Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? AI transcript and summary - episode of podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Go to PodExtra AI's podcast page (On Purpose with Jay Shetty) to view the AI-processed content of all episodes of this podcast.

On Purpose with Jay Shetty episodes list: view full AI transcripts and summaries of this podcast on the blog

Episode: Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?

Author: iHeartPodcasts
Duration: 00:25:17

Episode Shownotes

Are you open to just being friends with an ex? Do you think they want the same kind of friendship? Today, Jay’s diving into a question we've all probably wrestled with at some point: can you really stay friends with an ex? He kicks things off by laying down some

ground rules, pointing out that not every ex is friendship material, especially if there was any toxicity or harm in the relationship. For those open to trying a platonic bond post-breakup, he highlights the real-life complexities and the level of emotional maturity it takes to make it work. Jay also brings in some interesting science, sharing that studies show people stay connected with their exes for reasons like security, convenience, keeping things civil, or even unresolved feelings. But each of these reasons can get messy, and Jay explains that often, the urge to stay friends might have more to do with wanting a sense of safety or familiarity than with genuine friendship. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Decide if an Ex Deserves Friendship How to Set Boundaries with an Ex How to Manage Shared Friends Post-Breakup How to Avoid Using Friendship to Win Them Back How to Avoid Hurting Your Ex Twice Sometimes, the boldest and most courageous thing you can do is to walk away, taking the lessons with you and leaving the rest behind. Focus on what makes you feel good and helps you build the life you truly want. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:52 Not Every Ex Deserves Friendship 04:36 Four Core Reasons People Stay Friends with Their Exes 09:30 Four Ways to Know Being Friends with an Ex Won’t Work 13:52 How to Start Being Friends with an Ex? 18:33 Friends and Family Can be Casualties of a Breakup 21:41 Establish New Rules of Engagement 22:50 Consider the Welfare of ChildrenSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Summary

In this episode of 'On Purpose with Jay Shetty,' Jay discusses the feasibility of being friends with an ex, noting not all relationships lend themselves to this. He emphasizes the importance of emotional maturity and boundary setting in navigating post-breakup friendships, highlighting motivations like security and unresolved feelings that complicate the dynamic. The episode suggests a period of healing before attempting to establish friendship, encouraging honest reflection on intentions and the emotional state of both parties. Jay concludes by stressing that prioritizing personal well-being is crucial, and individuals should feel no obligation to maintain a friendship if it causes further distress.

Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.

Full Transcript

00:00:02 Speaker_01
Sometimes life can seem hard and tough to navigate, but what may seem like the smallest tasks such as getting out of bed or even brushing your teeth should be celebrated as a win. And State Farm is here to help you celebrate all your wins.

00:00:14 Speaker_01
The State Farm Personal Price Plan helps you create an affordable price just for you. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can bundle and save with the Personal Price Plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

00:00:26 Speaker_01
Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options is selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

00:00:37 Speaker_04
Hey, what's up, guys? I'm Fred Warner, linebacker for the San Francisco 49ers. The holidays get really busy for me, but I still want to pull up to events looking my freshest. Abercrombie's latest drop of party looks is taking me through the season.

00:00:50 Speaker_04
For date nights, hanging out with the fellas, and even New Year's Eve, they have outfits for every occasion. I'm big on sweater polos and trousers with a wool blend coat over top.

00:00:59 Speaker_04
For those really fancy holiday events, Abercrombie has suiting options too. Shop Abercrombie for every night out.

00:01:07 Speaker_05
Imagine relying on a dozen different software programs to run your business, none of which are connected, and each one more expensive and more complicated than the last. It can be pretty stressful. Now, imagine Odoo.

00:01:19 Speaker_05
Odoo has all the programs you'll ever need, and they're all connected on one platform. Doesn't Odoo sound amazing? Let Odoo harmonize your business with simple, efficient software that can handle everything for a fraction of the price.

00:01:33 Speaker_05
Sign up today at odoo.com. That's O-D-O-O dot com.

00:01:37 Speaker_01
If you're wanting civility with someone who's wanting intimacy, it doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who wants drama, it doesn't work. And I know you know who I'm talking about, right?

00:01:49 Speaker_01
You know you've tried in situations to be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, to be the conscious one, but because they didn't want that, and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't want to mirror that, it didn't work out that way.

00:02:03 Speaker_05
The number one health and wellness podcast.

00:02:05 Speaker_01
Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only, Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for tuning in.

00:02:18 Speaker_01
I'm so grateful that you've decided to reconnect, whether you're hiking, walking, walking your dog, cooking, driving to or from work. Thank you so much for being here. I was speaking to a friend the other day, and she asked me this question.

00:02:35 Speaker_01
She said to me, can you be friends with your ex? And my response was, who are you talking to? And it's one of these questions that I get asked a lot.

00:02:47 Speaker_01
And when this particular friend asked me this question, there was a part of me that was worried, but there was a part of me that was open. And I think it's because for years my quick response has been, no, not really.

00:03:02 Speaker_01
And then I realized how different this question was for people who had kids together, for people who had shared friends together. There were different versions of it.

00:03:14 Speaker_01
And I think often we can discount or dismiss the opportunity without recognizing the factors. So I thought it was important to do an episode about it because I think it's a lot more complex and subtle than we often give it credit for.

00:03:28 Speaker_01
Now, before we even get started, there are grounds for not being friends. Before exploring this question, I want to establish some ground rules. Not every ex deserves friendship. Did your relationship end in a peaceful manner?

00:03:44 Speaker_01
Did your ex treat you well? Are they dangerous, volatile or toxic and an untrustworthy person? Were you ever mistreated or did you ever feel unsafe? Were you disrespected or taken advantage of emotionally, sexually or financially?

00:04:02 Speaker_01
Were you lied to or cheated on? If any of these things are true, I would avoid even considering becoming friends with your ex.

00:04:10 Speaker_01
But assuming things ended kind of mutually and acceptably, or as well as possible considering you did call it quits, here's a rule of thumb. You're more likely to be friends with an ex if you and your ex had a nice breakup. But here's the thing.

00:04:30 Speaker_01
It will still always be complicated. Even if things ended well, understand that becoming friends with an ex is a tricky, landmine-filled journey. How could it not be?

00:04:43 Speaker_01
I mean, romantic relationships usually have their origins in friendship before they evolve into something deeper. You're now asking two people to maintain the friendship part of their relationship minus the romantic or sexual angle.

00:04:59 Speaker_01
But it's not as simple as going back to the friendship origins of your relationship. Friendship, companionship, and above all, trust are all core elements of romantic love.

00:05:10 Speaker_01
Ensuring you know the difference is one of the primary challenges of becoming friends with your ex. I was on the talk the other day, a Today Show in LA, and they asked me this question as well. And what came out for me was emotional maturity,

00:05:27 Speaker_01
and romantic clarity. Emotional maturity, do you both have enough maturity to not be envious when you see the other person with another person?

00:05:38 Speaker_01
Do you both have enough emotional maturity to let the other become who they want to be, not who you wanted them to be?

00:05:47 Speaker_01
And romantic clarity, are you both truly aware of the boundaries that now exist physically, sexually, and in terms of intimacy, or is one of you secretly hoping that you'll be able to make something happen when the other person's guard's down.

00:06:06 Speaker_01
All of these lead to a lack of trust. They lead to a lack of stability in a friendship or in a relationship. Now, here's what the science says about becoming friends with your exes.

00:06:20 Speaker_01
A 2017 research study shows that people chose to stay friends with their exes for four core reasons. The first is security. They make us feel good and show us that even in the wake of a breakup, our lives haven't been completely turned upside down.

00:06:39 Speaker_01
Right, we're all looking for security and safety and our biggest concern genuinely is, who am I gonna call at 7 p.m. tonight? Wait a minute, who am I going to text first thing in the morning?

00:06:50 Speaker_01
All of those things we think are emotional and they are, but they're security based. It's not necessarily love or romance, it's a sense of safety and security which humans desire so deeply.

00:07:04 Speaker_01
And often we desire it so deeply that we stay in a situation, even if it's bad for us, we want to elongate and extend something, even if it's unhealthy for us, because it makes us feel falsely safe.

00:07:18 Speaker_01
Think about a time in your life where you've stayed somewhere because it fooled you into believing you were safe in one way or another. So one of the reasons we stay is security. The second reason is practicality.

00:07:33 Speaker_01
You like your ex and your ex likes you. And both of you value each other's presence in your lives. And this is a sense of like comfort or ease. So a lot of us are constantly trying to move toward comfort and ease, the path of least resistance.

00:07:51 Speaker_01
How many of you have stayed in a job, a relationship, at a family gathering for far too long because it was comfortable and it was easy even though it wasn't good for you.

00:08:03 Speaker_01
See as humans we almost seem to lose our way and it's interesting when you think about the pursuit of purpose that we're all ultimately challenged to go on. One of the reasons we don't take it is because we're just looking for security and safety.

00:08:17 Speaker_01
One of the reasons we don't take the pursuit of purpose is because we're just looking for ease and comfort. And it feels in the short term, much easier to do these options. And the truth is, it is in the short term. It just isn't in the long term.

00:08:33 Speaker_01
And when it comes to a breakup, you just think, well, if we just stay friends, at least things are still practical, not understanding the complexities that come with that.

00:08:44 Speaker_01
The third reason that people want to stay friends with their ex is civility, otherwise known as keeping the peace.

00:08:51 Speaker_01
If you're walking down the street and you see your ex coming your way, you don't want to have to dart across the street to avoid having an awkward encounter. Right? It's just normal. Again, the path of least resistance.

00:09:04 Speaker_01
How do I create a world in which I have no conflict and no tension and no stress? By the way, I recommend that. Sometimes we create too much drama in our life. Sometimes we

00:09:15 Speaker_01
basically are the directors of drama in our life, almost like we're directing a dramatic, tragic movie and we just find everything to cause tension and stress. So wanting civility is not a bad thing, I get it. But often, if you're wanting civility,

00:09:33 Speaker_01
with someone who's wanting intimacy, it doesn't work. If you're wanting civility with someone who wants drama, it doesn't work. And I know you know who I'm talking about, right?

00:09:43 Speaker_01
You know you've tried in situations to be the civil one, to be the peaceful one, to be the conscious one, but because they didn't want that, and they didn't want that from you, and they didn't wanna mirror that, it didn't work out that way.

00:09:57 Speaker_01
And the fourth reason, and by far the trickiest, has to do with unresolved romantic desires. You still want to be with this person. You haven't gotten over them yet. You don't know if you ever will.

00:10:11 Speaker_01
And you're thinking to yourself, if I stick around for long enough, they'll come to their senses that I was the one, I was the best one, and they'll finally realize what they're missing out on, right? I'm just going to convince them.

00:10:23 Speaker_01
I'm just going to stick around long enough until they change their mind. And I know I can do it. Right, I know I can do it.

00:10:29 Speaker_01
Now that one's a very, very tricky one because we're almost kind of creating an expectation without having that intention shared openly. And that's a really interesting position to be in.

00:10:43 Speaker_01
I find a lot of us have expectations without setting that intention. If you have an expectation that you're going to get back with someone and they've kind of told you, hey, this is not happening,

00:10:53 Speaker_01
Sure, you might be able to coax, persuade them for a day or two, but it's going to be a hard battle.

00:10:58 Speaker_01
And because you're walking into it with a preset expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure because you're setting yourself up to be let down. There's four ways to know that you're not ready to resume a friendship with your ex.

00:11:14 Speaker_01
The first one, your feelings are strong and conflicted. In other words, you might still have romantic feelings for your ex, or you're thinking about your ex more than you'd like to, more than feels healthy.

00:11:28 Speaker_01
If so, pause, hold off, and postpone any attempts at establishing a friendship until those feelings simmer down or pass. You still meet up occasionally.

00:11:41 Speaker_01
If you're intent on establishing a friendship with your ex, by definition, that means the two of you are no longer romantically or sexually involved.

00:11:51 Speaker_01
If you are, I don't have to tell you how complicated a factor this is and how much more difficult it makes it for you or your ex to move forward. 3. You're secretly using friendship as a means to get back together. This is probably the most common one.

00:12:06 Speaker_01
And you and your ex broke up for a reason, probably more than one reason. And using friendship to re-establish a romance doesn't address or solve those problems. Being friends with an ex can trick you into thinking that you didn't really break up.

00:12:21 Speaker_01
The whole thing was a dream and the future will be different. It's important to be honest with yourself and remember that your ex probably has the same strong feelings.

00:12:31 Speaker_01
Remember that if you broke up with your ex, that means something about your relationship wasn't working for you, your ex or both of you.

00:12:40 Speaker_01
If you're trying to be friends because you secretly hope your renewed friendship will lead to a renewed relationship, you may be holding on to false hopes.

00:12:50 Speaker_01
Only try to be friends if you can honestly live with the truth that the two of you are no longer together. Now the fourth reason is you feel bad and hope that making a friendship is a get-out-of-jail-free card.

00:13:03 Speaker_01
Now maybe you did the breaking up, right? Maybe you're the one who left them, and now you're trying to, I see this with a lot of my male friends, where they'll break up with someone, and they'll be like, I don't wanna be the bad guy.

00:13:16 Speaker_01
I don't wanna be seen as the bad guy. I don't wanna be seen as that one, so I'm gonna work hard on building a friendship up, because that way, at least she won't hate me.

00:13:26 Speaker_01
And really, I'm like, well, you're kind of making that person maybe hate you more in the long term because you're doing it for all the wrong reasons. Maybe you feel guilty and maybe you fell in love with someone else. Maybe you found someone else.

00:13:39 Speaker_01
Maybe you're moving on. So you have to ask yourself, who does this friendship benefit? Am I doing it only to make me feel better about myself? If so, don't. Right? Think twice.

00:13:53 Speaker_01
Too many people try to stay friends with their ex because they want to be seen as a good person. You broke their heart. You found someone else. You moved on. But you don't want to be seen as a bad person.

00:14:09 Speaker_01
So you want to be friends with them so that they see you as a good person. And so you're only doing it to make yourself feel better about yourself. You're not doing it because you truly want to be friends with them.

00:14:20 Speaker_01
And that's only going to hurt them more in the future. It might feel good to you right now based on how you're perceived, but not only your perception, how they feel and their heart will be deeply hurt in the future.

00:14:35 Speaker_01
And I think this hits very closely to why I partnered up with Match. And what I really found was I wanted to create a space where people could connect based on their values.

00:14:49 Speaker_01
And this was really, really important to me because I feel that everything I'm saying here is because we don't realize that our core values have such a big impact in terms of long-term success.

00:15:04 Speaker_01
If you ignore core values, you're thinking in the next five months. If you take on core values, you're living in the next five years.

00:15:11 Speaker_01
And for anyone who's interested and invested in building a long-term, long-lasting, powerful relationship, this mindset is huge. 93% of match members say that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now, let's imagine...

00:15:33 Speaker_01
Sometimes life can seem challenging and overcoming problems can seem impossible. But when you focus on your problems, it can keep you from seeing the good in your life.

00:15:42 Speaker_01
One thing that helps me when I need a change in perspective is acknowledging the small wins in life.

00:15:47 Speaker_01
I encourage my team to pay attention to small wins because it helps them see positive outcomes and the steps that they're achieving on the road to a bigger goal.

00:15:56 Speaker_01
Use the power of small wins to shift your outlook and you will start to see positive changes. State Farm is also there to help you find personal wins and celebrate the small things in life.

00:16:07 Speaker_01
The State Farm Personal Price Plan helps you create an affordable price just for you. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can bundle and save with the Personal Price Plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

00:16:19 Speaker_01
Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. If you're like me, you don't just want fast internet service. You need it.

00:16:37 Speaker_01
And believe it or not, there are plenty of places in America where people don't have access. That's why this story is so important. AT&T recently completed an AT&T Fiber build-out to more than 20,000 customer locations in Oldham County, Kentucky.

00:16:53 Speaker_01
So the entire community now has access to high-speed connectivity. Now you know what high speed internet can do for a regular person, but how about a farmer?

00:17:02 Speaker_01
Suddenly it's easier to sell cattle, buy feed, research fixes for broken machinery, you get the picture. I think that's fascinating. It doesn't matter what you do for a living these days, you need to be connected.

00:17:14 Speaker_01
And now the big part, this isn't just a Kentucky story. AT&T is on track to cover more than 30 million locations with fiber by the end of 2025. So the opportunities Oldham County got connected to?

00:17:27 Speaker_01
AT&T is bringing them to millions of people across America. And that's good news for all of us.

00:17:33 Speaker_00
Connecting changes everything. AT&T.

00:17:38 Speaker_01
Making a meaningful difference in your health can feel overwhelming, especially if you've been battling high blood pressure, weight gain, or high cholesterol for years.

00:17:48 Speaker_01
So what if I told you there was a way to jumpstart your health journey and get yourself back on track, and that you might see results as early as the first 12 weeks? This is what makes Prolon by L-Nutra so remarkable.

00:18:02 Speaker_01
Introducing Prolon, a revolutionary plant-based nutrition program that nourishes the body while making cells believe they're fasting.

00:18:10 Speaker_01
Researched and developed for decades at the University of Southern California Longevity Institute and supported by top medical centers across the US, Prolon helps promote healthy blood sugar levels, supports cardiovascular health, and reduces abdominal fat.

00:18:25 Speaker_01
I've had friends try the 5-day program and honestly surprised at how easy it was. They sent them everything they needed in one box. Soups, snacks, drinks, so they didn't have to think about what to eat next.

00:18:36 Speaker_01
It wasn't restrictive like the other diets they'd done. Right now, Prolon is offering on purpose with J Shelley listeners 15% off their 5-day nutrition program. That's 15% off. go to prolonlife.com forward slash on purpose.

00:18:51 Speaker_01
That's P-R-O-L-O-N life.com forward slash on purpose for this special offer. That's prolonlife.com forward slash on purpose. That your motives are pure. How do you even start becoming friends with an ex?

00:19:08 Speaker_01
So, right, I'm going to imagine for a moment, say that you've answered all these questions, you know, like, I'm genuine, this is for real, I care about them, this is how it's gonna have to work. The first thing is, you need to take time.

00:19:24 Speaker_01
Healing after a breakup takes a while. It's rarely a question of ending a relationship and two weeks later meeting your ex for an effervescent brunch down the block. And your ex does too.

00:19:36 Speaker_01
And by the time, I'm not talking about, and by time, I'm not talking about a week, a month, or even three months. Experts suggest allowing anywhere from six months to a year before you even consider getting in touch with your ex.

00:19:50 Speaker_01
And even then, don't assume that because you've allowed so much time in your head to go by, that everything's going to work out just fine. It may or may not, but more about that in a bit.

00:20:01 Speaker_01
Time is just another word for readiness, and readiness is another word for recovery and self-awareness. Think about it this way. You've just lived through the death of a relationship.

00:20:13 Speaker_01
As with any death, you need to give yourself the latitude and introspection to grieve, adjust to a new identity, and begin moving forward. Let's see if we can define what ready means. And the best way to do that is by defining what it doesn't mean.

00:20:32 Speaker_01
Ready doesn't mean you won't have contact with your ex until you meet someone new and you can show your ex how stupid they were because how amazing you are and how much better your life is now that they're not a part of it.

00:20:44 Speaker_01
Ready means you've been extraordinarily honest with yourself, that you can see things clearly, that you've done the work necessary to move on, that you have grieved the loss of your relationship and maintained what was great about it and what you learned.

00:20:59 Speaker_01
Everything I just said also goes for your ex. It's not just about you. A friendship won't work unless both people are honest and trust each other.

00:21:09 Speaker_01
Not just over the course of a single conversation, but as a prerequisite of the renewal of your friendship. With honesty as the foundation, here are some of the issues that may come up for you and how that same honesty can help nip them in the bud.

00:21:24 Speaker_01
Now, one of the first things is unfinished business. Are you and your ex really in the past? What are your motives in trying to become friends? Are you trying to show him what he's missing? Do you really want to know what's going on in her life?

00:21:37 Speaker_01
Or even who your replacement might be? These are all natural, human responses after a breakup. But that doesn't mean that can sustain a friendship. Be honest with yourself and with your ex. Are the two of you really through?

00:21:50 Speaker_01
Or do you find yourselves stalking them on social media and playing music you associate with them and that you used to play together? By the way, stop doing that. Or is it that you're too cool for school?

00:22:02 Speaker_01
Are you interested in reestablishing a friendship with your ex because it feels like the mature, grown-up, calm and collected thing to do?

00:22:10 Speaker_01
After all, being friends with your ex communicates to everyone how much of an adult you are, what a good person, how you're willing to put the past behind you and separate love and desire from friendship in a truly awesome, human-evolved way.

00:22:24 Speaker_01
Well, here's my advice to you. It's okay not to have a grown-up reaction to a breakup.

00:22:29 Speaker_01
It's okay to acknowledge that it's just too difficult, that you need longer than a year, and that you might not ever reach a place in your life when you and your ex can be friends.

00:22:39 Speaker_01
I was speaking to a friend the other day and he said, the day I moved on from my ex was the day I admitted to myself that I would never move on. Let me take that again.

00:22:49 Speaker_01
They said the day I moved on from my ex was the day I admitted that I would never move on, accepting that I may never get over them. is what helped me move forward.

00:23:02 Speaker_01
Admitting to myself that I'll probably always think about them is what allowed me to stop thinking about them. Realizing that I may never ever fully disconnect or detach from that relationship is what really allowed me to let go.

00:23:19 Speaker_01
Think about that really, really carefully. It's not pretending to move on. It's not faking moving on. It's not making it up or doing it because it looks good or people will respect you.

00:23:31 Speaker_01
It's actually being honest with yourself and authentic with yourself. And I get it. That's scary. It's hard. It's challenging. But it's the truth. Now, naturally what we often do is we wonder what others, mutual friends, family members might think.

00:23:48 Speaker_01
If you and your ex were a couple for a long time, no doubt you have friends in common or an established friend group, as well as a relationship with each other's families.

00:23:57 Speaker_01
In the wake of a breakup, it's inevitable that some of those friends will take sides. Ditto for family members. For the sake of keeping the peace, it's natural to want to maintain those friendships.

00:24:08 Speaker_01
To act as though nothing has changed and that everyone, including you and your ex, can still be buddies. After all, it's a small town where people are bound to run into one another and you don't want any weirdness.

00:24:20 Speaker_01
As for family members, you don't want their mom or their sister to think badly of you. Maybe you have a close relationship with the family that you don't want to give up. Unfortunately, friends and family members can be casualties of a breakup.

00:24:33 Speaker_01
Something big has happened and your friends are coping with the fallout too. And I think this is the hard part where almost your friends are acting like it's harder for them than it is for you.

00:24:43 Speaker_01
If you've just been through a breakup and you have mutual friends and your friends are making it out that this breakup is harder for them than it's harder for you, then those are not your real friends.

00:24:52 Speaker_01
You need friends who recognize that this loss is so deeply hard and difficult and challenging for you that they're there for you regardless of how it affects them. Because while they are affected, you're the one who's going through the most of it.

00:25:07 Speaker_01
And I just really want to put that out there because I think too many people kind of feel like they've got to be there for their family, be there for their friends, be there for everyone else, when you're the one who's really grieving the loss.

00:25:17 Speaker_01
Now, one of the big ones that's come up for a lot of people I've talked to is the complicating factor of pets, right?

00:25:23 Speaker_01
Maybe you brought a cat together or a dog together, and you're used to spending time together on the weekends, three of you, lazing around or hiking or watching a bad movie while the dog or cat lazed in your lap.

00:25:36 Speaker_01
Well, one of you has gotten custody of that animal, and it's probably difficult, if not wrenching for the person who's now not only without a partner, but without a much loved pet. And that creates a lot of complications too.

00:25:51 Speaker_01
So for any one of your friends who's struggling and wants to be friends with their ex, I just want you all to have a bit of empathy for the fact that there are so many factors. Now, I also want you to remember, it's not all about you.

00:26:02 Speaker_01
There are two people here, both of whom are probably dealing with very intense feelings and memories, all of which will be triggered when that person comes back into your life.

00:26:11 Speaker_01
You might be completely okay and cool with you and your ex being friends, but have you considered them and the ways your reappearance in their lives might affect them? You may want a friendship with your ex, but they still want a relationship.

00:26:26 Speaker_01
You may be over your ex, but they still want to be with you. You may have moved on, but they haven't moved at all. Just because you're ready to be friends, don't force that person into more discomfort. They've already been hurt once.

00:26:43 Speaker_01
This will only hurt them twice. Remember, it's not all about you. They're in this too. Now, if you do get this far in this situation, you have to establish the new rules of engagement. Like, what does friendship even look like?

00:26:59 Speaker_01
So, as everyone knows, there are countless ways of communicating, ranging from social media, to texting, to calling, to liking a comment.

00:27:06 Speaker_01
And when you and your ex were romantically involved, you were probably in communication across the board, all day and night, long conversations, short, and on social media. Now, it's different, right?

00:27:20 Speaker_01
We all know that a flirty late night text message can lead to a situation where one or both of you slips, and the next day you find yourself waking up in your ex's bedroom. You have to create ground rules.

00:27:32 Speaker_01
Now, the problem is when both of you don't respect it, and that's what you want to spot early. Does someone really respect the ground rules, or are you always pushing them to do that?

00:27:41 Speaker_01
You might agree to text each other or email, or you could decide it's calls only. But here's the second thing. Try it out before you decide whether it works or not.

00:27:50 Speaker_01
Right now that you're back in contact, practice it, try it out, and recognize where that person stands on respecting your boundaries. Now, I also want to address this. What about children?

00:28:03 Speaker_01
A wise person I know once counseled her two daughters that they should, of course, feel free to fall in love with and marry whoever they want, but they should be extremely careful about choosing the person with whom they have children.

00:28:17 Speaker_01
Now, why exactly did she mean this? Well, she knew, and any person with children out there will confirm it, that the person you have children with is part of your life for, well, a lifetime.

00:28:30 Speaker_01
And in this case, the choice of whether to be friends or even polite and civil with each other is often decided on behalf of the children the two of you share.

00:28:40 Speaker_01
In which case, friendship may take a longer time to develop, and at first, I recommend proceeding carefully and with as much detachment as possible. I've seen friends with exes flourish, and I've seen friendships with exes go south very quickly.

00:28:55 Speaker_01
Sometimes you'll find that minus the romantic or sexual entanglement, the two of you don't have all that much to say to each other.

00:29:01 Speaker_01
In other cases, the absence of romance and sex can be clarifying and remind you that friendship and honesty and caring served as the basis of that relationship.

00:29:11 Speaker_01
I hope for your sakes that you fall into the second category, but if you don't, I have one last piece of advice to share with you. You don't have to be friends with your ex.

00:29:22 Speaker_01
No matter how guilty you feel about it, no matter how bad they make you feel, no matter how much your family or friends think it's the right thing to do, you don't have to be friends because you've both been hurt once and you don't want to hurt them twice.

00:29:37 Speaker_01
Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope this episode helped you. I hope it helps you heal. I hope you send it to a friend who's struggling right now. And thank you for being here with me on purpose.

00:29:49 Speaker_01
And remember, I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.

00:29:53 Speaker_01
Hey everyone, if you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak and dating.

00:30:09 Speaker_01
If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

00:30:14 Speaker_02
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.

00:30:27 Speaker_01
Sometimes life can seem hard and tough to navigate. But what may seem like the smallest tasks, such as getting out of bed or even brushing your teeth, should be celebrated as a win. And State Farm is here to help you celebrate all your wins.

00:30:39 Speaker_01
The State Farm Personal Price Plan helps you create an affordable price just for you. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

00:30:51 Speaker_01
Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

00:31:04 Speaker_01
Starting the journey to feeling great every day means adding some mindfulness to your daily routine, like taking a breather with quick meditation, nurturing your mind with positive affirmations, and looking after your mental wellness.

00:31:16 Speaker_01
Now let's translate that holistic approach to oral care. Colgate Total Plaque Pro release helps prevent oral health problems like gingivitis and cavities before they start.

00:31:27 Speaker_01
It lifts away plaque for two times less gum-harming plaque versus regular fluoride toothpaste with twice daily brushing for six months. With Colgate Total Plaque Pro release, you'll be well on your way to good oral health and a healthy lifestyle.

00:31:43 Speaker_01
Be dentist ready and get Colgate Total Plaque Pro release at shop.colgate.com forward slash total.

00:31:52 Speaker_03
This podcast is supported by BetterHelp, offering licensed therapists you can connect with via video, phone, or chat. Here's BetterHelp Head of Clinical Operations, Hesu Jo, discussing who can benefit from therapy.

00:32:07 Speaker_00
I think a lot of people think that you're supposed to be going to therapy once you're like having panic attacks every day.

00:32:13 Speaker_00
But before you get to that point, I think once you start even noticing that you feel a little bit off and you can't maintain this harmony that you once had in relationships, that could be a sign that maybe you want to go talk to somebody.

00:32:26 Speaker_00
There's always a benefit in talking to someone because we can all benefit from improved insight about ourselves and who we are and how we behave with other people.

00:32:36 Speaker_00
So if you're human, that's like a good indicator that you could benefit from talking to somebody.

00:32:41 Speaker_03
Find out if therapy is right for you. Visit betterhelp.com today. That's betterhelp.com.