58:16 Speaker_09
They're all made in the UK.

00:58:18 Speaker_10
Shout out Northampton.

00:58:19 Speaker_09
Yeah, but I will try any, I do like, I got, someone bought me a banana stout once. It was fucking horrific. But it was 16%. Wow. Yeah. Banana? And I don't know what it was, I just couldn't work out. It was like only a hint of nana in it really.

00:58:39 Speaker_09
And it was thick black. you know, but I got rid of it. I thought, I've committed now. But yeah, I was off to be fucking nuts afterwards. I mean, I got rid of it quick and it really, I thought, oh fuck it, you can't be 17%.

00:58:52 Speaker_09
That's more than a bottle of wine. It was only a can. So never again. I mean, I wouldn't, I will try things.

00:58:59 Speaker_11
I've tried those things every time. We get like a box of stuff where it's like different beers. And there's one like that's 15% or whatever. I'm like, that's interesting. I'll have a go on that and then two sips straight down the sink.

00:59:11 Speaker_09
Yeah, I can't bring myself to do that.

00:59:13 Speaker_11
It's like pouring Marmite down the sink. It's just like so thick.

00:59:16 Speaker_09
It's thick, yeah. If it was 2%, yeah, you're right, I'd ding it. Because it's a naughty thing that's never really been made before, you go, well, I've got to fucking drink this. But why Narnia?

00:59:27 Speaker_09
you know, why would you get involved with the nana side of it? That was wrong, that was.

00:59:32 Speaker_09
So, I like trying shit like that, anywhere I go really, I will try any sort of beer or, and I don't mind craft ales, you know, I'll try a bit of that, you know, the warmer ones, the ones with no fizz in them confuse me in all years.

00:59:45 Speaker_09
They go down easier though.

00:59:46 Speaker_11
But it is always confusing when, if you're used to drinking lager and stuff like that, when you have a sip of that and your mouth's ready for the fizz, it's just weird when it's warm, flat.

00:59:56 Speaker_09
There's no head on it either and you'll be like, but I will try, I will try shit. Listen, I will eat fucking anything and I will drink anything other than pesto and couscous. So my worst nightmare is pesto flavoured couscous. Yeah, obviously.

01:00:11 Speaker_09
What do you not like about pesto couscous? I don't know. I think I like all the things that make pesto, which is some sort of nut, is it? What is it? Pine nuts. Parsley? No. Basil. Basil. A bit of garlic, a bit of oil. And cheese, parmesan cheese.

01:00:25 Speaker_09
I love all them things, but I don't like it together. Sure. I think I had a shit risotto once, and I'll tell you where it was, it was the Almeida Theatre. Yeah, and I thought, this is awful.

01:00:37 Speaker_09
And so I've never been able to go... I'll probably be all right of it now, actually. And couscous, it's like a mouthful of air. It's got no substance, texture. I just don't like it. I don't like the look of it. It's just... The fuck is it?

01:00:50 Speaker_09
It's not rice, is it? It's not pasta. It's not taters. It's just little balls of just fucking nothingness. And I just think, no, not for me. Not for me. It goes really well with lamb, I find.

01:01:04 Speaker_09
Yeah, actually, to be fair, it does go really well with delicious lamb. Well, if someone had done it, I mean, I'd have a mouthful, you know, out of respect, but there's no way in the world I'd go out of my way for fucking couscous. No.

01:01:14 Speaker_09
So other than that, I would eat fucking anything. And I've tried everything, you know, tuna spunk. That was a revelation to me. In Sicily, it's a, you know, like, what's the word, like a... Delicacy. Delicacy. But it is just tuna spunk.

01:01:27 Speaker_09
And it looks like brain as well, so it's not very... So I had a bang on that, and... It was alright. Better than pesto. Yeah, better than pesto.

01:01:40 Speaker_00
Hi, this is Christopher Kimball from Milk Street Radio. I often shop at Whole Foods markets since they sell the kind of food I like. Organic vegetables, a great meat counter and of course a great staff.

01:01:50 Speaker_00
For Thanksgiving, Whole Foods offers brined turkeys as well as a spiral cut bone-in ham. The Whole Foods Market Bakery has a large assortment of pies, even a vegan pumpkin pie. Or grab some brioche and butterflake rolls for the table as well.

01:02:05 Speaker_00
Or you can ask the Whole Foods team to cater your meal for you, including the bird, the sides, and desserts. Get your holiday party started at Whole Foods Market.

01:02:14 Speaker_06
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01:02:22 Speaker_06
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01:02:49 Speaker_10
We arrive at your dream dessert, Danny. Well, tuna spunk?

01:02:54 Speaker_09
Um, yeah, maybe. Bit of sugar on it, maybe. Well, I've gone for something, again, going back to my youth, because I think food's a lot to do with nostalgia, and it would have to be a Wimpy's Knickerbocker Glory. Lovely.

01:03:07 Speaker_09
Something that I could never, ever attain as a child. Yeah. And, you know, on rare occasions at my mother, you know, single parent, I get it.

01:03:14 Speaker_09
It was allowed in Wimpy, and we felt posh because you had a fucking, it wasn't like McDonald's, you've got a plate and a fucking knife and fork in there. We'd only be able to have a burger and chips if we were lucky, or just a burger.

01:03:23 Speaker_09
But I would look at people in there that had got the knickerbocker glory and thought, fucking hell, what a life you lead. I mean, I can't imagine, you know. I bet they were being driven in Bentleys.

01:03:33 Speaker_09
It was aspirational again, like the sparkling water in a way. Yeah, it is. So, and a big fuck off thing, you know, just so many ingredients. It just looks so appealing and just, just so lovely.

01:03:46 Speaker_09
And so I think the idea of being allowed, I have as many as I want now. I haven't been in Wimpy in ages, and there's one near me in Loughton.

01:03:52 Speaker_11
I didn't know they were still going.

01:03:54 Speaker_09
The I and the M doesn't work on the light, which is always a worry, and they've not replaced the bulbs in there. Yeah. You can tell it's hanging on for fucking dear life, this Wimpy, but it's still about, but there's a bus stop just outside it as well.

01:04:07 Speaker_09
So that means when I go in, there's going to be people that are going to recognise me. So that's Ag, watching me through the window eating me knickerbocker glory on me own. So do you go in there? I've had to deliver food from there.

01:04:18 Speaker_09
But I feel like I should go in there. Because they still look the same, didn't they? They've still got the bollocky little sort of bonkette bits. It's something about a Wimpy. I think they do a fucking good chip. Better than McDonald's chips now.

01:04:30 Speaker_09
You have to buy salt now, didn't you, with your McDonald's chips? Because you're going, oh, no, no, we'll look after you. You know, we know, we won't put any salt, but you can have six sachets to buy it, if you want.

01:04:42 Speaker_09
And just staying on the McDonald's vibe, that Mega Mac. I mean, fucking hell, yeah.

01:04:48 Speaker_11
Talking through the Mega Mac.

01:04:50 Speaker_09
I think it's three Big Macs at once. Now, usually when I get a McDonald's, I like to get a burger starter. Then a Big Mac meal. Just a regular one, I won't go with crackers. And maybe six nuggets. And if I fancy it, a nice apple pie.

01:05:06 Speaker_09
Because you need to let the apple pie sit, don't you, for a bit. Because it's a tall. It's hot. So I will start with a burger.

01:05:14 Speaker_11
Like a cheeseburger?

01:05:15 Speaker_09
You know, I just like pick it up and smell the bun, it still smells the same from the 80s. So I have had, just because I've got the Mega Mac. But it also comes with a slice of bacon if you want it.

01:05:30 Speaker_09
So I refuse the bacon because, you know, you've got to look after your heart. So what I'm saying is, if I get the Mega Mac meal, I won't start with a burger. Because then I'm eating sort of seven burgers at once.

01:05:43 Speaker_09
Which is frightening if you think about it. So I'll just go straight Mega Mac large meal.

01:05:48 Speaker_11
Just a simple Mega Mac.

01:05:49 Speaker_09
And it does work. If you're into that sauce, because that, You know, that Big Mac sauce is a fucking thing. And during lockdown, I'd try to make one, because we all had a birthday in lockdown, didn't we?

01:06:00 Speaker_09
It was a fucking depressing sort of birthday where you cry. And my child had a 13th. Bless us a big'un. And all he was allowed to do was walk through the woods once a day.

01:06:10 Speaker_09
So I tried to make her a Big Mac, and I fucked it up because I just couldn't get the buns. You can't get the buns anywhere. So I was chopping up buns, I couldn't, you know, because there's buns within the buns and all that sort of stuff.

01:06:20 Speaker_09
But the sauce, which I googled, I made it, but I didn't read it to the end. You've got to leave it in the fridge for two hours, and then it tastes like the sauce. What the fuck? So whatever you're doing, it needs to sort of stew a bit. And so I learnt.

01:06:34 Speaker_09
So anyway, that's bollocks, it's fine anyway. But then I did it again, just because I needed to see. And then after I'd left it in the fridge two hours, it was Big Mac sauce. Amazing. Wow. Anyway, she was so depressed that day, that poor kid.

01:06:44 Speaker_09
I was sort of trying to get through this fucking old thing that I'd made her. So I was a bit down and all, because, you know, I hadn't pulled it out of the bag.

01:06:53 Speaker_09
And then we brought out an old Colin the Caterpillar, because all you could get, you know, candles on it. No, no, fucking Matt Morrison's. You know, it's just one of those, we all had it. We all experienced it. Yeah, for sure.

01:07:06 Speaker_09
You know, just that, you know, and so, so I did try to try to be a good dad that day. She still reminds me of it and stuff. But so, yeah, I think, I think for me, McDonald's was open though, right?

01:07:16 Speaker_09
No, no, there was a thing when it was allowed to be opened again. It was all over, everyone went crackers. But then you go, oh, what a touch. And then you go to the drive-thru and it'd be three miles long. Yeah, yeah, sure.

01:07:27 Speaker_09
And you go, should we sit in it? Yeah, no, actually, it's worth it. We will sit in this car for three hours. You know what I mean? And then you go and spend, because I'm caked, 80 quid on McDonald's. Just get every burger, just get, you know, 18 fries.

01:07:38 Speaker_09
You're ordering it for the whole queue. Yeah, we sat there for three fucking hours, didn't you? But I remember it was a thing, it come out, and you know, oh, go on, McDonald's is going to be open.

01:07:44 Speaker_09
You know, it doesn't matter that the world's dying, McDonald's is finally fucking open.

01:07:49 Speaker_09
So, you know, Wimpy, Wimpy really is a classier affair, but that knickerbocker glory in there, and, you know, talking like this, quite openly and frankly about it makes me want to... slip in there to see if they still have it.

01:08:01 Speaker_09
They also used to do a banana split that came in a dish that was shaped like a nana. And that was fascinating to me. I was never going to be able to go, well that must have been the most expensive thing on the fucking thing.

01:08:13 Speaker_09
And they'd cut it in half and then I'd see that they'd put ice cream on it and then cream.

01:08:17 Speaker_11
And then the cream on the top.

01:08:18 Speaker_09
Again, me just looking at the other kids, you know, like fucking Oliver Twist. I had a good childhood, by the way. I'm not digging my mother out, but we was skint. Banana splits, man. It's a mad munch that, isn't it, banana?

01:08:31 Speaker_10
Yeah, yeah. The first time I've had a banana split, I can't remember. I was there with my cousins. I remember that. and didn't know a banana split was a thing. We all ordered them and they were humongous. Yeah, huge.

01:08:44 Speaker_11
Yeah.

01:08:44 Speaker_10
I've never had one like it since. All the ones like, but like this one had like multiple bananas either side. It was like, they were, they were like, you know, when the adults, when you're a kid and the adults go, you're not going to finish that. Yeah.

01:08:54 Speaker_10
And then you do, and you're polishing off other people's. Yeah. It was so good. Wow.

01:08:59 Speaker_11
That, that meant that meal. That sort of like, yeah.

01:09:02 Speaker_09
I loved it. Filth in it. Yeah. But there's, there's some sort of nourishment in there. Bit of potassium in there.

01:09:07 Speaker_10
Yeah, it's potassium and they can't get you on that.

01:09:08 Speaker_09
That's what I'm saying.

01:09:09 Speaker_10
That's free.

01:09:09 Speaker_09
It's one of your five a day. So I'm assuming there's something good in that nickel bottle of glory somewhere. So, so yeah, I think I'll just finish off my meal with a fucking nickel bottle of glory.

01:09:19 Speaker_11
Do they bring it with a long spoon?

01:09:21 Speaker_09
Yeah. I love the long spoon. Yeah, big, big naughty. Got to get to the bottom.

01:09:24 Speaker_11
It's the only thing that that long spoon's used for.

01:09:27 Speaker_09
It must be. Yeah. It must be. You know what I mean? But it's rare to get through it. I mean, there's a lot of fucking, and you want it because you look at the bottom of it and the bottom is probably the best. So there's like fudge in the bottom.

01:09:39 Speaker_09
And as you're fucking about with it, you're mixing it all together. But you're just, you're so fucked by the time you get there. You just. You know, you need to give it to someone else, unfortunately.

01:09:49 Speaker_10
I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Danny, say how you feel about it. Go on then. You would like chilled sparkling water. You would like poppadoms with all the dips, no salad. Start a prawn cocktail with some crab sticks to dip in the mirrors.

01:10:01 Speaker_10
And lobster in the prawn cocktail. And some lobster in the prawn cocktail. Classy. Main course, a whole leg of roast lamb with all the trimmings. Side dish, chip shop chips with curry sauce and a paper fork.

01:10:11 Speaker_10
Drink, you would like an ice cold lager from the garage around the corner. Dessert, you would like a wimpy knickerbocker glory.

01:10:18 Speaker_09
You're smiling! It's giving me a lazy lob on. Just you reading that back to me.

01:10:23 Speaker_10
That's all we want for our guests. You do seem genuinely happy hearing that back, which is lovely.

01:10:29 Speaker_09
It's a good day, you know what I mean? So I'm happy with that, yeah.

01:10:33 Speaker_11
Do you want to enjoy that meal with your family around the table, everyone ignoring each other?

01:10:36 Speaker_09
No, no. So, my ideal environment in this restaurant would be, and I know this is odd, sitting in front of a telly. And I'll tell you what I like to watch. I like to watch either Nigel Slater,

01:10:50 Speaker_09
Tom Kerridge, he's got a... I like watching people fucking James Martin fucking about in France. You know, like the preparing of food. There's something in that for me. I like watching these shows. I think Jamie Oliver did one about air fryers.

01:11:07 Speaker_09
You know, eating grub while watching him fucking about with an air fryer. It really appetises me. But then, weirdly, when I've ate it, I turn it off quick. It's like when you're watching porn.

01:11:21 Speaker_09
And as soon as you've shot your bolt, you think, oh, that's disgusting. You're sort of disgusted within yourself. You go, I'll never watch that again, ever. It's that moment after the last mouth was gone, I go, get this shit off.

01:11:33 Speaker_09
So that was what I ideally would like to go to this restaurant on my own, in front of a nice little telly, and a bit of, what's his name, a bit of Keith Floyd on. He's the ultimate.

01:11:43 Speaker_09
He was good when he hit me, you know, fucking hell, you know, he was pissed up while he was doing it, you know. A bottle of wine, yeah, fucking about, you know. So yeah, that's my way. You know, I do like doing that. Lovely.

01:11:55 Speaker_09
I don't want to watch, I don't want to watch like Killing Eve. I want to watch people preparing fucking food.

01:12:00 Speaker_11
And as soon as we can do it for you in the dream restaurant, where as soon as you've swallowed the last mouthful, the telly just goes off.

01:12:04 Speaker_09
It just goes off.

01:12:06 Speaker_11
Yeah. Yeah.

01:12:06 Speaker_10
Yeah. Sure. You can feel disgusted with yourself in another way.

01:12:13 Speaker_11
Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Danny. God bless you both. Thank you, Danny.

01:12:21 Speaker_10
Fantastic. Fantastic menu. Genuinely one of the happiest I've seen someone look when we've read their menu back to them. Delighted. And I think we got a lot more than we bargained for. So many details about Danny's life.

01:12:36 Speaker_11
Yeah, absolutely love that episode. Crucially, with my ropey voice, didn't have to say a lot.

01:12:42 Speaker_10
didn't have to say much. I mean, you know, if people are wondering if Ed was edited out because he kept chiming in with controversial opinions, that did not happen.

01:12:51 Speaker_11
Didn't happen. Didn't didn't need to say anything. You basically just says what you want next.

01:12:56 Speaker_10
I said dream dessert, dream starter. Not in that order. But like, that's all I had to do.

01:13:01 Speaker_11
Thank you so much, Danny, for making our job easy. Fantastic episode. Don't forget to watch Rivals on Disney+. That is out now. Go watch it. It sounds brilliant. And he didn't say pig's feet. He didn't say pig's feet.

01:13:13 Speaker_10
He didn't mention trotters. He's used the word trotters. On holiday as well. And just for the listener, just so you know, I think we were both poised to bring up the David Cameron thing after he said that, but

01:13:25 Speaker_10
by the time there was a gap he had moved on to a whole other topic entirely I thought it's gonna be ridiculous if I say hey you know earlier on you said you're on holiday with your trotters up yes isn't that a bit like when you said David Cameron went on holiday he had his trotters up I was like it's irrelevant now yeah so we left it but he may have mentioned trotters but they weren't on his menu so

01:13:48 Speaker_11
Also, I do want to make that clear to people. Someone can mention secret ingredient.

01:13:52 Speaker_10
Yes.

01:13:53 Speaker_11
As long as it's not on their menu, then we don't kick them out. People are still confused over this.

01:13:57 Speaker_10
Yeah. So, I mean, you know, Ed is on the socials and poor guy. I've abandoned him on there. I'll leave him on there high and dry on his own. He gets all of the shit.

01:14:09 Speaker_11
Actually, Benito gets most of it, I think.

01:14:11 Speaker_10
And long may that continue. but Ed gets more than he deserves.

01:14:16 Speaker_11
Don't forget to message Benito saying I would like a signed chopping board, he'll have to send you one.

01:14:20 Speaker_10
Yeah, so message Benito and say, dear great Benito, if a guest says the secret ingredient but doesn't put it on their menu, that means they are still allowed to stay in the restaurant.

01:14:31 Speaker_10
I have understood the rule, please may I have a signed chopping board?

01:14:35 Speaker_11
Benito's cutting all this. Is he? Why would he do it? It's funny. And don't forget, of course, I am back out on tour doing Hot Diggity Dog.

01:14:42 Speaker_10
Yes!

01:14:42 Speaker_11
Going all over the place from the end of September right through to the end of November, including a big show at the London Palladium on November 23rd. So come along to that.

01:14:52 Speaker_11
And if you want to come and see me film a new special, I will be in Salford at the Salford Lowry doing Two Nights in January. Come along and watch me do that.

01:15:02 Speaker_11
It's going to be a sort of mix between this show and the last show, a few extra bits thrown in. I'm very excited about it. Come along if you want to be part of comedy history.

01:15:11 Speaker_10
And listen, that's special stuff, because I don't know if people are aware, but very few comics just do back-to-back, one year after the other, two completely different shows. Both amazing shows, both hilarious.

01:15:23 Speaker_10
This guy is going to take the best of each of those, put them in one special, and film it in one of the country's best venues. You've got to get to that. I'm excited for you. Ed.

01:15:33 Speaker_11
Thank you, James. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Many Podcast. We will see you again next week. Bye-bye. Goodbye.

01:15:52 Speaker_01
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01:16:51 Speaker_04
That's 1-800-Flowers.com slash ACAST.

01:16:59 Speaker_08
Hello, my name's Sarah Pascoe. Guess what? I've been on Off Menu a while back. Can't remember what I said. Vegan butter, I think. Anyway, I'm now going on tour with a new show. It's called I Am a Strange Gloop. The tour starts in June 2025.

01:17:13 Speaker_08
Come and join me. I might talk about food, if that's what you need. Bread or poppadoms, I'll shout. Stealing content of Off Menu. I will probably talk about other things as well, and I might not shout bread or poppadoms.

01:17:24 Speaker_08
Tickets are on sale now at sarahpascoe.co.uk.