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Episode: Ep 261: Natalie Cassidy

Author: Plosive
Duration: 01:02:56

Episode Shownotes

‘EastEnders’ (and ‘Springleaf: The Audio Sitcom’) star Natalie Cassidy is this week’s dream diner. And maybe James is getting a part in the soap opera? Natalie podcast ‘Life with Nat’ is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Listen here. Follow Natalie on Instagram @natcass1 and Twitter @nat_cassidy Recorded and

edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_01
Benito, James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special, Hitler's Welcome, which is going to be on Sky, NOW TV and HBO Max. It's on all of those, like, right now. I'm very proud of it.

00:00:19 Speaker_01
Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out, please? Because I'd like them to know. OK, I hope you're having a good day, Benito. Bye.

00:00:43 Speaker_02
Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the calves liver of conversation. The bacon of friendship. The mashed potato of chat. And pouring over the onion gravy of the internet, James. I think I'm just thinking about things I'd like to eat.

00:00:57 Speaker_02
That's not a particular dish. As you were saying that, I was like, is this a dish? I don't know. Yeah, it carves liver and bacon with onion gravy and mashed potato. Lovely. It does sound lovely. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster.

00:01:07 Speaker_02
We own a dream restaurant together. Every single week we invite in a guest to be asked their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is... Natalie Cassidy!

00:01:18 Speaker_02
Natalie Cassidy, of course, James, a wonderful actor. She's been in EastEnders for many years. Yes, she was in my Springleaf audio sitcom. Playing the iconic Sonia Fowler, and also she was in Springleaf, your audio sitcom.

00:01:33 Speaker_02
Yes, she played an excellent gangster. Yes, she did. I was beyond honoured to have Natalie on that podcast. And we can't wait to chat to Natalie about her dream meal, James. Yes, very exciting. I have no idea what Nat is going to pick.

00:01:46 Speaker_02
We didn't really talk about food when we were doing Springleaf, the audio sitcom. Yes, Springleaf, the audio sitcom, which is available as a podcast, of course. And Natalie has her own podcast, Life With Nat, which she records.

00:01:58 Speaker_02
I mean, she's going to tell us all about it. Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of familiar faces from her life. Yes, I think so. She records it at home. Very exciting to chat to her about that and her dream meal.

00:02:10 Speaker_02
But if she picks a secret ingredient which we have pre-agreed upon, and that Benito suggested this week, then she will be removed from the dream recipe. Benito suggested this, so don't come at us.

00:02:21 Speaker_02
Come at Benito and he will send you a signed chopping board. Saying sorry. Saying sorry. I'm Benito. And the secret ingredient this week is Guinea Fowler. Guinea Fowl. Guinea Fowl. Er, Fowler. Sonia Fowler. Yes. Yeah. Benito suggested that.

00:02:37 Speaker_02
Natalie's character is called Sonia Fowler. Yes. So Benito said we should do Guinea Fowl, because it's like Guinea Fowler. Yeah. And Ed was like, we're not doing that. And Benito went, are you serious?

00:02:51 Speaker_02
Was his response so to make a point we are doing that and also we couldn't think of anything else We couldn't think of anything else. So we're doing guinea fowler. I like the guinea fowler.

00:02:59 Speaker_02
I've had I think I've had it a couple of times Yeah, I think I must have had it a couple of times. So we're not choosing because we don't like it No, but it's because it's got such a strong link to Natalie because Sonia Fowler guinea fowler Yeah. Yeah.

00:03:14 Speaker_02
It's very, I mean, you know, you can't think of Sonya Fowler without thinking of Guinea Fowler. So that's why we've gone for it. And it's also, it's a proper slap up East End dish. Yeah. So hopefully she doesn't say Guinea Fowler-er. Hopefully. Yeah.

00:03:26 Speaker_02
Are we going to hold her to, if she says Guinea Fowler, are we going to let her get away with it? No, I'm still going to kick her out. You're going to kick her out for Guinea Fowler. Yeah. Even though she's not said er.

00:03:34 Speaker_02
If she says Guinea Fowler, I'm going to shout er very loud and then go get out. Yeah. Well, I'm looking forward to meeting her. I've never met her before, James. I have. We were recording Springleaf, the audio sitcom. Oh, dear.

00:03:46 Speaker_02
Available wherever you get your podcasts. This is the off-menu menu of Natalie Cassidy. Welcome, Natalie, to the Dream Restaurant.

00:04:01 Speaker_00
Thank you for having me.

00:04:02 Speaker_02
Kaboom! Welcome, Natalie Cassidy, to the Dream Restaurant. Been expecting you for some time. Kaboom. I've just eaten a salad that had more garlic mayo on it than I was anticipating.

00:04:12 Speaker_02
So I didn't want to do my normal noise, which would be to make an explosion noise that kind of could just like end up spraying you with... Garlic alioli. Yeah. Yeah, you've got to avoid that. But that's the first time you've not done the noise.

00:04:25 Speaker_02
Yeah, I was just very self-conscious about all the garlic. But the first time ever he's not demonised. Yeah, this is a huge moment in Off Menu history. You're the first Kaboom. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

00:04:34 Speaker_00
People are going to hate me, aren't they?

00:04:35 Speaker_02
No, no, no, no, no. They'll know it's a special episode.

00:04:38 Speaker_00
They're creatures of habit.

00:04:39 Speaker_02
Yeah, but I think... I think Kaboom feels like a good fresh new format point.

00:04:43 Speaker_00
Okay. Yeah, yeah.

00:04:44 Speaker_02
They'll like Kaboom. They'll like Kaboom, definitely. And also I want to point out, it was advertised as a chilli chicken salad. I was expecting a chilli sauce, so I didn't deliberately have the garlic. I didn't do that deliberately.

00:05:00 Speaker_00
What was that?

00:05:03 Speaker_02
Don't deliberately have the garlic. There you go, second time you absolutely nailed it. Where would you put garlic in your worst smells for other people to have?

00:05:14 Speaker_00
I think, that's a hard one, garlic, because I love garlic but garlic doesn't love me. I am someone I wake up and I stink of it. Can't get it off. Brushed teeth a few times even the evening before, very aware of how it's going to be in the morning.

00:05:29 Speaker_02
Yeah, it's not just out the mouth though, is it, garlic, when you wake up? It's out the skin, it's out the whole body. It's out the pores.

00:05:37 Speaker_00
Red onion's not good either, is it?

00:05:38 Speaker_02
I'm alright with red... I mean, to be honest, I just eat raw red onion quite a lot.

00:05:43 Speaker_00
Wow.

00:05:44 Speaker_02
I just don't think I care about...

00:05:45 Speaker_00
What, like an apple, like the Grinch?

00:05:47 Speaker_02
Yeah, like the Grinch. Exactly. I live like the Grinch at home.

00:05:49 Speaker_00
Right, OK.

00:05:50 Speaker_02
Yeah. Terrible Christmases at my house. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you've instantly done something that Ed loves, which is say that you stink. He loves it when everyone says that they stink or something stank. Yeah.

00:06:02 Speaker_00
OK, cool.

00:06:03 Speaker_02
I love the word stink. Yeah, he loves it when people say that they stink.

00:06:07 Speaker_00
I don't stink all the time. For instance, today I smell quite nice.

00:06:12 Speaker_02
Yeah, you smell nice today.

00:06:13 Speaker_00
But if I'd had a huge pot of Alioli, Alioli, perhaps... I don't know what you're talking about.

00:06:20 Speaker_02
I don't know what that is. You didn't trail off towards the end of the word, so James doesn't understand it. No, no, it's an infinite word. People don't know that. You decide when to stop, but that was a bit short. Yeah. That was a bit too short, that one.

00:06:32 Speaker_02
We've got stuff to talk about. Yeah, yeah. Are you a foodie?

00:06:35 Speaker_00
Yes, very much so. I love my food.

00:06:37 Speaker_02
Look, obviously people expect us to ask you what you what you eat on the square.

00:06:42 Speaker_00
Oh, yeah. Not much, really. We find it quite difficult because when you're doing lots of scenes and you've got a lot of food involved, if things can, you know, if you forget a line or whatever, you have to go back to the top.

00:06:53 Speaker_00
So you don't want to eat a lot. Then you're setting yourself up for eight times that. You know what I mean? So you'll see a lot of sipping, a lot of fork holding, not loads of eating.

00:07:04 Speaker_02
Is that why everyone's so angry? Because they're not eating properly?

00:07:06 Speaker_00
Oh, we eat off set, OK, you know. You sure? Yeah, yeah.

00:07:09 Speaker_02
Some of those people seem very angry.

00:07:11 Speaker_00
They're very depressed and very angry sometimes.

00:07:13 Speaker_02
That's about other issues though, I think. I don't think it's hangar a lot of the time.

00:07:16 Speaker_00
No, it's usually affairs, murders, that sort of thing.

00:07:19 Speaker_02
They should do a hangry storyline.

00:07:21 Speaker_00
Hangry?

00:07:22 Speaker_02
Yeah, they haven't done a hangry storyline yet, if it's always affairs and murders. But like, they could do a hangry one where that's the reason the person's angry, they haven't eaten in a while.

00:07:30 Speaker_00
A few years ago, I have to say a few years ago, Denise Fox was quite poor and she was found eating, you know, picking stuff out of a bin, food-wise. So it's not really hanger, but it was kind of a food-led story.

00:07:46 Speaker_02
Was her character angry as well?

00:07:48 Speaker_00
I think she was quite angry that she was so poor.

00:07:51 Speaker_02
So yeah, I'm afraid they've already done it. I'd love that if that was a duff-duff at the end of an episode. If someone was really hungry and then their Deliveroo arrived and they brought the wrong one.

00:08:02 Speaker_00
Like Phil Mitchell, Deliveroo turns up and he smashes the guy's face in because it's the wrong burger.

00:08:09 Speaker_02
And that's his cube off his back, throws it across the square. But the guy's got his helmet on still. And then he takes his helmet off. Grant Mitchell. That'll be a great return for Ross Kemp. Yeah, what a return. He's the delivery man.

00:08:23 Speaker_02
You're no stranger to podcasts, you have your own podcast.

00:08:25 Speaker_00
I do.

00:08:26 Speaker_02
And you say you've got a studio at home?

00:08:28 Speaker_00
Yeah, yeah, I've done a little table and a little set up and one of those little roadcasters, it's all very posh.

00:08:38 Speaker_02
I'd love to have you in a little cupboard at home to get you out and be on it all the time. That'd be brilliant if you want to come over. I think you'd be really good to have in a little cupboard, genuinely.

00:08:53 Speaker_00
Get James out, make you laugh. I'd love that. It's so good.

00:08:56 Speaker_02
Or just make you feel better because you're sad a lot of the time. Ed knows me better, I guess. Nat and I have worked together a few times, but like, you know, maybe not to the extent where I've shown her how sad I am.

00:09:07 Speaker_00
No, no, I've not really seen you sad. I'm pleased about that. Maybe I'll keep this distance and just see you once every six months.

00:09:13 Speaker_02
You'd have to knock on the cupboard and if it's one knock he's happy, you can get him out, and if it's two knocks you leave him in the cupboard. Yeah.

00:09:19 Speaker_00
That's a good game.

00:09:20 Speaker_02
I can be sad sometimes.

00:09:25 Speaker_00
He'd hear me rustling around or hear a conversation where I've been out for garlic and he'd always do two knocks and come out of the cupboard and start me stinking.

00:09:33 Speaker_02
Yeah I was like, she's gonna stink.

00:09:35 Speaker_00
I'm staying in.

00:09:36 Speaker_02
I'm keeping the door shut, she's gonna stink. Tell us a bit about your podcast, Life of Nat, right?

00:09:41 Speaker_00
Yeah, Life of Nat.

00:09:42 Speaker_00
So it's just me talking to my family, I talk to my other half, I talk to my kids, I talk to nieces, sister-in-law, and we just chat about life in general, things that aggravate people, queuing, you know, traffic, socks that get lost in the washing machine, and stuff, you know, mum guilt, and I have people on,

00:10:03 Speaker_00
I've only been doing it now for about nearly three months, so it's really, really early days. But I've got a lovely little community already and people really like it.

00:10:11 Speaker_00
I've got a WhatsApp number, so people message me, which is getting quite a lot now, because I'm doing it all myself. So yeah, I'm responding to it.

00:10:19 Speaker_02
Your listeners can WhatsApp you and you respond to them?

00:10:21 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:10:22 Speaker_02
What?

00:10:24 Speaker_00
Yeah, I don't do it, you know, obviously I go through it's a bit like pinball because you can't.

00:10:29 Speaker_02
Yeah, you're not looking at all of them.

00:10:31 Speaker_00
What am I thinking of? Roulette, sorry, not pinball. Can't look at all of them all the time because that's all I'd be doing. But I find some really good people and then I'll get them on the show for a Zoom.

00:10:40 Speaker_00
I have them on to talk about stuff if they've got a good story.

00:10:43 Speaker_02
What's mum guilt?

00:10:44 Speaker_00
Mum guilt is where you have children and no matter where you are, you feel like you're doing the wrong thing.

00:10:50 Speaker_02
Do you feel like you're doing the wrong thing right now?

00:10:52 Speaker_00
No, not really, because I'm quite excited about this.

00:10:54 Speaker_02
Yeah, she's excited.

00:10:55 Speaker_00
But you know, just in general. They're at school. Yeah, if you're having fun. They're just fitting everything in. The time it takes to fit everything in. Have you got kids?

00:11:03 Speaker_01
No, never. Never going to happen.

00:11:05 Speaker_00
No? No kids for you? No, no plans. No, it's good. Well done. Yeah, thanks. It's a really good choice. Yeah.

00:11:10 Speaker_01
It's really good.

00:11:11 Speaker_00
I love my kids, but it's fucking hard work. Yes.

00:11:13 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah. I don't doubt it for a second.

00:11:14 Speaker_00
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:15 Speaker_02
It's the right choice. Maybe we will need guests on our podcast at one point and if we run out of guests, we'll have kids so that we can get them on like you've done. That's a smart move.

00:11:24 Speaker_00
It is, but I think to actually ruin your life and have kids for the rest of your life and that responsibility, which obviously I don't think either of you are capable of, it's probably best to just get other people's kids on.

00:11:33 Speaker_02
Oh yeah, your kids could come on this podcast. A friend of mine, or a friend of the podcast, John Kearns, suggested to us this week that we do kids episodes.

00:11:42 Speaker_00
I think it would be really good. And I think if you did, you'd have to have my Joanie on. She's seven and she's actually hilarious.

00:11:48 Speaker_02
Is Joanie a foodie? Does she know her stuff?

00:11:50 Speaker_00
Joanie likes food. She's got quite fussy of late, which is really annoying. They kind of just change their minds.

00:11:57 Speaker_04
Yeah.

00:11:57 Speaker_00
You know, you can make a really nice lasagna and she'll just go, don't like that now. You go, what are you talking about? I've spent four hours making it and you're going to eat it. Otherwise I'm going to kill you.

00:12:08 Speaker_03
We'll start with Stella's sparkling water.

00:12:10 Speaker_00
I'm going to go sparkling, please. Can I have a slice of lime in it, please?

00:12:14 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah. A slice or a wedge? Oh, no, wedge. Wedge.

00:12:18 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:12:18 Speaker_02
Are you picking the wedge out and squeezing the lime into the water, or are you just leaving it bobbing around?

00:12:22 Speaker_00
No, I'm leaving it bobbing around.

00:12:23 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:12:24 Speaker_00
It's depending on what I'm eating next, you know what I mean? I don't want too much lime in there. But I do love a fizzy... It's got to be a very, very fizzy water. You know, some are awful, so you need a Sampoli.

00:12:33 Speaker_02
San Pelle all the way.

00:12:35 Speaker_00
Yeah, although the lid when you've got that at home is really annoying because it doesn't screw on, does it, anymore. Once it's open, it's finito. So I need to do the 1.5.

00:12:44 Speaker_02
Does it? I don't know about this lid. Yeah, it's not the strongest of lids.

00:12:48 Speaker_00
It's not the strongest of lids. Once it's open, it's open.

00:12:50 Speaker_02
Oh, well, that's no good.

00:12:51 Speaker_00
Well, it is if you're really thirsty and you're going to use it all, but it is quite annoying if you're going to waste it because obviously the next day, that's it. It's over, isn't it?

00:12:59 Speaker_02
Yeah, it's over and done with. It's flat.

00:13:00 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:13:01 Speaker_02
I quite like flat sparkling water, though.

00:13:03 Speaker_00
Like a soda water?

00:13:04 Speaker_02
Like a soda water, but leaving it to go flat. Because it tastes different. We've mentioned it on the podcast before, I don't know why, that when you leave sparkling water to go flat, it should just taste like still water, shouldn't it?

00:13:15 Speaker_02
But it doesn't, it's got its own flavour.

00:13:16 Speaker_00
Yeah, I don't like that.

00:13:18 Speaker_02
What do you think of Ed, that he likes it? What do you think of Ed now?

00:13:22 Speaker_00
I'm wondering how You got there, and I'm wondering if you had a pint of sparkling water next to your bed that went flat and then had it and liked it. Do you remember how that happened?

00:13:31 Speaker_02
You know what, it might have been maybe in a hotel or something on tour, where you go into a hotel and there might be a bottle of still and a bottle of sparkling.

00:13:39 Speaker_02
I'm drinking the still first of all, and then I might get back later and be like, I'm going to have some water and it's sparkling, couple of sips, oh I can't have sparkling before bed.

00:13:47 Speaker_02
Pop it on the bedside table, wake up in the morning, oh I need some water, hello. That's him saying hello to the water. Not to like the cleaner or someone who's coming, the hotel manager.

00:13:58 Speaker_02
And I would, knowing me, I would say hello to the water out loud if I was by myself.

00:14:02 Speaker_00
Yeah, I say hello to inanimate objects quite a lot of the time.

00:14:05 Speaker_02
Yeah?

00:14:06 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:14:06 Speaker_02
Can you remember some inanimate objects you said hello to?

00:14:09 Speaker_00
I like to do it, if I've got coats on the banister, I'll talk to them, I'll go, right, come on, time to get you away.

00:14:16 Speaker_03
Time to get you away. I love that.

00:14:17 Speaker_00
Because they're on the banister, so let's get them in the cupboard, I go, come on now, let's get you away.

00:14:22 Speaker_02
Stop hanging out on the banister. You've had your fun.

00:14:24 Speaker_00
Yep, you've been out for long enough. You've had your air in. Get back in the cupboard.

00:14:27 Speaker_02
That's good. I'm trying to think if I speak to any animal objects. Yeah, we do need to hear that. You've got four cats though, so I think you get a lot of your talking out. Have you? Four?

00:14:37 Speaker_00
How lovely.

00:14:38 Speaker_02
I had a friend's day for five days recently and that made me realise how often I say hello to the cats. It's every time I see them.

00:14:46 Speaker_02
I say hello to them individually by name and I realized how much it was not annoying my friend but like how he must think I'm just bonkers yeah I'm just constantly saying hello to them that's what children do to parents yeah so I won't really say hello Eliza every time I see her or hello Joanie I don't do that but they go mum mum mum mum

00:15:07 Speaker_02
mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum

00:15:28 Speaker_02
No, it's alright. That's the poppadoms or bread bit, isn't it? You've got to cut people off. I was trying to make Natalie jump, it didn't work. Yeah.

00:15:35 Speaker_00
I did have a slight jump.

00:15:36 Speaker_02
Did you?

00:15:37 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:15:37 Speaker_02
From where I was sitting, you were absolutely stone cold. Just like, not letting that phase you at all. The jumping must have happened maybe in your feet or something that we can't see. Yeah.

00:15:48 Speaker_00
Inside.

00:15:49 Speaker_02
Internal jump. What were you going to say? I was going to say that I used to really annoy my mum by saying mum loads and loads until she said yes. And then I'd say nothing. It's just a story about a mum.

00:15:59 Speaker_00
It's just a story about a mum.

00:16:03 Speaker_02
Doesn't make sense, does it? No. Just saying nothing would be funnier. Yeah.

00:16:08 Speaker_02
So go mumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumumum

00:16:25 Speaker_00
What bread are we talking about? Can I have any bread I want? Any bread you want in the whole world. I never ever understand this from you two, can I just say? I don't get poppadoms or bread, I never have.

00:16:34 Speaker_02
Me neither.

00:16:35 Speaker_00
I don't understand it. I don't know why you ever went with a poppadom or bread, they're so different.

00:16:40 Speaker_02
James did it in the first episode and then we couldn't stop doing it. You get them at that point in the meal?

00:16:45 Speaker_00
I know, but it so depends on what you're having.

00:16:48 Speaker_02
Yeah, well, so you just go for whatever, based on what you're having.

00:16:52 Speaker_02
This is also the dream restaurant, so that we're not being, you know, held by any rules, you know, we're not being held by any conventions, so, you know, some people, a lot of guests actually have had poppadoms and then gone on to have, you know, a non-Indian meal.

00:17:04 Speaker_00
Oh yeah, I know that, absolutely.

00:17:06 Speaker_02
So, you know, this is the joy of the dream restaurant, you know.

00:17:08 Speaker_00
You can have what you want when you want. Yeah, we don't care, we relax, put your shoes off.

00:17:12 Speaker_02
You know, nachos. People have chosen different things. Olives, you know, those kind of pre-meal things that they bring out, you know.

00:17:21 Speaker_00
Yeah, of course. But I thought I had to go for bread. But all right, do you know what I'll do then? If you don't mind, could I have, I'd like some arangini balls, some deep fried arangini balls that sit in kind of a truffle-y, buttery sauce.

00:17:34 Speaker_02
Here's what I like about this, because we were talking about my pronunciation earlier. I would say Arancini.

00:17:40 Speaker_00
It is Arancini.

00:17:41 Speaker_02
But I'm a genie, so I like that. I like that they're called Arancini. I like you're calling them Arancini. They've got to be Arancini balls. A genie called Aaron.

00:17:52 Speaker_00
My sister-in-law's from Italy as well. And I know they're Arancini balls.

00:17:57 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:17:58 Speaker_00
But yeah, I say, because I'm lazy, Arancini balls.

00:18:00 Speaker_02
We gotta go with Aaron Genie. Aaron Genie's balls? Yeah. Oh no, has that ruined it for you? Now you're thinking of a genie's balls? A little bit. Yeah. Well normally genies have just got that wispy tail, so I think you're right.

00:18:12 Speaker_00
Yeah, I don't think there's been a lot of genitalia down there.

00:18:14 Speaker_02
Yeah, so I don't think it's that kind of balls. If you found a lamp and you rubbed it and a genie came out, obviously you'd be excited.

00:18:20 Speaker_00
I was so excited.

00:18:21 Speaker_02
But if the genie had a big old pair of nuts on him, would that take away some of the excitement for you?

00:18:26 Speaker_00
I don't think I'd be worried about it, I think I'd just be so excited to see the genie. I think the balls would go out the window, it wouldn't bother me. I think I'd be thinking about what wish, wouldn't I?

00:18:38 Speaker_00
I wouldn't be going, oh look, it is a set of balls.

00:18:41 Speaker_02
I was just thinking about his balls going out the window.

00:18:42 Speaker_00
It is knuckles down there.

00:18:43 Speaker_02
You wouldn't use one of your wishes to make the genie's balls disappear?

00:18:46 Speaker_00
Absolutely not, what a waste. Nothing to do with me.

00:18:48 Speaker_02
First of all, first wish, get rid of those balls.

00:18:52 Speaker_00
Imagine wasting a wish on a set of balls that haven't even got nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter if he's got balls, it doesn't matter what that bit looks like. Why do boys always giggle about balls?

00:19:05 Speaker_02
It's funny though, isn't it? Because also I'm just imagining him just having balls. Yeah, I imagine just having balls. Can't see his dick or anything, it's just his balls.

00:19:12 Speaker_00
Just massive balls.

00:19:14 Speaker_02
yeah just this visible like I'm imagining like when a dog hasn't had its balls off you see the back of the dog you see that going up whoa that one's still got his balls yeah be like that if you see a genie and it's just that I imagine like a yeah set of dogs balls yeah on the genie

00:19:30 Speaker_00
Yeah, I'm sort of imagining the genie from Aladdin that we all love, the blue one. Where would they go? Where would they sit, I suppose, in that area before the wisp?

00:19:41 Speaker_02
Yeah, the area before the wisp.

00:19:42 Speaker_00
Kind of that triangular, as they narrow down. It'd kind of be there, wouldn't it?

00:19:46 Speaker_02
Or the end of the wisp. It wisps down, you look to the wisp and then there's just swinging off the end.

00:19:52 Speaker_00
I'm not sure about that. Not the end of the wisp, no.

00:19:54 Speaker_02
Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say, sorry. Not the end of the wisp, that's my dick, because that's where his feet would be. Yeah, that's really stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an idiot. I can't believe I said the balls would be on the end of the wisp.

00:20:04 Speaker_02
I also think it would be like when you see him on a dog, so you can basically see it from the back. So the genie's kind of speaking to you, and it all seems fine. Yeah.

00:20:12 Speaker_02
And then you're like, OK, cool, I've got this, I've got three wishes, I understand, and he's like, yeah, cool. And then he just turns around to look at something or whatever, and then you see his balls, and you're like, oh, man.

00:20:21 Speaker_02
Maybe it's the genie's main aim, like in Aladdin, where he really wants to be free, he wants someone to use one of their wishes to be free. This genie really wants someone to wish his balls away because they're quite cumbersome.

00:20:32 Speaker_02
Doesn't make for an easy time in the lamp.

00:20:35 Speaker_00
Also, when he squeezes back into the lamp, exactly. Can you imagine? His face is there with the balls in his face.

00:20:43 Speaker_02
Yeah, it gets squeezed up together. Is he putting them in the spout first or is he pulling them in last?

00:20:50 Speaker_00
I think when he gets back in, I reckon everything goes in and they're the last thing.

00:20:55 Speaker_02
He's got a proper yankham. Oh no, poor guy. Poor guy. Let's talk more about these Arangini balls though. So in like a truffle butter type thing.

00:21:12 Speaker_00
Like a truffle butter, look at the glaze. And what's in, is there anything inside the arancini ball in terms of... Yeah, they're usually kind of rice, obviously, because it's risotto rice, isn't it, in an arancini ball.

00:21:25 Speaker_00
With bolognese, or you get them with ham and cheese, so I think I'll go bolognese, please.

00:21:29 Speaker_02
Nice. A little secret bolognese pocket in there.

00:21:31 Speaker_00
But they're quite small.

00:21:32 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:21:32 Speaker_00
You know, I wouldn't... They're little snacks. We've got a lot to get through, so yeah, just a little snack.

00:21:39 Speaker_02
A dream starter, then, because, you know,

00:21:41 Speaker_00
So difficult. I was trying to, over the weekend, I was, someone said to me, what are you doing now? What are you writing? I said, I'm trying to write my menu. It's really important. Really thinking about it.

00:21:50 Speaker_03
Who was this you were talking to?

00:21:51 Speaker_00
I was talking to my daughter, Eliza. I said, I've got to write my menu. And I wanted it all to kind of fit in, but I just don't, I think it's impossible to do that because then it just becomes boring.

00:21:59 Speaker_00
So I think I've got to go for different things for each course that give me joy. So for a starter,

00:22:06 Speaker_00
I'm going to go for, it's a bit off the wall, I've had my own and genie balls, but if this is kind of my last meal or my dream meal, I think I've got to have a bacon roll, like a bacon sandwich or roll.

00:22:18 Speaker_03
I love this.

00:22:18 Speaker_00
So I'm going for a crusty roll from the bakers, like a white crusty roll from the bakers. Yeah. With thick, salted butter, proper butter, room temperature obviously. There's nothing worse, is there, than a hard butter that you can't spread.

00:22:31 Speaker_02
You're spreading it, it's ripping up the roll. I can't bear it. Yeah, it's got to be room temp.

00:22:37 Speaker_02
I mean, the worst is as well, if it's like on toast and it's cold butter, then I'll just end up slicing the butter like cheese and putting it on and watching it melt. And then you've had, what, half a pack of butter on one slice of toast?

00:22:48 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:22:48 Speaker_02
It's quite nice, actually.

00:22:49 Speaker_00
It is nice. It is really good.

00:22:51 Speaker_02
Every cloud. I'm going to say what the listener's going to be thinking and yelling at their phones right now.

00:22:55 Speaker_00
Go on.

00:22:56 Speaker_02
Why don't you switch around your bread course and your starter and have a bacon roll as your bread course because that's the bread and the butter in there and then have the arangini balls as your starter.

00:23:08 Speaker_00
I could do that. I could do that but I feel the arangini balls are too small really to be the starter.

00:23:15 Speaker_02
I think you should stick to your guns.

00:23:17 Speaker_00
I'm going to stick to what I'm doing. But I really love a bacon roll. Thick, crispy, organic bacon.

00:23:25 Speaker_02
What type of bacon are we talking about?

00:23:26 Speaker_00
It's usually from the... I don't know if we can say names of things. Yeah, but we love it. Like the ginger pig.

00:23:31 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:23:32 Speaker_00
Ginger pig do excellent bacon.

00:23:34 Speaker_02
Is it streaky? Is it back?

00:23:37 Speaker_00
No, it's back.

00:23:38 Speaker_02
Back. Nice.

00:23:38 Speaker_00
Unsmoked.

00:23:39 Speaker_02
Unsmoked. Interesting. Okay.

00:23:42 Speaker_00
I'm going unsmoked, yeah.

00:23:43 Speaker_02
Why?

00:23:44 Speaker_00
I don't mind a smoked bacon, but for a perfect bacon roll for me, I like it unsmoked.

00:23:49 Speaker_02
Is the fat all crispy?

00:23:50 Speaker_00
Very crispy, yeah.

00:23:52 Speaker_02
There's so many things to talk about with a bacon roll. There's so many variables, aren't there, for something that's quite a sort of simple staple food.

00:23:58 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:23:58 Speaker_02
How many rashers?

00:23:59 Speaker_00
I like to pack it out.

00:24:01 Speaker_02
Pack it out.

00:24:02 Speaker_00
I do like to pack it out.

00:24:03 Speaker_02
The whole packet?

00:24:04 Speaker_00
No, not a whole packet. I'd say they're very thick, actually, and they're quite large from in there. So in a small baker's white roll, I reckon three. And that's quite a lot of bacon.

00:24:14 Speaker_02
That's good. That's cool, though.

00:24:15 Speaker_00
I reckon three.

00:24:16 Speaker_02
But you want to feel like, especially with bat bacon, because it's thick anyway, you want to feel like you're getting in there and having a bacon run.

00:24:21 Speaker_00
You're getting in there and having a good old mouthful.

00:24:22 Speaker_02
Yeah. I went to university in the Northeast, and there was a place that I found towards the end of me being there, which was like a little hatch in the wall, and you could buy a bacon sandwich from there, and they were open till midnight.

00:24:34 Speaker_00
Amazing.

00:24:34 Speaker_02
Last thing this guy needs. The best thing in the world. And it was a baguette. You go and get a baguette, and I'm not joking, they'd put a whole pack of bacon in it.

00:24:41 Speaker_00
Lovely.

00:24:41 Speaker_02
It was the absolute dream. To finish a night out with a baguette, and a whole pack of bacon.

00:24:47 Speaker_00
I like it.

00:24:48 Speaker_02
A joy.

00:24:48 Speaker_00
I really like it.

00:24:49 Speaker_02
True joy. Wake up the next morning, hello. It's half a baguette and half a packet of bacon next to me. I wasn't leaving any of that. No, no. I knew you weren't. Yeah, I'd need the water though. I'd be saying hello to a big old bottle of water the next day.

00:25:02 Speaker_00
You would. Salty as well. Still or sparkly. You wouldn't give a fuck, would you?

00:25:05 Speaker_02
Just something, anything. Sauce, are you having sauce in it? Yes. Now, this is always controversial.

00:25:10 Speaker_00
It is really controversial. What you putting in it? This is mad.

00:25:12 Speaker_02
I'm hoping for brown sauce.

00:25:14 Speaker_00
I love brand sauce, but if I'm true to myself, I am going tomato sauce and mayo.

00:25:21 Speaker_02
Oh my lord. Almost a Mary Rose. Wow.

00:25:26 Speaker_00
I'm not mixing them up, but they're in there.

00:25:29 Speaker_02
The mayo's a curveball, isn't it? Because I thought we were going so traditional with the bacon roll.

00:25:33 Speaker_00
I know! Eat the brown or red sauce. I know!

00:25:36 Speaker_02
Mayo! Wow.

00:25:37 Speaker_00
I'm obsessed with mayonnaise. Yeah? If I didn't eat mayonnaise, I reckon I'd be thin. What? Seriously, I think if I gave up mayo, I reckon I'd look like Kate Moss.

00:25:50 Speaker_02
How much mayo are you having on a daily basis?

00:25:52 Speaker_00
I have cut it down of late.

00:25:54 Speaker_02
Okay, well I don't want to hear about what you've cut it down to, I want to hear about what you're on before. At your lowest ebb. How many? I mean, I'm wrecking it.

00:26:07 Speaker_00
I reckon I'd have a chicken baguette. I'd make myself a chicken baguette, roast chicken with lettuce and I would pile on the mayo.

00:26:16 Speaker_02
Yeah, talk us through the pile-on though. How much would you say, could you estimate?

00:26:20 Speaker_00
If we've got a jar, I reckon six tablespoons.

00:26:24 Speaker_02
Wow, that's a mayo sandwich. Yeah, the chicken is the condiment there. Yeah, it's really bad.

00:26:32 Speaker_00
Loved it.

00:26:32 Speaker_02
And would that be it for the day? No, that would be lunchtime.

00:26:35 Speaker_00
That would be lunch. I was heavier back then.

00:26:39 Speaker_02
Still got the rest of the jar to get through.

00:26:40 Speaker_00
I was four stone heavier back then.

00:26:41 Speaker_02
Oh yeah?

00:26:42 Speaker_00
I was, yeah.

00:26:43 Speaker_02
And you cut mayo out of your diet.

00:26:44 Speaker_00
I haven't cut it out. Okay. Don't be silly. It's not a bit silly.

00:26:49 Speaker_02
You don't want six tablespoons in a baguette.

00:26:51 Speaker_00
No.

00:26:51 Speaker_02
No. But would you have some for dinner as well then? Would there be mayo involved in dinner? No matter what it is?

00:26:57 Speaker_00
Chips were there or wedges.

00:26:59 Speaker_02
How much mayo is in this bacon roll?

00:27:02 Speaker_00
We're going tomato sauce just a little, like we do, a little... Just imagine that's the bottle. I don't really know how to describe.

00:27:13 Speaker_02
Yeah, you do a little spiral. A little spiral round.

00:27:16 Speaker_00
And then mayo the same, over the top, a little spiral round, not much.

00:27:19 Speaker_02
You really have cut back on the mayo.

00:27:21 Speaker_00
No, I've really, really cut back. It pains me to say it, but yeah, I have.

00:27:24 Speaker_02
But you need it in there. If you don't have mayo in there, you're going to be upset with this bacon roll.

00:27:29 Speaker_00
Yeah, because I like everything to amalgamate. I like the butter and the mayo and the tomato sauce all to go together. Heart tuck in a roll.

00:27:35 Speaker_02
That's fair. It does sound good. It has to be a bacon roll, you don't want some sausages in there, some eggs.

00:27:39 Speaker_00
No thank you. I don't like, I don't know, I don't trust people who have egg sandwiches and egg rolls.

00:27:44 Speaker_02
You don't trust the people?

00:27:46 Speaker_00
No. I don't understand it.

00:27:48 Speaker_02
What's your issue with it?

00:27:49 Speaker_00
Do you know, I don't really know. I just don't, I don't like it.

00:27:52 Speaker_02
Is it the pop, the pop of the yolk? You know when you see someone having an egg and bacon sandwich and they bite down and then the yolk pops and it all spills out the other side?

00:28:01 Speaker_00
Yeah, it makes me feel a bit sick.

00:28:03 Speaker_02
That's only with Nell and I. Get in the back of the van! That's happened to me. The fried egg sandwich.

00:28:13 Speaker_00
I think it's the yolk-y thing and sometimes the yolk, if it's not cooked, looks like snot. It's just that, I don't know, the yolk thing. I love a poached egg, don't get me wrong. And a scrambled egg. You know, I like eggs.

00:28:25 Speaker_02
You're not putting them in between bread.

00:28:26 Speaker_00
I'm just not putting them in between bread, no.

00:28:28 Speaker_02
Fair enough. I mean, for me when I was, I don't know how old I was, a kid, when I had my first bacon and egg roll, I thought this was the best thing in the world. I'd never ever want to go back. This is incredible.

00:28:38 Speaker_02
Never met anyone who is that opposed to it before.

00:28:41 Speaker_00
Do you have a bacon and egg roll now?

00:28:42 Speaker_02
I would go for it if that's the option. And I'd add some sausages in there. I'd just go full like, you know, breakfast. Yeah, full breakfast in there.

00:28:50 Speaker_00
Do you have baked beans in it?

00:28:52 Speaker_02
You know what? If someone offered it, sure. I wouldn't. No, I think it'd be a bad idea. Yeah. But if someone said, do you want baked beans? I'd be like, yeah, go on.

00:29:00 Speaker_00
Would you smash them in?

00:29:01 Speaker_02
Why not? Let's try it. It would be bad.

00:29:03 Speaker_00
It wouldn't be great with the bean juice.

00:29:05 Speaker_02
You really only need those three things, I think. That's the maximum you need. I don't know, like there's a couple of cafes in Edinburgh where you can get like the square sausage in there or like black pudding in a roll as well.

00:29:17 Speaker_02
Bacon and black pudding roll.

00:29:19 Speaker_00
I love black pudding. It's so bad but so good.

00:29:22 Speaker_02
So good.

00:29:23 Speaker_00
There's a pub near me, a local pub but it's a really lovely foodie pub and they do a starter. It is ridiculous. It's so big that you couldn't... I don't know what... I mean, I've had it and gone, you expect me now to have a main meal?

00:29:36 Speaker_00
The black pudding is kind of a tube size, if you can imagine, to your listeners. That sort of size. Going round, what's that? What do you say it's like?

00:29:48 Speaker_02
It looks like a boomerang, but like a black pudding.

00:29:52 Speaker_00
Well done James, that's absolutely perfect.

00:29:54 Speaker_02
I was going to go in a different direction. Yeah, of course you were. Just like a boomerang. That's beautiful. That's a wonderful starter. I felt very nostalgic even though I still eat them but like you know it's like it makes you feel homely.

00:30:11 Speaker_00
Yeah it does, yeah.

00:30:13 Speaker_00
And it reminds me of my mum as well going back to that, going over to the Baker's and I lost my mum when I was 19 so she'd go over the Baker's when I was about 10 and I'd nick her Embassy Number Ones and smoke under the cooker hood.

00:30:25 Speaker_00
Oh, she went to the baker's. Do you remember the cooker hood? Yeah, the extraction. The extractor fan. At least she won't know that I'm doing this. I was about 10.

00:30:33 Speaker_02
I mean, she definitely knew, right? Yeah, I think so. Come back. The extractor fan is not magic. It doesn't completely remove all smell. And you probably noticed her fags.

00:30:43 Speaker_00
Always remember, we lived on Essex Road, so I'd look out the window in Islington, so you'd look out and I could see her. So I could just finish up. Oh, she's on her way back, you know. Good old memories.

00:30:55 Speaker_02
Oh, sick of the bacon sandwich, huh? Absolutely, that's gonna be on my next tree. I'll tell you an embassy number 10 and a bacon sandwich absolutely get that kid to audition for you. Yeah Dream main course.

00:31:36 Speaker_00
I'm denied with this because I'm such a pasta lover. but a part of me is a bit, oh, is that really boring to go for a pasta dish? And I love steak and I do, I really like a good steak, kind of a rib eye or something.

00:31:50 Speaker_00
So then I thought, is there any possibility that I could have maybe some pasta on the plate with some- You can have a pasta course, Natalie.

00:31:59 Speaker_02
Some people have hacked this in the past and asked for a pasta course, because that is a thing. It is a thing, yeah. And then a main course.

00:32:07 Speaker_00
So if you want- I've had a bacon roll now.

00:32:09 Speaker_02
I'll be stuffed when I... This is the dream restaurant, it's a once-in-a-lifetime meal. I'm a genie, I can take away you being full. I can't take away my own balls, but I can take away you being full so that you won't be full for this meal.

00:32:24 Speaker_00
Alright, let's have a pasta course in then.

00:32:26 Speaker_02
Yeah, that's what we like to hear.

00:32:28 Speaker_00
Let's have a pasta course in there and I would like the tagliolini, so not the tagliatelle, but it's thin, so it's like a flat spaghetti, isn't it, a tagliolini, it's like smaller. That's my favourite pasta. And I would have a lobster chilli pasta.

00:32:46 Speaker_00
Now I shouldn't, this is a dream menu because I love crustaceans, but they don't love me.

00:32:51 Speaker_03
A lot of things don't love you.

00:32:52 Speaker_00
They really don't. I'm not allergic. Is it intolerance or a lot of things? But I just ignore it.

00:32:58 Speaker_03
I ignore it.

00:32:59 Speaker_00
I can't do it. I shouldn't eat gluten. I shouldn't have pork. I know I shouldn't have lobster or crab.

00:33:05 Speaker_02
This entire menu.

00:33:07 Speaker_00
Most of the menu.

00:33:08 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah. Lobster pasta for someone who shouldn't have gluten and crustacean.

00:33:11 Speaker_00
And a bacon roll.

00:33:11 Speaker_02
And a bacon roll, yeah. Just polished off a bacon roll and straight into the lobster pasta.

00:33:16 Speaker_00
If I was eating this meal, the next day you wouldn't see me out of that toilet for 24 hours.

00:33:21 Speaker_02
Fair enough.

00:33:22 Speaker_00
But it's worth it, you know.

00:33:24 Speaker_02
It's gotta be worth 24 hours, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

00:33:26 Speaker_00
It's gotta be.

00:33:27 Speaker_02
Reflecting on the meal the whole time. It was good. Just shouting worth it every time you do a shit. So it's lobster and chilli and garlic, I'm presuming?

00:33:38 Speaker_00
Yeah, chilli, garlic, lobster.

00:33:39 Speaker_02
Which doesn't love you either? Not really.

00:33:41 Speaker_00
And a lovely tagliolini.

00:33:42 Speaker_02
Oh, beautiful.

00:33:43 Speaker_00
Really, really nice. Not too big. Let's have a little one because we don't need to be greedy here.

00:33:47 Speaker_02
No.

00:33:48 Speaker_00
But it's just that lovely, but quite chunky lobster. Hey, when you get a lobster dish and you can't find it.

00:33:53 Speaker_02
Yeah, agreed.

00:33:54 Speaker_00
Locanda Locatelli's does a lovely lobster.

00:33:56 Speaker_02
Oh yeah?

00:33:57 Speaker_00
Spaghetti.

00:33:58 Speaker_02
Whereabouts is that?

00:33:59 Speaker_00
That is Regency Hyatt. I can't remember what square it's on actually. You'll have a look. The Hyatt Regency Hotel in the West End and then the Locanzas is off of that. Giorgio Locatelli's little restaurant. Surprised you've not been there.

00:34:11 Speaker_03
No, I've not been there.

00:34:13 Speaker_00
You've not ever been there?

00:34:14 Speaker_02
No.

00:34:14 Speaker_00
You should go there for the bread basket and the pasta boys.

00:34:17 Speaker_02
For sure. That sounds lovely, that's a great pasta course. Any sauce in this pasta?

00:34:21 Speaker_00
No, it's just a little bit of oil, some lemon on it maybe, lots of black pepper, no cheese. If anyone puts fucking parmesan on a fish pasta. See you later, bye!

00:34:34 Speaker_02
Yeah, that's like, this is proper traditional Italian, right? Because Italians go mad if you do that, put cheese on a fish pasta dish.

00:34:43 Speaker_02
It's one of my favourite, I appear to be on the algorithm on Instagram of getting videos of people with Italian partners doing things that they know are going to annoy them.

00:34:53 Speaker_02
The classic is filming in the kitchen and the man is Italian and he's stood in the background and a woman gets past her and breaks it over the pot, like snaps it in half. And he'll go, oh no! And I go, absolutely crazy. It's brilliant.

00:35:08 Speaker_00
How do you end up on that algorithm?

00:35:10 Speaker_02
I've got no idea, but now I'm on it.

00:35:12 Speaker_00
I want it. Sounds great. Now, if I were to snap the pasta up, my nieces hate me. Oh, really? Because they're all half Italian, they're all half Neapolitan. They just slag me off, really, when I cook, if I'm honest. Can't do anything right.

00:35:23 Speaker_00
They just stand behind me going, that's not right. How many of them? How many potatoes? There's 12 of us. Is that all the potatoes you need? Leave me alone and let me cook this dinner. How much mayo are you putting on that? Yeah. Jesus Christ.

00:35:37 Speaker_02
You've gone through five spoons. So your main course then after the pasta dish?

00:35:42 Speaker_00
So I think I would go for a ribeye steak, a really nice ribeye. I do like a fillet. I don't mind a sirloin. I don't mind a sirloin.

00:35:53 Speaker_02
Look, this is your dream menu. We're Aaron and Ginny.

00:35:56 Speaker_00
We've got to back up. No, we're not. We're backing up.

00:35:59 Speaker_02
I'm a Ginny sirloin.

00:36:00 Speaker_00
I do like a sirloin, but I don't think you can beat the flavour of ribeye.

00:36:04 Speaker_02
Preach. Agreed.

00:36:06 Speaker_00
Agreed?

00:36:07 Speaker_02
Always ribeye for me. If it's an option on a menu, always getting ribeye. Nice marbled fat through that.

00:36:13 Speaker_00
Beautiful.

00:36:13 Speaker_02
So tasty.

00:36:14 Speaker_00
I do like a Chateaubriand. Don't get me wrong.

00:36:18 Speaker_02
well we would never suggest you don't like it you have to bring up i actually don't know what cut that is what is that

00:36:23 Speaker_00
I don't know what the cut is, but it comes usually for two. It's nice, it's a big one. Usually on Boxing Day, or the day when all the family come to me, I will do a Cote de Berthe. A big, big bone-in Cote de Berthe.

00:36:36 Speaker_00
And it does, I'm very good at cooking a roast dinner. That's my thing.

00:36:39 Speaker_02
So your nieces leave you alone when you're doing that?

00:36:41 Speaker_00
No, they're still in the ear hole. They're still talking away, but they don't muck about with the beef. They don't talk about the beef.

00:36:46 Speaker_02
But I'm good.

00:36:46 Speaker_00
I'm good at doing the meat.

00:36:48 Speaker_02
The beef's your thing, absolutely. Medium rare? Rare?

00:36:51 Speaker_00
No. Medium. I don't like blood in it. I'm really sorry. I know. I know.

00:36:56 Speaker_02
Medium's respectful though. No, it's not. With a big cut of meat, and this is something I'm finding out as I get older, I used to be rare or nothing. Then I creeped to medium-rare. Now, I don't mind if it's erring in between medium-rare and medium.

00:37:10 Speaker_02
Who's this? I don't recognize this man anymore. Anything above medium can absolutely fuck off.

00:37:15 Speaker_00
But you're happy with no, I'm very happy. It could be as pink as you like. So if it's well rested, it can be medium rare. As long as there's no blood on my plate, I'm happy. This is what I mean, it's fine. Do you see what I mean?

00:37:25 Speaker_00
So if it's completely rested, I just don't want any blood. I don't want to cut in and there'd be liquid on my plate.

00:37:30 Speaker_02
Yeah. But there shouldn't be, should there? Even with rare, if you've rested it properly, it shouldn't, you know.

00:37:36 Speaker_00
Yeah, if it was completely rested, as long as there was no liquid on my plate, I can eat it.

00:37:41 Speaker_02
I saw a film the other day where the main character has it almost raw, his steak, blue.

00:37:47 Speaker_00
Was he a bear?

00:37:48 Speaker_02
No, Jesse Plemons. And then his wife comes back. She's been away for ages and he doesn't trust it. It's his wife. So he asks her to cut off her finger and feed it to him. And she does it.

00:38:00 Speaker_02
And if your partner, if you were away for a bit and you got home and your partner said, I don't believe it's you, cut off your finger.

00:38:07 Speaker_00
Sorry, why does it work? What's happened with the character? Can we wind back a bit?

00:38:11 Speaker_02
I've still not seen this film so you're ruining it for me.

00:38:14 Speaker_00
I don't understand why.

00:38:15 Speaker_02
Everyone knows this happens.

00:38:16 Speaker_00
Why doesn't he believe, what is he locked in a room, is he blind?

00:38:19 Speaker_02
He doesn't believe it's her. She's acting weird, she's acting different. She's eating chocolate cake, she never used to eat chocolate.

00:38:24 Speaker_00
Right.

00:38:24 Speaker_02
Her shoes don't fit her anymore. It's a weird film though isn't it?

00:38:28 Speaker_00
Sounds it.

00:38:28 Speaker_02
Bit weird, weirder than EastEnders. less realistic. Has there ever been a cannibal on EastEnders?

00:38:35 Speaker_00
Not that I know of, no.

00:38:36 Speaker_02
You've got to do that. You've got to do it.

00:38:39 Speaker_00
You could come in and do that, James. Why don't you come in and be a weirdo that moves into the square and he starts to do it as a... I'm not saying you're weird, no, you'd be acting obviously. No, no, he is.

00:38:48 Speaker_02
Hey, listen, I'd gladly play a cannibal on EastEnders.

00:38:51 Speaker_00
Who would you eat?

00:38:53 Speaker_02
Who wouldn't I eat? More like... You could eat Sonya. Well, listen... Yeah, Sonya first to go. What a CV that would be for you, James. Already full of garlic. Yeah. Delicious. Coming out the paws.

00:39:07 Speaker_00
Filled with mayo.

00:39:09 Speaker_02
Yeah, love that.

00:39:10 Speaker_01
I'd be quite good, I think, to eat. Who else is still knocking around in the square?

00:39:15 Speaker_00
People that you might know.

00:39:16 Speaker_02
Ian Beale still there?

00:39:17 Speaker_00
Yeah, Beale is there.

00:39:18 Speaker_02
He's got to be eating. Are you having a chunk of wood yet? Yeah, I'd have wood, yeah. Maybe that'll just be it, I'll just eat Ian Beale. Because I think, like, longest serving cast member?

00:39:29 Speaker_00
Yeah, very much so, one of, yeah.

00:39:31 Speaker_02
I mean, it's a good... I think, what an ending for his character. I'd at least give it a go, try and eat him.

00:39:37 Speaker_02
I think that, you know, maybe Stenders isn't ready for actual cannibalism, but a cannibal character who tries to eat Ian Beale, I think that's... You'd get a lot of people watching that.

00:39:46 Speaker_00
Yeah, you would. Just from the listeners of this, to be fair.

00:39:49 Speaker_02
Yeah, if I've got him in a big cauldron, in a pot, and he's like bound at the ankles and wrists.

00:39:54 Speaker_00
He's got a phrase that he says, he'd be going around in the cauldron, he'd be going, I've got nothing left!

00:39:59 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah.

00:40:00 Speaker_00
I've got nothing left!

00:40:03 Speaker_02
Yeah, I'm like, keep on crying Bill, it just seasons the pot. I'm not sure EastEnders is ready for a cannibal actually.

00:40:10 Speaker_00
Yeah, no, I'm not sure either. Just maybe purely because it's on at half seven.

00:40:13 Speaker_02
Yeah, I think maybe a storyline where someone thinks that someone is a cannibal and they suspect someone of being a cannibal.

00:40:21 Speaker_02
It could be like a bit of a comedy storyline because like their wife, their wife goes on holiday and they don't know and they're like, oh, he's eaten her or something. Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm eating people. Yeah.

00:40:30 Speaker_02
Because it's just different stuff that I'm doing.

00:40:32 Speaker_00
I think you should stick to what you know, boys, because I think the storyliners at work are probably OK.

00:40:37 Speaker_02
They're OK. Take that to them, anyway.

00:40:40 Speaker_00
I will. I will let them know.

00:40:42 Speaker_02
Let them know that the off-menu boys have got an idea.

00:40:44 Speaker_00
And it's that they should be a cannibal.

00:40:46 Speaker_02
Or that everyone thinks there's a cannibal on the square.

00:40:48 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:40:49 Speaker_02
Hey, this was exciting in my house many years ago. I had the same dressing gown as Sonia.

00:40:54 Speaker_00
Excuse me?

00:40:55 Speaker_02
I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. My mum was like, you got the same dressing gown as Sonia. That was exciting. That was big news in our house.

00:41:04 Speaker_00
What colour was it?

00:41:06 Speaker_02
It had pattern, it was quite patterned.

00:41:07 Speaker_00
I'm trying to think of what one it was. Why did you have a female's?

00:41:12 Speaker_02
I'd say it was a unisex dressing gown. It was probably around the same time as the trumpet came in.

00:41:19 Speaker_00
So while we're looking, maybe 95, how old are you, Ed?

00:41:22 Speaker_02
I'm 38.

00:41:23 Speaker_00
Are you really?

00:41:24 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah.

00:41:24 Speaker_00
I'm 41.

00:41:24 Speaker_02
This is probably when I was 9 or 10 maybe.

00:41:28 Speaker_00
Yeah, so I would have been maybe 13, 14, Sonia would have been.

00:41:31 Speaker_02
Same dressing gown.

00:41:32 Speaker_00
Wow.

00:41:33 Speaker_02
Mad, isn't it?

00:41:33 Speaker_00
It's incredible. It's such a shame that we haven't got a visual of this. Have you got a picture of it?

00:41:39 Speaker_02
I'm sure, I'll ask my mum, I'm sure. Google Sonia 13 dressing gown.

00:41:45 Speaker_00
Be careful.

00:41:47 Speaker_02
I was planning on bringing that up, but I couldn't find a moment for it to come up naturally, so I just said it. Off the back of the cannibal chat.

00:41:53 Speaker_00
I think it works perfectly.

00:41:55 Speaker_01
Are you having any sauce for this steak, by the way?

00:41:58 Speaker_00
I do like a béarnaise sauce. I don't know if I'm a bit sauced out from the mayo, tomato ketchup. I think I'm going ribeye. With the ribeye, I know I've got a side, I know I have a side. Is that it on the plate?

00:42:12 Speaker_02
No, you can have... Well, tell us what you want.

00:42:16 Speaker_00
I'd really love a rocket and parmesan salad.

00:42:19 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:42:19 Speaker_00
Yeah, great. Can I do that?

00:42:20 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:42:21 Speaker_00
Couple of little piccolini, cherry tomatoes. Yeah. Bit of red onion.

00:42:25 Speaker_02
Nice.

00:42:26 Speaker_00
So yeah, I'd have a nice salad with it.

00:42:28 Speaker_02
Yeah, great. This is going to blow your mind, Natalie. That's what I'm having for dinner tonight.

00:42:32 Speaker_00
What, on that rib eye?

00:42:33 Speaker_02
I've got a rib eye in the fridge and I've got some rocket and some tomatoes and some parmesan.

00:42:37 Speaker_00
With this and the dressing gown, I think we're meant to beard. We'll have to have a chat. Yeah, this is brilliant. I think we're mates. Yeah, I think so.

00:42:44 Speaker_02
Might be the same person. That could be the twist at the end. That'd be a big twist. Big twist. Suggest that to the storyline people. Me and Benito are humouring you, but we know it's just... Okay, this is a good storyline. I turn up in the square.

00:42:56 Speaker_02
Don't preface it with this is a good storyline. It is! I'm there for a couple of months, I'm getting up to all sorts. Then, big twist, I'm part of Sonya's imagination. Like Fight Club.

00:43:08 Speaker_00
Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

00:43:10 Speaker_02
What do you reckon?

00:43:11 Speaker_00
Could work, yeah.

00:43:11 Speaker_02
Stenders hasn't done that yet.

00:43:13 Speaker_00
No, we've had a few kind of breakdowns and things with people visualising other people, but no, we haven't had... No big twists where a new character turns out to be someone's imagination. No, that could work.

00:43:33 Speaker_01
Your dream side?

00:43:35 Speaker_00
If I'm going my dream, it doesn't really go with food, but I do love a dauphinois potato. That goes with it. Well, it does, but I could have a very, very nice, just a lovely skinny fry.

00:43:48 Speaker_00
Sometimes I don't think you can beat a lovely salty, skinny potato fry, not a sweet potato fry. I like a sweet potato fry.

00:43:55 Speaker_02
You can't get them as crispy though, can you?

00:43:57 Speaker_00
No, you can't. Although the air fryer does well, the frozen ones now. They're quite good.

00:44:02 Speaker_02
I've never tried an air fryer, so...

00:44:03 Speaker_00
Oh, it is good. I know it's boring.

00:44:05 Speaker_02
Ed's got material eye. I don't want to tread on his toes. People are over the top about them, I think.

00:44:09 Speaker_00
I agree with you. But I chuck in some nuggets and some chips in a drawer with not a lot of washing and it is ready in 10 minutes. Yeah, convenient. It's very convenient for the children.

00:44:19 Speaker_02
It's great. But we're not having that on the side of the dream meal though. We're either going to have skinny fries or the Dauphinoise potatoes.

00:44:25 Speaker_00
I'm going to go Dauphinoise because I'm having a dream. It's something I don't cook a lot. This is a ball lake to make. I love them. Fucking hell, it takes a while.

00:44:34 Speaker_02
He's got a routine about Dauphinoise. I've got a routine about Dauphinoise as well in my new show because I cut my thumb on a mandolin.

00:44:39 Speaker_00
This is unbelievable stuff.

00:44:40 Speaker_02
This is crazy. I'll tell you what I admire, because in my stand-up shows now I kind of steer clear of food because I think I've got to save all my food stuff for this pod. Ed is confident. Yeah, it's all I've got. He's confident, man.

00:44:51 Speaker_02
He just does food routines. He's like, I'll generate new stuff. I'll generate new gear. He knows he will. It's my brand now.

00:44:58 Speaker_00
The food stuff.

00:44:58 Speaker_02
Yeah, it's my brand.

00:45:00 Speaker_00
You should start presenting MasterChef.

00:45:01 Speaker_02
No, I can't. I'm on Great British Menu. I'm a judge on Great British Menu. How are you? They're warring factions.

00:45:07 Speaker_00
Oh, shit, I didn't know that.

00:45:08 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:08 Speaker_00
How long have you been doing that for? Three years. Oh, that's embarrassing.

00:45:11 Speaker_02
It's going into my fourth year. He's done quite a few series of it.

00:45:13 Speaker_00
I haven't watched that for a long time. No, genuinely, I haven't watched that for a long time. I've got to start watching that now.

00:45:16 Speaker_02
Well, you know, it feels like a fresh format. It's a whole new show. Yeah. He's doing food jokes on that. He's doing food jokes here. He's doing food jokes in his stand-up show.

00:45:24 Speaker_00
Listen, don't knock it. If it works, come on. I'm not knocking it.

00:45:27 Speaker_02
I'm admiring it. Yeah.

00:45:28 Speaker_00
It's great. What are you doing then? What's your sort of material?

00:45:31 Speaker_02
Sad, he's sad. I just talk about how sad I am.

00:45:35 Speaker_00
Fair.

00:45:41 Speaker_02
Your dream drink.

00:45:42 Speaker_00
Okay, I think if I'm having a nice meal, I would really like a lovely cold glass of musso. It's quite a posh wine. It's quite a rich and creamy wine. It reminds me of Christmas.

00:45:55 Speaker_00
It's something I buy maybe once a year, a bottle of, for Christmas Day, that I like to drink. If I was being nostalgic, though, I would have my dad's cup of tea that he used to make me, because it was just a lovely cup.

00:46:07 Speaker_00
And he'd go, do you fancy a cup of tea, Squirt? And I'd go, yes, please, Dad. He used to live with me. So I would do that. That's lovely. I'd have my dad's cup of tea.

00:46:16 Speaker_02
It would be a shame not to have both of those things, I think. Yeah, both. What about, I mean, the cup of tea would go very nicely with the bacon roll.

00:46:22 Speaker_00
And I have that. Do I have it there?

00:46:24 Speaker_02
Yeah, absolutely.

00:46:25 Speaker_00
Great, thank you. You're very good. Like, the rules are... No desert island discs, is it?

00:46:29 Speaker_02
We want it to be people's actual dream meals. Like, we don't want it to be, you know, the rules are there to, like, guide you, but... Good, I like it. We want people to actually have their dream meal.

00:46:39 Speaker_00
Yeah, it's nice.

00:46:40 Speaker_02
With the bacon roll as well, do you also want a ciggy stood next to the extractor fan?

00:46:45 Speaker_00
No thank you, because I don't smoke anymore.

00:46:47 Speaker_02
But we can make it so that, you know, you're 10 years old when you used to smoke the most. When you're at the height of your smoking at 10 years old. We could have it that for that course you're 10. Just a cup of tea and the bacon roll.

00:47:00 Speaker_02
That's a nice starter. Can you describe the cup of tea your dad would make?

00:47:04 Speaker_00
It would just be a lovely nice strong Yorkshire Gold cup of tea left in for ages, not too much milk but you know just a nice builder's tea.

00:47:12 Speaker_02
Sugar? No.

00:47:14 Speaker_00
Sweet enough James?

00:47:15 Speaker_02
Do you think it was the way your dad made the tea that made it a nice cup of tea or was it the fact that your dad was making it for you that made it nice?

00:47:22 Speaker_00
Both. Both things, yeah. It was just because he would make me a cup of tea. And even up until, you know, he was, you know, 83 or whatever, I'd be running around, he'd say, oh, you don't stop, do you? I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

00:47:34 Speaker_00
And, you know, it was quite a nice thing that he'd do.

00:47:36 Speaker_02
That's lovely.

00:47:37 Speaker_00
Really lovely, yeah.

00:47:38 Speaker_02
I've never had this wine before. I've never heard of it. Have you, Ed? I think I have had Mercer, yeah.

00:47:43 Speaker_00
It's nice. It's quite rich. It's quite full-bodied. Obviously, again, it depends what wine you're having. But the one I've had before has been really lovely.

00:47:51 Speaker_03
Right.

00:47:52 Speaker_00
I usually, in the summer and stuff, I would go for a... I'd go for a night, probably a Sancerre or something like that, a Polyfume. But I feel like my taste buds with wine are changing. Weekly. I just feel very snobby about it.

00:48:06 Speaker_00
And I don't mean it, but I used to have a Sauvignon Blanc and be happy with a Sauvignon Blanc. And now I can't take it. It tastes like piss.

00:48:14 Speaker_02
All Sauvignon Blanc tastes like pesto, you know.

00:48:16 Speaker_00
A lot of it, everything, yeah. You know like pub, you go, what have you got? I haven't got a Garvey. The most expensive one in the pub is kind of the Sauvignon Blanc. I don't like Pinot Grigio.

00:48:27 Speaker_00
So I'd have one of them and think, this is awful, it's like petrol. Which is why I know I'm not an alcoholic, because I'd rather have a Diet Coke.

00:48:33 Speaker_02
Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, I think that's a good clue.

00:48:37 Speaker_00
You know, you go, well, actually, if it's rubbish, I'd rather have a Ribena.

00:48:41 Speaker_02
You're not drinking to get drunk. You want to drink a thing that you actually enjoy.

00:48:45 Speaker_00
Yes, I do. It's a bit like gins, isn't it? I don't like rubbish gin and rubbish tonic. Do you like gin and tonic?

00:48:51 Speaker_02
I love a gin and tonic.

00:48:52 Speaker_00
What's your favourite gin and tonic? What's your favourite gin?

00:48:55 Speaker_02
My favourite gin is Harris gin, which is from the Isle of Harris. It's made with kelp, which is like seaweed. So it's got that sort of seaweedy, slightly salty taste to it.

00:49:06 Speaker_00
Nice.

00:49:07 Speaker_02
Absolutely delicious. It comes in a beautiful bottle. I would have it with tonic, but it's better, I find, to do like a gin martini and then you get the full sort of hit of the gin. That's nice.

00:49:17 Speaker_02
But then I do them at home and you're like, I'm pretty sure there's four measures of gin in that and I've just drunk it in four minutes.

00:49:23 Speaker_00
It is true.

00:49:24 Speaker_02
And then you're just walking around your house going, I'm absolutely hammered.

00:49:27 Speaker_00
After two drinks, like, you get the old Negronis on the go. Oh my God.

00:49:30 Speaker_02
Saying hello to everything.

00:49:31 Speaker_00
Oh my goodness, mate.

00:49:34 Speaker_02
But just to be clear, you're not an alcoholic. Not an alcoholic. No.

00:49:39 Speaker_00
Leave her his head. We're just chatting about gin.

00:49:41 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah, just getting shitfaced at you in your house. Yeah, but I'm drinking the nice stuff. Yeah.

00:49:44 Speaker_00
Do you not drink, James?

00:49:46 Speaker_02
Yeah, I do, yeah.

00:49:46 Speaker_00
Yeah? Do you like gin?

00:49:47 Speaker_02
I drink. Huh?

00:49:48 Speaker_00
Do you like gin?

00:49:49 Speaker_02
Yeah. He drinks, yeah. Have his gin. Seaweed. I like to have his seaweed gin.

00:49:53 Speaker_00
Okay, I know what's happening here.

00:49:56 Speaker_02
No, they won't send me any, I'll have to buy it. I have a question about the sancerre.

00:50:02 Speaker_00
Sancerre?

00:50:03 Speaker_02
Yeah, you said you said to the Magi you'll order a sancerre. Does the barman ever go, a sancerre for Sonia?

00:50:08 Speaker_00
No, but that's very funny James.

00:50:11 Speaker_02
Would you like that if the barman did do that?

00:50:13 Speaker_00
No.

00:50:13 Speaker_02
No, probably not. We arrive at your dream dessert. My favourite course.

00:50:20 Speaker_00
Are you a sweet tooth?

00:50:21 Speaker_02
I am. He's a sweet boy. Is he?

00:50:23 Speaker_00
Through and through.

00:50:27 Speaker_02
What? What are you talking about? I knew Natalie would be on my side. We already know. We're the same person. Yeah, evidently.

00:50:33 Speaker_00
What are you talking about? I'm not interested.

00:50:35 Speaker_02
You're not interested.

00:50:36 Speaker_00
Not interested. What? My Mark, he bakes well. He bakes cakes. He does a marmalade cake and a whiskey, marmalade and whiskey cake. Lovely. He'll bake. He'll bake, you know, and he'll take stuff to work.

00:50:46 Speaker_03
What a lovely man.

00:50:47 Speaker_00
He is a lovely man. I should have brought you a cake in, if I'd known. Next time.

00:50:51 Speaker_02
Next time.

00:50:51 Speaker_00
Well, you don't get guests on twice, do you?

00:50:53 Speaker_02
Well, if they bring cakes. Yeah.

00:50:57 Speaker_00
So anyway, yeah, but there's lots of cake around and my daughter was on the Junior Bake Off as well, so she did really well.

00:51:04 Speaker_02
She was amazing on that. Okay, well, whatever. She was brilliant on Junior Bake Off.

00:51:07 Speaker_00
Did you watch it?

00:51:08 Speaker_02
I love Junior Bake Off. Do you? Yeah, I think it's brilliant. I think it's better than normal Bake Off.

00:51:12 Speaker_00
I love Harry Hill on it, that's why.

00:51:14 Speaker_02
Yeah, Harry Hill's incredible. I think Liam and Rav are brilliant hosts as well.

00:51:18 Speaker_00
I agree.

00:51:19 Speaker_02
Yeah, I love it. The kids are always funny. There's always one chaotic one who just drops everything but doesn't care. I think it's fantastic.

00:51:25 Speaker_00
Yeah, it is good. Anyway, yeah, so I'm not really into desserts. I haven't really got a sweet tooth.

00:51:30 Speaker_01
This better not be going where I think it's going.

00:51:32 Speaker_00
I do love a bit, I do love a fruit and nut in the fridge. Is that all right with you?

00:51:39 Speaker_02
Sorry, I wasn't expecting fruit and nut in the fridge. Really made me laugh. You said it like it was an innuendo. It's not. Do you like chocolate in the fridge, James? Yeah, I do. I do love chocolate. I do like chocolate in the fridge, actually. Yeah, I do.

00:51:54 Speaker_02
I do like chocolate in the fridge. And if that is your dream dessert... No, that's not my dessert.

00:51:58 Speaker_00
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:51:59 Speaker_02
Back up, James.

00:52:00 Speaker_00
That is not my dessert. I'm just saying, if we're going into chocolate or sweet things, OK. I'll have that in the fridge. Or I would go for... You know those Bom... Is it Bom Mamon? They do the little French... Oh, bollocks. Like a mousse.

00:52:16 Speaker_00
Blackcurrant mousse.

00:52:19 Speaker_01
Well, because you said bollocks out of nowhere. The most unnecessary bollocks I've ever heard.

00:52:23 Speaker_02
Well, not as unnecessary as the bollocks on the cheek. But like, it was just out of nowhere. It was like, just muttered under your breath.

00:52:31 Speaker_00
Sorry, I'm thinking. It's a blackcurrant mousse, they do.

00:52:34 Speaker_02
The Bournemont blackcurrant mousse.

00:52:35 Speaker_00
Yeah, and that sounds great. That would go in there. Lovely. It's OK. However,

00:52:39 Speaker_02
don't don't don't however because like i'm very scared now that you're going to go savoury and i am oh yes it's been a while since we've had this um i don't like this natalie i'm one of the cheeseboards we're the same person oh you motherfucker what have you got going on it's been so long so long since this has happened it's not a dessert you know it's not

00:53:10 Speaker_02
Oh my god.

00:53:11 Speaker_00
Talk us through the cheese board. When I go into a restaurant, James. Yeah? When I went to the Leadbury.

00:53:18 Speaker_02
Yes.

00:53:18 Speaker_00
Wonderful restaurant by the way.

00:53:20 Speaker_02
It is, best restaurant in London I reckon.

00:53:21 Speaker_00
My favourite. Yeah. Brilliant. I hope it burns down.

00:53:23 Speaker_02
Is that your favourite restaurant? Genuinely, yeah. I hope it burns to the ground. Same favourite restaurant, James.

00:53:29 Speaker_00
Same favourite restaurant, James.

00:53:31 Speaker_02
Jesus.

00:53:32 Speaker_00
So, when you go to a nice restaurant, why is there a cheese course, James, at the end?

00:53:39 Speaker_02
What's the problem? They're pretentious dickheads! And they're just putting it on there just to, if anything, just to test. I think it's fine to have a cheese board after you've had a dessert. That's absolutely fine.

00:53:51 Speaker_02
Or even before, as a bridge into the dessert course.

00:53:54 Speaker_01
But to not have a dessert at all, and to just have a cheese board, is absolute sacrilege. And I can't believe this is happening.

00:54:01 Speaker_00
I can't believe how angry you've got considering that I've ordered Arangini and then a fucking bacon roll and a cup of tea.

00:54:07 Speaker_02
Those things were great. I was alright with those things. I can't believe this has happened.

00:54:12 Speaker_00
I would like. There's some sweet stuff on the board, James, if that helps you.

00:54:17 Speaker_02
Natalie's doing proper mum voice at you now. Yes, I don't like this at all.

00:54:23 Speaker_00
A little dried apricot. Little dried figgy.

00:54:28 Speaker_01
Little dried figgy, James.

00:54:33 Speaker_00
Little figgy fig, James.

00:54:35 Speaker_01
This is revolting.

00:54:37 Speaker_00
I also like the biscuits, kind of the, you know, crackers, biscuits, savoury things that we have with cheese, with the fruit in.

00:54:44 Speaker_02
Those ones that are called biscuits for cheese, those ones.

00:54:48 Speaker_00
Yeah, those ones. They're really nice. They're great, aren't they?

00:54:50 Speaker_02
And there is a little bit of sweetness in there, isn't there?

00:54:52 Speaker_00
Yeah, there can be a little date in there.

00:54:55 Speaker_02
It makes it feel like a pudding, doesn't it, when there's a bit of sweetness?

00:54:58 Speaker_00
Yeah, that's enough sweetness for me.

00:55:00 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rounds off the meal nicely.

00:55:03 Speaker_00
Maybe a few fresh grapes, but I'm not overly bothered about that.

00:55:06 Speaker_02
Just leave them there, decoration.

00:55:07 Speaker_00
I prefer a little apple slice.

00:55:09 Speaker_02
Yeah, nice.

00:55:10 Speaker_00
Goes nicely with like a cheddar, yeah.

00:55:12 Speaker_02
So like a blue cheese? Absolutely horrible.

00:55:14 Speaker_00
Yeah, I would really like an extra mature cheddar, a really good one. Yeah, me too. I love an extra mature cheddar.

00:55:19 Speaker_02
With like the crystals in it sometimes.

00:55:20 Speaker_00
Yes, please.

00:55:21 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:22 Speaker_00
I'd go Cornish Cruncher. If I'm going into... I'd go a Cornish Cruncher for Marxies when I'm buying.

00:55:26 Speaker_02
Yeah, the number five. If it's got five on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:30 Speaker_00
Thank you.

00:55:33 Speaker_01
This is absolutely tragic.

00:55:36 Speaker_00
And then I'd go for a lovely... I'd go for a lovely blue. Nice blue, strong blue.

00:55:43 Speaker_02
Yeah, like a Stilton or something?

00:55:46 Speaker_00
Yeah, I'd go Stilton, and then I'd probably go for a little Gorgonzola. Oh, lovely.

00:55:49 Speaker_02
This is sad. Yeah, really nice. Really tasty. This is sad stuff.

00:55:54 Speaker_00
You don't need much, do you? Just a few things.

00:55:56 Speaker_02
You need the classics.

00:55:57 Speaker_00
As ridiculous as it sounds, I even like a Wensleydale with cranberries.

00:56:01 Speaker_02
Yeah, nice. And that's that sweet. That's almost like a dessert.

00:56:04 Speaker_00
I mean, that is a dessert.

00:56:04 Speaker_02
Yeah, yeah. It's not a dessert. None of this is dessert. None of this is a dessert. Fucking hell.

00:56:11 Speaker_00
So yeah, I'd have a few slivers of that, a little bit of fig, some lovely thin crispy crackers, biscuits and cheese. This is my doof doof.

00:56:19 Speaker_02
This is your doof doof?

00:56:22 Speaker_01
I'm getting doof doofed all over the shop by both of these fucking pricks.

00:56:26 Speaker_00
That's unnecessary. I've travelled down here from where I live, it's taken me an hour and a half to get to you and you call me a fucking prick.

00:56:34 Speaker_02
Yeah. You're lucky. I'm raining it in. He is raining it in. Normally he storms off. I'm raining it in. You're lucky I'm still even fucking here. Yeah. My God.

00:56:42 Speaker_00
He must be really hard to work with, Ed.

00:56:44 Speaker_02
He is sometimes, yeah. Especially when people pick a cheese board. Now, James.

00:56:48 Speaker_00
What going to change it, James?

00:56:49 Speaker_02
You've got to try and lift the atmosphere now for the end of the episode because you've got to read Natalie's menu back to her. She's lucky if I read that back to her. Well, I can read it back if you want. You don't do it like I do it.

00:57:00 Speaker_00
Would I be able to, with that course, can I just have a little glass of port with that?

00:57:05 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:57:05 Speaker_00
Thank you.

00:57:06 Speaker_02
Damn right. Well that's, yeah, I'm okay with the port. Yeah. That's nice. Is that nice? Yeah, the port's nice! This is just, this is mind-blowing.

00:57:18 Speaker_01
We were doing so well, San Pellegrino with the wedge of lime, the Bolognese Arangini with the truffle, bacon roll with the white crusty roll, salted butter, unsmoked gingerbread bacon, tomato sauce, mayo, with your dad's cup of tea, what a lovely beginning.

00:57:34 Speaker_01
and a pasta hack with a lobster and chili tagliolini or something. That sounded great. Mid-by steak, medium.

00:57:40 Speaker_02
Imagine a genuine waiter checking the order like this.

00:57:43 Speaker_01
I like the medium slide, but you've got your rocket and parmesan salad, that's nice. Steak and rice potatoes, I thought that was lovely, even though you weren't backing it. I thought that's good. That goes with the main.

00:57:53 Speaker_02
cold glass of Merceau wine. I've not tried that but I assume it's done. And then what? Just to get to the end of it and you've got fucking cheese board. Lovely. With a glass of port. But how? It's classic. This is a classic delicious meal.

00:58:08 Speaker_02
That is not delicious. We're in France, baby. We're not in France, baby.

00:58:12 Speaker_00
Do you not eat cheese, then? I eat cheese. You like cheese? You like cheese board just not for dessert? Not for dessert.

00:58:17 Speaker_01
I ain't having it as a dessert.

00:58:18 Speaker_00
No, no. It's insane that you... If I ate that... You've got a lot of anger issues, James.

00:58:23 Speaker_02
If I ate that... Yeah. Well, this is why I should be a character on EastEnders. I'd be good. They should write me as the cannibal. A cannibal can't get angry about someone having a cheese board. Oh, I think he could. He'd be very angry about that.

00:58:35 Speaker_02
I think even more angry than me. No, no way. A cannibal. He's got no basis to be angry about a cheese board if he's eating humans. You're about to say he's not got a leg to stand on and then realise that was a cannibal pun.

00:58:45 Speaker_02
Yeah, I didn't want you to chime in with it. Yeah, I would have done it. I didn't want to give you the room to do that. Yeah, I'll read you like a fucking book, mate.

00:58:54 Speaker_02
I saw the idea literally enter your head, written out like a cartoon, in a little thought bubble. Yeah, and I wasn't going to let you have it. Oh, I got it anyway. You can't hide your thoughts from me, Ed Gamble.

00:59:06 Speaker_02
So you're going into EastEnders as a cannibal and I'm going in as a figment of Sonya's imagination. Yeah.

00:59:11 Speaker_00
Wearing the dressing gown, please.

00:59:13 Speaker_02
Yeah, absolutely.

00:59:14 Speaker_00
We have to find it. That's the point where people know. It's when I come down the stairs in the dressing gown, and you're in the same dressing gown. That's the big reveal.

00:59:24 Speaker_02
But I should be wearing the child-size one. As an adult. As an adult.

00:59:28 Speaker_00
Do you want to reveal too much?

00:59:29 Speaker_02
No. It's half seven. Do you mean storyline-wise?

00:59:32 Speaker_00
Well, no, I'm thinking of this.

00:59:33 Speaker_02
Yeah, my Aaron genies.

00:59:34 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:59:38 Speaker_02
Natalie, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. I'm so sorry it's ended on such a sour note with James being a very grumpy little boy.

00:59:43 Speaker_00
Well, thank you so much for having me. It's been so lovely to see you both and sorry, James.

00:59:48 Speaker_01
Thank you for coming, Natalie. May you burn in hell.

00:59:58 Speaker_02
There we are, the brilliant Natalie Cassidy. Oh dear, James, that turned sour at the end, didn't it? Look, I felt betrayed. Because when we did Springleaf the audio sitcom, she never once mentioned that she likes cheeseboards.

01:00:10 Speaker_01
Yeah, if she had, would you have let her carry on?

01:00:13 Speaker_02
I would have fired her. Yeah. I would have fired her during Springleaf the audio sitcom and got someone else to do the part. That is, of course, available wherever you get your podcasts, Springleaf, the audio sitcom. Very, very good. It is indeed too.

01:00:26 Speaker_02
Wonderful cast. Wonderful cast. And Life With Nat is also available wherever you get your podcasts. So go and listen to that. Thank you very much for listening to this week's Off Menu. I'm so sorry James was such a horrible egg. What, the ending? Yes.

01:00:41 Speaker_02
Yeah, horrible. But at least she didn't say Guinea Fowler. Yes, she didn't say Guinea Fowler. And I was worried for a second there. Yeah. I wasn't. What do you think that would have been on the cheese board?

01:00:49 Speaker_02
If that was on the cheese board, I would have loved it. Oh, we're gonna pop a whole guinea fowl on it? She said, also, do you know what? I'm feeling flush. Put a guinea fowl on there. Yeah.

01:00:57 Speaker_02
I'd have been like, haha, you fell for the oldest trick in the book. Why would she be feeling flush and put a guinea fowl on? I don't know. Isn't that something people in EastEnders say? Feeling flush. Do you mean like got a bit of money knocking around?

01:01:09 Speaker_02
Yeah, or do you mean like they've gone red? I thought it's got a bit of money. Yeah. Yeah. Do you mean feeling flash? Oh, is that what it means? No, I think feeling flush could be you got a bit of money knocking around.

01:01:21 Speaker_02
Yeah, but why would that have she's like, oh, yeah, let's splash out on the guineafowl. Splash out on a guineafowl, put it on the cheese board. Yeah, it's like an option on the menu. Yeah. Extra tenner. Add a guineafowl.

01:01:31 Speaker_02
We'll put a guineafowl on the cheese board for you. That's a fucking weird restaurant. Yeah, hey, this is a crazy restaurant, man. Well, thank you so much to Natalie for coming on. We will see you next week. What, to Natalie?

01:01:42 Speaker_02
Are you saying that to Natalie? Because we won't see her next week. No, no, no. We will never see you ever again. No, I think we get her back on. On this podcast or socially. We get her back on to chat about cheese some more.

01:01:52 Speaker_02
Because whenever people make a cheese board, you have your tantrum and then I don't even get to talk to people about cheese properly. Well, why don't you do that as a spin-off series?

01:01:59 Speaker_02
Just you and all the people who chose cheese boards talking about cheese boards really in depth. You can do that. Yeah. Oh, I won't stand in your way. We'll add it to our Patreon. Oh yeah. Make sure you sign up to the Patreon. And we love all our patrons.

01:02:12 Speaker_02
Thank you to our patrons. There isn't a Patreon. Yet. Yet. Never say never. Never say never. But one of the additional things will be the cheese board files.

01:02:25 Speaker_02
There'll be the cheese board files and also multiple chances to win signed chopping boards by the great Benito.

01:02:32 Speaker_02
Just let us know if you've received your ones from the fruit salad competition because we're a bit worried that those haven't got to people.

01:02:38 Speaker_02
We're a bit worried that Benito lost track of when the fruit salad, how many things were in the fruit salad, when the fruit salad was over. We're a bit worried Benito lost track of that.

01:02:47 Speaker_02
Yeah, so make sure we get those fruit salad chopping boards out to the winners. Yeah. So just let us know if you've received one. If no one lets us know, we'll assume that it's not been done properly and we'll get Benito to go through the emails again.

01:03:00 Speaker_02
And if you've missed out on a chopping board, we're going to send you another chopping board. Yeah, absolutely. We'll send you another one for sure. It says sorry. It says sorry. Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye.