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Episode: Dr. Gabor Maté: The Shocking Link Between ADHD, Addiction, Autoimmune Diseases, & Trauma

Author: Mel Robbins
Duration: 01:04:51

Episode Shownotes

Today, Mel’s dream guest joins her in the Boston studios: Dr. Gabor Maté, MD.Dr. Maté is a world-renowned trauma expert, and shares things today unlike he has ever shared before.This wide-ranging conversation covers ADHD, autoimmune diseases, anxiety, addiction, people pleasing, and trauma. Dr. Maté will take you on a deep

dive into how your early life experiences can shape the way you feel and function today, both mentally and physically. This episode is about unlocking real healing and finding hope. Dr. Maté’s compassionate insights will show you how understanding your past can free you to make healthier choices right now.You’re about to discover powerful, science-backed ways to understand and care for yourself in ways you never have before. So, whether you’re on this journey for yourself or to help someone you love, this episode is for you.For more resources, including links to the studies mentioned in the episode, click here for the podcast episode page.If you liked this episode and want to reprogram your brain for more happiness and fulfillment, listen to this episode next: #1 Neurosurgeon: How to Manifest Anything You Want & Unlock the Unlimited Power of Your MindConnect with Mel: Watch the episodes on YouTubeGet Mel’s new book, The Let Them TheoryFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letterSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes.Disclaimer

Summary

In the latest episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Dr. Gabor Maté delves into the connections between ADHD, addiction, autoimmune diseases, and early trauma. He emphasizes that these conditions are not innate but shaped by childhood experiences, including emotional and environmental factors. Maté discusses the significance of understanding one’s past to facilitate true healing and advocates for a compassionate approach to mental health. He provides valuable insights into how early life experiences and personal reflection can lead to better self-care and understanding.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (Dr. Gabor Maté: The Shocking Link Between ADHD, Addiction, Autoimmune Diseases, & Trauma) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_01
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

00:00:08 Speaker_01
You know, when I started this podcast, I sat down and I made a list of dream guests, and I am so excited that you chose to listen to this episode, because today, one of those dream guests is sitting here in our Boston studios.

00:00:21 Speaker_01
His name is Dr. Gabor Mate. Now, Dr. Mate is a five-time New York Times bestselling author. He is one of the world's most respected and prolific experts on childhood development, trauma, and the impact that it has on who you become as an adult.

00:00:37 Speaker_01
And his work has profoundly changed my life.

00:00:42 Speaker_01
Around the world, he is considered the people whisperer because when he talks about the connection between your childhood and the things you struggle with right now as an adult, you're gonna feel so seen and so understood.

00:00:57 Speaker_01
And today, he's here to share a very provocative opinion. Dr. Mate believes that you are not born with conditions like ADHD, or addiction, or an autoimmune disorder, or the inability to say no, or being a people pleaser.

00:01:16 Speaker_01
Dr. Mate says these are conditions that are created by your childhood experience. Now, one of the things that I love about his work is that not only does he bring the science, he also removes the shame.

00:01:31 Speaker_01
None of what you experienced and how it impacted you is your fault.

00:01:35 Speaker_01
And when you understand the factors in your childhood that create people pleasing, ADHD, addiction, and health issues, and all the research and science that supports it, you are going to have a completely different roadmap to your own healing.

00:01:50 Speaker_01
In fact, you're gonna leave this conversation with five questions that Dr. Mate will tell you you need to ask yourself that are gonna help you take the very first step. Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so excited that you're here with me today.

00:02:10 Speaker_01
It is always an honor to be able to spend some time with you, to be together, to learn together. If you're brand new, I wanna take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. Super excited that you're here.

00:02:22 Speaker_01
And because you chose to listen to this episode, I know something about you. You're the type of person who values your time. And you're also in learning about simple ways that you can improve your own life. And I absolutely love that.

00:02:35 Speaker_01
And you know what I also love? I love that you and I are gonna get to spend time today learning from the extraordinary Dr. Gabor Mate.

00:02:42 Speaker_01
He's a world-renowned physician and New York Times bestselling author and a renowned addiction expert who dives deep into childhood development and the impact of physiological and psychological trauma and how it shapes our mental and physical health over your lifetime.

00:02:59 Speaker_01
And today specifically, you and I are going to dive deep with Dr. Mate into how ADHD, people-pleasing, addiction, your inability to say no, and autoimmune disorders are not things that you're born with. They were created by your childhood.

00:03:14 Speaker_01
So please help me welcome Dr. Gabor Mate to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

00:03:20 Speaker_02
Thank you, it's so nice to be here.

00:03:21 Speaker_01
It is such an honor to sit down with you and spend some time together today.

00:03:26 Speaker_03
Thank you.

00:03:27 Speaker_01
I'm really excited about the topic today and your work around how childhood conditions and experiences in your childhood are connected to ADHD, addiction, and autoimmune diseases and disorders. I have so many questions I want to ask you.

00:03:47 Speaker_01
Why don't we start with just your definition of what you're talking about when you mean childhood conditions so that as the person is listening to us today and spending time with us together, we're all using the same words and concepts and we kind of start on the same page.

00:04:06 Speaker_02
So child's conditions include the physical conditions, nutrition, housing, comfort, protection.

00:04:14 Speaker_02
but they also include the emotional conditions, which has to do with a child's sense of being accepted or being loved, or not just love, but actually being seen, understood. And also on the parents' emotional states. Are their parents stressed?

00:04:32 Speaker_02
Are their parents struggling with economic difficulties? Are their parents carrying traumas that they hadn't worked through yet, like I had when I was a young parent? Are the parents in a marriage that's relatively peaceful? Is there a lot of conflict?

00:04:51 Speaker_02
Is there a lot of instability? Is there unpredictability? What kind of community support there is? Is there an extended family that can spell off the parents and give them some kind of emotional support? Are they rather isolated?

00:05:04 Speaker_02
Are you a single parent struggling to make a living and raise a child? So all these conditions affect the personality and the brain development of the child.

00:05:16 Speaker_01
I know you wrote the original book on childhood development and ADHD, Scattered Minds, 25 years ago. It is still on the bestseller list when it comes to ADHD topics.

00:05:30 Speaker_01
I don't know if I'm going to say this correctly, but is it fair to say that your opinion is that your childhood and the conditions and the experiences that you have directly create or cause ADHD, addiction, and autoimmune issues?

00:05:46 Speaker_02
Yes, along with certain genetic predispositions. But I can talk about genetics later, but what I want to say about them now is a predisposition is not the same as a predetermination.

00:05:59 Speaker_02
So you can have predispositions, but then depending on the environmental conditions, those predispositions can be expressed one way or another way.

00:06:07 Speaker_02
So you can have animals with the same genes or humans with the same genes that have very different outcomes, depending on the kind of conditions under which their early years were spent under. So that's what I'm saying. Yes.

00:06:22 Speaker_02
And the first recognition of that in my life came when I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 53 or 52 or something.

00:06:29 Speaker_01
So I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 46 when our son, Oakley, was going through the process of going through neuropsych evaluations for schools and IEPs. And as they were doing his evaluations, I started going, oh, wait a minute.

00:06:46 Speaker_01
That's a lot like me.

00:06:48 Speaker_01
And then I went through the formal process of being evaluated and diagnosed dyslexia, ADHD, and I had never, ever, ever heard anyone connect your childhood and adverse conditions or conditions where you didn't get your needs met being a contributing factor or a cause of ADHD.

00:07:11 Speaker_01
How is that even possible?

00:07:12 Speaker_02
Well, it's possible because Western medicine separates the mind from the body. So they tend to look at things purely from a biological point of view. So ADHD is considered to be a genetic disease that you inherited. Here's the problem with that.

00:07:27 Speaker_02
Number one, if that's the case, why are the numbers going up? Genes don't change in a population over 10, 20 or 30 years. So something's going on in the environment that's affecting the child development.

00:07:36 Speaker_02
Number one, number two, even if you look at the physiology of the child's brain,

00:07:41 Speaker_02
What's not understood by most physicians, because it's not taught in the medical schools, but it's firmly and completely unequivocally and uncontroversially established in brain science, is that the brain is a social product, that the brain development of the child depends on the emotional conditions under which the child lives from in utero onwards.

00:08:02 Speaker_02
And so that the very circuitry of the child's brain is programmed by the action of the environment on the genes. So different environments will act differently on the same genes. No. If you look at ADHD, what's the medication that we give?

00:08:17 Speaker_02
I took it for a while. Stimulants. What do stimulants do? They elevate the level of a chemical called dopamine in the brain. And dopamine is essential for motivation and therefore for focus.

00:08:30 Speaker_02
And that's what Ritalin and Dexedrine and Adderall and all these medications elevate. No. The dopamine circuitry of the child's brain develops in interaction with the environment.

00:08:41 Speaker_02
And this is what most people who deal with ADHD just don't look at, even though it's just a pure scientific fact.

00:08:46 Speaker_02
You know, and a summary from Harvard University pointed out that the child's brain develops in interaction with the environment, especially the emotional relationship with the nurturing adults. Now, dopamine is a brain chemical.

00:09:00 Speaker_02
We have receptors forming in our brain. Receptors are molecules where the dopamine can land and do its job. The number of dopamine receptors in a child is affected by stress on the mother already in pregnancy, let alone afterwards.

00:09:16 Speaker_02
If you take mice and you isolate them, the number of dopamine receptors will go down. If you bring back into companionship, the number of dopamine receptors will elevate. In other words, the brain is a social organ.

00:09:32 Speaker_02
It's interactive with the environment all our lives, and therefore environmental conditions affect the brain, especially during its phase of early development. It's just pure science. It's not even controversial.

00:09:43 Speaker_02
So the problem here is the tendency of the medical profession in which I was trained is to separate the mind from the body and to look at brain biology in isolation from the life circumstances that shaped that brain biology. So that's one problem.

00:09:59 Speaker_01
So I'm going to try to distill what you just said. Because I've never heard it explained quite like that. And I believe you. What you're saying is that

00:10:14 Speaker_01
your brain is a social organ that is developed in partnership with your relationship to the adults around you when you're literally inside your mother's womb all the way until you are developing as a little kid.

00:10:34 Speaker_01
And if you are in a condition, whether it is

00:10:38 Speaker_01
the condition of being inside your mother's womb and your mother is depressed or experiencing racism or abuse or poverty or any of these things that create chronic stress on a human being, it impacts the development of your brain.

00:10:52 Speaker_01
And what you're also saying is that ADHD and the way that it is treated is typically through prescription drugs.

00:11:02 Speaker_03
That's right.

00:11:03 Speaker_01
That flood the brain with dopamine. Yeah.

00:11:06 Speaker_01
And that is what helps your underdeveloped brain, or whatever we want to call it, or the brain that's been impacted by stressful conditions during your childhood or your development in womb, and that the stressful conditions

00:11:25 Speaker_01
are what has interfered with the brain development.

00:11:31 Speaker_02
Can I ask you a quick question?

00:11:36 Speaker_01
I understand that when, as a human being, you're experiencing stress or you are experiencing a threat or you're feeling isolated and lonely and like you're invisible or nobody cares about you, that your body naturally switches from being present and in the prefrontal cortex to the amygdala taking over and you're now in like fight or flight.

00:11:59 Speaker_01
When you're in fight or flight and you're kind of in that stress response state, does it interfere with dopamine?

00:12:08 Speaker_02
It interferes with dopamine, it interferes with cortisol. It has an effect on the memory centers in the brain, like the hippocampus. It affects the amygdala, all those things.

00:12:19 Speaker_02
And if you look at children in poverty or who experience racialized circumstances, they're more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. The children of women with postpartum depression are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD.

00:12:33 Speaker_02
The children of women who are stressed during pregnancy are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. And there's this myth about it being genetic because it tends to run in families. Like you were diagnosed, your kids were diagnosed.

00:12:45 Speaker_02
I was diagnosed, a couple of my kids were diagnosed. But it's not because the so-called disease, first of all, it's not even a disease, but it's not because the so-called disease was passed on, but because the conditions that created the brain.

00:13:00 Speaker_02
They created your brain and were also then repeated in your children's childhood as in mine. So something running in a family says nothing about genetic causation.

00:13:12 Speaker_02
And going back to the fight or flight thing, if a child is feeling stressed, and by the way, I think there is something genetic here and what is genetic here is sensitivity.

00:13:22 Speaker_02
And the more sensitive kids are, the more they feel what's going on around them. So if the family, if the parents are stressed, the child feels the stress. Can the child escape or fight back?

00:13:32 Speaker_03
No.

00:13:33 Speaker_02
What do they do? They tune out. But when did they tune out? They tune out when their brain is developing. So that gets wired into the brain. And now they're told you've got this genetic disease. No, you don't.

00:13:44 Speaker_02
It's an adaptation that began as an adaptation. And as with many of these sheltered adaptations, later on they create problems. So they serve their purpose, but now they are wired in and, you know, not to mention, if you look at the traits of ADHD,

00:14:03 Speaker_02
and which is the absent-mindedness, the tuning out.

00:14:07 Speaker_02
And then the other traits of ADHD are poor impulse regulation, which means that when you want to do something like, I might have an impulse to do something, there's nothing wrong with the impulse, but there's something wrong with me acting out the impulse.

00:14:23 Speaker_02
But impulse regulation depends on certain circuitry in the brain. No baby is an impulse regulation. It has to develop. For anything that's developmental, the conditions have to be right.

00:14:35 Speaker_02
If a plant in your backyard wasn't growing the way you expected it, you'd look at what's missing here. Nutrition, sunlight, irrigation. It's the same with kids.

00:14:47 Speaker_02
When they've got these challenges, let's look at the conditions that shape their development. So impulse regulation is another brain circuitry that doesn't develop well in people with ADHD.

00:14:58 Speaker_02
And incidentally, in people who are addicted, which is why there's such a great link between addictions and ADHD. And then the third one is, which is sometimes they're not always hyperactivity. Yeah. More tends to be there more in boys.

00:15:10 Speaker_00
Boys, not girls, yep.

00:15:11 Speaker_02
And the regulation of the body is a function of the mid frontal cortex. That has to do. So under conditions of stress, given that the brain is a social organ and it's also a historical organ, do you know that?

00:15:25 Speaker_02
Does the name Bruce Perry mean anything to you?

00:15:27 Speaker_01
Is he in Wisconsin?

00:15:29 Speaker_02
I don't know where he is, but he's a well-known child trauma psychiatrist.

00:15:32 Speaker_01
Yes, I believe he's in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I think. But don't quote me on that. Did he write the book with Oprah Winfrey?

00:15:36 Speaker_02
Yeah, he wrote the book. What happened to you? And he says the brain is a historical organ. So it stores the impacts of life experiences.

00:15:45 Speaker_02
So when we look at brain biology, let's not think that the biology is somehow distinct and separated from life experience. So there's no fault laying here. And sometimes I do get accused of blaming parents. It's the last thing I want to do.

00:16:00 Speaker_01
I don't hear you blaming parents. I hear you talking very factually.

00:16:03 Speaker_02
No, but there's a very well-known ADHD psychologist who goes on YouTube and says, I blame parents. And I don't actually. I think parents do their best. They love their kids, but their best is limited by their own particular challenges and limitations.

00:16:18 Speaker_02
You know, there's no parent blaming here, but we have to recognize the importance and the impact of early experiences. So what I'm saying is, ADHD is the result of all that stress and its impact on the brains of especially genetically sensitive kids.

00:16:34 Speaker_02
That's what's inherited is the sensitivity. But if there was only the sensitivity and optimal conditions, they'd never have ADHD. So it's not the ADHD that's inherited, it's the sensitivity. That's the good news.

00:16:48 Speaker_02
If you were a parent with a kid with ADHD, and if I was a doctor, and I said to you, madam, your kid's got this genetic condition, brain biology, nothing we can do about it, but here's some medication.

00:16:59 Speaker_02
Or if I said to you, Mel, you know, your child's got this condition, your child's very sensitive, very responsive to the environment.

00:17:08 Speaker_02
And even now at age eight or age 16 or whenever, if we can go in different conditions, the brain can still develop in different ways. Which message would you rather go with?

00:17:17 Speaker_00
The second.

00:17:18 Speaker_02
Yeah, of course. This is a much more optimistic and much more science based attitude.

00:17:23 Speaker_02
But unfortunately, again, given the dominance of pharmaceutical companies and the biological mindedness or what they call biological society, which is just fixating on the biology and fixing it rather than looking at the conditions that shape the biology, we're very much stuck in a state where

00:17:41 Speaker_02
Hundreds of thousands and millions of kids are being medicated. And I'm not against medications. I've prescribed them, I've taken them, but they're not the answer.

00:17:49 Speaker_01
What's fascinating is that when you really wrap your brain around it, it makes a lot of sense.

00:17:53 Speaker_01
I'm sure you're familiar with that metaphor, it's not the most elegant metaphor, that the genetics loads the gun, but the environment that pulls the trigger, which means you come into this world predisposed to certain things, but it's the environment that either deactivates or activates what you're predisposed to.

00:18:14 Speaker_01
So that makes perfect sense. And the other thing that makes perfect sense in terms of my lived experience is being diagnosed with ADHD late in life and also having a son and two daughters that have ADHD.

00:18:30 Speaker_01
We were in Boston in a very competitive public school system, in the go, go, go, both spouses working, running to the club sports, doing this, doing that, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. When we moved to Southern Vermont, open space.

00:18:46 Speaker_03
Amazing. Things change.

00:18:49 Speaker_01
You change because the environment changes.

00:18:52 Speaker_01
And if you just think about being on vacation, you leave the go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

00:19:08 Speaker_01
you change. And so I feel, because I was about to ask you, well, why does this matter to know this?

00:19:15 Speaker_01
But I feel that it matters deeply because if environmental conditions can shape your brain as a child, and we know that the brain develops and grows and changes through neuroplasticity through your entire life, then environmental changes, I suppose,

00:19:32 Speaker_01
also help you change and address these conditions?

00:19:36 Speaker_02
Absolutely. And so when a family with ADHD child would come to me, once I had this recognition, I would say, well, we can consider medication in the short term if we need to, but it's not the first step. It's never should be the only step.

00:19:53 Speaker_02
Can we look at the family atmosphere? Can we look at the relationship between the parents? Can we look at the stresses in the family? Can you understand the child's behavior in a way that doesn't blame the child?

00:20:04 Speaker_02
Because these kids tend to be blamed a lot for how they behave. Now we talk about this phrase acting out. Kids are acting out, which usually means they're being obstreperous, oppositional, defiant or non-cooperative or rude or something.

00:20:19 Speaker_01
It means they're not doing what the parent wants them to do.

00:20:21 Speaker_02
But let's look at the phrase acting out is English meaning. We have something, but we don't have the language to say it in words. So in the game of charades, when you're not allowed to speak, what do you have to do? Act it out.

00:20:34 Speaker_02
These kids behaviors are simply acting out their emotional needs and dynamics. It's up to the parents to understand that rather than just to respond or react to the behavior in a controlling or punitive way.

00:20:46 Speaker_02
let's understand what is being acted out, which is one of the reasons I wrote that book, is I want parents to understand what is being acted out in this child's behavior.

00:20:55 Speaker_02
And if you change the relationship to the child, the child's behavior will change. So it's not behavior control, it's actually promoting different conditions that'll support the child's healthy development.

00:21:08 Speaker_01
You know, this reminds me of something that's always really just made me feel very heartbroken about the state of society in the world, particularly in the United States.

00:21:21 Speaker_01
And that is when I was going through this experience where my husband and I were having our son go through the process of all the evaluations, the school kept saying, this is behavioral behavior. And we were like, I don't think so. I don't think so.

00:21:37 Speaker_01
And so we were in a position to be able to have him tested here in Boston at Mass General, outside the school. And just three years prior, we would not have been able to afford to do that.

00:21:51 Speaker_03
I understand.

00:21:55 Speaker_01
That diagnosis and understanding that his brain and the way that he learned and the development of his brain was just different. That's right. And changed the trajectory of his life and my life.

00:22:07 Speaker_01
And before I did what I do now, earlier in my career, I was a public defender in Manhattan.

00:22:15 Speaker_03
Yeah, I read that.

00:22:16 Speaker_01
Doing criminal defense work.

00:22:17 Speaker_03
Yeah.

00:22:18 Speaker_01
The statistics of people who are incarcerated,

00:22:26 Speaker_01
Yes, with ADHD, with learning differences who were never diagnosed, who when you trace it back to what you're saying, childhood conditions, a parent who is absent, chronic racism, which is a form of trauma, it makes

00:22:42 Speaker_01
very depressing and sad and unfair sense. Absolutely.

00:22:47 Speaker_01
And I think a lot about the fact that it's simply because we were able to at that moment in our lives to be able to afford a test that sent him in one direction when kids who don't have that are sent in a different one.

00:23:02 Speaker_02
Yeah, by actually hurting people for having been hurt. Yes. And then they act out that hurt and then we blame them for it rather than understand what that's all about. Let me say something else. The diagnosis doesn't explain anything.

00:23:15 Speaker_01
What do you mean the diagnosis doesn't mean anything?

00:23:17 Speaker_02
So Nael or Gabor have ADHD. How do we know? Well, they're absent-minded, they have poor impulse regulation and they're hyperactive. Why are they absent-minded and have poor impulse regulation? And why do they have hyperactivity? Because they have ADHD.

00:23:32 Speaker_02
How do we know they have ADHD? Because they're hyperactive, they tune out and they have poor impulse control. Why do they? It's circular. Yes. It's not an explanation. It's a description. And we mistake

00:23:46 Speaker_02
medical practice tends to mistake descriptions for explanations. They're not. If you want to know why they're hyperactive, or lacking post-regulation, or tend to tune out, you got to look at their lives, as those lives acted on their genes.

00:24:04 Speaker_02
That's the explanation. The diagnosis describes something, but it doesn't explain anything.

00:24:10 Speaker_01
But understanding this helps you also understand the role that environment and how this happened.

00:24:17 Speaker_02
I think descriptions are helpful. We just mustn't mistake them for explanations. That's all.

00:24:22 Speaker_01
That makes a lot of sense. Dr. Maté, let's take a quick pause. I would love our sponsors to have a chance to say a few words. And while you're listening to the sponsors, please share this episode with somebody that you care about.

00:24:35 Speaker_01
Absolutely every human being that you know and love deserves this information because once you kind of understand things, you are now empowered to make them better. And don't go anywhere because we're going to be waiting for you after a short break.

00:24:49 Speaker_01
Stay with us. Hey, it's Mel. I'm coming in here with my own ad. I am beyond excited to tell you that my new book, The Let Them Theory, is available for pre-order. Holy smokes, I have never worked harder on anything in my entire life.

00:25:05 Speaker_01
I have never been more proud of something that I have done. I wrote every single word in this book. It's about the most powerful tool I've ever discovered, The Let Them Theory. And right now, go to LetThem.com, pre-order your own copy.

00:25:19 Speaker_01
And this book, it's gonna change how you think about your entire life, and finally, stop you from getting in your own way. LetThem.com, you won't regret it.

00:25:33 Speaker_01
Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and today, you and I are spending time with the extraordinary Gabor Maté, and we're learning all about how your childhood impacted who you became as an adult. So I have another question for you.

00:25:44 Speaker_01
You know, you mentioned addiction, and there is a lot of research that shows a direct link between ADHD and addiction. And what does your research and experience show about your childhood experience and conditions and the connection to addiction?

00:26:05 Speaker_02
So for 12 years, I worked in Vancouver, British Columbia's downtown Eastside, which is North America's most concentrated area of drug use.

00:26:13 Speaker_02
We have more drug users there in a few square block radius than anywhere in the States or anywhere else in Canada. In fact, anywhere in Europe. Wow. So I was there for 12 years.

00:26:25 Speaker_02
A significant percentage of my patients clearly had ADHD that had not been diagnosed. Now, let's look at the commonalities. First of all, both addicts and people with ADHD lack impulse control.

00:26:37 Speaker_02
Like somebody said about addiction, is that the problem in addiction is not lack of free will, but lack of free won't.

00:26:44 Speaker_02
lack of a free won't won't oh they have nothing to say no with because that circuitry didn't develop okay number one number two addictions all work on the dopamine system which is what is affected in ADHD as well so stimulant addicts like crystal meth addicts cocaine addicts nicotine addicts

00:27:06 Speaker_02
caffeine addicts, they're literally boosting their dopamine levels, which is precisely what's the issue in ADHD is as well. So if you look at the studies, something like about 30% or more of stimulant addicts actually are diagnosable with ADHD.

00:27:23 Speaker_02
But again, this is studied and reported, but not much is done with it in medical practice. Furthermore, all addictions, no matter what they are, they work on the dopamine circuitry.

00:27:37 Speaker_02
I will define addiction for you as manifested in any behavior in which a person finds temporary relief or pleasure. and therefore craves but then suffers negative consequences as a result of and doesn't give up despite the harm.

00:27:53 Speaker_02
So craving pleasure relief in the short term, harm, inability to give it up. That's what an addiction is. Now, let me just go sideways a little bit.

00:28:01 Speaker_03
Okay.

00:28:02 Speaker_02
Let me ask you a question and you've already answered it. According to that, notice I didn't say anything about drugs. I said any behavior.

00:28:09 Speaker_02
Now, if I speak to a room of a thousand people and I give that definition and I say, according to that definition, which is not controversial, if you ever had an addictive pattern in your life, just raise your hand.

00:28:20 Speaker_02
And out of a thousand, 999 will raise their hands. And this one liar who won't, you know, but basically it's almost everybody. Now, here's the second question.

00:28:31 Speaker_02
And I don't care what your addictive patterns were, whether they were to alcohol, which you mentioned, or to whatever else. No one was wrong with it. But what was right about it? What did it give you in the short term that you wanted?

00:28:44 Speaker_02
So what did it give you?

00:28:46 Speaker_01
Oh, well, with alcohol, it was like a sense of belonging and relief, and it was a way to turn my brain off. Okay. And to escape.

00:28:54 Speaker_02
Okay. When do people need to escape?

00:28:56 Speaker_01
When they're stressed.

00:28:56 Speaker_02
When they're suffering.

00:28:58 Speaker_01
Yeah.

00:28:58 Speaker_02
Okay. So the addiction wasn't the disease that you had. It wasn't your primary problem. It was an attempt to solve the problem of emotional pain and isolation. So my mantra on addiction is don't ask why the addiction, ask why the pain.

00:29:13 Speaker_02
And if you want to understand the pain, look at the person's life rather than just their genes. Okay.

00:29:22 Speaker_02
So both people who are addicted and people who did ADHD often share this genes for sensitivity, which means they suffer more when circumstances aren't right. And so the most, obviously the conditions will go together.

00:29:38 Speaker_02
And furthermore, to go back to dopamine, the shopping addict, the gambling addict, the pornography addict, the social media addict, the social media, and I have had my behavior, the gaming addiction addict, the busyness, you know what they're after?

00:29:51 Speaker_02
They're after a hit of dopamine in the brain, which they get through seeking that behavior.

00:29:56 Speaker_01
And then you feel bad, though, that you did it.

00:29:58 Speaker_02
Well, yeah, and I had my behavior addictions. But what I'm saying is it's all based partly on the dopamine circuitry, which didn't develop, which didn't develop the way it should have because of your childhood. Exactly.

00:30:10 Speaker_02
So now you have to get your dopamine hit through pornography. And if you do brain scans on pornography addicts, they get multiple spikes of dopamine hits in their brain when they're just like a drug addict. Yeah.

00:30:21 Speaker_01
It makes absolutely perfect sense. How do you what do you do if you're listening to this and you either you yourself are recognizing. this is you or you're like, you are describing my spouse or my adult child or my parent or whomever in my life.

00:30:38 Speaker_01
Like, what do you do with this particular information of the connection between childhood conditions and development and ADHD and addiction?

00:30:47 Speaker_02
May I just say one more thing about the brain?

00:30:49 Speaker_01
Please.

00:30:49 Speaker_02
Yeah. Opiates.

00:30:51 Speaker_01
Okay.

00:30:52 Speaker_02
So people get addicted to heroin or Oxycontin or Dilaudid, Hydromorphone or Codeine or whatever, you know, fentanyl, unfortunately, which is a very dangerous one. These are opiates.

00:31:03 Speaker_02
They come from the opium plant in Afghanistan or they're human manufactured copies of the same molecule. Now, why do opiates, why does a plant from Afghanistan work in the human brain here in the States?

00:31:20 Speaker_00
I don't know.

00:31:21 Speaker_02
Well, because the opiate molecule, we have receptors for it in our brains, which means we have our internal opiate system. This is just pure brain science. And the opiate system is called endorphins.

00:31:37 Speaker_02
Endorphin means endogenous internal morphine-like substance. So we have an opiate system in our bodies, which affects many functions in our body from the gut to the immune system. But what do they do in the brain?

00:31:50 Speaker_02
If we understand opiate addiction, we have to understand what do endorphins do in the human trajectory. First of all, they provide pain relief. both physical and emotional pain relief. Internal endorphins do that.

00:32:04 Speaker_02
We have to have pain in life because without pain we don't survive because we can hurt ourselves, but we also have pain relief. So endorphins relieve pain, but not just physical pain, also emotional pain.

00:32:15 Speaker_02
Because the part of the brain where people experience physical pain, the suffering of physical pain, it's also where they experience the suffering of emotional pain. So the endorphins, the opiates work there. That's their first role.

00:32:29 Speaker_02
The second role, along with dopamine, is to give you a sense of pleasure, elation, and joy. But that's rather important in human life, because human life is difficult. So we have to have some expectation of pleasure, joy, relief.

00:32:43 Speaker_02
That's what the opiates do. That's the second thing they do. But the third thing they do, they facilitate a little thing called love. Endorphins help to feel us connected to other people.

00:32:56 Speaker_02
And particularly, they help feel parents connected to their kids, without which the child doesn't survive. And if you take little animals and you knock out their opiate receptors, they will not call for their mothers on separation.

00:33:11 Speaker_02
What would that do to them? It would kill them in the wild. So that's what important to opiates are. Now, Who are these people that develop opiate addictions? People whose lives have undermined their opiate circuitry.

00:33:25 Speaker_02
And I had a sex trade worker in the downtown east side of Vancouver. I asked her, what did the heroin do for you? She said, the first time I did heroin, it felt like a warm, soft hug.

00:33:36 Speaker_02
So just like the alcohol, which gave you a more sense of belonging, it gave her a sense of being loved, a sense of warmth. That's why people get addicted. It's because they suffered that early pain and they're trying to escape from.

00:33:49 Speaker_02
And because their brain circuitry was affected by adverse conditions so that these circuits didn't develop optimally. And now they have to substitute, you know, so that's, that's, that's a shinny on addiction. It's not an inherited disease.

00:34:05 Speaker_02
It's a response to the environment and it's not genetic. Contrary to what 99% of physicians believe.

00:34:12 Speaker_01
The reason why this is so important is because there is so much shame and self-blame when you have an addiction or you have something that you're struggling with like ADHD.

00:34:26 Speaker_01
And when you understand the brain circuitry and the connection to brain development and human development and childhood conditions and experiences and how that has a direct impact on the working and wiring of the functioning of your brain,

00:34:41 Speaker_01
you can separate yourself as a human being from the thing that caused this. And then that allows you from that moment of separation and detachment and objectivity to go, oh, wait a minute, I'm not to blame for this.

00:34:58 Speaker_01
This is a circuitry and a conditioning problem. And now it's my responsibility to do what I need to do with this to heal it and make it better.

00:35:10 Speaker_02
Exactly right. And to go back to your question about now what do we do with this information? If you are parents of a child who's been diagnosed with ADHD, then make a considered decision about whether you want the kid medicated or not.

00:35:26 Speaker_02
Medications can sometimes help, sometimes they cause side effects. No child should be forced to be on medication because no child at any age should get the message that they're only acceptable to the adults when their brain is sedated.

00:35:39 Speaker_02
You don't want to give that message to any child, but they can help sometimes to mitigate symptoms. They do nothing for brain development in the long term.

00:35:48 Speaker_02
So then the question is, can we create in this family better conditions for that child's brain to function? develop in more optimal ways. And yes, we can.

00:35:57 Speaker_02
And that has a lot to do with the emotional atmosphere in the family and the degree of understanding and connection, not love, because that's already there, but the actual understanding and connection between the parents and the child.

00:36:09 Speaker_02
And I mean, that book's been out 25 years and I've been told by so often that it totally changed the family just to read that book, you know, and it totally changed their children.

00:36:18 Speaker_01
Well, it's very empowering because I think if you're the person struggling with the addiction or ADHD or a condition like that, you feel deficient, you feel...

00:36:29 Speaker_01
that you've done something wrong and you can never heal while you're punishing yourself at the same time.

00:36:35 Speaker_02
And the world is punishing you. Yes. Teachers are punishing you. That's true. Your parents are exasperated with you. Yes. When it comes to treating addiction, then it's very complex, but the person again needs to understand there's nothing wrong with them.

00:36:52 Speaker_02
They weren't born with any kind of disease. That addiction is a perfectly normal response to abnormal circumstances. I mean, look at all the veterans who are traumatized and they become alcoholics or opiate addicts.

00:37:03 Speaker_01
And then there's the opposite study about the veterans from Vietnam who were using opioids in Vietnam, but then came home to a supportive environment and were not addicted.

00:37:16 Speaker_02
Exactly. I quote that study in my book on addiction because it's such a salient fact. In fact, it's been done with laboratory rats, you know, where they took laboratory rats and exposed them to different environmental conditions.

00:37:32 Speaker_02
And they tried to get them addicted to opioids. Now, those rats that were stressed and isolated and under adverse conditions, they very easily became addicted to opioids. The rats with good conditions, you couldn't even make them addicted to opioids.

00:37:45 Speaker_02
It doesn't matter how much you gave them.

00:37:49 Speaker_01
If the environment is actually creating the conditions in your brain and body for addiction and ADHD, then the environment is a huge piece of you healing this and growing in new ways and figuring out new adaptations for how to heal.

00:38:06 Speaker_02
Well, and I think it's not an individual process. It should be for most, but you need the social help. That's what the 12 step groups are. I have my critiques of them, but the 12 steps themselves, I think are wonderful.

00:38:19 Speaker_02
And the group process is wonderful where people can share themselves and be heard compassionately and not be shamed. They can declare their so-called dysfunctions and be accepted.

00:38:30 Speaker_02
You know, so I think it's not just an individual process, but I think what's missing from the 12-step rules, unfortunately, is awareness of Trump, which is interesting because Bill W, the original founder, was an abandoned child. traumatized.

00:38:46 Speaker_02
And for some reason, trauma hasn't entered the conversation of the positive movement as much as I'd like to see it done. But again, healing should not be just seen as an individual process. It should be seen as a social process.

00:39:00 Speaker_02
And people that deal with addictions, they need to understand trauma.

00:39:05 Speaker_01
Gabor, I've never heard it explained like that. That makes so much sense. And this feels like a good time to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors.

00:39:16 Speaker_01
And while you're listening to our sponsors, take a moment and share this with somebody that you care about, because there's no doubt in my mind that this can help change somebody else's life.

00:39:26 Speaker_01
And don't go anywhere, because we have so much more to dig into with you, and we're gonna be waiting for you after a short break. So stay with us. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins.

00:39:43 Speaker_01
And today you and I are with the extraordinary Dr. Gabor Maté. So Dr. Maté, I have another question.

00:39:49 Speaker_01
What do you think is missing from the conversation that women need to know when it comes to diagnosing and supporting women who are largely getting late in life diagnoses of ADHD?

00:40:01 Speaker_02
Yeah, I have to think here. I think what happens is when women get older, they tend to get a bit less repressed.

00:40:10 Speaker_02
and the tendencies that are in them that they've tried to kind of control in order to be acceptable and to fit in, it becomes intolerable for them.

00:40:19 Speaker_02
Particularly perimenopausally, it becomes a real chore for them to continue to fit the stereotype in which they were molded. So I think whatever's in them is more likely to show up. And I would say to them, what I say to anybody,

00:40:36 Speaker_02
get curious about what is being manifested in this condition.

00:40:42 Speaker_01
You know, in your book Hungry Ghosts, you mention your own struggles with addictions to praise, even to classical music.

00:40:50 Speaker_02
Not to the music, sorry, to shopping for classical music. There's a distinction.

00:40:55 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:40:56 Speaker_02
I love the music, But that doesn't make me an addict. That just makes me a music lover. It's the shopping. I would drop $3,000 in a music store and go back two hours later because I had to get the next one. Typical addictive behavior.

00:41:10 Speaker_02
So it's the shopping that I was addicted to. It's not the having, but to the acquisition. And you know what? When I was in the classical music store, I had no ADHD. I had high dopamine levels. I was focused. I can almost remember

00:41:26 Speaker_02
which record did I buy in which store, you know, or which CD. So just to make the distinction, it's not the music, it's the shopping I was addicted to.

00:41:34 Speaker_01
I love that distinction because I can relate to it. I think in the biggest moments of crisis in my life, like facing bankruptcy, literally about to lose it all, if I had a tiny bit of money, I would go to the mall as an escape.

00:41:52 Speaker_01
I would say given that daily addiction, whether it's the mom pouring a couple glasses of wine at night or it is just scrolling for three hours or it is mindlessly shopping or whatever it may be, what strategies have you found most effective in really

00:42:12 Speaker_01
either controlling or managing through these tendencies or patterns of behavior that so many of us have.

00:42:20 Speaker_02
Well, here's where we have to make a distinction between drug addictions and behavior addictions. Yes. Because drug addictions become a chemical problem and people go through withdrawal and that has to be managed and all that.

00:42:32 Speaker_02
Now the behavior addicts, by the way, also go through withdrawal. but it's less noticeable. Like with my work addiction, my workaholism, when I was at home, I'd go through, I'd be irritable and depressed.

00:42:42 Speaker_02
That's withdrawal because the dopamine wasn't flowing, you know? So, but obviously it's more easily manageable. So I say two things. One is let's look at the need that is serving in your life.

00:42:54 Speaker_01
What is the need it is serving in your life? Well, doom scrolling for me, the need is to tune out.

00:43:00 Speaker_02
No, that's not the need. What is the need for tuning out, serving your life?

00:43:06 Speaker_01
Oh, boy. Oh, I have no joy, play or relax.

00:43:13 Speaker_02
Okay, so you don't know how to, you're not comfortable with yourself. You need to, you can't just be, you have to be doing and your attention is to be external. That goes back to your childhood.

00:43:27 Speaker_02
It means that you weren't comfortable and you develop that comfort with the self. You develop that sense of your own goodness and validity.

00:43:36 Speaker_02
And so that when you're alone and you're not doing something, there's distress and your mind is going all over the place. So that's the need that it's serving. So then you say, well, it's meeting this need to escape from myself.

00:43:50 Speaker_02
How can I learn to be with myself? So what techniques, what could I do? And there's ways to do that.

00:43:57 Speaker_02
I mean, I have many suggestions in my books, but essentially it's recognizing the need that's being met, not invalidating the need, validating the need, but recognizing that the behavior itself only temporarily soothes it, but it doesn't meet the need.

00:44:14 Speaker_01
Well, I feel like I've been fixing the wrong problem because I'm focused on don't drink the drink, don't pick up the phone, and what you're saying is, no, no, no, you're like over here looking at this thing.

00:44:24 Speaker_01
There's a deeper issue about just learning to be with yourself, about learning to be in the 5 to 7 p.m. time zone and be okay with all that comes up and know that you can move through it without pouring a drink.

00:44:40 Speaker_02
That's the whole point. And there's nothing wrong with saying, don't drink. I mean, all that is only that it doesn't deal with the fundamental need. So let's recognize the need. Those needs are valid.

00:44:51 Speaker_02
You need for social contact or not being isolated, social isolation, which you interpreted as rejection. And your husband points out, you're not being rejected. They just, you know, something else.

00:45:01 Speaker_02
But your childhood programming tells you that it's rejected.

00:45:04 Speaker_01
It's true. So does everything come back to our childhood?

00:45:07 Speaker_02
Yes. Pretty much. That's why we're shaped. Look, have you ever had a puppy dog?

00:45:12 Speaker_00
Yes. Two.

00:45:14 Speaker_02
Okay. Well, tell me about them. I mean, how you treat that puppy will not define to a significant degree what kind of creature they're going to be.

00:45:21 Speaker_01
It's true.

00:45:22 Speaker_02
Yeah. Well, this here means infinitely more complex than puppy dogs. And it's totally true. So what I'm saying is recognize the need, validate the need, but then ask the question, okay, how can I meet that need in ways that are not harmful?

00:45:39 Speaker_01
One of the things that you're talking a lot about is the connection between childhood conditions and experiences, how they shape you and the significant rise in autoimmune disorders and diseases in women.

00:45:52 Speaker_02
You know, there are 80% of people, 80% of autoimmune disease, which are diseases where the immune system attacks the body that is supposed to protect.

00:46:00 Speaker_01
What are a few examples of an autoimmune disease?

00:46:03 Speaker_02
Multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus, probably fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease, forms of psoriasis, autoimmune eczema, scleroderma. I could go on and on.

00:46:18 Speaker_02
There's about a hundred or so of these and 80% of them happen to women. Why?

00:46:24 Speaker_02
So in my medical practice, I began to notice, and here's my advantage over my specialist colleagues, is that they know a lot more about certain body parts and systems as they should, but they don't know the patient.

00:46:37 Speaker_02
I knew people before they got sick and I knew them in the context of their families of origin and the extended family very often. So I got to see who got sick and who didn't. And when I was in palliative care, again, I saw

00:46:52 Speaker_02
who ended up in buyer of care and who didn't. And these people had four significant characteristics. One is they tended to put other people's emotional needs ahead of their own, and they tend to ignore their own. Number one.

00:47:06 Speaker_02
Number two, they tended to identify with duty, role, and responsibility rather than the needs of the self. Number three, they tended to be very nice, which means they repressed healthy anger. The healthy anger is a boundary defense.

00:47:23 Speaker_02
And these people tended to be very nice. And number four, these people tended to believe that they're responsible for other people feel, which is a point that you address in your book, Let Them.

00:47:35 Speaker_02
And they just believe that they will never disappoint anybody. Now, those beliefs lead you into not saying no to the demands of the world. and you're constantly taking on stuff and stress and other people's stress, you get stressed.

00:47:51 Speaker_02
That stress undermines the immune system, which then turns against you. Now, and I could explain the physiology of it.

00:47:57 Speaker_02
And by the way, people, because the immune system and the hormonal apparatus and the nervous system and the emotional system are one system. They're not separate. They're wired together in a whole lot of chemical and neurological ways.

00:48:15 Speaker_02
I'm not making this up. This is science. Science is called psychoneuroimmunology, where psychology and neurology, immunology, and endocrinology, the hormones, it's all one system.

00:48:26 Speaker_02
People that repress healthy anger, they're suppressing their immune system biologically. Now, if you understand that it's all one system, And if you ask why, well, what is the role of healthy anger? It's a boundary defense.

00:48:43 Speaker_02
What is the role of the immune system? It's a boundary defense. It's meant to let in what is good and nurturing, keep out what is toxic and dangerous.

00:48:51 Speaker_02
When you're suppressing your emotions, you're also messing with your immune system, because it's all one.

00:48:58 Speaker_01
It's almost like you're training your immune system not to protect you from the outside. That's what happens.

00:49:06 Speaker_02
And the auto-turn against you, like anger that you repress turns against you in the form of depression or self-loathing.

00:49:12 Speaker_01
The same way that your negative thoughts, where you think you're to blame for all of the stuff going on when you're a child that are not your responsibility, turns into the negative self-talk that's aimed against you.

00:49:23 Speaker_02
Same way the immune system turns against you. Wow.

00:49:26 Speaker_01
That makes so much sense.

00:49:27 Speaker_02
Well, physiologically, it's just a fact. Now, why is it women?

00:49:30 Speaker_02
Because who in this culture is programmed to always looking after everybody's emotional needs, taking everybody's stresses, identify with the duties and their role, be nice all the time, not be angry in a healthy way, and to take responsibility for other people's feelings.

00:49:46 Speaker_02
It's women. It's not a gender issue. It's a cultural issue. And of course, The more stress the woman experiences, the greater the risk of autoimmune disease.

00:49:58 Speaker_02
So if you look at minority women, they have a higher percentage because they're women and they're minority.

00:50:03 Speaker_01
I was just about to ask you whether or not there were studies for minority women and people that are in first responder roles.

00:50:11 Speaker_02
Many studies. And in Canada, an Indigenous woman has six times the rate of rheumatoid arthritis than somebody else. And this is in a population that never used to have rheumatoid arthritis. And by the way, again, are we blaming people here?

00:50:29 Speaker_02
No, we're not. Because we have to look at what happened here. What happened here is the child is born with all these emotions wired into their brains. But the child has two big needs here.

00:50:38 Speaker_02
The need for attachment, for belonging, for being held, for being accepted, supported and so on. That's a need that you have. It's not negotiable. Without it, there's an infant, there's a young child.

00:50:48 Speaker_03
You die.

00:50:49 Speaker_02
You die. Yeah. So that's one need. But you have another need as well, which I call authenticity, which means being connected to your emotions and your gut feelings.

00:50:59 Speaker_02
Now in any audience, when I ask people, have you had the experience of having a strong gut feeling about something, ignoring it and being sorry afterwards, most people put their hands up. You probably would. No.

00:51:13 Speaker_02
Gut feelings were programmed into us by evolution. we evolved out in nature. For millions of years, hundreds of thousands of years, we lived out in nature. How long does any creature in nature survive if they don't pay attention to their gut feelings?

00:51:26 Speaker_01
not until the end of the day. You're goner.

00:51:29 Speaker_02
That's the point. So we have this two-kneed attachment and authenticity, being connected to ourselves.

00:51:35 Speaker_02
Now, if the child gets the message that they're being authentic with their emotions and so on, they're not acceptable to the environment, guess what gets in the contest between us?

00:51:47 Speaker_01
You get trained to not trust your instincts.

00:51:49 Speaker_02
Yeah, and you're trained to disconnect and you're trained to push down your feelings. So we give up our authenticity for the sake of attachment. Now, in your book, there's an example of this guy who's about to get married.

00:51:59 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:51:59 Speaker_02
And he's got all these misgivings.

00:52:01 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:52:01 Speaker_02
And then he's afraid of what everybody else will think.

00:52:04 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:52:04 Speaker_02
And you're wishing he would say no to the wedding.

00:52:07 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:52:07 Speaker_02
You know, what's going on? He's stuck in this tension between attachment, which is the need to be acceptable, and authenticity, being himself. Women are caught in that trap in this society. So are many men, of course.

00:52:21 Speaker_02
It's not just a gender issue, but overwhelmingly it's women who have to choose the attachment to being acceptable over authenticity. That's why they have much more autoimmune disease.

00:52:32 Speaker_01
Wow. And often I'd say for a lot of us, we choose attachment. rather than staying connected to ourselves.

00:52:42 Speaker_02
That's the whole point. As a child, you have no choice. The question is, as an adult, can we develop that choice? Do I have to keep choosing the attachment over the authenticity?

00:52:51 Speaker_01
Well, you also hear doctors say that all of these autoimmune disorders, diseases, whatever you want to call them, flare up in moments of stress, in moments of overwhelm. And the main thing that they're treated with is steroids. Yes. And

00:53:06 Speaker_01
take better care of yourself.

00:53:08 Speaker_02
Oh, yeah. Yes. No, but here's what's interesting. Typically for these conditions, we give cortisol.

00:53:15 Speaker_01
A stress hormone?

00:53:15 Speaker_02
Yeah. If you go into the dermatologist with an inflamed skin, they're going to give you steroid cream, cortisol. If you go to a gastroenterologist with an inflamed intestine, they'll at some point give you cortisol, stress hormone.

00:53:29 Speaker_02
If you go with an inflamed nervous system, multiple sclerosis, they're going to give you a stress hormone, cortisol. I could go on, but we never ask ourselves, gosh, we're giving stress hormones to people.

00:53:39 Speaker_02
Is it possible that stress may have something to do with their condition? Doctors know that in cases of acute stress, that can flare up a disease. That's clear. Right.

00:53:49 Speaker_02
What they don't recognize is those emotional patterns that I'm talking about, which stress people chronically, but in less dramatic ways. Because what's it like to always have to repress your anger to be pleasing other people? Exhausting.

00:54:02 Speaker_02
That's the whole point. And that's what the stress that I think often instigates.

00:54:07 Speaker_01
You've abandoned yourself and now your body function is abandoning you.

00:54:11 Speaker_02
That's the whole point.

00:54:12 Speaker_01
Is there good news here?

00:54:13 Speaker_02
Yeah, the good news is if you change these patterns, you can actually significantly affect the course of your illness. And I know lots of examples of that.

00:54:20 Speaker_01
How can someone find the root cause of the emotional pain? or the, like how do you begin the process of healing?

00:54:32 Speaker_01
Because you've now painted this landscape that helps us really understand the connection between childhood experiences and conditioning, how that shapes your body, your brain function, your physiology, your immune system, and how continued environmental stress and continued abandonment of self for the sake of being accepted by other people

00:54:56 Speaker_01
When you see all this. It's incredibly empowering. What is one step that you would want someone to take if they're having an awakening or they've been sent this episode by somebody who loves them and they're like, this is me.

00:55:11 Speaker_02
Okay, so let's take one example, a simple one. Prior to your awakening and transformational journey that you undertook sometime in your forties, how easy did you find it to say no to other people's expectations?

00:55:28 Speaker_00
Oh, I couldn't.

00:55:29 Speaker_02
Okay. So you couldn't say no? No. All right. So I asked people this question, where in your life do you have difficulty saying no? It shows up in two areas, work and in personal life. Okay. So you couldn't say no.

00:55:42 Speaker_02
The second question I asked people then is, what was the impact on you of your difficulty saying no?

00:55:48 Speaker_01
It's exhausting. I don't like my own behavior.

00:55:52 Speaker_02
Yeah. So it's this shame. Lack of control. Lack and loss of control. Loss of control, by the way. Anger.

00:55:58 Speaker_01
Blaming other people and making it their fault that I can't say no.

00:56:02 Speaker_02
That's right. And loss of control is one of the most significant triggers for stress, by the way, according to the stress literature.

00:56:09 Speaker_01
Well, that makes sense because we have a biological hardwired need for safety, which we try to achieve by controlling everything and everyone around us.

00:56:18 Speaker_02
Only because we learned in childhood that if we didn't, there'd be no safety. If we learned that there was safety, we would trust the world a lot more and we wouldn't have to control. So nobody's a control freak. Nobody's born a control freak.

00:56:31 Speaker_02
It's an adaptive trait is what that is. But here's what I'm saying. So that going through this exercise, so what's the impact? You identify some impacts. It could also be frequent colds, illness, and so on.

00:56:43 Speaker_02
The third question is, what's your belief that keeps you from saying no? So when you had trouble saying no, what's the story? What was the belief?

00:56:51 Speaker_01
That I would get fired from my job, and then we wouldn't be able to pay our bills, and then we would lose our house, and then on and on and on and on and on, or they wouldn't like me, or my mother would be mad at me, or, you know, this would happen, or that would happen, like, at the weight of the world on my shoulders.

00:57:05 Speaker_01
Exactly.

00:57:07 Speaker_02
So then the fourth question is, how did you develop the story that if I say no, I'll be rejected? How did, where did you learn that?

00:57:17 Speaker_01
I'm sure for me, even though I don't quite remember, it was that I had, it was my job to make sure everybody was okay in the house and that everybody was happy.

00:57:27 Speaker_02
And that made me feel safe. In other words, you learned it when you're two or three or four years old or five.

00:57:33 Speaker_01
Yes.

00:57:33 Speaker_02
And now you're adults, as you see in my book.

00:57:37 Speaker_01
That's why this has been such a game changer, because when I say let them, I separate someone else's emotions and their expectations from what's my responsibility.

00:57:47 Speaker_02
You're choosing authenticity over attachment is what you're doing.

00:57:50 Speaker_01
Oh, I love that. You're right. I'm staying connected to myself.

00:57:53 Speaker_02
That's the whole game. That's what I'm talking about here. So once you understand that you learned the story when you were hypnotized into it, by the way, three or four year olds are in hypnotic states.

00:58:06 Speaker_02
That's why they believe that when they're playing monsters, they're actually monsters. So those hypnotic influences are really powerful. They stay with us. So then the next question is, who would you be?

00:58:18 Speaker_02
If you didn't believe that you couldn't, that you mustn't say no, would you be then?

00:58:23 Speaker_01
Free.

00:58:23 Speaker_02
Exactly. Do that exercise once a week.

00:58:28 Speaker_01
Five questions to freedom.

00:58:29 Speaker_02
It's in the myth of normal. There's a chapter on it. There's a sixth question.

00:58:33 Speaker_01
What is the sixth question?

00:58:34 Speaker_02
Where are you not saying yes?

00:58:36 Speaker_01
Oh my God, everywhere, to free time, to play, to joy, to creativity, to rest.

00:58:46 Speaker_02
Well, that not saying yes is as harmful as the not saying no. So those two little words, just that little exercise you do that once a week, it changes people's lives.

00:58:58 Speaker_01
The sixth question, what are you not saying yes to? That one made my heart contract a little. Because that's where I really saw truly what I'm missing out on. Where are you not saying yes?

00:59:16 Speaker_02
to play and the rest. I mean, I'm much better than I used to be. As a matter of fact, I've told this story many times, but five years ago, I was in London giving a talk on my book, When the Body Says No, and I was very articulate and adept on stage.

00:59:33 Speaker_02
But personally, I was irritated. I was working too hard. I was driving myself too hard. I was not kind to my wife. And she said to me, her name is Ray. And she said, buddy, you've written a book called When the Body Says No.

00:59:46 Speaker_02
No, you better write one called When the Wife Says No. And so part of what has helped me draw up these patterns and I'm still working on it is because I love this relationship and I don't want to be this person who's not saying yes. I'm an 80.

01:00:05 Speaker_02
Again, when you look at the top five regrets of dying people, that book that I mentioned in another conversation, this was written by a palliative care nurse. who worked with dying people.

01:00:15 Speaker_02
The top regard was that I didn't have the courage to be myself. And the third regard was I didn't have the courage to express my emotions. And the fifth regret was, and I neglected my friends, the fourth regret.

01:00:29 Speaker_02
And then the fifth one, I think was, I wish I hadn't worked so hard. I wish I had played more. I wish I'd given more scope for the creativity and playfulness and childlike self that I am. So I'm still looking for that one to develop it more.

01:00:45 Speaker_02
I'm a whole lot better than I used to be.

01:00:48 Speaker_01
Well, we're a whole lot better than we used to be because of what we're learning from you. Well, thank you. Gabor Mate. Wow. Any final things you want to say?

01:00:59 Speaker_02
Everybody's got the capacity to heal. As long as there's consciousness, there's the capacity to heal. For some people it's tougher because they don't have the resources. But you know, you can go on YouTube. Lots of my talks on YouTube.

01:01:15 Speaker_02
People have told me that's changed their lives for the better. That didn't cost a penny. And not just my talks, by the way. Talks by other wonderful teachers, some of my colleagues. some spiritual teachers. That doesn't cost any money to watch that.

01:01:31 Speaker_02
You can take books out of the library. That doesn't cost a penny and they can be very helpful. You can learn to meditate and be with yourself and observe your mind. That can be very helpful.

01:01:43 Speaker_02
There's free meditation instruction on the line or in many books. Those people that can afford therapy. if it's the right kind of therapy, they can address these issues. They can connect with nature.

01:02:00 Speaker_02
Nature's got a huge healing capacity as our indigenous people really know. We can learn a lot from them about connecting with nature.

01:02:08 Speaker_02
Those people that have the capacity to get out of the city and, or even to go to a park and connect with the plants and the trees and the flowers. That sounds hokey, but it's hugely healing. Exercise, giving your body what it needs.

01:02:24 Speaker_02
eating the proper food, if you can afford it. And most people may not be able to afford the best foods, but they could probably afford to eat better than they do if they paid attention to themselves. So all those things are not inaccessible.

01:02:38 Speaker_02
So in other words, healing is possible. It's available to all of us. And it just takes the decision to embark on that path.

01:02:49 Speaker_01
Well, you've empowered us to make the decision today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, thank you. It's amazing to spend time with you. Yeah, thanks. There are so many people that I want to share this episode with. I feel empowered and excited for you.

01:03:06 Speaker_01
And so I just want to thank you for listening all the way to the end and sharing this with people that you love. And I also wanted to be sure to tell you, in case no one else tells you. that I love you and I believe in you.

01:03:19 Speaker_01
And I believe in your ability to create a better life. And listening to this today is certainly going to help you take the steps to create it. And I will be waiting for you in the very next episode. I'll see you there. So Dr., oh my God.

01:03:41 Speaker_01
Okay, and then I look at the bottom and it's like, wow, wow, wow, thank you, wow, fantastic. I'm the one that says fantastic, right? Okay, do you need me to do those? Okay, great, great. Okay, great, great, great.

01:03:52 Speaker_02
Okay, may I wait a minute? Yeah.

01:03:53 Speaker_01
Okay, hold on.

01:03:55 Speaker_02
Oh, sorry, there's a helicopter there.

01:03:56 Speaker_01
That's okay, we're in it. I was like, wait, wow. You're fantastic. We did it. We got it done. You like that? Okay, great. All right, that's it. We're wrapped, well done. Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.

01:04:19 Speaker_01
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

01:04:28 Speaker_01
I'm just your friend, I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

01:04:47 Speaker_03
Stitcher.