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Episode: Benevolent! A Non-Canon Malevolent Christmas Special

Author: Harlan Guthrie
Duration: 00:24:36

Episode Shownotes

In "Benevolent! A Non-Canon Malevolent Christmas Special" Arthur & John find themselves stuck at home during the holidays after a terrible blizzard blows into town. With their holiday plans ruined and the turkey already cooked nothing seems to be working out the way they had hoped, until an unexpected guest

arrives... Join the cast of Malevolent for a holiday spectacular featuring musical guest Kristian Noel Pedersen and a number of other surprises! PLEASE NOTE: This episode of Malevolent is completely non-canon and full of jokes poking fun at the creator; characters and themes of Malevolent. It is not intended to cause offence and merely meant to be a holiday treat. It can additionally be skipped entirely. If you are enjoying this Podcast, please consider becoming a Patreon supporter to receive all Chapters as they are completed as well as the choices that you, the listener, get to make.Consider Supporting: https://www.patreon.com/TheINVICTUSStream Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Full Transcript

00:00:03 Speaker_03
Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary friends, welcome to Arthur and John's Benevolent! A non-canon malevolent Christmas special! Starring Arthur Lester and John! Alright, Miss Middleton.

00:00:32 Speaker_02
Just a minute. I said just a minute.

00:00:38 Speaker_03
Fine, we're coming. Well, someone is impatient. Arthur, wait. What? You can't answer the door dressed like that. What's wrong with how I'm dressed? The apron, it's... You should remove it first. The apron? Oh, well, I... Wait a minute.

00:01:07 Speaker_03
You bought me this apron. I did. As a Christmas Eve present. You said I could open it and wear it while I was cooking the turkey. I sure did. And you assured me that it wasn't anything silly. Of course. John. Arthur.

00:01:24 Speaker_03
Is there something offensive or silly on this apron? Are you still blind? You know I am. Then, no. John, you... The door! I know, I know. Hold your horses. Telegram for Arthur and John. Oh, why, thank you. It's Christmas Eve, and you're out delivering mail.

00:01:49 Speaker_03
Why, of course. The mail never stops. How much do I owe you? Say, aren't you Arthur Lester, the famous PI and star of Malevolent? Well, yes, I suppose I am. And that must make the disembodied voice John. Correct again. Wow, I love you guys.

00:02:06 Speaker_03
You're my favorite podcast. Thank you. I really must say, it's always nice to meet a fan of mine. It's not often that- Oh, no, no, no, no!

00:02:14 Speaker_02
I hate you.

00:02:16 Speaker_03
Oh.

00:02:16 Speaker_02
I'm a John-stan!

00:02:20 Speaker_03
Aren't they all? Well, regardless, thank you for being a fan. And thank you for the telegram. I hope you're nearly done. It's really coming down out there. Oh, yes. You're my last delivery.

00:02:32 Speaker_03
I'm heading back home for my Christmas Eve tradition of a tall glass of scotch and complaining on the internet. Oh. Good. And here's a bit of advice for you, my good man. Oh?

00:02:44 Speaker_03
Next time you answer the door, don't wear an apron that says, May I suggest a sausage? Merry Christmas! John. What? It's the only one that came in your size. You are encouraging Anyway, the turkey is almost done the telegram.

00:03:10 Speaker_03
Oh, yes, of course Well, what does it say? Dear Arthur and John stop the weather has grown worse stop I'm afraid with how dangerous the roads have gotten stop I Won't be able to make your Christmas Eve dinner! Stop!

00:03:30 Speaker_03
Signed... All your friends and family. No one is coming? But... But it's... Christmas Eve. I suppose that means we're... Alone for the holidays. Oh no. Oh, come on now. Enough of this. Enough of what? Feeling sorry for ourselves, Arthur.

00:04:26 Speaker_03
Well, we've only been sitting here for a few seconds and- Look, Christmas Eve won't be as full as we had hoped, but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time, right? I suppose not. And look, who's been through it more than us, eh? That's true.

00:04:42 Speaker_03
We've been through far worse. Of course we have! Remember when you had your femur shattered by the king in yellow? The elder god that I am a fracture of? Boy, do I. And remember when you stabbed yourself in the throat just so he wouldn't win? I sure do.

00:04:56 Speaker_03
And remember when you fell down that hole? Which hole? Remember falling down holes? You do that all the time and you're okay, aren't you? The PTSD... Aren't you? Damn straight! Well then snap out of it! We can make this Christmas the best one yet!

00:05:13 Speaker_03
I know it! Oh right, damn it! Nothing is going to get us down. Oh yeah? How about a little bit of this to pick up the mood, eh? Oh yeah! That's more like it! You know this one? Nope! That's okay! The lyrics are incredibly sexist anyway.

00:05:27 Speaker_03
Just say it's really cold and don't let me leave. Okay!

00:05:33 Speaker_03
I really can't stay... But Arthur, it's cold outside... I've got to go away... But Arthur, it's cold outside... This evening has been... More warmer than the cold outside... Got quite a ride... If we hold hands, the fans would die... Wonder if we're in a flood... Arthur, now what?

00:05:52 Speaker_03
It's your hurry. Snow is getting higher with time. Maybe we should open some wine. It's really getting out of control. If you leave he may fall into a hole. Maybe just a half a drink more.

00:06:03 Speaker_00
I don't think that.

00:06:05 Speaker_03
We shut the door. Huh? The door! Arthur! Arthur! Oh! Someone's at the door! Oh! Oh! Who's there? They're just outside. Oh! Come on in! Who could be out in a snowstorm like this? Someone in need of help. OSCAR! Oscar, old friend! How are you doing? How's the church?

00:06:26 Speaker_03
Please, come in. Warm yourself by the fire. Thank you. Thank you, boys. It's Christmas Eve, Oscar. Shouldn't you be in church with the church-goers? The people who believe in God? Or whatever?

00:06:38 Speaker_03
Yes, John, I should, but... Well, damn it all to hell if the roads aren't ploughed. What do you mean? They can't get to church. No, they can't. What's more is I have a whole group of children at the church waiting for their parents and the audience.

00:06:57 Speaker_03
Audience? So you left them all there? It's the children's choir performance tonight and no one is there. Well how can we help? No way I can think of. Unless you had a way to clear snow. or a way to bring all the visitors to the church safely.

00:07:14 Speaker_03
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He's got an idea. Oh, yes. One of Arthur's famous ideas. Come on, everyone. Use your brain.

00:07:29 Speaker_04
Think, Arthur, think. Think, think, think.

00:07:33 Speaker_03
I have it. Well, what is it? Do you remember when we closed the terror in the universe at the Allen Farm? Of course! Sure do!

00:07:45 Speaker_03
Well, if we reopen it, the parents should be able to enter a gateway on their side, cross through the dimension of pain, and exit right back into the church! They wouldn't even have to brave the snow! Only the unspeakable horrors of the outer plains.

00:08:02 Speaker_03
Arthur, you're brilliant. Oh, but we don't have the book or the pages. Don't we? John kept them on our shelf of oddities. Don't worry. They're all here. Thank you, boys. This is... It's a Christmas miracle.

00:08:27 Speaker_03
You get all those parents to their children safe and sound, okay? I can't guarantee safe or sound, but I'll try. Say, Oscar. Yes? Oscar. Oh, yes? After the concert, do you have anywhere to be? Sadly, no. I don't think I have plans this Christmas Eve.

00:08:51 Speaker_03
You do now. As soon as you're done there, you come back here for a turkey dinner that will change your life. It's a dinner date. Travel safe, Oscar. Wish me luck. Bye, Oscar. Bye. Goodbye. That felt... good.

00:09:14 Speaker_03
The holiday season is about helping others, Arthur. You taught me that. Hey, we both taught each other that. Now, what do you say we finish up that turkey and get ready for a... Oh no, what now? The power, Arthur. No power means no radio.

00:09:35 Speaker_03
Or no Christmas lights. Or no... CHRISTMAS DINNER! Oh, the turkey! It'll be ruined. And now we have a guest coming too. Oh no. How are we going to get out of this mess? Okay, okay. Are the lights on now? Nope. It's hopeless, Arthur.

00:10:26 Speaker_03
We're many things, but handy we are not. Speak for yourself. I have at least one hand. And I have the other. Oh, you're right. Without the power, we don't have a chance in hell at finishing that turkey in time for dinner. Oh, damn this snowstorm.

00:10:44 Speaker_03
It's not the weather's fault, Arthur. It's mine. What? Why? Well... I never told you this, but, well, a part of me wanted Christmas just with you and me. John. As friends. Canonically just friends. Of course. That part of this is Ken. Obviously.

00:11:11 Speaker_03
But, you know, it feels like having a little time to chat about everything that's happened and reminisce about the year. Well, it felt like that's what Christmas was about. Well, you're not wrong. After all, this is my first real Christmas. Wait.

00:11:33 Speaker_03
You're so right. How did I not realize it? I mean, I was there when Jesus was crucified. Well, we need to give you a proper Christmas, along with the lights on the trees and the smell of roast turkey. Come hell or high water. Thanks, Arthur.

00:11:48 Speaker_03
But what can we do? I don't know. What we really need is a... Not a visitor. It's so late. Almost dinner time. Should we let them in? I don't see why not. Who is it? An old friend. An old friend? Well, the season is about friends after all. Let him in.

00:12:17 Speaker_03
Heya, boys! Eddie! Eddie! We thought that we- Children! Hang on. Funny thing about that. See, I was- Eddie, you have the most perfect timing. I guessed as much. I was walking by the house and I saw that your Christmas lights weren't on.

00:12:35 Speaker_03
And I thought, if anyone needs a little Christmas cheer, it's Arthur Lester and that rascal inside his noggin, John. You're a god, Sand Daddy. Ha! It ain't God who sent me. Well, the box is over here by the bookshelf. No need!

00:12:49 Speaker_03
Just need to get up against the wall here and, uh... The lights! They're back on! Eddie, you fixed the power! Eddie, you're a miracle worker! Ah, what can I say? I'm a maintenance man for a reason. Wow, Eddie. We don't know how to thank you.

00:13:06 Speaker_03
Where are you headed now? Ah, nowhere in particular. I hear there's a good bar down the street I may drink my sorrows away at. Eddie? Mm-hmm. Huh? John and I would be honored if you would stay and have dinner with us tonight. You mean it? No fooling?

00:13:24 Speaker_03
Of course we mean it. It's the least we can do after I killed you. Wow. Thanks, boys. You really are all about the spirit of giving this year. What the hell? I'll do it.

00:13:36 Speaker_03
Let me drop my stuff off at the car, and I'll be back in time for the bird to hit the dinner table. We can't wait. Thanks, Eddie. Thank you, too. This is truly a Christmas miracle. See you soon.

00:13:53 Speaker_03
Well, it looks like our holiday fiasco is turning out to be quite the event. Oscar, Eddie! Hey, maybe it won't be too quiet after all. I'm sorry, I know you wanted- No, Arthur. What I really want is an authentic Christmas experience.

00:14:11 Speaker_03
And that's exactly what we're going to have! You're damn right. Well, with the power back on, I might as well go check on the turkey.

00:14:18 Speaker_04
Good call.

00:14:30 Speaker_03
Ow! What happened? The damn turkey! I burnt my hand taking it out of the oven! Oh no! Are you okay? Yes, I suppose so, but... But what? I don't think I can play piano. But you could play previously when I had control of the hand.

00:14:53 Speaker_03
You didn't have control, but somehow you played with both hands in the music store. Well, that's okay, right? What is Christmas without music, John? It's the most important part, to me at least.

00:15:08 Speaker_03
All the beautiful soft melodies and tunes you hum year-round. But I just... I don't think I can play. We'll have to find another solution. I'm sure something will happen. I'm sure something will ha- Yeah. Another person trapped in the storm?

00:15:31 Speaker_03
Should we ignore it? It's Christmas Eve. Let's help them out. Agreed. Hello?

00:15:40 Speaker_01
Hey guys.

00:15:41 Speaker_03
Wow! It's holiday recording artist Christian Noel Peterson!

00:15:47 Speaker_01
Hey, how are you? Yeah, my van broke down out front and I saw the Christmas lights. They're so bright and beautiful. I just had to come in and also see if I could use your phone.

00:15:59 Speaker_03
We don't have a phone, but we do have Christmas spirit in abundance. Only... Only what, Arthur? Only Arthur's hurt his hand and can't play piano. And what is Christmas without... Without music. Exactly.

00:16:15 Speaker_01
You get it. Well, I'm no Arthur Lester on the keys, but if you'd like, I'd be happy to perform one of my songs for my new album here for you all tonight. Wow, would you? Really? You can't be serious. Of course I'm serious.

00:16:32 Speaker_01
Serious about Christmas and spreading holiday cheer. We'd be honored, Christian. What do you need? Nothing but a piano. Ah, here we are. I hope this puts you in the holiday mood, boys.

00:16:59 Speaker_00
Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be light. From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.

00:17:20 Speaker_00
Have yourself a merry little Christmas Make the Yuletide gay From now on our troubles will be miles away Here we are as in golden days Happy golden days of yore

00:17:51 Speaker_00
Faithful friends who are dear to us Gather near to us once more Through the years we all will be together If the fates allow Hang a shining star upon the highest Wow!

00:18:39 Speaker_03
Thank you, Christian. That was remarkable. It put me right in the mood. I can't believe how lucky we are. Do you need to use the phone still, or... You know what, Arthur?

00:18:48 Speaker_01
That song put me in such a good Christmasy mood that I think I'll just enjoy the snow and walk to my mother-in-law's house. You're sure? Of course. After all, it's Christmas Eve. I'd rather enjoy the lights and winter wonderland.

00:19:02 Speaker_03
Sounds pretty magical to me.

00:19:03 Speaker_01
You know what I say? There's always a bit of magic around Christmas.

00:19:09 Speaker_03
Thank you, Christian. You saved this Christmas Eve.

00:19:13 Speaker_01
No, thank you guys. You made my Christmas that much more benevolent. See you soon, boys. Bye. Bye, Christian.

00:19:21 Speaker_03
Bye, Christian. Well, the turkey's almost ready. The mashed potatoes and brown gluten are all but done. Are you okay? You seem a little sad. There's an empty chair tonight. No matter who couldn't come or will come, it'll still be empty. Hmm.

00:19:50 Speaker_03
I think I know whose chair that belongs to. It's always a difficult time of year, but I know deep down that, uh... But I know, deep down, that, uh... Oh my god. Oh my god. What is the line? I don't know.

00:20:12 Speaker_03
Oh, it's something about... I don't know, deep down, that I'm not alone or something. Fuck! Let's make it up. Quickly, before- Hot! Goddammit! Three hours I gave you! Three whole hours while I assembled this... audience?

00:20:36 Speaker_03
You couldn't learn 3,000 simple words. Arthur Lester Kong now. This is easy. The chair, but I know deep down that I'm never alone. Never alone! Sorry, Kane.

00:20:49 Speaker_03
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I

00:21:04 Speaker_03
He's just going to blow up your heads and replace you with another version of Arthur from another timeline? Yes! You took the words right out of my mouth, Yellow Jacket. Now! You've made the audience uncomfortable. Look at all their bleeding faces.

00:21:20 Speaker_03
Oh, you know how long it took me to make them? Look at them! Mindless, empty shelves.

00:21:30 Speaker_02
Oh!

00:21:31 Speaker_03
Alright.

00:21:32 Speaker_02
You know what?

00:21:34 Speaker_03
Rewrites! Here. Just read from this. I rewrote the ending to have a little more color. Cause, well, let's face it. You boys are just a bit... Milk Toast. Milk Toast? Take it from AfterChristianLeaves. Okay? Okay, good.

00:21:53 Speaker_03
And you all... Forget you saw any of this. Um, well, the turkey's almost ready, the mashed potatoes and brunt gluten are all done, but... Are you okay? You seem a little sad. There's a chair empty tonight.

00:22:17 Speaker_03
No matter who couldn't come, or will come, it'll still be empty because... We should get the door. Yes. Wait, John. That chair won't be empty anymore. Why? He's finally come! Kane! You're here! Hey, boys! Kane!

00:22:40 Speaker_03
I couldn't miss out on another holiday event with my boys! I'm so glad you came! Finally, after all these years! I just wanted to see you, Artie! And look, I brought Eddie and Oscar! Hey, I'm here too! Hey, Orpher! John!

00:22:54 Speaker_03
I hope it's okay, I've got the kids with me from the children's box. Oh, yeah. Their flesh is melded with the alien world upon moving through the outer dimension. But their voices can sing still! Shall we hear them sing? Yes, sing a song, for all of us.

00:23:33 Speaker_03
Wow Well, it turns out that this is the best Christmas Eve ever with Eddie Oscar and even Kane John Do you feel the spirit? More than ever, Arthur! Well, then I suppose we should all sit down for dinner.

00:23:54 Speaker_03
And from our malevolent family to yours... Merry Christmas! Well done, everyone! Well done! And... scene! Well, it's a little dry, Arthur.