5 Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found “The One” AI transcript and summary - episode of podcast The Mel Robbins Podcast
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Episode: 5 Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found “The One”
Author: Mel Robbins
Duration: 01:22:18
Episode Shownotes
In this episode, you will learn the requirements of a good relationship – and the signs your relationship may not go the distance.If you’re wondering if someone is “the one” and you’re not sure if you should end things, you’ll get the answer today.And if you’re struggling through a rough
patch in your relationship and want tools and tips on how to make it better, Mel is sharing that as well.Today, you’re getting the skills you need for any healthy romantic relationship.Whether you’re in the early stages of dating, committed for years, or simply curious about your compatibility, this episode will give you the tools to navigate love with confidence.Get a copy of Mel’s new book, The Let Them Theory, which she mentions in this episode.For more resources, including links to the studies mentioned in the episode, click here for the podcast episode page.If you liked this episode, and want to hear a very candid conversation with Mel and her husband Chris about their 28 year marriage, listen to this episode next: How To Create Better Relationships: 6 Surprising Lessons From 28 Years Of MarriageConnect with Mel: Watch the episodes on YouTubeFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to ad-free new episodes Disclaimer
Summary
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel explores relationship compatibility, addressing common doubts about partners and dynamics. She identifies three mistakes people make that lead to remaining with the wrong partner or leaving a potentially good relationship. Mel introduces the ABC loop assessment tool to help improve communication and understanding. She discusses the significance of recognizing deal breakers, maintaining self-awareness, and fostering positive influences in relationships. The episode also touches on the importance of having open conversations about fundamental issues to ensure mutual growth and understanding.
Go to PodExtra AI's episode page (5 Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found “The One”) to play and view complete AI-processed content: summary, mindmap, topics, takeaways, transcript, keywords and highlights.
Full Transcript
00:00:00 Speaker_00
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You and I are going to tackle one of the most agonizing questions that every single human being on this planet grapples with at some point. You might be grappling with this right now.
00:00:21 Speaker_00
What is the question? It's, am I with the right person? Is this the right relationship for me or is there someone else that's better out there? Well, today, here's what we're going to do. I have dug into the research on relationships.
00:00:36 Speaker_00
I have also looked at my 30 year marriage. I've looked at the toxic dating patterns that I was engaged in before I met my husband. And I have three mistakes that I'm going to reveal to you today.
00:00:49 Speaker_00
These are three mistakes that people make that either have them stay with the wrong person or end it with the right person. And then I'm gonna teach you this relationship assessment tool. It's called the ABC loop.
00:01:04 Speaker_00
And by the time you and I are done with our conversation today, you're either going to have the courage and the conviction to finally end something that you know in your gut is wrong for you, or you're gonna realize, holy cow, I am with the right person.
00:01:20 Speaker_00
And now I know what I need to do to move forward and make it even better. One of the most important relationships in your life is the one that you have with your partner. I guarantee you there is so much more excitement waiting for you both.
00:01:35 Speaker_00
And I have something very simple and surprising that I want to share with you thanks to Celebrity Cruises because they've sponsored this awesome and amazing bonus segment at the end of the episode.
00:01:45 Speaker_00
So listen all the way to the end and I'll see you there. You can learn more at CelebrityCruises.com. Visit Celebrity.com for details, ships registry, Malta and Ecuador. Hey, it's your friend Mel. I am so thrilled that you tuned in today.
00:02:02 Speaker_00
I'm just unbelievably fired up for our conversation because I have so much to share with you. And in fact, the topic that we're going to dig into, which is this question that we all grapple with at some point in our relationships.
00:02:18 Speaker_00
And I don't care if you've just been on a first date, if you're single, if you've been married for 28 years like I have, at some point you're going to have this agonizing question, am I with the right person? This is normal.
00:02:33 Speaker_00
And there are things that you need to do and mistakes you need to avoid when you start to ask yourself this question. And we are going to unpack all of that.
00:02:43 Speaker_00
And I have so much to share with you because I've just spent the last two years writing a book called The Let Them Theory. An entire section of this book is about this topic.
00:02:55 Speaker_00
knowing whether or not you're with the right person or in the right relationship and unpacking the tools and the science that applies here, that is going to help you make the right decision for you.
00:03:06 Speaker_00
And I promise you, you're going to leave the conversation so empowered. And so thank you for hitting play. If you're brand new, welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
00:03:15 Speaker_00
And one of the things that I know about you because you chose to listen to this episode is that you are interested in creating a better life.
00:03:24 Speaker_00
that you do know that you deserve happiness and that you deserve to be in a mutually loving, amazing relationship that brings out the best in you.
00:03:33 Speaker_00
And so whether somebody who loves you forwarded you this, and now you're hitting play and you're listening to this episode and to this podcast for the first time, whether you have been on a first date,
00:03:46 Speaker_00
or a string of breakups, or you're an empty nester, or something that's very common, if you're somebody that is now really focused on improving yourself, becoming happier, when you start to change, your relationship changes.
00:04:00 Speaker_00
And so as you're changing, if your partner's not changing, you're probably starting to question, is this the right person for me? Is this person supporting me? Am I in the right relationship?
00:04:09 Speaker_00
Now that I'm an empty nester, now that I'm this, now that I'm that, this is normal. And so we're going to normalize this question that we all grapple with, which is, am I with the right person or the bigger one we don't talk about?
00:04:23 Speaker_00
Is there somebody better out there?
00:04:27 Speaker_00
And so if you're grappling with this right now, or you're watching a friend, or you're watching one of your kids, or you're watching your parent, whether it's post-divorce or post like losing a spouse, step into the dating scene, you're like, oh, I don't know about that person for you.
00:04:46 Speaker_00
This is a conversation that is going to empower you. This is a conversation to share with the people that you love. So I think the best place to start is the moment in a relationship where you start to question, is this the right person for me?
00:05:07 Speaker_00
And the first thing I want to normalize is that is something that everyone feels at some point in their relationship.
00:05:16 Speaker_00
I don't care if you've been married for 50 years, if you've just met and had a one night stand and now you think this is the love of your life, there will come a moment in time where you go, is this the person for me?
00:05:33 Speaker_00
And one of the things that I am seeing over and over is this sense that there's so many options out there and the dating apps do this that you just wonder, is there someone better?
00:05:46 Speaker_00
And so I think it's very normal to have that, but that is very different than having this sense that something's off. Having this sense that this is a good person But is this a good person for me?
00:06:03 Speaker_00
And that is a really important thing to think about because the decision of who you are going to have a long-term committed relationship with is one of the single most important decisions in your entire life.
00:06:18 Speaker_00
The person that you have a partnership with impacts your health, it impacts your happiness, it impacts your goals, it impacts the amount of stress that you have.
00:06:29 Speaker_00
And I once heard somebody say to me, the secret to a happy marriage is marrying somebody who's a happy person. And
00:06:39 Speaker_00
That's very simple advice, but the truth is, if you start to feel unsatisfied in the relationship, it is natural to question the relationship.
00:06:51 Speaker_00
And I'm sure as you're listening, you're thinking, okay, Mel, well, how do I know when that questioning is just me being unrealistic and me being negative? And how do I know when the questioning is a real problem? Like we're constantly bickering.
00:07:06 Speaker_00
There's a lot of frustration. We're fighting over stuff all the time. Well, the truth is if more than half the time you're frustrated or bickering, this is not the right relationship for you. Period.
00:07:17 Speaker_00
Because there's something off between the way that the two of you are interacting with each other, and the relationship should actually make you feel like more of yourself. A relationship that works for you should bring out the best in you.
00:07:31 Speaker_00
And if the relationship that you're in is bringing out the worst in you, it's making you insecure. It's making you question yourself. It's making you feel like you have to compromise your values. It's making you have to constantly explain yourself.
00:07:45 Speaker_00
You feel self-conscious around your friends because you kind of know deep down inside that you're not really your best self because of this person that you're with and that you're changing and you're not changing in good ways.
00:07:56 Speaker_00
And so this is a deeply personal question and here's what I know. You know if you're not with the right person. You do. Deep down, you know you're not with the right person.
00:08:10 Speaker_00
And I'm gonna give you a couple things to consider so that you know that it's actually time to end something versus it's time to work on something. If you're in a relationship where you're not able to be yourself, you are in the wrong relationship.
00:08:27 Speaker_00
because I'm going to tell you something. This is not going to get better.
00:08:32 Speaker_00
If the person that you're with makes you insecure or ignores you, or they never want to do anything that you want to do, or it's always about them, and you're quietly griping to your therapist about it or your friends about it, but you're not able to talk to this person, this is going to be a relationship that over time makes you miserable, it makes you worse, and it's going to eventually end in a breakup.
00:08:57 Speaker_00
And what's going to be super hard about it is that you're going to waste months, years of your life trying to make something work that you probably knew six months ago just isn't working.
00:09:12 Speaker_00
And the first thing that I want you to do is ask yourself, is this relationship good for me? Are you actually able to be yourself around this person? Do they bring out the best in you? Do you feel safe and supported and respected?
00:09:28 Speaker_00
Do you feel like a priority? Like they actually care about you and they have you in mind?
00:09:36 Speaker_00
And these are important things to consider because, you know, I think in today's world, it's so easy to get caught up in, oh my God, I want the wedding in Lake Como and I want the gender reveal and I want the fantasy and, you know, I want the engagement proposal photos on all the things that you forget.
00:09:55 Speaker_00
The person that you choose to spend your life with is the single most important decision you're going to make. Like this isn't some joke.
00:10:03 Speaker_00
And I don't want you to get so wrapped up in the fear of being single and never finding the one that you compromise on the most important decision you're going to make, which is who are you going to create an amazing life with?
00:10:17 Speaker_00
And that goes way beyond what they look like or how tall they are or what their current bank account is. If you really want to go the distance, you got to be willing to look deeper at what makes for a good relationship for you.
00:10:34 Speaker_00
Because you deserve to be with somebody who truly brings out the best in you. You deserve to be with somebody who makes you a priority. And when you start to question it, it's an opportunity for you to really examine, what do I need?
00:10:49 Speaker_00
What do I want to feel like? And is this person, when I talk to them about this, do they lean into me? Do they want to work on this together? Am I willing to make compromises with this person? Because that's another thing.
00:11:01 Speaker_00
If you get to a point in a relationship where your arms are crossed and they're the problem and they're the problem and they're the problem, well, you're part of the problem too. because you're probably not compromising.
00:11:11 Speaker_00
And so I love that you are willing to ask yourself this question, is this person a good fit for me?
00:11:18 Speaker_00
Because too many times, you're so worried about being single again, or you're worried that you're now in your 30s and you're gonna not find somebody in time, or you're worried that, oh my God, if I don't make this work, then I'm gonna get divorced or I'm gonna be broken up with again.
00:11:34 Speaker_00
You have to double down.
00:11:37 Speaker_00
on the belief that you deserve and will create an incredible love story if you're willing to be honest with yourself and if you're willing to have the hard conversations with somebody so you give both of you an opportunity to lean in and grow together.
00:11:58 Speaker_00
That's what this is about. So stop focusing on the timeline, stop focusing on what your friends are doing, stop focusing on your track record, and focus on the fact that you do deserve love.
00:12:10 Speaker_00
And this conversation that's very difficult is one step forward in creating that love for yourself and being honest with yourself about the mistakes you may be making.
00:12:22 Speaker_00
I wanna talk about the topic of compatibility because I believe that this is deeply misunderstood and this is where everybody gets themselves into trouble in their relationships.
00:12:33 Speaker_00
Compatibility means that you have attraction, you have the desire to make it work, and it also means that you want the same things. The attraction part's really easy, right? Because you know if you're attracted to somebody and you know if it's mutual.
00:12:52 Speaker_00
But here's the thing, it is extremely common to be attracted to someone and to have a certain level of commitment, maybe you're exclusive or maybe you've been dating or living together, but you're not compatible.
00:13:08 Speaker_01
And what does that mean?
00:13:10 Speaker_00
When you're not compatible, it means you just don't quite fit. That as much as you may try, as much as you may be forcing it, as much as you may want it to work, it's just not working. There's something that's not right and you know it.
00:13:30 Speaker_00
It's harder than it needs to be. There's tension. You kind of dread seeing their name pop up on the phone. You know when something's not working.
00:13:39 Speaker_00
And when that happens, I want to take a giant highlighter, what you have here is compatibility and whether or not it's actually going to work. And here's the hardest thing. Sometimes you can be with somebody great and they're just not great for you.
00:13:55 Speaker_00
Sometimes you're with somebody and it's really good in the beginning, and then as you spend more and more time together, it's not good at all. And this is when you start to question, am I with the right person?
00:14:08 Speaker_00
It's not like there's anything wrong, but deep down you feel like there's something wrong. And this is super important for you to pay attention to, because if you feel like there's something off, then there is something off.
00:14:22 Speaker_00
And the good news about feeling that there's something off is that if the thing that's off is something that your partner and you are willing to work on together, the thing that's off can actually make the relationship amazing because you work on it together and you grow together.
00:14:41 Speaker_00
Any married couple will tell you, and I've been married for 28 years, there are a bazillion times in my relationship with Chris where things have felt off.
00:14:50 Speaker_00
And when things feel like they're not quite right, you wanna have a partner that you lean toward each other, not that you lean away from each other.
00:15:00 Speaker_00
And so you can use these moments, you're like, huh, is this the right person for me to learn more about yourself, to learn more about your partner, and to help you determine whether or not this person is the right person for you and you're the right person for them.
00:15:13 Speaker_00
And if you're in a relationship right now and you know deep down I wish this person treated me differently. I wish I was a priority. I wish that they would make more of an effort.
00:15:30 Speaker_00
I wish they didn't get drunk every night and then pass out next to me in bed and then pretend like it's no big deal in the morning. I wish they were more interested in my friends.
00:15:44 Speaker_00
If these are the kinds of things that are happening and you haven't had the conversation, then the problem in the relationship is you. Because you're not raising the issues that would make you feel seen and make you feel safe.
00:15:59 Speaker_00
And in raising the issues in your relationship, if there is no change, there's not going to be a change. If there is an inability to hear you, there will never be an ability to hear you, and you better find the exit and sprint forward.
00:16:14 Speaker_00
And so, first of all, if you're questioning, good. Let's use this as an opportunity and unpack how you're gonna figure out, am I compatible, am I not? Is this my person, or is this not my person? And so, first things first, good job.
00:16:31 Speaker_00
Good job for recognizing that something's off. Now what I wanna tell you is that there's three major mistakes that everybody makes in this moment. And I don't want you to make these mistakes. Number one, major mistake is chasing the potential.
00:16:47 Speaker_00
that you're in a relationship with a fantasy in your head and you're not actually in a relationship with the person as they are. Rule number one in the let them theory is that human beings only change when they feel like it.
00:17:00 Speaker_00
And you will never be able to change another human being.
00:17:03 Speaker_00
And the single biggest mistake that I see with anybody dating or anybody in a relationship is that you're holding onto the potential and you're living in a fantasy in your head and you're not accepting reality, which is why you need to let them be who they are and then decide what you're gonna do about it.
00:17:23 Speaker_00
That is what you need to do. So that's mistake number one. is chasing the potential. Mistake number two is that you're with somebody and your values aren't aligned.
00:17:34 Speaker_00
You don't want the same things, and yet you're convincing yourself that eventually this person's gonna come around and convert to your religion, or they're gonna come around and they're gonna wanna have children, or they're gonna come around and they're gonna wanna sell all their possessions with you and travel around the world for two years.
00:17:53 Speaker_00
And the research is very clear on this. If you have to give up your dreams in order to stay with this person, this is not gonna work.
00:18:02 Speaker_00
And the reason why this is not gonna work is because you will grow to resent the other person because you will blame them for being the reason why you didn't get to go to medical school, or you didn't get to move over to the other side of the planet and have this adventure, or you didn't get to have kids.
00:18:22 Speaker_00
And here's the hard truth. When you compromise your own values for the sake of a relationship and you give up on your dreams for the sake of staying with somebody else, If the other person isn't to blame, you are.
00:18:36 Speaker_00
If you have dreams and a vision for your life, it is your responsibility to create that vision and to hold that vision for yourself.
00:18:46 Speaker_00
And one of the hardest things in the world is when you wake up and realize you love somebody and you care about somebody who fundamentally does not share the same vision about what they want in life.
00:18:58 Speaker_00
And if that is where you are at, then this is not a relationship that is gonna make either one of you happy. And so that's mistake number two, that you think this is gonna change and it's not.
00:19:09 Speaker_00
Mistake number three is this 80-20 rule, that you're with somebody that has like 80% of the things that you want. But here you are in your mind thinking the 20% of things that aren't deep values, these are just nice to have, right?
00:19:26 Speaker_00
This is like the wishlist that we all, oh, I wish that they were taller. I wish that they were a little bit more athletic. I wish that they weren't so introverted at parties.
00:19:35 Speaker_00
It's more of a thing about like their personality or I wish that they were a better skier, whatever it may be, that you've got this sort of 20% out here. And what I often see
00:19:46 Speaker_00
is that people will dump somebody that has 80% of the deep, amazing, meaningful stuff. They're kind. They have a growth mindset. They're loyal. They treat you with respect.
00:19:58 Speaker_00
You have fun together, but you're just kind of in that stage, kind of like the stage. We all go through that stage because you're just kind of in a plateau in your relationship and you end up breaking up, not for any reason,
00:20:10 Speaker_00
But just because that 20%, that sparkly stuff is missing, you think if you had somebody that would take you off on some romantic thing or that would buy you flowers more, that, you know, would dress a little nicer, that somehow that would make your life better.
00:20:26 Speaker_00
And then what ends up happening? You end up dating people that have the 20% and you realize, oh my God, the 80% is what mattered. And I was just such a perfectionist, freak, FOMO, you know, afflicted person that I've been chasing the 20%.
00:20:43 Speaker_00
We do this with our careers. We do this with our closet. We do this with our cars. We think that more, better, different is more, better, different. And oftentimes that stuff that you're chasing doesn't flipping matter.
00:20:57 Speaker_00
The people that are gorgeous right now are going to be ugly in 20 years. The people that are in shape right now are going to get fat when you get pregnant. The people that have a great job might get fired in five years, might lose it all.
00:21:10 Speaker_00
You don't know what's going to happen, but when you got somebody that has the 80% that really matters, they're aligned on the values and character, they make you feel like yourself.
00:21:21 Speaker_00
You're kind of in the rhythm where it's boring, but okay, maybe boring is a sign that the relationship is good. Maybe drama and conflict is what happens with people that only have the 20%. What if boring is your new normal?
00:21:36 Speaker_00
Because it means you're with somebody who's safe and stable. And so I'm outlining these three mistakes. You're not aligned on your values. You're chasing the 20% when you have the 80%.
00:21:50 Speaker_00
Or you're simply ignoring the obvious and you're constantly chasing the potential. You're trying to fix. Like that's what you think love is. That's not what love is. Love is boring. Love is the 80%.
00:22:02 Speaker_00
Love is the ability to talk to your partner about what's not working and what you need and to actually have your partner lean in and wanna try to make things better. That's what makes a relationship work.
00:22:15 Speaker_00
And so here's the cool thing I want you to know. Having the conversation that things aren't working is how you make things work.
00:22:24 Speaker_00
Because if you have the conversation about what's not working and you ask open-ended questions and you apologize for your part of the frustrating dynamic, one of two things is going to happen.
00:22:36 Speaker_00
The person's either going to reveal that they're not the right person for you through their behavior and their response, or they're going to lean in and they're going to work on it with you. And that's a sign of a beautiful, healthy relationship.
00:22:49 Speaker_00
I'm willing to bet you haven't even had the conversation. I'm willing to bet that you haven't looked at whether or not you're making one of these three mistakes.
00:22:58 Speaker_00
And before you just break up with somebody, I want you to really look in the mirror and go, am I making one of these three mistakes? Have I had the conversation? And if you haven't, then have the conversation.
00:23:12 Speaker_00
This feels like a really good place to take a pause because I just shared a lot with you and I'm sure your head is already spinning.
00:23:19 Speaker_00
And I'm sure one of the things that you're thinking about is a bunch of people in your life who need this conversation. I want you to share this episode with them. Take a listen to our amazing sponsors and don't go anywhere.
00:23:32 Speaker_00
Because when we come back, we're going to continue to dig into these tools to give you the clarity, the courage, and the road forward that you deserve. Alrighty, stay with me. I'll be waiting for you after a short break.
00:23:52 Speaker_00
Welcome back, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and today you and I are using science and research and common sense to dig into the most grappling question out there that every human being faces, which is, am I with the right person?
00:24:08 Speaker_00
And you're probably wondering, well, Mel, I have had the conversation. We've argued about the drinking and how much time they go out with their friends. We've talked about their ambition.
00:24:18 Speaker_00
We've talked about the fact that, you know, I really want to go to medical school. And if I go to medical school, I want you to come with me and I want you to support me through this.
00:24:28 Speaker_00
We have talked about the fact that I wish that you were more interested in watching football with me and my friends. And it goes nowhere. It goes absolutely nowhere. Instead, we just kind of talk about it. Nothing changes.
00:24:39 Speaker_00
I used to do this too, and the approach that you need to take, if you're sitting there listening to me and you're like, okay, noted Mel, I've been questioning, I've been wondering if this is the right person, and you're right, I haven't raised the issue, or I've raised the issue and it's gone nowhere.
00:24:57 Speaker_00
I want you to use a technique that I write about extensively in my book, The Let Them Theory. The technique is something I call the ABC loop.
00:25:09 Speaker_00
And the reason why I call it a loop is because the ABC part, you're gonna have to keep having over and over in a loop. And I'm going to tell you what the ABC part is, and then I'm going to walk you through how you have this conversation.
00:25:24 Speaker_00
A is when you apologize and you ask open-ended questions. That's A. B means you're going to back off and you're going to watch someone's behavior.
00:25:37 Speaker_00
And C is when you are going to just compliment and celebrate any small change that you see, and you yourself are going to model the change that you wish your partner would have.
00:25:53 Speaker_00
And I highly, highly, highly recommend if you're sitting there questioning a relationship, you follow the ABC loop formula before you break up because I guarantee you, you have not approached this the right way.
00:26:07 Speaker_00
And using science, you can have a conversation that will reveal whether or not this is a person who is willing to grow, who can hear you, and who could possibly be the partner that you actually deserve.
00:26:21 Speaker_00
And so I'm going to give you two scenarios of how you can use the ABC loop with anybody where you have an issue, where it's bothering you and there's a standoff and you really want it to change, but it's pretty clear that the way you've been approaching it is backfiring because the change isn't happening.
00:26:41 Speaker_00
And the two examples we're going to talk about One is when your partner has just let their health go and it could be anything health related. It could be their diet. It could be a lack of exercise.
00:26:52 Speaker_00
It could be that they've become really sedentary and now they're on their phone all the time or they're playing video games all the time and they're just not as active. Might be something mental health wise.
00:27:01 Speaker_00
They're just super negative and there's work that they could do or tools that they could be using and they're just not doing it. So that's one topic where a lot of couples get into a standoff.
00:27:14 Speaker_00
The second topic we're going to talk about is something that is a lot deeper and scarier. And that is when you have a conflict with somebody over a core value or a deep, deep, deep desire that you have. And the topic we're going to talk about is kids.
00:27:29 Speaker_00
Like, let's just say you're with somebody and you want to have kids, but they don't, or they want to have kids, but you don't. How do you handle these issues in your relationship?
00:27:39 Speaker_00
And how do you use the tools and science to truly pull apart whether or not this is just a difference of opinion, or this is something you have to accept, or whether or not this is truly a deal breaker?
00:27:52 Speaker_00
So let's start with a situation where you're with somebody who's let their health go. How do you approach this topic in a way that both supports the change happening and also helps you determine whether or not this is a deal breaker for you?
00:28:06 Speaker_00
It might be related to their weight, it might be related to mental health issues, and they are refusing to get therapy or to use their tools.
00:28:16 Speaker_00
These are very common and very challenging situations when you're in a partnership with somebody who is just not taking care of themselves. And you start to feel frustrated.
00:28:28 Speaker_00
And I know for me, in my relationship with Chris, this happened when he was struggling with depression, and he didn't want to use the tools.
00:28:39 Speaker_00
And I've had lots of friends who have had relationships or been married to people who used to be super athletic, And then all of a sudden, because of work or just because they just started feeling more and more unmotivated, they let their health go.
00:28:53 Speaker_00
And next thing you know, they're going up several sizes in pants and they aren't as active and they don't want to participate the way that they used to. And when it happens and it's going to happen in your relationship,
00:29:07 Speaker_00
you tend to go on this curve where first you're really like encouraging. Like, let's just take the example of wanting your partner to work out more, okay? And what do you do when you want your partner to work out more? You invite them to go to the gym.
00:29:24 Speaker_00
You say, let's go for a walk. You maybe buy them a personal training session. You buy them new sneakers. You get them athletic wear. And then as that doesn't work, What happens? You start to get a little annoyed.
00:29:40 Speaker_00
And you start to then notice how your friend's partners are physically fit.
00:29:46 Speaker_00
You start to feel jealous about the fact that you see other couples going for a jog along the Charles River while your partner is, you know, sitting at home watching, you know, the ball game.
00:29:56 Speaker_00
Or you start to notice, like, why is it that we used to go do all these things and we don't do it anymore? And you're frustrated.
00:30:04 Speaker_00
Because every time you come home from work and you see your partner sitting on the couch with a bag of chips in their hand with the television on, you're thinking, why can't you get your ass off the couch and go for a jog for crying out loud?
00:30:16 Speaker_00
Because I'm starting to find you not that attractive anymore. And it happens. And here's the mistake that we make. We, instead of inspiring and influencing change, we actually cause a standoff and resistance to change.
00:30:35 Speaker_00
You know, you and I think that we're doing the right thing. We're like, hey, you should really update your resume and work on it. That doesn't inspire and motivate the person that you love to change.
00:30:46 Speaker_00
In fact, what we know based on the neuroscience, and I write about this extensively in the Let Them Theory book in section six, which is all about the fact that you can't change other people.
00:30:56 Speaker_00
And when your partner starts to let themselves go, you are going to want to change them. Full stop. You're just going to want to because you want your partner to be vibrant. You want them to stay in shape.
00:31:06 Speaker_00
You want them to be active and healthy and to be alive long so that you guys can enjoy each other. So here's the problem.
00:31:16 Speaker_00
We quickly go from encouraging positive change by giving gifts and making recommendations or trying to be helpful, and what the science unequivocally says, and this comes from Dr. K., the healthy gamer, Harvard-trained psychiatrist, who I absolutely love, that human beings are hardwired to be in control of themselves.
00:31:44 Speaker_00
Feeling like you can control your life and your choices makes you feel safe. And so when somebody else tells you, you should really brush up your resume, does that make you leap out of your chair and go, you're right, I should?
00:31:59 Speaker_01
It makes you go, I'll do that when I'm ready.
00:32:06 Speaker_00
When somebody says, you know, it's a nice day for a walk, you don't go, you're right, let's go. You go, thanks, Captain Obvious. I think I'll sit here on the couch. If I wanted to go for a walk, I'd be out for a walk. Next.
00:32:19 Speaker_00
And that's not somebody being a jerk. That's your brain wiring. Because when somebody else tries to force or pressure you to change, your own natural human wiring creates resistance to it. Your pressure causes someone to push back.
00:32:38 Speaker_00
And look, I know because I've been in this situation with my adult kids, I've been in this situation with my husband, certainly, where I wanted them to change. I had amazing reasons for them to change.
00:32:48 Speaker_00
This isn't some big values, like deal breaker, amazing standoff fight. I just want the best for them. But you can't want change for someone else. And when you try to force someone else to change, you actually create resistance to change.
00:33:05 Speaker_00
So you're the reason why there's no room for change. You need to understand something. People only change when they feel like it. Your partner will only take better care of themselves if they think it's their idea. And that's why you need the ABC loop.
00:33:25 Speaker_00
Because I said you couldn't change somebody, I never said you couldn't influence them. Your behavior has a profound influence on the people around you.
00:33:35 Speaker_00
And if you use the science and you understand that any pressure is gonna create resistance, you gotta create space and acceptance.
00:33:47 Speaker_00
because that space and acceptance of where the person is gives the other person the space to step into the change and feel like it was their choice.
00:33:58 Speaker_00
Because otherwise, they just feel like you're a bitch or you're controlling, and to shut you up, they gotta do what you say, and that's not a healthy dynamic in a relationship.
00:34:09 Speaker_00
So here's how you use the ABC loop in the situation where your partner has let them go and you're worried about them. I'm very worried about him. And there's a little bit of prep work I want you to do before you just jump into these conversations.
00:34:26 Speaker_00
The first thing I want you to do is to truly ask yourself, why does this bother you so much? Like, what is it that makes you feel like you gotta parent this other adult?
00:34:37 Speaker_00
What is it about their letting their health go or this issue that you can't let go in the relationship? What is it for you? And the fastest way to get to the bottom of why this matters for you is to ask yourself why five times.
00:34:54 Speaker_00
Why do I care if my partner health is gone? And you might start off by saying, because I'm worried about their health. And then you go, why? Well, because we used to do a lot of fun stuff and we don't do anything anymore. Why?
00:35:07 Speaker_00
Well, it makes me worried because I read in the paper the other day that this guy dropped dead of a heart attack at 50 and I don't want that to happen to them. or I see my other friends dating people that are super active and it bothers me, why?
00:35:23 Speaker_00
Ooh, now this is where this gets interesting. Because oftentimes what you'll find when you ask five whys is you don't like the fact that the person has let themselves go because you think it looks bad for you.
00:35:37 Speaker_00
Because you feel like it's something to do with you. Or you may find when you get to these five whys that you are just deeply scared about this person's health.
00:35:53 Speaker_00
And it's important for you to start there because when you step into this conversation, you gotta be able to own your side of the pressure, and you also need to be able to apologize authentically.
00:36:05 Speaker_00
And so the ABC loop again is you're gonna apologize and ask open-ended questions.
00:36:11 Speaker_00
then you're gonna back off and observe behavior, and then you're gonna model change and celebrate any small forward progress in a very authentic way, no passive aggressive comments, and you're gonna do it for three months.
00:36:25 Speaker_00
So you're gonna sit down, you're gonna apologize for being a jerk. I'm so sorry that I've been texting you workouts through DMs. I'm so sorry that I've been pressuring you. I am so sorry that I've made offhanded comments.
00:36:39 Speaker_00
I love you, I am trying to support you, and I've just never even asked you, how do you feel about your health? What does it feel like for you in terms of how I have shown up? How can I show up differently for you? What do you want?
00:37:00 Speaker_00
And it doesn't matter what they say. You are there to listen, you're there to ask questions. If they say, my health is fine, you say, what's fine about your health? Like, why do you say it's fine?
00:37:14 Speaker_00
And again, I'm gonna remind you, the point isn't the words that come out of their mouth. Because the fact is, your person knows they've let their health go. they're in conflict about it.
00:37:27 Speaker_00
They know what they need to be doing and they know they're not doing it and they don't feel good about it.
00:37:32 Speaker_00
And you simply asking the question, what happens based on this research that Dr. K was talking about, is that it stirs up this really necessary internal tension that reveals for the person in your life, the disconnect between what they know to be true and what they want and their actions.
00:37:56 Speaker_00
And that conversation may last five minutes, it might be 20 minutes. I like to have these conversations in a car, because the person's trapped, and you don't have to look at them. And you can just not get triggered by their emotions.
00:38:13 Speaker_00
And I find that, especially with my adult kids, even though we're talking about compatibility here, this is a technique you use with anybody.
00:38:22 Speaker_00
And so I do the prep work, and then I get them in the car, because there's no drinking, there's nowhere to go, you're both looking ahead, people tend to be able to talk more openly in that setting for some reason, and so it might last a long time, it might not.
00:38:38 Speaker_00
Good job on doing A. Now B, and you need to let them through, you gotta back off. Back off. Let them. Let them sit on the couch, let them eat potato chips, let them not work on their resume,
00:38:51 Speaker_00
Let them be, let them live their lives, let them be an adult, let them. You have to back off and observe their behavior. Why? Their behavior is the truth. You may care about this, they may not. You may be motivated about this, they are not.
00:39:13 Speaker_00
Their behavior tells you this. And I'm gonna tell you a quick story because
00:39:18 Speaker_00
I need you to understand the C part because the C part is anytime you see anything positive happen, you have to cheer or celebrate this person and you have to model the change.
00:39:31 Speaker_00
You can't expect somebody in your life to stop drinking while you're pouring a glass of wine at night. You cannot expect somebody in your life to suddenly eat healthy and start walking every day after dinner if you're not.
00:39:45 Speaker_00
You cannot expect somebody to go gluten-free or to address their allergies if you haven't done it yourself. And so C is model the change and make it look fun and easy. Not like rubbing it in, but just when you go out for a walk, go out for a walk.
00:40:00 Speaker_00
When you come back in, just be like, oh my gosh, it's so beautiful outside. I feel so much more focused. I'm going to go back upstairs and get my stuff done. You didn't ask them to go for a walk. You didn't pressure them.
00:40:11 Speaker_00
You demonstrated the change and you made it look fun and easy. Now, people naturally move towards things that are fun and easy. This is why you and I buy stuff that we don't need. A sports figure is like, my golf game improved with this club.
00:40:24 Speaker_00
You're like, ooh, that looks fun and easy. I think I need that now. And so I'm gonna tell you a quick story. Let's say you're at work and every day at lunch, your colleague gets up, puts on their jacket and goes outside for a walk.
00:40:37 Speaker_00
And you're like tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, and shoveling food in your mouth because you're addicted to being busy and you're tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. And you watch this happen every day for a couple of weeks.
00:40:48 Speaker_01
They never once ask you to go for a walk. Never. While you're like shoving food in your mouth, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.
00:40:57 Speaker_00
How long do you think it would take for you one day to look up and see that it's a sunny day and think to yourself, huh, I think I'm gonna go for a walk at lunch today.
00:41:11 Speaker_01
Couple weeks, maybe a month.
00:41:15 Speaker_00
If you watch somebody do this every day at work and they came back with a smile on their face and then they sat down with no drama and just kind of started tapping and it seemed happy, See, the research is very clear.
00:41:27 Speaker_00
This comes from neuroscientist, Dr. Sherritt, who teaches at King's College London and MIT, that your behavior influences other people, but other people have to think it's their idea in order to do it.
00:41:42 Speaker_00
See, when two or three weeks or a month goes by and all of a sudden you get up and you walk outside at lunch, you go, why do I not do this every day? This is amazing. You don't credit your colleague. You credit yourself for doing it.
00:41:58 Speaker_00
And this is critical for you to understand this is neuroscience and basic wiring. You have to create the space and the conditions where your behavior influences somebody but doesn't pressure them.
00:42:15 Speaker_00
This issue is a standoff because you've been pressuring them.
00:42:20 Speaker_00
I want you to let them be themselves and focus on the let me part, let me influence you by having the open-ended questions and asking and backing off and then changing and modeling the change.
00:42:37 Speaker_00
And when they suddenly get up and go for a walk or go for a run or the TV is off and they're in the kitchen working on their resume, don't be passive aggressive. See, doesn't that feel good? Like that feels like a shame.
00:42:53 Speaker_00
You're like, oh my gosh, your resume looks amazing. Or how is it outside? I think I might go for a walk. That looks like fun. Do you see the difference there?
00:43:02 Speaker_00
Because oftentimes when somebody finally does something, you swoop in and are like, see, I told you so. Wasn't that good? Now that makes somebody go F you. I'm not doing it again because I'm not your child.
00:43:14 Speaker_00
But when you say, oh, that looks like a good idea. Let me try it. now all of a sudden you're reinforcing the positive change. And here's the final thing, you gotta give it three months because they may never change.
00:43:30 Speaker_00
So let's just take a few minutes and just allow what you're learning to sink into your mind, body, and spirit.
00:43:40 Speaker_00
And if somebody keeps coming to mind, please be generous and share this episode with them, because there is zero doubt in my mind, it could change the trajectory of their life. And don't go anywhere, because we have so much more to talk about.
00:43:53 Speaker_00
And I will be waiting for you after a short break. Welcome back, it's your friend Mel. I hope that you had a chance to just really think about what we've been talking about here and unpacking together, because this is really important.
00:44:16 Speaker_00
You deserve to be in a loving partnership and you can absolutely create it. And using what you're learning today, you will. So let's talk about if you've had this conversation,
00:44:31 Speaker_00
and you've truly given them the three months, you've just backed off and you've watched your behavior and you're gonna need the let them theory.
00:44:37 Speaker_00
You're gonna have to keep going, let them, let them, let them, let them, let them to remind yourself that you gotta back off and let me just focus on modeling the changes. Let me focus on observing their behavior.
00:44:49 Speaker_00
Let me focus on removing pressure and seeing if I can accept and love and support this person exactly as they are. If these three months go by and they don't change, they're not going to change.
00:45:02 Speaker_00
So you have to move to steps D and E. And D means you have to decide if this is a deal breaker. And E means you got to either end the relationship or end your complaining about it. So I know you're thinking, well, how do I know if it's a deal breaker?
00:45:18 Speaker_01
It's very simple. Can you stop complaining about it? If you can't stop complaining about it, here's what it tells me.
00:45:26 Speaker_00
This is an issue that matters to you. this is an issue that is not something you're willing to just compromise on.
00:45:35 Speaker_00
This is an issue where if this person continues to just let their health go, or they continue to refuse to go to therapy, or they continue to just yell at you or be passive aggressive with you or text you nonstop at work when you've said, I can't like, or text you when you're with your girlfriends.
00:45:53 Speaker_00
And you just are like, I, I don't want to be with somebody who acts like this. That's a deal breaker because you have to understand people only change when they feel like it. This person's behavior is demonstrated.
00:46:08 Speaker_00
They either don't feel like it, they don't want to, they're incapable of it. And so now it's on you.
00:46:14 Speaker_00
Can you marry, live with, and be with this person and be happy and love them as they are and not resent them and wish they would change for the rest of your life?
00:46:23 Speaker_01
That's what a deal breaker is.
00:46:27 Speaker_00
And that's not their responsibility. It's your responsibility to identify for yourself. And see, I think so many people are so scared to be single.
00:46:35 Speaker_00
You literally brush a deal breaker under the rug and you gaslight yourself into thinking someone's going to change and they're not going to. It's not your job to change them.
00:46:45 Speaker_00
And the more you try to change them, the more tension and frustration there's going to be in your relationship.
00:46:52 Speaker_00
and that means E. If you can't end your complaining and you can't accept who this person is exactly as they are, then they're not your person. They may be a great person, they may be a good person, but they're not great or good for you.
00:47:04 Speaker_00
For most people, It's not a deal breaker. It's something you have to learn to accept and still learn how to love somebody. You gotta let them. Because the more you let someone be themselves, the better your relationship gets.
00:47:20 Speaker_00
And you know this is true because Do you like it when somebody tells you that you need to find a new job? Do you like it when somebody tells you, you got to get control of this debt?
00:47:32 Speaker_00
Do you like it when somebody tells you that, you know, maybe you should go back to the gym or, you know, that kind of holds their mouth when you're like, I've gone up a couple of sizes of pants. Like are these pants too tight on me?
00:47:44 Speaker_00
And you're like, they kind of are, but I don't want to say anything. You know what it's like. to feel pressure and to feel judgment, or to feel that sort of passive-aggressive support. I'm just trying to support you. And what do you do? You push back.
00:47:58 Speaker_01
I'm here to tell you, you gotta let other people live their lives. And you have to focus on the influence part.
00:48:07 Speaker_00
And using the ABC loop method, it reveals what the other person cares about. It reveals what is a priority for this person.
00:48:18 Speaker_00
And that truth is now information that you consider when you come back to the question we're talking about today, which is, is this the right person for me? There's a really important stat that I want you to hear.
00:48:35 Speaker_00
And this statistic comes from decades of research done by doctors John and Julie Gottman. They're the world's most famous relationship researchers. They also happen to be married. Check this out. 69% of issues in any relationship are unresolvable.
00:48:55 Speaker_00
What does that mean? That means 69% of the things that couples fight about, you will never be able to come to an agreement on. Things like you're being sloppy. Things like you talk too loud.
00:49:10 Speaker_00
For me and my husband, we constantly argue around the fact that my ADHD makes me a very messy person. I'm constantly running late. I drive Chris crazy in this regard. The thing that drives me crazy about my husband, he's a thinker. He's a slow processor.
00:49:27 Speaker_00
He tends to ask a lot of questions. It's quite annoying. These are things that are never gonna change.
00:49:34 Speaker_00
If the things that are never going to change are part of that 80-20 rule, and the things that drive you crazy are part of the 20% nice to have, like it'd be nice to have somebody that's on time. It'd be nice to have somebody that is a fast processor.
00:49:48 Speaker_00
Is that really the stuff that matters? Of course not. Of course not. And so it really helps you kind of put into context, oh, well, this makes a lot of sense.
00:49:57 Speaker_00
And then that brings me back to the thing I'm going to keep saying, which is, do you have somebody that when you raise an issue with them, they lean toward you and they want to work on it with you?
00:50:07 Speaker_00
Because 69% of the stuff that you guys argue about, never going to go away. So can you actually talk about them and can you accept the person? as they are, because working through these things is what makes it last as a couple.
00:50:24 Speaker_00
If you're going to go the distance with somebody, you're going to go through so many different iterations and chapters with this person. There were times in my marriage where Chris made more money. There are times where I made more money.
00:50:37 Speaker_00
There's times where we both made the same kind of amount of money. There's time where he made no money. There's time where I was unemployed. It was like passing a baton back and forth.
00:50:47 Speaker_00
And what makes your relationship compatible and what makes it work is the willingness to work on it and work through it together. on the 69% of things that are either not important in the long run or will never actually be resolved.
00:51:07 Speaker_00
Your ability to determine what's a deal breaker, what's not. What is deep values and dreams and goals and what's nice to have. What is a phase and a chapter that we're going through that this person deserves my loyalty and support and compassion
00:51:27 Speaker_00
and I'm gonna do my part, and I'm gonna let them, I'm gonna let them figure this out, and I'm gonna focus on what I can do, which is create an environment that supports somebody's change.
00:51:42 Speaker_00
And the research is very clear, the environment that supports somebody's change is zero pressure to change, and positive influence based on your behavior and your acceptance.
00:51:56 Speaker_00
And this is critical to understand because it seems counterintuitive because you think, well, I got to, I got to force this person. No, no, no, no, no.
00:52:03 Speaker_00
You got to actually step back and accept them because when they feel loved and accepted, they don't feel shamed by you and they'll feel more empowered to step toward you.
00:52:14 Speaker_00
And that's the kind of balance and dynamic that is present in a relationship where you're really with the right person.
00:52:22 Speaker_00
And the interesting thing about these kind of breakdowns and kind of wondering is, and I said this, you know, throughout this conversation today, is that these are opportunities to make your relationship stronger.
00:52:34 Speaker_00
Working through things is what creates an incredible relationship. And I know you want that. Who wants to just date a string of people and break up and, or get divorced or go through pain and hurt? Nobody, you don't want that.
00:52:49 Speaker_00
I'm assuming you're with this person because you want to be with this person, and you want to make it work.
00:52:57 Speaker_00
And so if you want to make it work, then you gotta follow and work with the laws of human behavior and science, and the Lethem Theory is gonna let you do it, because that's the number one thing. No one's gonna change when you're pressuring them.
00:53:10 Speaker_00
And you're not with the right person for you if you're constantly in your head thinking everything's wrong. And this is never going to feel good for either one of you until you learn to love them as they are.
00:53:25 Speaker_00
And you learn how to have these conversations. So let's talk about the situation where you're with somebody and it's like a deep issue. This isn't going away. You want kids, they don't. They want kids, you don't.
00:53:37 Speaker_00
I mean, this is something that is going to cause a lot of tension in your relationship and frustration and resentment.
00:53:45 Speaker_00
And so you got to determine for real where your partner stands, whether or not there is truly compromise or whether or not this is a deal breaker.
00:53:55 Speaker_00
And so let's say you've been dating somebody for quite a while and you know that you want children, you know you want to get married, you know you want to build a life with this person, but they're kind of in that mode like, we'll see, kind of open to it, but they won't give you a definitive.
00:54:15 Speaker_00
And as the months and the years start to pile up and everything's okay, but you're starting to think, Where do we stand on this? What is gonna happen?
00:54:27 Speaker_00
I have a friend who wasted a decade of her life in her 30s with somebody who strung her along on this topic, only to eventually break up with her when she pushed the issue.
00:54:44 Speaker_00
And so you're gonna use the ABC loop because you have to honor yourself and you have to honor your dreams and your goals and your values for yourself. And by the way, if you adamantly do not wanna have children,
00:54:57 Speaker_00
and you are with somebody who does, and you think this is going to change, you're wrong.
00:55:02 Speaker_00
And so you need to be having this conversation to get very clear with your partner because staying with somebody, when you've got a core issue that is looming in the background that you hope will just maybe change, it doesn't work for most people.
00:55:17 Speaker_00
and you owe it to yourself to not be in a relationship hoping it delivers, but rather create and choose a relationship where you are with somebody that truly wants to work on these things with you and wants the same important things as you do.
00:55:36 Speaker_00
And so you start with, again, the ABC loop. The first is A, apologize and ask. and you're going to ask open-ended questions. And so what you're going to do is you're going to apologize.
00:55:45 Speaker_00
Hey, I wanted to talk to you about this because I realize that I have been pressuring you. And I'm sure it doesn't feel good. And I've gotten snarky and passive aggressive.
00:55:59 Speaker_00
And I know that when I keep texting you the shower announcements of my friend's baby showers, I would imagine that kind of feels like a slam. And so I wanted to apologize for pressuring you. But I have a couple of questions I wanted to ask.
00:56:16 Speaker_01
How does it feel for you when I bring this up?
00:56:22 Speaker_00
What are you thinking about the topic of whether or not you are open to having children or whether or not you don't? And asking the open-ended question, which is something you probably haven't done, a lot of us are like, right?
00:56:42 Speaker_01
And letting them, this is where the let them theory comes in. Let them say what they're gonna say.
00:56:51 Speaker_00
When you ask the open-ended questions, and here's a good one, have you ever thought about when you get to the end of your life, whether or not, like who is standing around you?
00:57:06 Speaker_01
Does not having kids there, do you ever consider what it would be like if you had kids and grandkids around you?
00:57:18 Speaker_00
And it doesn't matter based on the research what they say.
00:57:23 Speaker_00
because the open-ended questions are meant to reveal tension inside them between what they're saying to you, which is I'm open to it, and what they may actually believe deep down, which is I don't want this at all, but they won't say that to you because they think you're gonna drop it.
00:57:43 Speaker_00
Because here's the thing, if you've asked open-ended questions, if you've backed off, if you've given somebody the space to both know what you need and the space to change on their own terms and they don't change, they're not going to.
00:58:01 Speaker_01
And now you gotta decide, this person as they are,
00:58:06 Speaker_00
Whether they're out of shape, whether they drink too much, whether they come with a ton of financial debt like I did when Chris met me.
00:58:15 Speaker_01
Whether they never want children. Can you choose this person as they are? Can you choose this relationship exactly as it is?
00:58:28 Speaker_00
where they don't prioritize you, they're not that fun, they've gotten really boring, they're kind of negative. Can you choose this person exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't?
00:58:40 Speaker_00
We're not talking about the potential for all you fixers because if you can't, then you got two choices. You either need to end your complaining about it, or you gotta end the relationship.
00:58:55 Speaker_00
Because if you choose to stay with somebody who, after you've had this ABC conversation, they exhibit no change in behavior, and you choose to stay with somebody like this, even though you don't wanna be with somebody like this, that's on you.
00:59:10 Speaker_00
That's on you. And here's how you know. If you can't stop complaining about the person you're with, you're not with the right person. If you can't end the bitching, then you need to end the relationship.
00:59:21 Speaker_00
Because you're actually in a relationship with somebody that you are going to want to change for the rest of your life, and that is never gonna make you happy. And it's gonna make the other person miserable. And it will lead to a breakup.
00:59:32 Speaker_00
And here's the problem.
00:59:33 Speaker_00
Like my friend who wasted 10 years of her life chasing the potential of somebody, you're going to waste 10 years of yours chasing the potential of who this person could be instead of accepting the reality of who they actually are and choosing it powerfully or choosing to walk away because you know you deserve better.
00:59:51 Speaker_00
And this is one more thing I want to say about this. The reason why relationships are hard is because we're terrified of being single. And the thing about love that is incredible is you get to choose the love and the partnership that you deserve.
01:00:09 Speaker_00
And you also have to respect yourself enough and trust yourself enough and value who you are enough and the life that you're building to constantly remember it is a sacred invitation to choose to build a world and a life with someone.
01:00:34 Speaker_00
That your life gets magnified when someone's in it, but it's not diminished when somebody isn't.
01:00:42 Speaker_00
And one of the things that I worry about is that we're all so scared to be alone, we're scared to be the single friend, we're scared to be alone again, we're scared to go through heartbreak, we're scared to put ourselves out there, that we chase things that aren't meant for us.
01:01:00 Speaker_00
And we accept behavior and we accept situations with other people and relationships that are less than what we deserve. And it's really important to go into these conversations reminding yourself you deserve to be happy.
01:01:15 Speaker_00
And there are lots of people out there that you can make a beautiful relationship work with. And I think the number one thing that you need to be looking for is are you dealing with somebody who actually wants to grow with you?
01:01:28 Speaker_00
Are you with somebody who's kind to you? Are you with somebody who is loyal to their friends and family? Because that shows that they're going to be loyal to you. Are you with somebody that can listen to you?
01:01:41 Speaker_00
Because you are going to have so many ups and downs in a successful relationship that when you're building from a foundation of fundamentally being with somebody who is choosing you back, who makes you a priority, who is kind to you, who is caring of you, who listens to you and wants to know how to do better, that's the baseline.
01:02:03 Speaker_00
And, you know, I just want to say something. This isn't easy, especially if you're with somebody who's a good person and you realize they're just not the right person for you.
01:02:15 Speaker_00
And this is definitely not easy if you're married or living together or you have children together or you just are in it and you have a house. Unwinding a relationship is one of the most painful things in the world.
01:02:35 Speaker_00
And even when you have a situation where you both know it's just not working, even though you wish it would, the Let Them Theory is not going to remove that pain.
01:02:50 Speaker_00
There's nothing about the decision to end something that is gonna feel good, that's gonna feel right, you're gonna know deep down it is, And so the let them theory doesn't take that away.
01:03:05 Speaker_00
It just gives you the tools to dissipate the emotion that you feel and the heartache that you're gonna feel and the grief that you're going to feel if you make the determination that this isn't the right relationship for you anymore.
01:03:27 Speaker_00
And that's an important thing to say because it is a mentally healthy response to ending a relationship, to feel heartbroken, to feel conflicted, to feel guilt, to feel grief, to feel a mix of emotions from love and appreciation to tremendous sadness, to fear, to anger, to loss, like all of it.
01:03:54 Speaker_00
It's like a tsunami. And the let them theory does not take that away.
01:04:01 Speaker_01
The let them theory helps you find the courage and the truth that needs to be said.
01:04:13 Speaker_00
And if that's what you're realizing from listening to this, I hope that you honor that in yourself. Because you're not just here on this planet to be somebody's partner.
01:04:28 Speaker_00
If you've been listening to this and you're like, there is no doubt in my mind this is over, and you've had the conversation, and you have backed off, and you've observed the behavior, and you know deep in your heart that this person and this relationship is no longer right for you, the let them theory is not gonna make this easy.
01:04:53 Speaker_00
It doesn't erase the pain. It doesn't erase how difficult it is to unwind a relationship. It doesn't erase the emotional reactions of the other person or how it may impact other people in your life.
01:05:09 Speaker_00
And here's the way that the let them theory will help you though. In life, the right decisions often feel very wrong in the moment.
01:05:21 Speaker_00
And the reason why they feel wrong is because the right decision for you will cause someone else to feel very upsetting emotions.
01:05:33 Speaker_00
And just because someone else is disappointed or someone else is heartbroken, or you feel like a complete jerk, or you're terrified to see this person's parents, or you don't want to let the kids down, or you're worried about what everybody's going to think, or you're thinking now, oh my gosh, but we've been in this for six years or seven years.
01:05:51 Speaker_00
And am I sure? Am I right? Am I sure? Fast forward to the end of your life.
01:05:58 Speaker_01
If nothing changes, Do you really wanna spend the next seven decades feeling like you feel right now?
01:06:07 Speaker_00
Do you wanna spend the next seven years feeling like you feel right now? Do you wanna spend the next seven months feeling like you feel right now?
01:06:16 Speaker_00
Because what I know to be true and what you know to be true is this person is who they are, you have tried all the tools, and this isn't changing in a way that is going to be a relationship that works for you.
01:06:30 Speaker_00
And making that call is one of the hardest and bravest and most courageous things that you could ever do. Because it means you are choosing the love you deserve. It means you are choosing to believe in yourself.
01:06:43 Speaker_00
It means you are choosing to step away from someone that you once loved for the chance to create an even greater love in the future.
01:06:58 Speaker_01
And the other thing is, Just consider the other person.
01:07:03 Speaker_00
Would you want someone to stay with you out of pity? Would you want someone to stay with you and just resent you for the rest of your life because you are who you are?
01:07:13 Speaker_00
Would you want someone else to slowly, quietly quit the relationship and waste another 10 years of your life because they didn't have the courage to tell you the truth?
01:07:24 Speaker_01
Of course not. You don't deserve that. And other people don't deserve that from you.
01:07:32 Speaker_00
Sometimes one of the most loving things that you can do is to say, I don't love you anymore.
01:07:42 Speaker_01
Because it's the truth.
01:07:44 Speaker_00
And if you are in a relationship that is grounded in commitment and kindness and respect and mutual admiration,
01:07:56 Speaker_01
That's what the other person deserves, is the truth.
01:08:02 Speaker_00
And if you're listening to this, I also wanna remind you that if you haven't had the conversation, that's the truth they deserve.
01:08:12 Speaker_00
Use the tools, create the space for change to happen, determine whether or not this is an issue that actually deeply, deeply, deeply matters, or it's just in the 20% that doesn't,
01:08:26 Speaker_00
Learn to accept the person that's in front of you instead of the fantasy relationship that you're in in your head. And I promise you, everything that you have learned is gonna help you navigate this extremely normal,
01:08:41 Speaker_00
and very common theme that is gonna come up in every single relationship that you're in.
01:08:48 Speaker_00
Because human beings are designed to change, and as you change and grow, your partner's gonna change and grow, and sometimes that means it feels like you're no longer on the same page, but if you're with the right person, and you use these tools, and you start to embrace the laws of human nature, that people only change when they feel like it,
01:09:09 Speaker_00
that change needs to be their idea. And acceptance and loving somebody as they are and letting them live their lives is what creates the best relationships in the world.
01:09:22 Speaker_00
You do that and you follow the tools you've learned and you watch how your partner responds. If they lean in and they're willing to work on it, telling you something, you got a relationship that works.
01:09:38 Speaker_00
And if you're listening and you're starting to feel fear because you're getting more and more in touch with your truth, that deep down, you know, this really isn't working, but you're feeling yourself hesitate or go, but, but, but, but, but I want to speak to the fear that you're feeling.
01:09:58 Speaker_00
because we're all so afraid of being alone or of disappointing somebody else or of just having to have a hard conversation that we prioritize something that's not working over the truth.
01:10:15 Speaker_00
And in a moment like this, fear can take over and what you know can be so much more tempting than thinking about the unknown. And what I want you to do is place your faith in your truth.
01:10:32 Speaker_00
That's where I want you to put all of your faith and belief is in what you know to be true. And here's the reason why.
01:10:43 Speaker_00
If the relationship is real, if it's the right relationship for you and the other person, if it's going to support you in having a meaningful and fulfilling life, the truth makes a real relationship stronger.
01:11:01 Speaker_00
If the relationship isn't the right relationship for you or for where you're going, I want you to fight for the truth. Because the truth can't kill anything that's real.
01:11:14 Speaker_00
But if the relationship isn't the right one for you, the truth is gonna reveal that. And that's why I don't want you to fight for the relationship. I want you to fight for what you know to be true.
01:11:29 Speaker_00
and trust that the relationship reveals whether or not it's capable of aligning with you.
01:11:36 Speaker_00
And so you gotta double down on that deep knowing and seeking alignment and support from the person because what happens when you do that and you start to lean into the truth and you find the courage to share it and to wanna work on it, the other person's going to reveal what's true for them.
01:11:57 Speaker_00
And the hard thing is, oftentimes, what's gonna get revealed is that they're not gonna choose you. And they're not gonna choose the things that you want. And that's why I'm gonna keep reminding you, the truth is, you deserve to be happy.
01:12:11 Speaker_00
The truth is, your needs are important. The truth is, you deserve a partner that is gonna respect you and be kind, and they deserve somebody like that too. If something feels off, trust that. Be willing to talk about it.
01:12:25 Speaker_00
Because the truth is the right person leans in and goes, well, then let's work on it. They care about you.
01:12:30 Speaker_00
And if you're afraid to tell the truth about what you feel or what feels off, that's a gigantic red flag, that this is not a relationship where you can be yourself. This is not a relationship where you feel safe.
01:12:42 Speaker_00
It's a giant red flag for me that you're more concerned about being single or facing the unknown, which I get.
01:12:48 Speaker_01
Scary, really scary. But if the right love was just around the corner, how would you show up differently?
01:13:02 Speaker_00
Now notice I didn't say it was a different person. Maybe what is required in your relationship to truly take it to the next level is for one of you to be the one that shows up differently.
01:13:18 Speaker_00
for one of you to stand for something bigger than the dysfunction and the friction and the things that you're feeling.
01:13:25 Speaker_00
And if you're listening to me right now and you're the friend or you're the mom or dad or you're the sister or the brother and your loved one is constantly complaining to you about their relationship, send this to them.
01:13:40 Speaker_00
Because maybe they know the truth, they're just afraid and they don't have the tools to have the conversation and nobody's explained the science. Because I certainly didn't know that when I pressure someone to change, it keeps me stuck.
01:13:55 Speaker_00
I didn't know that the secret to relationships is letting people be who they are and learning how to accept and love them. I didn't know any of these tools that I'm sharing with you until I truly started researching them a couple years ago.
01:14:09 Speaker_00
And I love these tools because they're free and they're simple and they work and they prioritize what's in your control, which is what's true for you and the love that you decide to choose and create for yourself.
01:14:25 Speaker_00
If you're listening and you have this pit in your stomach because you know that this is no longer the right relationship for you, You owe yourself the possibility of having the most amazing, loving, incredible relationship.
01:14:51 Speaker_00
And I want you to know that pit is a normal, and it's actually an appropriate response to knowing that you're about to make a decision that is gonna upset someone else. That's not a sign that you shouldn't do it.
01:15:10 Speaker_00
It's a sign that you're making a really hard call and that you are aligning your life with what you know to be true. And you owe yourself that. And what I want you to know is that you will be okay.
01:15:26 Speaker_00
That pit in your stomach, actually, you know what it is? It's not an ending. It's a beginning. It's a beginning of you finding the clarity and the conviction to align your life with what feels right for you.
01:15:42 Speaker_00
And I'm gonna remind you, you deserve the love that truly makes you feel alive and supported and free. I can't wait to hear how you use this.
01:15:59 Speaker_00
I can't wait to see how many people that you send this to and how it empowers them to heal relationships and improve relationships, how it empowers them to make the tough call, because we all need to do that in life.
01:16:15 Speaker_00
And one more thing I wanna tell you, in case no one else tells you, I love you, and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
01:16:24 Speaker_00
And one of the things that will create a better life, there's zero doubt in my mind, is you getting honest about what it really means to have a relationship that is mutual, that is loving, and that is with somebody that is on the same page, committed to the same things, and most importantly,
01:16:44 Speaker_00
willing to listen and lean in and work on it with you. You got that, you got the formula for the happiest, amazing love story in the world. Alrighty, I'll see you in the next episode. Come on, out, out, out. Come on, buddy. Good boy, good boy. Big dog.
01:17:20 Speaker_00
Okay, we're good. Does that, did that, good? Okay. Is there anything that we've missed here, guys? I think this is good. There's that famous saying, if you're confused in your relationship, wait, what is it? Oh yeah. This is gonna be so good, everybody.
01:17:44 Speaker_00
Oh, and one more thing, and no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
01:18:00 Speaker_00
I'm just your friend, I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
01:18:18 Speaker_01
Stitcher.
01:18:23 Speaker_00
First of all, thank you for sticking around for this amazing bonus segment. But before I jump into it, I want to give a huge shout out to Celebrity Cruises for sponsoring this.
01:18:33 Speaker_00
Did you know that with Celebrity Cruises, you can visit nearly 300 fantastic destinations around the world, all from the comfort of ships that have so many things to do that the ships or destinations in their own right.
01:18:46 Speaker_00
I'm talking elevated guest rooms where comfort is everything, live entertainment you don't wanna miss, top-notch food and drinks, and that's just on the ship.
01:18:54 Speaker_00
I mean, what could be better than soaking up the culture of Europe or breathing in the cool, crisp air of the Alaskan wilderness or tanning as you sail the clear blue water under the Caribbean sun?
01:19:08 Speaker_00
Well, I'll tell you what's better, doing all of that with someone you love. I want you to think about this. Think about how amazing it is to travel somewhere new with someone special, somebody that you deeply care about.
01:19:22 Speaker_00
When's the last time you guys even took a trip? without your kids? I mean, maybe instead of trying to force a date night in, what if you put something in the calendar for three to six months from now?
01:19:33 Speaker_00
And I'm suggesting that you do that because of the research. Research has proven that just planning a trip or putting something into your calendar in the future can boost your happiness now.
01:19:47 Speaker_00
And that's even before you're on the cruise ship or you're on the mountaintop or you're lying on the beach. See, doing something fun, like planning a trip, it's the ticket to a richer and more meaningful relationship.
01:20:01 Speaker_00
And, you know, you may be sitting around like, okay, well, they need to plan it. Well, what about you? Instead of waiting for it to happen or waiting for the right time, do it now.
01:20:10 Speaker_00
Because when you decide to do something fun with someone you love, you know what you're doing? You're saying, you're important to me.
01:20:17 Speaker_00
Just planning something like that proves that spending time together doing new things matters, and it brings you together. And I know you know this. I know you know this. But I need to remind you of this because the stupid things
01:20:35 Speaker_00
are what take up our time and that means that we don't make time to experience the new things that could add depth to your connection and create new memories. And now you're sitting here with your friend Mel going, you're right Mel, you're right Mel.
01:20:51 Speaker_00
Because one of these days you're going to be looking back on your life and what are you going to remember? You're going to remember these things that you planned.
01:20:58 Speaker_00
You're going to realize that the true foundation of your relationship were all of these memories that you made together. And that is fully within your power to create.
01:21:09 Speaker_00
So don't you dare finish listening to this and not put something in your calendar three to six months from now for you guys to go away. And I also want to thank Celebrity Cruises for sponsoring this special segment.
01:21:21 Speaker_00
And I want you to imagine you and your partner, I mean, enjoying the cozy, intimate feel of a small ship that has everything you'd expect from something bigger.
01:21:30 Speaker_00
You and your partner taking in the beautiful ocean views, world-class entertainment, and all this amazing food with your favorite person. And you want to know the best part about going on a cruise? You don't have to do anything.
01:21:44 Speaker_00
You just plan the trip and pick the dates. They take care of everything. It's all done for you. You don't have to worry about the dinner reservations or the car rentals or the headaches of trying to get yourself from one place to the other.
01:21:58 Speaker_00
You can just have fun. And enjoy the person you love as you explore an amazing new place. That's what Celebrity Cruises is all about. A travel experience unlike any other. Learn more at celebritycruises.com. Visit celebrity.com for details.
01:22:15 Speaker_00
Ships registry, Malta and Ecuador.