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Episode: 686: Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy On Building Sturdy Kids and Confident Parents

Author: Three Percent Chance
Duration: 00:52:43

Episode Shownotes

Dr Becky, aka “the Millennial Parenting Whisperer”, is a clinical psychologist and the author of #1 New York Times bestseller Good Inside, which is also the name of her new app. She is all about firm boundaries, deep emotional connections, and meeting your kiddo where they are at. Parenting is

TOUGH, let’s talk about it together. 00:00 Understanding the Parent's Job00:33 The Importance of Boundaries01:04 Introducing Dr. Becky02:28 Disrupting Traditional Parenting03:43 Rethinking Punishments and Rewards05:19 The Concept of Sturdy Leadership06:50 Teaching Kids Emotional Skills11:07 Addressing Tantrums and Frustration13:46 Handling Resilient Rebels17:50 Setting Effective Boundaries25:28 Understanding Boundaries in Parenting27:13 Effective Parenting Strategies for Strong-Willed Children29:10 The Concept of 'Deeply Feeling Kids'31:55 Early Parenting Skills and Their Long-Term Impact39:24 The Power of Repair in Parenting44:34 Reparenting and Personal Growth48:51 Resources and Support for ParentsPre-order your audiobook of ‘What if YOU Are the Answer’ narrated by Rachel on Audible today! You can also pre-order your e-book or hard copy at Amazon, Barnes & Noble (they have signed copies!), Books-A-Millon, Bookshop.org, or wherever books are sold!It's Time for Last 90 Days! Get the Start Today Journal - https://starttoday.com/products/start-today-journalSign up for Rachel’s weekly email: https://msrachelhollis.com/insider/Watch the podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/RachelHollisMotivation/videosFollow along on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/MsRachelHollis/ To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices.

Full Transcript

00:00:01 Speaker_01
A parent has two main jobs in a family system, and that's really important that we think about ourselves as a job, because every parent I know is like, this is my most important job. I want to do it well.

00:00:11 Speaker_01
But no one at a company would ever do their job well if they didn't have a job description, right? You know this.

00:00:17 Speaker_01
If someone didn't have a job description and you were just like, do your job well, I think if they said, wait, like, I don't even know what my job is, you would say, oh, well, you definitely can't do your job well if you don't know what your job is.

00:00:26 Speaker_01
And most parents, when I say, what is your job, they'll say, like, I don't. I actually don't really know. Well, great. That's where we start. Parent always has the same jobs. Setting boundaries. This is so important.

00:00:38 Speaker_01
This is why I say good inside isn't gentle. It's not permissive. It's sturdy. We are the authority. You are the pilot. You set boundaries. And most people misunderstand what boundaries are.

00:00:48 Speaker_01
And with these kids, your fourth and my third, boundaries are like 90% of the game. So we'll go over that. Boundaries. The other is validating kids' feelings, because kids always have feelings in reaction to our boundaries.

00:01:04 Speaker_00
Hi, I'm Rachel. And in this show, we talk about everything. Life and work, health and healing, relationships with others and with ourself. These are stories for the seekers. These are conversations for the curious. This is the Rachel Hollis Podcast.

00:01:36 Speaker_00
Just in case someone is living under a rock, Dr. Becky, will you explain to them who you are and what you do?

00:01:45 Speaker_01
I am a clinical psychologist turned disruptor, I would say, in the parenting support space. I am also a mom of three. I have a 7-year-old, a 9-year-old, and a 12-year-old. really at my core, I am someone who just loves thinking about people.

00:02:02 Speaker_01
I'm really curious about people. I'm curious about why we all do the things we do and how we all act within a system.

00:02:09 Speaker_01
And the system I love focusing on is the family system and helping parents in that system become what I would say is kind of sturdier leaders and how through that we can also then raise kids who are sturdy and resilient.

00:02:23 Speaker_00
I'm curious, you use the word disruptor. Why do you feel like the work you're doing has been so disruptive?

00:02:29 Speaker_01
I think there's a couple areas of disruption. So I'll start with the core thing, which are maybe just the ideas around parenting.

00:02:35 Speaker_01
You know, as a clinical psychologist, I was trained in how to work with parents who are struggling with things with their kids, right? So a kid is hitting, a kid is being rude, a kid doesn't listen.

00:02:46 Speaker_01
And I was trained truly at a very esteemed place about how to teach the parents how to give a timeout, how to give a consequence, how to give a sticker chart, how to ignore, how to praise, how to kind of extinguish the bad.

00:02:58 Speaker_01
and kind of encourage more of the good. So that was some of my private practice. I was like delivering that very, I would say, behavioral approach to parenting.

00:03:08 Speaker_01
But then, like seriously, my next session of the day, I'd see, Rachel, someone like you in therapy. And it just started to strike me. Like, let's say you came to me and you said, Becky, I was, uh, had a bad week. I yelled at, I yelled at my mom a lot.

00:03:21 Speaker_01
I yelled at my partner a lot. I yelled at someone at work a lot. I just can't imagine. I'd say, Rachel, give me, give me your phone. No phone for the week. I'm going to, and I can't believe you'd be like, oh, this is going to help me so much.

00:03:33 Speaker_01
Oh my goodness. I have the best therapist in the world. And I just started to see, oh my goodness. We make so many assumptions about what kids need to kind of do well in life. And all of those assumptions are around the way we view their behavior.

00:03:47 Speaker_01
But then in adulthood, people spend their lives as adults, unwiring, healing. figuring out how to be the sturdiest, most confident version of themselves and basically undoing a lot of the patterns that were put in place in our earliest years.

00:04:05 Speaker_01
I was like, wait, are we creating the problem first and then solving the problem later? What if we raise kids in a way that don't get me wrong, they're still going to have issues. Like I kids will definitely have issues. Okay. But definitely all of them.

00:04:18 Speaker_01
But what if we wired our kids from the start with the skills, with the resilience, with the confidence to be the types of adults so many of us are fighting to be. Like, isn't that the ultimate privilege?

00:04:35 Speaker_01
And when I started to break it down, I said, wait, I'm actually going to, I'm questioning everything I learned. I seriously had a session with someone where I couldn't keep quiet this thing in me, and I was teaching them how to do a timeout.

00:04:46 Speaker_01
And I seriously just said to them, I'm sorry, this is so awkward, but I don't believe anything I'm telling you. And they were like, okay, like, are you serious? I was like, I'm serious.

00:04:55 Speaker_01
I actually don't know an exact thing to tell you different, but I actually know this isn't the thing. Like, do you want to reschedule the session? And they were like, no, we just never want to see you again.

00:05:04 Speaker_01
And which I understand, you know, I was like, totally, I'll give you your money back. But then I really went down this rabbit hole. And I said, Oh, my goodness, I now see this totally different approach to parenting that completely disrupts the model.

00:05:16 Speaker_01
Now, let me be clear. It is not helicopter parenting. It is not permissive parenting. It is definitely not, quote, intensive parenting, which people are talking about.

00:05:23 Speaker_01
It is actually a model of parenting called sturdy leadership, where you are the CEO of your house, you are the pilot of the plane, and you give kids at once the two things they need.

00:05:32 Speaker_01
They need boundaries, firm ones, and they need connection and validation. So that's one disruption. The other disruption that I'm so jazzed about is, okay, so I have this approach, but parents these days are busy.

00:05:46 Speaker_01
And if I think about me and you, Rachel, like probably we have like five minutes free. Well, why do we have apps to make every area of our life more convenient except for the area that we care about the most and has the most impact on the world?

00:06:02 Speaker_01
Parenting.

00:06:03 Speaker_01
Like if we even think where we spend our money or maybe I'm learning a language or I'm at this gym, like there's literally not an amazing technologically sophisticated app for parenting that gives me not only the approach that makes sense, but personalized for my age kid.

00:06:17 Speaker_01
Something I can do in two minutes, like that's actually digestible the way apps make it, that technology make it. So that's the second disruption is like we have just put into the world an app version of Good Inside.

00:06:28 Speaker_01
And I think that's a huge disruption because what we're really saying is parents deserve to not be left out of the technological revolution. We should have something convenient and in our pocket.

00:06:37 Speaker_00
Yeah, for sure. But going back to that first moment where you said, I know it's not time out, but I don't know what it is. How did you figure out what it was, what it is?

00:06:49 Speaker_01
I didn't know it at the time, but as I've learned, I think it was this kind of, called like a first principles exercise. Like, OK, well, everything I'm doing is either based in truth or is based in assumption.

00:07:03 Speaker_01
And most of what we do in life is probably based on assumption or things that were given to us as truths, but probably aren't. They're just, you know, ideas, or they're kind of fiction, not nonfiction. So here's one.

00:07:14 Speaker_01
If you don't punish a kid's bad behavior, you're reinforcing that behavior. Okay. I was like, well, I don't know if that's true. Like, if that's true, then it makes sense why I'm giving them a timeout. But what if that's not true?

00:07:27 Speaker_01
And then I thought about in my adult life. You know, I'm married, you know, love my wonderful husband truly. And I'm thinking about times I, I don't know, I haven't been so great with him.

00:07:36 Speaker_01
You know, I've been short or I've said something I wish I could take back. He doesn't punish me. And I don't assume he's. encouraging my behavior. Like if he says, Becky, well, like the way you said that was super intense and really not okay.

00:07:51 Speaker_01
But I also feel like there's probably something you're upset about that's driving it. And I actually want to get to the bottom of that because that matters the most. Can we talk it out?

00:07:59 Speaker_01
I just can't imagine I'd be like the sociopathic person who's like, my husband really lets me get away with yelling at him. It's such a sociopathic thing to think. Like us humans are better than that. So that's an assumption. praise and sticker charts.

00:08:13 Speaker_01
You have to do that to get kids to have manners. And, you know, listen, why? If I think about why I listen to someone at work or again to like my mom or my husband, like they're not giving me a sticker.

00:08:26 Speaker_01
And if my husband again said that, yeah, I have a great idea every time. you do something nice for me, I'm going to give you a sticker. And after 10 stickers, I'm going to give you a diamond necklace." I'd be like, all right, that's a nice necklace.

00:08:39 Speaker_01
But I honestly, at my core, Rachel, I'd be like, is our relationship in such a bad place that you have to do that? So again, I'm like, what if that's not true? And I was left with one thing. I actually was left with two things. that I felt were true.

00:08:55 Speaker_01
One, kids come into this world good inside. I just don't know a baby who's like, I am really going to give it to my parents for the rest of their life. Like if I just don't buy it, that's one.

00:09:07 Speaker_01
And the other thing that really struck me as the truth of I think 99% of the problems we see with kids is that kids are born with all of the emotions. and none of the skills to manage those emotions.

00:09:22 Speaker_01
And I can't overemphasize this because I really think it explains 99% of what we see with kids. All the emotions, none of the skills. That is so vulnerable. You are just this ball of explosive emotions.

00:09:32 Speaker_01
And whenever you have an emotion without a skill that matches it, it comes out in bad behavior. That's true for adults, too.

00:09:41 Speaker_01
The only reason I say something not so nice to my waiter when he says, oh, we're out of the special is because I was so disappointed.

00:09:48 Speaker_01
I, at that moment, didn't have a skill to manage the disappointment, so it comes out in something not so, you know, kind. But the behavior—me not being nice to the waiter, my kid hitting—that is literally not the problem.

00:10:01 Speaker_01
That is a symptom of the problem. And the problem is that our kids weren't born with the skills. So what do we do? We send them to their room.

00:10:13 Speaker_01
for not having the skills that would have prevented the bad behavior, somehow thinking they're Googling how to learn the skills while they're sent to... I don't even know what the theory is.

00:10:26 Speaker_01
We're punishing them for not having skills instead of... Why don't we teach them skills? Why don't we taught our kid the skills? Because emotions, the emotions aren't the problem. It's the lack of skills.

00:10:37 Speaker_01
Kids are born good inside and they're born without skills. We have to always keep in mind that they're good inside, we definitely have to respond to bad behavior, and we can go over how.

00:10:46 Speaker_01
We have to teach them the skills if we punish them for not having something they never were born with. We create adults who don't have skills to manage emotions, hello, and who feel shame and self-blame all the time.

00:11:00 Speaker_01
Hello, that is the world we kind of live in. And I feel passionately that we can actually change this.

00:11:05 Speaker_00
We're already changing it. So I'm incredibly hopeful. It also, I'm assuming then, changes based on the age that they are. Because what you're teaching to a three-year-old is different than how you're helping a 15-year-old manage.

00:11:16 Speaker_00
Or are there some sort of commonalities?

00:11:19 Speaker_01
Well, here's the yes and no. People say to me all the time, like, my nine-year-old still has tantrums. Maybe they look different than when they were two, but they basically still have tantrums.

00:11:29 Speaker_01
If I'm in a store and I say, no, we're only here to get your cousin a birthday present, I'm not getting something, they have a tantrum. When will my kind of big kid stop having tantrums? Age alone doesn't give skills.

00:11:42 Speaker_01
It's like saying my nine-year-old still doesn't know how to swim. At what age will they know how to swim? Right, Rachel? Like, what would you say to that parent?

00:11:49 Speaker_00
they have to learn to swim, and then they will know how to swim.

00:11:53 Speaker_01
Right. And I think we'd also say, like, that's not gifted to you at age 12.

00:11:56 Speaker_00
Right, right.

00:11:57 Speaker_01
And it's not given to you at age 18. Like, I don't know what age, like, if they don't, if they have no swimming skills at nine, They have the same amount of skills as they had as another two-year-old has. None. So, okay, the answer isn't what age.

00:12:10 Speaker_01
It's like, well, I'm seeing what they're going through. That's a sign of their struggles, not of who they are. And we have to intervene at where they are now and let's level them up. And no matter what age, we can do that. So do I intervene differently?

00:12:24 Speaker_01
Sure, as kids get older, like their kind of bad behavior feels less and less desirable. But I think unconsciously, we have this assumption that these things are gifted to you, that you like learn it in a book or at a certain age, something.

00:12:35 Speaker_01
I don't know. I don't know why we think this is just going to be like given. And I think we really do have to think of it like swimming. There's no age someone learns how to swim. They learn how to swim by teaching them how to swim. by practicing.

00:12:47 Speaker_01
There's a long time where we practice with our kids swimming before we expect them to swim. At a first lesson, we're never like, you don't know how to swim, you know what, forget it. Like, we would say, well, you know, it's gonna take a little bit.

00:12:57 Speaker_01
And they swim in a training pool before they would ever swim in the ocean. Right? Of course your 15-year-old can't swim in the ocean if they don't know how to swim in a training pool.

00:13:07 Speaker_01
So if your nine-year-old doesn't know how to manage frustration with you alone in your house, you think your nine-year-old is going to manage frustration when surrounded by toys? It's actually like a really unfair expectation.

00:13:19 Speaker_01
Then we get mad, we get embarrassed, we punish them. We just kind of, you know, go down that road. And it's, any parent listening, it's not your fault. This is the system. that's been given to us, it actually makes no sense.

00:13:31 Speaker_00
It makes no sense. But it's been given to us. How do we know what skill they need based on what's happening? Great.

00:13:40 Speaker_01
So this is, I actually think, same thing. Parenting is a set of skills. So, let's jump into an example. Like, what is something that, like, just name something that could happen with a kid.

00:13:50 Speaker_00
Oh, I will use a real-life example. My daughter is seven, and there's that meme that says, like, I'm either raising the president or the head of a gang in prison. That's her. Like, she is so smart, so strong-willed. That's my seven-year-old chick.

00:14:07 Speaker_00
Yeah, just, like, all the things. She, from the time she started school, she has no fear of authority. She does not. She will just look you dead in the eye and do the exact thing that you just asked her to stop doing, to the point that it is rude.

00:14:29 Speaker_00
She is being rude to teachers. She's being disrespectful. She might try that at home, but she wouldn't be that way at home the way that she is at school. And she's always been like this. And I have tried everything that I can think of.

00:14:46 Speaker_00
We actually just had this happen this week. And trying to explain to her like, oh, that hurt your teacher's feelings. Like that, you know, if someone spoke to you like that, how would that... But

00:14:58 Speaker_00
To be totally honest, yeah, I'm like, we're just gonna keep having this until she's 18. Like, I have been, she's seven. Every year we have this.

00:15:06 Speaker_01
Okay, what number kid is this?

00:15:08 Speaker_00
Is she your youngest?

00:15:08 Speaker_01
She's four. Yeah, she's your youngest. This is typical. Okay. Okay. Now tell me if this resonates. This is a kid, would you describe her as relentless? Absolutely. For better and for worse? Absolutely. Right.

00:15:23 Speaker_01
So if she wants to get something done, like unlike other kids who are like, eh, I give up, she's like, I am getting it done.

00:15:29 Speaker_00
Yeah. Right? Yeah.

00:15:30 Speaker_01
Okay. Okay. These kids I call, and tell me if this name matches, I call these kids resilient rebels. They are the kid if they were alone on Desert Island, you're like, they'd be fine. They'd find people.

00:15:39 Speaker_00
She'd build a hotel chain. She would figure it out.

00:15:42 Speaker_01
She'd build a hotel chain. And these are also kids who are like, oh, authority. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. I have zero percent people pleasing in me. Literally zero.

00:15:55 Speaker_01
I don't do things because you might be unhappy with me. In fact, when I see you're trying to kind of control me in that way, because that's actually how it feels to these kids. All I do is double down. Yes.

00:16:05 Speaker_01
So all these things that we do with other kids, especially first kids, I don't know about you, tend to be more people-pleasing. Absolutely.

00:16:12 Speaker_01
And unfortunately, I would actually say in another conversation, we can end up reinforcing that because we can say things to those kids like, that's really making mommy sad. And they're like, oh, I'll stop.

00:16:21 Speaker_01
We only end up almost like kind of like giving them issues later on because they're so attentive to making other people happy that they kind of lose themselves. And we know what happens to those adults. But short term, they're a lot easier. Okay. Okay?

00:16:33 Speaker_01
And then we try that with our resilient rebel, and, like, they basically give us, like, they give us a million— If she knew how to do that, she would do it.

00:16:43 Speaker_00
She would.

00:16:43 Speaker_01
Yes. Okay. I remember my kid, okay, of this age, when I said something, this is so not my style, but these kids infuriate us, and I was like, if you don't— I don't remember what it was. Do this.

00:16:52 Speaker_01
I was like, I will take every stuffed animal you sleep with, and I will take it away. Okay. He walked away. He was three. He put a bench to his closet. Got a suitcase from top, put his stuffed animals in it, rolled it to me, and just said, here you go.

00:17:10 Speaker_01
I just made it easier for you. I was like, wow, you did not just do that. Like, that sounds like something your daughter would do. Fair? A million percent. So this is now such a bigger conversation.

00:17:20 Speaker_01
It's actually this big project I'm working on because I think we have to really understand the type of kid we have because 80% of the time, all the same things help, principles. 20% of the time, it's like you gotta do stuff for that type of kid. Yes.

00:17:33 Speaker_01
So, okay, let me back into this. Number one, let's start. I can't talk about any of this, and I promise you this will be foundational to the exact stuff with your kid, and this is gonna be life-changing. Like, I swear on it.

00:17:42 Speaker_01
And then, I mean this, you're gonna get into our app to keep this going, and you're gonna be like, everything with her so much easier, okay? So, starting.

00:17:50 Speaker_01
A parent has two main jobs in a family system, and that's really important that we think about ourselves as a job because every parent I know is like, this is my most important job. I want to do it well. But no one at a company

00:18:02 Speaker_01
would ever do their job well if they didn't have a job description. Right? You know this.

00:18:06 Speaker_01
If someone didn't have a job description and you were just like, do your job well, I think if they said, wait, like, I don't even know what my job is, you would say, oh, well, you definitely can't do your job well if you don't know what your job is.

00:18:15 Speaker_01
And most parents, when I say, what is your job? They'll say, like, I don't, I actually don't really know. Well, great. That's where we start. Parent always has the same jobs. setting boundaries. This is so important.

00:18:27 Speaker_01
This is why I say good inside isn't gentle. It's not permissive. It's sturdy. We are the authority. You are the pilot. You set boundaries. And most people misunderstand what boundaries are.

00:18:37 Speaker_01
And with these kids, your fourth and my third, boundaries are like 90% of the game. So we'll go over that boundaries. The other is validating kids' feelings because kids always have feelings in reaction to our boundaries. We have a fantasy.

00:18:51 Speaker_01
We're going to say, TV time is over. And our kid's going to say, you're right. It's not good for my brain. Thank you for that note. Never happening. They scream. They cry because they're not getting what they want. We set the boundary. They get upset.

00:19:05 Speaker_01
We validate their feelings. Oh, I know. Turning off the TV is so hard. They say, oh, that means I can watch another show. No, TV time is over. Oh, that stinks. I know. Like, wash your hands. Repeat. Boundary. They have a feeling. We validate.

00:19:17 Speaker_01
We hold the boundary. They keep having feelings. We validate. And then it really does end. They learn this pattern.

00:19:23 Speaker_01
Now, when it comes to those two jobs, us parents, and it is especially us women because so many of us were raised to be those people pleasing. good girls and make people happy. We don't even realize how much that filters into our parenting.

00:19:36 Speaker_01
We hate when our kids are upset. It's just so uncomfortable because we've operated that our worth. is about making people happy with us.

00:19:43 Speaker_00
Oh, I know exactly why my stress in this is compounded times a thousand because of how many times her teachers have called me. And I feel like I am in trouble and I don't know how to help. And so I'm like, oh God, I am failing on every level.

00:20:01 Speaker_01
You are not. But this gets to this other point that nobody teaches us these things. Yeah. Why should we know how to parent? Surgeons don't know how to do surgery. We'd tell our friend they were crazy. I should just know how to do this.

00:20:11 Speaker_01
You're like, no, you should go to medical school. Like, probably. Actually, you're required to go to medical school, right? So same thing with parenting. Okay, so let's go to the boundaries piece, and this is so huge.

00:20:23 Speaker_01
This is often what parents think of setting boundaries. Let's say your daughter, like my son, really hope for the world that they don't meet each other one day, or that they do, okay? They're jumping on a couch. Okay.

00:20:35 Speaker_01
My youngest are jumping on a couch and I actually don't care if my kid jumps on the couch, but let's say he's jumping on a couch. Like it's like near a glass table. Like literally he's going to like crack his head open. I'm like, Hey, get off the couch.

00:20:45 Speaker_01
Same thing. He said, try to get off the couch. And then they look at us. smile and go back to jumping on the couch. And they're basically like, I hear you. Like, it's not even a matter of did they hear you. You're like, they basically say, okay.

00:21:00 Speaker_01
And then we get infuriated. And then we do something like this. I'm going to count to three. It's like, I find this is like the weirdest thing we do as parents. Like, I would never say to my kid, don't run into the street. I'm going to count to three.

00:21:11 Speaker_01
I would just like not let them run into the street. Like, I don't know why we count when our kid's showing us that they can't do something. So we count to three. All this means is we get so frustrated.

00:21:22 Speaker_01
And then with these kids, we just yell something random. Like, no dessert tonight and no iPad for four days. Like, cause we're so desperate. And then they like scream. And then we like call our friend. We're like, my kid's a sociopath.

00:21:36 Speaker_01
And I know this cause I've done this. It's not like I'm like speaking from someone else's experience. My kid's a sociopath. We say that in front of them. So they like form their identity around that. They're like, I guess I'm a sociopath.

00:21:46 Speaker_01
And then at night, We're like, don't want to deal. So we're like, did I say no dessert? Oh, you can have like strawberries and whipped cream. That's not really dessert. We just like undermine our authority. And then we're like, did I say no iPad?

00:21:56 Speaker_01
You actually, I don't know why. No, I didn't, I meant, I meant not this one app on your iPad. And then like, right, this happens. None of that is setting boundaries. Okay. A boundary is something you tell your kid you will do.

00:22:11 Speaker_01
And it requires your kid to do nothing. The thing with these kids, And I mean this from a place of love to you and so many people who have these kids. We give these resilient rebels our job. And they know it.

00:22:28 Speaker_01
And they act out and feel unsafe because they're like, where's the adult? Where's the adult? I'm jumping on a couch and my mom wants me to stop.

00:22:38 Speaker_01
And instead of just taking me off the couch, she's like doing some counting thing and threatening random things that she's already proven she's never going to follow through with. Like, that's the adult I get. I'm a really strong kid.

00:22:49 Speaker_01
I'm a really strong kid. I know that. Where's my strong mom?

00:22:52 Speaker_00
Right?

00:22:53 Speaker_01
This is a boundary.

00:22:55 Speaker_00
A boundary is something where they don't have to do anything. A boundary is something you tell anyone, kid or adult, a boundary is something you tell someone

00:23:12 Speaker_01
you will do.

00:23:13 Speaker_00
Yes. Not they have to. Yes. Yeah. That makes sense.

00:23:17 Speaker_01
What we do often is we make requests. And requests are fine. But if they're not followed through and it really matters to us, we have to switch to boundary mode. So here's a boundary for the couch. And I'll give you other examples.

00:23:28 Speaker_01
Sweetie, let's say I already asked, hey, sweetie, I know it's fun to jump on the couch, but you're right near that glass table. Can you please get off? And you could jump, jump, jump on the floor, whatever I say. And my kid looks at me and they don't.

00:23:38 Speaker_01
Then I'd say this. Hey, sweetie, I'm going to walk over there. And if by the time I get there, you're not off the couch, I am going to put my arms around you and pick you up and put you on the floor.

00:23:49 Speaker_01
And then I'll probably block you from going back on the couch because my number one job is to keep you safe. And that's what that's going to look like right now.

00:23:56 Speaker_01
OK, now, I just want to say something so important because this is another unconscious belief we have. When I do that with my own kid, my own resilient rebel, he does not ever say, thank you for your sturdy leadership. You're totally right. Ever.

00:24:10 Speaker_01
He always screams. And he actually doesn't anymore because we've now gotten to this pattern. But these kids A lot of kids, but definitely these kids, these not people pleasing kids, they need a boundary first approach.

00:24:22 Speaker_01
Because what these kids are craving, tell me if this makes sense, I like words with like visceral feelings, they're craving an edge. They're like, I know I'm very powerful. I know it. And I like that about myself, but it also

00:24:36 Speaker_01
kind of scares me because, like, am I like an egg without a shell, that kind of power where it's, like, toxic and it can just, like, take over? Where is the edge? How far can I go?

00:24:47 Speaker_01
Where's the adult who's basically going to be that edge and be like, I'm not going to let it go further than this? So then when I do it, my kid will scream. And I'm probably not, with these kids, going to validate the feeling over and over.

00:25:00 Speaker_01
I'm going to tell you why, even though it sounds weird. These kids don't need to feel any more expansive than they already are. These kids take up so much space in the world. And it doesn't actually feel great. They actually need containment.

00:25:14 Speaker_01
So I'm not going to say over and over, you wanted to jump on the couch. You wanted to jump. I'm not making later, but not in that moment. They're already in this like, almost like superhero slash villain state. And so they just need boundaries.

00:25:28 Speaker_01
Now, boundaries aren't threats. Boundaries aren't punishments. We think those are acts of strong parenting. Those are literally acts of desperation.

00:25:36 Speaker_01
The only reason you have a threat or punishment that, again, you never follow through with is you could feel desperate.

00:25:42 Speaker_00
If you've listened to this show for any time at all, you've probably heard me reference New Year's. I love a new year. I did the last 90 days challenge as a way to build up to the new year.

00:25:55 Speaker_00
I love ending the year with a calendar audit so that I can set up my year on January 1st for all of the intentions that I have to level up. I am such a dork about it. It's my favorite, which is why I picked the new year to launch my brand new book.

00:26:12 Speaker_00
It's called, What If You Are The Answer? And it is a framework to start your new year with.

00:26:20 Speaker_00
26 different questions that when I heard them for the first time, read them in a book, a friend asked them of me, the question was so powerful that it changed my perspective, that it forced me to confront hard truths or allowed me to level up on my level up.

00:26:39 Speaker_00
So, if you are part of this community, I want you to be the first to know, What If You Are The Answer comes out January 7th. We have the most incredible pre-order gift, which we are launching November 1st. I promise to tell you more about it soon.

00:26:54 Speaker_00
But in the meantime, if you want to pre-order your book now, or if you want to reserve a signed copy, head over to the link in the show notes and check out the new book, the new book cover, and what it's all about. Thanks for reading.

00:27:13 Speaker_01
A CEO who's an amazing CEO of a company is not randomly threatening people in an empty way, right? That's not being sturdy is that boundary. So let's say in that situation, my son was probably going to try to get back on the couch.

00:27:25 Speaker_01
All I'm going to say, and this is your other best friend phrase, it's the essence of a boundary. I won't let you. You actually focus on yourself. We focus too much on these kids, which also makes them expansive. You're not listening.

00:27:37 Speaker_01
You know, we don't jump on a couch. You know, we're nice to other people. It's like you, you, they're like, wow, I just brought my mom into my vortex. Like she can't, where is she? Right. Versus. I'm not going to let you get back on there.

00:27:49 Speaker_01
Let me tell you exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to stay here, and every time you lunge toward the couch, I am just going to carry you back there. If that's a game you want to play for a little while, we'll keep doing that.

00:27:58 Speaker_01
That's what I'm going to do. This is a really powerful line for these kids and what I call deeply feeling kids. I'm not scared of you when you're feeling this way, sweetie. I can handle it. really need to hear that.

00:28:10 Speaker_01
Tell me what about this is resonating, or is it feeling different than what might usually happen?

00:28:14 Speaker_00
No, honestly, it makes total sense with me. Because this is the thing that is a paradox about Noah, is she can be the biggest thug you've ever met. She will.

00:28:24 Speaker_00
I mean, that's what she got in trouble for this week, was she looked the teacher dead in the eye and kept doing the thing. And her teacher is an angel. She's like the sweetest. I'm like, you're mean to her.

00:28:34 Speaker_00
I didn't say this, but I'm thinking, like, how could you? But she is simultaneously the most loving, like intensely loving, wants so, that connection is everything. She wants always to be within like a foot of any of us. She loves her family.

00:28:51 Speaker_00
So it's like, I don't, I don't know how to, it feels a little bit like two completely different human beings.

00:28:59 Speaker_01
I think you can think about that. When she gets activated, that's right, and you probably see it. You see it in her eyes. You see it in her body. And you know the situations. You're like, this is about to happen. It's actually interesting.

00:29:10 Speaker_01
These kids' strength needs strength. Now, I want to clarify, that doesn't mean harming your kid. That doesn't mean hurting your kid. But actually, when these kids are met with a, like, Sweetie, we don't do that.

00:29:25 Speaker_01
I feel like their experience is like, I am about to overtake you. Like you have no edge. There's no edge.

00:29:33 Speaker_00
Right?

00:29:34 Speaker_01
So they actually need, they need teachers and they need adults. They need caregivers who really have what is a sturdy presence.

00:29:44 Speaker_01
And actually, in those activated moments, one of the key things is to talk less about the kid and talk more about what you're about to do. Because if you think about it, those kids, when they get activated, they're so egocentric.

00:29:57 Speaker_01
That's why they look sociopathic, right? But they're not. They're actually really scared of themselves in that moment. They're really scared of themselves.

00:30:05 Speaker_01
And unfortunately, then they tend to get interventions that only confirm that they really are as big and bad and as toxic. as they worried they were and then it's like fanning the flames.

00:30:16 Speaker_00
Yeah. How many I because I want to just basically have a therapy session with you this entire podcast. But to be fair to listeners, are there how many how many personality that I don't know if that's what you call it.

00:30:27 Speaker_01
We're literally this is something that I'm actually like when I think about deep in work around like Deep in work, deep in my thoughts, deep in, like, kind of clinical work, user research. Like, I have a lot of thoughts about it.

00:30:39 Speaker_01
I don't want to come out and say, like, a number yet because I'm actually, literally, this is, like, a big body of work I'm doing right now. So I feel like I'm figuring this out. But deeply feeling kids is, like, the first one.

00:30:49 Speaker_01
That's probably our most popular program. There's a lot of overlap with Resilient Rebels, so if you haven't done that one, still, it's going to be so helpful. Those are the kids that we often label dramatic, drama queens.

00:31:00 Speaker_01
We often label them oppositional, too. They're the ones where, I don't know, they trip and fall with friends and they're so embarrassed and they're like, Mom, you tripped me! And you're like, I was on the other side of the room. I didn't do that.

00:31:12 Speaker_01
And then they have these really animalistic kind of meltdowns. They really do. They hiss. They kind of growl. They go zero to 60. And typical talking about feelings with those kids also makes it worse. Not for the same reason that it makes them expansive.

00:31:27 Speaker_01
It actually feels like too invasive for them. It feels like you're like peering into them. And so it's actually the work with deeply feeling kids, which has, I think, been, you know, it's probably the most popular part of the Good Inside program.

00:31:39 Speaker_01
It's like, and I think that's made me think, wait, I think there's like a lot of these other particularities with other types of kids.

00:31:45 Speaker_01
And I've seen that transform things for families that I'm like, oh, I want to, I want to figure out these other kind of types.

00:31:51 Speaker_00
to give people that journey. Yeah, that's so helpful. I was just thinking, if you're listening to this right now and you're, I mean, we have kids who are older. I think you said your oldest is 12.

00:32:01 Speaker_00
If you're listening to this right now and your oldest is like four and you are drowning in it, because I always think when I was a younger mom, I had so much shame about how wrong I was doing it.

00:32:15 Speaker_00
And honestly, I try and say this over and over anytime I'm doing a podcast about parenting is just give yourself grace and time because the more time you have, the more grace you have for yourself, it really can get better.

00:32:29 Speaker_00
But if someone's listening to this and their kids are younger, are there some skill sets you think are really helpful at the start of your parenting career for lack of a better word?

00:32:40 Speaker_01
Yes. And look, this is like such a, it's such a tricky question to answer, honestly, while also staying away from something I will always stay away from in parenting, which is just fear mongering. Right?

00:32:51 Speaker_01
Because like, I never want, oh my goodness, I'm messing up my kids. I have to do X, Y, Z things. I hate that so much. And at the same time, how we interact with our kids when they're younger,

00:33:02 Speaker_01
it forms their circuitry, like that the biology of that matters. It's not forever. We could always go back. And we are giving our kids kind of the blueprint for how they see themselves, for how they'll relate to us, even when they're teens and older.

00:33:17 Speaker_01
And so that's a way of saying not you've messed it up, not it's not too late. No, my biggest principle is it's never too late. It's also never too early. And like whatever age your kid is now,

00:33:25 Speaker_01
They are definitely younger than they're going to be tomorrow. Like, that is definitely true. And so today is the time, right?

00:33:32 Speaker_01
And I just want parents to know that, that when your kids are especially young, one, two, five, it feels like, oh, they're so young. They're not gonna remember this. Their body remembers it. That's literally the circuitry.

00:33:42 Speaker_01
That's, as my friend Mileyke says, it's their factory settings. Think about, right? And like having factory settings that work for you, like, is there any bigger privilege and emotional kind of like leg up than that? What can we do early on?

00:33:57 Speaker_01
There's nothing I could summarize in an adequate way. This is literally what we do at Good Inside, right? And we try to make it a daily or a weekly practice, kind of like learning a language.

00:34:08 Speaker_01
One or two things, take two, three minutes, we'll keep you on track. Well, you know, that's like literally what we do. I actually think what I'd start with is that idea of sturdy leadership.

00:34:17 Speaker_01
I ask every parent right now listening to say, okay, if there's two real aspects to being a sturdy leader, setting boundaries, which interestingly, is not asking my kid things. It's actually embodying my authority.

00:34:29 Speaker_01
Instead of saying, we don't fit, it's, I won't let you hit. So I'm picking you up and carrying you to the other side of where your friend is, and I'm going to sit with you because I'm not going to let you do that. That's a boundary.

00:34:42 Speaker_01
The other side is validating feelings, which often happens after. Oh, you really wanted that toy. Your friend's playing with it. That's so hard. Right now, I'd ask everyone to reflect. Which side is easier for me? Everyone has a side that's easier.

00:34:58 Speaker_01
Is it easier for me to kind of notice feelings and validate? Is it easier for me to set true boundaries? And someone might be saying, shoot, it's actually really hard for me to do both. That's fine, too. There's like a ton of people.

00:35:12 Speaker_01
But we can't make progress in anything unless we know our baseline. So just knowing your baseline, like, congratulate yourself. That's amazing. And knowing where we're struggling a little bit more, actually gives us a pathway for which thing to work on.

00:35:24 Speaker_01
It's actually amazing, you know?

00:35:26 Speaker_00
So I think that's step one. Do you think, I'm like tracking this back, because the one for me, holding boundaries is way easier than validating feelings, because I don't think my parents validated feelings one time in my entire childhood.

00:35:40 Speaker_00
So I'm like oh I can see because that's the only kind of parenting I saw was this like very harsh like you will do this kind of thing. Is that the line typically like if you've seen it modeled it's easier to do it with your own kid?

00:35:54 Speaker_00
You know I think that Rachel, you're getting to all the stuff.

00:35:59 Speaker_01
I think the other thing I think we're trying to really just disrupt is we've been fed this idea that parenting is natural. There's a maternal instinct.

00:36:09 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:36:10 Speaker_01
There is one thing that's natural. parenting your kids the way you were parented. That is literally in your circuitry.

00:36:16 Speaker_00
That is in your bones.

00:36:17 Speaker_01
That's the only thing. Yes.

00:36:20 Speaker_00
That's what's natural. That's so good. That's so good. And I feel like broke the heart or healed the heart of some people right now who are struggling so much because they did not have good behavior to model. And so they feel lost.

00:36:33 Speaker_00
And it's like, I just feel like someone needed to hear you say, like, you are doing the best you can with the skills you were given.

00:36:41 Speaker_01
And this to me is like where we either do one of two things. So parenting, first of all, parenting feels hard because it is hard. That is my mantra.

00:36:50 Speaker_01
I say that to myself 50 times a day, because if anyone thinks like my parenting journey is easy because I'm quote Dr. Becky. No, no, no. Dr. Becky is not the parent of my kids. Becky is the parent of my kids. Those are two very different people. OK.

00:37:02 Speaker_01
And that is totally true. Parenting is hard. And what is natural in parenting is simply how we were parented. Now, most people I know are very, very brave, and they're willing to say, I actually don't want to parent the same way as my parent. I don't.

00:37:17 Speaker_01
Maybe there's some things I want to take, but I don't want to parent the same way. A lot of people are like, there's very little I want to take. Fine.

00:37:24 Speaker_01
So if you think of parenting as a language, which I do, right, and that's literally why at Good Inside, we're like, this is the Duolingo for parenting.

00:37:34 Speaker_01
If you said, I was raised in English and I want to speak Spanish to my kids, let's say you said that, I would say to you, I think that's totally possible. I would also say, I don't think Spanish is going to come naturally.

00:37:47 Speaker_01
I think what will naturally come out is English. What are you doing to learn Spanish? And then the other thing I think that we know is in the heat of the moment when things are hard, I would bet money that parent is going to revert to English. Yes.

00:38:03 Speaker_01
And I don't think we'd say, oh, everything you've done is lost. Forget it. I think we'd say, OK, well, key to the moment, the English comes out and then take a deep breath. Go back to that Duolingo path you're on and get back to speaking Spanish. Right.

00:38:18 Speaker_01
That is how I want the world to think about parenting. We are not naturally given the skills just like our kids don't have the skills. And these are skills anybody can learn. Anybody can practice. It is a bumpy road.

00:38:32 Speaker_01
Then in the heat of the moment, you're going to go back to the yelling and the random threats you don't follow through on. Then you're going to repair, which is my favorite parenting strategy. We could talk about what that looks like.

00:38:42 Speaker_01
And then you're going to say, okay, where's my next parenting lesson? I'm going to get back to that skill. And this is exactly what good parenting and good parenting progress looks like. But we have to have that model.

00:38:56 Speaker_01
It's not something we're born with just like language. and swim aren't. And I think if we change that, instead of, like you were saying, Rachel, us living in shame, instead of saying, me and my kid are both struggling, what's wrong with us?

00:39:11 Speaker_01
We'd say, me and my kid are both struggling, how can I up-level my resources and support? Because that is what is happening here, not any failure. Yeah.

00:39:23 Speaker_00
Oh, God, so good. You said the word repair. What does repair mean?

00:39:30 Speaker_01
ultimate parenting strategy. Okay? So if anyone listening is like, if I could do one strategy, what would it be? Okay? Repair is the act of going back to a moment that felt bad, taking responsibility, stating what you would do differently the next time.

00:39:49 Speaker_01
And repair is so powerful in our relationships. Like we know this over and over in our adult relationships. The reason I think repair is different from an apology is so many times a stereotypical apology looks to kind of shut a conversation down.

00:40:09 Speaker_01
Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you, okay? We're good? Let's move on?" Like, that's what an apology might sound like, where a good repair actually opens one up.

00:40:16 Speaker_01
And the thing I want parents to know about repair is it really gives you kind of like a magical ability.

00:40:21 Speaker_01
Like, if you think about your kid's life as like a book, and then there's a chapter, and the chapter was titled, my mom freaked out at me because I said I didn't like dinner and yelled at me, and it felt kind of scary because nice mom turned into scary mom.

00:40:33 Speaker_01
That's a chapter that, without a doubt, was in my own children's book, okay? So you're not alone. What I get to do with Repair is I kind of get to go back to the ending of that chapter. I get to like rewrite the ending.

00:40:46 Speaker_01
So then instead of, my mom yelled at me, and I felt pretty scared given I depend on my mom for, you know, my whole life, it ends with, and then she reconnected to me. And then I knew it actually isn't my fault when people act out.

00:41:02 Speaker_01
And then I had a chance to share with her, yeah, that actually did feel bad, and I got to hear what she's working on.

00:41:07 Speaker_01
And then instead of the title being, my mom turned into scary mom, the whole title of that chapter changes to something kind of uncomfortable and scary happened. And then I better understood it. I realized it wasn't my fault.

00:41:20 Speaker_01
And I actually probably felt even a little closer to her after. I mean, literally the whole story changes. Yeah. I always think that if we do one thing in a day, just finding your kid,

00:41:31 Speaker_01
And sharing words like, it probably is going to sound like my typical repair, hey, I yelled at you earlier. I'm really sorry. And the truth is, it's never your fault when I yell. And look, I'm going to get frustrated with you.

00:41:47 Speaker_01
But what I'm working on is staying calm and speaking to you respectfully, even when I'm frustrated.

00:41:54 Speaker_01
And I want to get ahead of a question because a lot of parents, and I totally get this, they'll look at me and be like, OK, but like, Becky, Dr. Becky, like, it kind of was my, kind of was my kid's fault, right?

00:42:04 Speaker_01
Like they were being, you know, like, kind of like, do I really have to say that? But this is what I think, again, the life lesson is. Everything we do at Good Inside is what I would say is very long-term greedy.

00:42:14 Speaker_01
My parenting approach for my kids and anyone else's kids is very long-term greedy.

00:42:19 Speaker_01
I promise you, our approach brings a ton of short-term wins, but what I'm really interested in is your kids being resilient, confident, 18, and older, because that's when the stakes are really high, okay? Number one, the reason why I yell at my kids.

00:42:32 Speaker_01
I think it's because I cooked dinner and my kid said, oh, chicken again, right? I'm like, well, if they didn't say that, I wouldn't have yelled. I guess that's true. But that's not why I yelled. That's why I felt frustrated. Yeah, okay.

00:42:45 Speaker_01
How I handle my frustration has way more to do with my own coping skills than it has to do with my child's relative provocation. And, I would say, Our circuitry for manning our own frustration predated our kids' existence.

00:43:04 Speaker_01
It probably is hard for me in general to deal with disappointment or when something doesn't go my way.

00:43:09 Speaker_01
And when I fast forward, I don't know, I think about the patterns with my kid and how that's going to impact the patterns they have with other adults, like a partner.

00:43:17 Speaker_01
I just picture, I don't know, let's say it's my son who, I don't know, gets married and their partner's like, oh, I was supposed to pick up food. I didn't know that, you know, and I don't know, something disappointed. My son like yells at his partner.

00:43:30 Speaker_01
I just can't imagine when I hear him say like, well, it's your fault that I yelled at you. Because if you had just remembered dinner, you know, like I wouldn't have done that.

00:43:40 Speaker_01
I'd be like, Oh my God, that is literally the creepiest, ickiest thing I've ever heard.

00:43:44 Speaker_01
But I kind of put that in place because if I tell my kids all the time, well, if you hadn't complained about dinner, if you had just gotten your shoes on when I asked, I wouldn't have yelled at you. Then what I'm really saying.

00:43:57 Speaker_00
is my behavior is your fault.

00:44:01 Speaker_01
That's exactly right. That's right. And that's I just don't know any of us who want to overhear our like 30 year old, 50 year old child ever say that.

00:44:11 Speaker_00
Right.

00:44:11 Speaker_01
What we want them to say is, look, we had a miscommunication. But either way, It's almost irrelevant to put that aside. I was frustrated. I was really, really hungry and really looking forward to you bringing home pizza, and you didn't.

00:44:23 Speaker_01
Still, there's a much better way to handle that, and that's on me. And that's not just what I owe you. I owe myself better managing that situation. I'm sorry I'm going to work on that. That is a repair.

00:44:33 Speaker_00
Wow, that's so good. Do you feel like in this process of learning to be a better parent or parenting in a way that feels really good to you, do you feel like that has healed like inner child stuff for you? It has to.

00:44:49 Speaker_01
I mean, this is really now the essence because I think what we do at Good Inside that's really different and that's probably why you're asking the question. Everything we help parents with with their kids simultaneously heals a part of themselves.

00:45:07 Speaker_01
And it's not just coincidence. That's the only way we change how we parent. If we are triggered all the time based on our own very understandable, very painful wounds, that is going to win every time over like a strategy we want to memorize.

00:45:24 Speaker_01
In fact, I think this visual is helpful because we do both. I couldn't decide, like, think about all these parenting strategies. This is how I set a boundary. This is what I want to say when my kid is left out.

00:45:33 Speaker_01
Like, we all kind of know where we could learn these strategies or scripts, whatever. They're kind of like on a shelf. Picture them on shelves. That's like my parenting strategies that I want to use.

00:45:45 Speaker_01
The key to the door that opens the closet that has all those things. is the reparenting work we do, is our trigger work.

00:45:54 Speaker_01
Because we can have all the strategies inside, but if that door is locked, it's, that's why people say, why in the moment do I just revert to old patterns?

00:46:05 Speaker_01
And this is when people always say, and because we're wired with these patterns, because something's wrong with me, because I'm a monster. No, no. We revert to the language we were spoken to when we were kids, but the beauty is,

00:46:20 Speaker_01
When we simultaneously work on that and our parenting, not only do we feel so proud of how we are parenting and proud of the kids that they're becoming, we actually, and this is what we hear, we just feel like better, sturdier versions of ourselves.

00:46:35 Speaker_01
Like, so we have this, it's an app now, but it's always been this membership. It's kind of like parenting is a skill. You don't need to do it hours in a day, but just like Duolingo, let's keep it up. Let's keep it up.

00:46:45 Speaker_01
And the reparenting and trigger work is I think really our bread and butter, right? And that combined with all the paraging stuff, we, we, I just came out of a user interview who said, I want to tell you the benefits I've gotten.

00:46:56 Speaker_01
I think she's been a member for nine months now. She was, I asked for a raise for the first time in my life. And then she said, this is so interesting. My college friends go away every year. Just, just them, the girls.

00:47:08 Speaker_01
And I've never gone because, honestly, my husband often rolls his eyes and says, like, I work all week. I can't manage the kids, like, you know, on the weekend.

00:47:17 Speaker_01
And she said, it's because of the work I've done here with boundaries and understanding whose feelings are whose that I was able to realize, wait, like, that's your discomfort, not mine. Like, we both had these kids. Yeah.

00:47:31 Speaker_01
And I realized I don't have to make you. feel better, I don't even need really exactly your approval.

00:47:37 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:47:38 Speaker_01
I just need your cooperation.

00:47:39 Speaker_00
Yes.

00:47:40 Speaker_01
And she goes, I went on my college girls trip for the first time since they've been doing it for a decade. And then literally, I was like, what about, I see you came in for tantrums and rudeness. And she literally goes, is that, is that why I came in?

00:47:55 Speaker_01
She's like, that's so much better. But like that, like, oh, because it's, it's so much more holistic.

00:48:01 Speaker_00
Yeah.

00:48:01 Speaker_01
Than, than just that. Yes, yeah.

00:48:04 Speaker_00
It's like if you want better relationships, whether it's parenting, romantic, friendships, whatever, you work on yourself. You work on yourself.

00:48:12 Speaker_01
That's such a piece of it. And I think, I just want to say, I think so often then we say, oh, so it's my fault. Like, no, that doesn't mean you work on yourself. It's your fault. It's actually, I would say, what an amazing opportunity we have as parents.

00:48:23 Speaker_00
Yes, it's your opportunity.

00:48:24 Speaker_01
Like, through parenting, I can become a sturdier leader in every area of my life. That's hard. I'm not trying to be Pollyanna about it. That is an opportunity.

00:48:33 Speaker_01
And the other reason I like to tell parents I like to help them is whatever parents listening, I trust your capability way more than your four-year-olds.

00:48:42 Speaker_01
Like, I just have more faith that you're going to have more impact on your family system than like putting that faith in the four-year-old, right?

00:48:48 Speaker_00
And that's actually a vote of confidence. For people who aren't already using the app, reading the books, go in on the YouTube, the amount of times I've gone on YouTube, like, close to tears, and been like, how do I?

00:49:00 Speaker_00
And then one of your videos comes up that's a podcast episode. Tell the audience where they can find all the information so they can fix all the things. So many things.

00:49:10 Speaker_01
And again, I think a lot about, I know that sounds so cheesy, and I know you would agree, too. Like, I don't even know if it's fixing or if it's like, hey, am I showing up as, like, really the parent I want to be?

00:49:22 Speaker_01
I think we have these moments where it's like, I wish that. And it's not because it was easy. It's probably because it was actually hard. And you're like, I really like how I handled that.

00:49:28 Speaker_01
But then if you're like me, too, you have months where it just feels so hard to get back to that. You're like, where's the road back to that good feeling? That's what I want.

00:49:36 Speaker_01
So if any parent is saying, I feel pretty good about my parenting, I literally say to them, OK, like, I wouldn't you don't need anything. But but if you're feeling not so great, number one, it is not your fault. The system is stacked against us.

00:49:50 Speaker_01
Number two, there's so many things you can do. I always like to say, I'm not just a pusher of good insight. If you're like, there's a parenting group in my town. I've never joined. I feel ashamed. Go there. There's a parent coach.

00:50:02 Speaker_01
Someone really likes that my friend. I've never made the call. Hull that person. Okay? If what I'm saying resonates, yes, take that next step with us. Like, just take that next step. So how? I would say there's two places to go. One is goodinside.com.

00:50:18 Speaker_01
It is the home of everything good inside. That's where you can find out more about social, about my podcast, about my book, about my new children's book that that'll come out soon.

00:50:28 Speaker_01
And about, I really think the thing I'm proudest of, I'm just going to say it, is our app. Because not only do we break it down personalized by our kid age, under five minutes a day, literally meant we built this aspect.

00:50:41 Speaker_01
It's kind of like flashcards for a day personalized by age, meant to be done when I do it, either brewing my coffee or scrolling in bed at night. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but I do it anyway. Okay.

00:50:50 Speaker_01
And then the other thing our app has, it's a chatbot. Like literally, I know a lot of people say, Dr. Becky, I wish I could just, I feel like this is a mess. I just want to text you and you'll tell me the thing. It's seriously just like that.

00:51:02 Speaker_01
It's incredible. Or go to the app store, search good inside. You'll see, I think we have now It's only been two months, I think, because there's 3,600 five-star reviews. Like, it's really game-changing. And give it a spin.

00:51:15 Speaker_01
And then, also, I just want to say to every parent here that I think there's this mix of, like, I kind of want to take a step, but again, that shame is so generational. I just want you to know parenting comes naturally for nobody.

00:51:33 Speaker_01
I work on my parenting all the time. It's easy for me to say it here. I have to do work. It is effort for me to show up with my kids in anywhere close to the way I'm talking about here. So if you're expending effort,

00:51:49 Speaker_01
I don't even want you to think about me kind of, quote, cheering you on. That makes me think I'm on the sidelines. I want you to think about me running and sweating in the race of the marathon with you, because I promise you I'm right alongside.

00:52:02 Speaker_00
So cool. Thank you so much for this time. I mean, I got a free therapy session that I'm going to go now try out, but thank you so much for the time. I know the audience is going to so appreciate it. Thank you.

00:52:13 Speaker_01
You asked the most thoughtful, right to the core questions. I love that about people. I'm not a fluff person. Thank you.

00:52:19 Speaker_00
Well, I'm gonna try this and then we'll bring you back on. Yeah, I'll let you know how it's going amazing The Rachel Hollis podcast is produced by me Rachel Hollis, it's edited by Andrew Weller and Jack Noble. I