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Episode: Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

Author: Glennon Doyle and Audacy
Duration: 00:55:31

Episode Shownotes

What is gaslighting REALLY and what isn’t? Plus, how to know if you’re in a relationship with a gaslighter, the three types of gaslighters, and how to break free from a gaslighter and reclaim yourself. About Dr. Stern: Robin Stern, Ph.D., is the co-founder and associate director for the Yale

Center for Emotional Intelligence and an associate research scientist at the Child Study Center at Yale. She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples, and families. She is the author of The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide: Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. TW: @RobinSStern IG: @dr.robinstern To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Full Transcript

00:00:11 Speaker_04
Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. Today, we are talking about something that the world seems to finally be talking about, which is gas lighting. Today we have one of the world's experts on gaslighting. She actually coined the term gaslight effect.

00:00:27 Speaker_04
Her name is Dr. Robin Stern, and she's going to talk to us today about what gaslighting is, what it isn't, who is most susceptible to gaslighting, and how we can get ourselves out of gaslighting relationships and make ourselves gaslight resistant.

00:00:45 Speaker_04
I cannot wait for this conversation. I really think that all of my 40s and likely much of my 50s will be about un-gaslighting myself and learning to become gaslight resistant.

00:01:05 Speaker_04
That's the refrain, the thesis statement of Untamed was I'm not crazy, I'm a goddamn cheetah because I think a lot about growing up as a woman is about rejecting the idea that there was ever anything wrong with you.

00:01:24 Speaker_04
And so this topic, I just find absolutely fascinating. It's what I'm doing in my everyday life and I can't wait to get some expert. Advice from Dr. Robin Stern.

00:01:36 Speaker_04
Dr. Robin Stern is the co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and an associate research scientist at the Child Study Center at Yale.

00:01:46 Speaker_04
She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples, and families. She is the author of the Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide, Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. Welcome, Dr. Stern.

00:02:01 Speaker_02
Thank you to start. Thank you. I am so excited to be here and I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing right now than talking to you amazing women about gaslighting and just surviving hard things.

00:02:15 Speaker_04
Yes. Well, I'm so grateful to you. I know you use he and she because in your practice, you have seen mostly men gaslighting and women as gaslightees, which is very interesting, of course, because women are conditioned to be more empathic.

00:02:31 Speaker_04
It's not like we're all born gaslighters or gaslightees. We are conditioned. But Abby and I are married and lesbians be gaslighting the shit out of each other. Okay. Most of our friends are two women in couples. Gaslighting abounds.

00:02:47 Speaker_00
Power struggle in relationships.

00:02:49 Speaker_02
Right, right, right. Yes, I get that. And after I wrote my book, I got a lot of email from people who said, guess what? You may be seeing this, but it's happening here and here and here. And in the recovery guide, I did add some lesbian couples.

00:03:07 Speaker_02
I added some guys who were gaslighted.

00:03:10 Speaker_04
It seems to me that the world has just recently caught up to the work that you've been doing for a very, very long time about gaslighting because you actually coined the term gaslighting effect.

00:03:22 Speaker_04
That was a long time ago and now it's just so in the zeitgeist. We're catching up to you. So can you start by explaining to us what the origin of the word gaslighting is? Sure.

00:03:36 Speaker_02
So there was a play in England in 1938 by Patrick Hamilton that was a gaslight that was made into a popular movie with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer in 1944.

00:03:50 Speaker_02
And I personally watched that movie maybe a dozen times before I I wrote about gaslighting and coined the term gaslight effect. And in that movie, a

00:04:02 Speaker_02
adoring wife allowed her husband to manipulate her objects in the room, lead her to question her sanity, in the service of staying connected to him, in the service of not angering him, in the service of keeping herself in that loving relationship and allowing her own idealization and fantasy to continue.

00:04:26 Speaker_02
And her husband, who was a diabolical guy who in that case was after her money and her aunt's jewels, was brilliant at manipulating her, at leading her to second guess herself.

00:04:41 Speaker_02
Shortly into the movie he talks to her about how she's forgetful and initially she says, That's so silly. Of course, I don't forget things. I don't know. And then the audience watches him steal a piece of jewelry.

00:04:55 Speaker_02
He puts it in her like a bag that she's carrying on their outing. And we watch her looking for it. We know he stole it. And suddenly she's second guessing herself. Maybe I am forgetful as she's looking through her bag and you can watch her tension rise.

00:05:13 Speaker_02
And so in like a seven minute clip, You can see the gaslighting going from stage one, that's so silly, of course I have memory, to stage two, maybe he's right. I am tired. Maybe I am more forgetful than I thought. And so I was just fascinated by that.

00:05:34 Speaker_02
What I was really fascinated by was the similarity as I became a therapist to women I was seeing who were on the outside together.

00:05:46 Speaker_02
and in charge of their lives and seem confident, just like the Ingrid Bergman character did in every area of their life. And then in this one area, this intimate relationship, suddenly they couldn't even remember if they remembered correctly.

00:06:03 Speaker_02
And that was fascinating to me. How did this person give over their power? How did someone else get all that power to tell you that what you know is not right, that there's something wrong, and to completely beat up on your credibility.

00:06:22 Speaker_02
I'd be happy to read for the listeners just the list of red flags. That would be wonderful. And this is true with a little bit of a shift for work and for family too, although as we talked about family is more complicated, but are you being gaslighted?

00:06:41 Speaker_02
If you answer yes, to one or more of these things than maybe you are. You're constantly second guessing yourself. You ask yourself, am I too sensitive a dozen times a day? You often feel confused and crazy, even at work.

00:06:57 Speaker_02
You're always apologizing to your mother, your father, your partner, your boss. You frequently wonder if you're good enough. You can't understand why with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.

00:07:13 Speaker_02
You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what they would like instead of what would make you feel great.

00:07:25 Speaker_02
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family, so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

00:07:36 Speaker_02
You know something is wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself. You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists. You have trouble making simple decisions.

00:07:49 Speaker_02
You think twice before bringing up seemingly innocent topics of conversation. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.

00:08:04 Speaker_02
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person, more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed. You feel as though you can't do anything right. Your kids try to protect you from your partner.

00:08:19 Speaker_02
You find yourself furious with people you've always gotten along with. You feel hopeless and joyless.

00:08:27 Speaker_05
Wow.

00:08:28 Speaker_03
We did an episode where we were talking about my relationships over time and one of the things I talked about is how in one of my relationships I found myself in this absolutely don't know how I got here insane place where I would literally call my boyfriend and leave him voicemails

00:08:48 Speaker_03
telling him that I had cursed. I was confessing to him in some kind of like, I don't know, plea to absolve me and say that I was okay and good. And I don't know how the hell I got there.

00:09:04 Speaker_03
And after reading your book, I now see it very clearly what was happening to get me to that absolutely extreme place. Can you tell us how it looks in relationships when this happens? What is it not, what is gaslighting concretely in a relationship?

00:09:25 Speaker_02
It's the undermining of reality. It's the undermining of the ground you stand on. So what happens in couples is that it happens a little bit. Think about your own experience. When did he say to you, you shouldn't be cursing? I'll help you with that.

00:09:45 Speaker_02
It happens like that, where somebody says something, and you think, either, that's crazy, or maybe, okay, maybe that's a good idea. It's gonna help me. Or, I need this from you. If you loved me, you would. So does that resonate with you?

00:10:03 Speaker_03
It does. It really does. The whole going from the place where you're flirting with that person, going from the place where you're like, that is preposterous.

00:10:14 Speaker_03
You don't have a healthy perception of what's going on versus slowly to the place where you accept, oh no, I must not have a healthy perception of what's going on.

00:10:27 Speaker_02
Yeah. That's it. Well, we are trained as women to be agreeable. We are trained to stand in someone else's shoes. We are trained to see whether or not we can accommodate.

00:10:43 Speaker_02
And we have an urge to be like joined with that person so that we're seeing the world in the same way. And the other thing that I think is so powerful is when someone is that certain and keeps insisting, of course you're flirting.

00:10:59 Speaker_02
Don't you see how people are responding to you? Look at your facial expressions. Like, are you completely unaware of them? Come on. Even if you begin to have that opening of maybe he's right. Yeah.

00:11:13 Speaker_04
What's interesting to me about this is that you mentioned too in your work that women can have the double shame. We're being gaslighted, but then we feel double shame that we're supposed to be strong people. And how are we being gaslighted?

00:11:25 Speaker_04
But what's interesting to me is that very strong women are often the people who are gaslighted. You even point out in your work that it can be a reaction to the idea that, oh wait, I'm with a woman and her power is greater than mine.

00:11:40 Speaker_04
And so I'm going to correct it by putting her in her place, throwing her off balance. Like Amanda, when I think about that relationship, you were, in terms of in high school, more powerful than that guy was in terms of social standing.

00:11:56 Speaker_04
And often in marriages, when a woman is making more money or when a woman is stepping out of line in terms of gender expectations, that's when the gaslighting comes. So it's important not to feel shame about having been gaslighted.

00:12:10 Speaker_00
Robin, I have a question about your own personal experience with gaslighting. Would you mind sharing some of that with us? Sure.

00:12:18 Speaker_02
So I thought a lot about that in the run up to coming on the show today also. And I thought, well, was I ever gaslighted as a child? And I think not so much one on one. I don't think either of my parents were gaslighters.

00:12:38 Speaker_02
They were critical, but they were loving. And yet we had this kind of drama going on in the house where my father, who was either very, very happy or very, very angry. And so it was like, OK, and normal for him to be very, very angry.

00:12:56 Speaker_02
And everybody would feel OK and normal about hiding in their bedrooms.

00:13:00 Speaker_02
And so it's a little bit like the gaslighting that goes on in society, which is then makes for fertile ground for individual relationship gaslighting, where you just accept because it is the air you breathe, this thing that seems completely normal, that makes you feel scared and terrified some of the time.

00:13:19 Speaker_02
It's not normal. It's not okay. So that's a little background. that I'm actually going to check out with my brother when I get off this podcast. But when I, I was married to my ex-husband and he grew up as a pianist. He had no rules.

00:13:36 Speaker_02
There were no boundaries. He played the piano till whenever he wanted and there was no one ever told him to stop. He never had to be anywhere on time because after all he was an artist.

00:13:46 Speaker_02
So I like to make dinner and I would like to make dinner at a certain time. And we had kids and we have two, I have two wonderful children, and he would be late, but not just five minutes late, 20 minutes late, a half hour late.

00:14:02 Speaker_02
And sometimes he'd call after 40 minutes and say, I'm on my way home. And so he would come in and I would say, next time, can you please call me? And it would go on like that. I wish you would let me know. I feel disrespected.

00:14:17 Speaker_02
Can we talk about your being late? And he would say, you have a problem.

00:14:22 Speaker_02
And he would say that my problem was that I learned things that were false about being late, that I learned to associate it with disrespect, that I learned to associate it with not being kind or good to the other person, but really it was just a question of whatever he made up at the time.

00:14:44 Speaker_02
And I thought to myself, that's ridiculous. But over time, when he would come late to dinner or late to the kids choral concert or late to the school meeting and he would tell me don't start i'm fine if you have a problem with my being late

00:15:06 Speaker_02
maybe you need to see someone about it. And so you could tell the relationship was already devolving anyway. But I began to think and I was writing about gaslighting at the time.

00:15:17 Speaker_03
Wow.

00:15:18 Speaker_02
And I was somebody who was pretty confident in my own perceptions. And I was working at a psychoanalytic institute and I was teaching about reality. I was teaching what is subjective reality and objective reality.

00:15:33 Speaker_02
And I'm watching this process in my own mind. and thinking, he's gaslighting me, but what if he's right? And it was amazing to me.

00:15:47 Speaker_02
And I think that I managed to be so fascinated by the fact that it was happening that I wasn't really feeling the discomfort about it for quite some time.

00:15:59 Speaker_02
Because we can get into the explanation trap, oh, this is really fascinating, let's kind of figure this out, rather than, I don't like this, I don't want this anymore.

00:16:19 Speaker_01
Hey everyone, it's Aliza Kelly, astrologer and host of the Open Mind original podcast, Horoscope Weekly. Every Monday, I decode the universe to help navigate your life. Plus, I give detailed forecasts tailored to your unique zodiac sign.

00:16:36 Speaker_01
Follow and listen to Horoscope Weekly, an Odyssey podcast in partnership with Open Mind Studios, available now on the free Odyssey app and wherever you get your podcasts.

00:16:55 Speaker_00
So we have people that are listening to this right now and are confused because it's not necessarily like the easiest thing to understand, especially when you're being gaslighted.

00:17:09 Speaker_00
How do you know that you are in a gaslighting relationship and what are the signs and red flags for folks listening to look for?

00:17:19 Speaker_02
Well, thank you for that question and for the reminder that we have people who are listening because I was just here with you.

00:17:24 Speaker_04
I know, I love you so much for saying that you were studying it and then you didn't even know it was happening to you because that is the story of my damn life. So thank you.

00:17:33 Speaker_02
Yeah, well, if I can't say it here really, where can I say that, right? First of all, it is never okay for someone to use anything about you to criticize you. And it's rarely about who's right and wrong. It's always about how do you feel?

00:17:50 Speaker_02
So if you are in a disagreement with someone, which is fine, we disagree with people. We bump up against people. That's how we know where our boundaries are. But if you're suddenly in this disagreement and you feel

00:18:04 Speaker_02
like you're being psychologically beaten up, it's not okay. It's probably veering into gaslighting because there's a pivot. Gaslighting is, I say to you, um, hey, you know what, like you've been avoiding my phone calls.

00:18:20 Speaker_02
And, and I'm really uncomfortable with that. And you say, oh, I'm not, just don't worry about it, I'm just busy. And then I say it to you again, because I'm pretty sure that like that's happening. And you say to me, you know what, you're too needy.

00:18:38 Speaker_02
You're so sensitive. Like what's going on with you? Suddenly, and this is for the listeners, the conversation is no longer about,

00:18:49 Speaker_02
my trying to have a conversation with you about the fact that I'm feeling neglected by you or rejected by you, now the conversation is about my sensitivity or my neediness.

00:19:01 Speaker_02
And so I'm walking away from that conversation, I'm thinking, well, you know what, I am. And what's really important for listeners and people struggling is that even if you are, that has nothing to do with the fact

00:19:18 Speaker_02
that the person you're talking to didn't call you, didn't wait for you, didn't contact you.

00:19:27 Speaker_03
I love your both and strategy. I am sensitive and you are not calling me back. I am a very high-strung person. And you're not pulling your weight.

00:19:38 Speaker_03
Because it's so easy to accept the invitation into this parallel argument where you're never going to have your needs met on the thing you originally brought. So it's a really nice way to be like, you're exactly right.

00:19:53 Speaker_03
And also, let's continue to talk about your thing.

00:19:56 Speaker_02
Right. And if you're saying that, you're not dancing the Gaslight Tango because you are saying, you know what? You're right. I am sensitive. And can we get back to that thing I was talking about before that?

00:20:08 Speaker_04
Because it's not about the thing. It's the Gaslightees becoming more invested in changing the Gaslighters' perception of them. That's right. It's not even about the problem anymore. It's about, no, no, no. I don't think I'm that way.

00:20:20 Speaker_04
And you must agree with me, which you call the urge to merge. So can you talk to us about how the urge to merge gets us into the gaslight tango?

00:20:27 Speaker_02
Yeah. In my experience over three decades of working with people, many of whom have suffered and struggled with the gaslight effect, one of the hardest places to be is when you can't let go of that desire to change your gaslighter's mind.

00:20:44 Speaker_02
So he tells you, you're so paranoid, or you're too sensitive, or you're too needy, or you're too whatever, and you can't stand that. You can't stand that he thinks that of you. And you've decided that you can't leave the relationship.

00:20:59 Speaker_02
or you can't create the distance you want. You can't even limit it until you can convince him. Of course, you're not thinking it through. You're just in that moment of, I can't stand that.

00:21:09 Speaker_02
I always get this image of this one couple I worked with years ago where he would say, she follows me around the house. Like that's unacceptable. As if her response and her neediness was the problem as opposed to his gaslighting.

00:21:25 Speaker_02
But it does become a problem for the gaslighting too. because you do have an urge to be joined with your gas lighter. And if he's not going to come over, if you can't go to his side and you're defending yourself, you want him to come to your side.

00:21:41 Speaker_04
So it's the urge to merge a single perspective. It's to merge into a single perspective. We must have this one perspective.

00:21:49 Speaker_02
Yeah. I mean, we're going to hold hands and look at the world together. We're going to hold hands and be joined in the way we think about things. And when we feel that very strongly, when we have that need very strongly, then we have to agree.

00:22:05 Speaker_02
And most of the time in gaslighting relationships is if you can't get him to agree, then you're going to agree.

00:22:12 Speaker_04
Okay, so how does that look in the scenario in which my sister is at a party and she comes back after the party with her ex-boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend says, you were flirting. I saw you flirting.

00:22:27 Speaker_04
And if she's in her gaslighting phase, she says what, sister?

00:22:34 Speaker_03
Well, it depends how far along I was. Originally, I'd be like, you're crazy. You have misconstrued that situation. That is not what it is. But a little farther in, it would be, wait, tell me what happened. Wait, who?

00:22:48 Speaker_03
Maybe I should go ask my friend if that's what I was doing. I think, okay, I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. And then progressing to the point where I would proactively get in front of it. I'm sorry for that thing that I didn't do.

00:23:06 Speaker_00
And then how does that change your behavior at the party the next time? Oh, you do. You just become smaller and smaller, right?

00:23:14 Speaker_02
Become smaller and smaller. And and first, I'm sorry that you went through that. That sounds like it was most likely very painful. And I was wondering what happened between time one and time two.

00:23:27 Speaker_02
So time one, when you thought like, don't be silly, and time two, when you were saying, wait, like, what did you see? What happened for you? Did you think about it at all? Or did you just think, I don't know what's wrong with him.

00:23:38 Speaker_02
He's like really being weird.

00:23:42 Speaker_03
I think it was, that thing that you're talking about of the, a good person and good woman seeks to empathize and seeks to understand the other perspective. And I love him, so I don't want to upset him. And so this is clearly upsetting to him.

00:24:03 Speaker_03
So whether or not I'm intending or actually doing this thing has very little to do with whether he's upset, so I just need to change my behavior so that he doesn't get upset.

00:24:18 Speaker_02
Yeah, exactly, because it's really important that he never gets upset, because when he gets upset, he tells you there's something wrong with you.

00:24:26 Speaker_02
a woman came to therapy and said to me, my boyfriend told me that if, when we walk down the street, he'd like me to look down at the pavement. Because if I look at the pavement, then I won't be flirting with anyone else.

00:24:43 Speaker_02
And I don't really think I'm flirting with people, but like, now when we go into a restaurant, I always take the chair facing the wall. And when I'm walking down the street, he asked me to do that, and what do you think? And it was very hard.

00:25:04 Speaker_02
And I can tell by your facial expressions that you get that it was very hard for this woman, because it's true that if she looked at the pavement, that gaslighting wouldn't happen, because he would never be triggered, because she'd never do anything, because she'd always be joined with him.

00:25:25 Speaker_04
You say in your work that gaslighting is always the creation of two people, the gaslighter who sows confusion and doubt and a gaslightee who is willing to doubt their own perceptions to keep the relationship going.

00:25:42 Speaker_04
Okay, let's talk about that because one of the things that makes me uncomfortable with that definition is that for me, I feel like I learned how to be a gaslighty as a child, right? And by the way, I think a lot of old parenting was just gaslighting.

00:26:05 Speaker_04
Like parents telling you, what's happening is not what you think is happening. Mommy's not tired. Mommy's not angry. Daddy's not like just all, I think parenting could be constant gaslighting. But I feel like as a child, I was gaslighted plenty.

00:26:21 Speaker_04
but I didn't have the power to leave.

00:26:26 Speaker_02
But you're, you're asking two different questions. One is like, do you have responsibility in getting into it? And then the second is, do you have agency to get out? Right. So when I say you need to be willing, You're complicit.

00:26:43 Speaker_02
And it's not victim blaming. I mean, those of us who have been targeted did not wake up one morning and say, you know, this sounds like a good idea. I think that like I'll look for a gaslighting relationship and I'll be open to it. No.

00:26:56 Speaker_02
But when what's most important. is to preserve the relationship. When what's most important is to mirror this guy so he feels like you're empathic with him.

00:27:08 Speaker_02
So he's not gonna be angry at you and use the emotional apocalypse of threatening you or blaming you, criticizing you. Then that allows you to walk into the dance. It allows you to say, well, tell me what I'm doing. Like I won't do it again.

00:27:26 Speaker_02
which you might've come to that conclusion anyway. Look, if it makes you really uncomfortable and it doesn't seem like it's too much for you to give up, maybe you would say that, but not while you're being put down and undermined because of it.

00:27:41 Speaker_02
So when using the word willing, my hope is that people will know if they can walk into it, they can walk out of it.

00:27:51 Speaker_04
So this is not then applying to kids, because kids can't walk in and out.

00:27:56 Speaker_02
That's right. And in a family, it's very confusing because most of the time when you're growing up in your family, as I was describing my own family, where like angry explosion is just like, that's normal. Well, it's kind of not, right?

00:28:15 Speaker_02
And parents saying, you're not hungry, you're tired, telling you what you feel or teaching you over time That you don't know how to trust your feelings and you shouldn't in fact trust your feelings Or lying about their own. No.

00:28:31 Speaker_02
No, i'm fine when you just heard your mom crying on the phone. So When you're a child and you grow up and even worse When you grow up where the gaslighting is about you you're worthless You're just so lazy. You're not going to find anyone

00:28:48 Speaker_02
And then that becomes your self-talk, and that becomes the scared feelings, your vulnerable feelings that you never wanna share with anyone, keeping you at a distance in all relationships.

00:29:00 Speaker_02
But when you can begin to critically think, and it has to be taught to you, maybe you don't leave, but then you say, I'm not having those conversations with my mom anymore.

00:29:15 Speaker_04
I'm so amazed by this whole concept because I don't feel like I've ever truly been in a relationship until now where I wasn't actively being gaslighted. I think it's the work of our lives.

00:29:29 Speaker_04
to believe that we have a self, that there's no writer that is experiencing life in a certain way.

00:29:36 Speaker_04
I mean, I just had a conversation with my therapist this week where I was, I'm struggling in this one relationship and I'm scared to tell the person that this thing they're doing is bothering me and this thing they're doing is bothering me.

00:29:47 Speaker_04
And my therapist said, Glennon, if 10 other people think that person's behavior is perfect, but it's bothering you, you get to say it. And to me, I'm just thinking, but what if I'm too sensitive? Why is what I'm saying right and hers wrong?

00:30:05 Speaker_04
What gives me the right to even say anything? I just think this is like varsity level stuff.

00:30:26 Speaker_03
Can I ask you what the difference is between gaslighting and then two people who are in a relationship that just have a different perspective?

00:30:35 Speaker_03
I think part of the issue here is what seems like subtlety and like, oh, are we not allowed to have a different perspective or else we're deemed to be gaslighting? What is the hallmark of gaslighting that differentiates it from that?

00:30:50 Speaker_02
the undermining of who you think you are or something about you. It's not that you have a different opinion. It's that you don't know how to think straight. Of course we have a different opinion about this because you don't know how to think straight.

00:31:05 Speaker_02
And here are the multiple examples of how you don't know how to think straight. Or you say that, but nobody would agree with you.

00:31:14 Speaker_04
Yeah. So the moment is you're so paranoid. That's right. It's the moment where the thing jumps from the issue straight to the other person's character.

00:31:26 Speaker_02
Character or sanity or perception or feelings.

00:31:30 Speaker_00
And the whole purpose for the gaslighter is to retain power and control.

00:31:36 Speaker_02
By destabilizing.

00:31:37 Speaker_00
By destabilizing the gaslightee. Yes.

00:31:39 Speaker_02
Yes. Thank you for that because it's a really important piece. We forget that not all gaslighters are diabolical. Many of them are just like feeling fragmented in the moment on the spot. I got caught in something. And so how do I stabilize myself?

00:31:56 Speaker_02
How do I become what we call clinically cohesive? How do I bring myself together? How do I stand on the ground myself? Well, I'm gonna do that by destabilizing you.

00:32:07 Speaker_03
Yeah, I think of it like a tug of war where the gaslighter is pulling on this side and saying, you're ridiculous, that doesn't make sense, you never make sense, you're paranoid.

00:32:19 Speaker_03
And if you are pulling saying, no, I'm not here, let me prove it to you, I'm not, let me show you, then that is what keeps the connection there. Whereas if the gas lady was just like,

00:32:31 Speaker_03
you're nuts, I don't know what you're talking about, and let go, there would be no more connection there. There would be no more of the thing that the gaslighter needs, which is to keep you hanging on, to keep you pulling.

00:32:43 Speaker_02
Exactly, exactly. Did you feel that in your relationship, where there was that, like he needed to keep you by controlling you, right? Yes. Yeah. And so the minute you decide that you don't have to do that,

00:33:00 Speaker_02
is the same minute or the minute after you decide that you can live without him.

00:33:05 Speaker_03
And often you think you're devoted to the person, but you're actually more devoted in the relationship to the perception of yourself as good and sane. So you realize that you can actually take that with you.

00:33:19 Speaker_03
You're not losing as much in letting go of the relationship as you think you stand to lose, which you think is your whole perception of your sanity. Exactly.

00:33:26 Speaker_02
And that's so important. And it's one of the reasons why it often takes a third person who comes in and says, what are you doing? This isn't, like, you're not the same person you used to be. Like, I never see you anymore. This is crazy.

00:33:43 Speaker_02
And suddenly you realize that some of what you need, it's already there inside of you. And some of what you need can come from someone else.

00:33:54 Speaker_04
And are we more susceptible to gaslighting within romantic relationships because we're so isolated in them?

00:34:02 Speaker_04
with friendships, we don't feel a disloyalty by going outside of the friendship and saying, hold on, can I run this by you because she just did this and I feel like weird about this.

00:34:13 Speaker_04
But in our marriages, we've created this culture where we feel disloyal discussing it. When you feel disloyal discussing anything, you are susceptible to being in this weird little cult.

00:34:26 Speaker_02
Right. That's right. And then the worse it gets in your relationship or the more

00:34:31 Speaker_02
you feel ashamed, or the more you have those very vulnerable feelings that you don't want to share, or the crazier your gaslighter seems, so you certainly don't want to tell your friends about it because you know what they're going to say, the more isolated you become.

00:34:46 Speaker_02
And so it just begins to feed on each other. And what's amazing, and I wonder, Amanda, whether this was true for you too, at the very beginning of a relationship, there are signs.

00:35:00 Speaker_02
hmm somebody does something that you just think this is off but you're not paying attention to that at that moment because what you're paying attention to is i'm so attracted to him i think he's my soulmate oh my god he's so smart i've never been able to have a conversation like this he's so kind this is what i hear in my practice he knows how to be intimate like i just need to be with him

00:35:23 Speaker_00
Do you think it's like impossible in relationships to not have moments of being gaslighted or being the gaslighter?

00:35:31 Speaker_00
Cause it feels like when I was reading your book, I just kept thinking, oh my gosh, how many times I was gaslighted or also, which is more scary for me to think about is how many times I've been the gaslighter and I haven't, I didn't know I was doing it.

00:35:50 Speaker_04
I felt that when I was reading, I was like, oh, I've done this.

00:35:52 Speaker_04
I've done this with Abby even, where she's come to me with a fear about our relationship that has cut so deep for me and made me so scared about who I was that I have then created a case for why that's not the case.

00:36:06 Speaker_04
And then she will say, I can't win this. I'm just, I'm hurt. I can't win this.

00:36:13 Speaker_02
That's not an unimportant thing that you just said. The fact that you would say, Abby, I'm hurt, I can't win this, I'm hurt. Like you're sharing your authentic self. You are able to have an authentic conversation.

00:36:26 Speaker_02
You trust enough that you can share your feelings. That's different than in a relationship where you really feel that every time you open your mouth, like, oh, there you go again, using your psychology on me, you know, or something.

00:36:45 Speaker_04
One of the things that I took so much that hit me in the heart was when you talk about how in a gaslighting relationship, whether it's with a romantic partner or your mother, what happens is you become obsessed with the argument about this relationship is whether I am bad with money or good with money.

00:37:06 Speaker_04
My point here is, am I bad or good with money? Am I bad or good? Am I bad or good? Instead of saying, do I feel bad or good in this? Do I feel bad? I don't like this regardless of whether I'm right or wrong. I don't like how this feels so I'm out.

00:37:23 Speaker_02
And it's such a familiar story. You know, you go on a date with somebody or you, you meet someone for the first time, you have a great connection and you go out to dinner and you write a nice note saying great to meet you.

00:37:36 Speaker_02
And you don't hear from that person. And then a week later, that person calls you and says, you know, let's get together again. And. you're not thinking to yourself, do I wanna get together with somebody who waited a week to respond to my text?

00:37:51 Speaker_02
Do I like that? And maybe the first time you say, okay, who knows, maybe she had COVID, maybe she was on a business trip, whatever. But when somebody regularly treats you like that, we are more like, what's going on with her?

00:38:05 Speaker_02
I wonder why she doesn't respond right away. I wonder if she had a bad experience with a relationship or controlling mother or whatever it is that we can entertain ourselves.

00:38:19 Speaker_02
And I mean that we're literally with the drama that it becomes the drama becomes fascinating. And we completely forget that our heart is hurting. And we forget to just tune into our own feelings.

00:38:37 Speaker_03
Yeah, we get caught in the question of whether we are justified in feeling bad, as opposed to just saying, do I feel bad? And if I feel bad, it doesn't matter.

00:38:47 Speaker_02
Doesn't matter. As if you have to be justified, why can't we just be? I mean, we are who we are, right?

00:38:55 Speaker_04
I do wonder if I were not in a gaslighting tango with the world, would my thesis statement of Untamed have been, I'm not crazy, I'm a goddamn cheetah? That's what it was. Or would the next phase be, OK, if you think I'm crazy,

00:39:19 Speaker_04
regardless of whether what you think, I'm a goddamn cheetah, I'm gonna do whatever.

00:39:23 Speaker_02
Exactly, you're still a goddamn cheetah.

00:39:25 Speaker_04
No longer arguing. The point is not whether I'm crazy or not. The point is I have an inside that has feelings and experiences and I am going to create my life.

00:39:38 Speaker_04
You have a visualization in the book that moved me so much where you just close your eyes and you imagine that everyone around you is a safe person, that you only allow people in that make you feel good.

00:39:51 Speaker_04
And it was so beautiful in terms of like, that's actually how we get to live. No matter if we're right or wrong about our reactions to people, no matter if we're good or bad, we get to decide who feels good and warm to us without justification.

00:40:09 Speaker_02
Every day. Every day. Exactly.

00:40:13 Speaker_03
Maybe I'm crazy. I'm a goddamn cheetah. That's it. Robin, is there a way that you could run through the three types of gas lighters for us? Because I had never heard about the Glamour gas lighter.

00:40:26 Speaker_03
And I think that people are probably in their heads seeing the Intimidator gas lighter. But I think the other two are really illuminating for folks.

00:40:35 Speaker_02
I agree, the intimidator is easy to spot because he's intimidating. He's cursing. Sadly, he may get violent. It's something that you need to watch for.

00:40:44 Speaker_02
And it's just nasty and critical and uses tone of voice and body posture, physical distance to make sure that you stay connected, you stay in line, that he's right. But the glamour gaslighter, he's just all about the show. He was just so cute.

00:41:06 Speaker_02
He brought his girlfriend flowers all the time, and they'd have these blowups, and then she wouldn't hear from him for a while, and she would be just on the verge of saying, this is not okay, or I don't like this, and then he would arrive at her house, and she would start to complain, and he would say, you know I love you.

00:41:27 Speaker_02
Come on, it's not really a big deal. So it was four days, but look what I bought you. Some people might say, you know what, honey, I don't want to get from you right now. Rather, you just treat me well. So save the gift for a time we're in a good place.

00:41:43 Speaker_02
But when you feel like your glamour gaslighter is larger than life, he's your soulmate. You've never met anyone as amazing. And you have that kind of idealizing going on. And he's a man of grand gestures.

00:41:58 Speaker_02
making you feel like you are the only person in the world for him at that moment. It's easy to fall into. And then the good guy gaslighter was so nice, very affable, very pleasant, can tell you you're crazy with a smile on his face.

00:42:17 Speaker_02
So when you walk away and you may have like a weekend long argument, thinking of a couple I worked with who argued for the whole weekend until Sunday night from Friday night about whether or not they would visit her parents.

00:42:31 Speaker_02
And he really didn't wanna go and he talked to her about how attached she felt to her parents and that was so wrong and she had real issues with it. And in the end, he said, all right, we're gonna go. And you've convinced me, we're gonna go.

00:42:46 Speaker_02
She was exhausted. She was exhausted in the relationship, and yet she felt like she had nothing to complain about because everyone liked him. He's a nice guy. Mild-mannered, agreeable, smile on his face.

00:43:02 Speaker_03
And the way you described that was so huge to me because, okay, so we got the good guy. He agrees to go. Fine, we'll go to your mom's. We'll go to your mom's. He goes to your mom's. He sits.

00:43:15 Speaker_03
pouty, stone-faced in the corner and doesn't interact with anyone, then you can tell he's not engaging, he's not having a good time. Get in the car, pretend like nothing's wrong. You say, what the heck with that? He says, what are you talking about?

00:43:33 Speaker_03
What are you talking about?

00:43:34 Speaker_00
It's never good enough for you.

00:43:35 Speaker_03
I agree to go to your mom's. I sit there, you are projecting this stuff that I didn't have fun. I sat there and I enjoyed myself and it's never good enough for you. So you can't ever put your finger on the actual receipt for why you feel upset.

00:43:50 Speaker_03
So you feel even crazier because it's unprovable.

00:43:53 Speaker_02
That's right. Because you can't point to the monster who just said to you, you're a bitch. Yeah. The nice guy just went to visit your parents. And so you end up in the therapist's office and you say, I don't know.

00:44:08 Speaker_03
Yeah, because you're like, I can't explain it. It's just his energy.

00:44:11 Speaker_03
And then the glamor one, it is so subtle too, because the person who's showing up and quote unquote, doing things for you, but they are not connected with what you need or want, or even the way that you feel. Absolutely, yes.

00:44:28 Speaker_03
they're more about that person's perception of themselves and what a good partner would do as opposed to meeting you anywhere where you are.

00:44:37 Speaker_03
So again, you're in the therapist's office being like, I don't know, I'm kind of just really pissed at my person because they just brought me flowers.

00:44:44 Speaker_03
and you feel like a complete crazy person because what you really wanted was them to just sit with you and talk with you. But somehow things aren't lining up and you can never, ever put your hands on what the thing is.

00:44:57 Speaker_02
Yeah, there's no connection because it's all a show for him. It's about him wanting to be the glamour gaslighter bringing you flowers.

00:45:07 Speaker_04
Yeah, an important question. I just think over and over again that is in your work is, It's not about being a perfect person. The point is not whether he's right or you're right, but whether or not you want to live like this and feel like this.

00:45:22 Speaker_04
That's right. The second you stop deciding who's right, who's wrong. And if you switch to, do I want to live like this and feel like this?

00:45:31 Speaker_02
Yeah.

00:45:32 Speaker_04
I know that so much of this is about abusive relationships and romantic situations, but on some level, I just feel like women in general are in gaslighting relationships and the gaslighter is the world.

00:45:51 Speaker_04
That is truly like in my bones how I feel that so much is, you know, why are you angry? Why are you, why are you tired? Why are you controlling? Why as a, you know, and I feel responsible

00:46:09 Speaker_04
to the pod squad right now to say to you that, Robin, if there were a collection of sensitive human beings, like if this is the convention, you're at it. The pod squad is a convention of sensitive human beings on the planet.

00:46:24 Speaker_04
And that is true, and sensitivity is a badge of honor. And also, if you have been telling yourself that you're just sensitive your entire life,

00:46:36 Speaker_04
Labeling yourself as oversensitive is also a really good way for the rest of the world to get off the hook for their behavior. I recently said to a therapist, she said, well, let's not forget that you're sensitive.

00:46:52 Speaker_04
And I said, but also like, is that the whole truth? Is the narrative of my life that I'm sensitive or just that I noticed some bad shit? I think two things can be true at once.

00:47:07 Speaker_04
We can be sensitive human beings and that can be a beautiful, wonderful thing, but let's not use it as an excuse.

00:47:14 Speaker_02
And just by the way, I would say the narrative of your life is about boldness and courage and kindness and putting good things in the world.

00:47:26 Speaker_04
That's right. Thank you, Robin. I feel very un-gaslighted by you. You're wonderful. I think that your work is the work of our lives as women. Thank you.

00:47:39 Speaker_02
I really appreciate it. I just had a feeling that I would love all of you and love being with you when I do, and I appreciate your questions and applaud what you're doing.

00:47:51 Speaker_02
When I told my sister-in-law today that I was going to be on your podcast, she said, oh my God, I listen to everyone. So I was very excited about that. What is her name? Her name is Jackie Stern.

00:48:04 Speaker_04
Jackie! We love you, Jackie. Thank you for listening. PAD Squad, this week, please just remember that you are real. Your feelings are real. The point is not, do they have a point? The point is, do I like the way this feels?

00:48:21 Speaker_02
That's right. Do I like the way this feels? Do I want to do it again?

00:48:24 Speaker_04
Yeah.

00:48:25 Speaker_02
Do I not like this way it feels? I'm not going to do it again.

00:48:29 Speaker_04
And no need to present a case. That's it.

00:48:32 Speaker_02
No need to collect evidence. Just self-compassion. Present self-compassion.

00:48:38 Speaker_04
Love you.

00:48:38 Speaker_02
See you next time.

00:48:44 Speaker_04
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00:48:57 Speaker_04
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00:49:09 Speaker_04
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00:49:19 Speaker_04
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00:49:29 Speaker_04
We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey.

00:49:36 Speaker_04
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