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Episode: Disappointment

Author: Michelle Chestovich MD
Duration: 00:13:51

Episode Shownotes

Physician coach Michelle Chestovich MD shares how avoiding disappointment keeps you small and safe and explores how you can expand your capacity to allow it which you may not know yet, but it is a superpower!The CE experience for this Podcast is powered by CMEfy - click here to reflect and earn credits: https://earnc.me/3skSKI

Full Transcript

00:00:00 Speaker_00
You are listening to episode 159 of the Remind Yourself podcast. Welcome to the Remind Yourself podcast, the podcast for physician moms just like you. Want to ditch mom guilt? Stop yelling and start enjoying their lives today.

00:00:22 Speaker_00
I'm your host, Rachelle Chestevich, certified life coach, family physician, and mom of four. If you want to overcome overwhelm for once and for all, this is the place for you. Hello, Mama Docs, and welcome back.

00:00:40 Speaker_00
Before I jump into the topic of the day, I want to remind you that you can get CME credit via CMFI by clicking on the link in the show notes. It's so easy, my friends. You listen, you gain wisdom that helps you with your wellness.

00:00:56 Speaker_00
I know that many of you share what you hear with other colleagues and friends, and you deserve credit for this. So click on the link in the show notes and you will then be taken to the CMFI site.

00:01:07 Speaker_00
You will answer a question about how you apply the learnings to your life. And then CMFI, when you desire, will give you a certificate of all of your credits earned. It's so easy. It's no cost to you.

00:01:20 Speaker_00
And one other thing that I'm not sure I've mentioned yet, by the end of April, I'm going to have added a CMFI link to all of my podcasts. That means there are 159 episodes that you can listen to, gain some wisdom, and earn credit.

00:01:37 Speaker_00
Yes, my friends, this is my gift to you. Get excited, it's coming soon. But for sure this past year, they are all there. So just wanted to remind you, click on that link in the show notes and earn your credit via CMFI.

00:01:52 Speaker_00
Alright, my friends, today I'm going to talk about maybe a less than cheery topic, and yet we, in my world, handle all the things.

00:02:01 Speaker_00
There's a huge spectrum of emotions that we humans get to experience while we're on Earth, and so many of us avoid, you know, the uncomfortable emotions.

00:02:11 Speaker_00
And I love to help you learn to allow these emotions, because not only does it help life every day be a little bit easier, because you're like, oh, I'm feeling, you know, frustrated, I'm feeling embarrassed. Okay, I can handle this.

00:02:25 Speaker_00
But the cool thing is that spectrum of emotions expands on the other side as well. So you will find when you learn to experience, you know, quote unquote, uncomfortable emotions, you're also able to expand into more joy,

00:02:40 Speaker_00
More gratitude, more fulfillment. Yes, indeed, this is true. It is like a science experiment that the expansion happens upon both ends. And most of us are living in this safe zone in the middle because we think it's the most comfortable for us.

00:02:55 Speaker_00
And yet, if you're being honest, you look around, you're like, but I'm kind of uncomfortable. I'm feeling kind of stuck. I'm really not loving this. Is this why I work so hard in my life? These are the refrains I hear over and over again.

00:03:07 Speaker_00
And one of the reasons that we do this is because we think it keeps us safe, right? And so today I want to talk about expanding into an emotion that many of us avoid. And that emotion is disappointment.

00:03:21 Speaker_00
I looked up the definition of disappointment and it says that it's a sadness or displeasure by non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations. So many of us avoid doing things because we're afraid of being disappointed.

00:03:38 Speaker_00
And on the flip side, we often do or don't do things because we're afraid of disappointing others. I'm going to remind all of you that we as humans are in charge of creating our own emotions.

00:03:52 Speaker_00
If you've been listening for a bit, you understand I talk about something called the thought model.

00:03:58 Speaker_00
There are things that happen in our life, circumstances, and we haven't unintentional or default thought about them, which creates an emotion in our body. So it's not the flat tire, the circumstance that makes me feel annoyed.

00:04:10 Speaker_00
It's me thinking, oh my goodness, it's one more thing to do today. That is the truth and it's how the world works. I did not create this. This has been something that's been talked about by philosophers for Centuries, right? I digress.

00:04:24 Speaker_00
But back to disappointment. How are you at allowing yourself to be disappointed and allowing other people to be disappointed?

00:04:33 Speaker_00
You've heard me say time and again that we as women have been socialized to do everything for everybody and we get a heap of guilt and shame and feelings that we need to make everybody happy around us.

00:04:44 Speaker_00
But I'm going to remind all of you that we don't have the magic to make other people happy. Think about the last time that you did something special for someone.

00:04:52 Speaker_00
Certainly, it may have been a nice nod, a nice token for that person, and yet they may or may not have appreciated. Think about all the things that you do for your kiddos, right?

00:05:03 Speaker_00
If they're having a hard day, we, quote unquote, try to make them feel better. But the truth of the matter is, being there with them in their discomfort is actually the best way.

00:05:12 Speaker_00
We can't make someone snap out of it and feel a different way unless that's what happens in their own brain. So too with disappointment.

00:05:20 Speaker_00
Think about your life when you either did something that you didn't want to do because you were afraid of disappointing someone. Maybe you accepted an invitation that you really didn't want to do because you didn't want to disappoint someone.

00:05:35 Speaker_00
Maybe you volunteered to be the chair of a committee, even though you really weren't that interested, but you think, well, I don't want to disappoint my colleague. Now, again, all of that comes from a great place. You have a big, compassionate heart.

00:05:50 Speaker_00
But when we keep doing things that we really don't want to do, We are the ones who end up disappointed all the time. This is your one precious life on earth, and there will be disappointment. There will be disappointment for you and others.

00:06:06 Speaker_00
But look at how the scale is tipping in your life. If you're like many of the women physician that I work with, it often tips in favor of not disappointing others, and we are the ones who more often than not end up being disappointed.

00:06:22 Speaker_00
Now, when I started this conversation today, I mentioned like, yeah, we can allow disappointment.

00:06:26 Speaker_00
So maybe it's not a big deal if we can just learn to allow disappointment in ourself, describe how that emotion feels, and just have some self-compassion. Like, I'm feeling disappointed. This is normal part of being human. That's great.

00:06:39 Speaker_00
But like, why would we sign up for more of that by like always doing for others? And again, I don't want to sound like some selfish, narcissistic a-hole who's like, don't think about others. That is not at all who I am or what I'm telling you.

00:06:52 Speaker_00
But when you go through life always worrying that you're going to disappoint someone else, you are the one who ends up disappointed more often than not.

00:07:01 Speaker_00
Another thing I want you to consider is what is it that you think, wow, that would be so cool and amazing, but I'm afraid of how it might turn out. Worry and anxiety. are basically anticipating that things might not end up like we would hope.

00:07:16 Speaker_00
And then what I want to ask is, what are you afraid of feeling if it doesn't turn out like you expect? Because worry pretends to be super helpful, but it's really just kind of an umbrella emotion trying to prevent a future emotion.

00:07:32 Speaker_00
Because if I'm really worried about it, and I think I'm not going to have success, I'm not going to do it. Well, you know what? Then I don't have to feel disappointment if I don't achieve my goal. Isn't that fascinating? So interesting.

00:07:42 Speaker_00
So again, I am somebody who's very prone to worry and I recognize it now and I just say like, okay, worry, here you are, you know, anxiety, hop in the backseat. I'm sure you're coming along with me today.

00:07:51 Speaker_00
But like I start to get curious, like what am I most worried about? And it's typically an emotion. So again, for you in your life, what is it that sounds amazing? Maybe it's going for that promotion. Maybe it's creating your own practice.

00:08:07 Speaker_00
Maybe it's starting a new hobby. And if you have fear and worry, welcome to being human, totally normal. Your brain is just trying to keep you safe where you are. But think about what would be the worst thing that would happen.

00:08:22 Speaker_00
You apply for this promotion and it, you know, it's given to somebody else. Then you would likely feel disappointed. Yes, that makes sense. You'd be disappointed if you had a hope and an expectation and you fell short. Of course, you'd be disappointed.

00:08:41 Speaker_00
What if you could just be kind to yourself and honor that? Yes, of course, I'm disappointed. And this is what it feels like in my body. I'm feeling a vibration here and here. For me, it's kind of like a pit in the stomach and a squeezing in the throat.

00:08:55 Speaker_00
We all describe how emotions feel a bit differently in our bodies. That's it. That's the worst of it, right? May have a dollop of embarrassment on the side. You know, sometimes shame runs along with it.

00:09:08 Speaker_00
But like, what if we could just acknowledge, I didn't meet my expectations, and I'm feeling disappointed. The problem with many of us is that we make a huge story. Like, I'm never going to make it. I'm no good. Right?

00:09:20 Speaker_00
This, our brains love to catastrophize and like make a bigger story out of just like, what are the facts? Oh, I applied and I didn't get that promotion. Okay. Wow. I'm feeling really disappointed here.

00:09:32 Speaker_00
My friends, when you can learn to allow disappointment and help self-compassion for yourself when you're feeling disappointed, all of a sudden, the world starts to look like technicolor, right?

00:09:44 Speaker_00
Like all of a sudden, you're like, there are so many things that I'm interested in, and I'm not afraid because the worst thing that could happen is that I could be disappointed.

00:09:52 Speaker_00
It is the magic from within when you can learn to allow emotions and help self-compassion for them. This is sort of a two-pronged message for you. I don't want you to be afraid of disappointment. And I don't want to talk you out of it, right?

00:10:06 Speaker_00
I think I did an episode like last year when I was talking about how my son was disappointed. He didn't make it to the state meet in cross-country. And of course, it's hard to see someone you love suffering.

00:10:18 Speaker_00
And my first instinct was to say, like, it's going to be fine. You're great. And you just, it wasn't your best day and you'll have another opportunity. But then I realized, no, he has total reason to be disappointed.

00:10:29 Speaker_00
I'm going to sit with him in it and say, wow, this is really tough. I know you're disappointed. This is so hard. And it was so honoring. And it just helped me remember that when we're disappointed, that's exactly what we want.

00:10:42 Speaker_00
Sure, it might be helpful to have someone say, hey, there will be another chance. But really, at least for five minutes, we need to allow that we're disappointed. And when you can do this, your world starts to get richer and more exciting.

00:10:55 Speaker_00
So too on the flip side. It's okay if other people are disappointed. You didn't cause it to happen. You saying, no, I don't want to chair that committee. No, I don't want to be in charge of organizing that conference. It's totally fine. This is your life.

00:11:11 Speaker_00
You get to say no. Listen to your body. What does your body tell you? If you feel kind of nauseous and you think you should say yes, it's typically a sign that your body's trying to say, please say no.

00:11:22 Speaker_00
But so many of us say yes anyway, because we're afraid of disappointing others. Here's what I'll tell you. The other person will have a thought about it.

00:11:29 Speaker_00
They may be disappointed and or they may be pleased that you got back to them right away and said, no, thank you. I can't do it. And then they realize, okay, I'll find someone else. We have no idea.

00:11:39 Speaker_00
They could have one of 20 thoughts and emotions based on your saying, no, thank you. I'm not able to do that. We don't have the magic to know what's going on in their brain, and we don't have the power to create an emotion in someone else.

00:11:52 Speaker_00
So if they're disappointed, which might happen, that's okay. So that's something that I want you to practice. They may be disappointed, and that's okay. Because in life, there is disappointment. In life, there is joy, and there is defeat.

00:12:09 Speaker_00
Life is 50-50, my friends. It's amazing and not awesome. Right? So we don't have the power to create emotions in other people. So when you get to start showing up authentically as yourself and what you truly desire, that feels good for you.

00:12:24 Speaker_00
And it actually feels good for the other person. And when we remember it's totally okay for ourselves to be disappointed and for others to be disappointed, we realize it's not something that we need to avoid like the plague.

00:12:38 Speaker_00
Okay, I don't want to say like go forth and seek disappointment. And yet I kind of do because when you realize that disappointment is an uncomfortable vibration in your body and emotion, it doesn't mean something about you.

00:12:50 Speaker_00
It's just a feeling based on a thought that you're having. Wow. What can't you tackle? So fun, my friends. Give it a try. See where it is that you're holding back to avoid disappointment.

00:13:04 Speaker_00
See what it is that you're doing to try to avoid disappointment in others. And what if we just learn to allow it? Friends, disappointment is nothing to be afraid of. OK, that's the wisdom I have for you this week.

00:13:18 Speaker_00
Make sure you click on the link in the show notes and get your CMFI credits and until next week, Peace and love to all of you.